Discouraging Talk

[krispi]

Thanks again for all your thoughtful responses. Since I''m not 100% sure of anytihng at this point, I''ve decided to give it some more time, work on the things we agreed to work on, and see how it goes. To answer some of your concerns, I was certain that he was it (and not just because of the clock ticking - I was willing to wait on him a bit longer) until this talk happened. It shook me up a bit. At the same time, I don''t yet think that one talk is reason enough to go.

I''m sorry for not giving personal responses right now. At this point, BF is at the doctor''s office with either a really bad kidney infection or a kidney stone. I''m waiting on him to call back and let me know what the doctor says, so I''m feeling a little distracted (and really worried

). But I do appreciate all your points.

Guilty Pleasure, was there any one instance that changed your BF''s outlook on your relationship, or was it gradual over time? I have a good friend who was in a similar situation with her very straightforward, engineer BF. They lived together, but he still wasn''t sure. That changed all of a sudden when he had a bad car wreck and saw how she took care of him. I certainly can''t stage something like that, and I absolutely don''t want anything bad to happen to either of us, so I''m not sure whether he''ll have that "epiphany" moment.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 7/16/2008 9:47:36 AM
Author: krispi
Thanks again for all your thoughtful responses. Since I''m not 100% sure of anytihng at this point, I''ve decided to give it some more time, work on the things we agreed to work on, and see how it goes. To answer some of your concerns, I was certain that he was it (and not just because of the clock ticking - I was willing to wait on him a bit longer) until this talk happened. It shook me up a bit. At the same time, I don''t yet think that one talk is reason enough to go.

I''m sorry for not giving personal responses right now. At this point, BF is at the doctor''s office with either a really bad kidney infection or a kidney stone. I''m waiting on him to call back and let me know what the doctor says, so I''m feeling a little distracted (and really worried

). But I do appreciate all your points.

Guilty Pleasure, was there any one instance that changed your BF''s outlook on your relationship, or was it gradual over time? I have a good friend who was in a similar situation with her very straightforward, engineer BF. They lived together, but he still wasn''t sure. That changed all of a sudden when he had a bad car wreck and saw how she took care of him. I certainly can''t stage something like that, and I absolutely don''t want anything bad to happen to either of us, so I''m not sure whether he''ll have that ''epiphany'' moment.

Ooh. Kidney infections are the WORST. Hope your SO is ok.

 

[krispi]

Thanks! He's now thinking it's a kidney stone. The regular doctor couldn't confirm anything, so he's now at the urologist to see what they can tell. Poor thing, I really hate that he feels this bad. And I especially hate being stuck here at work just waiting for him to call and let me know what's going on. I'm going to grab an early lunch to try and clear my mind!

You know, it's kind of funny that at this point, marriage, watiting, all that just doesn't seem to matter as much. I love him and want him to get better, and my stomach is tied in knots in the meantime.

 

[Bia]

Sorry Krispi to read that your BF is sick--I know how scary it can be waiting. I hope they find whats up and that he feels better fast!

We''re here for you.

 

[krispi]

Thanks, Bia! He''s been at the doctor''s all day, and they still haven''t been able to figure it out. The doctor is 60% sure it''s a kidney stone, but he has a CT scan scheduled for 2:30.

 

[LaraOnline]

Please don''t give everything to him. Do you have an interesting job? Is it a career? Cultivate it! Don''t feel you are tied to him.

Loosen the strings a little. You wont be able to meet Mr Right if Mr Can''t Quite Be Bothered has you where he wants you. Cake and eat it? Don''t let him! He''s lazy. He doesn''t have the right to um and ah over your future...

Don''t make any waves, don''t have any drama...you''re a big girl and you''ve played like a big girl, so now you have to BE a big girl...Don''t burn any bridges...don''t mess anything up. He might still come to your party if you carry yourself with class.

But if that ''sexy man in accounts'' asks you out (and he seems like a nice, genuine person of course!) go out with him!
See your girlfriends on the weekends.

Do not let him hang you in his tree.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 7/16/2008 9:47:36 AM
Author: krispi


Guilty Pleasure, was there any one instance that changed your BF's outlook on your relationship, or was it gradual over time? I have a good friend who was in a similar situation with her very straightforward, engineer BF. They lived together, but he still wasn't sure. That changed all of a sudden when he had a bad car wreck and saw how she took care of him. I certainly can't stage something like that, and I absolutely don't want anything bad to happen to either of us, so I'm not sure whether he'll have that 'epiphany' moment.

I can't say it was one thing because our situation is kind of different, so I'm going to say it was more of a gradual thing as we matured. We started dating right before college was over, and he left for navy flight school two weeks after graduation. We broke up as planned, but got back together... and broke up and got back together. We had great times, but he made it clear that I was not number one in his life. There were no other girls, but being a pilot was more important than being my boyfriend. I never understood why this guy couldn't have two number one priorities in his life, but his engineer pilot brain didn't work that way. Then he got sent to Japan for a three year tour, we broke up with him saying, "If we still feel this way when I get back then we'll know it's for real" and in that time he just grew up. He also didn't like it when I told him that I couldn't see him on one of his visits to the states because I was dating someone. He knew that I had been dating other people, but he never dreamed that I might put someone else before him. Boys are morons sometimes.

So whatever the reason, whether it was him becoming a man, or those long lonely nights on the carrier, or the realization that I was a hot commodity who didn't need to wait for him but could choose to wait for him if I want, or maybe I've just grown a lot in this time too, and I've become more attractive to him as well. All I know is that four years ago, I had a brutally honest practical boyfriend who cared way more about getting his wings than me, and now I have an emotionally mature, loving, affectionate, wonderful partner. I used to get so upset thinking that I wanted the man I married to be so smitten with me, that he just snatched me right up for fear of losing me. "I am not a hard decision" after all. But I realize now that everyone just has their right time, I guess, and this right time was worth the wait for me.


Having said that, if I'm not engaged by spring, siyonara. 6 years of on and off long distance complicates things, but now that we live in the same city, we're on real people time, and I want to have a family some day!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

sorry for being so wordy, but I thought of something else to tell you. One thing to consider is the role you play in his life during a big event like buying a house or even picking out furniture or when a close relative dies. Does he push you away or does he draw you closer? I visited Japan and helped my bf buy a couch. I was glad that he wanted my opinion. When his grandfather died while he was on the carrier, his mother called and asked me to come to the funeral and his grandmother hugged me so tight and said that she felt like my bf was there since I was there (I was so incredibly touched by that). I was afraid that he would be weirded out that his mom wanted me at the funeral, but he thanked me for going. When he bought his house here after moving back to Texas, he picked the one that I wanted and never batted an eyelash when the agent would make comments as if we were engaged. That''s so different than how he used to be or how other boyfriends have been. just something to think about.


I hope your guy feels better soon! If he thought it mgiht be a kidney stone, then he must have had some serious pain.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/17/2008 4:08:59 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
sorry for being so wordy, but I thought of something else to tell you. One thing to consider is the role you play in his life during a big event like buying a house or even picking out furniture or when a close relative dies. Does he push you away or does he draw you closer?

This is an interesting point! (hey, I''m wordy too!!)
do you feel that you play an intimate role in his life? Or are the big adventures all his own? Does he include you in his dreams?
Still, I do feel that you being in your 30s means that he has less room to manoevre regarding relating - just at an age where some men think they have more room than ever! - and his telling you that you have ''plenty of time'' for true love and family is really selfishness speaking. Regardless of how ''good at heart'' he is, it seems he is ignoring the truth of your own life situation.

 

[krispi]

So, the CT scan yesterday confirmed that it is, in fact a kidney stone. The doctor sent him home with medication, so now he''s just waiting to see if it will pass.

To answer a few of your questions:

Guilty, I understand completely what you mean about not being his #1 priority. When I met my BF he was in grad school, and I completely felt that way - no matter what, school was always going to come first. It caused a lot of problems for us around the 6 month mark, but it has gotten a lot better since. He even told me that he could only concentrate on 1 goal at a time, and at that point school was his top priority.

I also do feel very included in his life. It''s funny that you mention furniture. For his 30th birthday, I gave him a giftcard to purchase a piece of furniture that he had really been wanting. (I felt that such a memorable birthday deserved a very memorable reminder.) His family also pitched in giftcards, so he was able to get even more pieces than he''d originally planned. I was the one who helped him go to the store, pick it out, load it in the truck, get it inside, assemble it, and set it up. In fact, when we went through that rough patch, he said one of the things that really upset him was looking at his furniture and remembering what a good time we had getting it and putting it together.

I''m included in all family events, although there haven''t really been any tragic ones. He works 2 jobs and wasn''t able to go to his nephew''s birthday party last year. It''s the first time he''s ever missed one, and I know he was dissapointed. I wanted his nephew to have his present at his party, so I went to represent "us". I''ve even hung out with his familiy on my own without him, so yes I do feel very included.

As for his dreams, that''s a little harder for me to say. He has a few different dreams, but I don''t think he''s really clear on what he wants yet. One of our dreams is the same - we''ve both always wanted to live in NYC. We went there on vacation earlier this year and even talked about which parts of town we''d prefer to live in if we ever made it happen. He also talks a lot about just picking up and moving to the beach to escape. During our talk this weekend, I told him that I didn''t know if he saw me coming along with him when he says things like that. His answer was that I was welcome to come with him if I wanted, and that he''d want me to come, but it bothered him that we''d have to find 2 different places to live. He knows that I don''t want to move in together before we''re engaged, and he wants to live together first to see if we''re compatible. (This was the first time he''d ever admitted that.) So, that does seem to be a sticking point right now.

Lara, even though we spend a good bit of time together, I do believe I maintain my own interests. I bought my own house back in September. It''s big enough that we could both live there if it came to that, but I didn''t wait around on him to make my decision. I have a group at church that I''m very involved in. He was invited to participate if he wanted, but he didn''t feel like he had the extra time right now, so that''s something I do on my own. I''ve also been spending a lot of time with my best friend lately, since she just went through a divorce. We''ve been going out to eat, to the movies, to concerts, etc. to have some good girls'' time. So yes, I think he knows that I''m my own person and I don''t depend on him for everything.

Honestly, I get the impression that a lot of his desire to wait stems from his insecurities. He''s never come out and said so exactly, but it''s something I''ve definitely picked up on. He finished grad school a year ago and hasn''t found a fabulous, high paying job like he thought he would, and I know that bothers him. He also came out of school with a lot of debt. In the absence of the great salary, he''s had to take other measures to tackle the debt - he got rid of his apartment, moved back in with his parents, and got a second job on the weekends. I know his self esteem has taken a hit because of it. I''ve told him that it doesn''t matter to me, that I''m more interested in him than his money, and that I''d marry him in spite of his debt. (I know some of you might think that''s unwise, but he is more important to me than the money.) Even so, it doesn''t seem to matter to him. That''s where his comment about not wanting to promise anyone something until he knew he''d have the money for it comes from. The financial stuff really gets him down, and I think he''s worried he''ll never be able to afford a family and kids. He''s also never said this, but I think it also bothers him that I make more money, have less debt, and own my own home. I know he''s mentioned that he wished he had more money to spend on me, and I think somewhere in the back of his mind is the notion that the guy should pay for more things. As it is, I try to be very consious to split things evenly between us.

His parents are still together, but they don''t have the greatest relationship, and I think that also adds to his insecurities. I don''t know a lot of details, but I know they''ve separated and gotten back together more than once.

Guilty, I understand exactly what you mean about not being a difficult decision and wanting to be snatched up. That''s exactly how I''ve been feeling lately.

Sorry this got so wordy - guess I have a problem with that too!