Discussing money with my parents -- and his...

[enbcfsobe]

I have been a rather delinquent biw -- we got engaged 4/6 and I haven''t done a thing other than make an impromptu trip to Nicole Miller with my sister (MOH). This is mostly because FI and I put an offer on a house the week after our engagement, so the whole time since then (besides our busy lawyer jobs) has been taken up by house-related stuff (negotiating, inspecting, closing, getting estimates, getting work done). We haven''t even moved in yet because work is still being done in the house (and my lease hasn''t expired yet).
When we decided to buy a house, we knew that we were probably going to have to shoot for a wedding date in fall 2008, but in the meantime, our parents are all starting to get antsy. This coming weekend FI''s parents are coming to town to visit with my family. FI thinks that they may want to discuss wedding plans/finances. I feel totally unprepared. I''d love some insight on my two major concerns:
1) My parents just don''t have the same financial resources as his. While FI and I plan to contribute significantly to the costs, I think that it would be nice to have help from both our parents. Until recently I hadn''t actually expected my parents to pitch in at all, and figured we''d just do what we could with what we could put together ourselves. More recently my parents mentioned that they would contribute. His parents have indicated a willingness to pitch in in the $15K range, which would be a huge help, but I''m not sure my parents can swing that much. Ideally I''d love to do a 3-way split, but I''m not sure that will work. Our parents have met before and have gotten along quite well. I certainly don''t want the wedding money issue to create any tension, and I''d much rather pay for it ourselves than have that happen.
2) Who is the appropriate person to bring this up? Should FI and I be talking to my parents about it? Should I talk to my parents and then he to his? Or should we just let the parents hash out whatever they think they can collectively do? Is it a better idea to talk about expectations first (type of reception, guest list, level of formality, etc.) before even getting to the $$? Should I have FI ask his parents whether they expect to discuss the finances on this trip? Or just see what happens?

Any help in navigating this, including links to other threads with similar dilemmas, would be much appreciated. Thank you!!

 

[MustangFan]

endcsobe.

haven''t seen you in awhile on here! Hi!

I would to it separately , you talk to yours, You FI talk to his.
I think a 3 way split it fair, that''s what we want to do, and more of a new modern traditions these days with prices of weddings!

 

[hikerchick]

I think you and your FI should both be present during these discussions, however, I would talk to the parents separately not together. Each of you should be the primary spokesperson for your respective parents. I think you should try and estimate what the general per head costs are in your area and then estimate a guest list number so that you can get an idea what you think your wedding will cost. Let's say for arguments sake that it will cost 30K. I think you should let each set of parents know that you are guessing the wedding will cost 30K and that you understand that everyone has their own set of resources and financial situations, so you would be thrilled with whatever money they can offer you, be it 2K or 15K or any other figure. Tell them you do not want this to become an issue and don't want there to be a lot of stress or comparison between families. So, suggest that they give you whatever they feel comfortable affording, if anything at all and that you will then work within the budget that you have.

For example, if once you talk to them, you get 15K from one family and 5K from another, then you know you have 20K to work with, allowing you and FI to decide if you can afford the other 10K to have the planned wedding or if you need to cut corners and budget yourself.

Does that make sense? I think it is rude to discuss one families finances in front of the other and I think it is difficult to demand or expect a 3 way split. For instance if one family can only give 5K, you can neither demand more nor should you force yourself to have a 15K wedding if you and FI and the other family can afford more. Everyone gives what they can and what they want and then you work with that budget.

I would also suggest that you politely suggest that they give you the money they want to put towards the wedding so that you may book the vendors yourself and pay from the wedding account where you can keep the money till needed.

We are paying for everything ourselves so we don't have this problem but if either of our parents offers to give us something, we will gladly take it when the time comes and reseed our savings we are depleting with the money.

Good Luck.

 

[enbcfsobe]

Hi, MustangFan! Seems like your planning is going well! Thanks for the insight -- I''m hoping it works out so it can mostly be split evenly, but I also agree with what hikerchick said -- if my parents can only do X amount, and 3X isn''t enough to have the kind of wedding we, my parents, or his parents would like, it seems ridiculous to hold it to that 3X figure. I guess to some extent I would hope that FI and I can make up more of the difference rather than having FI''s family do so, but we''ll see. I have a feeling that 30K may not be too far off given where I live and the anticipated guest list (approx. 150-175). Has anyone tried to generally do an even split but then let each set of parents pitch in for those things that are important to them, eg: my family will probably invite more of their friends since it will be local for them, so maybe they pitch in more on the reception/food costs, while his family may want things like upgraded liquor that my family couldn''t care less about, so they might cover that?? Or does that open the door for one-upsmanship?
I tend to agree that the families should just decide how much they''re willing to cover and let us put it in a wedding account (and we will do the same). I do worry b/c my mom has major control issues, esp. about anything involving money. Any suggestions on making it clear that this is a gift, and while we will consider their requests and concerns, they shouldn''t expect this to be planned to their specifications?
I''d really rather not have the families discuss the financing together, I think that would be awkward. I''m really really hoping that this is one of those (many) instances in which FI, while good at many things, has totally mispredicted what his parents will do. Sigh.
Also, is there a good way to figure out the general per-head cost for my area (Philadelphia)?

Thanks again for your help, girls.

 

[hikerchick]

Date: 6/11/2007 2:01:06 PM
Author: enbcfsobe
Also, is there a good way to figure out the general per-head cost for my area (Philadelphia)?

I know a lot of people really hate the knot BUT I find the local boards to be pretty helpful for the most part. I post questions to the NH and MA boards and have had luck so far with getting some good help. Any specific local questions are genrally quickly answered particularly if they don''t involve any of the hot button topics like alcohol, money, and other etiquette stuff. But I do agree that the national boards there can get very catty so venture to the knot at your own risk.

Post and ask what people will estimate the per head cost to be for an all-inclusive wedding or ask if people would share with you their venue and the estimated wedding cost and the number of people attending and then you can look at the numbers given for the venue type you would choose.

Good Luck.

 

[neatfreak]

We had a somewhat similar situation. What we did was I sat down with my parents and he with his, to talk about finances. Both sets of parents had said already that they wanted to help (this can''t be assumed) and so we just both asked each set of parents what they would be comfortable contributing. Each set of parents told us their number, wrote us a check, and we''re good to go. There''s no quibbling about who is paying for what, and neither family was embarrassed by their ability to chip in less/more for the wedding. No one except us knows what the other side of the family is chipping in, and no parents know what each piece is costing (i.e., my MIL can''t complain that $150 is outrageous for a bouquet or something like that because they don''t know!).

We then took their checks and if necessary, will combine with our own funds in figuring out our budget. Voila! It was very easy on everyone and no one was offended by not being able to afford more.

 

[cara]

Why should all the parents pay equal amounts? Doesn''t make any sense to me why it has to be a 50/50 split or a 33/33/33 split with you and your FI. Just ask each set what/if they want to contribute. If any parents are the detailed kind, yes it *may* be useful to have some idea on pricing in your area, but if your parents are the frugal or clueless kind, this might actually work against you when they are appalled at the cost and urge you to elope or ask why you are bothering with a marriage if you already have a house! (OK, hopefully all your parents are the nicer kind and wouldn''t say that.)

For my FI and I, both sets of parents are divorced, so we had 4 separate conversations with the parents. They all offered to contribute, but different amounts.

My parents offered fixed amounts and wrote checks. My dad said something to the effect of "well use the money for a downpayment on a house if you don''t blow it all on a wedding."

His parents offered wishy-washy amounts and have been sending partial checks over the year of our engagement. This approach really stressed me out for a while, even though they are both being completely generous, because it was not clear that all of the money they promised would come in, or even what total they were aiming for. Finally we passed some critical amount and I realized that I would have to accept their family style of not being specific with money and accept that my FI and I would just have to cover any gap that was left.

I would really recommend not discussing the exact contributions of the other side unless you have to. You can say "They are contributing too". For us it was probably more sensitive not to reveal the contributions of a person''s ex-spouse, rather than the contributions of FI''s parents vs. my parents, because my parents and his parents don''t hate each other yet or know what the other "should" be able to afford.

In general it is much easier to sign all the contracts yourself and pay them yourself. Though one or two things a parent is taking care of directly and it is nice when they upgrade something but you and your FI WILL loose some control of anything that you farm out.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I''m not entirely tied to the idea of having it be equal, but I thought it might not be a bad place to start, rather than having it be very unequally skewed towards FI''s side b/c of their greater resources. While the whole tradition of the bride''s parents paying for the wedding isn''t followed all the time, it seems like it would create some tension to have the burden be placed mostly on FI''s parents when we are planning to have the wedding in Philly (his parents are in Chicago).
We talked about it again last night, and I think what we may do is try to get each of our parents to contribute an equal "base" amount that isn''t out of my parents reach, but make clear that any "extras" -- extra people, upgraded liquor/food, etc. that aren''t something FI and I are willing to cover out of our own pocket will be things that they each have to cover. I hope this will work, esp. since while I know my parents may want to invite more friends/neighbors, they couldn''t care less about things like what type of liquor is served (they have unopened bottles of liquor in the house dating back to their own wedding!), while FI''s parents would be more into that than inviting extra people (esp. b/c of the distance).
He also confirmed with his parents that this weekend is not going to involve discussions about wedding finances -- it is just a time for us to all get to know each other better and celebrate. His parents felt like they should make the trip out here specifically to see my parents. Whatever works!