depressed

[PearlDahhhling]

So my bridal shower is tomorrow, and I should be completely happy and excited for it. And I am... But just not right now.

I''m currently talking to my *other* "MOH" via AIM (not the one from the last post who bailed on tomorrow) and she just yelled at me for not letting her boyfriend of oh... a month come to my wedding. She FREAKED out on me. I informed her that I simply can''t afford the extra $150 it will cost for him to come and that we''re not really letting anyone bring a guest. She FREAKED OUT! Now mind you, in the 4 years we''ve lived in separate states (CA and OR) she''s NEVER come to visit. I''ve been there four times. She claimed that she couldn''t afford to come for my shower tomorrow. So why should I afford to pay for her flavor of the month to come to my wedding?!?!!?

God I have shitty friends.

Also I''m feeling extra sad because I had to explain to her that one of the reasons I have no money for it is because my FI and I got ourselves locked into all these contracts with outstanding vendors when we were under the impression that my dad was going to help significantly with paying. Then in January he got the abcess/infection in his spine posted about here and is now paralyzed and in the hospital and will need to save all his money for house payment etc (he''s self employed), and all of the vast medical costs his insurance isn''t covering. Obviously my dad needs to keep his money for these expenses. But now we''re locked into these contracts with vendors we love so we have to find a way of paying for them and it''s not easy.

And I feel so awful for my dad. He can''t even use his fingers. He is such an amazing and active and outgoing man. He is a Chiropractor who uses his hands for a living, he''s an avid snowboarder, he loves going to concerts and things like that. And now all he can do is sit in a wheelchair or lay in bed and have other people do things for him. His moral is still good but I know it''s killing him inside. I''m sobbing as I''m typing this because he''s my daddy and I just can''t even imagine how terribly hard this is for him.

He has a huge support system which makes it easier. But it''s still so freaking hard. And completely unfair. He is such a kind, loving man who has always put good karma out there for himself. He doesn''t deserve this.

I know this is a ramble, but FI is sleeping and I''m sobbing and I just felt like I needed to get it out before tomorrow.

 

[mrscushion]

Oh, Pearl, I'm so sorry -- you're going through a lot. A big, big hug for you.

I've followed your posts about your dad and I hope and pray that he gets better quickly.

As for your friend -- yeah, she does sound like a somewhat selfish person. I think you're in the right and she should understand your situation. You asked her to be a MOH, she accepted, and now her job is to support you as a bride.... particularly right now as you have a lot on your plate. Did you tell her about all the bills you thought you had help on but now need to pay for yourself?

I hope you get some sleep soon!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Oh hunny..

..I don''t blame you for sobbing at all. I am so sorry for your Daddy..is there any update on the prospects for full recovery of limb usage, etc.? I am keeping him in my prayers..I am sure he is hurting so bad as well, but you are helping him by being there for him and keeping him in your thoughts. He needs your support now more than ever, and I am sure you know that (it sounds like you''re trying to help a lot). I am also sorry about your bills..we''ve had a remotely similar situation occur in that we signed contracts expecting to have a great deal more money than we do and as a result we''re struggling. We have the money to pay our vendors, but had to scale our honeymoon back to a mini-moon and we''re struggling to be able to pay for all of our moving expenses during the summer. So I kind of know how you feel there, but only kind of. As for the bridal shower...try to at least relax and take your mind of things for a while tomorrow. Your MOH is definitely being unreasonable and not helpful!

Ridiculous. As I like to say lately, there are four kinds of people in your life: those who care about you and show it; those who care but don''t show it well or are too wrapped up in their own lives and/or are too lazy to show it at all; those who pretend to care; finally the jerks who don''t care at all. Sounds like after the wedding is over..you need to distance yourself, she sounds kind of toxic I think. Please try to enjoy your shower tomorrow in spite of all the stresses, I will keep you and your Daddy in my prayers..

 

[blackbetty]

she sounds selfish, tactless, & inconsiderate, and to an unbelievable extent.

1.) she''s never even remotely put herself out by visiting you
2.) she can''t afford things like a plane ticket to her "best friend''s" shower but expects you to continue spending money to visit, convenience, or please her
3.) it can''t be news to her that you aren''t allowing people to bring guests, yet she still has the nerve to ask you about this new guy (it might have been different if this were someone she''d been dating a while, but you''d probably have invited him in that case)
4.) she''s not even considerate to the guy, because it''s not very comfortable to be at a wedding full of people you don''t know, with your date sitting at the head table or taking pictures or whatever
5.) being the MOH, she no doubt has knowledge of your financial/ vendor situation and doesn''t care
6.) most importantly, she completely lacks consideration, compassion, and empathy for you or your father & his current medical/ financial situation which, again, cannot be news to her

people say weddings bring out people''s true colors, and i''ve seen it happen in weddings i''ve been a part of before. just focus on you & your fiance getting married, because that''s really what all the hoopla is about! when all is said and done, you may want to cut these girls loose from your life if they can''t show you they have even the most basic understanding of what friendship is about.

meanwhile, try to have as little contact with them as you can, enjoy your shower tomorrow, and know that lot''s of prayers & good thoughts are headed your way for you & for your father.

 

[VRBeauty]

PD -- I am so sorry to hear about all you''re going through! I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but your MOH -- that''s just ridiculous in my book. She''s may be an adult, but she''s acting like a spoiled child.

I hope you''ll have a wonderful shower tomorrow in spite of your friend''s attitude. Just enjoy and appreciate the people who will be there to wish you and your sweetie well.

BTW I hadn''t read about your father''s illness, but now that I know... I''ll keep him in my thoughts!

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry that you''re feeling so down the night before your shower. Your friend is being very selfish and there is no way she should have screamed at you. She doesn''t sound like a great friend if she''s never come to visit. I''m really sorry to hear about your dad. That must be so hard for you as well as him.

 

[Porridge]

I''m so sorry Pearl, keep us updated on your Dad. He sounds like the kind of person who can pull through anything! I''m sure things will start to improve.

As for your friend, don''t dare waste one more second of thought on her. Ignore it completely. If she ends up kicking up a fuss, everyone will think she''s a b with an itch. Honestly, what goes through some people''s heads I''ll never know. But forget it and focus on you and FI.

 

[Sabine]

Just wanted to send major hugs! I''m so sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[vintagelover229]

First of all...hugs and dust for you and your family during this very difficlut time.

Second...your friend is a horrible horrible friend.

I dont know any "true" or "real" friend that would EVER say ANYTHING to their friend during this terriblely stressful time, esp. because I''m sure she knows that your father was planning on helping out...and now is unable to. That is freaking horrible. If I was your MOH I''d pick up overtime at work and try to help YOU PAY FOR THE WEDDING! I cant believe that she would even ASK when she knows about the situation....let alone get into a FIGHT OVER IT! What a bi***!

Can you uninvite her in your bridal party? Thats one less gift, and one less mouth to feed. Shes not your friend shes what I like to call a one sided friend....meaning...shes only your friend if YOU put in the effort...and she doesnt have to do anything, and honey, thats not a friend.

HUGS! You have more "real" friends on here and most of us havent even met you IRL...but I''m telling you, thats what I''d do...and most any "real" friend would do!

 

[Bia]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you're dealing with this S*** right now! Your friends are annoying me to the point of no return.

I agree that they are crappy friends. ggggrrrrrr.

Your family is more important than some stupid friend who can't understand that you are dealing with a crisis at home (your father!) and don't need this kind of aggravation too!!!! Sometimes I believe that you have to leave people who are dragging you down at the curb. In this case, I might tell my so-called friend that she can forget even coming to my wedding because you just can't stress about this too.

You need positive people, who truly love you, in your circle right now Pearl, seriously. I really hope things get better love, you don't need this bulls*** in your life. UGH, I'm so annoyed for you.

eta: Out of curiosity, what does your FI say about this?

 

[katamari]

Oh, Pearl, I am so, so sorry to hear this. I agree that you need to focus on your dad''s health and your wedding right now. I have learned through other posters'' experiences that a wedding, unfortunately, seems to be a time where you learn who your real friends are. Hopefully your friendships with your MOHs will be strong enough to make them see what jerks they are being, but in the meantime, just remember what all is important in your life. You FI loves you, your dad is getting treatment, and you are surrounded by other positive people who want the best for you. Please enjoy your shower today. You deserve a good time!

 

[allycat0303]

Pearl: You have EVERY right to be sad! I would be devestated if my MOH acted like that! I really don''t think she is being a good friend to you. The selfishness is incredible. Seriously, boyfriend of 1 month? Jeez if I was a guy, I''d be a little feaked out if a girl asked me to be her date for the wedding. I don''t know, seems to be too much too soon. Maybe you could try that track with her? Honestly, if she can''t come to the shower, then she shouldn''t. She''s kind of holding you hostage with that i.e "If you don''t let me bring him, I won''t come to the shower" it''s pretty silly.

You really don''t have to explain yourself of why you can''t afford it. Even if you didn''t want to, that in itself, would be enough reason. Never mind the circumstances. In any case, I would let her stay home and sulk about the shower.

Hugs!

 

[idreamofcushions]

I''m so sorry to hear about what you are going through ((((hugs))) I''ve been keeping up with your other posts and I really do hope everything works out for your dad.

As for you MOH, did you explain all this to her? If she is still mad at you even after you explained why you cannot add another guest to the list, she''s is definitely not worthy of your friendship. It would be horribly selfish for her to expect her BF to be invited after all that you are going through, financially and emotionally. As a friend, she should be offering her support, not scolding you. Don''t let her guilt you into doing what she wants you to. This isn''t about her. And if she lets this ruin your friendship, she wasn''t much of a friend in the first place.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Pearl..wanted to say I hope you''re feeling a bit better and enjoying yourself today. Sending thoughts your way..

 

[doodle]

Hope today was a fun day for you, and I''m sorry you have so much going on right now. Check back in and update us when you get the chance. We''re all crossing fingers for ya!

 

[bee*]

Hope you had a fab day yesterday!

 

[honey22]

Hope you are doing ok Pearl, and that your BMs stepped up for you on your shower day. Sending dust for your Dad too

 

[Tuckins1]

I am so sorry to hear about all of this!! I hope you are able to enjoy your shower today anyways... It''s supposed to be a joyous day for you!

 

[DearBuddha]

If your friend is aware of your financial situation regarding this wedding (and esp. the situation regarding your father''s health), then she is being unbelievably selfish and immature. Put her in her place; it''s the only way she''ll really understand what you''re going through and dealing with. If it costs you her friendship, be grateful it''s done with and you aren''t involving yourself with someone who could care less about your problems over her own wants.

You sound like a nice and sensitive person who''s been thrown a bit of a hardball with these contracts and your father''s sudden ill health. I hope things work out for you and you''re able to enjoy this special time in your life. Don''t let things weigh you down if you can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I''m sending lots of well-wishes your way and a big mental *hug*.

 

[galvana]

hey pearl, im sorry about your friend.
i hope your shower is going well and that you are having a great time!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh Pearl, I am so sorry to hear about this...truthfully, I am. I cannot imagine how you''re coping...considering the weight of these issues.

Here is the best advice I can offer you....

When I got married, I had 4 bridesmaids. I selected the BM''s based on really stable, long lasting friendships. These were girls I''d known for a number of years...and each relationship was precious to me. I actually have a pretty decent size circle of girlfriends...so when it came to boiling it down, I felt like I picked the 4 people who had had my back over the years.

In the beginning, everything was wonderful. We were a great together...we had a lot of fun. But, as my wedding neared, things started to change between me and my one BM. She herself got engaged, and "lost interest" in my wedding. I couldn''t reach her, when I did all of our conversation were about "her, her, her". This dynamic ebbed and flowed for a couple of months...and I never complained, because as long as she was "showing up" for the things I needed her too, why rock the boat?

I probably should have spoken up.

The day before my wedding, as we were moving everyone''s things to the hotel, she disappeared for hours--she ended up going to the mall. Her FI blew off our rehearsal dinner (pre-paid by my in-laws). And on the day of the wedding, she never smiled--I have the pictures proving it--complained that she had cramps, and she left the reception immediately following dinner.

Overall, it was uncomfortable...stressful...and hurtful. We had a huge blow out about two weeks later, where she basically trashed everything about me, my wedding, and my MOH...and, we''ve never spoken again.

I look back at my wedding, and in many ways it''s bittersweet. I had the best day of my life, but in the same day I lost a friend that had meant a lot to me for many years. I can still look back and think "I should have said this" "I should have done that"...my greatest regret is that when things started to get "complicated" I didn''t speak up. I feel like if we had aired out our issues well before the wedding, we might have been able to, at some point, forgive each other.

So...the moral of the story is...if these things are really bothering you, hurting you...talk to her. Cry and scream and get the anger out, and then call her--speak from your heart, and let her in. Honesty is your best policy...don''t let these things become "elephants in the room".

I''m guessing she is confused...maybe she feels like, if you could afford to offer her a flight out for your bridal shower then how is it that you cannot afford her BF to join her at the wedding. Which, IMO, is reasonable. Everyone likes to bring a date or friend to a wedding...it''s a built in dance partner, someone to chat with, socialize with, whatever. It''s more comfortable overall. If she''s not going to know anyone aside from you at the wedding, she''s probably thinking having a friend there would be nice. Flavor of month, or not.

I can certainly understand why you wouldn''t want to or cannot afford to pay...you have a lot on your plate. Maybe a compromise could smooth it over. Offer to go half, or tell her instead of a gift she could pay for her date. Giving her options will allow her to weigh how important he is. Putting the decision back on her, you''re not the bad guy anymore.

But, regardless what you decide...remember, this is your wedding. Please don''t make my mistake and allow outside issues to overshadow how incredible amazing this experience should and will be.

Big hugs, and lots of support

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Thanks for all of the kind words, support, and mental hugs. I really appreciate it. I feel like I have so much on my plate right now and when there are these added stresses, I just feel like giving up.

I had my shower yesterday and it was really fun. Some of the people I thought would show ended up not being able to make it, but we still had a good time. My BM who hosted the shower at her house was amazing. She decorated her whole house with THE CUUUTEST decorations, baked adorable cupcakes, found fun games for us to play and made the day super fun for me.

We also went out last night for my bachelorette party. Since neither "MOH" could make it, I was planning on postponing the b-party but I already had the limo reserved so FI''s sister, cousin, my BM and one of my co-workers went out and had a fantastic time (maybe a little too fantastic cause I''m definitely feeling it today...

).

I haven''t talked to the "MOH" in question since this particular argument but I''m considering demoting both of my "MOH"s to BMs because they''re really not fulfilling the MOH role while my BM IS! I think she deserves the title of Maid of Honor because for all she''s done for me she deserves to be honored. The other girls however, do not. I just don''t know quite how to do it yet. And I know it will probably make them mad. But I feel like it''s the right thing to do considering everything my BM has done for me.

Date: 5/2/2009 1:45:01 AM
Author: mscushion
Did you tell her about all the bills you thought you had help on but now need to pay for yourself?

Oh yes, she knows. I mean I guess she hadn''t thought about it before she freaked out on me, but once I brought it up to her I think it made her feel a little guilty. But only a little...

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/2/2009 9:35:42 AM
Author: Bia

eta: Out of curiosity, what does your FI say about this?

FI has never liked this particular friend of mine and doesn''t understand why I''m friends with her. And in all honesty, I don''t know why either. We''ve been friends since we were 11, and when we were growing up together we were very different people than we are now. We used to be joined at the hip but over the past few years we''ve really grown apart and she''s just not the friend that she used to be. She hasn''t grown much and she''s still very immature and self absorbed. She does still have some good qualities and we still have fun when we''re together, but that''s only been 4 times in the past 4 years... FI thinks I should just take her out of the wedding completely or at the very least demote her to BM.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/3/2009 10:39:07 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor


I''m guessing she is confused...maybe she feels like, if you could afford to offer her a flight out for your bridal shower then how is it that you cannot afford her BF to join her at the wedding. Which, IMO, is reasonable. Everyone likes to bring a date or friend to a wedding...it''s a built in dance partner, someone to chat with, socialize with, whatever. It''s more comfortable overall. If she''s not going to know anyone aside from you at the wedding, she''s probably thinking having a friend there would be nice. Flavor of month, or not.

I can certainly understand why you wouldn''t want to or cannot afford to pay...you have a lot on your plate. Maybe a compromise could smooth it over. Offer to go half, or tell her instead of a gift she could pay for her date. Giving her options will allow her to weigh how important he is. Putting the decision back on her, you''re not the bad guy anymore.

But, regardless what you decide...remember, this is your wedding. Please don''t make my mistake and allow outside issues to overshadow how incredible amazing this experience should and will be.

Big hugs, and lots of support

Italia, thanks for the perspective of someone who''s really been there. I really appreciate your advice! I really want to resolve this before the wedding because I definitely don''t want my wedding day to be filled with drama.

I think you may have her confused with the friend I was talking about in my other post. But either way, I never offered to pay for anyone''s plane ticket. I DEFINITELY can''t afford that. In the other post I was talking about a separate friend of mine and she had already purchased her ticket but was saying she couldn''t afford going out for this dinner theater thing that we were planning on going to, and THAT was what I was offering to pay for (only 40 bucks).

This particular "friend" was never planning on coming to my shower/bachelorette party.

I also did tell her that if she wanted her boyfriend to come to the wedding, that she was welcome to pay for him. She didn''t particularly like this idea... But honestly, when you add up food, drinks, favor, cake, etc, it''s about $100-150 per person.

I mean honestly, if we were all going out for a fancy dinner, would she just expect me to pay for her new boyfriend?!? I don''t understand. Why does she just expect that I''m going to pay for him at my wedding?

And she will know people at the wedding. We''ve known each other since we were 11. She knows my family, she knows the other MOH and some of my friends from high school. If she wasn''t going to know ANYONE, then it might be different, but like someone pointed out in another reply, anyone in the bridal party will be busy before the wedding getting ready and taking pictures, during the ceremony, pictures afterwards, and then sitting at the head table for the entire reception. I don''t really see how dates for the bridal party fit into the events of the wedding...

Just wanted to clear those few things up.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I am glad you at least had a good time, Pearl! Don''t give up, there''s a ton to live for and do..and lots of great things in your future. Just need to make it through the rough times, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I am sure that you are helping your daddy in ways you haven''t even thought of by being so supportive, he needs your support. You definitely have a ton on your plate, more than you should have on your plate, but I know you can do this. Stay strong, sending prayers and hugs!

 

[violet02]

I just wanted to ditto Italia here. I went through some major turmoil with my bridesmaids during my wedding and her situation and advice was really helpful to me at the time.

Try not to let it get you down too much. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people for some reason! Seriously. On a positive note BM #1 from hell and I have now mended fences and are actually much better friends than we were before. She was my ''fill-in'' BM but it worked out great in the end. It took about six months for things to really calm down but in the end things worked out for the best and I still had a wonderful wedding day.

I''m also sorry to read about your father. I hope you''re feeling better today.

 

[bowral1]

Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot and she is not making it any easier on you. I think that is why brides get so stressed out about weddings because even though its supposed to be about you and your fiancé everyone else makes it about themselves and what they want. . . . which is sad.

On a lighter note I just got onto PS and have read some of your earlier blogs on your ring quest which was really similar to mine. I too loved the Tiffany Legacy . . .we decided to go with Excel Diamonds replica of the Halo cushion (hasn’t been delivered yet so no pics). I just wanted to say my favorite picture was the one with the ring on your hand . . . . . it looks huge! And of course beautiful. Just one look at that ring (or your fiancé) should cheer you right up


Melissa (new kid on the PS)

 

[Sparkalicious]

Wow Pearl. You''re going through A LOT! No wonder you are feeling depressed. Give yourself a break. I''m certain that crying, right now, is a totally necessary coping mechanism. Goodness knows that I''ve been doing enough of it and it''s been helping me through as well. Big hugs!!

I''m glad that you had a good time at your party and managed to enjoy yourself. I have found that weddings tend to bring out the worst in some people. Hang in there and keep your head up. Hopefully karma will come around and bite these two rogue MOH''s in the butt.

 

[Kelli]

I''m so sorry you''re going through all of this. What a hard time for you. The last thing in the world you need to worry about is this "friend". I know it''s hard, but she doesn''t seem to be worth the stress. Focus on you, and being there for your father and forget her. Either she''ll come around, or she''s not worth it.

 

[lliang_chi]

Pearl, hope things are better for you. Hugs.