Deciding to work when DH would love for you to stay home

[MichelleCarmen]

Haven, my husband is the exact same way before leaving the house. He checks the doors, then the oven, then checks to make sure the dogs are inside (like Byron is going to get up and walk out of the house, haha). I have a little song for him that goes "Check, check, double check, triple check, check". We've turned around many a time. We also turn around anytime he hears something in the car because he fears he ran over an animal. His real fears are around hurting anything, though. So that's why caring for Katie is intimidating. Honestly, having Katie has helped him. His desire to hold her and be able to care for her overrides his fears. We are both surprised at how much having her has made him better (instead of worse).

MC, trust me, I don't expect you to know what I do. You'd need a photographic memory to know every PSers job! I work for an ad agency. I won't be able to truly advance in my career if I just worked part-time. But if I'm really happy with part-time and hate going back full-time then I probably could do some contract work for my company. I'd lose my benefits, but DH would just take those on. It's not a great option, but it's still an option. Sometimes I wish I'd considered positions that woud allow me to work part-time indfinitely. Maybe a physical therapist or something like that.

Yeah, maybe you can seek out a new profession. Even though I'm thinking PT is ideal, one thing that is nice about being home with the kids is after-school time. I know my kids have benefitted from that. They have mom here for them, plus they can have friends here after school, which is nice. They're not in daycare with the same exact small group of kids every afternoon and then having to do their homework at 6:30 and never really getting unwind time after school. Maybe do something during the day PT that is very flexible for when kids have spring break...plus summer break.

If you do contract work, be sure to look at how it'll impact your taxes. I had looked into a contract job and it wasn't worth it because it changed our tax bracket and I had to pay a lot of taxes, so my income wasn't very much.

 

[Dreamer_D]

NEL in your heart do you feel like your child will suffer in daycare or with a nanny? That is the only reason I can think for you to stay home, that belief, since this does not seem to be financially motivated (i.e., daycare costs more than you earn). Or are you just a preschool teacher at heart?

I enjoyed being home with each of my kids for 6 months then grinned and powered through the remaining 4 months of my maternity leaves I am NOT a SAHM type of woman and cannot WAIT to get back to work. So dont quot your job until your kid(s) are older and the blush of new parenthood has past.

Re: hubby. Leave the house when he cares for her. No kidding. Your presence likely increases the anxiety. And he will rise to the occassion. You said it was stressful for *you* when he is anxious So leave. Go for a walk, sit in the car, go for a coffee. Trust me, he will be fine. And if he is too anxious about that, then he should go see a therapist to learn to get through this stage. I don't mean this all to sound mean but really, the only way he will get over such irrational fears IMO is facing them head on. I am not a therapist so this advice is more from the perspective of a mother. It is unique that you have a label to explain his anxiety, but trust me when I say the vast majority of men feel the same way, and then their wives cater to their fears and they never really gain the confidence as a father they deserve to have. It is a GIFT to a father to allow him space to learn and mess up and parent, many women never give their men free reign to develop those skills. And that is a real shame. If women stepped back and let their men struggle through it more -- no matter the reasonable reason/excuse for their anxiety -- then more kids would be closer to their fathers. Did you know most kids feel as close to their dads as they feel to random aquaintances? So do HIM a favour and just leave the house, for 15 then 30 then 60 minutes. He will be fine! If he really freaks out he can put her in her crib and sit in the corner until you get home Nother terrible can happen!

 

[pennquaker09]

I know I haven't been around in ages, but if you don't mind, I'll give you my take.

I visited my family for a wedding a few weeks ago and whenever I make that trip I run into people that always tell me they were so shocked to find out that I gave up all of my hope and dreams to become a SAHD. I have friends that are now graduating med school and completing residencies and I would be a liar if I said that I never thought, "What if?"

Those that know me from my HS and college days think of me as a very driven and focused person. I always wanted the highest grade and to be the best at whatever I did. But, just as much as I was driven to be successful (in whatever way one defines the word) I knew I wanted a family. I think I would say it was a dream that I tucked away. Fortunately, I met someone that made me realize I could possibly have that.

Now, it's 2012 and I (we) have 3 kids and the possibility of a 4th has been discussed. At the same time, I haven't totally given up on having some kind of career. I don't know if plan on doing this forever. I am still the same driven person at my core. Now, if you ask my SO, he loves our life like it is and he would be perfectly content for me to not work. You spoke of mom guilt. Well, whenever I get those itches of wanting to go back to work, I get dad guilt. I know all of us (at least I assume) made the conscious choice to have kids. But for us, it's like, we made the choice, then we went out and paid for a woman to carry these kids. And, somehow I feel like I would be doing them a disservice if I wasn't here for them. It's still early and it might not be serious, but Gray is a little behind his sister developmentally, and I like being able to spend that extra time with him. So, for right now, I am focused on giving them a solid foundation. But, just because I would be feel bad, doesn't mean that you will. I'm wired differently, lol.

On the financial side, I can't say anything other than, you know what is best for your family. For us, me working wouldn't change anything. If I taught we'd probably spend what I made on childcare, so it's negligible.

 

[rosetta]

No kids yet and not even TTC but I think I'd have to continue working part time. I'd lose a lot of money if i didn't, and I'd feel guilty about that. I don't think I would bother working after kids otherwise. I sat down that calculated that if I was only earning £30-35k a year, then it wouldn't be worth the nursery fees etc to go back to work. But at my current salary, I certainly "should" for the greater good. No way could my husband could stay at home, as he earns way more than me. We will make the most financially sound decision about our family, in the end. And I've already decided I am NOT going to feel guilty about it!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Dreamer, I don't think K will suffer with a nanny. I'm mostly worried about my bond with her. Would she have a stronger bond with me if I were around her all day, every day? And also, I'm worried about missing her "first"s. There are definite advantages of her going to daycare, though. Especially when she's a toddler and can really participate in all of the activities.

Penn, I think everybody has the "what if" thoughts. In fact, one of my friends is a doctor and admits that she sometimes resents that she is the breadwinner and has no option to stay home. You never know how you're going to feel when the time comes. I do think this decision would be easier if childcare ate up the majority of my check.

Rosetta, nearly every mom in my mom group says that part-time would be ideal. Myself included. I think it does provide a balance between spending time with the kiddo and also having some quality adult time. I will say that I always thought I'd be a SAHM, but soon after getting pregnant I realized that I really did want to continue working if possible. One of the moms in my mom group is very career-driven and never thought about staying home, but now would love to. It's interesting how your plans go out the window when the time comes!

 

[rosetta]

I agree, you never know what you'll do until you're in that situation!

 

[Jennifer W]

Just a thought - what about both parents working part time? We did that for a while, and we both enjoyed it. Because we each worked slightly more than half time, it was more than a single salary, but neither of us lost out on time at home.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Dreamer, I don't think K will suffer with a nanny. I'm mostly worried about my bond with her. Would she have a stronger bond with me if I were around her all day, every day? And also, I'm worried about missing her "first"s. There are definite advantages of her going to daycare, though. Especially when she's a toddler and can really participate in all of the activities.

Your baby will know you are mama They have big hearts and can make room for other people, but no one replaces mama. My kids are in daycare 8 hours per day, and mama is still number one.

And a good daycare provided won't tell you about the firsts that happen on their watch. They let you enjoy them on your own, and when you come in to beamingly share that she took her first steps, they won't tell you she took a few during the day with them. I'm ok with that slight charade. And you don't feel like you miss it! Its all new to you.

My 11 month old just started daycare two days ago. He loves it, and I am thrilled to be back at work, having time for myself. I spent the last two days writing and using my brain and it is invigorating. I have more energy and patience for my kids because I feel happy to be with them, not penned in and tied down like I did the last couple months I was home full time. For our family, me working is not just a financial decision, it is a well-being decision. We are all happier and healthier this way. I know not every parent feels that way, but I do and many of my career minded friends do too.

I think mothers often feel like the only reason they are allowed to work is for money. If they admit they work because it makes them feel fulfilled, or happy, or socially connected, or any other "selfish" reason, then they are not good mothers. That is just not true. You are the best mother possible when YOU are happy and healthy and fulfilled. Those things make your kids happy and secure too. So choose to work or not work for your own personal reasons, not because of what you think you should or should not do, or out of some guilt based fear that you will make a bad choice for your family, either financially or relationally.

 

[janinegirly]

NEL: I had the same concern as you about the bonding. It's a bit different with me since my mother watches my kids (so I was ok if I missed a first because then at least it was with Grandma..BUT surprisingly this didn't come up much).
Still I did worry about bonding and missing out on the constant contact those early months. In the end there has been no issue with bonding and knowing who mommy is. They absolutey know and my DD2 (the baby) will cry at first when passed to Grandma and even DH! She is contantly looking for me and then grinning. It's so cute (stretches her neck out from her exersaucer to get eye contact then grins as if to say "I found you, there you are!"). So my 4 days (10hr days) away, have not changed that connection.

What kind of childcare are you using..is it daycare or a nanny? Just curious..

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Thanks, again, ladies. Dreamer, our provider told us that she wouldn't tell us about any firsts (unless we wanted to know) and I think I'm fine with that. I think you are lucky that you got so long with your boys. I think I'd be happy going back at six months...but ask me when Katie is really fussy and I'd be happy to go back the next day

Janine, every working mom I know says the same thing. And so does the mom group instructor. She says the mom bond is formed very early...even in the first days and can't be broken by the kid simply going to daycare. My next mom class is for working moms, so it will be a nice resource for all of us to talk about these fears.

For childcare, we're using an in-home daycare. The woman watching Katie watches 3 kids. She watches two toddlers and one baby, though the two toddlers are part-time, so some days will just be Katie. I really like her and think I'll get comfy with her quickly. She lives on a large plot of land in the coastal town directly north of us, so the kids spend a lot of time outdoors (either in the woods or on the beach), which makes me happy. And I like that she always has one baby--several of the moms I called on her reference list said that when they had their second, the first was super gentle with the baby because they were already used to being around a baby. I was initially concerned about having a toddler in the same group, but I'm okay with it now.

 

[janinegirly]

NEL: That's great about the in-home daycare, I think that's a smart route especially since you're anticipating #2 sooner than later! I like that it provides a home environment and exposure to other kids (best of both). I do hear that you should expect them to be sick a bit the first year, but better that than at 3yrs like my DD1!

Regarding having 6 months home being ideal - I agree. I think Dreamer's experience might be a bit different in that they get 1 year maternity in Canada and we get 3 months. To be honest it's the 3-6 month stage that is hardest...not just becuase you are transitioning back but because the baby is still so young and it just feels like you should be home cuddling them. At 6 months they are bit less helpless and at 1 year - it's hugely easier on the mommy. After that point I started to feel it was actually beneficial to my kids (and me!). But 3 months it is..so we have to work with that and know that it is temporary and it is harder on us than the baby who is being taken care of very well and sleeping most of the time!. I feel awful for those moms whose firms go by FMLA alone and get 6 wks only.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

One of the moms in my mom group found out suddenly that she had to go back after 6 weeks (not sure why she didn't know that prior to having the baby?). Anyway, she was a MESS through class and we all felt awful for her. I can't imagine having to go back after 6 weeks. My mom and my sister both did it, but I really do think I would quit!

 

[Skippy123]

Regarding having 6 months home being ideal - I agree. I think Dreamer's experience might be a bit different in that they get 1 year maternity in Canada and we get 3 months. To be honest it's the 3-6 month stage that is hardest...not just becuase you are transitioning back but because the baby is still so young and it just feels like you should be home cuddling them. At 6 months they are bit less helpless and at 1 year - it's hugely easier on the mommy. After that point I started to feel it was actually beneficial to my kids (and me!). But 3 months it is..so we have to work with that and know that it is temporary and it is harder on us than the baby who is being taken care of very well and sleeping most of the time!. I feel awful for those moms whose firms go by FMLA alone and get 6 wks only.

I agree with this; I think they should give more time off to moms in the US. I don't know if they get paid in Canada but they should offer 6 months paid leave imo.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yes, I certainly would feel differently if I had to go back to work at 3 months.

In Canada you get 12 months paid leave -- the pay is a % of your income to a max of about $1600 per month. Some employers top it up: Mine topped up tpo 95% of my salary for 8 months. It is criminal that you don't get longer leave in the US

 

[distracts]

I don't have any children, but all of my friends who have said they loved staying at home for the first six months or year, but after that they just really itched to get away from the baby and do other things. It's the hormones - for the first several months or so, they make you want to intensely bond, and then when they go away, lots of people seem to experience, like, baby-avoidance. Idk. Even my friends who thought they wanted to be stay-at-home-moms mostly went back to work once all their kids were at least a year and a half, because they were just too flipped out staying home all the time. IMO everyone should get 6 months leave, as that seems like a happy medium.

I also would like to add that you should be careful when calculating the expense of childcare offset by your salary. Those are what, five years of each child's life before they are in school? But if you take those years off, your wages are depressed, and you will potentially never have the earning potential you would have if you did not take those years off even if you do get the same job again (and it's likely you'll start lower, if you can even get into the same field), which will affect things like college funds and retirement.