Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row...

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

amc, jessie, blacksand, rhubarb, beezy, 4ever, indy, vanilla and slg47--- Thank you sooo much for your posts

I want to answer you all seperately but its getting a little late and by the time I type something up the forum times out grrr

So in response to everyone I do think she formed her own opinions about us, not relying on how we actually are but how she views people should be. All she knows is that I am in between jobs for the moment so maybe that equals shouldnt get engaged to her. I don't condone her behavior and plan on speaking with her about it once I calm down from being upset. I like the approval of my dearest friends and family so any jealous, miscontrued, or snarkey comments do bother me.

I think someone mentioned about being in a stable relationship and who's defininition of stable we go by... and really I think thats what its all about. My BF and I are completely on steady ground in our eyes or else we wouldnt be talking about our future etc if we weren't prepared and really dont need anyones approval. I wouldnt be in between jobs if I didnt have backup to take the necessary time to reflect and find what it is I need/want out of a career. Not to mention we are having a longer engagement to help us to save for the wedding we want since we are planning to buy a house too. We've worked out our money management and these are things I know my friend doesnt realize when she says silly comments. Its not really an issue of our financial stability but of what brought on her ideas otherwise or why she is even bothering or commenting about it anyway.

Its really helped to have all the different replies from you girls though!! My BF saw this and just was laughing... I told him its a great place to vent when other people close to you dont understand!

 

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Crossmyfingers-- It is great that you are almost debt free and if you dont mind that when you become engaged/married that your BF will add to that then I believe you know you are in love There are much bigger matters in life besides how much money you have or dont have. I think everyone has some setbacks from either school or a loved one getting sick and basically it adds to our burdens but we still get through.

I'm not sure that my friend is jealous or what it is but once we talk I will let you all know!

 

[crossmyfingers]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Thanks Dawn! I worked hard to get scholarships (and keep my GPA high enough to keep them all) so I didn't have any student debt. And I'm really glad I did that.

I think part of why I'm so forgiving about his being in debt is that it's from school. He's great with money, he is really good at saving, and he really doesn't spend his money in silly ways. So it's not like he's thousands of dollars in debt because he buys a lot of electronics or comic books or anything like that. That kind of thing, I wouldn't be as okay with taking on by getting married. Well, I don't think, at least. Who knows? I really do love this man.

I hope your talk with her goes well! Maybe she doesn't mean to be rude like she has been, and your talk will really help.

 

[kelpie]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

For the longest time I was living in the future, which I think a lot of people do who feel they need to accomplish XYZ before taking the leap. I say live for the now. Life is what happens while you are waiting for it to begin. If the commitment and self reliance is there I don't think you need to have all your ducks in a row. I have geese and do you know how hard it is to keep them where they should be? Geese/proverbial ducks aren't static and neither is life.

 

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Kelpie-- I like that! I agree with living in the present

 

[luckynumber]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

I never thought about financial stability in a future partner, but still ended up with someone who is well off and debt free. Looking back, with my sensible hat on, I probably should have thought about stuff like that, but you just don't when you're in love.

I say carpe diem.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

As long as your prepared for the long journey ahead knowing that things won't be the way you want them then I think your OK. My husband and I were very young when we got engaged, still in college. We both lived with our parents. We got married after we finished college but neither of us had good jobs and we both had a ton of student loan debt and credit card debt from college. It's two years later and I finally have a decent job but my husband is still stuck in a pretty bad one. We're still digging our way out of debt and renting from my mother. But in the end, we're happy that we're doing it together, we are glad we got married before we had "our ducks in a row" because we have that bonding experience of going through the tough times together and getting through it. I think if you can stick it together through the beginning when your broke and nowhere in your career you have a good foundation for challenges that will come up in your future.

 

[Prana]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

The great thing about life it that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and not have to worry about other peoples opinions.

I will offer my two cents, though.

I was with my husband for 6.5 years before we got engaged at the age of 25. Having financial independence was very important to us. My mother always taught me to be able to support myself because another funny thing about life is that you never know what is going to happen. If something happened to my husband, I would be OK-I could afford our mortgage, bills funeral costs etc all on my own. And he could do the same if something happened to me. What if your husband got sick and no longer could work? What would you do? What if he decided to leave you? Where would you go? What if he died? How would you support yourself and continue to live in your established home? Could you do it?

I'm still a newlywed, but can honestly say that marriage changed absolutely nothing for us. It just made us 'legally bound' to each other, which is great! We owned our house prior to getting married, are settled, know each other inside and out as we've been best friends since the age of 14, so for us, marriage has been a piece of cake. However, we've been 'growing together' for our entire relationship, married or not. And we will continue to grow, but it's a whole lot easier for us! And, since we were financially stable, I was able to get a killer ring with no debt Would I have liked to have been married sooner? Yes, but my life didn't work out that way...but I would not change a thing, because I know it would have been a struggle for us had we not waited until we were INDEPENDENT first.

You implied in your original post that marriage was about 'growing together'. That is very true, but why would you want to struggle? What's the rush? You can still be just as committed to each other without an engagement ring and without being married.

I'm of the camp that yes, you should definitely have all of your ducks in a row.

 

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

The great thing about life it that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and not have to worry about other peoples opinions.

I will offer my two cents, though.

I was with my husband for 6.5 years before we got engaged at the age of 25. Having financial independence was very important to us. My mother always taught me to be able to support myself because another funny thing about life is that you never know what is going to happen. If something happened to my husband, I would be OK-I could afford our mortgage, bills funeral costs etc all on my own. And he could do the same if something happened to me. What if your husband got sick and no longer could work? What would you do? What if he decided to leave you? Where would you go? What if he died? How would you support yourself and continue to live in your established home? Could you do it?

I'm still a newlywed, but can honestly say that marriage changed absolutely nothing for us. It just made us 'legally bound' to each other, which is great! We owned our house prior to getting married, are settled, know each other inside and out as we've been best friends since the age of 14, so for us, marriage has been a piece of cake. However, we've been 'growing together' for our entire relationship, married or not. And we will continue to grow, but it's a whole lot easier for us! And, since we were financially stable, I was able to get a killer ring with no debt Would I have liked to have been married sooner? Yes, but my life didn't work out that way...but I would not change a thing, because I know it would have been a struggle for us had we not waited until we were INDEPENDENT first.

You implied in your original post that marriage was about 'growing together'. That is very true, but why would you want to struggle? What's the rush? You can still be just as committed to each other without an engagement ring and without being married.

I'm of the camp that yes, you should definitely have all of your ducks in a row.

Hmmm I think you got my post wrong. We wouldnt be finacially struggling at all or rushing things. This is just my friends nosey perspective.

 

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Luckynumber--Before I went to bed last night I had the same Carpe Diem thing in my head. Funnily enough I was trying to think of the saying since the college I went to made a coffehouse called Cafe Diem on campus my last year and then I remembered it.

Asscherhalo--thats sounds just about lovely right now. I wouldnt mind being broke, stuggling, whatever as long as its with him and it makes us grow together. At least then everyone can call us fools and we would know and still wouldnt care

So I do have an update on the situation with my friend.

She has definately been drinking the hatorade! I decided to talk to her about the few things she has been saying it went a little like this:

Me: So I wanted to talk to you about something thats been bothering me. Do you have a problem with something about me and BFs relationship because it seems like it lately. I notice that you have been making comments about me talking him into engagement and him paying for things and I just dont understand where its coming from. Id rather you tell me about it then go and talk about it behind my back to our friends.

Her: (my thoughts:denial.. i knew it ) Why would I have a problem with it? What have I said? The only thing I feel toward that makes me kinda sad is that Im not gonna be as excited when it happens because Ive know for a while that its gonna happen and I wanted to have that Jareds moment commercial with you [My thoughts: why should she be the one excited??? its not her surprise? arent I the one supposed to be excited while she is supposed to be excited for me?]

Me: You said a comment while I was talking to Friend 2 about BF helping me pay for a new laptop. I said I was going to give him the money back and you said PSSSHHSHHH Yeah Right!!??! Why would you say it like that? Then when I was talking to you about my setting and things with you and your guy (they dated seriously then broke up bc her family is very strict and now are starting to see eachother) you made a comment about having the "opposite" problem that you didnt have to "talk" your BF into anything instead you had to talk him out of it.

Her: Im very happy for you I think you over analyze things bc I wish nothing but the best for you.[my thoughts; maybe you did but not in this lifetime] The opposite thing I only said bc you said Im next (i had mentioned that she would b the next one of us to get engaged prob) and i cant do it bc of my parents no matter how much i want it. (my thoughts: still does not answer or justify what she really said to me) The money thing was a compliment bc BF is a good guy and never lets girls pay [my thoughts: whateverrr i dont care anymore]

Basically what I knew would happen...she'd deny the fact then try to sweet talk me into believing she was serious and still give me the run around about her reasons. At no point did she really touch upon what I was saying in an honest way. The last thing she said was that she has love me as a friend longer than my BF has. Which leads me to believe it is a case of jealousy... him taking her place or me taking his place with her... not really sure but my head hurts to try and figure it out anymore.

Ive decided to distance myself far far away since after all that was semi-resolved in my head. I go on facebook and see a little while ago that she posts a status saying "Bros before hoes. Always. Yep." Now this is what I mean when I say she says/does things indirectly to cause a spark or causes me to assume that I have something to do with her post. My BF is the one who actually read the post and was about to say something... luckily he is not hot tempered and didnt say anything but just saw the aggravation I was talking about since now he is in this too.

Im sorry I wasting this much time and energy on someone so negative in my life that I really thought was truly a good friend. I guess people change when we least expect it.

 

[Prana]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

After re-reading your original post, I think your friend might be jealous-but not of you.

I think she might be jealous that she is unable to get what she wants (engagement) right now, because she feels that it is better to wait until she has all her ducks in a row, instead of rushing into it when the timing is not right for her. And these feelings of hers are coming across in her conversation with you. She really is not unhappy for you, nor is she jealous of you.

It's very hard to wait for something that you know you will inevitably get, while you have to sit back and watch it happen for everyone else in the present.

I cannot relate on an engagement front, but I can relate on a 'living with my boyfriend' front. I would have loved to live with him long before we got engaged and married. The first time we officially 'moved in' together, was when we purchased our house 2.5 years ago. We'd been dating for about 6 years prior to that, just to give a bit of perspective. Many of our friends had already moved into apartments together, and I wished I could do the same. But mine and my husbands voice of reason said no- not until you are out of school and able to support yourself. It made absolutely no difference in the long run, but when you are living in the present moment of frustration, it's hard to look forward to the future. However, I never said anything to any of my friends about it. That's not really my style. I kept it to myself

So I can totally understand where your friend is coming from, and although it might be hard for you to overlook her comments, I don't think that you should take them personally.

 

[sctsbride09]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Your friend is jealous for sure. But on a side note, I see that you discuss your financial situation with her. If I was you, I would no longer discuss how you pay for things/ if your BF helps you, buys you things. How you and your BF handle your finances in NONE of your friends business, and it sounds like she is throwing it your face anyway. If he chooses to buy you a laptop, why should your friend care? The only persons finances she should be judging is her own.

 

[dawnabee]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

girlface-- yes that about sums it up in a nutshell... i know she is probably unhappy since right about now she dreamed of being engaged with her guy but it didnt work out that way. its just at this point people go through so much school and other things it hard to be in a financially secure state until 30s or 40s or maybe not even then but who knows!

sctsbride-- i know now i kind of have to curb what i say about certain things to her so i dont trigger insults or judgement.


at least i learned a lot from all of this

 

[Prana]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

Well, like others have said, stability is different for everyone. For me it was being independent, having my career, so on and so forth. For others, it is only being emotionally ready. Either way, your 'ducks' would be lined up and waiting to march, because it's what is right for you as an individual, not what is right by society's standards. Some people spend their whole lives hopping from job to job, house to house and whatnot, but that doesn't mean that they should never get married. Everyone's got their own timeline and guidelines to follow.

It's really hard sometimes to break away from societal norms and do what is right for you, but you can only be happy living for YOU, and not for what everyone else thinks you should be doing.

 

[JulieN]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

hah, girlface, I thought you had your ducks in a row so you could shoot them...

 

[Prana]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

hah, girlface, I thought you had your ducks in a row so you could shoot them...

 

[nicoleben]

Re: Do you think its necessary to have your ducks in a row..

I agree with everyone else here. I dont think you need to have perfectly in order. The only thing that should be perfectly in order is that you two are on the same page, and love each other dearly. My boyfriend makes a lot more $$ than me, but that doesnt stop anything from happening. Im still in school, im on my internship, but im still getting my masters degree. No one is perfect, but if he loves you, then that shouldnt stop anything!

Im sure you'll find something you love to do! It takes time!