Did you/would you live together before marriage?

[XChick03]

We live together and have even before we started discussing engagement seriously.

 

[XChick03]

Date: 3/2/2006 1:48:39 PM
Author: EBree
I''m absolutely for living together before marriage. I understand that many couples choose to wait, but I think it''s important to see a person''s every little quirk (things they have to show you if you''re living together) before taking the big step. Paying bills together, asking him to clean the little hairs out of the sink after shaving, arguing over who cleans the shower....I think these things are essential and healthy to experience before the final vows.


I don''t think I''d marry a man before I lived with him. To me, it''d be like marrying a stranger of sorts...no matter how long we''ve dated. It sounds weird, I know...but am I the only person that''d feel this way?


ETA: My fiance (then boyfriend) moved in with me after 7 months of dating.

Everything you''ve just said are my thoughts exactly. I''ve learned a lot more about Peter since we''ve moved in together and its sort of a preview of marriage will be like. I think its really hard to know if you can marry someone without first living with them. There''s just so many things you learn that you wouldn''t through dating alone.

Btw, we moved in together after 8 months of dating.

 

[miyabi_na]

Date: 3/2/2006 3:02:58 PM
Author: EBree

Date: 3/2/2006 2:49:06 PM
Author: albicocca

Date: 3/2/2006 2:20:14 PM
Author: EBree
I think for the most part, you know them...but there are certain situations you just aren''t in until you actually live together, situations you''ll be in for the rest of your life after marriage. Paying bills, fighting over cleaning, etc. Plus, there are TONS of little things...little things you don''t even think about until you actually experience them. I learned WORLDS more about my fiance after living with him, and I''m glad I did. I still feel it''s important, though I know it''s not for everyone...everyone should do what they think is best for them.

I agree with EBree (again!), but I also think it''s more than just ''quirks''...it''s really just how they handle EVERY situation. The main thing that is different when you live with someone or don''t, I think, is that when you don''t live together and you really want to withdraw/not talk to your SO/be in a bad mood, you can just not see each other. When you''re in the same apartment, you HAVE to handle all those situations together. Also, when you''re tired and get home from work and don''t feel like doing anything...you just sit there in that blah stage and heat up leftovers TOGETHER. I don''t think it''s really about quirks or about how well you know them so much as it''s about spending time with each other in every single possible situation, especially those where you would never CHOOSE to meet up right then. Granted, spending a weekend or a vacation together you see a lot of this, but the every-day-ness of it is what really made it clear to me that my fiance and I are partners for life, not just people who like each other and get along well.

That''s so true, Albi, about having to handle all the situations together (bad moods, blah stages). I wish I''d included it with my mention of the quirks...it should have been included!

I think the ''bad experiences'' these girls have had moving in with their ex-SOs have actually been good ones...am I misunderstanding? By living with this person, you got to know that he really wasn''t right for you, and you didn''t make the mistake of marrying him. This is precisely what I''m talking about...sometimes, together, 24/7, you find that although you love someone, he/she just isn''t right. Married life wouldn''t work.

If I''m misunderstanding, please clue me in!

I think what they''re saying is that it''s a bad idea because the relationship either turned sour or just got too "comfortable" and came to a halting stop after the move-in (ie. no proposal)

Your point is a REALLY good one though. I didn''t think about it that way! In a sense, tHey''re lucky they didn''t get stuck.....

 

[Blenheim]

Mara,

A younger person''s perspective: I view living together as pretty serious. (Not sure how typical I am though.) I was conflicted at first, because I wanted to wait until we were engaged but at the same time we know that we want to get married and living together just seems like the next serious step in our relationship. On top of that, he''s following me to somewhere at least 10 hours away so that I can attend the graduate program that I want to attend. (That would not be reason enough on its own, though.) I think that his May proposal deadline is partially because of my slight hesitance over living together before he formally proposes.

We''re both really looking forward to getting to spend more time together, but know that living together is going to be hard work. We''re committed to working through it. I really want to get premarital counseling, just to work out the healthiest communication patterns possible and to make sure that we have realistic expectations about engagement and marriage.

It''s really interesting to get everybody''s opinion. I''ve mostly only talked to people in or just out of college (who don''t have much experience with this kind of thing yet), or people my parents'' age (who mostly didn''t live together before marriage). It''s helpful to see what people with experience with this have to say.

Blenheim

 

[dani13]

No, Ebree, I understand and agree with what you said...I just think it is ALOT more than whether he puts the toilet seat down or picks his clothes up off the floor type of thing...it is whether or not you can truly be happy with this person in life, with all of its ups and downs, day in and day out...

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/2/2006 3:02:58 PM
Author: EBree

Date: 3/2/2006 2:49:06 PM
Author: albicocca

Date: 3/2/2006 2:20:14 PM
Author: EBree
I think for the most part, you know them...but there are certain situations you just aren''t in until you actually live together, situations you''ll be in for the rest of your life after marriage. Paying bills, fighting over cleaning, etc. Plus, there are TONS of little things...little things you don''t even think about until you actually experience them. I learned WORLDS more about my fiance after living with him, and I''m glad I did. I still feel it''s important, though I know it''s not for everyone...everyone should do what they think is best for them.

I agree with EBree (again!), but I also think it''s more than just ''quirks''...it''s really just how they handle EVERY situation. The main thing that is different when you live with someone or don''t, I think, is that when you don''t live together and you really want to withdraw/not talk to your SO/be in a bad mood, you can just not see each other. When you''re in the same apartment, you HAVE to handle all those situations together. Also, when you''re tired and get home from work and don''t feel like doing anything...you just sit there in that blah stage and heat up leftovers TOGETHER. I don''t think it''s really about quirks or about how well you know them so much as it''s about spending time with each other in every single possible situation, especially those where you would never CHOOSE to meet up right then. Granted, spending a weekend or a vacation together you see a lot of this, but the every-day-ness of it is what really made it clear to me that my fiance and I are partners for life, not just people who like each other and get along well.

That''s so true, Albi, about having to handle all the situations together (bad moods, blah stages). I wish I''d included it with my mention of the quirks...it should have been included!

I think the ''bad experiences'' these girls have had moving in with their ex-SOs have actually been good ones...am I misunderstanding? By living with this person, you got to know that he really wasn''t right for you, and you didn''t make the mistake of marrying him. This is precisely what I''m talking about...sometimes, together, 24/7, you find that although you love someone, he/she just isn''t right. Married life wouldn''t work.

If I''m misunderstanding, please clue me in!

I guess you can put it that it was a ''good experience'' as far as I''m not with him anymore. The first boyfriend I lived with, I moved in within 3 months. I agree with Mara, I was young and didn''t really think about what I was doing, I was really just excited that he wanted to live with me, I was an ''adult''...an adult that knew nothing about life. The 2nd live in boyfriend, really pressured me into, really I swore that I wouldn''t live with someone again after the 1st boyfriend, I moved in with the 2nd one for all the wrong reasons, deep down I knew full well that we wouldn''t be together for ever.

Just like living with someone before marrying can help you get to know whether you can truly spend the rest of your live with someone. I think it can also ruin a perfectly good relationship, one that could have worked if you waited until marrying before moving in.

 

[dani13]

"Just like living with someone before marrying can help you get to know whether you can truly spend the rest of your live with someone. I think it can also ruin a perfectly good relationship, one that could have worked if you waited until marrying before moving in. "

Just out of curiousity, Caribou, why do you think that a relationship would work after marriage if it couldnt work before marriage??

 

[Mara]

Date: 3/2/2006 3:07:55 PM
Author: Dani
No, Ebree, I understand and agree with what you said...I just think it is ALOT more than whether he puts the toilet seat down or picks his clothes up off the floor type of thing...it is whether or not you can truly be happy with this person in life, with all of its ups and downs, day in and day out...

I used to think that you don't really know someone until you lived with them when I was younger, but now I don't really feel the same way having had a different experience with my now-husband.

I agree with what Caribou said here:

"Just like living with someone before marrying can help you get to know whether you can truly spend the rest of your live with someone. I think it can also ruin a perfectly good relationship, one that could have worked if you waited until marrying before moving in. "

I think that many people whether consciously or unconsciously mentally view living together as not quite as serious unless you are engaged/about to be/getting married. There is always an easy out if you are living together and not planning actively for the future. It's a little harder to think seriously about divorce rather than just plain moving out.

Personally, being the age I was and having had life experiences before with living together etc...I realized that I didn't NEED to live with Greg to know that I loved him and we could make it work. To me the whole 'well you find out everything when you live with them' is true in a way, but it wasn't going to make or break our relationship. We were already past that. But when I was younger I think I viewed living together as having to know everything beforehand, when I think life taught me that you can't know everything and there are no guarantees so at some point you just have to take a leap of faith and know you will give 10000% to make it work regardless of living together quirks and that you trust your decision. Just my own experience.

 

[bar01]

In my first marriage, my ex and I lived together for many years before we were married.

In my marriage now we did not live together before getting married because 1) There was child involved 2) Our church would not have married us if we did

Both ways (living and not living together) have plus and minuses.

I would say that the first six months of my new marriage involved some real adjustments in living styles - but then again marriage involves change and accommodation of differences.

 

[E B]

Date: 3/2/2006 3:23:29 PM
Author: Dani
''Just like living with someone before marrying can help you get to know whether you can truly spend the rest of your live with someone. I think it can also ruin a perfectly good relationship, one that could have worked if you waited until marrying before moving in. ''

Just out of curiousity, Caribou, why do you think that a relationship would work after marriage if it couldnt work before marriage??

That''s what I was thinking.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/2/2006 3:23:29 PM
Author: Dani
'Just like living with someone before marrying can help you get to know whether you can truly spend the rest of your live with someone. I think it can also ruin a perfectly good relationship, one that could have worked if you waited until marrying before moving in. '

Just out of curiousity, Caribou, why do you think that a relationship would work after marriage if it couldnt work before marriage??

It's hard for me to explain...I think some people get caught up in relationship too fast 'OMG! I love him so much' after only 3 weeks. Next thing you know it's been 3 months and the couple is living together (way too soon, IMO, to live with someone)...all of the sudden you find out things about the person that you really weren't ready to find out about (she farts in her sleep, he picks his nose, he doesn't shower everyday, if he doesn't have too, etc) and the relationship ends. If you had just waited until your relationship was more 'stable' (and I'm not necessarily talking marriage) to move in, waited until you got to really know the person (and I don't believe you can truly get to know someone after 3 months to be able to successfully live with them, although there are exceptions) these little things would not have been a big deal to you after a while. For instant, my experience, my boyfriend farts ALL THE TIME

(I know, this I'm sure is not unusal for most FI/Boyfriends/Husbands) it cracks me up

..now. He farted when we first dated, I mean I know that I'm not stupid, but had he done it then, in the beginning of our relationship, the way he does it now

it wouldn't have been the most appealing thing to me. I'm a big whiner...always have been can't help myself I blame my parents

...if we had moved in before he found that out about me (which granted didn't take him all that long to find out), I guarantee that it would have been a big problem with us.

For me, my relationship with my FI was sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllow in the beginning. We didn't have our first kiss until after we'd been dating for 3 weeks, we waited to..well you know...until we knew we were in love (which was about 4 months later). Granted, I didn't truly know him at that point, the slowness (albeit hard) helped me trust him (trust lacked because of my past experiences), helped us form a friendship, and helped us be ourselves; I've never been myself with any one of my boyfriends before him. I really believe that if we had went faster, moved in together too soon, we wouldn't be where we are today.

Did I make any sense here?

 

[E B]

Date: 3/2/2006 3:53:07 PM
Author: Caribou


Did I make any sense here?

Absolutely! And I completely agree with you. I think that what you said really speaks more to why you shouldn't move in too quickly more than why you shouldn't move in until marriage, though. I agree 100% with fighting the first pangs of "OMG I LOVE HIM" syndrome (1 month?) and waiting until both are comfortable and serious in a relationship (looks like a possible engagement?) before moving in.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I voted for engaged and with wedding planning in the works, but I also would have voted for being engaged. Just depends, I guess. I don''t think it''s a sin to live together, but do I personally think it''s a necessary step before marriage? Not at all. I didn''t plan on living with my husband, but lo and behold, 6 months before our wedding, we moved in together. My husband''s landlord literally sold the condo he was renting from under his feet, with basically no warning this was coming. We talked about him renting another place, but he couldn''t afford anything on his own that would be large enough for the two of us after we got marriage. And it didn''t make sense for him to move, and then move again in 6 months after we got hitched. So, after much discussion, we found a place together.

I didn''t find out anything that I didn''t already know. Living together was really easy- we didn''t have any transition period, but we also spent a lot of time together, like Kaleigh said.

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, we are living together and searching for our stone, but when we moved in together over a year ago, it was with all intent to marry, but the finances had to be right. We had been together a yaer before that, and a few months 5 years before THAT. So I felt I knew him. And after spending so much time at his place before we moved in together (after me living with my parents the whole time), it was inevitable. We wanted more privacy, and wanted to make a commitment to each other. There was no doubt in our minds that marriage and children were in our future, so he moved out, and I moved out, and we moved in! But, after seeing me put his roommate''s newborn son to sleep every night (his roommate was a woman who had a baby by her boyfriend who didn''t live there!

), and feed the baby, and carry him around and play with him, he realized I was the most patient person ever. He wasn''t sure I''d tolerate his female roommate, and then to find out she was pregnant!! It was odd, but I love that baby more than anything!! We still talk, two years later.

 

[elepri]

We moved in together after having dated for a year. Living together was a serious step for both us and neither my husband nor I had lived with anyone prior to that. We had not discussed engagement prior to that because it wasn''t really something either one of us would''ve considered without living together first. The first few months of living together was a pretty big adjustment. No big surprises but just having to deal with each other on a daily basis was certainly different from dating. I''m really happy that we dealt with that before getting married or even engaged and don''t think I could''ve done it any other way.

 

[midgirl]

I live with my bf of several years. I believe it is a personal choice others believe that it is downright wrong.

I have to say it is the best decision that I have ever made. We are both happier with each other and our lives living together. It is much less expensive and it is easier to cook for two etc etc.

I wouldn''t tell everyone it is good. I know times when my friends did "ruin a perfectly good relationship" but for me and a few others that I know it is wonderful and I would never rethink the deicision.

 

[snuga]

I voted "yes, if you are engaged" only because if my boyfriend and I live together before marriage, we will be engaged by then.. If we don''t move in together due to financial issues/leases/parents, then so be it. I don''t have any problem with people living together without an engagement ring, but I voted on what would happen for me and my boyfriend if we lived together before marriage.. whoa, I need to go to bed.

 

[appletini]

I didn''t vote b/c I''m in between. FI doesn''t officially live with me, but as of this week he is now my part time roommate. We''re getting married in 2.5 months and his lease was up last weekend. He has moved in with his parents, but they live about 45 minutes away from me and his office. So he stays the early part of the week with them and the later part of the week/weekend with me.