Does he have to love the ring?

[geckodani]

Date: 10/8/2008 7:53:41 PM
Author: somehowcollide
Ladies, thank you so much for your thoughtful replies, they''ve really got me thinking. I am not surprised to hear that the process was quite unique for each couple..


geckodani, I kind of want you to never set the stone ''cause it looks so awesome next to the gecko in your avatar!! I can''t believe it took you THREE YEARS! I have been following your story, and I love happy endings

. In your case, it certainly seems like the buck ends with you. Which is how it seems for most couples. I''m not sure where the buck ends in our situation.. Probably with me, but I am not ready to exert that authority. I guess a part of me will not be happy unless HE is happy too. But, as you said, what''s most important is that we respect one another''s thoughts and opinions and we''ve been pretty good about that!

LOL! Well, in my defense, I only really started looking about a year ago.....

Thanks for the compliment on my avatar. I''m rather fond of it myself!

You''ll find a balance between the two of you, I''m sure of it.

 

[geckodani]

And so of course I now feel the need to fuss with my avatar, LOL!

ETA: And promptly put it back, LOL.

 

[Rhea]

I haven''t read the other responses.

When we picked our engagement rings he had a lot of say. I wanted an art deco look, he liked simple. We ended up with a classic round with tapered side baguettes. What really upset me was when he picked his own engagement ring, not taking my preferences into account, and seemed to think that was normal. I ended up with a comprise engagement ring and he got exactly what he wanted. I didn''t make that mistake again when picking a wedding band. Or when I inhertied an engagement ring about three months ago that I now wear instead of my own

I think it''s easy to make the mistake of thinking that the partner''s opinion is important, but frankly, it''s not. I wouldn''t buy something that he "hated" but I''m the one who wears the ring everyday. I like it when DH tells me what looks good on me for any item I wear, but I wouldn''t let him pick my shoes or handbag past "hon, I like these four but can''t decide between them, please help me decide."

 

[kcoursolle]

My DH wasn''t very involved at all, I picked it out. That was important to me though because I''M the one wearing it. He picked out the style of his wedding band too. However, this arrangement was FINE with him. If he is not fine with you picking things out then maybe it''s best to arrive at some sort of compromise in styles.

 

[somehowcollide]

LaraOnline why don't you just get your man a PS account? Once he says what a hot commodity you are on here, he'll have to up the ante

*bee sounds like our guys are two peas in a pod! A very well designed, structurally secure pod, that is... FI hasn't gotten crazy about the wedding details yet, BUT we aren't that deep into planning, at least now I know what to expect. Before we started dating a friend and I were joking about my-FI-to-be, we said we could never date a guy like him because he notices everything. Stuff like, "you've got food in your teeth" or "when did you get that pimple?" Lo and behold, I decide to marry him and subject myself to that behavior for the rest of my life! Ha! I actually don't take it personally at all, he's very loving and doesn't mean any harm or to insult.

About the shoes, you'll have to send them over to me for thorough inspection

Thank you for the sweet compliments about my Marquise, vespergirl . I have a bit of a complex about it because some people have said that the cut is "dated." I didn't know all that when I bought it, I just really loved the shape and thought it was sooo flattering. It also has amazing clarity (VVS2!) so it's absolutely enchanting when it's clean.

Speaking of sidestones, and I thank you for your suggestion, I AM thinking about doing sidestones. Probably half moons though. FI doesn't like the half moons, and that is part of our compromise. I think ovals are made to be complimented by sidestones. Such a graceful looking shape...

BTW! I saw your original asscher in another thread. I have to say, it was stunning! I feel like I could stare into it for hours. However, when you posted your round solitaire right after it, well, there's no comparison. I think you absolutely made the right decision in going back to a round. As beautiful as the asscher stone was, your round is much more flattering, particularly in the solitaire setting. It also helps that it looks HUGE on your hands

!! Thanks for all your input!!

Hehe, Kelli, I like your story. Short and sweet! Was there any protest on his part? Did he give up on wanting side stones once you said you didn't want any? I'm glad you have a ring that makes swoooooooooooon!

geckodani if you permanently changed your avatar pic, I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one to chastise you! It's soo cute! A year to decide on a setting is better than three years, but not by too much hehe

. Thank you for your vote of confidence. All you girls rooting for me really helps.

Addy you've definitely given me a lot to think about. I've been thinking about FI's wedding band, and he didn't really take my suggestions into account. He sort of designed and developed it himself. On the other hand, I LOVED what he designed and was totally okay with all of it. But what if I didn't love it..? Interesting that you compare shoes to a handbag, or any other accessory. In many ways, it is just that. However, even when it comes to my expensive accessories (like designer bags, or shoes) FI is always part of the buying process. Likewise, I participate in choosing all of his big ticket items. More to think about I suppose!

kcoursolle your ring is so pretty how could hubby NOT like it? I really love your band too. I'm glad you have it as your avatar, because I want one like it for an anniversary someday, and your pic is a good reminder! But you're right about the compromise. That's what we're hoping to do. I'm just worried about what this crazy, hybrid ring will end up looking like!

 

[iheartscience]

Maybe instead of getting a crazy hybrid ring made just try to find a different style you both like?

You''re a trooper, somehowcollide...I would be like "Back up off my bling, alright?!" at this point!

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 10/8/2008 4:16:10 AM
Author:somehowcollide
Fiance and I just *cannot* seem to agree upon how to set my oval center stone. We''ve come up with a compromise, of sorts, but it will have to be custom made. This design will combine an element that I love, with an element that he loves. But it''s kind of like this; just because I love peanut butter and he loves pickles, doesn''t mean that a peanut butter and pickle sandwich will taste good, yanno?

We''ve tried on tons of rings and styles and we simply have different preferences. In his defense, he is sticking to an original design that we BOTH liked when we initially started to try on rings. I, on the other hand, have changed my mind multiple times after finding this site (admittedly, my new preference leans towards BIGGER and BLINGIER!)

So my question to you is, how involved was your SO other in choosing your e-ring center stone and setting? Who did the buck end with? And really, truly, how much does his opinion matter?

Okay ...interesting thread...i have an answer that may seem strange but it comes from my years of experiance and observation selling jewelry and being a private consultant to eng.ring shoppers...The ring shopping experiance says alot about the relationship...there is money,se*, who wears the pants in the relationship and control issues that come out as the experiance unfolds...men traditionally deal with the purse strings and quality control and women traditionally are responsible for style and design.Ive seen in a few cases where some men try to strong arm their opinions about the ring as a way of showing control in the relationship because it is tied to their money and because they are paying they expect that their opinion matters over the partners...(somewhat like a parent who uses money as a weapon with a child)....some people alway need to be right...im not saying that this is your relationship but ive observed this with couples more then a few time over the years....most times the guy knows when to take a back seat to his bride and let her make the ultimate decision about her ring and what she wants to represent the relationship.To be fair ive seen women who try to control the realtionship by belittling or de masculating her future husband telling him and the people around them that his choice of mens bands are ugly and that he has no taste(doing this in front of me )...there are several men who have better taste then their future bride and there are times that i want to tell a future bride or groom to run and never look back because its easy to see that they shouldnt be together...ive worked at several jewelry stores where we regularly take bets on how long the ring will stay out of the store before being returned.Most times we are correct.People would be floored at some of the things that happen or are said when a couple are looking at e-rings.

 

[somehowcollide]

Oooh mamma, it's getting hot in here

First off thing2of2 I am the model of patience and prudence

I don't think there IS a ready made setting that we both like. Here's the thing, he really wants me to have the three band look, with rose/pink in the middle a'la Simon G

And of course I want what every girl who has an oval wants-Kaleigh's ring!

So we're going to the do the oval, with the half moons AND the three bands. It will either be a huge winner or epic fail.


jewelerman thanks for analyzing the psyche behind this. I've been doing this myself. I'm wondering if there is a deeper issue here. Fortunately, it is not budget related or control of purse strings, as you put it. I would be happy with the half moon sidestones and a thin, plain, WG shank, but it's FI who is insisting on the more ornate three bands (he really wants them eternity, too!) and the rose gold with pink diamonds. The first day we went ring shopping he saw it on my hand and knew it was *the one*. There were some changes he wanted to make, so he went home that day and created an excel spreadsheet with the parameters as well as some rough graphics to illustrate the design. Yeah, he's crazy. The thing is, if I put my foot down and say "NO! I want it my way!" I'll definitely get what I want. But at what price? I don't think I could ever love a ring, if I thought he didn't love it as much as me. Fortunately, we are compromising, and I think there's no way to back out now. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have one of those men who said, "Carte blanche honey, do what you like! I don't care about jewelry anyway!"

JewelerMan, you're a man who knows about and, I assume, enjoys jewelry, what would you do?? (My fiance also knows a great deal about jewelry and his family is in the business). If you really loved a style/setting and knew it would look great on your woman would you try to get her to love it too? Or would you be content with what she chose, even if you were against it?

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 10/10/2008 1:59:04 AM
Author: somehowcollide
Oooh mamma, it''s getting hot in here

First off thing2of2 I am the model of patience and prudence

I don''t think there IS a ready made setting that we both like. Here''s the thing, he really wants me to have the three band look, with rose/pink in the middle a''la Simon G

And of course I want what every girl who has an oval wants-Kaleigh''s ring!

So we''re going to the do the oval, with the half moons AND the three bands. It will either be a huge winner or epic fail.


jewelerman thanks for analyzing the psyche behind this. I''ve been doing this myself. I''m wondering if there is a deeper issue here. Fortunately, it is not budget related or control of purse strings, as you put it. I would be happy with the half moon sidestones and a thin, plain, WG shank, but it''s FI who is insisting on the more ornate three bands (he really wants them eternity, too!) and the rose gold with pink diamonds. The first day we went ring shopping he saw it on my hand and knew it was *the one*. There were some changes he wanted to make, so he went home that day and created an excel spreadsheet with the parameters as well as some rough graphics to illustrate the design. Yeah, he''s crazy. The thing is, if I put my foot down and say ''NO! I want it my way!'' I''ll definitely get what I want. But at what price? I don''t think I could ever love a ring, if I thought he didn''t love it as much as me. Fortunately, we are compromising, and I think there''s no way to back out now. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have one of those men who said, ''Carte blanche honey, do what you like! I don''t care about jewelry anyway!''

JewelerMan, you''re a man who knows about and, I assume, enjoys jewelry, what would you do?? (My fiance also knows a great deal about jewelry and his family is in the business). If you really loved a style/setting and knew it would look great on your woman would you try to get her to love it too? Or would you be content with what she chose, even if you were against it?

SO...His family is in trade....i now can see why its important to make sure the ring is perfect...his ability and proof to know what hes doing is riding on this one choice...spreed sheets and graphics...wow hes going to make sure there is no way there is a mistake made...if i had to make a choice...the classic center oval(one of my favorite shapes)with side diamonds is the most simple and classic of all settings...when bands fit snug against the sides then its still makes a great look...i would and have let my ex girl friends choose their own style jewelry...however they knew that giving my own 2 cents was important to me.But ultimately it is their choice because they have to wear it and its their jewelry...i had complete control when picking out my own wedding ring...1920s platinum cartier 1 1/2 oval sapphire with half carat oval diamonds on the sides for dress up...and plain 6mm yellow band for day time.

 

[somehowcollide]

Date: 10/10/2008 2:42:40 AM
Author: jewelerman
SO...His family is in trade....i now can see why its important to make sure the ring is perfect...his ability and proof to know what hes doing is riding on this one choice...spreed sheets and graphics...wow hes going to make sure there is no way there is a mistake made...if i had to make a choice...the classic center oval(one of my favorite shapes)with side diamonds is the most simple and classic of all settings...when bands fit snug against the sides then its still makes a great look...i would and have let my ex girl friends choose their own style jewelry...however they knew that giving my own 2 cents was important to me.But ultimately it is their choice because they have to wear it and its their jewelry...i had complete control when picking out my own wedding ring...1920s platinum cartier 1 1/2 oval sapphire with half carat oval diamonds on the sides for dress up...and plain 6mm yellow band for day time.

Yippee, seems like I got the jewelerman stamp of approval! I can''t even begin to visualize the amazing ring that you''ve described as your own. I scanned through your threads, and I couldn''t find a thread dedicated to it either. Thank you for your expert insight and thoughtful responses, jewelerman I really do enjoy this community very much!!

 

[Black Jade]

It sounds as if I''m in the minority here but I would care very much if my husband didn''t like my engagement ring.

I think his feelings are EXTREMELY important. I don''t wear clothes or hairstyles either that he dislikes. I don''t cook food that he doesn''t like.

And he does the same for me. When I met him he had a beard. Then he shaved it off because of work. I told him I really prefer men with beards, and he always grew a beard when he had vacations and now that he works at home a lot, he''s grown a beard again (although he isn''t crazy about it now that he''s grey) simply because I like it. I have a warm feeling every time I look at his beard and think how much he cares for me.

A lot of being married (I''ve been married 25 years and in the same relationship 7 years before that) is about carring about your husband or wife''s feelings more than your own. Once somebody told me that marriage isn''t 50-50--It''s both partners giving 100%. And being willing to give in to the other person, and NEVER calculating or adding up how much they are doing for you in return.

It sounds like you are having a huge standoff about this ring, which is really just a THING and a SYMBOL and as if it''s not really about the ring, but about getting exactly what YOU want, which is not a good way to be thinking as you go into marriage. My advice would be to back off the subject for a bit and remember what you really care about, which is EACH OTHER. A huge red flag to me is the fact that you say that he still likes the original ring that you both picked out and that you used to like also, until you looked on this site and saw what else was out there. There''s always something else out there. THe grass is always greener and there''s always a new style or fashion, too. Don''t let yourself get swept up into that, keep your focus on the person you love and on pleasing him. Is it more important to have the ''perfect'' ring or a loving relationship? You don''t want your husband looking at the $30,000 on your finger for the next 40 or 50 years and remembering each time that you didn''t care to consider his feelings about it and thinking that you don''t care about HIM.


just my $.02

 

[Black Jade]

Date: 10/10/2008 1:59:04 AM
Author: somehowcollide
Oooh mamma, it''s getting hot in here

First off thing2of2 I am the model of patience and prudence

I don''t think there IS a ready made setting that we both like. Here''s the thing, he really wants me to have the three band look, with rose/pink in the middle a''la Simon G

And of course I want what every girl who has an oval wants-Kaleigh''s ring!

So we''re going to the do the oval, with the half moons AND the three bands. It will either be a huge winner or epic fail.


jewelerman thanks for analyzing the psyche behind this. I''ve been doing this myself. I''m wondering if there is a deeper issue here. Fortunately, it is not budget related or control of purse strings, as you put it. I would be happy with the half moon sidestones and a thin, plain, WG shank, but it''s FI who is insisting on the more ornate three bands (he really wants them eternity, too!) and the rose gold with pink diamonds. The first day we went ring shopping he saw it on my hand and knew it was *the one*. There were some changes he wanted to make, so he went home that day and created an excel spreadsheet with the parameters as well as some rough graphics to illustrate the design. Yeah, he''s crazy. The thing is, if I put my foot down and say ''NO! I want it my way!'' I''ll definitely get what I want. But at what price? I don''t think I could ever love a ring, if I thought he didn''t love it as much as me. Fortunately, we are compromising, and I think there''s no way to back out now. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have one of those men who said, ''Carte blanche honey, do what you like! I don''t care about jewelry anyway!''

JewelerMan, you''re a man who knows about and, I assume, enjoys jewelry, what would you do?? (My fiance also knows a great deal about jewelry and his family is in the business). If you really loved a style/setting and knew it would look great on your woman would you try to get her to love it too? Or would you be content with what she chose, even if you were against it?

Should have read this carefully before I posted!
I see you ARE compromising and you do care what he wants. Sorry for lecturing. Best to you. Both are pretty rings.

 

[somehowcollide]

Date: 10/10/2008 8:48:45 AM
Author: Black Jade
It sounds as if I''m in the minority here but I would care very much if my husband didn''t like my engagement ring.


I think his feelings are EXTREMELY important. I don''t wear clothes or hairstyles either that he dislikes. I don''t cook food that he doesn''t like.


And he does the same for me. When I met him he had a beard. Then he shaved it off because of work. I told him I really prefer men with beards, and he always grew a beard when he had vacations and now that he works at home a lot, he''s grown a beard again (although he isn''t crazy about it now that he''s grey) simply because I like it. I have a warm feeling every time I look at his beard and think how much he cares for me.


A lot of being married (I''ve been married 25 years and in the same relationship 7 years before that) is about carring about your husband or wife''s feelings more than your own. Once somebody told me that marriage isn''t 50-50--It''s both partners giving 100%. And being willing to give in to the other person, and NEVER calculating or adding up how much they are doing for you in return.


It sounds like you are having a huge standoff about this ring, which is really just a THING and a SYMBOL and as if it''s not really about the ring, but about getting exactly what YOU want, which is not a good way to be thinking as you go into marriage. My advice would be to back off the subject for a bit and remember what you really care about, which is EACH OTHER. A huge red flag to me is the fact that you say that he still likes the original ring that you both picked out and that you used to like also, until you looked on this site and saw what else was out there. There''s always something else out there. THe grass is always greener and there''s always a new style or fashion, too. Don''t let yourself get swept up into that, keep your focus on the person you love and on pleasing him. Is it more important to have the ''perfect'' ring or a loving relationship? You don''t want your husband looking at the $30,000 on your finger for the next 40 or 50 years and remembering each time that you didn''t care to consider his feelings about it and thinking that you don''t care about HIM.



just my $.02

Hi Black Jade

I''m so happy you stopped in and posted! I think your perspective is very unique and valuable. Earlier in the thread (and, no, I don''t expect you to go back and read ALL of it!) I said " His loving or appreciating something makes ME love it and appreciate it more." I know you went back and apologized for your "lecture," but there was a lot to learn from you what you said.

As a modern woman who has just sort of stepped into adulthood, I struggle with maintaining my independence while still respecting my husband-to-be''s role in my life. Part of the struggle with the ring dilemma is just that; am I giving-in or being submissive by settling for less than what I want? You''ve reminded me of just what it means to be in a marriage. This is just the first of many compromises. I honestly find more beauty and happiness in anything that my darling FI does and that of course, is worth more than any ring mounting I could ever imagine.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 10/9/2008 11:50:59 PM
Author: somehowcollide
LaraOnline why don''t you just get your man a PS account? Once he says what a hot commodity you are on here, he''ll have to up the ante

OMG girl you are a CLASSIC!!!

I actually told him you had given me an awesome wrap.
You''ll never guess what happened....
He rolled his eyes and shot back:'' Oh, it''s just some guy that wants to - censored - ''
He is soooo jealous!!

Wait - that little story makes my man sound a bit dodgy, doesn''t it...-

ah well, I guess I''ve already told everybody about the boat!

 

[LaraOnline]

Jewelerman, your story was incredibly interesting.
I have often thought that it would be an interesting insight into human nature, dealing with engaged couples and selling engagement rings.
Now I know!

Also, your story prompts me to mention to somehowcollide that when my man picked his wedding ring, I was completely surprised! Being two-tone, with a few melee, it was a bit flashier than the sort of thing I was expecting from him. Also, the inner whie gold section twirled!

So, it is important to get collaboration, isn't it! Because you never can guess what the person will really like.
Whenever I hear stories on PS about guys doing ALL the work - although I guess in this case it's a little different because he's in the industry, so he some idea about aesthetics - I kinda worry... a man I'd sort of gotten over once presented me with an engagement ring. It was a complete surprise. I didn't like it at all. I wonder if I would have given him a better chance if he had let me in on his secret?

Ah well, I guess in that case, I'm glad he didn't!

somehow collide, I think you are in pretty good hands. Those rings you've shortlisted are really great... I love the three band idea - so glam!! I think it's gonna be awesome!

ETA: downer alert! Those micro pave might be a little high maintenance (I hear). But if he's in the trade, who cares?!!

Lucky girl!

 

[Tuckins1]

Just wanted to say that your idea of the oval with half moons and two bands sounds lovely!

 

[diamondringlover]

Interesting question, my husband has awful taste in jewelry, however, every piece he chooses he does so with his heart

with that being said for some reason he feels he must be involved and if he had it his way he would choose everything, to date he has picked out all my jewerly and gave it to me for special holidays like Christmas, well now I want a new wedding band for our 25th anniversay and while I will listen to what he likes and doesnt like the ultimate decision will be mine, because I think after 25 years its time for ME to choose what I want

 

[somehowcollide]

LOL LaraOnline! Gottta love your guy, he''s absolutely classic. How CUTE that''s he''s so blatantly jealous. I betcha he''ll bring it up again!! I think I''d love to be a fly on your wall. Between your straight shooting sensibilities and wry sarcasm, I suppose there is very little left for him to say! I''m actually surprised that the man from the boat story is the same man who would choose a two tone, melee, twirling ring!

Oh, and I also like how you casually mentioned this proposal with a custom ring. Even better is how you''re over him "...once he presented me with an engagement ring." HA! How convenient is that!

I appreciate your vote of confidence with the setting. I''m also really worried about the melee stones falling out, even though he has jewelry connects, I don''t wanna be fishing through the ultra-sonic for loose 2 pointers, yanno?

Tuckins1 Do you really think it will look good? It was awfully nice of you to come in here and share your thoughts. I''m so worried about how it will turn out that positive comments are a real confidence booster!

Awwwww, diamondrnglover, what a cute story. You guys are in L-O-V-E! Haha, honestly, its always nice to hear stories like that, with the overzealous men. As territorial and picky as we are with our jewelry, nothing is more cherished than a gift given by the man you love!

 

[LaraOnline]

haha collide, (and I know we're off topic here) but he's not nearly as bad as I make him out to be! I love to tease him... he's an awesome husband, and I truly love him more every day! (I never knew whether to believe married people when they said that...)
I think his humour has rubbed off on me, actually.
I would go with the micropave, it's not likely to be a significant expense to replace, even if a little diamond or two falls out every couple of years. And if it drives you nuts, you could redo the shanks, I guess.
So I vote pave!
PS I probably should say - that in real life, his poor boat is only a tinny!

 

[somehowcollide]

Date: 10/12/2008 9:36:22 AM
Author: LaraOnline
haha collide, (and I know we''re off topic here) but he''s not nearly as bad as I make him out to be! I love to tease him... he''s an awesome husband, and I truly love him more every day! (I never knew whether to believe married people when they said that...)

I think his humour has rubbed off on me, actually.

I would go with the micropave, it''s not likely to be a significant expense to replace, even if a little diamond or two falls out every couple of years. And if it drives you nuts, you could redo the shanks, I guess.

So I vote pave!

PS I probably should say - that in real life, his poor boat is only a tinny!

You know Lara, one thing I''ve noticed in all your talk about him is that you two seem to share a lot of love and mutual affection. I imagine that he''s very funny as well. I really enjoy hearing your stories, they are genuine and poignant the type of stuff that I often think about but am too chicken to post!

I think we will end up with the micropave! I feel more confident about it now. Thanks for your suggestions and support!

 

[arjunajane]

Hey SHC,
I know you have pretty much decided, but thought I''d add my 2c anyway

I actually really like your "joint" idea of the 3 stone with the eternity bands - though I could never pull this off, as I have short hands, one thing to think about?
Also, will the bands be able to sit flush with the oval 3 stone? (I''m sure your guy has addressed this, lol !).
As to me story, we chose together, but ultimately Fi wanted me to have whatever made me happy.
I chose a RB 3 stone in WG.
3 years later, I have an RB solitaire in YG - incidentally, the ring that Fi wanted me to have from the start.. He doesn''t have a really strong opinion about my jewellery, but sometimes they know better than we give them credit for, right?