Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row...

[dawnabee]

before getting engaged

I mean financial independence, good job, and your life is in order etc... To me I really don't think a person can really have there life in order per se... so maybe that is the problem I am facing. Life is soooo long and I don't necessarily think everything has to be perfect before you get engaged, married and such. Sure things have to be decent or else you will be digging a grave but what if one of you is more secure than the other in their life goals? My BF happens to be the one who is more financially stable than I... he only did a 2 yr program and has been working and saving up ever since and also has inherited money in stocks. He did hit a road block when he got let go from one place because the company went under but then he got hired immediatly by an associate. I, on the other hand have always struggled with what I want to do. I have a BA and been at various jobs which I dont really enjoy and right now I am at a standstill.

This all comes up because recently my so called best friend has been putting her 2 cents into conversations indirectly. She knows my BF since we all went to Highschool together and shes also a hairstylist so he gets his hair cut by her too. Unfortunately she knows about his monetary situation being much better than mine and its causing some turmoil. Since it is now around the time me and him are going forward with our engagement she has been making side comments during our conversations that just really put a pin in my balloon in ya know what If mean..

She will comment in a general sense like "everyones getting engaged and noone has their sh*t together" so its bound to fail and people need to grow up." Or she will comment on money related things like "oh what are you worried about your BF will pay for everything" like I dont have any money or I'm using him. I get defensive at these points because anything he spends on me is to help me out and I usually repay him. Really its none of her business and I wish she didnt know as much since now it seems to be a deciding factor in her reactions to things I talk to her about.

I just stay quiet because maybe she is jealous that we are getting engaged soon or she doesnt mean to hurt my feelings by saying this stuff but really I can't take much more of it. If she has a problem with me and my BFs upcoming engagement I'd rather her say it directly to me. I know if I say something to her about it she will be like "I dont know what you're talking about." So I feel like the crazy one.

Its sad because we have been friends for so long and I don't know what is bringing on her comments.I usually tell her everything and being engaged is one of the most exciting things and now its like I can even talk to her of it. She seems to only see things as money related like I dont have my act together so why would he propose or that I must have talked him into it! Then I come home upset everytime I hang out with her and my BF asks me whats wrong and I tell him whats going on and he gets mad. Its his friend too and he cant understand how/why she would say these things either. He wants to talk to her about it and regrets ever telling her about money stuff in the past but I tell him that it will only make it worse if she thinks I am talking about her to him and stuff.

Ok wow this is very long <sorry!> So anyone elses perspective would be great... are you and your SO financially set before being engaged? Does that play a factor in the timeline you have? Or do people around you seem to expect it to?

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Me and my BF are pretty much in the same boat as you two. He is financially stable, responsible, and independent. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do in life (career-wise). I don't think it's important to have every little detail in perfect order. That's what the first years of marriage are usually about, really starting your lives together. I think as long as you both are mature and ready and know that you can live reasonably, as in afford the necessities without a big struggle, then getting engaged is the perfect next step.

Just sounds like your friend is a little jealous not just of you getting engaged but of your relationship in general. Don't let it get to you!

 

[Mashira]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Dawnabee.... I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know that it can really tear one up inside because I've had a friend comment similarly about me and my BF. I am still in school and not working because my courses are very rigorous and this semester I will be writing my thesis. My BF did not go to college, was in the air force, and then became a contractor. He makes a significant salary at a rather young age (He's 27). He pays for our dates, and I chip in when I can, but it's not very often as I am not working, and my single mother can barely pay for my college. It makes me feel bad from time to time because I sometimes feel like a burden. This is in no way his doing, he is a complete sweetheart, immeasurably understanding, and has never said a word about it and I adore him for that because right now, there is nothing I can do about it until I graduate.

I know where I am going to work once I've graduated (crossing my fingers that I'll get the job) and we know that the financial situation will not be too much of a problem. However, my friends know my situation, and they know a bit about his situation (not how much he makes, just that he makes quite a bit because we are a military town and most people know contractors bring in a lot) and one of my friends commented, "Well you don't have to worry about the wedding, he can handle it." I also got a comment about a gift that I received" from my BF on my Christmas, "It's so insane! At least you don't have worry about getting your own stuff." It makes me feel horrible because I'm not in a situation to help out as much as I would love to. I guess it is because I feel a bit guilty.

The bottom line is, that if your BF and you are stable and you intend on mixing finances anyway, it should not be a problem. If it is a problem between you two already, then perhaps it needs to be talked about. Between the two of you. You know your situation, and your BF knows your situation, and those are the only two people that need to know. I hope you won't let the snide comments of others make you doubt yourself. I think it's wonderful that you have your BA and are finding a suitable job that you will love. I hope you do find that job.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the, "I think she is jealous" bit. It is very sad to hear, but often times even the people closest to us wish they had what we have, and cannot help but bring it down, even indirectly or subconsciously. Personally I wouldn't bring the topic up to her directly, because I can see her denying it. However, if a comment is made again, I would stop the conversation and let her know how it makes you feel, why you resent it, tell her it's not her business, she doesn't know the dynamics between you and your BF or anyone elses relationship, and ask her to stop.

*HUGS* I'm so sorry to hear it's getting you down love, but keep your chin up, and be strong. It's very sad to have to deal with, but you will be fine. Lastly, if her comments are bothering you because you agree with them, then you may also consider talking to your BF about it and deciding together what should be done (if you want to wait etc..) but if you do not feel it a problem, and her comments are making you second guess yourself, I would say forget it, it's not worth it, she is just being snarky.

Eeek! Sorry so long!

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

This post is very very interesting to me. Mainly because I was/am in your exact position.

First my backstory: SO has 14 years on me so he has been very financially stable as opposed to me. I graduated with my B.A. in May and I'm continuing school currently to become a nurse. It's been crazy difficult for me because school just got harder and harder and I had to stop working so I could focus on getting school done and graduating with a strong GPA. SO has been extremely supportive and understands my situation. He has fully supported me the last 2 years in regards to paying my bills for me, etc. He knows that once I am done nursing school, I'll be right back on track for paying my own bills plus I'll be repaying him all the money he has spent on paying for my bills. Sooo---> our situations are similar.

I actually had to stop being friends with a lot of people because this just caused so much "harm" to them somehow. There was loads of jealousy and a lot of bad mouthing me behind my back. I actually recently (1 week ago) had to completely cut out a particular 'friend' because she decided it was up to her to decide what I do and do not deserve (meaning, I don't deserve SO to spend money on me like he does and I don't deserve him to pay my bills). I consider myself a really giving person, so for me to hear people say these nasty things about me really hurt me. Sometimes I do still hear comments about it, but I just ignore it because its not worth it OR I just say "its really none of your business "

I really cannot deal with people who think it is their right to get into my business regarding money. If I don't ask for your opinion on it, then your opinion regarding the matter is unwanted and I do not want to hear it.

Your friend is jealous. Plain and simple. Do I think that couples need to a have stability to a degree? Yes. But I think the degree of stability varies on tons of things. There are couples out there who are very financially stable but does that make them ready for engagement/marriage? No. There needs to be stability within the relationship FIRST (in my opinion) above all else.

I just really hate people who try to stick their noses in something that is not their business, and this one is my biggest pet peeve.

There are two options: either express to her that your respect her opinions but you'd appreciate it if she would not voice them as they make you feel like they are aimed toward you and your SO ....OR....ignore it and let it go. Like I said, I ended up having to cut those people out of my life over a period of time because it got THAT bad.

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

He knows that once I am done nursing school, I'll be right back on track for paying my own bills plus I'll be repaying him all the money he has spent on paying for my bills.

Interesting. Even if you're married by that point? I know if the situation was reversed and I was supporting my bf, I wouldn't expect him to pay me back if we got married. I mean indirectly he would be contributing more to the household, but at that point I'd see it all as our money anyway. I know the "to merge or not to merge finances" is a huge debate within itself...

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

He knows that once I am done nursing school, I'll be right back on track for paying my own bills plus I'll be repaying him all the money he has spent on paying for my bills.

Interesting. Even if you're married by that point? I know if the situation was reversed and I was supporting my bf, I wouldn't expect him to pay me back if we got married. I mean indirectly he would be contributing more to the household, but at that point I'd see it all as our money anyway. I know the "to merge or not to merge finances" is a huge debate within itself...

He says he won't accept the money but I am not the type of person to have allowed someone to pay over 15,000$ in my bills and not pay back some sort of portion of it. He knows I mean business because he did this out of the kindness of his heart and really didn't have to. If he chooses not to accept it, I'll be taking him on a crazy vacation. I am getting settlement money for a lawsuit in that amount and I've already made up my mind that it is going to him or on a vacation I'm going to take him on. We're going to merge accounts. I guess I'm thinking more in terms of the next 6 months as opposed to a year since I'm banking on having that settlement money before we get married.

Thanks for asking that question....now I'm thinking *maybe* I can use that settlement money to pay for our wedding and call it it a deal hahaha.

 

[fieryred33143]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

One word: jealous.

The end.

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

He knows that once I am done nursing school, I'll be right back on track for paying my own bills plus I'll be repaying him all the money he has spent on paying for my bills.

Interesting. Even if you're married by that point? I know if the situation was reversed and I was supporting my bf, I wouldn't expect him to pay me back if we got married. I mean indirectly he would be contributing more to the household, but at that point I'd see it all as our money anyway. I know the "to merge or not to merge finances" is a huge debate within itself...

He says he won't accept the money but I am not the type of person to have allowed someone to pay over 15,000$ in my bills and not pay back some sort of portion of it. He knows I mean business because he did this out of the kindness of his heart and really didn't have to. If he chooses not to accept it, I'll be taking him on a crazy vacation. I am getting settlement money for a lawsuit in that amount and I've already made up my mind that it is going to him or on a vacation I'm going to take him on. We're going to merge accounts. I guess I'm thinking more in terms of the next 6 months as opposed to a year since I'm banking on having that settlement money before we get married.

Thanks for asking that question....now I'm thinking *maybe* I can use that settlement money to pay for our wedding and call it it a deal hahaha.

Yeah I think if you were to just give it to him, it would end up coming back to you in one way or another. I think the idea of treating him to a nice vacation is great. Maybe you could also offer to pay for the honeymoon, since that traditionally falls on the groom. Or, like you said, wedding money.

 

[Jessie702]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

I love this post because i am in the same boat. My SO has 23 years on me, so stable is his middle name. LoL.. and i am still attending school. I took a break and messed up my first year, so i am now going back in the fall as a freshman.Also, im going to school for Theatre education and special ed. I will have about 2 semesters were i will not be able to work at all. I have a steady job, but it doesnt pay well AT ALL. After taxes i take home about 475 dollars for every two weeks, but being we live in a city were the econmy is sooo messed up, there are no jobs. (Nevada and Florida are tied for the number 1 spot in worst economy.) I took have had some bills that he has paid for. Well i dont know if putting it on a credit card, and me making the payments over a few months is him paying for it, even though he eats a lot of the cost of it for me. For example, i had to put my car in the shop about a month ago and it was 300 bucks, and my car just went back in and it was 145. So ive put 450 dollars on his credit card. I feel like i have to pay him back this money, because right now, we dont know if his job is stable, and he has already helped pay for so much for me, with my car and vacations. Yes, vacations are gifts, but we always say we will split the cost, and i ususally just end up paying for food.

So for me, i say no, you dont have to be 100% stable. I think, you should be pretty much stable, but not 100%. I also think it might be good to not be completely stable, because you ahve to learn how to support each other and i guess depend on each other. When you are married its a team effort. Marriage is not always going to be stable, or easy. There will be hard times, its a given. is it not " , for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part"? I know i love C with all of my heart, and we have been through better and worse, and sickness and health. Right now we are going through Richer and Poorer. I know that when i marry him, i can depend on him,and lean on him when need be, until death due us part.

I think paying for the hooneymoon sounds great! It would be a nice little surpise for him, just tell him how to pack..lol

I will disagree with you, when you say life is sooo long. Life isnt long, and no one is guartneed tommorow. I work at a funeral home,and see people of all different ages. Ive seen babies, just 9 months into life, ive seen teens, just starting to firgure they way in life. Ive seen 20 year olds, just startingt o taste freedom, 30's who think they know what they want, and ive seen 60 year olds,and of course 80 something year olds who have lived a full life, and lucky to have lived that long. Life is not that long, if we are lucky we have maybe 60 to 70 years here on earth, maybe 80 if your really lucky. Thats not a lot of time, compared to how long the earth has been here.

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Nevada and Florida are tied for the number 1 spot in worst economy.

Based on your user name I'm guessing you're in Vegas, or at least southern NV. Hello, from a fellow NV resident

 

[Jessie702]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Yep...Las Vegas......the number one spot for the worst economy. Ive lost count of how many people i know out of a job. So you got out huh? LoL....

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Dawnabee-
Sorry for hijacking your thread a bit. I wanted to respond to your post directly. I don't think that both people need to be equally stable. I think what's important is that TOGETHER you have what it takes to be financially secure, pay your rent/mortgage, bills, etc. I know some people get married without this, but it makes it SO much harder. I also think it's silly to spend money on a ring and wedding when day-to-day expenses are a struggle. But, I don't see any problem at all with you not being in the same place as he is, AS LONG AS he is okay with it. That's what matters. Just because you aren't contributing monetarily as he is doesn't mean you're not contributing in another way.

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Yep...Las Vegas......the number one spot for the worst economy. Ive lost count of how many people i know out of a job. So you got out huh? LoL....

I'm in Reno. CA transplant, moved from San Diego a few years ago. I have to say after living in three of the most expensive places in the US (San Diego, Santa Barbara, and the Bay Area), I'm really loving the Reno affordability. And lack of traffic.

 

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Grlsbestfrnd-- I hope you find your career too! My BF and I talk about everything and have a good understanding of our future together. She doesnt know the complete dynamics of anything so it really is just her opinion and prob a case of jealousy. I know I shouldnt let it get to me this way.

Mahira-- I love the long post and it really made me feel better so thank you for taking the time to say everything. What do you say/do when your friend makes those kind of comments? My BF is just as understanding as yours and has never said a word about anything. It is not a problem between us two because he knows I am responsible and very hard working. Plus our finances will be mixed once we are married so it really is silly to be like oh yeah ill pay you back! To that he just laughs because really we mix our money already. Im just very generous in nature so it does make me feel guilty too or like a burden when he mostly pays for things but I know its my own security that makes me feel that way. I cant stand to be idle but I dont want to compromise my happiness at a job I dont enjoy. I guess I will have to stop the conversation I have with her when she says something offensive and just ask her why she is saying things like that. It does make me second guess myself only because I dont want my friends to taint our engagement that way. For us this is the right time though and we are going to go through with it no matter other peoples snarky thoughts. BTW I hope you get the job you are hoping for when you finish school!!

Autumn--I'm sorry to hear that your friends didnt come around and you eventually had to cut them out of your life. I would really hate for that to happen between me and my friend. I really hope she isnt going behind my back and saying these things to other friends either and if she is I know that I will have to eventually just cut our losses. I know its natural to get jealous and be opinionated but I cant take all the negativity from someone who is supposed to be as close to happy as I am. I will have to wait it out and see what happens. If she continues in this way I'll have to bring it up.

 

[Jessie702]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Dawnabee-
Sorry for hijacking your thread a bit. I wanted to respond to your post directly. I don't think that both people need to be equally stable. I think what's important is that TOGETHER you have what it takes to be financially secure, pay your rent/mortgage, bills, etc. I know some people get married without this, but it makes it SO much harder. I also think it's silly to spend money on a ring and wedding when day-to-day expenses are a struggle. But, I don't see any problem at all with you not being in the same place as he is, AS LONG AS he is okay with it. That's what matters. Just because you aren't contributing monetarily as he is doesn't mean you're not contributing in another way.

I so agree with that. Im in that boat right now.

Lack of traffic sounds so nice. I hate that our market is so bad here right now. Hows Reno's?

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Lack of traffic sounds so nice. I hate that our market is so bad here right now. Hows Reno's?

I hear it's bad, but I'm pretty insulated from it. I work for a company that has managed to do very will throughout the downturn. I also bought a foreclosed home. So yeah, I'm lucky. I know that the job market has been picking up a lot over the past few months.

 

[blacksand]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Well, your friend is definitely jealous, and really not much of a friend at all. It really is none of her business.

That said, since you asked for perspective...do I think you need to have your ducks in a row before getting engaged/married? Yes, absolutely, as much as is humanly possible. Maybe it's just me, but I can't stand the thought of being a financial burden on someone else. This is very much affecting my own relationship at the moment. I would love to be engaged tomorrow, but I have some debts I need to pay down first. I feel very strongly about not passing those debts on to him. I do believe in merging finances once we're married, but I won't do that until I'm in a better place financially. I'm working very hard to get there right now...$10K of debt paid off so far! But financials are only a small part of the story, for me. What was even more important was for me to "find myself" as they say. To go off and travel on my own, to find a way to live out some crazy dreams of mine, to go back to school, to figure out what I want to do with my life. To establish myself in my career, to have a tentative plan for where I want to go from here, and to be certain that my plan meshes well with my future fiance's plans. Not saying those plans won't change, nor that I don't still have quite a bit of growing to do. But I am eternally grateful that I did as much as I did before I even started thinking about marriage. I've had so many awesome experiences, and done so many things I'm proud of, on my own. I found a self-confidence I never dreamed was possible when I was a gawky kid.

Anyway, OP, I know you're not a gawky kid, and I don't mean to say--at all--what you should or should not do. Just speaking from my own experience, I guess. Only you know if you're ready. If you're just upset because your "friend" is being catty (she is), then ignore her and do what you and your SO want! But if there's any chance you may be feeling a twinge of doubt because of what she's saying, just listen to yourself. It might not be a bad thing for you to ramp up your career search before you tie the knot. You may not have to, but it might make you feel more confident, which never hurts.

 

[RhubarbPie]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

My SO are not really "stable" and we're getting engaged this month. I have a master's degree and am the bread winner and his parents help us out a lot, but he is starting law school in the fall so he won't be working for 3 years and we are moving to where hes going to law school in August so I will not be as stably employed for awhile as I am now. So no, I don't think you need to be stable to get engaged. Maybe emotionally stable, sure about your relationship, but not financially stable. Following law school, I plan to quit my job and have children and be a housewife, so then I definitely won't be the bread winner. It doesn't matter who is making more money. If you're going to get married it will all go into the same pot anyhow. Its not a competition, its a partnership.

Your friend sounds jealous.

 

[Jessie702]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

O congrats, and very nice.

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

It doesn't matter who is making more money. If you're going to get married it will all go into the same pot anyhow. Its not a competition, its a partnership.

Yes!!

 

[beezygal]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

I'm sorry about your friend. I have a friend like that too. I don't know if you read my other posts before. I wrote this in my other threads. I'll just copy and paste it below:

I have a friend who probably gonna be engaged within this year or so. Last year, she told me she and her bf have a 2 year-plan. At that time, my bf wasn't ready to get married. My bf and I were arguing about this topic. I told her about it and she always rub it in my face about how they have a plan and stuff. I told her long time ago my bf took me to try out some rings because he wants to know what I like when the time comes. She called me desperate. Long story short. Now that we have a ring and my bf is ready to get married, I didn't tell her, 'cuz I don't want her to say bad things.

One time, we went out for dinner,she's even like "oh well.. I'm sorry, but when I get married, you won't be my maid of honor. I want J to be." I never said I want to be her moh. Then she said... "well... when you get married, I'll be your maid of honor FOR SURE..." I was speechleess. Before, I would talk to her when I have problems with my bf. She'll just say stuff like.. "well.. I don't think you guys are right for each other too... he's not good for you." So, I just stop telling her about my relationship with her. I just treat her as a simple friend. Just gather for dinner with everyone else every once in awhile.

 

[princesss]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

While I don't think your friend was at all right for saying what she did, I do think it's a good idea to be financially stable (and preferably steadily employed). Life is expensive, and for me, part of being an independent adult is being able to save up for that on my own and support myself. I refused to move in with him until I was sure I could take care of myself (pay my own bills, budget, save money, etc.). We're currently hitting a bit of a rough patch financially and job-wise, and honestly there's no way I'd get engaged with things the way they are. Both of us have a LOT of pride, and taking care of ourselves without accepting help is part of that (and yes, I realize this may eventually bite us in the butt). I don't think he'll feel totally complete until this job/money situation is resolved, and I'm not about to marry somebody that doesn't feel whole.

If those issues aren't present for you, that's awesome. I realize those are our hangups, and not everybody shares them. But she could be a lot like me and would be willing to put off engagement until the basics were taken care of (job/savings account/etc.). Not that it gave her any right to say what she did (or, I'm sure, HOW she says it). Just that there are people that feel that way about being secure and being able to fully take care of yourself before making any major commitments.

 

[amc80]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

One time, we went out for dinner,she's even like "oh well.. I'm sorry, but when I get married, you won't be my maid of honor. I want J to be." I never said I want to be her moh. Then she said... "well... when you get married, I'll be your maid of honor FOR SURE..." I was speechleess.

It would have taken everything in me to not burst out laughing. Who does she think she is?

 

[Mashira]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Mahira-- I love the long post and it really made me feel better so thank you for taking the time to say everything. What do you say/do when your friend makes those kind of comments? My BF is just as understanding as yours and has never said a word about anything. It is not a problem between us two because he knows I am responsible and very hard working. Plus our finances will be mixed once we are married so it really is silly to be like oh yeah ill pay you back! To that he just laughs because really we mix our money already. Im just very generous in nature so it does make me feel guilty too or like a burden when he mostly pays for things but I know its my own security that makes me feel that way. I cant stand to be idle but I dont want to compromise my happiness at a job I dont enjoy. I guess I will have to stop the conversation I have with her when she says something offensive and just ask her why she is saying things like that. It does make me second guess myself only because I dont want my friends to taint our engagement that way. For us this is the right time though and we are going to go through with it no matter other peoples snarky thoughts. BTW I hope you get the job you are hoping for when you finish school!!

Thanks Dawnabee, and I'm glad it helped! It was only one friend for me, and I also felt as though if I brought it up she would deny it (and I would end up looking egotistic or crazy). So, I waited for the next time she made a similar comment and pounced on it. She denied that it was directly related to my relationship with my BF, seemed a little affronted, but said that she could see how I could think it was about me. In my opinion, she was caught, and didn't expect me to stand up for myself and tell her to stop (I'm normally not the sort to cause conflict if I can avoid it.) However, after that day I haven't heard a single comment on the subject.

I'm also very generous in nature (most of my money is spent on other people, I don't like to get things for myself) and so I go nuts buying presents/xmas/birthday gifts because those are things I can save up for. I'm so very happy that you have an understanding boyfriend and are ready to be engaged! I wish the two of you be best of luck, even though it doesn't sound like yall need any

 

[beezygal]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

One time, we went out for dinner,she's even like "oh well.. I'm sorry, but when I get married, you won't be my maid of honor. I want J to be." I never said I want to be her moh. Then she said... "well... when you get married, I'll be your maid of honor FOR SURE..." I was speechleess.

It would have taken everything in me to not burst out laughing. Who does she think she is?

at the time.. i was thinking "did you just say that?" I never thought of WANTING her to be my MOH. She's stressed out about everything and she has short temper. After hearing what she said, NO WAY she'll be my MOH.

 

[4ever]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Dawnabee - I think people should have their ducks in a row for the most part before getting engaged. I'm not talking about every little detail because there will never been a totally "perfect" time to get enaged, but all the big stuff.

BF and I have put off our enagagment for a very LONG time (he's had the ring for a year and a half) because it is taking us much longer then we ever expected to be totally independant from my parents.

When BF first moved to NZ he was invited to stay in my parents house while he looked for a job and got on his feet properly, at this point I was still studying. We planned to move out as soon as he found work but lots of crapy things kept croping up so he ended up staying here and paying bord with a goal to move out when I finnished uni and found a job. Well it has taken me 6 months to find a job and now that I have, we still need to wait for the thumbs up on BFs visa to move out or else it would be a big waste of time and money since we'd just have to move to the UK anyway.

It may seem really stupid to put everything off so long like we have, but I made it clear to BF that I am NOT ok with getting enaged while I was stil reliant on my parents in any way.

 

[Indylady]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Yes, I do think one should have their ducks in row before getting engaged. I definitely think one should before marriage, and since engagement leads to marriage, I do think it’s a good idea to have one’s ducks in a row before becoming engaged.
That being said, your friend isn’t approaching you in the manner that a concerned friend does, but rather attacking in a passive aggressive way. I also think that she is probably jealous. If your friend were concerned, and she really were your friend, she’d come to you and lay it out with, “Hey Dawna, I’m worried about you..”
Her “concern” of, “don’t you feel guilty SO’s going to pay for your things?” isn’t a real concern. She’s just trying to make you feel bad.
If, as a team, you and your FF can “afford” to get engaged—then who is anyone to say otherwise?

 

[vanilla87]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Dawnabee - i am in a very similar situation to you and i understand how you must be feeling. I have a stable job with a great company and my BF is a professional athlete (we live in Australia and athletes are not paid anywhere near as much as in the US). We have been together for 4 years now and 2 years ago my BF decided to quit his job and go back to university to study education for 4 years... eeek!! This was a huge decision to make as it delayed our enagaement plans for a long time and meant we would be living at home for at least another 4 years (we wont move in until we are married). We are lookign at getting engaged at the end of this year We have savings for a house and a wedding but we know when we decide to get married it is not going to be easy for a couple of years, until he gets a permanent teaching job (Hard to find here in Australia). We have talked about that and understand that this is part of life. You dont know where life is going take you on its journey!! I think if you are emotionally ready for marriage and have enough to get by comfortably without having to live below the poverty line, thats all that matters.

Getting Engaged/Married is about love and committment and being able to support eachother, not about how much money you make!!

Your friend sounds jealous... dont worry about her comments and get on with being super excited about your up coming engagement!!! YAY!!!

 

[slg47]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

There needs to be stability within the relationship FIRST (in my opinion) above all else.

DITTO this!!

Most importantly you need to realize that you want to make a long-term commitment to each other and you are ready to do this. If everyone waited until the exact right time with job/career/money...then...very few people would get engaged (how do you define stable?) Anyway, I'm sorry your friend is being such a downer about this, sometimes people have had bad experiences and that sort of shapes how they view different situations.

If you and your BF are ready to get married then by all means get engaged! Getting married means that you will have to talk about the best way for you two to combine finances at some point but that's up for you to decide and is really nobody else's business!

 

[crossmyfingers]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

I think the most important thing is to have a stable relationship. When it comes to finances, I think that depends on the couple. I feel like being financially independent/stable is a *lot* different than being debt-free. As long as the couple is clear about finances with one another, I don't think people need to be out of debt before they get married. And for a lot of people, it makes sense to go back to school after getting married when their spouse can pay the bills.

I have hardly any debt, but BF has a significant amount because of college. I am a little sad that my debt will technically go from barely existent to a noticeable sum when we get married, but I'd rather go ahead and get married than wait several more years for him to get his loans paid off... Especially considering he's about to go to grad school now and add quite a bit more to that debt.

I'm sorry your friend is being so awful about this. I'm not sure she's jealous, but I know she's not the kind of person you should have in your life, especially during a happy time like getting engaged! Regardless of her opinion, she doesn't need to stir up things between you and your BF!