Did your parents ever help you with homework?

[Puppmom]

No help from parents. Not giving any to kids. If the kids bright, they will figure it out. If not, then oh well. As long as they're happy I'm happy.

That's harsh! Oh well? DD is 16 and got off to a really rough start in school. She struggled to learn to read but through my help and some early intervention, she's now a great student. If we hadn't intervened early on, she would probably be having a very difficult time now. Not everyone learns in the same way and "bright" kids don't just "figure it out" - that's what education is for!

 

[rosetta]

No help from parents. Not giving any to kids. If the kids bright, they will figure it out. If not, then oh well. As long as they're happy I'm happy.

I don't think you have to necessarily be bright in order to figure answers out...if they have no help figuring it out...how are they supposed to 'evolve'? Not only in that area specifically but in all areas?

What if your child had a learning disability? I would think a lot of times a LD can be revealed through a child doing homework, reading, etc. could be wrong...

Well, just because I'm not doing their homework, doesn't mean im not watching. I would fully expect the school to pick up a LD quickly (I've resolved myself to private primary schooling) Their teachers no doubt will set homework based on what they have taught, so it should be pitched at the right level and not need help from parents at all.

I will most definitely let them flounder a bit and try to work it out themselves. That approach has helped me enormously on thinking laterally, and I reap the benefits in my work daily.

If they are really failing everything, private tutoring will be considered, and I will be guided strongly by their teachers. They are the trained educators after all.

 

[MonkeyPie]

They didn't help me a ton - I remember one horrid summer with my mom drilling me on the times tables with flash cards. I seriously hated life that summer. Math has always been hard for me, and she was trying to help, but all she did was make me resent her. And guess what? I STILL don't know my times tables. What a waste of time.

Otherwise, I didn't much ask for help, and they didn't offer it. They never wanted to see it when it was done, either. I either did it myself (or asked for help) or I fell, and they didn't catch me. I think it did good things for me, because now I never expect anyone to help me with anything. (Even stupid things, like lifting our huge laundry basket. DH will see me fighting it and ask why I didn't just come get him. "I can do it myself!" Nice.)

And assuming your kid will be "bright" and just spontaneously "get it" is incredibly harsh. I was a good student and I was really smart, but I struggled with math, always have. So what, I should have just failed constantly because I wasn't "bright" enough to "get it" by myself?

 

[rosetta]

Um no it isn't.

Kids should be able to do their homework without your help.

You can check it, but they need to go back and correct it themselves if it's wrong.

I have no problem with extra tutoring if it's needed. It just won't come from me but private tutors.

If they constantly don't understand something in class, I'll take it up with their teacher and work out a strategy together.

I want them to try as much as possible on their own, so they can learn and not be spoon fed.

Edit: and it's ok to fail sometimes. If you suck at math, you can get extra help but you may always suck at math. It's ok to suck at math!

 

[Autumnovember]

No help from parents. Not giving any to kids. If the kids bright, they will figure it out. If not, then oh well. As long as they're happy I'm happy.

I don't think you have to necessarily be bright in order to figure answers out...if they have no help figuring it out...how are they supposed to 'evolve'? Not only in that area specifically but in all areas?

What if your child had a learning disability? I would think a lot of times a LD can be revealed through a child doing homework, reading, etc. could be wrong...

Well, just because I'm not doing their homework, doesn't mean im not watching. I would fully expect the school to pick up a LD quickly (I've resolved myself to private primary schooling) Their teachers no doubt will set homework based on what they have taught, so it should be pitched at the right level and not need help from parents at all.

I will most definitely let them flounder a bit and try to work it out themselves. That approach has helped me enormously on thinking laterally, and I reap the benefits in my work daily.

If they are really failing everything, private tutoring will be considered, and I will be guided strongly by their teachers. They are the trained educators after all.

Ok, can agree to disagree. Just based on personal experience, teachers don't always pitch homework based on what was taught in class....makes no sense to me, but hey...it is what it is sometimes.

 

[Autumnovember]

And assuming your kid will be "bright" and just spontaneously "get it" is incredibly harsh. I was a good student and I was really smart, but I struggled with math, always have. So what, I should have just failed constantly because I wasn't "bright" enough to "get it" by myself?

+1...

 

[rosetta]

Oh and don't get me started on parents doing their kids' projects for them!

Pathetic.

 

[rosetta]

Oh and I sucked at math too. I had a tutor for about 3 months. I still suck at math, despite medical physics being part of my job.

There is more than one way to raise kids I'm sure, we don't have to agree all the time. This approach helped me and my siblings greatly and we hold eight degrees inc PhDs between the three of us so it worked out for us. I think my parents got our education really, really right.

 

[lliang_chi]

I think my mom helped in grade school, middle school tops. I pretty much remember doing stuff on my own, and cover math topics that she never studied, and her writing skill are actually pretty bad. But I remember her proof reading book reports, doing the times-tables, etc when I was young.

When we got older she did hire tutors for us, which worked best because the teachers weren't teaching anything.

 

[Puppmom]

Rosetta, I understand where you're coming from a bit more after you're follow up post but I do think heavy parental involvement is necessary in some cases. Teachers aren't perfect and, just like with everything else in life, your child will rely on you to impart some of your knowledge/experience. I also would not count on a private school teacher pinpointing an LD early on. In my area, private school teachers are required to have LESS credentials than our public school teachers. Also, I have a friend who works in a VERY highly regarded private primary school and it isn't considered politically correct to approach parents about a potential LD in their child. She has struggled with this on many occassions - the Director is afraid in some instances to *offend* the parents by even insinuating they're child needs additional help or evaluation.

 

[Autumnovember]

Oh and don't get me started on parents doing their kids' projects for them!

Pathetic.

nvm

 

[rosetta]

Well I wouldn't be offended if the teacher thought my child had a LD. At all.

Honestly, if I suspected anything then he or she would need formal evaluation anyway. I can't diagnose LD.

Like I said, I plan on observing closely, but not jumping in on the first sign of faltering.

Trust me, my parents approach to education was incredibly hands off and we learnt to take responsiblity for our own education very early on. It actually never occured to me until much later just how much my peers were being helped by their parents as that culture didn't exist in our home. I never ever thought my parents were being harsh at any point.

Hey, it may not be the right approach, have to see how it goes. Tailor it to the child. But the philosophy remains: you have to try, try and try again. When you finally get it, it will be a eureka moment!

Edit: if you think its harsh, don't do it. I plan to give it a shot as it's worked spectacularly well for us. May be because we are all very independently minded and like to work things out ourselves.

 

[TravelingGal]

I still suck at math too. I know exactly when it happened. 5th grade, fractions. I couldn't get it. They tried to explain it to me and I could NOT get my head wrapped around it. I just realized right then, I just don't have the mind for this!

I had math tutors. I tried, but I was a math-asian-defect. From 5th grade on, my only objective in math became to find a way to pass and move on to the next required level. When I got to college, I declared myself an English major because at the time (it is no longer) it was the ONLY major where NO math was required.

So my lack of math ability led me to be an English major, which is really a B.A. in B.S....and the ability to digest info, and spin it in ways people want to hear, has pretty well helped me in life...or at least my sales job.

 

[chemgirl]

I'm with Rosetta on this one. Unless the child has a LD, they should have the resources to at least try and figure out the work on their own.

There are textbooks, older kids can look up any concepts they have issues with. If they try and sincerely can't figure it out without help, then parents should try to explain it or look in to tutoring. If a professional tutor isn't an option, university students are usually willing to help for a reasonable fee. I used to tutor calculus and chemistry when I was studying.

I strongly feel that managing a child's homework is doing the child a disservice. How are they expected to succeed when they are on their own? Not like mom and dad are going to pack up and follow them to college.

I'm not talking about leaving young children to teach themselves the alphabet. My mother is an English teacher and taught me how to read and write in English before school. She also taught me basic math before we learned it in school because she felt that these were foundations of learning and were too important to leave up to my teachers. She then proceeded to put me in to French school, so that was a struggle! Neither of my parents speak French so they couldn't help! Looking back I think it was a great challenge.

I am a big believer in giving kids the tools they need to figure things out on their own. If they don't learn how to figure things out for themselves they're going to be in a tough spot when you're not there anymore to figure it out for them.

 

[wakingdreams53]

My parents were never really able to help me with my hmwk past the 1st grade. No harm, no foul-- my grandfather taught me multiplication before my class got to it, and that gave me a head start. In the 8th grade I went to my father for help with math. However, they were only able to help with math because its a universal language. My family being immigrants makes helping me with history or english quite difficult.
Now I'm watching my father attempt to help my sister with her kindergarten homework-- which for the most part, is learning to read and write. He ends up doing her work because he can't properly explain what she needs to do. In doing so, she's doing miserably and the school is complaining that we're not doing enough at home. If I lived with them, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

I disagree with never helping kids at all. Every child is different and learns in a different manner. I loved grade school and graduated Salutatorian. But on the other hand,I hate college and it shows. It's not always about whether or not the kid is smart enough. There needs to be interest and drive-- which can help be the foundation instilled by the parents.

 

[rosetta]

I think what I'm trying to say rather inarticulately is that I want my kids to have initiative, learn that they are responsible for their own education, know where to seek knowledge independently, accept their own limitations, learn from their mistakes, take pride in their achievements and stand on their own two feet.

A tall order indeed!

I want to start early on, so they dont fall on their face later.

That doesn't mean abandoning them from day one, but creating an atmosphere where they can work through trial and error, without feeling they are stupid and mummy has to step in and do everything for them.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I think what I'm trying to say rather inarticulately is that I want my kids to have initiative, learn that they are responsible for their own education, know where to seek knowledge independently, accept their own limitations, learn from their mistakes, take pride in their achievements and stand on their own two feet.

A tall order indeed!

I want to start early on, so they dont fall on their face later.

That doesn't mean abandoning them from day one, but creating an atmosphere where they can work through trial and error, without feeling they are stupid and mummy has to step in and do everything for them.

This is totally clear and makes perfect sense to me, and in fact is what I intend on doing. I think it was your comment about, "if not, then oh well" that people took as harsh - like you didn't care if they failed. This is much better

 

[rosetta]

oh good.

that's what happens when you're pecking out an answer on an iphone!

 

[iugurl]

I guess I don't get not helping at all. ever. kids with certain things. I remember in math each day, my teacher moved on to the next chapter. So each day practically, there was a new concept. So for 50/60 minutes the teacher would explain the new math concept. At home, most of the time I "got it." A few times, I struggled to understand the concept. The math book would have a few paragraphs explaining it, which was, for me, NOT enough. If I had no idea what I was doing, sitting down to a math equation is quite tough. It is hard to "just figure it out." My sister would assist me if I had problems. She would NOT do the problems for me, but rather explain and go over the concept again and again, until I "got it." Then, once I understood, I could do the problems myself. She would look over the first or second to make sure I actually understood it, and if they were correct, I was left to do the remaining 20 or whatever, myself. I can't understand what is wrong with that. If I didn't get it, we might get frustrated with each other and fight lol... I totally get why doing the homework is wrong, but explaining HOW to do it?

As I said, each day we moved on to the next chapter. So if I didn't get it the first day, I didn't really have time to go over it again with the teacher the next day. After about a week (5 chapters) we would have a test. The questions were not always evenly dispersed over each chapter. There might be 5 questions over chapter 2 but 20 over Chapter 3. I would rather understand how to complete Chapter 3 problems and pass my test, rather than fail because I couldn't get any help on that concept

You have a right to your opinion and to help/not help your kids ever, but I am just trying to understand WHY explaining HOW to do something is wrong.

I think that adults have to ask for help or guidance sometimes also. If you were given a project at work, but didn't understand how your boss wanted it, would you just do it your way, even though you thought that was probably the "wrong" way or would you take 5 minutes to ask your boss for more explanation? I guess I would always ask my boss. I wouldn't show up with something completely wrong, just because I didn't want to ask for guidance or help.

 

[zoebartlett]

OK, so here's a question...if your kid were to finish their math homework (or whatever) - would you check it to make sure it's correct, and if it wasn't, would you make her correct it, and if it STILL wasn't correct, at some point would you give the right answer?

If I had kids, I might check their homework over but I'd either:

1) go over wrong answers and write a note to the teacher letting him/her know what problems my child had
2) check it but send it to school even if some of the answers were wrong

It drives me nuts when parents, etc. help so much that it looks as if a kid is doing great when I know he/she isn't.

 

[Autumnovember]

I think what I'm trying to say rather inarticulately is that I want my kids to have initiative, learn that they are responsible for their own education, know where to seek knowledge independently, accept their own limitations, learn from their mistakes, take pride in their achievements and stand on their own two feet.

A tall order indeed!

I want to start early on, so they dont fall on their face later.

That doesn't mean abandoning them from day one, but creating an atmosphere where they can work through trial and error, without feeling they are stupid and mummy has to step in and do everything for them.

I completely agree with this, Rosetta. I think initially the way that it was stated sounded harsh but actually explaining it makes sense.

 

[rosetta]

Sorry, I couldnt make myself clear when typing on an iPhone. My bad.

 

[chemgirl]

I guess I don't get not helping at all. ever. kids with certain things. I remember in math each day, my teacher moved on to the next chapter. So each day practically, there was a new concept. So for 50/60 minutes the teacher would explain the new math concept. At home, most of the time I "got it." A few times, I struggled to understand the concept. The math book would have a few paragraphs explaining it, which was, for me, NOT enough. If I had no idea what I was doing, sitting down to a math equation is quite tough. It is hard to "just figure it out." My sister would assist me if I had problems. She would NOT do the problems for me, but rather explain and go over the concept again and again, until I "got it." Then, once I understood, I could do the problems myself. She would look over the first or second to make sure I actually understood it, and if they were correct, I was left to do the remaining 20 or whatever, myself. I can't understand what is wrong with that. If I didn't get it, we might get frustrated with each other and fight lol... I totally get why doing the homework is wrong, but explaining HOW to do it?

As I said, each day we moved on to the next chapter. So if I didn't get it the first day, I didn't really have time to go over it again with the teacher the next day. After about a week (5 chapters) we would have a test. The questions were not always evenly dispersed over each chapter. There might be 5 questions over chapter 2 but 20 over Chapter 3. I would rather understand how to complete Chapter 3 problems and pass my test, rather than fail because I couldn't get any help on that concept

You have a right to your opinion and to help/not help your kids ever, but I am just trying to understand WHY explaining HOW to do something is wrong.

I think that adults have to ask for help or guidance sometimes also. If you were given a project at work, but didn't understand how your boss wanted it, would you just do it your way, even though you thought that was probably the "wrong" way or would you take 5 minutes to ask your boss for more explanation? I guess I would always ask my boss. I wouldn't show up with something completely wrong, just because I didn't want to ask for guidance or help.

I'm in the "you shouldn't help kids with homework" camp, but I think answering a direct question is different. I was expected to try and figure it out by myself before my parents would help me. If I didn't understand something, I was expected to review my class notes and look at it in the textbook. I was expected to look over the examples to try and understand what was going on before asking help. Then, when I asked for help, I was expected to have a direct question, not a general "Hey, so how do I do this problem?". At work, if I don't understand something I first review any relevant documents, emails etc. If I still don't understand it, I'll look to see if there's a similar report from last quarter. If I can't find anything, I'll go talk to my boss and ask him to clarify specific points that I have an issue with. He's busy, he doesn't like hand holding.

ETA: I think this approach teaches problem solving skills. I also feel that knowing how to find information is a very important skill. I remember too many classmates who failed once they were expected to take initiative and find things out for themselves. Its not like asking a question is a bad thing, but trying to understand it first is important. Even at the post-secondary level, students can email the professor for clarification, go to tutorials, or attend office hours. In my experience, professors and teaching assistants won't really respond well to a student who doesn't understand anything and doesn't know what questions to ask. They want direct questions that they can answer in a reasonable amount of time. I think its important for kids to develop the analytical skills to work independently and know when to ask for help.

 

[monarch64]

My mother very much wanted to help more than needed and she would have loved to do projects for me. I resisted, for the most part. She was VERY involved in my education in every way and honestly I did not benefit from it. I got bored easily, did what I had to do to get through high school (to her chagrin) and was not as confident in my own creativity and ability to learn until I got to college where I fortunately blossomed and everything turned out just fine.

As far as math, I used to think I wasn't good at it. I heard my mother say time and again that my teachers were awful and it was their fault I was getting by with B's and C's and that since I wasn't excelling (making A's) I wasn't "good" at math. That's baloney. I grasped the concepts, I understood how to get the answers, I was just lazy and undisciplined and mostly uninterested in subjects that didn't allow for much creativity. In my adult life, I've never had any issues with solving mathematical equations. I can figure percentages, divisions, additions, subtractions, muliplications in my head with little effort and anything work-related having to do with math has been a non-issue as well. I would go so far as to say that I'm actually very good at math.

 

[basil]

Yes.

My parents would attempt to help if I had questions about things, up until the point (i.e. calculus) where they couldn't help anymore. They never actually did my homework though.

My dad writes for a living and would help me proofread and improve my papers. Actually, he still does He never wrote them for me though - he would just say "this part is unclear, you should reword it", etc. I admit this probably gave me an advantage over kids whose parents were not able to help them like this, but it also made me a better writer. But life's not always fair, so oh well

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think there is nothing wrong with a parent explaining a learning concept further to a child...some subjects are difficult to grasp. For instance, since we all seem to agree that Math is a beast, working multiplication tables or teaching the DMSB of division. But, I stand by the fact that a parent doing a child's homework is absurd. I think a parent is well within their right to assign home-homework in the form of workbooks or extra problems for subjects in which are the kid is struggling. That, to me, seems like a better alternative to hitting a lesson home. Learning isn't entirely done at school.

 

[Shoopy]

There's a difference between doing and helping. If my kid is struggling with a subject, I want him/her to know that I'm there to help out. That doesn't mean I'm going to do it for them or let them pretend to not get it while I give away the answers. My dad helped me a ton in school. He was very hands on. But if he saw that I was guessing just to get the whole thing over with, he would walk away and tell me to come back when I'm serious about understanding the subject.

I also don't understand the mentality of not helping out. How many times have people complained of absent parents who let their kids fend for themselves when it comes to school work and they're failing because of it? I don't think all of the burden on ensuring your child understands a subject should fall on the teacher. I need to do my part to help my child be successful.

As for subjects, I rock at math and despite my horrible internet grammar, I'm pretty kick ass at writing reports. Science and I are not bffs. History depended on the professor. And I sucked at all things art.

 

[Black Jade]

My dad couldn't, he had a learning disorder (but in those days they weren't diagnosed well) and he could not read until he retired and taught himself somehow, I don't know how. I mean really could not read, literally. He was, however, a highly intelligent man and good at figuring things out without reading (until he learned). He had all kinds of tricks that he used and we didn't know this (but my mother knew).
My mother is a teacher and she wouldn't help us with our homework, she would GIVE us extra homework. I always had homework, even in summer and thought this was normal. We had extremely substandard schools in our area (the inner city) and she knew this but could not afford to send us to private school. she would get my cousins books every summer (my cousin went to Catholic school) and would erase all the answers and make me do them. Plus suggest a lot of books to read (mostly classics) and pay us for reading them and things like that.

However when I had kids one was learning disabled, like my dad and I had to do a lot of things to get him through. If I had not been checking his homework after he did it, I would not have found this out. they tested him at one point and he came through with an IQ at genius level, but it took him forever to learn to read and he still cannot write and he has test taking issues. He reads very well now and comprehends everything (he likes to read philosophy, like Plato and classics) but he is dyslexic to an extreme degree and when he was in college needed a notetaker in class and help from the writing center or a tutor because he has these brilliant innovative ideas and can't get them down on paper without help. He is very embarrassed about this and when he went to college the first time, refused to go for help. When he went to college the second time he signed up with learning services and did great. However, he has not graduated yet at age 23, he has other issues that need attending to. He has a lot of different illnesses and its challenging. At this point, I think he needs to figure it out on his own without 'Mom' input, so we're doing that and seeing what will happen.

I think you have to take each child individually, some do need help, but it also needs care becasue the goal is to get them independent and to the point where they do for themselves and don't depend on you.

One reason I am glad I have my son is that I am a professor and this makes me sensitive to the learning disability kids in my classes.
I understand that they are not trying to get a free ride and also know that many of them are very intelligent. I don't have problems with giving them the extra time for tests, or a notetaker to help the ones who can't--many of them have a lot to contribute, although it is more trouble to work with them. the ones who do get through try very hard.

I hope my son will make it one day on his own, but at this point, I don't know if he will or not. It gets to a point where your continuing to help them is harming them and I know it has got to that point at this moment with us.

 

[LGK]

Well, I haven't read this whole thread yet. First of all, no. After, say, 4th grade, my parents left me on my own to do my homework. Definitely in HS! (FWIW, I was in a difficult situation in my teenage years and didn't, in fact, ever *do* any homework- I always did great on tests, didn't do the homework, and that averaged to a C which was fine with me.)

My FIL remarried to a woman who had a 9 year old at the time (he's in his 20s now). Throughout his entire grade school and high school career, she did exactly what you describe- basically did his homework for him, and essentially controlled his life to an amazing extent. As a young adult out of the house now, he's absolutely helpless- he seems to be about as mature as he was at 12. Which is to say, not really. And he hasn't so far done much with college. So there you go. I think her doing everythign for him was a huge mistake. It doesn't work well long term to make responsible adults at all.

That being said, who knows what you could do to get your mom to knock it off. Probably she won't. Too bad- she's definitely doing him a huge disservice.

 

[Maria D]

As a high school math teacher, all this talk about MATH being the subject where help is most needed is of course very interesting. I'm fascinated by the fact that those of you who had so much trouble with math had parents that could help you. Why is this? You share their DNA yet they could do and explain math that you couldn't do. Were the old methods of teaching math better? Or is the ability to do math a developmental skill? The latter is something I've long suspected. I started my math teaching career at the satellite campus of a college. The students were mostly adult women going back to school to get their B.A. degrees. They thought I was the BEST algebra teacher! If only we had you in high school, they said, you make it sooooo easy. I thought I was a natural, ha! After a few years of that I got a job teaching the same subject to high schoolers. Suffice it to say that the teens did not find me so great at all, in fact I was accused of confusing them on purpose. I've had to change my style quite a bit! Same subject, same lessons -- I just think that for many people the mind doesn't want (can't?) to tackle the abstractions of algebra until later in life.

I agree with Zoe that I would rather have the parent send me a note saying what my student had trouble with than helping to the point that I can't even tell the kid had difficulty. I think helping if the child asks for it *after* they have tried on their own, and if it means just showing how to do it, is fine. But I know from experience at school that some kids aren't really looking to understand as much as they are conditioned to be lazy by adults that do too much for them. It's a learned helplessness and they will give up without applying themselves. Things like asking how to spell a word (while writing a paper in study hall) and when I hand them a dictionary they're like, can't you just tell me? "Please proofread my paper" turns into "just tell me what all the grammatical errors are and how to fix them." Or, getting back to math, kids that won't even TRY to set up equations to word problems because they hate word problems -- they're just too hard. Sometimes you gotta step back and let them fail (it's just a homework assignment) so that they take responsibility for their own learning.