Do you like your future in-laws?

[zoebartlett]

I couldn't have gotten better in-laws, and our families are so excited about us and each other. They do four way phone calls and talk for hours which is adorable... and they are already planning holidays/vacations together. I feel very, very fortunate.

That's awesome, Trill!

I often used to wish that my husband's parents and mine would talk and hang out (they live about an hour from each other, so it's doable). That's not likely to happen though. My parents are very active and are always out and about, and his parents are quite content to stay home and not really do many social activities. I don't get it but they're happy, so that's what matters most.

 

[AustenNut]

Well, do you?
I don't know them well, but they've always treated me nicely. We get along, but if we lived closer I doubt we'd be best buds. We have different interests, backgrounds, views on life, etc.

If not, do you ever worry about what the hell you're getting yourself into?
My FI isn't terribly close with his family, and we see them once a a year for about 4-5 days. And they live more than 1000 miles away, so it's not as though they can just drop in.

I'm quite sure that we will be helping to support his mom financially, particularly since my FI has helped her since he was a teenager (he's now 31). At the same time though, he has also helped her out less than he otherwise would have because he wants to invest in our future.

If you're already married and thought you could avoid your in-laws altogether, did that actually happen?
Not married yet!

 

[jenmarie]

I really get along pretty well with FI's mom. His dad passed away a little over 7 years ago, before we started dating, so I never met him. I also get along with his brothers pretty well.

FI is the baby in the family, which leads to him being babied sometimes. His mom will sometimes get a little miffed if I disagree with him about something, but I don't really take it personally. I think she loves me for who I am to her son. I love her because she is one of the most genuinely kind people I've ever known.

 

[monarch64]

I won't have any in-laws, and the thought of that just makes my heart sing. SO, on the other hand, will have to deal with my immediate family, but fortunately they like him very much and the feeling is mutual.

ETA: SO is estranged from his immediate family. Yes, I've grilled him about it, and no, there will never be any in-laws on his side.

I grew up watching my mother really struggle with her relationship with my father's mother. So much struggling went on that I, in turn, was not allowed to have a relationship with my paternal grandmother. To this day (I am 33 now) I have almost no relationship with my only living grandmother--and only living grandparent--and it really hurts me to the core, still.

I hope that people who are marrying keep in mind that whatever relationships they form with their in-laws, their children will have to deal with, and that it can be very detrimental to a child who is totally unaware of the situation, and, an innocent.

 

[rosetta]

Really good point monarch.

I'm beginning to realise how important this relationship is now.

 

[jaylex]

Well, do you?
Well, yes and no.
I love my FFIL and Future Step Mother in Law. FFIL basically thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread . We play cards together and I help him cook for family parties (he says he hates that he's always the one who gets stuck in the kitchen, but now that he has my help he doesn't mind it as much ). My FSMIL is such a sweetie, although a little insecure and kind of a ding-bat... but in a lovable way.

As horrible as this sounds, I couldn't loathe my FMIL more. She is a totally controlling harpie and kept fiance from his father for the first 16 or 17 years of his life (at least the ones after they divorced when he was two). She has always referred to him as fiance's "sperm donor" and tried to get me to have FI take her husband's last name. She only approved of our relationship when she had control of it. Without going into any more details, this woman basically spits poison.

My Future step father in law isn't all that bad. He has a horrible temper and he is very stuck in his own ways... but (when you get him away from FMIL.. and get him a few glasses of wine ) he's actually a pretty fun-loving guy.


If not, do you ever worry about what the hell you're getting yourself into?
I did at the beginning when FI was very much under her control... but that only lasted for the first year or so. I'm so glad he opened his eyes to the way his mother was... And we haven't had any huge fights over in-laws in the past five years... we're pretty much on the same page. I only have to see her once or twice a month. I do want him to have a relationship with his mother and I know that when we have children it will get more complicated. But we've pretty much worked everything out so far. (Per Fi's instruction) our kids will never be left alone with her. Ever.

Let's talk families. if you insist...

 

[jazzoboe]

Yes, I like my future in laws. They're not perfect, but we get along well, they've always treated me very well.

The first year or so FI and I were dating was a little rougher. When we first started dating, FI was a senior in high school and trying to decide on a college. His parents pretty much told him that he HAD to go to the school 2 hours away, rather than the one half an hour away which was giving him more scholarships, or they wouldn't help him at all, so he had no real choice. So that was a bit awkward for me, because we hadn't been together long enough for me to argue. Looking back I don't mind so much, he's gotten a good education and our semi-long distance relationship has made us really strong. Also during that early time, I think his parents were going through a rough patch in their marriage which was stressing out FI and also made things awkward when we were hanging out at their house. Things have definitely settled down and gotten better since, though.

FMIL is a lot of fun. I can tell she gets a little ticked off sometimes when I disagree with her or disagree with FI in front of her. FI is the middle child, but the first one to be in a serious relationship. Also, she's going through some serious empty-nesting now. FI's older brother graduated college last year and was at home for a year since he couldn't find a job, but he's now gone back to grad school, so he's gone a lot. Fi's sister just started college this fall. And of course FI is going to be graduating college/starting new job/moving out for good/getting married this winter. So she's going through the "omg, all my babies are leaving me!" stage. FFIL is more chill in general, but he can be a bit intimidating sometimes. He sometimes makes me feel like I don't know anything, which is silly and I know he doesn't mean to, it's just the way he is. But he's gotten more and more friendly to me over time and really accepts me as part of he family. Both of them give FI and I a hard time sometimes, mostly because we're young and I think they worry that we'll make the same mistakes they did (FMIL married right out of college and had first kid within 2 years... I think she sometimes regrets it) but I know they like me, so it's alright. FI's brother and sister are awesome. They can both be pretty why, so they didn't talk around me a lot the first year or two, but now we've been together 4 1/2 years, they totally accept me as their sister and I love them to death.

My parents love FI and his family, too. They don't hang out together a ton, but we have his family over to dinner every once in a while and they always have a good time. I sometimes feel guilty that my parents seem a little too perfect, because they're generally really easy going, have been so accepting of FI, and they've been involved in our church's premarriage ministry for years, so they are always thinking about working on their own relationship, which has made them really awesome role models for me- I'm so thankful for that, but I feel bad sometimes that FI's family occasionally causes drama and mine... doesn't. In any case, I can't see either families causing too much drama after we're married, other than maybe fighting over where we're going to spend our holidays!

 

[Cinna]

You know, I have been thinking of this very question for a very long time...
FI is early thirties, supported his entire family since his teens, and will continue to do so for the rest of his life. Bought a house for them recently so moved in with them as well as making the payments.

Well, do you?

It's not like we don't get along, but we are just so different that it's just impossible to be "close". For example, things that I do or say in kindness will unknowinly upset his in-laws.

My family and his family have never met (even though we're engaged!) but it is because we are dreading the day that might ever happen. Their backgrounds and views are so different (complete opposites) that they haven't met but already seem to hate the other side. It's very tense and my parents have completely been against the marriage.

If not, do you ever worry about what the hell you're getting yourself into?

I worry ALL THE TIME. It's stressful, and sometimes I don't think that love is enough between the couple to overcome family differences in some instances. I am not happy with the fact that the FI keeps mentioning we might have to live with his family for the first year or two of marriage if we actually want to save some money (in our culture, I'd have to do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, wait on his family hand and foot if we lived together etc) and I don't think I can handle that.

If you're already married and thought you could avoid your in-laws altogether, did that actually happen?

Would never happen, although we are not married yet. Wish I could though avoid them forever as bad as it may sound.



In the end, I have been in agony over family problems when we're not even married yet. The family issues could make or break it.

 

[sctsbride09]

I like my in-laws in small doses. Lucky for me, I dont have to see them more than a few times a year, for a few hours at a time. My FIL is fine, no problems there. My SFIL is ok too, but my MIL can test my patience sometimes. In the first year of our marriage, she tried to control our holidays, (like we dont want to develop our own traditions, and oh yeah I dont have a family, do I? ) our Xmas pictures and who gets sent cards, and loads of other stupid things. Too many to post here..Anyway, I got fed up, and DH and I decided to live our lives the way we see fit ( he already knew how damn controlling she was, I was just blind trying to be the good DIL), and keep the visits and the info swapping (she gossips ALOT) to a bare minimum. Now things with MIL are much better, the control issues still come up every once in a while, like holidays, but we usually just ignore her/say we already have plans.

I am nervous for if/when DH and I decide to have a child, I just know issues are going to come up. And I am NOT trying to deal with MIL telling me how to BF, or change diapers, or something, I might snap.

 

[vc10um]

I get along just fine with FI's parents and brothers, though his brothers are a bit...unambitious...and therefore we don't generally have a lot in common.

I really love FI's grandparents on both sides. His Aunt (only 2 years his senior) is amazing, and I really enjoy spending time with many of his cousins around the holidays.

I consider myself extremely lucky.

 

[trillionaire]

I couldn't have gotten better in-laws, and our families are so excited about us and each other. They do four way phone calls and talk for hours which is adorable... and they are already planning holidays/vacations together. I feel very, very fortunate.

That's awesome, Trill!

I often used to wish that my husband's parents and mine would talk and hang out (they live about an hour from each other, so it's doable). That's not likely to happen though. My parents are very active and are always out and about, and his parents are quite content to stay home and not really do many social activities. I don't get it but they're happy, so that's what matters most.

It was actually a little surprising because it all began clandestinely... then one by one, our parents started confessing that they had been talking! It was kind of hysterical. Right now they are trying to plan New Year's Eve in Vegas... so we'll see if that happens. My parents are a decade older, but that doesn't seem to be an issue. Everyone is easy going and likes to laugh and have a good time, so I'm really looking forward to family get-togethers, especially around the holidays, because I hate splitting them between two families.

It does strike me as a bit unusual, but FI and I are very similiar in terms of values, so I think that makes it easy to mesh with each other's families. We didn't grow up in the same way, but we value the same things. the only issue now is that we don't want kids... something no potential grandparent cares to hear!

 

[mrs.anthony2be]

Not to brag, but im the luckiest girl in the world! Hehe not only do i have the sweetest fiance, but i also have a whole beautiful fmily of inlaws who have been wonderful to me and accepted me fully. I realize that that is the exception, not the rule, so im very thankful!
we have dinner at my inlaws every saturday, and dinner at my parents' every sunday and everyone gets aling swimmingly no complaints[*]

 

[swimmer]

Cinna, that sounds just awful. wow. I don't want to pry and yet, yikes, can you guys wait or something so you aren't in servitude for years?

Just to give you ladies who are having a hard time a glimmer of hope, I used to post here about my MIL woes...which all centered about her being passive and manipulative in many situations. Then I had her first grandbaby and well, she is much nicer to me and totally in love with my baby and I love anyone who loves my baby. So, all in all, things are much much better.

 

[onedrop]

Well, do you?
Overall "yes" I like my ILs. DH has a very big family and his parents are both married to other people so for that reason it has taken time to get to know all of the personalities involved, and honestly I still don't know them all well. His Dad's family and his Mom's family can't be more different, with one being more reserved and other VERY outgoing and worldly, but I do like them both. His Mom is awesome and treats me really well. StepMIL is also a sweetheart with a good soul. FIL is a pretty traditional, hard-a%$, military type, but I have no particular problem with him and vice versa. StepFIL is an okay guy as far as I can tell. His brothers and sisters are all pretty cool and seem to like me. Some of the extended family members (who are very important in his culture) are irksome, but I don't have to spend much time around them thankfully.

If not, do you ever worry about what the hell you're getting yourself into?
I like my ILs, but I did worry a lot about what I was getting myself into because not only does he have a large family, but in his culture the family tends to be very "involved" in people's lives. And because the families tend to be very involved your marriage/relationship can be made or broken based on your relationship with the ILs. So going into my relationship and subsequent marriage, I wanted to make sure that at the very least, I could be cordial with DH's family. Luckily, I think I have a very good relationship with my ILs, and that makes me really happy! The amount of family involvement has its pros and cons obviously, but see below why it's not much of an issue for us right now.


If you're already married and thought you could avoid your in-laws altogether, did that actually happen?
I think my relationship with the ILs is good because we are separated by an ocean (literally). The geographical separation between me and ILs, is great for me, not so much for DH, but I am SO happy the situation is what it is to be honest. Living closer to my ILs would mean much more input from them about what we are and are not doing in our lives, and how we live our lives. So not palatable to me. Therefore for the sake of our marriage....the distance is a life saver!!!

OTOH, my parents and the rest of my family love DH, sometimes I think more than they like me!

 

[rosetta]

Well, do you?
Yes. Very much. They're funny and quirky and his mom is very energetic (way too energetic for someone approaching 60!) and they're really nice.

If not, do you ever worry about what the hell you're getting yourself into? Nope.

If you're already married and thought you could avoid your in-laws altogether, did that actually happen?
I was married before, hated my MIL. She hated me too. Despite living on the other side of the country it was very stressful. The best thing about the divorce was that I could avoid her with a clean conscience.

Let's talk families.
My SO has met my dad and stepmom. It wasn't particularly eventful. When I introduced him to my maternal grandmother they immediately bonded over a shared language and him allowing her to feed him. I don't think I'll ever introduce him to my biological mother. Too distressing.

So... About these diamond bangles... Do they have their own thread...?

trekkie, here is a teaser from my iphone. i will post pics on SMTB when a few more wedding-related pieces i'm expecting arrive. i hope to have some diamond ones, in addition to some traditional indian jewellery. thought i'd wait till my ring from BGD arrives too.

 

[sillyberry]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, too.

I like my FMIL just fine - she's a sweet woman. I don't know her well, though, and can't see us ever having a close relationship. There just isn't a whole lot in common. FBIL and I get along reasonably well, although we mostly just make fun of each other. He's very handy and fixes things, which is nice.

I don't know his dad at all. As in, FI hates him and we've never met. From what I've been told he's an incredibly charming guy who also happens to be a vicious and manipulative alcoholic. He's definitely not on the guest list.

Neither of us have big functional families -- the wedding should be super interesting -- so we'll see how this goes in life...