Does or had your wedding planning experience made you well.. judgemental?

[Gypsy]

I fully admit that it has for me. Not that I''m proud of it. But it''s a fact.

For example. We are attending a wedding NYE in Long Island, NY.

When we were first told the B&G made it sound like the reception was at the Marriot where they had reserved room blocks, so that everyone would be able to just go up to their rooms when the wedding was over (at 2:00 am they got an extension).

Get the invitation and find out that the church is close to the hotel (5 miles) but that the reception is in Timbucktu, 14 WINDING miles from the hotel on a one lane road with no street lights with a speed limit of 30 mph.

No shuttles provided. On NYE when the cops are out in full force and the wedding ends at 2:00 am.

I have to say I was very surprised and well, thought this was very thoughtless planning on the part of the B&G.

For me, it would be more important to have my guests provided with a shuttle starting at midnight to the hotel than to spend $$ on some of the (in my opinion) frivilous things they decided to spend the $$ on. So...

Has it made you more judgemental.

 

[CaliCushion]

I am having my ceremony and reception at a hotel, where all the guests are welcome to stay. I too have been to many weddings that did not seem to have been planned at all--last summer, FI''s friend had a ceremony at a church at 3pm and a reception at a venue an hour away at 6pm. No one lived in the immediate area of the ceremony of reception (meaning no one could go home between the two events). No transporation was provided, no activity for out of town guests between the ceremony and reception, nothing. I thought it was so unthoughtful and vowed never to do anything like that at my wedding!

 

[karasue91]

Hahaha in short, yes. FI went to a wedding recently where there were no assigned seats, everyone just fended for themselves. Not the same caliber as the wedding you are talking about, but I still think kind of inconsiderate. He and a few others sat down at a table with a family of 3 and were having a nice time talking to these people. Then one of his other friends who was in the wedding told him and his friends to come sit at a table closer to the head table so they could talk. But the family of 3 was not invited, so they were just supposed to leave these people sitting there by themselves. FI being the courteous man that he is, politely declined the invitation from his friend to change tables. But these are the kind of awkward moments that could be avoided with a seating chart. Seating chart is definitely higher on my list of priorities now!!

The wedding you are talking about really does sound like either a huge oversight or a case of just falling in love with the reception venue and deciding to not care as much what the guests think. Personally, I think having a wedding on any major holiday is a bit inconsiiderate (unless it's a small wedding with just close friends and family), but asking people to spend NYE with you at your wedding - and then asking them to stay SOBER?? that's just rude.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Oooh, Gypsy, I think you've brought up a good topic. I think the first time one goes through the act oneself of orchestrating a large celebration (like planning a wedding), one can never look at a large catered party the same way. I think up until that point, you are still able to approach parties as they come; but once YOU have been the one who spent countless hours and great effort to plan every contingency yet make it look effortless, you are able to easily spot in the future when your hosts... slacked off.

In a way, planning one's own wedding is kind of like when Toto pulls back the curtain on the wizard in the Wizard of Oz. Rather than being amazed by the spectacle as it unfolds, you're more aware of the levers that are being pulled... and when levers that should have been pulled haven't.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Yes, haha. My wedding was really small and non-traditional, so I can''t really compare it to large, traditional weddings, BUT I was really annoyed with people who were married (and had thus gone through this) and didn''t get their RSVPs to me. It''s like I held married guests to higher standards than unmarried guests because "they should know better", haha.

Now that the wedding is behind me, I think I will have a new appreciation for weddings I attend in the future.

 

[sumbride]

If anything I think it has made me LESS judgemental... because now I know what it takes and how many people demand that you please them and how many people have an opinion... so unless it's truly a horrible horrible thing, for me it's more of a case of "well, that's how they wanted to do it".

We did a lot of unusual things at our wedding because WE wanted to that may have been a bit unusual for our guests, but were important to us. An example... we refused to cut the cake as SOON as we entered the reception! Our wedding planner demanded we do this. We refused. My mom was upset that some people (the older people) left before the cake was cut. In the end, we had just enough cake so if we'd done it earlier, we would have run out of cake and WE would have felt like we were announcing the party was over right after it started... so I don't regret it at all, even if some of the old people missed out on cake. It's a case of saying "It's MY party and I'll dance if I want to!"

Logistics planning is difficult, and you can't please everyone. While I see your situation as being difficult, whatever the reason for it, I'm willing to bet the bride DID think about it, and possibly agonized over it, but in the end, it is HER decision, so go, have fun, and shaddup about it! (said with a

of course!!!)

 

[HollyS]

I''m more judgemental; I admit it.

Friends of ours are getting married on Saturday at our church, with reception at the church immediately following, with no gifts please, just donations to the church; in short, everything we wouldn''t have done. We didn''t want everyone from church at our wedding; we didn''t want to use the fellowship hall (ugly -- no actually fugly); and telling your guests just how you would like them to donate funds to the church?!!

And they can afford to class this up; it isn''t about the money. They chose Christmas time so they didn''t have to decorate the church; nothing says romance quite like phony silk greenery garland, silk pointesettias (sp?) and grapevine wreaths with Christmas ornaments hot-glued on.

I''m sure, knowing them like I do, that it will be a lovely wedding in its own way; they obviously love each other, and it will be very homey celebrating with their church family. It just wasn''t the simple yet elegant affair that we wanted and were so pleased to have accomplished.

And I''m really judgemental when it comes to these cable bridal shows: Whose Wedding Is It?, Platinum Weddings, etc. These people are crazy; and really, I don''t think most of them are even in love with each other. Last night, one show was about a horribly tacky, gazillion dollar NJ debacle that was so disgusting I had to turn it off; it was completely offensive. The woman spent six figures just on flowers! She actually contemplated 3 dresses because she expected to pay $20,000 and realized that since the designer gowns usually only run about $6-8K, she had $$ left over. The cake was going to be $60K. The cake. And she was marrying a guy who had cheated on her (twice) in the 5 years they have been a couple. Judgemental? Oh yeah, I was judgemental!

 

[Pandora II]

Oh absolutely.

It''s terrible of me I know, but I can''t help it!

I went to two weddings this year, the first was a 3 day affair in Siena in Italy. The place was gorgeous and they had pulled out all the stops, but it was all about the place and not really about them.

Yet, despite throwing $$$ at the whole thing, their invitations were on cheap photocopy paper, obviously cut with a pair of scissors and had a Japanese Lady on it, which seemed a bit odd with the whole Italian thing. It seemed to me that everything they had paid for worked well, but everything they had done themselves looked pretty awful.

Her father spent the entire time looking furious and telling everyone how much money they each earned and how we were all basically failures as we hadn''t managed to marry either of them ourselves. It was VERY odd.

I had dinner with them last week, which was a very uncomfortable evening as they were obviously having problems - FI reckons that it won''t last 3 years.

The second was FBIL''s in Chicago. It was a lovely day - except for the 4 hours of photos that NONE of the groomsmen or overseas guests had been warned about. So 70 of us stood around on the pavement wondering what we should do. We had no idea if they would turn up in 10 minutes or 2 hours.

The wedding was at the Mid-America Club, and I hate to say this, but it was by far the worst food I had the whole time we were in the US. It probably cost $$$ as well, which was a real shame.

One thing I do tend to notice is if things work well together. Its probably pretty bad of me as I''m artistic so it comes to me quite naturally. I have also put a huge amount of time into thinking about every last detail - but I''m completely OCD on details and a lot of people aren''t like that. I can spend hours deciding which particular font to use for something!

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/13/2007 4:08:20 PM
Author: sumbride
If anything I think it has made me LESS judgemental... because now I know what it takes and how many people demand that you please them and how many people have an opinion... so unless it''s truly a horrible horrible thing, for me it''s more of a case of ''well, that''s how they wanted to do it''.



Logistics planning is difficult, and you can''t please everyone. While I see your situation as being difficult, whatever the reason for it, I''m willing to bet the bride DID think about it, and possibly agonized over it, but in the end, it is HER decision, so go, have fun, and shaddup about it! (said with a

of course!!!)

I agree with you sumbride. I am definitely less judgemental about the whole thing. It seems that guests expect so much from your day (not you Gypsy, just in general). The way I feel about it is I''m only (hopefully) going to have one wedding day and why can''t I have it the way that I want. Yes obviously you have to try and think of how guests are trying to get there etc, but there just seems to be so much expected now. I can understand wanting to have good food, but in terms of making it original, invites, decorations etc, surely if the bride and groom are happy then that''s all that matters.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:47:42 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 12/13/2007 4:08:20 PM
Author: sumbride
If anything I think it has made me LESS judgemental... because now I know what it takes and how many people demand that you please them and how many people have an opinion... so unless it''s truly a horrible horrible thing, for me it''s more of a case of ''well, that''s how they wanted to do it''.



Logistics planning is difficult, and you can''t please everyone. While I see your situation as being difficult, whatever the reason for it, I''m willing to bet the bride DID think about it, and possibly agonized over it, but in the end, it is HER decision, so go, have fun, and shaddup about it! (said with a

of course!!!)

I agree with you sumbride. I am definitely less judgemental about the whole thing. It seems that guests expect so much from your day (not you Gypsy, just in general). The way I feel about it is I''m only (hopefully) going to have one wedding day and why can''t I have it the way that I want. Yes obviously you have to try and think of how guests are trying to get there etc, but there just seems to be so much expected now. I can understand wanting to have good food, but in terms of making it original, invites, decorations etc, surely if the bride and groom are happy then that''s all that matters.

Double ditto, Bee and Sumbride--Planning my own wedding has made me less judgmental.

I cringe every time I read or hear someone scoffing at a couple''s choices for their own wedding. I understand it when the guests are terribly inconvenienced, or in some cases mistreated (we''ve heard horror stories around here), but to criticize another''s choice of attire or flowers or anything along those lines just makes me wonder why they would attend the person''s wedding at all--clearly, this isn''t someone they actually care about. It just seems petty and frankly it makes me sad for whoever is saying it. Why not be gracious and let the couple''s joy rub off a bit?

 

[Elmorton]

More judgmental, but more appreciative.

I better appreciate a wedding where I can tell that efforts have been made to a) make sure the guests have a great time and b) the couple''s personality is clearly part of the day.

But I''m definitely more judgmental about lots more - such as people spending ridiculous amounts of money for no apparent reason (ugh, I agree with the comment about Platinum Weddings!), anything tacky, bad food, poor etiquette (registry info in invites - boo), and antiquated symbolism.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don''t think it''s made me more judgemental but I''ve noticed a lot more of the little details at weddings I''ve attended since becoming engaged. I think it''s natural to some degree to see things at weddings and note whether they''re something you''d like to incorporate into your own wedding day or not.

 

[tberube]

Actually, I think it's made me more judgemental AND less judgemental - but not in the way you would think. I think it's made me more conscientious of the cost of a wedding and the importance of buying gifts on a registry, etc. etc. When I go to a wedding now I pick out things that I would do or wouldn't do at my own wedding, and think more about how much work the couple must have put into every detail.

In short, it's made me more understanding, if anything.

ETA: I will say, though, that FI and I have decided to host EVERY part of our wedding at the same place, a cozy hotel in a small town. Nobody has to leave for any reason, until the next morning.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Yes it has made me more judgemental and I don''t think there is anything wrong with that. If I who has never been married and am doing the planning without the help of people who have been married and I can make it convinient for the guests, why can''t others?
I really don''t have anything to add, but I do feel like what''s the point of spending all the money on your guests if you are not thinking of their enjoyment?

 

[aljdewey]

Some of the responses in this thread have really struck a nerve for me, and this thread is the epitome of why hubby and I decided to invite only immediate family and uber-close friends to our wedding.

I wanted to share my wedding day with people who loved us and wanted to share in our joy, not people who came expecting to be impressed (even though those who did were).

I did not want people who''d be more focused on comparing our selections to what they would do and then scoffing at our choices (without even understanding the significance of those choices) as somehow ''less elegant'' than theirs.

I wanted people who knew us well enough to know that we chose our oceanside rose garden ceremony site because it was oceanside (the ocean is a prominent tie for both of our families) instead of assuming we were ''too cheap'' to pay for floral arrangements. Because we only invited intimates, we didn''t have to worry about crappy assumptions like this.

Being able to afford something and placing value on something are two different things. I didn''t care about an elaborate cake, and having a schooner/harbor cruise reception didn''t lend itself to easey of delivery. Because the cruise was more important than the cake, we went with a simple cake instead.

It''s nice to know that there was noone sitting at my reception thinking "oh my god, why did they choose that? They could have afforded a much better cake."

Frankly, many of my friends aren''t as comfortable financially as we are, so we didn''t want a lavish, over-the-top, rub-your-face-in-our-good-fortune vibe to our wedding. While we wanted it to be nice, our wedding wasn''t the poster-child event for materialism.

For us, the day was about marrying each other....not worrying about how others might be judging us. It wasn''t about being pretentious or meeting someone else''s perceived standards. While it was nice to know that many of them felt it was a truly elegant day, it''s even nicer to know that wasn''t the primary focus for the day.

 

[musey]

100% agree, alj. I have a good deal of anxiety over "satisfying" our guests. Hence recent guest list cuts.

 

[Gypsy]

Update on the wedding we are attending.

Someone must have put a bug in their ears b/c all of the sudden on Friday there was a phone tree request to put out the word that they''ve hired buses to and from the hotel for the reception. Someone talked some sense into them.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/17/2007 4:08:15 PM
Author: musey
100% agree, alj. I have a good deal of anxiety over ''satisfying'' our guests. Hence recent guest list cuts.

I wish I could even confess to having had anxiety.....but I''m sure it''s no surprise to you that I''m completely not a people-pleaser....LOL. I march to my own drummer, and if something''s important to me, I make it happen.

That''s not to say I have total disregard for my guests....far from it. I knew we were doing an outdoor wedding, so I made sure to have something to drink on hand. I took care in doing things that I thought were thoughtful.

BUT......I didn''t want to become irritated by inevitable back-biting and snarkiness from casual-level acquaintenance. Everyone''s got an opinion, and you can never please everyone, and I just didn''t want to have anyone participating in that day who wasn''t there in the spirit of what we intended: to celebrate our marriage.

I''ve been to weddings that were all-out blowouts, and I''ve been to weddings that were the equivalent of pot-luck. Most were absolutely lovely. I felt my role was to join in the celebration of the day...not to armchair critique the couples'' choices.

 

[cdt1101]

i 100% agree w/ Aljdewey....i couldn''t even respond to this thread because it bugged me so much! Thanks for saying EXACTLY what i was thinking

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/17/2007 6:54:54 PM
Author: cdt1101
i 100% agree w/ Aljdewey....i couldn''t even respond to this thread because it bugged me so much! Thanks for saying EXACTLY what i was thinking

I''m sorry you were bothered by the thread cdt. It was just a gauge of other''s experiences and opinions. I like the fact that we have such a broad range of opinions on the thread.

I agree that while it has made me more judgemental it has also made me much more appreciative as well. I too attended a wedding with no seating planned... and with centerpieces that were not to my taste-- or with interesting invitation choices, and bland or flat our icky cake choices. And honestly, while it is not the way I would have done things, it was fine with me-- not my event.

I care mainly about issues that effect logistics and practicality. It''s deliberate choices that scream "I don''t care about my guests at all" that bug me.

Contrary to some of the comments on here I think the wedding couple can get to selfish and self absorbed and focused on how the day is "all about ME and what I want" to the exclusion of all else. If that''s your point of view... elope or have a small ceremony of people who don''t mind dealing with your particular idiosyncracies. But if you are hosting a large event... IMO, the operative word is HOSTING. And you should take the time and consideration to be just that... a good host.

But then, I AM a ''people pleaser'' and a considerate host. And I like that about myself.

 

[cdt1101]

maybe that''s why it bothered me. I also consider myself a people pleaser. Sometimes to a fault.

In a perfect world, I''d like to think that the people i choose to invite to our wedding wouldn''t judge the decisions my fiance and I make for our special day. But i know that''s not that case, and this thread is an excellent example of that.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/17/2007 7:27:15 PM
Author: cdt1101
maybe that''s why it bothered me. I also consider myself a people pleaser. Sometimes to a fault.

In a perfect world, I''d like to think that the people i choose to invite to our wedding wouldn''t judge the decisions my fiance and I make for our special day. But i know that''s not that case, and this thread is an excellent example of that.

People are people. Good or Bad. There it is.

My mother for example is one who ALWAYS has an opinion on EVERYTHING at a wedding. So, I guess I''m expecting people to comment and disagree with my choices when it comes to things that are just a matter of personal taste and style. So I don''t really give a hoot about those. My own mother is next to me telling me that this is flawed and that should be changed... so, it''s likely to me that strangers will. Oh well.

It is BECAUSE of my mother though, that at other people''s weddings I don''t really care about these choices of theirs. I don''t want to be like her and I wholeheartedly believe that your dress, your decorations, food choices (not food quality... don''t make your guests ill), and so forth are extensions of your personal taste. And I do NOT think that just because great aunt Margo thinks Chocolate is too racy for wedding cake, you have to get vanilla.

But I DO want to make attending my wedding a logisitical possibility for those invited, and want it to be reasonablely convenient and reasonably affordable too. My own wedding is going to be as small as possible. Not because I want to cut down on the comments, or whatever... but for financial reasons. I know that if I have a larger event I will be tempted to cut corners on guest comfort and logistics issues, and I don''t want to do that. I really do want folks to have fun.

Including my mother, who gets her jollies criticizing people''s choices. She has great fun doing it though... so I''m sure I''ll provide her with plenty of fodder!

 

[cdt1101]

i agree gypsy re: logistics. We are doing a semi-destination wedding. It''s in PA, we live in Northern NJ. Most of my family lives in south jersey and PA, but our friends and finance''s family live in North Jersey (still w/ me..hehe) So most of our guest list will be traveling likely 2 hours. However, for that reason we decided to do a mid-afternoon Saturday wedding that will end by 8:30-9:00pm. That way we figured guests could choose to stay in a hotel or drive back home and still be home by midnight.

So i get what you''re saying.

What really does bug me however were the comments about the flowers, food, decor.....it''s not why the guests are there. They are there to see 2 people join their lives. And it''s an honor to be a guest. The thought that someone would come to a wedding to secretly rip it apart is just

.

 

[cdt1101]

eta..the last statement was NOT directed towards you gypsy. Just the thread in general

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 12/17/2007 6:54:54 PM
Author: cdt1101
i 100% agree w/ Aljdewey....i couldn''t even respond to this thread because it bugged me so much! Thanks for saying EXACTLY what i was thinking

I think you are mistaking what most of us are judging.
I have to uber modern weddings which I cannot say was my taste but which I do not judge. On the other hand, I have been to weddings that were along the lines of what I like but did not take the guests into consideration and those I do judge. Making your irish prone to skin cancer relatives sit in the august sun during an hourlong ceremony with no shade is bad manners and I do judge it harshly. So is having a plated dinner with no veggie or non spicy options when you knew that meant a lot of people simply couldn''t eat. Those have happened to me and I think I have a right to feel like the couple didn''t care about anyone else.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 12/17/2007 7:05:41 PM
Author: Gypsy

Contrary to some of the comments on here I think the wedding couple can get to selfish and self absorbed and focused on how the day is 'all about ME and what I want' to the exclusion of all else. If that's your point of view... elope or have a small ceremony of people who don't mind dealing with your particular idiosyncracies. But if you are hosting a large event... IMO, the operative word is HOSTING. And you should take the time and consideration to be just that... a good host.

ITA. B&G quite often forget that they are a host first and foremost. Don't invite people you don't care to please - it comes across VERY clearly. If they're hard to please, don't invite them. If you care to please them 50%, don't invite them.

Musey, you are doing the right thing for you by cutting the list.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/17/2007 8:32:53 PM
Author: cdt1101

What really does bug me however were the comments about the flowers, food, decor.....it''s not why the guests are there. They are there to see 2 people join their lives. And it''s an honor to be a guest. The thought that someone would come to a wedding to secretly rip it apart is just

.

I think on the one hand, people notice things... and have reactions to them. Some positive and some negative. Just as they think your dress is lovely and your vows are beautiful... they might think your centerpieces are ugly. They aren''t TRYING TO tear the wedding apart. But the comments made in this thread are... observations from other weddings, and thoughts that have crossed peoples minds. People have opinions, and I don''t think you can ignore that. Not everyone is going to love and agree with all of your choices. And you have to accept that. As long as, in my opinion, you have tried your best to be a good host, and keep your guests comfort in mind, you''ve done your due diligence.

The following is not geared at ANY of the comments above or any of the posts, or posters.

As I said, I don''t think many (if any) guest INTENTIONALLY attend in order to tear it apart (I mean I''m sure there are some stupid B&G''s that invite spiteful Ex''s and so forth). But the reality is also that some people just miserable or unhappy people or just plain jealous and that despite their genuine happiness for the bride and groom, they let their negative feelings search out things to criticize, because it makes themselves feel better. I know some people like this. And I pity them. But it doesn''t change the fact that it''s their problem, and again... as long as you''ve done what you should have as a host, it''s not your problem.

You can''t and shouldn''t have to apologize for your taste, your personal taste or style however... so don''t.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Don''t know if judgemental is the right word for me. Perhaps more AWARE?!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 12/17/2007 4:08:15 PM
Author: musey
100% agree, alj. I have a good deal of anxiety over ''satisfying'' our guests. Hence recent guest list cuts.

BRAVO, Musey!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/17/2007 10:44:25 PM
Author: baby monster

ITA. B&G quite often forget that they are a host first and foremost. Don''t invite people you don''t care to please - it comes across VERY clearly. If they''re hard to please, don''t invite them. If you care to please them 50%, don''t invite them.

Musey, you are doing the right thing for you by cutting the list.

This is where I disagree a bit. B&G are hosts, yes, but *not* first and foremost. Their primary roles on that day should be to take their vows.

The point of a wedding is to get married....not just to ''host'' another party. Yes, when you ask people to join with you in celebration, the subsequent party is a form of a hosted event, but the point of the day is the witnessing of vows......not to impress people with your "I thought of every last little picayune thing that everyone from here to Alaska ever cared about" skills.

Let''s repeat it again....you are asking them to join in your celebration....i.e. we''re doing this, and if you''d like to join us, we''d love to have you come. That''s completely different than ''we''re hosting a party in honor of YOU our guest......or for YOUR birthday, for example. So, if I''m throwing a birthday party for YOU, I''ll happily decorate in your favorite colors of pink and aqua (even though they personally grate on me) because it''s YOUR day. When I want to throw a party to celebrate MY event, I''ll place the emphasis on MY vision and what I''d like to see.....since it''s in MY honor. That doesn''t mean "screw all the guests, I don''t care what they want"....of course I''d like them to be comfortable and happy. But it does mean that if I like Mickey Mouse and decide that''s what shape my cake is going to be, I shouldn''t have to expect you''ll be catting about that detail later to someone else. My personal taste has *nothing* to do with your comfort as a guest.

In either instance, of COURSE I want to be a reasonably courteous host, and when I''m the one attending as someone else''s guest, I expect my role is to a REASONABLE guest too. I agree with those who''ve noted logistical challenges, but some of the other expectations are frankly a bit much.

As a guest at a 125-person event, I don''t expect you to contract a personal chef to contact a special plate because I happen to be a vegetarian (if I was). As a polite and courteous guest, I''d prefer to have enough class to politely decline the chicken entree and stick to the side dishes it comes with. If I were a vegetarian, I''m sure this wouldn''t be the first time an event might have been lean on choices for me, and I''d have planned accordingly and perhaps had a PB&J prior to coming. I wouldn''t think to bitch after the fact about how there was *gasp* - NO vegetarian ENTREE.

As a single guest at a large wedding, I don''t expect that you''ll create a special activity list for my benefit when only a scant handful of guests are non-local. I presume you''ll anticipate that I''m an adult, fully capable of either finding things to do or having enough common sense to call and ask you for some input in advance. I wouldn''t expect you to orchestrate it for me like an elementary-school kid on a class trip.

It''s true; people ARE people.......and that means they''ll never mention a word about the 84 details that you nailed perfectly as a host. They''ll, of course, focus on the one thing that didn''t meet their own personal approval and then be catty about it to someone else. How nice.

I don''t think the message did come across very clearly. It wasn''t ''don''t invite people you don''t want to please''. It was ''the larger the group, the more inevitable it will be that people will have different preferences, and therefore someone will find fault no matter WHAT you do. SO.....''invite the people who will be pleased for the right reasons.''