Did you ever feel like just giving up?

[fieryred33143]

We’ve been together for six years. The marriage bug bit me and it bit me hard. But ever since then I feel like the progress we have made to move forward in our relationship is strictly because I want it, not because he wants it. He says he wants to get married and claims that the reason why he hasn’t is due to money. But now he has money saved and still nothing. Instead he’s taking out money from the ATM to do whatever with…host a barbecue for his friends, buy stuff, etc. I have been feeling more and more like maybe he just doesn’t want to get married to me. I cry a lot over it because I love him very much and can’t understand why someone that I love so much wouldn’t want to marry me. I would think he would feel the same for me. He says that he does but that I’m thinking about it too much and ruining the “surprise” but now I feel like this “surprise” is nothing but a bunch of crap to shut me up.

I am beginning to think that my F

F should become my Ex and that I should move on.

 

[Lauren8211]

Aww... girl, I'm so sorry. That is really, really rough. This should be an exciting time for you -- not a heartbreaking one.

Actions speak louder than words -- Cliche, I know, but its usually pretty appropriate. If he's blowing money then telling you that money is an issue seems like BS to me.

How long have you been talking about getting married? How long has your wait been? Are there any other reasons why he might be waiting?

Its hard to speculate on someone else's relationship -- and I don't know if it's as bad as are saying right nowor if you're just having an emotional moment, but from what I've heard it sounds like he's giving you the run-around.

Maybe its time to have another talk about it?

Keep us updated, and we're all here for you if you need any support!

 

[fieryred33143]

Thank you for the support. I don''t remember when we really started talking about marriage but I know that we started seriously talking about it in January. Every time we talk about it, he says I''m stressing things too much and that''s the end of the conversation.

I go through these mood swings. I’m excited about what the future can bring and my heart skips beats out of thinking about the surprise proposal. Then I think I don’t care if he ever proposes, I love him and want to be with him forever with or without marriage. Then I think maybe I should propose to him. Then there are days like today where I just feel like I’m getting played…he’s just like every other guy and why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free (a phrase that I absolutely despise).

I don''t know what to do anymore. I''m tired of being in limbo.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m no expert on persuading anyone to propose, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get your life back.

Put your energy into you. Don''t be so available. If you''re living with him -- move out. If you''re spending every night with him, build back up your relationships with your girlfriends. Take classes. Start exercising more. Change your hair color! Do something to make yourself feel good about YOU! Get a life AWAY from him. Men can''t help but be attracted to confident women. Once he realizes you can survive without him -- it will put the pressure on. Don''t give that milk for free! ( I hate that saying too! )

And, if you slowly start to pull away, and nothing happens, well... you''ve gotten your answer.

Just make sure to take care of yourself.

 

[KCCutie]

Does he know that you feel this way? It's not fair to leave him in the dark. I feel the same way about my SO doing things b/c I want to, but I've come to realize that's just him and if I want it I have to keep reminding him and helping him stay on track b/c he forgets. Do I wish he would remember on his own? Of course...but we've talked about this and he knows he can't so he's okay with me bringing it up and reminding him.

You need to tell him that this is something you really want and when in general you'd like to move towards it and see if maybe you can get a time line to keep you sane. If he can't even give you a general idea then maybe you're right and he is feeding you a line. I know it's really hard to see him spending that money on other things, but maybe he really does have a plan. We all know guy time and girl time are TOTALLY different so make sure you know which clock you're working with too.

ETA: Now you're posting about Princess Cut stones in RT? What do you intend to do with that information? Are you buying something for yourself? Did he tell you to do some research on the stone I'm a little confused

 

[Erin]

Date: 6/2/2008 3:58:19 PM
Author: Lauren8211

And, if you slowly start to pull away, and nothing happens, well... you've gotten your answer.

These are bold steps, and it works. If you're not too scared to know what the answer really is, this is how you find out.

I've done this twice in the last two years. The first time it took six months but he was absolutely ready. Turns out, I found out I was better off without him.

Second time, it took the second guy two weeks. When I broke it off I thought I was moving on without looking back. He surprised me with a 'this is what I intend to do to get you back' proposition. It really caught me off guard but I knew that he's what I wanted. I just didn't know it either until I walked away.

I'm not saying you need to break up with your guy. Just... distance yourself with the intent of concentrating on you and your life and your hobbies, interests, girlfriends, family, YOUR availability - which should become significantly less open for time with him. But you have to do it with an attitude of REALLY doing it for yourself. Not as a cat and mouse game of finding out what his reaction will be. You're how old? What kind of things do you want to look back on your life and remember doing or accomplishing? With my first ex I flat out wasted one maybe two years of just sitting on my hands waiting for my life to move forward and it was all waiting on him. I regret that I didn't make more of the life I was already living instead of putting all my hopes on a life I hadn't begun yet.

 

[trillionaire]

This is some of the best advice that I have read in this forum! You are absolutely right. Fill your life with things you love because it is good for YOU, and because we often lose ourselves in relationships. Focus on you... that is all you can control.

Date: 6/2/2008 3:58:19 PM
Author: Lauren8211
I''m no expert on persuading anyone to propose, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get your life back.

Put your energy into you. Don''t be so available. If you''re living with him -- move out. If you''re spending every night with him, build back up your relationships with your girlfriends. Take classes. Start exercising more. Change your hair color! Do something to make yourself feel good about YOU! Get a life AWAY from him. Men can''t help but be attracted to confident women. Once he realizes you can survive without him -- it will put the pressure on. Don''t give that milk for free! ( I hate that saying too! )

And, if you slowly start to pull away, and nothing happens, well... you''ve gotten your answer.

Just make sure to take care of yourself.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I know that you've been together for 6 years, which is nothing to sneeze at, but if you've only been talking seriously about marriage since January it really isn't that long. As Lauren said, if you feel that you're taking on more of a "wife" role than you should, then focus on reclaiming some of your independence--I think that being more involved in things that make you happier as an individual is a very healthy thing whether you are dating or are married. I feel that independent people are naturally attracted to other independent people, so I don't doubt he already knows you are independent, but sometimes getting back to your roots and doing the things you've always loved re-energizes you and allows him to remember what he loved about you to begin with.

I don't think it would be fair for you to leave without having at least one more pleasant, calm, non-emotional conversation about it. I would plan a nice dinner and bring it up in a way that is loving..."Hon, I love you very much and I am really looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Does an engagement this summer seem feasible to you?" If his response is "No way, that is way too soon", then you might have all the indication you need. If he responds favorably, however, and talks openly aobut it, then I don't see any reason why you can't give it a couple more months.

I feel lke the key to these conversations is to let him express what's holding him back without getting upset or emotional...if he points back to money, then tell him that getting engaged is more important to you and you'd rather have the engagement than a ring. If he tries to back out of it, then you'll know it's something else. The point is that you have to see what some of these barriers to the engagement are and see if he's willing to work around them. His willingness to work with you so that you can both be happy will weed out whether his reasons are valid or just excuses.

 

[sklingem]

I agree with most of the posts so far. Spending time doing things for yourself is the way to go independent of whether you are in a relationship or not IMHO. It is not about distancing yourself from anybody but to establish a balanced lifestyle. This is also the case in a very deep and committed relationship. Good luck!

 

[chocolatefudge]

fieryred I could have written your post!! I''ve been with SO for 7 years and we aren''t engaged yet. He blames money, me spoiling the surprise, me stressing too much etc etc etc! He seems to get irritated when I bring up getting married and has begun telling me that it will happen but it''s just something he isn''t bothered about (lovely for me to hear!)
I love him so much and I know he loves me, so why doesn''t he want to marry me??

I have replied just to offer sympathy really as I can absoloutely relate to what you''re saying. I am giving my SO until the end of the year and if no proposal comes then we will be having serious words!!

 

[Bia]

Sweetie, I am really sorry to hear this. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I am going to have to agree with Lauren and Starset Princess on this one. Six years is a long time. More than enough to know if the person you''re with is someone you want to be with forever. I give different advice to girls who have been with their SO for a year, or even two, but after six, why would someone need more time?

If he is saying, or was saying, that money was the issue and yet he spends chunks of it on his friends or himself, that would be a BIG first clue. If, when you ask him about an engagement, he gets defensive or upset (or generally negative) then that is another BIG clue. After that many years together, he should be saying he is making serious moves within the next few months, to (at the latest) a year. It really sounds like he isn''t ready and might not be...for awhile. I would recommend that you give yourself a timeline...something you are comfortable with. Talk to him, let him know what you''re thinking. Tell him you want to "Get on with it already," because you DO want to get married, and have a family, or whatever it is that you need. Tell him. If he doesn''t make moves to marry you, then start moving on yourself because you have to do what is best for your life and your happiness.

Also, lets say you give yourself a timeline of 6 months and nothing changes, you can at least know that you did everything you could...and walk away feeling proud of that.

 

[gwendolyn]

You say you''ve been together for six years. If you don''t mind my asking, how old are the two of you now? That might play a part in what''s going on--in his ideas of "soon" and saving and maybe even just how much a ring costs (jeezy creezy, my boyfriend and I had VERY different ideas of what an engagement ring was and what it might cost at the start of our discussions!).

Is it possible he doesn''t know what exactly you''re thinking when you talk about plans for the future? I think sometimes (and I''m speaking generally here, not about anyone in particular, except for myself now and then I think!) people might think they''re communicating something clearly, but in reality, they''re only conveying a small portion of what they''re thinking (for instance, talking about wanting to get married in the next few years--to us, that might mean an engagement by X date because we will need X months to plan so he should start shopping by X date! ...but that isn''t what we said). I''m not saying that this is necessarily the case with you, but this might simply be a case of miscommunication if you thought you said something clearly to him but maybe didn''t break it down all the way to the nitty gritty, so maybe he didn''t totally get it?

Next time it comes up, I think you should try to have a very unromantic discussion about finances, about where he sees the two of you in the next year, 2 years, 5 years--whatever. When does he think it would be a good time to get married? Does he know how long it will take to plan a wedding? Have you talked about an engagement ring budget? Have you talked about whether you both want children or not? Where you want to live? If you''ll merge finances? I think, if you can have a face-to-face conversation about this stuff and walk away feeling like he isn''t just "playing you," then things will be ok. If he won''t have this conversation, I think I''d choose a mental time line for yourself and stick to it. If he can''t communicate about this stuff, then no matter what he says about wanting to get married, I don''t think he is ready, willing, or a combination of the two.

 

[ahappygirl]

I am not a LIW - I''ve been married 10 yrs, but I just wanted to send you a big hug. This is hard. No question. All the above posters have given great advice and important things to consider. The only thing I would add is, YOU don''t want someone who doesn''t want you. Six years is a long time. It''s not unusual, and depending on your age may be really good. Admittedly, I have NO perspective in that area because I got engaged 2 1/2 mos after meeting DH. But we were 25(him) and 28(me). And actions are powerful - they say a lot more than words, even if the words are "I want to marry you." All I can say is thank GOD I waited for the right man, because life has thrown some incredibly challenging things our way. Many a lesser man wouldn''t have gotten through it. I would rather be alone ANYDAY than married to the wrong guy. I met Mr. Wonderful when I wasn''t looking, was focused on myself, my goals, education, career, health, was happy and confident going along on my own, etc. No lie this state of being is powerfully attractive to others who have their act together. Anyway, your man may very well be the right one and just needs a reality check on your feelings, etc. This "surprise" he is alluding to better materialize post haste!! You have a whole cheering section on PS in your corner!!