Donations instead of gifts...poems??

[SB621]

This year instead of getting gifts for some of our family members we are doing donations instead to the Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation. I still want to send a card though and include a little poem saying we made a donation in their honor, but I'm not creative at all. Is anyone a good poet or better at googleing then me? I would love the help!

Side note- we are doing this for a family we barely know but whose son died on 11/28 due to a brain tumor. He was just shy of 2 years old. I really encourage everyone to think about donations instead of gifts this holiday season. My parents aren't sending out holiday cards and instead are donating those funds to the American Cancer Society and sending out a holiday email instead. Every little bit helps! Plus it is a tax right off so it is the gift that keeps on giving!

 

[missy]

Sarah- I just wanted to say what an amazing thing you guys are doing!!!
I'm so sorry about your friend's little boy. I agree giving to causes you believe in is so very important. Thank you to everyone who gives to charities they are passionate about.

I did some googling for you and not sure this is what you are looking for but just in case:

http://www.poemsforfree.com/giving.html

Giving gives far more than we intend.
In everything we do is what we are,
Vastly different than we comprehend,
Importunate as any morning star.
No one ever loves for some clear end,
Gripped by grace that grieves beyond the bar.

"Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted."
-Buddha -

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."
Lao-Tzu

ETA: this link gives some tips on how to write the gift card.
http://www.ehow.co.uk/how_7172243_write-memorial-donation-card.html

 

[princesss]

Honestly, I'd shy away from a poem and instead write a heartfelt letter about why you felt this was important. I think it's a great idea, but I have to say I'd be turned off by somebody trying to make it cutesy. If, however, a friend or family member said, "This is what we did, this is the charity we chose, this is why, and this is the percentage of the money that goes directly into research/treatment/etc," it would make a difference in how I felt about the donation.

 

[SB621]

Thanks Missy! Since having children my perspective on donating/ gifts/ material objects has really changed. It has made me a much better person. Or at least I would like to think so. I'm pretty sure we will always do donations from now on especially with our parents and other members of our family who just don't need anything, but appreciate being recongized.

I actually really love the last quote by Lao-Tzu. I think I will use that for some of them. We are sending seperate cards for our little neices and nephews that I want to do something more kid-friendly with. I will keep seaching.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I'm sorry about the loss of the little boy. What you're doing so so sweet and generous.

Are you going to give small gifts to your nieces and nephews, though? They may not understand the donations if they're under a certain age. I totally understand not wanting to give more stuff than people need (and how much does one need these days?). We just tone down gifts, but are giving gift cards in small amounts to a couple of the little cousins.

 

[SB621]

I'm sorry about the loss of the little boy. What you're doing so so sweet and generous.

Are you going to give small gifts to your nieces and nephews, though? They may not understand the donations if they're under a certain age. I totally understand not wanting to give more stuff than people need (and how much does one need these days?). We just tone down gifts, but are giving gift cards in small amounts to a couple of the little cousins.

The oldest is five and we did get a small gift for her. Our family is huge and we do gifts for everyone (as is tradition on both sides) so though they might not get a "gift" from us they will at least get 20+ more from other relatives. And at least with some of them they will understand the importance of the donation. Our family is pretty active with taking our children to volunteer and do community service so they have been exposed and have a general understanding of what it meets to donate and give back.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

The oldest is five and we did get a small gift for her. Our family is huge and we do gifts for everyone (as is tradition on both sides) so though they might not get a "gift" from us they will at least get 20+ more from other relatives. And at least with some of them they will understand the importance of the donation. Our family is pretty active with taking our children to volunteer and do community service so they have been exposed and have a general understanding of what it meets to donate and give back.

That is so great that you've exposed the younger ones to volunteering!

 

[SB621]

The oldest is five and we did get a small gift for her. Our family is huge and we do gifts for everyone (as is tradition on both sides) so though they might not get a "gift" from us they will at least get 20+ more from other relatives. And at least with some of them they will understand the importance of the donation. Our family is pretty active with taking our children to volunteer and do community service so they have been exposed and have a general understanding of what it meets to donate and give back.

That is so great that you've exposed the younger ones to volunteering!

Thanks MC! and I meant to say what it means to give back not meets!

 

[AmeliaG]

I think it's a great idea IF all the involved people agree to it. I wouldn't spring a donation gift to an unsuspecting relative or a relative who didn't agree to it upfront.

Bluntly said, a donation isn't a gift and should not be treated as such. If your family decided you all have too many material things and you would rather each do donations in each others' names, I thin that is a touching and tender gesture. But I don't think the decision to give a donation should be done unilaterally without checking with the reciepent first. and i think it strange to give a gift with the assumption that the recipient 'will understand'. Since when do you give a gift with the hopes tht the receiver will understand?

I'm not trying to poo-poo your idea but at least ask the recipients first if they'd like it. If not, make the donation yourself and get them a little something. Most probably if you ask first, most of your family will be delighted. For those that aren't, you can decide what to do. Give them a small gift and make the donation in your own name or not give them a gift and make the donation in your name.

I couldn't find it, but there was a recent article that listed a donation in the recipient's name as one of the gifts that most caused misunderstanding and ill will. Basically if you decide to do it, remember that it is not a gift and treat it as any other donation that you would do in another's name. Handle the gifts separately.

Another point of the article was not to use gifts to 'teach' the recipient anything. It's more often resented than appreciated.

 

[SB621]

I think it's a great idea IF all the involved people agree to it. I wouldn't spring a donation gift to an unsuspecting relative or a relative who didn't agree to it upfront.

Bluntly said, a donation isn't a gift and should not be treated as such. If your family decided you all have too many material things and you would rather each do donations in each others' names, I thin that is a touching and tender gesture. But I don't think the decision to give a donation should be done unilaterally without checking with the reciepent first. and i think it strange to give a gift with the assumption that the recipient 'will understand'. Since when do you give a gift with the hopes tht the receiver will understand?

I'm not trying to poo-poo your idea but at least ask the recipients first if they'd like it. If not, make the donation yourself and get them a little something. Most probably if you ask first, most of your family will be delighted. For those that aren't, you can decide what to do. Give them a small gift and make the donation in your own name or not give them a gift and make the donation in your name.

I couldn't find it, but there was a recent article that listed a donation in the recipient's name as one of the gifts that most caused misunderstanding and ill will. Basically if you decide to do it, remember that it is not a gift and treat it as any other donation that you would do in another's name. Handle the gifts separately.

Another point of the article was not to use gifts to 'teach' the recipient anything. It's more often resented than appreciated.

I just typed up a whole response and then deleted it. I will just say that I disagree- I don't think gifts should ever be expected let alone would I ever check with someone to see if they were OK with the gift that I willing choose to give them. I think people have lost sight that for the holidays you should be self-less instead of selfish. Regardless my post is not to debate if donations are acceptable to you or not. It was just a request for a cute poem to send along with a card letting everyone know a donation was made to children who are dying of cancer vs. hey a sweater is on the way to you!

 

[princesss]

I think it's a great idea IF all the involved people agree to it. I wouldn't spring a donation gift to an unsuspecting relative or a relative who didn't agree to it upfront.

Bluntly said, a donation isn't a gift and should not be treated as such. If your family decided you all have too many material things and you would rather each do donations in each others' names, I thin that is a touching and tender gesture. But I don't think the decision to give a donation should be done unilaterally without checking with the reciepent first. and i think it strange to give a gift with the assumption that the recipient 'will understand'. Since when do you give a gift with the hopes tht the receiver will understand?

I'm not trying to poo-poo your idea but at least ask the recipients first if they'd like it. If not, make the donation yourself and get them a little something. Most probably if you ask first, most of your family will be delighted. For those that aren't, you can decide what to do. Give them a small gift and make the donation in your own name or not give them a gift and make the donation in your name.

I couldn't find it, but there was a recent article that listed a donation in the recipient's name as one of the gifts that most caused misunderstanding and ill will. Basically if you decide to do it, remember that it is not a gift and treat it as any other donation that you would do in another's name. Handle the gifts separately.

Another point of the article was not to use gifts to 'teach' the recipient anything. It's more often resented than appreciated.

I was thinking of this, too. And this is the article: http://business.time.com/2012/11/30/worst-gift-ever-the-6-kinds-of-presents-you-should-never-give/

I agree with the author's point - especially about donating to a charity you know they'd support. If a friend or family member wanted to donate to a charity I support for my bday/Xmas, I'd think it was lovely. If it was something I didn't support or did not agree with the way the money was spent (like disease focused charities that spend more on marketing than they donate to research), then I'd feel like it was a really thoughtless gift, or meant to show me how selfish I really was and how much more important the giver's cause is than anything I'd want (even if what I'd want was a donation to a different cause).

Not that I disagree with giving to charity, I just feel like if it's going to be done in my name, I want to say where the money goes.

 

[purplesparklies]

I think a donation to a cause the recipient of the gift supports and has ties to is a great idea. A gift should always be given based on what the recipient will enjoy/appreciate, not what the giver of the gift enjoys/appreciates. Hopefully you have considered the recipients before choosing the cause to which to donate. I do think you have a lovely idea and I hope it is well received.

 

[purplesparklies]

Forgot to add, I agree that a heartfelt letter, perhaps including a meaningful quote, would likely be appreciated. This is especially true if you chose a charity that is not particularly dear to the heart of the recipient. Perhaps a letter will help them understand why you chose to do as you did.

 

[princesss]

Forgot to add, I agree that a heartfelt letter, perhaps including a meaningful quote, would likely be appreciated. This is especially true if you chose a charity that is not particularly dear to the heart of the recipient. Perhaps a letter will help them understand why you chose to do as you did.

Or even something to say, "In light of the horrible tragedy we witnessed, we felt that the best use of our money this holiday season was to donate it to help prevent other families from going through the same thing. We hope you understand that we put the bulk of our Christmas budget towards that, but that the lack of presents under the tree does not mean that we were not thinking of you, our wonderful family and friends. We look forward to enjoying this and many more holidays with you, and we hope that by using our money this way, other families can look forward to the same thing."

I think often the problem people run into with this is framing it as a gift - but really, it's not that this is a cause they support, it's that you feel compelled to spend your money this way. Which is fine! (I realize I'm sounding anti-giving and I'm really not.) But if you sent something saying that it was how you chose to allocate funds, rather than calling it a gift, it shows your thought process a bit more and helps them understand the meaning behind it.

 

[AmeliaG]

I was thinking of this, too. And this is the article: http://business.time.com/2012/11/30/worst-gift-ever-the-6-kinds-of-presents-you-should-never-give/

Thanks princess's. My Internet searching skills desert me at the worst times.

I just typed up a whole response and then deleted it. I will just say that I disagree- I don't think gifts should ever be expected let alone would I ever check with someone to see if they were OK with the gift that I willing choose to give them. I think people have lost sight that for the holidays you should be self-less instead of selfish. Regardless my post is not to debate if donations are acceptable to you or not. It was just a request for a cute poem to send along with a card letting everyone know a donation was made to children who are dying of cancer vs. hey a sweater is on the way to you!

Sarah, of course you wouldn't normally ask a person to approve what kind of gift you give them (although several women think they should pre-approve any of their husband's jewelry purchases.) but at least I hope you'd have the courtesy to give them something they can exchange so if you guess wrong, they can get something they want. How in the hell can they exchange or return a charity donation? I'm the first one to say that people are getting selfish during the holiday season and no they shouldn't expect gifts.

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, if two people agree to exchange gifts, then I think it's perfectly natural and normal for each of them to expect to get a gift that they would appreciate. I repeat, it seems extremely odd to give a gift that makes a statement about what you think is important without thinking of what the recipient would appreciate. If you don't want to consider what a gift recipient would like, just don't give them the gift.

This may be all beyond the point, it seems like several in your family would welcome the donation if asked and may be inspired to make donations in your name. You could be the start of something wonderful and big. This is why you're struggling how to present it - heartfelt letter or poem - if you talked to your family members in advance you wouldn't be asking what to write; you'd know because they would be expecting it.

I'm sorry i cant give you any advice on the poem because its very difficult to write something like this to a person who has no idea its coming.

Let me put it this way; the original purpose of gift giving before we got so commercialized was to strengthen a relationship by exchanging small tokens that showed our appreciation of the other person. Ask yourself, how does this present show this person how glad I am that they are in my life?

I have to go back to my original statement. Giiving a donation to a charity in another's name is a wonderful gesture but its not a gift. I think it's wonderful what you are trying to do but don't treat it like a Christmas gift.

 

[maccers]

I think making a donation in someone's name is a wonderful idea. However, if I were the recipient, what I would find most meaningful is a donation to a charity that I felt personal affinity for (e.g. animal shelter, homeless shelter etc). It sounds like you were really affected and have a lot of sympathy for that family's tragedy - maybe make a personal donation (for yourself) and let the family know that you did so and that you were thinking of them.

 

[cellardoor433]

Sarahbear, just want to say that both my husband and I donate a percentage of our income (automatically deducted from our wage on monthly basis) to charities, and it is wonderful to see fellow contributors making a difference.

I am currently re-reading Peter Singer's The Life You Can Save, a wonderful philosophical book about why aid is important, and every bit counts. Being involved in the international development field and as a feminist, I know how foreign aid is a fraught issue, but I think the bottom line should always be about doing something.

 

[VRBeauty]

Thanks Missy! Since having children my perspective on donating/ gifts/ material objects has really changed. It has made me a much better person. Or at least I would like to think so. I'm pretty sure we will always do donations from now on especially with our parents and other members of our family who just don't need anything, but appreciate being recongized.

I actually really love the last quote by Lao-Tzu. I think I will use that for some of them. We are sending seperate cards for our little neices and nephews that I want to do something more kid-friendly with. I will keep seaching.

In my family we gave up exchanging "real" gifts among the adults years ago. Our gift exchange had become ridiculous! It sounds like you've decided to change your family tradition, or at least your role in it, and do donations instead of gifts this year. Personally I think that's a great choice. However, I agree with Princess that it's best to be straight-forward about it and not try to dress it up as a gift. You could just let everybody know, either at the gathering or by word of mouth or with a card sent beforehand, that you've decided to cut back on gift-giving and why you've chosen this specific charity for your holiday donation. There will be awkwardness if you go to a gift exchange and hand out cards while gathering gifts. If you send out a card or generally spread the word beforehand, your family will know what to expect, and those who would like to join you in cutting back - or who would prefer to reciprocate by making a charitable donation in your name - will be able to plan accordingly.

 

[SB621]

I think I get the disconnect- perhaps I should eleaborate further that we dont' do gift exchanges. My DH and I simply send out small gifts to almost everyone as a token to let them know we are thinking about them. We don't get anything back from anyone except our parents who only give things to our children. Regardless I have already made my decision and sent out a mass email (SHOCKING ) with our annual family updates and the update that we made a donation from every family member to the PBTF. I have already received an overwhelming response of emails and calls about what a fantastic idea it was. So I'm so thrilled it went over so well.

And thank you Missy! I used one of your quotes in the email.

 

[purplesparklies]

Glad to hear your gesture was appreciated in the spirit in which it was intended.

 

[missy]

Yay!!! So glad it went over so well and now you started an amazing family tradition!! Way to go Sarah!!!
And so glad you were able to use one of the quotes!

 

[AmeliaG]

I'm glad things went so well. Thanks for explaining the background. Your kind gesture makes much more sense now. I'm sorry if I sounded judging.

I'm not surprised your family was impressed.

 

[princesss]

I'm glad things went so well. Thanks for explaining the background. Your kind gesture makes much more sense now. I'm sorry if I sounded judging.

I'm not surprised your family was impressed.

What she said. I'm glad your generousity was recognized and embraced by your family.

 

[maccers]

Thanks for updating us! I'm really happy to know it went over so well! You are awesome!