Divorce lawyers in NY

[AGSHF]

chiapet,

I''m sorry to hear about your marital struggles. You''ve received some excellent advice and suggestions about seeking marital counseling, etc. I hope that some of my thoughts here are helpful:

(1) How can you hope to "save" your marriage if your husband is not an active participant, be it in seeking counseling, sharing goals or making decisions about your joint future? From what you''ve shared, he is presently unemployed, self-medicating himself through the use of pot and being supported by his mother in his habits. And he seems not to be overly concerned about the situation he''s in? His mother (whatever her motivations) is clearly enabling him to continue in this state; make sure that you aren''t unintentionally doing the same thing by staying by his side.

(2) Although I''m not a mental health professional, I wonder if your husband is clinically depressed? Has he seen a physician or counselor for his own issues, aside from your marital ones?

(3) You stated that you''re not American. I assume your marriage to this man had an impact on your residency status in the U.S? I strongly advise you (as you have started to do) to completely educate yourself as to your rights to continued residency and your legal status in the U.S. should your marriage end. If you don''t have to worry about losing your residency status, then you can make clear decisions about your marriage. If your residency status was established prior to marrying your husband, great for you.

I realize that legal advise is costly, but you really need to disclose all of your circumstances to your immigration lawyer so that he/she can give you firm legal advice on this matter, as soon as practical. I''m not an expert in that area, so it may very well be straightforward.

(4) I assume that you have a job, a salary, funds and assets. If you haven''t already done so, please take steps to determine whether you are able to survive financially should you choose to end this marriage. Make sure, also, that your husband isn''t encumbering you with debts he has incurred without informing you. I''m sure that your marital issues are perhaps overwhelming at this point, but taking concrete steps to determine that you will be fine (at least financially) will reassure you and may help strengthen your resolve. Perhaps you can establish an emergency fund.

Your story has struck a nerve with me and my heart goes out to you. I hope that you realize you are entitled to have hopes and make plans for the future and that you shouldn''t be imprisoned by your husband''s malaise. Speaking as a older married woman, I can only say that you may have regrets now about dashed hopes if you choose to end your marriage, but your regrets will be much greater later after the loss of time if you allow yourself to drift along in this marriage and with this unworthy partner.

I wish you the best.

 

[chiapet]

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AGSHF,
Thank you for your concern! I''m continually amazed at how nice most people are on this forum.
You are very perceptive... DH does have depression and anxiety problems that he did not tell me until after we were married. He takes meds but does not see a therapist, which I totally think he should. But again, there''s not point in giving ultimatums and sending someone to therapy if that person isn''t ready to face his issues, right?
I''ve met with 2 lawyers and asked them tons of questions about assets, immigration status, divorce process, etc... I don''t think I''ll have a problem with my immigration status. Right now I''m more focused on improving the marriage and figuring out what our "issues" are. Not sure if this whole thing will work out but gotta think positive!
I have no qualms about ending the marriage if he''s not the right person for me; I was engaged twice before marrying DH so I''m never one to stay in a "bad relationship". I''m just glad that I am financially independent and have no children to worry about.
I really appreciate your advise and kind words!

 

[gwendolyn]

chiapet, I have no advice to give, but I just wanted to say that I''ve been following what''s been going on with you and I think you sound like an amazing woman. You are strong, caring, empathetic, but still independent and taking care of yourself, while also trying to save your marriage. All this while in another country, to be with this man! I think that, whatever happens, it sounds like you will do what is best for you, which is great. I hope that what''s best for you also involves your husband, but if not, I know that you will be ok.

 

[tanuki]

I''m in the Divorce process right now and although I am aware laws vary from state to state and I understand that New York is one of the states where you have to prove "fault" in a divorce in my state there is something called a "mediated divorce" where instead of both of you hiring individual attorneys you both sit down in the room with one neurtal attorney who acts as mediator.

This lawyer brings up topics like what you want to do about the house, the cars, the retirement accounts, the other property you may have, your child support and visitation if you have children, who pays what for college, life insurance for the child, and whatever else you feel needs to be discussed.

We started our first mediation session in April of last year with 4 two hour long sessions (then there was a break because the lawyer had a family member who had a severe injury) then we have been coming back once or twice a month for a year to work out what is turning into a 27 page long settlement agreement and still haven''t actually gone to the courthouse and filed - but we have done it for a lot less money (which ends up coming out of the joint marital assets) and when we actually do go before the judge with the settlement agreement in hand we will probably be better off knowing what we get before we go to court is something we both can live with than waiting and letting the judge decide for us.

During the lengthy process we were going thru I have seen a few friends get divorced much more quickly and then end up with arrangements prescribed by the judge that they had to live with that were unsatisfactory to them. I''m thinking this morning that we are about ready to sign and when I did a spreadsheet we have come out about even (Georgia law is for equitable distribution and child support is thru these spreadsheet formulas based on how much time the child spends with the parent).

I think we have spent $10,000 so far which is less for the lawyers and more for us to keep in the end. I also took it to an outside attorney for review and he made some suggestions which helped me to go back and revisit some issues and that cost a lot less than giving him a retainer. It was one morning in his office to go over what I was signing and get advice. Maybe about $1000 there.

 

[chiapet]

Date: 3/9/2008 10:06:38 AM
Author: gwendolyn
chiapet, I have no advice to give, but I just wanted to say that I''ve been following what''s been going on with you and I think you sound like an amazing woman. You are strong, caring, empathetic, but still independent and taking care of yourself, while also trying to save your marriage. All this while in another country, to be with this man! I think that, whatever happens, it sounds like you will do what is best for you, which is great. I hope that what''s best for you also involves your husband, but if not, I know that you will be ok.

Hi gwendolyn,
You''re so sweet! I try to be strong and independent but you should have seen me bawling at the lawyer''s office the other week. Plus I had one mini-meltdown at work last month. Thank goodness my co-workers are all female and they''re all understanding

 

[chiapet]

Tanuki, I didn''t think that a "mediated divorce" would cost so much. Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you all the best and hope that everything else goes smoothly for you.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 3/8/2008 10:57:05 AM
Author: chiapet

Hi gemgirl,
Thanks for checking back! Are you a marriage counselor? If so, any suggestions on how to convince my DH to go to counseling?

I for one, KNOW that we desperately need counseling. Since he''s refused to go to counseling, I''ve been buying self-help books. It''s not the same though. And yes, he does not think he has a problem at all. He kept saying ''Everyone smokes pot in America''. Really????
To answer some of your questions: DH had a trust fund that he drained to support his unemployed pothead lifestyle. When he needs more money, he calls his mom who always gives him money. Apparently that''s how it works in his family because his 30-year-old sister do the same. Very confusing for me because I haven''t asked my parents for money since I started working.
Sorry, I''m starting to vent. On the positive side, he claims that he''s been sober for 3 weeks and he''s been sending out resumes to look for jobs. I''m taking it one day at a time and not allowing myself to plan for our future (e.g., kids, vacations, etc..), which is kinda sad.
Everyone here has been so nice and supportive... sending out a big HUGE Thank you!!!

Chia honey. This isn''t a man who is a dreamer. This is an addict. Whether he''s addicted to pot, or to being enabled by his family... or both.

My fiance''s dreams were to be a writer, and those are the dreams he had to come to terms with. The fact that he doesn''t have the personality and discipline or the luxury of time to acquire them to be a writer. He has the talent. In spades. So that''s what made our situation difficult.

Yours is an entirely different matter. If this man has drained a trust fund already, and is now looking for excuses (which I''m sorry the Jewish thing sounds like-- he KNEW you weren''t Jewish when he married you) to pick on you, you need to protect yourself. This is a very unhealthy relationship for you.