Discussion - Checking your spouses phone

[Tacori E-ring]

I am really sorry to hear this. I hope you get the answers you need soon.

 

[lioness]

Dear OP,

My remarks are not about the content of the text, what it might mean or whether or not it was right of you to check his phone. What I'm sensing for your posts is that the true issue lies in your motivations to check his texts.

Why did you peek? Was it to confirm suspicions?

Or, was it to obtain reassurance and reasons for a step that you want to take?

From your posts, I get that the marriage has died. He's not interested in sex with you? Five out of five of my best guy friends surveyed (I'm that woman, the one with all the male friends going back to when we were teens) say that is an enormous red flag.

But even beyond that. You're unhappy. Very unhappy. Yes, you. The sadness and quiet desperation are coming through in your every post, and I wish I could give you a hug. You see, I've been there. I was in a marriage in which I felt like a zombie. I felt like I was dying a bit more each day. Does this sound familiar?

That's no way to live.

It's easier to make a hard decision if we can justify it on the basis of someone else's behavior. "He made me do it." "I had no choice." I'm the victim." While that might work in the short term, that sort of deflection distracts us from the very difficult task of embracing and asserting our right to our feelings on our own terms and our terms only. We women are under enormous cultural pressure to put our needs last, to avoid rocking the boat, to sit when we might take a stand.

Dear Maria, if you feel that empty, that unhappy, like you're crumbling inside and you have felt that way for years, that might be enough. That is enough.

Cynthia Occelli, a life coach, has a great yardstick of conduct for us women - would you want your daughter to feel like this? Would you want your daughter to live like this?

I wish you strength and serenity.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Just wanted to tell you I've been thinking about you and wishing you the very best.

 

[Gem Queen]

Start stashing money. When you use your card and they ask you if you want cash, take cash and hide it. I've been married for a long time and have been lucky. But go with your gut. It's usually right on. When you're married, you have the right, I think, to invade privacy when you feel there is cause.

 

[Maria2015]

Thanks for all the responses. I survived Xmas so that's a plus.

I read all the posts and each helped and really sunk in. So many ups and downs and going through emotions on my own the past few days, as no way am I sharing this with anyone IRL, not yet.

What I concluded is I don't want to throw in the towel yet, it's still been a long marriage with little kids, I can't just walk away and nail his a$$ yet. This doesn't mean I have forgotten a thing, it's maybe the beginning of the end, or maybe the beginning of the repair I don't know.

To make a long story short, yesterday I forced a talk but didn't bring up the texts I saw. I kept it more focused on the state of our marriage. He had alot of pent up issues regarding his family (lonnnnnng time issue for us). I let him talk that out and made some offers to work on whatever (as said I usually come away with things to work on).

But then I made sure I got my pieces out. IE what is going on with us, does he even think this is normal, and how it is effecting me and killing me inside - I don't want a shell of a marriage, I want things like support, intimacy, feeling loved, to feel cared for...basically a MARRIAGE! There was back and forth some acknowledgment. I then asked if there was anything he wanted to tell me, because frankly these are red flags and I am giving him the opportunity to either say he's not into this marriage or that something else is going on, I gave him the chance to be honest on anything or everything. He said he still wants the marriage, still attracted (since I asked directly), and it was just all these things we have in our life, so burned out, schedule, pressure, external obligations..and agrees we need to try. I asked more directly on if he had any outlets or ways he was dealing the fact that we rarely had sex lately. He acted very shocked and said what like am I cheating?? Of course said no, I said well frankly I think it's a fair question and you at least owe me honesty. I really thought he'd put 2+2 together because if he did, I'd have admitted to seeing the texts. He just kept saying nope, no and acted very confused by what he saw as weird questioning.

There was other conversation, but that was these were the most relevant to this topic. I am giving the marriage a chance for today because I don't feel it has bottomed out yet, but this is still there, with me...I'm not putting blinders on. I want to know I gave him the chance to come clean, to TRY, at this family and marriage. While the info I discovered is sickening to me, it wasn't yet enough for me to throw it all away but all radars are up. I also think if I confronted him with it at this point, it would have done nothing but created a massive fight and maybe worse. I don't think he would have suddenlhy seen the light. Maybe he will a bit now, I don't know.

I really appreciated the support and will continue to need it I'm sure, so far nothing but a talk has happened so taking it slow and cautiously. I will think about counseling...the gym, something to get me solidified on my own mental state in case things change on a dime. Today I checked his phone again, same text is there and few other calls (same time as the text I just never saw it before) to other "spas" that from google can go either way, be normal or not. Why are there so many of these places? So I do still feel sick over that but also, surprised that he didn't delete this stuff! Maybe he is really that clueless.

 

[ponder]

Good for you. I know a lot of people think that if they think or discover that their spouse is/may be cheating that they would definitely leave immediately, but it's not that simple. This is your life. You have small children. It can be worth fighting for. I can't stress the importance of counseling enough.

I always thought I would leave immediately too. But I walked this road with a good friend who at 8 months pregnant with their 4th was told by her husband that he had been having an affair, that he did not love her anymore and that he wanted a divorce. She swallowed her pride, accepted her part for the state of their marriage, found a good therapist, and did not give up. I admire her more than everyone else I know.

 

[kenny]

Maria, I wish you all the best as you confront this.

 

[Gem Queen]

You know, I was thinking more on this:
You know you could connect his phone to your phone and see the texts he gets all day long.
I think I would call the number of the text and see where the place is and then go check it out.
You could also put a tracker on his car or a camera.
The other thing I see in Family Law courtrooms all day long and have figured out on my own is, you said you don't or haven't been having a lot of sex, something to the effect.
I have learned that that is all men need. You can get anything you want from your husband by that one act.
I think I would try spicing it up a little. If you feel like you would be okay doing that.
Do you still love him? Is he worth fighting for? If you had it all over to do again, would you marry him?
Life is too short to not be happy. Here I go again, But if it's just sex that he's possibly going after, and I hope he's not, that is such an easy remedy.
If you're having a libido issue, call your doctor or gynecologist and get some testosterone. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes.
Just call me Dr. Ruth. Lol

 

[iLander]

You know, I was thinking more on this:
You know you could connect his phone to your phone and see the texts he gets all day long.
I think I would call the number of the text and see where the place is and then go check it out.
You could also put a tracker on his car or a camera.
The other thing I see in Family Law courtrooms all day long and have figured out on my own is, you said you don't or haven't been having a lot of sex, something to the effect.
I have learned that that is all men need. You can get anything you want from your husband by that one act.
I think I would try spicing it up a little. If you feel like you would be okay doing that.
Do you still love him? Is he worth fighting for? If you had it all over to do again, would you marry him?
Life is too short to not be happy. Here I go again, But if it's just sex that he's possibly going after, and I hope he's not, that is such an easy remedy.
If you're having a libido issue, call your doctor or gynecologist and get some testosterone. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes.
Just call me Dr. Ruth. Lol

What? This is terribly condescending to men, and a ridiculous piece of advice for women. What if she were in an accident and incapacitated? Is it okay for him to get sex elsewhere in that situation? If he becomes paralyzed, can she then sleep around? Are men (or women) such animals, so base, that they can't help themselves?

I, for one, would not want to be married to such an animal.

 

[monarch64]

I, too, had that reaction to GQ's post, iLander. But I think she is talking "surface" not substance, iykwim. At least that's the way I'm going to try to perceive it.

I keep reading this thread and the responses make me want to but I realize this is because of my own life experiences. So I've stayed out of it because I do not want to project my issues onto someone else's life. Suffice to say I do not have high hopes for any marriage in which one party gaslights the other and has checked out physically and emotionally. Of course he's not going to admit to anything without a fight. That would be the adult, healthy, grown-person-wishing-to-have-a-monogamous-relationship thing to do.

OP, I wish you all the strength throughout this chapter of life.

 

[MJ_Mac]

Gem Queen - what is with you and your posts of "blame the wife"? You sound like you have some very old fashioned ideas and that a woman needs to be at her man's beck and call all the time.

 

[marymm]

From my reading, Gem Queen's posts come from her experiences and from her point of view -- which is exactly what PS is all about. (No, I don't agree with her POV, but I do know people IRL of older generations who do share her opinion.)

From my reading of this specific thread, it sounds like both parties to the marriage checked out long ago - the OP herself says she is not blameless. And, while OP has suspicions her husband may have been/is planning to be unfaithful, the only thing we know for sure is that OP accessed her spouse's phone without his permission/knowledge.

 

[House Cat]

From my reading, Gem Queen's posts come from her experiences and from her point of view -- which is exactly what PS is all about. (No, I don't agree with her POV, but I do know people IRL of older generations who do share her opinion.)

From my reading of this specific thread, it sounds like both parties to the marriage checked out long ago - the OP herself says she is not blameless. And, while OP has suspicions her husband may have been/is planning to be unfaithful, the only thing we know for sure is that OP accessed her spouse's phone without his permission/knowledge.

The husband indicated that he had seen this masseuse before when he said something to the effect of " you probably don't remember me" in his text to her.

 

[Maria2015]

Thank you for the words of support from those who offered them.

With regards to the more recent posts, specifically on sex and what men need, at least in my relationship, it wasn't so simple. If it was then yes, it would be a much more straightforward solution.

In fact I was usually the initiator and I have needs too so I don't fit the stereotype. He simply checked out and I stopped initiating since it was becoming hurtful to feel rejected over and over. So partially my fault in that I didn't confront it earlier, but you know, like him I have a 50+hr week out of the house, and also kids and homework, and lunches and doctor visits.. so the marriage went last and sleep moved up a notch. Anyway, another reason why this was so confusing, meaning was it that that he didn't want it with me? Or was it that he felt this was acceptable while we were in this extended rut. Or that he has no marriage moral compass or idea that this was wrong? I don't know yet.

I am not allowing myself to be "gaslighted" or blind to anything, this is why I actually think it's ok to check spouses' phones, because how many times are people, usually women sadly, fooled. He doesn't know I know and I do know what I know, nothing has changed.
All that has happened is I gave the relationship a chance, and allowed upfront talk about the underlying stuff, so that that can't be blamed in the end. I also gave him the chance to be upfront and honest, without him knowing what I know. Down the line if it comes out, he will have to face that or face it now. My conscience is clear, as I gave him the chance to do the right thing without being ambushed or cornered.

Secondly I did take time before I confronted him or had a "talk". I took the advice here to heart, meaning what I did with the info would depend on what I wanted in the end,...for me and my family, and what I realized through all the mood swings, crying in the car, shower, the rollercoaster of emotions through wrapping, xmas toasts and then quiet time..was that I still want is to try to make this work. If nothing else because I will know that I honestly tried and didn't make it all about me. I'm important don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't be happy either if I kicked him out, was alone, kids disrupted and I started to second guess then. Now is the time to go through the motions so when I reach that point where i think I AM DONE, I will be and then trust me it'll be all business.

 

[Maria2015]

From my reading, Gem Queen's posts come from her experiences and from her point of view -- which is exactly what PS is all about. (No, I don't agree with her POV, but I do know people IRL of older generations who do share her opinion.)

From my reading of this specific thread, it sounds like both parties to the marriage checked out long ago - the OP herself says she is not blameless. And, while OP has suspicions her husband may have been/is planning to be unfaithful, the only thing we know for sure is that OP accessed her spouse's phone without his permission/knowledge.

The husband indicated that he had seen this masseuse before when he said something to the effect of " you probably don't remember me" in his text to her.

This is true, there is no doubt he has used this masseuse in the past and reached out to her and other "spas" 10 days ago. Whether he followed through, no I don't know. But it's more than just a suspicion.
Also the text referred to the masseuse by name, asked for an appointment and made reference to it being a long time since he'd been there. A simple google of the name and number brings up many many posts from men specifically reviewing her service and quoting her name and complaining on her not responding to texts. It's gross, but I had to follow the path all the way so I knew what I was dealing with, again, no blinders.
What is odd to me, is he keeps these texts, even after me asking him if he has been cheating or using an outlets to deal with our marriage issues or lack of intimacy. So yea no surprise he said no, but a surprise he didn't delete the evidence or put a pass code on his phone.

 

[TooPatient]

Sending you hugs as you deal with this difficult situation. I hope you are able to find happiness at the end of the struggle, however things work out.

 

[marymm]

From my reading, Gem Queen's posts come from her experiences and from her point of view -- which is exactly what PS is all about. (No, I don't agree with her POV, but I do know people IRL of older generations who do share her opinion.)

From my reading of this specific thread, it sounds like both parties to the marriage checked out long ago - the OP herself says she is not blameless. And, while OP has suspicions her husband may have been/is planning to be unfaithful, the only thing we know for sure is that OP accessed her spouse's phone without his permission/knowledge.

The husband indicated that he had seen this masseuse before when he said something to the effect of " you probably don't remember me" in his text to her.

Housecat, I did read that, and I agree the most logical inference is that there was a previous interaction between the two... whether that prior interaction was by email/text and/or in person remains unclear, and jumping immediately to the conclusion he is a prior customer of sexual services I think is quite a leap absent anything more.

OP - is there no way of tracking the household finances to see if any monies are being utilized by your husband for masseuse/sexual services?

 

[House Cat]

I don't know where you are, but if you are in a state where you have prove infidelity, please find a way to copy his texts and phone records. If you are in a no fault state, don't worry yourself with it.

Protect yourself and your children now. Don't wait to find out that this is a moral compass issue. People change at the drop of a dime the moment the word divorce is mentioned.


Take care.

 

[marymm]

OP - you say you've been married for 8 years -- do you know your husband to be a habitual liar, in the sense that in prior arguments/disagreements over the years he has tended to misrepresent the truth/facts in order to make himself/his position look better? Is it possible that he could have reached out to these services in the past and again more recently but not yet acted on any of them, so that he is telling you the truth now?

 

[Maria2015]

OP - you say you've been married for 8 years -- do you know your husband to be a habitual liar, in the sense that in prior arguments/disagreements over the years he has tended to misrepresent the truth/facts in order to make himself/his position look better? Is it possible that he could have reached out to these services in the past and again more recently but not yet acted on any of them, so that he is telling you the truth now?

These places deal in cash, DH has his own separate account as do I. These days people don't even get hard copy statements. I checked tel#'s a few mo's back and except for this spurt 10 days ago, no other "spa" contact.

No I don't know him to be a habitual liar, he's not even in sales or any arena where it takes charm and smoothess to pull a fast one. This is out of character and a shock. Even me asking him (in roundabout way) was a shock to him too.

So either there's the 1% chance that this is harmless (unlikely), or it's that literally anyone can fool you (something the cynic in me says tends to be the truth), or he is a psychopath who can lead 2 totally different lives. Trying not to believe the last.
So I choose to trust my gut when I married him and give it a shot and address the underlying issues first and own up to my own part of it. I'm doing this to see if this is just the long road I've been dealt with to get to happiness. of course knowing full well these red flags do not bode well for the long run.

 

[Gem Queen]

Let me start out by saying "I'm not blaming the wife." I am just playing devil's advocate.
I think she should do whatever she needs to do. I would be going with my gut and checking into it.... like I said in my two previous responses.
Poodles4me. You're reading into my responses negatively. I don't have old fashioned ideas. There are two sides, I was just stating things that I have heard, not my own experiences. Out of everything I wrote, that is what you took from it. She was asking for a sounding board, that Is what I did.
Unfortunately, once you start not trusting someone, it's hard to get past that. My mind would be playing terrible games.
Like I said, I would be calling that number, making an appointment and checking out the place. I would have my guns loaded, because once she confronts him, it will be all-out war. That is just my opinion.
One more thing I have learned.
When people start talking divorce with their spouse, they usually say it will be an easy divorce and that the other person will be fair.
9 times out of 10 that is not what happens. People start talking to a friend, who has a friend that this happened to and then they start telling you that you need to go to an attorney to make sure you're protected.
If you decide to leave, make sure you talk to an attorney and find out what your best options are. If you've been married for 9 1/2 years, wait the six months out to make it ten years. it will be a long-term marriage and way better for you. Even better if you live in California. I am not a "blame-the-wife-kind-of-person." In my opinion, only my opinion, I have lots of great ideas, which comes from where I work. You will never believe the things I see.
Very sorry if you took it that way.

 

[Andelain]

I don't know where you are, but if you are in a state where you have prove infidelity, please find a way to copy his texts and phone records. If you are in a no fault state, don't worry yourself with it.

Protect yourself and your children now. Don't wait to find out that this is a moral compass issue. People change at the drop of a dime the moment the word divorce is mentioned.


Take care.

'
This is what I meant earlier by gathering evidence. Even if you have to take a picture of his phone with the text showing, do that. Plus pics of the call logs.

 

[Maria2015]

Let me start out by saying "I'm not blaming the wife." I am just playing devil's advocate.
I think she should do whatever she needs to do. I would be going with my gut and checking into it.... like I said in my two previous responses.
Poodles4me. You're reading into my responses negatively. I don't have old fashioned ideas. There are two sides, I was just stating things that I have heard, not my own experiences. Out of everything I wrote, that is what you took from it. She was asking for a sounding board, that Is what I did.
Unfortunately, once you start not trusting someone, it's hard to get past that. My mind would be playing terrible games.
Like I said, I would be calling that number, making an appointment and checking out the place. I would have my guns loaded, because once she confronts him, it will be all-out war. That is just my opinion.
One more thing I have learned.
When people start talking divorce with their spouse, they usually say it will be an easy divorce and that the other person will be fair.
9 times out of 10 that is not what happens. People start talking to a friend, who has a friend that this happened to and then they start telling you that you need to go to an attorney to make sure you're protected.
If you decide to leave, make sure you talk to an attorney and find out what your best options are. If you've been married for 9 1/2 years, wait the six months out to make it ten years. it will be a long-term marriage and way better for you. Even better if you live in California. I am not a "blame-the-wife-kind-of-person." In my opinion, only my opinion, I have lots of great ideas, which comes from where I work. You will never believe the things I see.
Very sorry if you took it that way.

Thank you and not taken the wrong way, I agree always be prepared and have a plan. I did ask for feedback so all is appreciated.

 

[Gem Queen]

Thank you for understanding. Go with your gut. It takes a long time to realize that your gut is always the best compass

 

[Cluless]

Maria, I'm sorry you're going through this, a thought just crossed my mind, could there be someone borrowing his phone to make these texts? Therefore the reason why they're still on his phone, it's not him so he's not concerned about it? Just a question not asking you to put blinders on.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Maria, here are a few smartphone monitoring software programs: eblaster, mobile spy, and flexispy. There are dozens of programs out there, but these are supposed to be a few of the best ones. They monitor all texting, calls and have GPS, which you can access remotely from your own phone or computer. Only thing you wouldn't get with these is email monitoring. And they aren't very expensive at all.

By all means, give the marriage your best shot, but don't turn a blind eye to the huge red flag. You can focus on making the changes you want to make, but you still need to be getting to the bottom of this massage thing (one way or another). If you ignore it, then you're just treating a broken leg while your patient has a heart attack.