Does your family envision a different wedding than you do?

[ladypirate]

I feel like for the most part my family & FI''s family are with us on the wedding stuff, but there are a few places where we differ. For example, I wasn''t planning on wearing a veil, but my mom & FI''s mom want me to. I want to wear colored shoes rather than white/ivory, which hasn''t gone over particularly well. I wasn''t planning on doing a garter toss or a bouquet toss, but I was informed that these things just HAD to be done because everyone expects and enjoys them. My mom also really wants us to do some sort of slide show with pictures of us as kids and stuff, which I''m pretty meh about as well.

Is anyone else dealing with this? I guess because my mom & dad didn''t have a wedding (they got married at the courthouse), they are expecting us to do a lot of traditional stuff that they didn''t get to do. I always envisioned a less traditional, more informal day.

 

[bubbly1126]

Absolutely! If our families had their way, we would have:

1) A Church wedding.
2) About 500 people there, to which about 90% of them we aren't close to or haven't seen since we were little. (Really? What's the point?)
3) They'd have me wear a veil. (This is a maybe... but the fact that my sister is pushing it SO hard just makes me want to do it less and less...)
4) A sit down meal with waiters and all.
5) Real flowers for everything.
6) A huge cake. (I want cup cakes for the guests and a little nice cake for him and I.)

...and a bunch of other stuff... but I won't sit here and list everything. I keep trying to tell everyone that they already had their day, now this is mine. I know they just want it to be nice but seeing as FI and I are footing the entire bill (except my dress), they'll have to be happy with what we choose.

ETA: Oh and they are all a little bent out of shape right now anyway b/c FI and I are still deciding if eloping is really what we want. Trust me, my family is NOT happy about that!

 

[Londongirl1]

Welcome to the world of wedding planning

. Thankfully for me my SO's family and mine are very laid back and are happy to go with the flow of whatever we (meaning me) chooses for the big day. I guess there are a few things that my mom might prefer e.g. me wearing a veil but she knows I DON'T want to wear one so that is that!

 

[bee*]

We were all pretty much in agreement in what we wanted for the day. My parents were happy with anything we wanted to do and all D''s parents wanted was that we stay somewhere away from home the night before, which was what we had planned anyway as the castle was a bit away from our houses. Everything else they left up to myself and D to decide.

 

[gwendolyn]

My parents are on board, and J''s dad doesn''t really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J''s mom:

"Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*."

"But, that''s not at all what we said we wanted..."

"Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS."

"But...we just said we don''t want to do that."

"Ok, fine, don''t worry, I won''t be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this."

Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn''t want them, we don''t want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 8/27/2009 6:00:53 PM
Author: gwendolyn
My parents are on board, and J''s dad doesn''t really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J''s mom:


''Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*.''


''But, that''s not at all what we said we wanted...''


''Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS.''


''But...we just said we don''t want to do that.''


''Ok, fine, don''t worry, I won''t be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this.''


Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn''t want them, we don''t want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

LOL. Gwen, I feel your pain.

The latest one is ceremony music--I wanted something slightly untraditional (sigur ros, etc.) but was informed that we had to have a string quartet or classical guitarist.

*Headdesk* There goes my dream of walking back up the aisle to David Bowie.

 

[Luckyeshe]

I''m having the same experience as you, ladypirate!! My wedding is completely different from what my mom wants and let''s just say that the battle has begun! We''re trying to compromise, but FI has to step in a lot since my mom thinks she knows what''s best for us. Funny, how she listens to him, but won''t listen to me, her own daughter...

 

[choro72]

Date: 8/27/2009 6:00:53 PM
Author: gwendolyn
My parents are on board, and J's dad doesn't really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J's mom:

'Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*.'

'But, that's not at all what we said we wanted...'

'Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS.'

'But...we just said we don't want to do that.'

'Ok, fine, don't worry, I won't be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this.'

Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn't want them, we don't want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

*snort* Oh boy, you poor thing. But now I'm curious. Stamps!? Your FMIL is picky about stamps? And why boots?

ladypirate, I feel your pain. Have you decided which items you're going to let go? Personally I wouldn't budge on the ceremony music. And SHOES!! As a ps'r, you cannot budge on shoes! I relented on the bouquet toss and corset back (mom said it looked like underwear).
Also, if your mom wants slide shows I would ask her to arrange it. It's very time consuming to choose and scan pictures. Not fun if it's not your idea in the first place.
Or, if you have a mind as open as the sea (which I don't), you could look at the bright side and see that going through pictures could be a bonding experience. I'm not trying to be preachy; I probably would have an attitude throughout the process.

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 8/27/2009 6:00:53 PM
Author: gwendolyn
My parents are on board, and J''s dad doesn''t really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J''s mom:


''Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*.''


''But, that''s not at all what we said we wanted...''


''Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS.''


''But...we just said we don''t want to do that.''


''Ok, fine, don''t worry, I won''t be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this.''


Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn''t want them, we don''t want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

STAMPS YES STAMPS SAME HERE LOL WHAT IS UP WITH THEM.....STAMPS. Honestly!!???!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/27/2009 7:40:02 PM
Author: choro72

Date: 8/27/2009 6:00:53 PM

Author: gwendolyn

My parents are on board, and J''s dad doesn''t really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J''s mom:


''Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*.''


''But, that''s not at all what we said we wanted...''


''Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS.''


''But...we just said we don''t want to do that.''


''Ok, fine, don''t worry, I won''t be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this.''


Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn''t want them, we don''t want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

*snort* Oh boy, you poor thing. But now I''m curious. Stamps!? Your FMIL is picky about stamps? And why boots?

I have no idea what her deal with half the things she has gone on about is, to be honest, even though she''s repeated herself at least half a dozen times on each thing. She was focused on stamps for reply cards to go with invites that I haven''t even BEGUN to imagine yet because we don''t even have a freakin'' DATE yet for the UK wedding because we have to do our immigration stuff first. So why on earth would STAMPS of all things be on the tip of my brain to work out next? I couldn''t give a toss what sorts of stamps we get, as long as they work--and that''s if we even use proper invites! Who knows?! The wedding is still 8 months away! As LP said: *headdesk*

And the boots thing--no idea, really. When she started on those, I hadn''t even looked at any dresses yet, let alone chosen one. She wants me to wear Victorian lace-up boots with a little heel. Not only is this not something I want, it''s something I am physically UNABLE to do. Years ago, I badly hurt my ankles and knees and they never fully healed, and to this day I regularly wear ankle and knee braces and cannot wear any heels without being in terrible pain after five minutes. She knows this. She mentions the boots, so I say no thanks, not my style and not possible anyway because of the heel. But...then she proceeds to tell me another fifteen times how she''s been looking for "my wedding boots" but hasn''t found any. So I drop the gentle reminders and say "no THANK you, no boots for me" and then she gets quasi-offended, asking "what''s wrong with boots?" ARRRRRGH.

Am I secretly being filmed or something? That''s what this is, right? ....right?!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/27/2009 7:43:42 PM
Author: cocolaw

Date: 8/27/2009 6:00:53 PM

Author: gwendolyn

My parents are on board, and J's dad doesn't really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J's mom:



'Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*.'



'But, that's not at all what we said we wanted...'



'Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS.'



'But...we just said we don't want to do that.'



'Ok, fine, don't worry, I won't be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this.'



Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn't want them, we don't want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

STAMPS YES STAMPS SAME HERE LOL WHAT IS UP WITH THEM.....STAMPS. Honestly!!???!

YOU TOO with the STAMPS?!!

Oh no, why are people obsessing about stamps? Who gives a monkey's about stamps?! 'Honestly is right!!!' THEY ARE JUST STICKY SQUARES THAT MAKE PAPER GO FROM HERE TO THERE. What is the big deal?!!!!

ETA: I think the strategic use of caps in this post helps to convey the level of CRAZY we are experiencing with the stamp obsessive compulsive disorder.

 

[cocolaw]

ugh i know!!! she already started saying that we have to have the special heart stamps or whatever. maybe i am a bad bride or woman, but i hate hearts. i always have! i have always hated wedding stamps. i hear that now they have wedding bands instead of hearts, which is even worse in my opinion!!!!! we it be totally horrible if used something else?

yeah caps are great to convey the craziness, and they also allows me to yell without my neighbors on the other side of the thin-walled apartments getting upset.

 

[cocolaw]

what about these

i like them way better than the normal stamps. is this ok?? would you be offended if you saw these on wedding invitations?

 

[Winslet]

Date: 8/27/2009 9:25:58 PM
Author: cocolaw
what about these


i like them way better than the normal stamps. is this ok?? would you be offended if you saw these on wedding invitations?

I used the king and queen of hearts and got TONS of compliments on them. I like ''em cause they''re not overtly wedding-related. Does someone''s mom actually have a problem with those?

 

[cocolaw]

no no not yet! i was just checking because i like them. i want to make sure i''m not totally crazy wanting to use them before i let the families know! im glad you used them and got compliments on them! that makes me feel good about it!

 

[Winslet]

Date: 8/27/2009 9:45:24 PM
Author: cocolaw
no no not yet! i was just checking because i like them. i want to make sure i''m not totally crazy wanting to use them before i let the families know! im glad you used them and got compliments on them! that makes me feel good about it!

Oh good, I''m glad you like them too! Here''s to hoping that your mom and FMIL aren''t opposed to you using them

I''m just cracking up over what some of these crazy objections are!

 

[Rachie]

Date: 8/27/2009 9:25:58 PM
Author: cocolaw
what about these


i like them way better than the normal stamps. is this ok?? would you be offended if you saw these on wedding invitations?

I think that these are so cute! I would have used them if I needed more than just the .44 stamp.

My mom and I didn''t see eye to eye on some things as well and some I gave into b/c it wasn''t that big of a deal for me (tuxes instead of suites & head table). Other things I did without her knowledge until she asked how a certain thing was being done and if she didn''t agree, I would just say that I had already paid for it and I couldn''t change it now anyway! She was so stressed about the fact that I had a seating chart instead of place cards it was ridiculous. When I received the final seating chart and she saw it, she loved it! (surprise, surprise) Oh, another thing that would shut her up quick was telling her that the girls on the Knot did or didn''t do it. I don''t know why but it worked, even if they had/hadn''t I would say they did b/c I knew that she would stop bugging me. When it comes down to it, just choose your battles and stick to your guns about those things that you really care about. Oh, we didn''t have the bouquet/garter toss and no one ever said a word or even noticed.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

on the stamp subject, i just wanted to say that the ones my mom bought were bought around christmas (she basically bought stamps in bulk to help us send stuff out) so the ones she bought have nutcrackers on them, hahahah, if anything is a bad omen it is probably a nut cracker hahah, btw, it is august and we are still using these stamps to send anything and everything lol

oh also they were bought before the price went up so of course i am double sticking the envelopes with nutcracker stamps lmao

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/27/2009 7:51:39 PM
Author: gwendolyn

And the boots thing--no idea, really. When she started on those, I hadn't even looked at any dresses yet, let alone chosen one. She wants me to wear Victorian lace-up boots with a little heel. Not only is this not something I want, it's something I am physically UNABLE to do. Years ago, I badly hurt my ankles and knees and they never fully healed, and to this day I regularly wear ankle and knee braces and cannot wear any heels without being in terrible pain after five minutes. She knows this. She mentions the boots, so I say no thanks, not my style and not possible anyway because of the heel. But...then she proceeds to tell me another fifteen times how she's been looking for 'my wedding boots' but hasn't found any. So I drop the gentle reminders and say 'no THANK you, no boots for me' and then she gets quasi-offended, asking 'what's wrong with boots?' ARRRRRGH.

Am I secretly being filmed or something? That's what this is, right? ....right?!!

Victorian Boots - GET OTTA HERE!!

I know the ones you mean. No offence but the only way you'd catch me in those boots is if I were going to a fancy dress party as Little Red Riding Hood

 

[purselover]

Oh yes, I greatly sympathize with you, our families had a very different vision then I did let''s see:

I didn''t want an engagement party - ours is next week
I didn''t want children invited - they are
If we had to invite children I didn''t want flower girls - there''s 3
I didn''t want a veil - score one for me I''m not wearing one
I didn''t want a priest - score another victory
I didn''t want a cake - there''s a cake
I didn''t want a topper for the cake I was forced into - there''s a topper
I wanted ornament place holders - nope my mom went out and bought something else
I wanted under 50 guests - there''s over a 100
I didn''t want it in this country - it is
If it had to be in this country I wanted it closer to where FI and I live - it''s right where my parents live
I wanted the ceremony at our reception site - it''s at a church

*sigh* I could go on and on I''m sorry you''re having issues as well

 

[cleokizzy]

i''m sortta in the same boat BUT it''s my mom who is envisioning HER wedding on MY wedding. (outrageous? yeah. that''s my mom)

ever since i started planning on my wedding, she keeps saying how when she get''s married it should be with this and it''ll be better than what i am planning. aagghh

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/27/2009 6:08:04 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 8/27/2009 6:00:53 PM
Author: gwendolyn
My parents are on board, and J''s dad doesn''t really seem to have many preferences, but this is how things go with J''s mom:


''Oh yeah, do what you like....just make sure you do *this*, and *this* and *this*.''


''But, that''s not at all what we said we wanted...''


''Ok, so do what you want, but do it like THIS.''


''But...we just said we don''t want to do that.''


''Ok, fine, don''t worry, I won''t be offended if you do something else.....but really, you need to do this.''


Regarding: champagne, decorations, balloons (who gives a crap about balloons?! she doesn''t want them, we don''t want them, yet she still goes on and on about them!), STAMPS, guests (or lack thereof), food, shoes (she wants me to wear boots--no)... Bleh.

LOL. Gwen, I feel your pain.

The latest one is ceremony music--I wanted something slightly untraditional (sigur ros, etc.) but was informed that we had to have a string quartet or classical guitarist.

*Headdesk* There goes my dream of walking back up the aisle to David Bowie.

Can you get a guitarist to *play* David Bowie? Not totally the same, I know, but it''s better than not getting ANY David Bowie.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/27/2009 4:22:03 PM
Author:ladypirate
I feel like for the most part my family & FI''s family are with us on the wedding stuff, but there are a few places where we differ. For example, I wasn''t planning on wearing a veil, but my mom & FI''s mom want me to. I want to wear colored shoes rather than white/ivory, which hasn''t gone over particularly well. I wasn''t planning on doing a garter toss or a bouquet toss, but I was informed that these things just HAD to be done because everyone expects and enjoys them. My mom also really wants us to do some sort of slide show with pictures of us as kids and stuff, which I''m pretty meh about as well.

Is anyone else dealing with this? I guess because my mom & dad didn''t have a wedding (they got married at the courthouse), they are expecting us to do a lot of traditional stuff that they didn''t get to do. I always envisioned a less traditional, more informal day.

I just had to "LOL" at this.

I find my mom''s age group (55-65) HATES the colored shoe thing. They simply do not understand, and don''t like it. I find it hilarious, and will wear my blue shoes with pride!

 

[ts44]

Gwendolyn wrote:

"YOU TOO with the STAMPS?!! Oh no, why are people obsessing about stamps? Who gives a monkey''s about stamps?! ''Honestly is right!!!'' THEY ARE JUST STICKY SQUARES THAT MAKE PAPER GO FROM HERE TO THERE. What is the big deal?!!!! "

---------------------------------------------------

Haha this made me spit my tea all over my keyboard.

My mother just informed me that all my dress choices "look like pajamas." ROFL. I''m like ok mom, guess I''ll be wearing pajamas to my wedding then!

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 8/28/2009 1:10:33 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 8/27/2009 4:22:03 PM

Author:ladypirate

I feel like for the most part my family & FI''s family are with us on the wedding stuff, but there are a few places where we differ. For example, I wasn''t planning on wearing a veil, but my mom & FI''s mom want me to. I want to wear colored shoes rather than white/ivory, which hasn''t gone over particularly well. I wasn''t planning on doing a garter toss or a bouquet toss, but I was informed that these things just HAD to be done because everyone expects and enjoys them. My mom also really wants us to do some sort of slide show with pictures of us as kids and stuff, which I''m pretty meh about as well.


Is anyone else dealing with this? I guess because my mom & dad didn''t have a wedding (they got married at the courthouse), they are expecting us to do a lot of traditional stuff that they didn''t get to do. I always envisioned a less traditional, more informal day.

I just had to ''LOL'' at this.


I find my mom''s age group (55-65) HATES the colored shoe thing. They simply do not understand, and don''t like it. I find it hilarious, and will wear my blue shoes with pride!

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!! but you know who loves it??? the grandmothers! they all think it is so practical and cute!

 

[marlie]

i just read this whole thread and nodded in agreement to everything. what is it about weddings that brings out the crazy in everyone???

it''s still early in the planning process but here''s my list so far...
wanted no more than 150 guests - we are inviting 300
didn''t want engagement party - having one 10/15
wanted a dj or a band/dj- booked a band

i was really particular with photography so FI and I went by ourselves to that and just told the moms who we booked. it was sooo nice. the venue was a whole discussion and a ton of stress but it''s a compromise btwn what they wanted and what we wanted. my mom loves an all white wedding and slowly keeps scaling back on the purple flowers that i wanted added in as an accent. she thinks i''m not noticing...but i am.

overall it''s the phrase "you need xyz" that gets me. i''ll be saying something about my wedding like, i think i want a mix of tall and short centerpieces. the response is usually something like, "no, you NEED all tall ones". really? i do? it''s a necessity? i''m pretty sure people have survived a wedding without all tall ones. ughhhhh.

wow, this thread is like therapy. ahhhhh.

 

[violet3]

This question is exactly why I don''t really care for the wedding planning process ladypirate I am never quite sure how it could be so easy to offend other people by choosing what you like for your own wedding

I tend to feel like i am dealing with this on a regular basis, but really trying hard to not let it bother me

 

[LilyKat]

Yes, definitely. If it were me I'd have a quiet ceremony for immediately family only and leave it at that. My parents want something for all the extended family and friends, which makes me really uncomfortable as I hate being the centre of attention. Also, the thought of the expense of it all (even though it's their money, and they've got plenty) makes me feel slightly queasy.

I love my parents and want them to be happy, but ultimately I won't do anything I'm really not happy with. I guess it's a question of picking your battles. If it would make my parents really happy for me to wear a certain outfit or have a particular type of food, I'd probably do it - but if it was something I truly could not stand (like a garter toss), I'd just say no and let them get over it. Though easier said that done, I know

 

[katomm]

Oh yes. FMIL is the one with the odd ideas. Our ceremony will be family only so very small and intimate. My dress is a bridesmaid dress that is white so it''s not as formal. She saw my dress and remarked that now she has to go buy something to wear because she had planned on wearing a t shirt and capris. WTF????

She wants us to get married where her and BF''s dad live two hours away from here even though my family lives here where me and BF are. Basically she wants thing convenient for her. BF would be fine going to the courthouse but I''m just not going to do that. In the end though we''re going to do what WE want to do and his mom will just need to deal with it.

 

[pjean]

Date: 8/27/2009 9:25:58 PM
Author: cocolaw
what about these


i like them way better than the normal stamps. is this ok?? would you be offended if you saw these on wedding invitations?

That''s what we used! No one''s complained. (My father complained about the postcard reply cards, but that''s another post.)