Do you understand his logic? Long...sorry

[fieryred33143]

See, I *was* all stressed out because we have been together for six years and still no engagement. But according to him, he feels that we have only been in a “real” relationship for the past 1.5 years. And even though he knows he wants to marry me now, these past 2 years (rounding up) was really his time to move from “this is my girlfriend” to “this is my future wife”. Here’s the background story:

We met in March of 2002. I was casually dating his friend at the time and had a get together at my home. His friend invited my BF to the party and that’s where we met. It didn’t work out with the friend and a month later my BF called. We didn’t start dating exclusively until about July 2002 after going on some dates and long conversations on the phone (those were the days). Even then, he didn’t want to label anything. He had gotten out of a long relationship a few years prior and had a bunch of rotten relationships after. It took about a year for him to say “my girlfriend.” I met his parents a year after that…imagine his mother’s surprise when her son’s “new” girlfriend announces that she has been dating him for 2 years

.

From July 2002 through December 2005, we were long distance (about an hour away from each other). We would see each other on the weekends and maybe once a month during the week (I was a student taking 5 classes and working 60 hours…no time not even for myself). We didn’t spend holidays together as I usually went home (permanent address was about 5 hours away). In December 2005, I had to leave my apartment and his parents opened up their home to me. I was living with his parents until he and I bought a home in July 2006. In his eyes, that’s when we really became a couple. Although he was always committed to me, he felt as though we didn’t really “know” each other because we had never been in one place together for longer than a weekend.

So here I am thinking that its been six long years…and he’s thinking yes its been six years, but not really. My boyfriend and I are still on the same page about marriage and in his words he isn’t using that as an excuse. He just feels that had we lived in the same city and saw each other every day, he would have realized that I’m the one for him much sooner. But he feels that he can’t be expected to know someone is the one for him forever when he felt he hardly knew me. Does this logic make sense to anyone else?

 

[FrekeChild]

<--this is me saying "No."

 

[Lauren8211]

No.

It sounds like a bad excuse to me! Like... really bad one.

That would have hurt my feelings and made me feel like those first 4 years meant nothing.

I hope this is some elaborate plan to throw you off your game and propose soon.

Otherwise... there is no logic.

 

[fieryred33143]

Yeah that''s kind of my feeling excet my face was more a combination of

and

I do believe him when he says that he wasn''t thinking marriage for the first four to five years of our relationship. I wasn''t either to be honest. But I think this whole explanation of his is in response to being embarrassed that its been 6 years and we aren''t married yet. I think he''s trying to justify it. I keep telling him it doesn''t matter how he got there as long as he''s there and I''m not standing alone.

But I was just curious if this made sense to anyone else. My reaction was to give him that face and tell him to take out the trash.

 

[sunnyd]

Sorry, but why are you worried? You have a wedding date set! Did something change?

 

[LiveLaughLove]

But he feels that he can’t be expected to know someone is the one for him forever when he felt he hardly knew me. Does this logic make sense to anyone else?





This doesn''t sound too good. It really sounds like an excuse. Either he''s extremely cautious about relationships or he''s still not sure you''re the one for him. Sorry

And you are not crazy- his logic makes no sense!

 

[Erin]

Ask Gwendolyn if the years she spent in a LDR 'counted'

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

There is no logic, he is stalling. He dated you for 2 years before his mom knew about you? 1 year before you were his GF? Honey, he has serious commitment issues and you will be waiting a long time unless you both address them. You may be waiting years before he even begins to be serious, and even then he may not. You need a LONG talk about timelines so you are on the same page, because at the moment, you really aren''t.
I don''t mean to be harsh, but is you do a brief search through LIW, you will see how many women were in your place, waited years, and then had to leave because it was never going to happen; don''t let that happen to you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:37:18 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Ask Gwendolyn if the years she spent in a LDR ''counted''

I didn''t get the imipression from him that it didn''t count. I think, as I mentioned, that he''s just trying to justify not asking sooner. I would hate to believe that I misread his actions over these last few years. He''s been there through a lot of my downs (not only mine but also my families) and has shared a lot of the ups. He took over the role of dad to my young brothers that didn''t have anyone growing up (playing sports, teaching them to be gentlemen, etc.). So I know that it was very much real to him...but I think that he wanted to move in to test the waters before committing.

My whole thing is that I despise testing the waters. I don''t believet that 2 people should move in together to figure out whether they can be married. I think that if you don''t know, then moving in will aggravate whatever issues are already existing. So when we moved in together, I knew he was my forever...I just wasn''t ready to get married. I didn''t know that he moved in to figure out whether we can be married. That totally shocked me. Here I am advocating against moving in to test the waters...and that is exactly what he did. It''s werid the kind of things that are brought up when you start discussing marriage.

And to the person that asked me about why does it matter even though we have the date...it matters because it does. It''s an important issue for me regardless of whether our date is next week or in 10 years.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:41:56 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
There is no logic, he is stalling. He dated you for 2 years before his mom knew about you? 1 year before you were his GF? Honey, he has serious commitment issues and you will be waiting a long time unless you both address them. You may be waiting years before he even begins to be serious, and even then he may not. You need a LONG talk about timelines so you are on the same page, because at the moment, you really aren''t.
I don''t mean to be harsh, but is you do a brief search through LIW, you will see how many women were in your place, waited years, and then had to leave because it was never going to happen; don''t let that happen to you.

I think I need to explain further about *him* I just didn''t want to write too much.

He is very close to his family...like extremely close. He was dating a girl for about 3 years when she cheated on him and then left him for the other guy. On top of him being devestated, his mother and father were both depressed. They had a daughter that passed away and were never able to have any more children. They grew attached to this girl as she was their own daughter and when she did what she did, it broke their hearts (this may sound weird but lets face it...when you marry someone, you also marry the family so they are bound to get emotionally attached in one way or another). After that he decided that he wasn''t going to bring home any other women until he was serious and he didn''t. The night I met his family and they found out it had been 2 years, they were shocked but they understood why he did that. And now that I''ve spent the past 4 with his family...I understand also. His mom and dad treat me like a daughter. He and I have never broken up ever, not even taken a break from each other but there was a period where I was really confused about whether I wanted to stay here with him or move back home with my family...this was when I lived with his parents (also why they opened up their home to me). His mother cried every night begging me not to go. My ultimate decision to stay was because of the love he and I had for each other but I could see that his parents are completely too attached to me.

Now I feel bad because I think I''ve painted him out to be a monster. He isn''t. A little immature and slightly bad with whacked out excuses yes...but a monster that would lead me on to believe one thing and do another...never.

 

[sklingem]

This does not sound very good/right. You don't "test the waters" four years after you start dating (although I do think that living together can be a good test)! And you certainly don't buy a HOUSE together if you are not d*mn sure about it!!! That is just pure BS. Sorry. In addition (and maybe this is not much help), buying a house together and setting a date for a wedding (if that is correct?) before getting engaged in the first place? I don't know.
This all seems to me like attempts to "make" a relationship by taking very serious steps, instead of laying a solid foundation before moving ahead. This is the time to seriously think about your relationship, what you want and what you can expect from him. And please don't make excuses for behavior that may be understandable, but in the end not acceptable. That is a big difference. These things have real consequences for YOU! As others have mentionned, you do not want to be in a position where, after countless years of waiting you are left "stranded". And at that time, there may be many "understandable" reasons for that too. But that will not be of much help/utility then.

 

[aliciagirl]

I think it''s offensive that he used the term "real relationship" to mean serious enough to want to marry you. Don''t most people spend a few years dating someone (in a very real relationship) and once they know they want to marry each other take the relationship to a new level - aka engagement? I don''t think it goes - boyfriend/girlfriend until you know you want to marry each other, "real relationship" once you decide they are the one, two more years of waiting for an engagement, engagement, marriage. That just seems odd to me.

And as a fellow LDR girl, I understand what it''s like to not spend a lot of time with your SO. But both my SO and I agree, it''s made our relationship better - not made us unsure about it since we "didn''t know each other." I''m sorry but it really sounds like he''s making excuses. I love my time in a LDR, granted I know it''s ending soon, but it REALLY taught us how to communicate. I mean, that''s all you get in an LDR. Talking and talking and getting to know each other.

I understand his point of view, wanting to get to know the everyday you, but it seems like it shouldn''t take two years for that to happen.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:52:39 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/10/2008 12:41:56 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
There is no logic, he is stalling. He dated you for 2 years before his mom knew about you? 1 year before you were his GF? Honey, he has serious commitment issues and you will be waiting a long time unless you both address them. You may be waiting years before he even begins to be serious, and even then he may not. You need a LONG talk about timelines so you are on the same page, because at the moment, you really aren''t.
I don''t mean to be harsh, but is you do a brief search through LIW, you will see how many women were in your place, waited years, and then had to leave because it was never going to happen; don''t let that happen to you.

I think I need to explain further about *him* I just didn''t want to write too much.

He is very close to his family...like extremely close. He was dating a girl for about 3 years when she cheated on him and then left him for the other guy. On top of him being devestated, his mother and father were both depressed. They had a daughter that passed away and were never able to have any more children. They grew attached to this girl as she was their own daughter and when she did what she did, it broke their hearts (this may sound weird but lets face it...when you marry someone, you also marry the family so they are bound to get emotionally attached in one way or another). After that he decided that he wasn''t going to bring home any other women until he was serious and he didn''t. The night I met his family and they found out it had been 2 years, they were shocked but they understood why he did that. And now that I''ve spent the past 4 with his family...I understand also. His mom and dad treat me like a daughter. He and I have never broken up ever, not even taken a break from each other but there was a period where I was really confused about whether I wanted to stay here with him or move back home with my family...this was when I lived with his parents (also why they opened up their home to me). His mother cried every night begging me not to go. My ultimate decision to stay was because of the love he and I had for each other but I could see that his parents are completely too attached to me.

Now I feel bad because I think I''ve painted him out to be a monster. He isn''t. A little immature and slightly bad with whacked out excuses yes...but a monster that would lead me on to believe one thing and do another...never.

Thats understandable why he was apprehensive to welcome you into the family, that makes sense to me.

However, I''m just wondering why this excuse even matters anymore? If you''re not worried about him leading you on, and you''re confident that he will propose soon, then it''s really water under the bridge right? I mean you''re on the same page now, and that''s all that matters I would imagine.

If you''re 100% sure he''s not a "monster" and he just is a little immature, then I wouldn''t even worry about what took him so long. I guess I''m just a bit concerned that you''re not 100% convinced that he is, in fact, ready to get married, and that''s why you''re analyzing this comment so closely.

So I guess heres my thing: If you''re confident and trust him 100% - then don''t worry about it!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:37:18 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Ask Gwendolyn if the years she spent in a LDR 'counted'

Hehe, I had the EXACT same thought.

I remember you posting that you had a date set, so if that's the case you probably don't have to worry about him "following through", but the one part that confused me is that you guys bought a house together 2 years ago. When you bought the house I assume you had many conversations about your compatibility, about being in the relationship for the long-haul, your goals, what buying the house meant...based on many years of a solid relationship. How can he possibly say that you two weren't in a "real" relationship until 1.5 years ago. That would mean he bought a home with you and lived with you in the home you owned together without feeling like he was in a "real" relationship for 6 months! How much more real can it get, you know?

I think you should try this on your one-year wedding anniversary--when he wishes you a happy anniversary say "No, hon, this isn't our anniversary. You see, I didn't feel like we were in a 'real' marriage until six months into the marriage, so we'll celebrate in 6 months, mmkay?" and see if he scratches his head. It doesn't make any sense.

ETA: Apparently I type about 100x slower than everybody here, so sorry about the redundancy of this post.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:54:50 PM
Author: rob09
This does not sound very good/right. You don't 'test the waters' four years after you start dating (although I do think that living together can be a good test)! And you certainly don't buy a HOUSE together if you are not d*mn sure about it!!! That is just pure BS. Sorry. In addition (and maybe this is not much help), buying a house together and setting a date for a wedding (if that is correct?) before getting engaged in the first place? I don't know.
This all seems to me like attempts to 'make' a relationship by taking very serious steps, instead of laying a solid foundation before moving ahead. This is the time to seriously think about your relationship, what you want and what you can expect from him. I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Yeah the house thing we kind of jumped on. The problem with *us* is that we never talked about marriage ever until this year. And when I say never, I mean not even kidding around. I went to weddings with him and never thought "that'll be me one day." We were sure about us but seriously marriage never crossed our minds and that was a mistake for sure...we should have at the very minimum talked about it before purchasing. That was a naive move on both of our parts. In November last year my best friend got engaged and even then I didn't think about it. It wasn't until January when my best friend was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (ie was planning on having children and found out during fertility treatments that she had cancer) that he approached me and said that he wanted to start talking about getting married and the possibility of having children. He felt that we were finally ready. Yeah...talking about it 2 years after buying a house, not a good idea at all. I became an obsessed lunatic because I figured that if we started talking about it in January then we would have been engaged by now. It was kind of like the whole engagement talk opened my eyes and kicked my biological clock into gear and now its all I think about.

I know it sounds like he's not committed. Yes he had major committment issues in the beginning...MAJOR...but trust me that we have worked through them. I think I just dropped the ball by forgetting the one thing my mother had taught me for so many years which is to get married before living together. It didn't even cross my mind...I think I was just intoxicated with the new home excitement...totally naive.

And yes we do have a wedding date set But I don't considered myself "engaged" until we have booked the location and plans are in motion.

My whole purpose of this thread really is because he was very "analytical" with his whole thought process and I wanted to make sure that I gave his reasoning a fair shot. I had the same reaction as everyone here where I thought it was a bunch of BS but I don't like jumping on an idea without getting some perspective on it. I like to take his feelings/concerns/thoughts into fair consideration before deciding he's just crazy

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:35:52 PM
Author: fieryred33143
My reaction was to give him that face and tell him to take out the trash.

Hee hee hee. I'd do that too.

Eta: Question-how old are both of you?
Also. BF and I started talking seriously about marriage almost 2 years ago. We first went e-ring shopping in February of 2007. I don't have a biological clock (mine is broken

) but I definitely know how you feel.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:37:18 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Ask Gwendolyn if the years she spent in a LDR 'counted'

And me as well. We went ahead and planned for marriage after living together for just three months, because while we weren't ready for marriage just then (and still easing into the idea) we knew that we had to plan ahead 2 years in advance and there was no question of them being 'the one'.

He and I had spent so much time talking about deeply personal beliefs, etc, that I knew him better than his last GF of 4 years, and he knew me better than any of my exes of any relationship duration had. This was in part BECAUSE of the distance; when you can't snuggle wordlessly on the couch, you talk about serious matters that normally take a year or more to come up in a face-to-face relationship.

So I don't buy it.


I don't want to offend you, but I think it's disrespectful of your BF to trivialize the years you two didn't live together. If he has commitment issues, that's fine but he needs to stand up and admit that's what they were, not dismiss the time you two spent in a committed relationship as not being a 'real' couple.

Perhaps he himself trivialized the relationship before you two lived together?

I hate to bring that up as a possibility, but it's one explanation for his 'logic'

ETA: Dang this thread moves fast! If you yourself hadn't even considered marriage until recently, it is unfair to get too ansty for being a LIW for that entire time, but this line about not being a 'real' couple until recently is bogus.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/10/2008 1:12:23 PM
Author: Galateia


I don't want to offend you, but I think it's disrespectful of your BF to trivialize the years you two didn't live together. If he has commitment issues, that's fine but he needs to stand up and admit that's what they were, not dismiss the time you two spent in a committed relationship as not being a 'real' couple.

Perhaps he himself trivialized the relationship before you two lived together?

I hate to bring that up as a possibility, but it's one explanation for his 'logic'

I agree. His biggest issue is that he's getting A LOT of crap from everyone in our lives, including his own family, for waiting for so long to formally propose. Before we started talking about it, no one said anything...no one wanted to butt in and I have been so happy in our relationship that everyone figured we were fine as we were. The minute he told his family that we were talking about marriage, thats when they started jumping on him. The recent (and probably why he came to this rationalization) was this weekend when I asked his father what he wanted to do for Father's Day and he went on and on about how I take better care of him than his own children (he's melodramatic) and it bruised my boyfriend's ego a bit.

On a side note, I just emailed him a link to this post. His exact words were:

"It's actually been six years and 2 months. I knew it was a stupid response, I'm surprised you didn't throw the remote at me. BTW, I like the ring that's on there."

I think he was refering to New England's ring.

Freke--I am 26, he is 29. I thought my clock was broken too but apparantely it only needed a password to start working: marriage. His big 3-0 bug hit him too. On top of wedding talks and LOADS of baby talks (if you think I'm obsessed with marriage...you should hear his obsession with babies), he's also all about health. For the past 3 years I've been trying to get him to change his habits...slowly getting him to eat wheat instead of white, red sauce instead of white, etc. Nothing. This year he went from eating like a 16 year old to taking a week off from work to get every single checkup under the sun. I think you'll all be happy to know that he still has 20/20 and colonoscopies are about as scary as they sound LMAO he's a nutbag but I still put up with him...I mean love him

 

[HollyS]

Playing the ''waiting game'' isn''t always the right thing to do. It was in my case. If you want to know frustration, let''s review my DH''s inability to commit: 1) took him about 18 mos to two years to really consider me a girlfriend, not someone he dated. 2) took him more than five years to feel that our relationship might be headed for ''forever''. 3) he "took a leap of faith" (his words, told to me only after we married) when he agreed it was time to plan our future and become engaged after twelve years.

By revealing that info, DH looks like a deadbeat creep. He isn''t; he believes marriage is ''til death do us part'' and he wanted to be sure I really did love and accept him. His first wife hadn''t. Now, he''s ridiculously happy being married; says so everyday. The point is: everyone is different. Everyone will know whether they should stay in a relationship, or not. I had twelve years to spend on a relationship that was actually great, just as it was. I was already 35 when we met, and did not feel a need to have children. I didn''t feel like I was in a race against time, for instance.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether he is taking it slow, stalling for time, or simply unable to commit. He''s been burned before; perhaps he could use some form of therapy. It helped my DH; he was seeing a woman who finally just looked at him and said "Imagine your life without her. Never seeing her again. Because if she leaves you, it will be permanent." I should have sent her a wedding invitation!

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:37:18 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Ask Gwendolyn if the years she spent in a LDR ''counted''

Big FAT Ditto!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/10/2008 1:23:56 PM
Author: fieryred33143

On a side note, I just emailed him a link to this post. His exact words were:

''It''s actually been six years and 2 months. I knew it was a stupid response, I''m surprised you didn''t throw the remote at me. BTW, I like the ring that''s on there.''

I think he was refering to New England''s ring.

Oh, well in that case he''s definitely a keeper!

In an ideal world everybody would go about marriage in a mature, logical, pragmatic manner with no mistakes or hiccups. In real life, however, we make mistakes. We don''t always know where we stand, we make decisions without thinking them through, we get sidetracked and confused about life. And sometimes we say things we don''t mean. If you guys have a date and you are ready to keep moving forward and are now openly communicating and know you''re on the same page, then that''s where you need to stay focused.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:37:18 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Ask Gwendolyn if the years she spent in a LDR 'counted'

Hah, if LDRs don't count, guess that means I'm not in a relationship, since J and I are still in one! Silly me, and I thought we've been dating for almost 4 years...

ETA: Off-topic, but I'm going up to see him tomorrow!!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/10/2008 1:23:56 PM
Author: fieryred33143
On a side note, I just emailed him a link to this post. His exact words were:


''It''s actually been six years and 2 months. I knew it was a stupid response, I''m surprised you didn''t throw the remote at me. BTW, I like the ring that''s on there.''


I think he was refering to New England''s ring.

Haha! Awesome.

Every now and then my guy says something outrageous like: "Woman, get in the kitchen. I ain''t gonna tell yer agin", and while I roll my eyes and give him a Write Your Will Now look, I know he''s joking but he''s always surprised he doesn''t get something thrown at his head.

(For the record, he''s the one that cooks, so I don''t actually go in the kitchen

)

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/10/2008 2:11:05 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 6/10/2008 1:23:56 PM

Author: fieryred33143

On a side note, I just emailed him a link to this post. His exact words were:

''It''s actually been six years and 2 months. I knew it was a stupid response, I''m surprised you didn''t throw the remote at me. BTW, I like the ring that''s on there.''

I think he was refering to New England''s ring.

Haha! Awesome.

Every now and then my guy says something outrageous like: ''Woman, get in the kitchen. I ain''t gonna tell yer agin'', and while I roll my eyes and give him a Write Your Will Now look, I know he''s joking but he''s always surprised he doesn''t get something thrown at his head.

(For the record, he''s the one that cooks, so I don''t actually go in the kitchen

)

You guys are cracking me up.

 

[trillionaire]

Having been in an All-Too-Real LDR for the past 4 out of 5 years, I do think that discounting that time is a bit crazy, BUT, I very much want to live in the same place as my SO for a while before thinking about marriage. There is a lot to be said about the ability to manage separate lives, and the ability to manage a local relationship, and all of the issues of how do we balance and share our space, time, etc.

It sounds to me, that even though this has been a long road, that he is committed and wants to marry you (HE mentioned marriage first), so the only real issue is communication. He moved in to test the waters, but you didn''t. He brought up marriage first, and now you really want an engagement soon, and despite talking about a wedding date. It seems that you just have fundamentally different ways of viewing situations (which is not at all uncommon in relationships, lol!), so that is what you need to work on. You will ALWAYS be able to find women who see things your way, because we think more similarly to each other than we do to guys, most of the time. (I encounter this with my SO ALL the time) If you talk to him, however, you can sort out the differences. Talk to him. You aren''t dating any of the PSers, so vent here, and do the hard work at home

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/10/2008 2:11:05 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 6/10/2008 1:23:56 PM
Author: fieryred33143
On a side note, I just emailed him a link to this post. His exact words were:


''It''s actually been six years and 2 months. I knew it was a stupid response, I''m surprised you didn''t throw the remote at me. BTW, I like the ring that''s on there.''


I think he was refering to New England''s ring.

Haha! Awesome.

Every now and then my guy says something outrageous like: ''Woman, get in the kitchen. I ain''t gonna tell yer agin'', and while I roll my eyes and give him a Write Your Will Now look, I know he''s joking but he''s always surprised he doesn''t get something thrown at his head.

(For the record, he''s the one that cooks, so I don''t actually go in the kitchen

)

He kind of spits randoms stuff out every once in a while. He tried to explain to me once that he couldn''t go throw out the trash during the day becasue I don''t shred our credit card documents properly so its more likely that someone can see our information during they day than at night. And I''m going...yeah, but we have black garbage bags so how does that even make sense? And he''ll say I don''t know what I"m talking about, lets barbecue or lets go to Ikea. He just says something in his mind, decides yup that''s right and goes with it.
I think its always hard conveying certain things on forums. You want to express your frustration with something without getting defensive...which I have noticed myself doing on here a lot because I initially don''t explain myself well enough. I have a lot of growing up to do but I''m getting there...slowly.

 

[surfgirl]

So far all I''m getting is that you make a lot of excuses for someone who sounds like a control freak, who doesn''t take you seriously (dismissing your question about throwing out garbage and then changing the subject - I assume this happens often or you wouldn''t mention it). Dont even get me started on the bizarre co-dependent relationship that his parents appear to have with you. His mother cried and begged you not to leave her son? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Does that seem like normal behavior to you? And to top it off, he doesn''t consider all the years you''ve been a couple "real" until the last 1.5? WTF?!?

If this was me, I''d be long gone by now.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/10/2008 3:36:28 PM
Author: surfgirl
So far all I''m getting is that you make a lot of excuses for someone who sounds like a control freak, who doesn''t take you seriously (dismissing your question about throwing out garbage and then changing the subject - I assume this happens often or you wouldn''t mention it). Dont even get me started on the bizarre co-dependent relationship that his parents appear to have with you. His mother cried and begged you not to leave her son? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Does that seem like normal behavior to you? And to top it off, he doesn''t consider all the years you''ve been a couple ''real'' until the last 1.5? WTF?!?

If this was me, I''d be long gone by now.

Surfgirl...I''m sorry I gave you that impression. He''s not. As I said before, its hard to convey two people''s personalities and 6 years worth of experiences in a forum. His mother did not cry and beg me not to leave her son. She didn''t want me to leave the city.

Normally I love the comments I get on here because they are super enlightening and one of the reasons why I post on here so much. It''s a huge smack in the face for me and a total wake up call. But your comment seemed to be a lot of assumptions and quite frankly very ignorant. I have read your posts on here before and you seem very intelligent enough to me to understand that you can''t culminate 6 years in 100 words.

It''s a good thing its *not* you.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/10/2008 2:24:40 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/10/2008 2:11:05 PM

Author: Galateia

Date: 6/10/2008 1:23:56 PM

Author: fieryred33143

On a side note, I just emailed him a link to this post. His exact words were:



'It's actually been six years and 2 months. I knew it was a stupid response, I'm surprised you didn't throw the remote at me. BTW, I like the ring that's on there.'



I think he was refering to New England's ring.

Haha! Awesome.


Every now and then my guy says something outrageous like: 'Woman, get in the kitchen. I ain't gonna tell yer agin', and while I roll my eyes and give him a Write Your Will Now look, I know he's joking but he's always surprised he doesn't get something thrown at his head.


(For the record, he's the one that cooks, so I don't actually go in the kitchen

)

He kind of spits randoms stuff out every once in a while. He tried to explain to me once that he couldn't go throw out the trash during the day becasue I don't shred our credit card documents properly so its more likely that someone can see our information during they day than at night. And I'm going...yeah, but we have black garbage bags so how does that even make sense? And he'll say I don't know what I'm talking about, lets barbecue or lets go to Ikea. He just says something in his mind, decides yup that's right and goes with it.

I think its always hard conveying certain things on forums. You want to express your frustration with something without getting defensive...which I have noticed myself doing on here a lot because I initially don't explain myself well enough. I have a lot of growing up to do but I'm getting there...slowly.

Hilarious. Never mind that either option would require untying the bags, and if someone was untying your bags at night and fishing through them for your CC info, I'd bet they'd have a flashlight with them ...

I know, it's hard to convey all the necessary information needed to avoid huge gaps without writing a giant book of a post that's hard for people to read. Then when you need to add missing information, you can't edit your old posts anymore and the updated info gets lost in the shuffle.

I took an interesting psych profiling test recently at the suggestion of my guy (who is a psychologist) and the results identified that I often repeat myself when communicating not because I doubt the intelligence of the listener but because I fear that I haven't made myself clear enough to be understood. I'm always concerned when I post that I've managed to make no sense at all and people just ignore me!

Suddenly, your comment earlier about telling him to throw out the trash gains new meaning ...

Edited since surfgirl's post: That was unnecessarily harsh. Her boyfriend understands that his comment was stupid and deserved a well-flung object, and clearly this situation is more complex than just a LIW for 6 years whose boyfriend is dragging his feet.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hm.

My long distance was a bit different from most of yours in that it was BFE long distance. LA to Oz. Most of the time we weren't even in the same calendar DAY, much less same time zone.

We did LDR for 2.5 years. I agree that it was a time of wonderful "communication" (I'll expand on why I put that word in quotes in just a sec) and getting to know each other. However I had a really hard time calling him my boyfriend and vice versa re: girlfriend. I felt stupid calling someone my boyfriend when I had only seen him 3 times in 2 years, minus the 7 weeks we spent 24/7 with each other in Europe. It was only at the very tail end of the LDR when we used those labels and that was only because he was set in stone to uproot himself and move here.

Well, when he DID move here, I realized we spent those two years not "communicating" but TALKING. Talked talked talked. A lot about our lives, our views, ourselves, yes, but it was TALK. When he moved in was when we had to learn how to communicate with one another and we are STILL learning how to do that.

Anyway, my point is, while LDR was an important part of our relationship and laid a foundation, that foundation was actually a lot shakier than I realized. We didn't start cementing this relationship and hit the ground running until he moved here. Therefore in my mind, our "real" relationship didn't start until then either. I'm not negating our LDR...that would be silly. But it moved to a different and much more serious phase when we lived together. If that is what your BF is trying to say, then I understand it.

I do get why the LDR women here scoff at his reasoning...being in a LDR means years of pretty much torture! To say that means nothing, or not much, is hurtful. But as another poster said, managing a local relationship is something different altogether (Galateia, I think you're about to experience this firsthand

), and how that is managed will make or break the relationship. Sure, it's great to meet someone with the same views on religion, politics, etc...but that won't sustain a relationship. How you handle your domestic life and communicate within the household WILL. If that wasn't the case, then more couples should have successful marriages as they get together because they have "a lot in common", and many couples who differ on those fundamental philosophies should divorce.