Divorce Rates Decline

[Kit]

We''ve been living together since 2002. Our wedding date is 3.08.08. Our wedding is a celebration and a legal transaction but it won''t change our relationship materially or emotionally or spiritually. I often have a really hard time relating to couples who don''t live together before marriage. Marriage to me is a lot about cohabitating, running a household and creating a home together. I feel like, in some ways, if you don''t live togeher you are dating. You can talk and plan and prepare all you want but the actual act of living together is at times overwhelming! I am so glad I got all of that stuff nailed down and out of the way before marriage. Come to think of it, I don''t know many couples who didn''t live together before marriage. I think only two out of dozens did the move in after wedding thing. Of course, if you have your own kids that is a whole different story...

 

[KimberlyH]

We didn''t live together until we were married and it worked for us, but that''s what it''s all about -- no, not the hokey pokie! -- figuring out what is best for you as a couple. We were long distance for a bit less than a year, I moved to be near him...we thought it best to try being in the same city before we attempted sharing a house, got engaged about 8 months after I moved and we''re married 8 months after that. When we got engaged we figured we''d waiting that long to live together we might as well just wait until we said "I do." Oh did I relish in those last days of living alone.

Mine and DH''s friends are about 1/2 and 1/2...and the good relationships vs. the bad are a totally mixed bag...meaning there are some who lived together first that are in quite a married mess and others who are quite content, the same applies for those who didn''t live together. I have one friend who still doesn''t live with her husband (she splits her time between his house and her mom''s where she rents a room) and they are a pretty solid couple, it works for them.

I think it''s really interesting that this effects your ability to relate to couples, Kit. It''s always been such a non-issue in our different circles of friends...it''s such personal/situational aspect of relationships that I can''t imagine it having an effect on my ability to relate or not relate to the people around me.

Hopefully the trend towards declining rates will continue as the effects of divorce run deep in our society and on a more Pollyanna-esque level, it''s just comforting to know that people staying married!

 

[Kit]

KimberlyH,

Yeah, I guess what I said doesn''t make much sense, does it? I think I just don''t understand their relationship...I mean, in one sense it sounds like with your story that things moved relatively quickly and so what was the point to rush to move in together before marriage. That makes sense to me. But then there''s my best friend since childhood, who was with her now DH for maybe 6-7 years before they married, none of which were long distance, and they never lived together before marriage. That''s the kind of situation I guess I have a hard time relating to--not of course the people themselves, but the choices they make. Oh well, it''s not for me to understand anyway. Perhaps because, as I said, I know very few people who have not cohabitated at all before marriage, that I just dont'' have enough exposure to this line of thinking.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 5/12/2007 6:49:48 PM
Author: Kit
KimberlyH,

Yeah, I guess what I said doesn't make much sense, does it? I think I just don't understand their relationship...I mean, in one sense it sounds like with your story that things moved relatively quickly and so what was the point to rush to move in together before marriage. That makes sense to me. But then there's my best friend since childhood, who was with her now DH for maybe 6-7 years before they married, none of which were long distance, and they never lived together before marriage. That's the kind of situation I guess I have a hard time relating to--not of course the people themselves, but the choices they make. Oh well, it's not for me to understand anyway. Perhaps because, as I said, I know very few people who have not cohabitated at all before marriage, that I just dont' have enough exposure to this line of thinking.

Kit,

In the past, and truthfully, it still boggles me from time to time, I have had a hard time understanding the choice to live together prior to marriage. Like you said, a lot depends on what you grow up around, what you experience, and what your own beliefs/values include.

I like to think that since about college I've come to know different people from different backgrounds, and I don't think nearly as negatively of people who live together as I once did. Part of that is maturity on my part, and part of it is understanding that people follow THEIR beliefs, not mine. You know?

You'd said you don't understand why people would choose to wait until marriage to live together. For myself and my husband, it was basically a choice we made because of the belief system we share, the religion we share and live our life around, and because we've both done research in the area, and statistically, there is a lot to be said for waiting for marriage to live together. I think that these days, people see marriage as what you described in your first post, something technical or legal, but to us (and to many people who opt not to live together prior to marriage), it's more than that. It's a bonding and binding of two lives. Sure we have arguments over petty things like the temperature to keep the home, that may have been something we could have thought about prior to marriage if we lived together first, but because we have made a commitment that will be lifelong, something like temperature or my need for clean or his need for time with Xbox every so often isn't such a big deal. We work it out. It's fun finding our niches, actually. I feel like we get this gift of learning more and more all the time, all the while building on the love we share.

Anyway, among the friends of ours who have waited for marriage to live together, these thoughts are across the board. I hope that helps explain why one would choose to wait to live together for the marriage vows to have been said.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/12/2007 6:49:48 PM
Author: Kit
KimberlyH,

Yeah, I guess what I said doesn''t make much sense, does it? I think I just don''t understand their relationship...I mean, in one sense it sounds like with your story that things moved relatively quickly and so what was the point to rush to move in together before marriage. That makes sense to me. But then there''s my best friend since childhood, who was with her now DH for maybe 6-7 years before they married, none of which were long distance, and they never lived together before marriage. That''s the kind of situation I guess I have a hard time relating to--not of course the people themselves, but the choices they make. Oh well, it''s not for me to understand anyway. Perhaps because, as I said, I know very few people who have not cohabitated at all before marriage, that I just dont'' have enough exposure to this line of thinking.

Miss Kit: No need for you to make sense to me, I think it''s an interesting, and totally valid perspective! It''s just something I''ve never considered because our circles of friends are truly so different from one another in regards to relationships (living together/not living together, have children/don''t want to, married/single/married but behave like they''re single) that it has never been something I''ve considered.

And I totally understand where you''re coming from in not understanding...no one understands my friend who has been with her husband for 7 years total, 4 dating and 3 married, they have a baby and as I said, still don''t live together. It''s a totally bizarre phenomenon to me and all our other friends but it is what it is and she''s happy, which is what matters most.

Fisher: I love how much you love your DH and your life together. It''s so apperant in all your posts and it just makes me happy to read what you have to write!

 

[Kit]

Fisher,

Your post makes me understand a bit more. In part it seems your approach to marriage is religious/spiritual. That obviously makes sense. But the other part seems to be your feelings on the interaction between marriage and your relationship. I think this is the core difference--if your views are representative of those who choose not to live together before marriage--between my views and those in the other "camp." To me, the relationship is either committted or not, and the marriage license you sign and the big day you have with friends and family is neither transformative nor is it going to make or break your relationship. However, I should emphasize that our marriage ceremony will be completely non-religious. I know that some people of faith believe that something transformative actually occurs during a relgious ceremony, maybe this is what you are referring to when you talk about bounding/binding of lives.

It''s really interesting, actually, because I wholeheartedly agree with you about the bounding/binding of lives being the core of marriage. And we are just coming to that place from two different belief systems, I guess. I feel that once you make that decision to be with someone forever, which I suppose you could say happens at engagement or perhaps before, you might as well start the bounding and binding! And you do that by creating a household among other things. I really honestly don''t mean any disrespect, but it just seems to me like if you insist upon waiting until marriage to live together that you are putting some kind of barrier to progress in front of your relationship. And I don''t even think it has anything to do with sex. I guess I just get confused at this point. Clearly there may be a myriad of logistical and other good reasons why it doesn''t always work to move in togehter, but...I just don''t get it.

Sorry, I am going on and on but I am really fascinated by this issue.

 

[Independent Gal]

FF and I will move in together AFTER we get engaged but before we get married. I wouldn''t want to live with someone without the serious, formal commitment, but I like the idea of living together for a few months before we marry. But I also see the appeal of waiting for marriage to move in together. I can see all sides of this - move in when it feels right... move in after engagement... move in after marriage, and it''s just one of those cases where I''m so glad that we live at a time when people have the freedom to do what is meaningful and right for them, whatever that might be!

 

[InlovewithJHK]

My husband and I lived together only 2 months before we were married and those were kind of hectic months! We were long distance for the ENTIRE 2.5 years before our marriage (except for summers when I was not in school 5 hours away). For us, it was a VERY easy transition... we have been living together for a year now and it is a piece of cake.

I would have lived together before marriage but it just didn''t work out that way with our distance.

What I find soooo interesting is that some of my best friends at grad school don''t even TOUCH each other before they get married.... nothing... not even hand holding... nada (very very religious). I can''t even imagine what that would be like- life after marriage would be a crazy whirlwind of emotions and new things!