Dilemma with my niece who''s visiting (or is it?)

[Aloros]

I''m 27, and I when I''m traveling I still send my parents contact info, itinerary, and where I''ll be. My parents do the same back to us kids. It''s a safety issue. Someone should know where you are at all times, and when you are expected back. I come from an asian family as well (half, anyways), and my aunts and uncles are like second parents to me. If I were staying at their place at 19, there is no way they''d let me stay with someone they didn''t know with no contact info, names, addresses, etc. And hanging out with a strange boy until 10PM without checking back in with them? Hm...doubtful.

It probably wouldn''t be a good idea to try and forbid her anything, but it''s perfectly reasonable to ask names, numbers, addresses, when she will be back, and to EXPECT her back at said time.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 1/5/2010 3:46:40 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:39:55 PM

Author: Ara Ann

Date: 1/5/2010 3:27:47 PM

Author: steph72276

Well, I guess I''m going to be a more strict parent than some of you but....ever heard of Natalie Holloway? She was 18 years old in a foreign country hanging out with newly met boys and it didn''t end well. I would be very concerned about her going out/spending the night with strangers while her parents think she is in your house under your watch. 19 may be an adult, but like others have said, 19 year olds (even really smart ones) make some stupid decisions...

Ditto. 100%.


If she hooks up with the wrong guy (group), her being an ''adult'' won''t help her. She could be in a dangerous situation with this mystery guy...the problem is you won''t know until it''s too late.

I have a question for people who feel this way...At what age or at what point in a person''s life do you think it becomes that individual''s responsibility to make these decisions and judgments for themselves?


I''m not trying to be snarky, I''m honestly curious.

Oh, I believe that the girl can make up her own mind on who she wants to see/date/sleepover with...I''m sure she has that freedom off at college. BUT, the big difference here is that Phoenix has accepted responsibility for this girl while she is in her country visiting, and I personally wouldn''t want to be the adult responsible for this girl if something bad happened. It would just be MY rule that she couldn''t go anywhere/spend the night with a strange boy under my watch.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 1/5/2010 3:46:40 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:39:55 PM

Author: Ara Ann

Date: 1/5/2010 3:27:47 PM

Author: steph72276

Well, I guess I'm going to be a more strict parent than some of you but....ever heard of Natalie Holloway? She was 18 years old in a foreign country hanging out with newly met boys and it didn't end well. I would be very concerned about her going out/spending the night with strangers while her parents think she is in your house under your watch. 19 may be an adult, but like others have said, 19 year olds (even really smart ones) make some stupid decisions...

Ditto. 100%.


If she hooks up with the wrong guy (group), her being an 'adult' won't help her. She could be in a dangerous situation with this mystery guy...the problem is you won't know until it's too late.

I have a question for people who feel this way...At what age or at what point in a person's life do you think it becomes that individual's responsibility to make these decisions and judgments for themselves?


I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm honestly curious.

When they're living entirely on their own (not in college), and have traveled internationally by themselves before and KNOW BETTER!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/5/2010 3:53:40 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 1/5/2010 3:46:40 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:39:55 PM

Author: Ara Ann

Date: 1/5/2010 3:27:47 PM

Author: steph72276

Well, I guess I''m going to be a more strict parent than some of you but....ever heard of Natalie Holloway? She was 18 years old in a foreign country hanging out with newly met boys and it didn''t end well. I would be very concerned about her going out/spending the night with strangers while her parents think she is in your house under your watch. 19 may be an adult, but like others have said, 19 year olds (even really smart ones) make some stupid decisions...

Ditto. 100%.


If she hooks up with the wrong guy (group), her being an ''adult'' won''t help her. She could be in a dangerous situation with this mystery guy...the problem is you won''t know until it''s too late.

I have a question for people who feel this way...At what age or at what point in a person''s life do you think it becomes that individual''s responsibility to make these decisions and judgments for themselves?


I''m not trying to be snarky, I''m honestly curious.

When they''re living entirely on their own (not in college), and have traveled internationally by themselves before and KNOW BETTER!

Thanks for responding. I guess I just don''t see how young adults will learn to be responsible and make smart decisions for themselves if they''re never given the chance. I should just be grateful I had my parents that let me travel from a young age and trusted me to learn and have a wonderful experience - meeting and making friends with locals is one of the most beneficial parts of international travel IMO. I plan to raise my children the same way.

 

[zhuzhu]

I have noticed that very few posters here take this family''s Asian heritage into consideration. Asian family sees caring for their family member''s well-being as a life-long responsibility, it does not stop when the kid turns 18. I understand completely why Phoenix feels a sense of responsibility to protect her niece from making silly, preventable mistakes. By her wanting to "interfere" it is not an act of intrusion, but an act of caring.

Phoenix, I would not mention anything to her mom. I think your niece is old enough for you to have a talk with her directly - lay out your concerns in a gentle but firm manner, and ask her to follow your household rules since she is residing there at this time.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 1/5/2010 4:18:10 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:53:40 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 1/5/2010 3:46:40 PM

Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:39:55 PM


Author: Ara Ann

Date: 1/5/2010 3:27:47 PM


Author: steph72276


Well, I guess I''m going to be a more strict parent than some of you but....ever heard of Natalie Holloway? She was 18 years old in a foreign country hanging out with newly met boys and it didn''t end well. I would be very concerned about her going out/spending the night with strangers while her parents think she is in your house under your watch. 19 may be an adult, but like others have said, 19 year olds (even really smart ones) make some stupid decisions...

Ditto. 100%.



If she hooks up with the wrong guy (group), her being an ''adult'' won''t help her. She could be in a dangerous situation with this mystery guy...the problem is you won''t know until it''s too late.

I have a question for people who feel this way...At what age or at what point in a person''s life do you think it becomes that individual''s responsibility to make these decisions and judgments for themselves?



I''m not trying to be snarky, I''m honestly curious.

When they''re living entirely on their own (not in college), and have traveled internationally by themselves before and KNOW BETTER!

Thanks for responding. I guess I just don''t see how young adults will learn to be responsible and make smart decisions for themselves if they''re never given the chance. I should just be grateful I had my parents that let me travel from a young age and trusted me to learn and have a wonderful experience - meeting and making friends with locals is one of the most beneficial parts of international travel IMO. I plan to raise my children the same way.

That is lovely in theory, but this world is not a safe place unfortunately. Throw tomatoes at me if you will, for being a pessimist, but there are horrible people ''out there'' waiting for an easy mark to take advantage of. A young American girl, going off alone with a guy she doesn''t know, in China, is not a smart way to explore the world. Taking tours of countries, with groups, etc. is totally different than what this young woman is planning to do. Being given a chance, within safer boundaries, is a great way to spread your wings. But not this scenario.

And for those who are unaware of the sex trade/slavery issues going on in the world, educate yourselves. It is happening right here in the US...it is real and it does happen, every day.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I would take her shopping or do something just the two of you. Let her know that you are there for her and not trying to ruin her fun.. But there are some things that she needs to do for her own safety.

She''s lucky to have an aunt that cares enough to worry!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 1/5/2010 4:18:10 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:53:40 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 1/5/2010 3:46:40 PM

Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/5/2010 3:39:55 PM


Author: Ara Ann

Date: 1/5/2010 3:27:47 PM


Author: steph72276


Well, I guess I'm going to be a more strict parent than some of you but....ever heard of Natalie Holloway? She was 18 years old in a foreign country hanging out with newly met boys and it didn't end well. I would be very concerned about her going out/spending the night with strangers while her parents think she is in your house under your watch. 19 may be an adult, but like others have said, 19 year olds (even really smart ones) make some stupid decisions...

Ditto. 100%.



If she hooks up with the wrong guy (group), her being an 'adult' won't help her. She could be in a dangerous situation with this mystery guy...the problem is you won't know until it's too late.

I have a question for people who feel this way...At what age or at what point in a person's life do you think it becomes that individual's responsibility to make these decisions and judgments for themselves?



I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm honestly curious.

When they're living entirely on their own (not in college), and have traveled internationally by themselves before and KNOW BETTER!

Thanks for responding. I guess I just don't see how young adults will learn to be responsible and make smart decisions for themselves if they're never given the chance. I should just be grateful I had my parents that let me travel from a young age and trusted me to learn and have a wonderful experience - meeting and making friends with locals is one of the most beneficial parts of international travel IMO. I plan to raise my children the same way.

I believe in giving young adults the chance to figure things out on their own, I just don't think this particular situation is one of them. If she linked up with a group of young people then that's one thing, but this is a random guy. And FWIW, I've traveled on my own and with groups internationally so I understand the desire to want to get out, explore, meet new people and experience a new culture. But even then has to be done responsibly and in my opinion I don't think the girl is being responsible with her choices. I plan to raise my children to be aware respectful and responsible travelers as well and part of that is being SAFE travelers. You better believe if I was sending my child to China on their own to travel (which I would totally encourage BTW), we'd have several very frank conversations about conduct and what's safe and acceptable behavior.

 

[junebug17]

If I was responsible for a nineteen year old's safety in a foreign country and was entrusted by her protective parents to keep her free from harm, I would not allow her to stay out all night. Phoenix wouldn't even know where she was. What if, God forbid, something terrible happened to this girl? And Phoenix is the one who would have to make that phone call to her parents, and for what? Being afraid of upsetting or offending her niece, afraid of coming across as too strict? I'm sure Natalie Holloway's parents had wished that her daughter was supervised by strict adults. They would still have their daughter. Yes, in the eyes of the law a 19 year old is an adult, but come on, it's two years away from 17, and even good 19 year olds can make poor choices and get themselves into dangerous situations. While I'm on a rant here, it's not a wise move for anyone of ANY age to stay out all night with people they hardly know...why is it ok for a 19 year old to do it? I'm also a little suspect of this "girlfriend". Does she even exist? And what about this guy she's just met? He's basically a stranger. Sorry, too many unknowns here for me to feel comfortable WITH SOMEBODY'S CHILD, and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen on my watch. I really wouldn't care what my niece thought, and I would talk to her nicely about it, but I would let her know that she's not allowed to stay out all night.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/5/2010 4:27:15 PM
Author: zhuzhu
I have noticed that very few posters here take this family''s Asian heritage into consideration. Asian family sees caring for their family member''s well-being as a life-long responsibility, it does not stop when the kid turns 18. I understand completely why Phoenix feels a sense of responsibility to protect her niece from making silly, preventable mistakes. By her wanting to ''interfere'' it is not an act of intrusion, but an act of caring.

Phoenix, I would not mention anything to her mom. I think your niece is old enough for you to have a talk with her directly - lay out your concerns in a gentle but firm manner, and ask her to follow your household rules since she is residing there at this time.

I was thinking this, too.

Phoenix, I totally understand why you''re nervous about this. Your neice, while technically an adult, is NOT making safe choices. When you travel abroad you have to be really vigilant of who you''re around and who knows where you are. Whilst it is possible this guy is harmless, it''s also possible he''s not, and there''s a high price to pay if she''s wrong. You''ve accepted responsibility for her while she''s there, and, legal adult or not, your family will most likely hold you responsible for anything that happens.

If you haven''t already, I''d have a talk with her about what''s expected in your house, one adult to another. It''s common courtesy to let your host know if you''ll be out, where you''ll be, and when you expect to return along with contact information. Can you get her a cheap phone from a convenience store with a top-up card? That way she could contact you if she needed to.

As far as drugs go - make sure she knows the potential consequences of arriving in Singapore with any drugs in her system. It''s not like people don''t do drugs there (I had plenty of friends that did), but the rules regarding use, possession, and trafficking are much stricter.

 

[Bliss]

I'm with Steph. If a family member was in my charge, I'd want to know who she was hanging out with - have their names and numbers just in case. Natalie Holloway does spring to mind. You just have to be in the company of the wrong people at the wrong time for something terrible to happen. You just can't take stuff like that back.

Maybe I'm overly cautious, but it's such a huge responsibility to be hosting a teenager. Kudos to you, Phoenix! And if she talked about using an illegal drug, I'd be even more paranoid about her decision making abilities. Bad decisions lead to more bad decisions. I probably watch too much news, but it just takes one unlucky moment to turn into a tragedy. She's 19 and in a foreign country. I'm sure her parents would appreciate your being strict and protective.

When she goes back to their care, she can be go back to their rules. But in my house, if I'm the one responsible for her, she'd be under my rules.

I'm comfortable being called a party pooper. I'm NOT comfortable being a negligent guardian...If there's anything in my power I can do to keep her safe, I'm going to do it. Party pooper or not!

 

[qtiekiki]

Date: 1/5/2010 12:44:47 AM
Author: swingirl
She attends Berkeley? Is there anyone who attends Berkeley and does not smoke pot? I have 2 kids in college and know a ton of college students and from the 4.0 gpa on down I can''t think of a single kid that hasn''t tried pot, drinking, and much more.

But one thing you need to make very clear is the punishment in Shanghai is probably very different than the slap on the wrist you''d get in California. Tell her that even though she can live her life at home she is putting herself and your family in danger by doing or buying drugs in a foreign country. I am guessing Shanghai is not very liberal when it comes to drugs.

Emphasis the danger that she is exposing herself to but don''t bother with the ''drugs will hurt you'' line because at 19 she''s an adult and with her grades I am guessing she is getting a lot of financial aid that her parents can''t take away.

Me... but plenty of my friends did.

I know some of our younger cousins smoked pot, and we haven''t told on them. But as a cousin, I might not feel the same responsibility as you feel for your niece, especially since they view us more as their peers.

You need to tell her the rules and boundaries in your house and the consequences of the drug in China. And then it''s up to her.

 

[Cehrabehra]

well - she is an adult and it''s on her shoulders - but if you are uncomfortable you don''t have to have her in your home... I would sit down and talk with her as an adult, not as a child, and I would expect HONEST answers and then respect them... if she lies to you I wouldn''t stand for it and let her know and make sure she understands the drug laws in China. If you are an asian family then I''m not sure how else the culture will fit in - but as a white girl a part of me is going lucky thing getting a shanghai fling! Just tell her to have safe sex! hehe

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don''t understand. She mentioned smoking pot at school but you aren''t sure she has on this trip right? Holy projecting! It is 100% okay (and healthy) to have boundaries. She is staying with you in your home so if you have rules you should enforce them. But there is no benefit from telling on her to your sister/brother. She is not your child. You cannot act like her parent. I think I am pretty conservative but I don''t think a 19 year old staying out until 10 pm is crazy. She is a good student. You seem to think she is a good person. Give her some credit. Telling her parents about her "sins" while at school will only hurt them, your relationship with your niece and her relationship with her parents. "If" is a big word. IF she IS smoking pot and IF arrested that is a consequence SHE will have to deal with NOT you. You cannot protect her. You can love her, listen to her and help guide her but you cannot control her or her decisions.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/5/2010 11:01:55 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I don''t understand. She mentioned smoking pot at school but you aren''t sure she has on this trip right? Holy projecting! It is 100% okay (and healthy) to have boundaries. She is staying with you in your home so if you have rules you should enforce them. But there is no benefit from telling on her to your sister/brother. She is not your child. You cannot act like her parent. I think I am pretty conservative but I don''t think a 19 year old staying out until 10 pm is crazy. She is a good student. You seem to think she is a good person. Give her some credit. Telling her parents about her ''sins'' while at school will only hurt them, your relationship with your niece and her relationship with her parents. ''If'' is a big word. IF she IS smoking pot and IF arrested that is a consequence SHE will have to deal with NOT you. You cannot protect her. You can love her, listen to her and help guide her but you cannot control her or her decisions.

I have to completely agree.

 

[Porridge]

I wouldn''t be comfortable with spending the night in her friends house, unless of course you know/trust the friend and have contact details etc.

Smoking pot, well she just mentioned she has done it, not necessarily in China, and realistically many people have at one point or another. I would impress on her the dangers of getting caught in China - invent a horror story about a friend of a friend, that one always worked on me.

 

[Phoenix]

Thank you, everyone, for responding and for your kind input.

I have some update: My niece who used to be my fave niece has turned out to be a bit of a nightmare. She's not what she used to be. Actually, she was something like 12-13 when I'd last seen her prior to this trip. I think I mentioned earlier that I didn't know what kind of person she is now. As it turns out, she's changed totally, from what I remembered of her before. She's manipulative and not very honest. She's lied to us and trust me when I say I know that she's lied, as I am an auditor/ fraud investigator by profession (and have been one for almost 20 years) so I know when someone is lying. She's also spoilt rotten and not very considerate.

What's worst though is that she's shown us so little respect. She told me that she wasn't going to stay at this friend's house on Friday night; but on Saturday afternoon whilst my DH and I were out, she sent us a text message telling (not asking) us that she was going to be staying at this friend's house on Saturday night. Granted she'd given us the friend's contact details but I thought it was odd that she didn't tell us in person nor by telephone - just a text message!! Then, the next day, she told us that she was going to stay there one more night. Her mother in the meantime called us and said that she was aware my niece was staying at this friend's. So, we basically left it alone.

Then, today (Monday), I got an email from her (not a telephone call but an email), again telling us that i) she was going to stay at this friend's for another night; ii) she was going to go back to our place on Tuesday morning (tomorrow morning) to pick up her stuff, so that she could go back to the friend's place and stay there until she leaves on Friday to go home to the States. WTH!!??

She also expected us to take her to Singapore and/ or Hong Kong and paid for all her expenses (ie. flight, hotel and food etc). Granted, I'd have been more inclined to pay for everything had she been more honest and more considerate. Anyway, I told her last night that I wasn't willing to pay for her flight and hotel but only for food, if we were to go away. She told me that it was ok to stay on in SH and that she only came to visit us. But now she's spending the rest of the trip with this friend.

Now, I don't really care so much that she doesn't want to spend time with us. But I do think that she's being very disrespectful, basically treating our house like an (unpaid) hotel, and showing us so little regard. How can she possibly just email me and told me that she was just going to stay elsewhere?! More importantly though, what if she's not staying at this girl's house, what if she's up to no good wherever she is. All that her parents and we have is her word that she's staying at this girl's house? I don't want to be blamed by her parents should something bad happen to her!

Oh by the way, she told me that I needn't take her to the airport on Friday since her friend has a car and driver. Come on, does she think I was born yesterday?!! This friend, according to her, is only 24 years old and is here teaching English. How can she possibly afford a car and a driver? Ok, so maybe her parents pay for it but I just don't buy it!!

[SIGH]

 

[Cehrabehra]

where''s the rest of your post? I''m sorry to hear that she''s in her "growing pains" years but I wouldn''t let it go unspoken. I would say, I liked you as a child, I will always love you, but I look forward to when you are grown because I am not fond of who you are right now. I really would say that.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/11/2010 5:04:50 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
where's the rest of your post? I'm sorry to hear that she's in her 'growing pains' years but I wouldn't let it go unspoken. I would say, I liked you as a child, I will always love you, but I look forward to when you are grown because I am not fond of who you are right now. I really would say that.

Thanks, Sara.

I was typing my post in stages - as I didn't want to lose the whole long post.

You're right. I know you're right. I have to have a word with her tomorrow when she comes back. Arrggahhh!!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I''m sorry Phoenix

I hope your talk goes well with her... it may not give you resolution now, but hopefully you will put down a foundation to build upon once she has matured. She is young still - I know I did silly and selfish things. She may feel that she is imposing too much on your house or maybe that it is too formal and she could feel more relaxed around her friend - but I think the bottom line is the two of you need to talk. I don''t know that I think she is bad or up to no good, just awkward I think. But who knows. Trust your gut!

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/11/2010 7:59:57 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
I'm sorry Phoenix

I hope your talk goes well with her... it may not give you resolution now, but hopefully you will put down a foundation to build upon once she has matured. She is young still - I know I did silly and selfish things. She may feel that she is imposing too much on your house or maybe that it is too formal and she could feel more relaxed around her friend - but I think the bottom line is the two of you need to talk. I don't know that I think she is bad or up to no good, just awkward I think. But who knows. Trust your gut!

Sara,

Thks for responding again. I haven't had a chance to talk to my niece yet. She's still out somewhere and possibly coming back tonight, possibly tomorrow morning - I don't really know.

My DH agrees with me that I should let her mom and dad know that my niece is not staying with us. In fact, I got an email from my SIL this morning which indicated that she was/ is none the wiser with regard to her daughter's plans to stay elsewhere. I'm under the impression that SIL seems to think that my niece was only staying away for one night, not the majority of her supposed visit.

I hope our household is not too formal. Sure, she's been out of line and I've put her right - but gently. It's all about respect and manners and I'd be damned if I let her disrespect us. You see, the thing is, my niece is pretty, slim and intelligent (but not smart - if I might add), which is all very well but she appears to have let it all go to her head. She seems to think or rather expects that everyone will come crawling when she points her little finger. She's as much as admitted - in front of us - that she uses guys. Everything she's had has practically fallen into her lap and she basically thinks that everyone and everything is at her disposal and all she needs to do is pout and blow some kisses and everyone will come running!!

Anyway, all of this is really insignificant compared to the risks that she's putting herself and DH and I in. As I mentioned, if something bad happened to her, her parents may very well say: "Oh, I thought my daughter was with you, under your care. You knew that she was staying somewhere else and you didn't tell us? It's all your fault!!"

 

[Bliss]

Phoenix, I''m sorry. That is so disappointing. I''m with you on the "maybe I''m too formal" boat because her behavior, to me, is shocking. But then again, maybe she is young and spoiled like you say.

Still, wow. I can''t imagine feeling comfortable in this situation, as I can infer that you take your responsibiliies as her guardian seriously. But it also sounds a little like the family is familiar with her behavior already. Wow. I can tell you that most young people aren''t raised this way - they still respect their elders and act more responsibly.

 

[Squirrly]

no you''re not too formal. i''m under 25 and i think she is behaving horribly disrespectfully; i would never go visit someone under the pretense of spending time with them and being a household guest and then ditch them, much less ditch them and expect them to pay for my expenses.

RE: smoking pot being normal for college kids
i''m a recent grad and i never did, in fact, after being at two universites (one of them fairly well known, the other a private college) i can count on one hand the number of people i know who have tried it.

 

[Hest88]

I''m coming into this very late, but wanted to send my support to you, Phoenix.

Honestly, maybe because I''m also Asian or maybe because I know firsthand how immature college students can be, but it floors me that so many people think of a 19 year old as an adult. It''s certainly not legal drinking age where I live, and it''s just one year out of high school for most people. Maybe a 19 year old who is used to supporting herself can be considered an adult, but not a college student dependent on her parents. The only difference b/t a college student, in this case, and a high school student is that college student isn''t under her parents'' roof at night!

 

[Maisie]

I would absolutely let her parents know if she isn't staying with you. Maybe they only let her come on the condition that she stayed at your ho
use where you could keep an eye on her and make sure she was safe.

I have to add that my son is the same age as your niece and he wouldn't think twice about going off and staying with virtual strangers. Some kids are more street smart than others. I worry about him whenever he goes off somewhere!

 

[Porridge]

Phoenix your niece is way out of line. I''m a partier, I wouldn''t categorise myself as a prude but there is no way I would behaave as your niece is behaving. I used to visit an aunt in Canada when I was your daughters age, and I babysat and cooked for them to say thanks! I did spend the night in a friends house, but just one night, and they dropped me there and met the family. I would:

1) ring your SIL and inform her of her daughter''s whereabouts.
2) have a firm talk with your niece. You''re her aunt, not her friend, and you are not a hotel!!

 

[steph72276]

Another vote for her being out of line. She should have just gotten a hotel and then visited you a couple of times instead of acting the way she is. Hopefully she will mature eventually and start treating her family with a little more respect. Sorry!

 

[Aloros]

Phoenix, I''m sorry she''s been so rude to you. When I''ve stayed with relatives, I''m expected to bring a small gift of appreciation, to offer my help with the housework, to clean up after myself, and to write a letter of appreciation afterwards. It''s not overly formal, and it doesn''t mean we don''t have fun together - it''s just the polite thing to do. As my parents have told me, you can''t expect someone to want you to visit again if you don''t treat them right!

I''d let your SIL know what is going on. To echo Hest, maybe it''s because I''m 1/2 asian, but someone who is living off of their parents'' dollar should not be treated as an adult. I feel like adult status is earned, not automatically given as a result of age. You don''t act like an adult, then you don''t deserve to be treated as one.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Hi. I''m a real newbie here, but I want to add my 2 cents:

Your neice is putting you in an awkward situation. She told you she was smoking pot--ok maybe in the goodole USA, not so OK where you are now. She''s used your hospitality with no consideration OR, imo no appreciation. She''s spend a lot of time with people you don''t know.

As a mom, I am horrified at her lack of consideration for you. She is maybe exposing herself to all kinds of dangers and expecting you to keep quiet. I would have a talk with both her AND her parents. This is not a case where she''s visiting from another state. The rules change when you leave our borders. If I were her mother, I would be GLAD you called and let me know what is going on. She may be 19, but she doesn''t sound too mature.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I now lean toward you talking to her mother and putting it in her lap and letting her deal with the lessons on how to behave - you shouldn''t have to do that. Facts are facts, let them be known and let them deal with it. The only thing I would say to my niece at this point is "when you grow up..."