Different Religions and Family Pressures?

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 2/25/2009 11:07:42 AM
Author: AllieGator
Thanks everyone, for sharing your experiences! We''ve already decided on some type of civil ceremony for the wedding...both sides are going to be disappointed, but we figured it was a good compromise, since we don''t care about religion in the ceremony. A traditional episcopal wedding is wayyyy to much Jesus for him, and the traditional Jewish wedding would make my parents very unhappy, since there would be no Christianity in it. We don''t feel like doing a combined wedding, so it works for us.

sba771-I agree with you on the name thing. My BF is fine with them having the traditional family name as a middle name, since that''s what his parents did with him and his brothers. I like the tradition, but the one his family follows (I don''t know if this is the standard, or if they just do it) is that they name the first son after the closest relative that has passed away. BFs parents are Russian (They immigrated from the USSR), so most of the names are pretty stereotypically Russian. At this point, the closest male relative that has passed away is his Grandfather--Boris. Nothing wrong with the tradition, but I''m not a fan of that name. But I''ll go along with it, because it''s tradition and I want our kids to have that.

Allie, are you sure they use the full name? My family is jewish, emigrated from the USSR, and everyone I know names their kids (either sex) after the closest deceased relatives. However, they only use the first letter of the name. For example, my grandma, whom I was named for was Klara, and I''m Katherine (russian version of that). I have the same Jewish name as her though.

 

[elle_chris]

Brooklyngirl- I think allie''s correct or maybe it''s different from different areas in Russia? I was almost named Tatyana for my dad''s sister who died. My mom didn''t approve though so it didn''t happen.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Elle, I should have thought before posting, lol. You''re right, the culture is vastly different depending on what area of the USSR is in question.

I was nameless for the first three weeks of my life because my mom didn''t like the name Klara. Apparently after three weeks something had to give.

 

[katica]

HI Allie,

I am also in an interfaith relationship - I''m Christian (non practicing) and my DF is Muslim (non practicing). At first I was nervous about my parents'' reactions both because of the religion issues (they''re not practicing but still insist on being ''loyal'' to the faith) and because DF is from a country that occupied mine like 400 years ago (yes, Europeans have LOOOOONG memories). Also, my father especially had concerns about women''s rights and how I would be treated by someone from a culture with a different understanding of gender relations (no debates please, just stating my dad''s opinions). Once my dad got to know DF he really liked him and had no problems (well he still grumbles about not being able to cook pork for our weekly lunches hehhe ) but when my DF went to ask for my hand, my dad made it VERY clear that I was not to convert and that the grandkids would be making their own decisions when it comes to faith. He even went so far to ask whether the boys would be circumsized and said if they are, it should not be because of religious reasons. So while they had reservations, they just want to see me happy and only judge him based on his personal attributes. I hope things work out for you!!

 

[AllieGator]

Date: 2/25/2009 6:53:45 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

Date: 2/25/2009 11:07:42 AM

Author: AllieGator

Thanks everyone, for sharing your experiences! We''ve already decided on some type of civil ceremony for the wedding...both sides are going to be disappointed, but we figured it was a good compromise, since we don''t care about religion in the ceremony. A traditional episcopal wedding is wayyyy to much Jesus for him, and the traditional Jewish wedding would make my parents very unhappy, since there would be no Christianity in it. We don''t feel like doing a combined wedding, so it works for us.


sba771-I agree with you on the name thing. My BF is fine with them having the traditional family name as a middle name, since that''s what his parents did with him and his brothers. I like the tradition, but the one his family follows (I don''t know if this is the standard, or if they just do it) is that they name the first son after the closest relative that has passed away. BFs parents are Russian (They immigrated from the USSR), so most of the names are pretty stereotypically Russian. At this point, the closest male relative that has passed away is his Grandfather--Boris. Nothing wrong with the tradition, but I''m not a fan of that name. But I''ll go along with it, because it''s tradition and I want our kids to have that.

Allie, are you sure they use the full name? My family is jewish, emigrated from the USSR, and everyone I know names their kids (either sex) after the closest deceased relatives. However, they only use the first letter of the name. For example, my grandma, whom I was named for was Klara, and I''m Katherine (russian version of that). I have the same Jewish name as her though.

My boyfriend''s family does the name as a middle name...his middle name is his paternal grandfather''s, and then his brothers middle names are great uncles on his mother''s side. My roommate/best friend is jewish as well, but they did the first letter/matching jewish name, like your family did. Her father is Israeli, though, and the family is from western europe.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Date: 2/25/2009 8:18:35 PM
Author: AllieGator

Date: 2/25/2009 6:53:45 PM

Author: brooklyngirl

Date: 2/25/2009 11:07:42 AM


Author: AllieGator


Thanks everyone, for sharing your experiences! We''ve already decided on some type of civil ceremony for the wedding...both sides are going to be disappointed, but we figured it was a good compromise, since we don''t care about religion in the ceremony. A traditional episcopal wedding is wayyyy to much Jesus for him, and the traditional Jewish wedding would make my parents very unhappy, since there would be no Christianity in it. We don''t feel like doing a combined wedding, so it works for us.



sba771-I agree with you on the name thing. My BF is fine with them having the traditional family name as a middle name, since that''s what his parents did with him and his brothers. I like the tradition, but the one his family follows (I don''t know if this is the standard, or if they just do it) is that they name the first son after the closest relative that has passed away. BFs parents are Russian (They immigrated from the USSR), so most of the names are pretty stereotypically Russian. At this point, the closest male relative that has passed away is his Grandfather--Boris. Nothing wrong with the tradition, but I''m not a fan of that name. But I''ll go along with it, because it''s tradition and I want our kids to have that.

Allie, are you sure they use the full name? My family is jewish, emigrated from the USSR, and everyone I know names their kids (either sex) after the closest deceased relatives. However, they only use the first letter of the name. For example, my grandma, whom I was named for was Klara, and I''m Katherine (russian version of that). I have the same Jewish name as her though.

My boyfriend''s family does the name as a middle name...his middle name is his paternal grandfather''s, and then his brothers middle names are great uncles on his mother''s side. My roommate/best friend is jewish as well, but they did the first letter/matching jewish name, like your family did. Her father is Israeli, though, and the family is from western europe.

I just wanted to chime in an say my BF is from Russia as well, moved here in the 90''s and he technically doesn''t have a middle name, although his grandma said if he did have a middle name, it would be Pavlovich, his dad''s name. So They don''t really follow that tradition, although I know for a fact my boyfriend does know what it is. I''m not sure if his grandparents followed that with my boyfriends parents, but I have heard of this. He is Jewish as well, but they didn''t really follow any Jewish traditions. But maybe it''s because he is Russian-Jewish?

 

[brooklyngirl]

Hmm, that''s very initeresting. Well, you can have any first name you want, which is great!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 2/25/2009 8:23:52 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13


I just wanted to chime in an say my BF is from Russia as well, moved here in the 90''s and he technically doesn''t have a middle name, although his grandma said if he did have a middle name, it would be Pavlovich, his dad''s name. So They don''t really follow that tradition, although I know for a fact my boyfriend does know what it is. I''m not sure if his grandparents followed that with my boyfriends parents, but I have heard of this. He is Jewish as well, but they didn''t really follow any Jewish traditions. But maybe it''s because he is Russian-Jewish?

The name you''re referring to is called "ochestvo" in Russian, and most russians living in the states don''t really consider it a middle name, and it''s not anywhere in their legal documents the way a middle name would be. In Russia people are addressed by their first and "middle" name the same way people in the states are address as Mr./Ms./Mrs. Lastname. For women this doesn''t change when they marry, so they''re addressed by the same name their whole lives.

The Russian-jewish thing is a can of worms, and a lot of jews from that region don''t practice all the traditions. According to my mother, the earlier generation (grandparents/great grandparents) who lived through WWII were reluctant to teach their children the traditions because they felt it wasn''t safe, so a lot was lost.

 

[packrat]

I was raised as a Jehovah''s Witness, and he was raised Catholic. Neither of us has been baptized or practicing. My parents didn''t care who I married in a religious aspect (they don''t practice either), just so long as it wasn''t going to cause huge problems in the marriage. (I''d dated a guy once before who was Catholic, never went to church, but demanded I change for him, and even went so far as to say he''d have a vasectomy so I couldn''t raise any kids we might have as Witnesses. So, yeah, he got kicked to the curb.)

JD and I talked a LOT before we got married, even tho we aren''t really "part" of our respective religions, and don''t necessarily agree w/all the teachings. We agreed on a compromise. No religious things in the house such as crosses or rosaries or Virgin Mary items. We both believe in God, so something like "God Bless This House" is different, and non-specific. We celebrate holidays like Christmas and birthdays, but no Santa, and I take them to the Memorial every year..tho that''s only happened once since the other years I''ve been unable to go. The only opposition we''ve had is his mother..she used to call all the time, concerned that we hadn''t baptized our daughter when she was first born, and JD finally told her to keep her nose out of it. She used to make those little deals out of palm fronds or something, and sneak them into London''s room..and that earned her a phone call from JD too, so she doesn''t do anything anymore.

I want the kids to have God be a part of their lives, so we''ve talked about finding a non denominational Church, but haven''t had much luck so far. We got married in a Church (Baptist, b/c that''s the only place we could find) by a Justice of the Peace. God was mentioned in our vows. My uncle''s family didn''t come b/c it was held in a Church, and that made JD mad, but that''s their hangup, not mine. My Gramma, a very dedicated Witness, came, and that''s all I cared about.

In the end, I think you need to come to whatever decision makes *you* happy, whether that be converting or compromise of some sort. I understand family wants religion to carry on down the line, but I do think they need to let *adult* children make their own choices, and not make it harder on them. Marriage is hard enough as it is w/out outside familial stressors.

 

[lulu]

I have been a family lawyer for over 30 years so I''m going to throw in my two cents . When many people are young and somewhat newly in love, they tend to minimize these issues. I''m not suggesting that differences can''t be overcome, but they do have to be thoroughly discussed to avoid problems down the road. In my experience people do move back to their roots as they get older and that includes their religious roots.
I''ve been through plenty of divorces with people who thought they could be flexible until they actually had children and the pressure became too much. And then the religious differences become huge in custody and parenting time issues.