Don''t know what to do or how to feel

[Treasure43]

FF and I went to talk to his parents today about how to plan a simple wedding and also how to find an effective way to save. We''ve been planning to get engaged in the next3 months.

Instead it turned in to a conversation about how MANY student loans we had and how maybe we should put everything on hold until we''ve paid off most of our loans. Together we owe about $200K, so I''m thinking it would be QUITE awhile until we could pay them all off. His mother asked why we were in such a hurry to get engaged. I explained how we''ve been living together for 10 months and I feel like we act like we''re engaged. Basically, I want to be recognized as his finance. She kind of implied that we had made the choice to live together and should be content with that. When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house.

I feel so guiulty because most of the debt is mine and his father asked me if I''d learned from my mistake. Granted, I have a lot of student loan debt, but should we have to let it completly rule our life and not move forward AT ALL with our relationship until most of our loan debt is paid off?

I feel so sad and honestly didn''t expect the level of harshness that we recieved. I understand that they were trying to be honest but I can''t help but feel offended. They made sure to say that they think we''re perfect for one another yet think we should wait.

My parents, on the other hand, have started putting aside a certian amount of money a month to help and try to contribute to the wedding (while they have very little).

I don''t know where this rambling is going. I''m just really upset...

 

[misskitty]

Date: 4/26/2009 8:15:49 PM
Author:Treasure43
FF and I went to talk to his parents today about how to plan a simple wedding and also how to find an effective way to save. We''ve been planning to get engaged in the next3 months.


Instead it turned in to a conversation about how MANY student loans we had and how maybe we should put everything on hold until we''ve paid off most of our loans. Together we owe about $200K, so I''m thinking it would be QUITE awhile until we could pay them all off. His mother asked why we were in such a hurry to get engaged. I explained how we''ve been living together for 10 months and I feel like we act like we''re engaged. Basically, I want to be recognized as his finance. She kind of implied that we had made the choice to live together and should be content with that. When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house.


I feel so guiulty because most of the debt is mine and his father asked me if I''d learned from my mistake. Granted, I have a lot of student loan debt, but should we have to let it completly rule our life and not move forward AT ALL with our relationship until most of our loan debt is paid off?


I feel so sad and honestly didn''t expect the level of harshness that we recieved. I understand that they were trying to be honest but I can''t help but feel offended. They made sure to say that they think we''re perfect for one another yet think we should wait.


My parents, on the other hand, have started putting aside a certian amount of money a month to help and try to contribute to the wedding (while they have very little).


I don''t know where this rambling is going. I''m just really upset...

I''m sorry you''re so upset. It''s crushing to hear that not everyone is on board with your plans, but I definitely think that you''re lucky about the part that I bolded. They''re not opposed to you, they''re just looking out for your best interests, and I think that even though they were kind of harsh (were they referring to student loan debt as a mistake, or credit card debt?), they''re still very much in your corner.
I know that it''s hard to live together and not have the recognition/title of "fiancee" or "wife" yet, but besides that, is there really a rush to get married sooner vs. when you have some money saved up?

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/26/2009 8:41:38 PM
Author: misskitty

Date: 4/26/2009 8:15:49 PM
Author:Treasure43
FF and I went to talk to his parents today about how to plan a simple wedding and also how to find an effective way to save. We''ve been planning to get engaged in the next3 months.


Instead it turned in to a conversation about how MANY student loans we had and how maybe we should put everything on hold until we''ve paid off most of our loans. Together we owe about $200K, so I''m thinking it would be QUITE awhile until we could pay them all off. His mother asked why we were in such a hurry to get engaged. I explained how we''ve been living together for 10 months and I feel like we act like we''re engaged. Basically, I want to be recognized as his finance. She kind of implied that we had made the choice to live together and should be content with that. When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house.


I feel so guiulty because most of the debt is mine and his father asked me if I''d learned from my mistake. Granted, I have a lot of student loan debt, but should we have to let it completly rule our life and not move forward AT ALL with our relationship until most of our loan debt is paid off?


I feel so sad and honestly didn''t expect the level of harshness that we recieved. I understand that they were trying to be honest but I can''t help but feel offended. They made sure to say that they think we''re perfect for one another yet think we should wait.


My parents, on the other hand, have started putting aside a certian amount of money a month to help and try to contribute to the wedding (while they have very little).


I don''t know where this rambling is going. I''m just really upset...

I''m sorry you''re so upset. It''s crushing to hear that not everyone is on board with your plans, but I definitely think that you''re lucky about the part that I bolded. They''re not opposed to you, they''re just looking out for your best interests, and I think that even though they were kind of harsh (were they referring to student loan debt as a mistake, or credit card debt?), they''re still very much in your corner.
I know that it''s hard to live together and not have the recognition/title of ''fiancee'' or ''wife'' yet, but besides that, is there really a rush to get married sooner vs. when you have some money saved up?

It''s all student loan debt. There is no credit card debt. I just feel like if we keep waiting till all $200K of our loans are paid off then we will be waiting a VERY long time to get engage/married.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 4/26/2009 8:15:49 PM
Author:Treasure43
FF and I went to talk to his parents today about how to plan a simple wedding and also how to find an effective way to save. We've been planning to get engaged in the next3 months.

Instead it turned in to a conversation about how MANY student loans we had and how maybe we should put everything on hold until we've paid off most of our loans. Together we owe about $200K, so I'm thinking it would be QUITE awhile until we could pay them all off. His mother asked why we were in such a hurry to get engaged. I explained how we've been living together for 10 months and I feel like we act like we're engaged. Basically, I want to be recognized as his finance. She kind of implied that we had made the choice to live together and should be content with that. When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house.

I feel so guiulty because most of the debt is mine and his father asked me if I'd learned from my mistake. Granted, I have a lot of student loan debt, but should we have to let it completly rule our life and not move forward AT ALL with our relationship until most of our loan debt is paid off?

I feel so sad and honestly didn't expect the level of harshness that we recieved. I understand that they were trying to be honest but I can't help but feel offended. They made sure to say that they think we're perfect for one another yet think we should wait.

My parents, on the other hand, have started putting aside a certian amount of money a month to help and try to contribute to the wedding (while they have very little).

I don't know where this rambling is going. I'm just really upset...

While I can understand being disappointed at their reaction, I don't really think I would let their opinions sway me one way or the other. Marriage is about you and your SO - while it's nice to have parents on board, you two are the ones who have to make this decision for yourselves.

And the part I bolded really ticked me off (not at you, but for her insinuating that). To suggest that, because you live together, you should just settle for that indefinitely-- even though you want to take the next step-- is kind of odd. Sure, I made the choice to live with SO but we made that decision knowing that I wasn't comfortable living together long-term (in my book over a year) without further commitment.


Everyone's situation is different, of course, but... I tend to think your SO's parents need to butt out a bit. You know they are happy to see you two together and honestly, that's all that matters, IMO. Ultimately, you two are the ones who will have to live with your choices.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/26/2009 8:44:49 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 4/26/2009 8:15:49 PM
Author:Treasure43
FF and I went to talk to his parents today about how to plan a simple wedding and also how to find an effective way to save. We''ve been planning to get engaged in the next3 months.

Instead it turned in to a conversation about how MANY student loans we had and how maybe we should put everything on hold until we''ve paid off most of our loans. Together we owe about $200K, so I''m thinking it would be QUITE awhile until we could pay them all off. His mother asked why we were in such a hurry to get engaged. I explained how we''ve been living together for 10 months and I feel like we act like we''re engaged. Basically, I want to be recognized as his finance. She kind of implied that we had made the choice to live together and should be content with that. When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house.

I feel so guiulty because most of the debt is mine and his father asked me if I''d learned from my mistake. Granted, I have a lot of student loan debt, but should we have to let it completly rule our life and not move forward AT ALL with our relationship until most of our loan debt is paid off?

I feel so sad and honestly didn''t expect the level of harshness that we recieved. I understand that they were trying to be honest but I can''t help but feel offended. They made sure to say that they think we''re perfect for one another yet think we should wait.

My parents, on the other hand, have started putting aside a certian amount of money a month to help and try to contribute to the wedding (while they have very little).

I don''t know where this rambling is going. I''m just really upset...

While I can understand being disappointed at their reaction, I don''t really think I would let their opinions sway me one way or the other. Marriage is about you and your SO - while it''s nice to have parents on board, you two are the ones who have to make this decision for yourselves.

And the part I bolded really ticked me off (not at you, but for her insinuating that). To suggest that, because you live together, you should just settle for that indefinitely-- even though you want to take the next step-- is kind of odd. Sure, I made the choice to live with SO but we made that decision knowing that I wasn''t comfortable living together long-term (in my book over a year) without further commitment.


Everyone''s situation is different, of course, but... I tend to think your SO''s parents need to butt out a bit. You know they are happy to see you two together and honestly, that''s all that matters, IMO. Ultimately, you two are the ones who will have to live with your choices.

That''s how I feel as well. They don''t believe in living together but have said they didn''t want to lose their son over it and saw how happy I made him. Yet they''re encouraging us to continue living together when we want to take the next step and that''s frustraing to me. Just because I made that decision doesn''t mean that I have to coninue living with him without taking the next step soley because of money. His father said that with that much debt it might put strain on our marriage but personally I think they''ll always be something that comes up in life and if you''re truely committed you can work through it.

 

[trillionaire]

maybe they would feel more comfortable if you described to them your plan to aggressively tackle your debt and also pay for an e-ring, wedding, house, etc. You can''t undo debt, but you can demonstrate that you have a strong, well thought out and workable plan for the future. Good luck!

 

[fieryred33143]

People, parents especially, are full of opinions. I think their intentions are in the right place...they don''t want you to get into more debt. But if you feel comfortable where you are and are making wise decisions when it comes to your future wedding then just thank them for their advice and continue on your plan.

 

[breezy]

Not sure if this is a possibility or not..........could his parents be worried about him becoming responsible for your debt? If most of it is yours, maybe they are afraid he will somehow get in a mess if things didn''t work out. KWIM?

 

[misskitty]

Oh okay. I''d be annoyed at someone referring to student loans as a mistake, too! They''re absolutely an investment in your career/future.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/26/2009 9:07:26 PM
Author: fieryred33143
People, parents especially, are full of opinions. I think their intentions are in the right place...they don''t want you to get into more debt. But if you feel comfortable where you are and are making wise decisions when it comes to your future wedding then just thank them for their advice and continue on your plan.

Ditto. I would just move along according to what is right for you. As long as you aren''t expecting them to support you financially or pay for their wedding, it really isn''t any of their concern. You asked for their advice, they gave it, but that doesn''t mean you have to follow it.

And don''t be ashamed of your student debt. Nobody can ever take away your education, and I''m hoping you think it was worth every penny.

Good luck!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 4/26/2009 8:15:49 PM
Author:Treasure43

I feel so guiulty because most of the debt is mine and his father asked me if I'd learned from my mistake. Granted, I have a lot of student loan debt, but

$200K in student loans

Why did your FIL ask you if you learnt from your 'mistake'? Wasn't the load to pay for tution? How is that a 'mistake'??

Why can't you have a simple civil wedding? If you want to be married soon but dont want to wait, this would be a good option. I'm not quite sure what you're looking for in your post, so if my suggestion is off-base then please ignore me

 

[bubbly1126]

IMHO, what you and your SO do with your life (together, as one) is your decision and your decision only. The parents can have their opinions but don't let that run your lives. If you both are aware of each others debts and are okay with jointly taking them on, then go for it. Do what makes YOU happy, not what will make others happy. It's YOUR life.

 

[LaraOnline]

You''ve received a lot of good advice in this thread. I agree with fieryred and breezy...

breezy said: Not sure if this is a possibility or not..........could his parents be worried about him becoming responsible for your debt? If most of it is yours, maybe they are afraid he will somehow get in a mess if things didn''t work out. KWIM?


fiery said: People, parents especially, are full of opinions. I think their intentions are in the right place...they don''t want you to get into more debt. But if you feel comfortable where you are and are making wise decisions when it comes to your future wedding then just thank them for their advice and continue on your plan.

Is there a way you can knock that off aggressively? Have you a plan? While it shouldn''t completely scuttle your wedding plans, it would be good to work out how that problem is going to be solved.

Mothers in law (not all are the same!!) can become quite selfish in relation to their sons, particularly just before marriage, I think. Even my own own m-i-l, who I get along with famously now, was really JEALOUS and critical, in the lead up to the marriage. Within the year of the marriage, she had completely gotten over it. Boys are more ''important'' than girls, didn''t you know? While she might be supportive of her own daughter getting married in similar circumstances to you - after all, she is not generally supportive of couples living together in an open-ended way - she isn''t to you, perhaps because she probably doesn''t want her son to take responsibility for your debt.


That debt problem could also be an excuse they need not to contribute to the cost of the wedding. No matter. None of it will matter a jot in a year or two, so try not to hold it against them!! My m-i-l, when she heard my mum had kicked in for my wedding, surprised me by giving us a cheque at the last minute, (the morning after the ceremony) that matched my mother''s contribution.

It isn''t for them to say whether you would want the big wedding or not. Other parents might say that your decision to have a modest wedding was a responsible choice. Do what YOU think is the most responsible thing, getting married is in itself a reasonable thing to do. Many, many people go into marriage with student debt. No doubt is is as breezy said, but I agree with you, it is unreasonable to expect your life to be put on hold (for many years), and for your ''love ethics'' and life to be compromised in this way, simply because you have student debt.

Are other aspects of your life all ''in control'', or is the debt an example of ''stuff'' that needs to be addressed? I get the feeling, no, the student debt is the only problem, because otherwise the parents wouldn''t be telling you they like you so much. In relation to the debt, I guess you''ll have to prove the inlaws wrong and get a really productive, high-paying job as a result of all that study!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/26/2009 9:54:39 PM
Author: LaraOnline
You''ve received a lot of good advice in this thread. I agree with fieryred and breezy...

breezy said: Not sure if this is a possibility or not..........could his parents be worried about him becoming responsible for your debt? If most of it is yours, maybe they are afraid he will somehow get in a mess if things didn''t work out. KWIM?


fiery said: People, parents especially, are full of opinions. I think their intentions are in the right place...they don''t want you to get into more debt. But if you feel comfortable where you are and are making wise decisions when it comes to your future wedding then just thank them for their advice and continue on your plan.

Is there a way you can knock that off aggressively? Have you a plan? While it shouldn''t completely scuttle your wedding plans, it would be good to work out how that problem is going to be solved.

Mothers in law (not all are the same!!) can become quite selfish in relation to their sons, particularly just before marriage, I think. Even my own own m-i-l, who I get along with famously now, was really JEALOUS and critical, in the lead up to the marriage. Within the year of the marriage, she had completely gotten over it. Boys are more ''important'' than girls, didn''t you know? While she might be supportive of her own daughter getting married in similar circumstances to you - after all, she is not generally supportive of couples living together in an open-ended way - she isn''t to you, perhaps because she probably doesn''t want her son to take responsibility for your debt.


That debt problem could also be an excuse they need not to contribute to the cost of the wedding. No matter. None of it will matter a jot in a year or two, so try not to hold it against them!! My m-i-l, when she heard my mum had kicked in for my wedding, surprised me by giving us a cheque at the last minute, (the morning after the ceremony) that matched my mother''s contribution.

It isn''t for them to say whether you would want the big wedding or not. Other parents might say that your decision to have a modest wedding was a responsible choice. Do what YOU think is the most responsible thing, getting married is in itself a reasonable thing to do. Many, many people go into marriage with student debt. No doubt is is as breezy said, but I agree with you, it is unreasonable to expect your life to be put on hold (for many years), and for your ''love ethics'' and life to be compromised in this way, simply because you have student debt.

Are other aspects of your life all ''in control'', or is the debt an example of ''stuff'' that needs to be addressed? I get the feeling, no, the student debt is the only problem, because otherwise the parents wouldn''t be telling you they like you so much. In relation to the debt, I guess you''ll have to prove the inlaws wrong and get a really productive, high-paying job as a result of all that study!

Thanks for all your advice and suggestions

Perhaps that is what she''s thinking and I should have clarified that with her. I plan to pay off my own debt and do not expect him to be responsible for it.

The loans are really the only issue. As for the high-paying job, right now I''m teaching at a private school and not making too much money. The 200K is for both of our loans put together but only 50K of those are his loans.

Actually FF and I talked about this just now and apparently he had taken his mother aside later and she had said they would help contribute to the wedding if they were given time. We have decided to go ahead with our plan to get engaged in 3 months. We will then spend the next year agreesivly paying off our loans. At the end of that year we will assess what our parents can contribute and what we need to contribute and will figure out if marriage in 2011 is possible or if we need to push it to 2012.

Right now we''re trying to figure out the best way to tackle our debt but I have a feeling it is a process that will take a bit of time. We refuse to go in to debt over our wedding and want to find a way to get this debt out from under us. However, we need to find a way that is reasonable and we cannot expect it to be paid off overnight. I have confidence we''ll come up with a way to pay for everything. There are some programs I''m looking into that if I teach in a low income school I can get some of my debt paid off. Problem is, hiring isn''t at it''s highest right now due to the economy

I continue to try and get a job in a public school so I can make more money and pay off the loans faster. The good thing about being a teacher is I can work all summer and put that money towards loans or a wedding in addition to getting paid.

 

[Hera]

I''m sorry, I''m just reeling over the $150k student loan debt. No, I don''t think you should necessarily put your wedding on hold, but I do think you need a very mindful plan to take care of that debt. Considering how you "don''t make much money," I''m not sure how you can aggressively pay down your debt if you have other living expenses much less save for a wedding. While you are responsible your debt, when you get married, his life will majorly impacted by this debt for a long time and so part of me sees why they would be concerned.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree that parents shouldn''t make the decision when you get engaged or married (and I am a mother). My feeling is, if you are already living together, you may as well get married as soon as you can. You''re not going to be able to aggressively pay off those loans with teacher pay, unfortunately. So I''d focus on paying the minimum payments (assuming the interest rates are very low) while saving for a small wedding. I will tell you that my daughter is seriously dating someone with 3 years of graduate school loans, and that is a little scary as her parent. But we would absolutely not think that should have any effect on their future wedding plans.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/26/2009 10:28:20 PM
Author: heraanderson
I''m sorry, I''m just reeling over the $150k student loan debt. No, I don''t think you should necessarily put your wedding on hold, but I do think you need a very mindful plan to take care of that debt. Considering how you ''don''t make much money,'' I''m not sure how you can aggressively pay down your debt if you have other living expenses much less save for a wedding. While you are responsible your debt, when you get married, his life will majorly impacted by this debt for a long time and so part of me sees why they would be concerned.

I''ll be honest and say that I do think that is a lot of debt for an undergrad teacher education major (or does it include a master''s?). The daughter I just mentioned is a teacher as well, and we expected her to go to a state school because that was what we could comfortably afford and we did not want her to carry student loan debt. The mistake they may have been talking about was going to an expensive school for a major that could have been done by going to two years of community college and 2 years at a state school for less than $30,000 total if you were expected to pay your own way. I can see that kind of debt for med school or another highly paid profession where it can be paid off fairly easily.

But since that it is in the past, the best thing you can do is to live preferably off of one income and use the other to pay off the debt.

 

[BlueSki231]

i''m still confused as to how/why student loan debt should be considered a regrettable mistake?? yea 150k is a lot but still.. should not be considered a mistake!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/26/2009 10:38:02 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
the best thing you can do is to live preferably off of one income and use the other to pay off the debt.

Yes, I think that regardless of the wedding date, it can cause a lot of anxiety waiting for the 'other shoe to drop', and you could consider becoming engaged in the timeframe that suits you.

Although you have said you do not expect him to help you pay off the debt, I do think that this is a slightly unrealistic approach - you will need help. Living off one income and paying the entire income on the debt is a good way to go. Also, I would definitely be chasing up all avenues such as holiday teaching, extra jobs and working in environments that allow you to pay down your debt more quickly.

When you get to $50 grand owing each, well surely there's less cause for concern on behalf of the parents! Although you may well be married by then...

I can remember the day DH and I got our student loans paid off. A great day! (and one that happened quite a way into our marriage)

What are your parents attitude to your debt?

 

[CravingDiamonds]

If you waited until your student loan was paid off it appears that you may well into your 50''s by that time!

I say if you two are living together and supporting yourself, then really what say do the parents have? I know that you don''t want to start off a marriage fighting with parents, but they will get over it sooner or later. You are both adults and if you know he is the one, then go for it.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 12:10:12 AM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 4/26/2009 10:38:02 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
the best thing you can do is to live preferably off of one income and use the other to pay off the debt.

Yes, I think that regardless of the wedding date, it can cause a lot of anxiety waiting for the ''other shoe to drop'', and you could consider becoming engaged in the timeframe that suits you.

Although you have said you do not expect him to help you pay off the debt, I do think that this is a slightly unrealistic approach - you will need help. Living off one income and paying the entire income on the debt is a good way to go. Also, I would definitely be chasing up all avenues such as holiday teaching, extra jobs and working in environments that allow you to pay down your debt more quickly.

When you get to $50 grand owing each, well surely there''s less cause for concern on behalf of the parents! Although you may well be married by then...

I can remember the day DH and I got our student loans paid off. A great day! (and one that happened quite a way into our marriage)

What are your parents attitude to your debt?

My debt includes both my undergrad and my Masters Degree. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn''t have taken out the loans but there''s no way to go back and undo the past. My parents feel guilty about my debt because they wanted to put me through college and couldn''t afford it. They also want to help me pay it off and are trying to come up with ways to help. They felt that an education is important and worth it, but nowadays I''m not so sure.

As for not making much money, I make a little under 30K and when I can get a job in a public school I will be making around 40K and that will increase over time. Unfortunatly, working in a private school we don''t get raises and I won''t be able to stay there very long. But until something better is avaliable it''s a job that pays and has benefits.

You make a good point that it will become ''our'' debt in a way. We both are just stressing out so much over this. I always pay more than is due every month and we live very modestly and focus on saving. It just never seems to be enough

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 4/26/2009 9:33:31 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/26/2009 9:07:26 PM
Author: fieryred33143
People, parents especially, are full of opinions. I think their intentions are in the right place...they don''t want you to get into more debt. But if you feel comfortable where you are and are making wise decisions when it comes to your future wedding then just thank them for their advice and continue on your plan.

Ditto. I would just move along according to what is right for you. As long as you aren''t expecting them to support you financially or pay for their wedding, it really isn''t any of their concern. You asked for their advice, they gave it, but that doesn''t mean you have to follow it.

And don''t be ashamed of your student debt. Nobody can ever take away your education, and I''m hoping you think it was worth every penny.

Good luck!

+1

I completely agree with Haven''s post. Your education is worth investing in so do not be ashamed of your loans.

My parents couldn''t afford to pay for college either, so I have student loans too. I started with about 20K, now I''m down to 10K and they''ll be paid off the year I turn 40

DH owes his fair share as well, and we didn''t let that get in the way of us getting married.

 

[partgypsy]

Treasure I think his parents like you and approve of your relationship, but I understand where they are coming from regarding the student debt. I''m going to be harsh here but 150K in debt is ALOT when you consider you got for a degree in a field which does not translate into a high paying job after graduation. I know someone who got her law degree for a fraction of that. I have a PhD that was paid for by a fellowship. Even if I was to get an MD or JD I would have thought very very hard if it meant that much debt, because no job is guaranteed, and would have made sure that I did NOT use the loans for living expenses (not saying you did).
Not only for his parent''s sake but for both you and your ff future you should have a clear plan of clearing these debts in a timely schedule. I also find it strange that your parents are setting aside money for a wedding for you when they did not contribute to your college.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Please forgive me if I offend the OP in any way whatsoever, as it is not my intention. I am just trying to understand something.

Why would you spend $150k for student loans in a field that is KNOWN to be one of the lowest paying professions? The debt between the two of you is what most people spend 30 years of their lives paying off for housing.

I can understand the way his parents talked to you. Honestly, they were more gentle than most would be, and let you know straight out that they think you two are perfect together. However, I have to agree with their obvious thinking that you should get the debt paid off before becoming their son''s financial partner. That debt can seriously handicap both of you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think anger and a deep feeling of hurt is perfectly understandable.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m sorry Treasure but it doesn''t really sound like you or your FI are ready to be married.

1. Responsible adults understand that they pay for their own weddings. They don''t hint, and they don''t take money from parents or parents in-law that don''t have much of their own.
(If parents want to contribute fine, but you plan on paying for your own wedding)

2. Responsible adults pay for their own education. They don''t take money from parents who have to "try" to help pay for it.

3. Responsible adults don''t take out $150,000 in loans to end up with a job paying $30,000 a year.

The fact that you went to talk to his parents about how you can "plan" a wedding when you are grossly overextended just doesn''t scream ready for adult responsibility. You don''t plan a wedding. You can''t afford a wedding. You ask if you can borrow their backyard, you pick up some flowers from the grocery store, and you get a justice of the peace to marry you. Then you spend the rest of your lives trying to pay down your debt on your own.

You make it clear that neither sets of parents are well off. They have their own lives to lead and responsibilities to pay for. You are adults. You need to act like adults, right?

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m sorry that you are feeling sad, I think everybody is right to feel in the way they feel. For sure we know that you can not go to the past and stop having the student loan. If you don''t mind to be engaged for a while before you guys had the money to get married, then I will say why not being engaged. but if you want a wedding soon, you have to think before how much money is left after paying loan, food, rent, etc, and see if there is a realistic way to make it happen.
Hugs

 

[chocolatefudge]

I am shocked!!! Is that a usual cost of being a student in the US? I am also a teacher and have a £12k student loan debt and that stresses me out, can''t imagine owing 200k!

Sorry I haven''t got much else to say on your situation, I am just amazed at how expensive it has been for you to train to be a teacher. Your pay also seems far less than that of a teacher here in the UK which also surprises me as I always imagined being paid more over in America.

I hope you are able to get married soon and you FILs are happy for you

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 1:34:55 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Please forgive me if I offend the OP in any way whatsoever, as it is not my intention. I am just trying to understand something.

Why would you spend $150k for student loans in a field that is KNOWN to be one of the lowest paying professions? The debt between the two of you is what most people spend 30 years of their lives paying off for housing.

I can understand the way his parents talked to you. Honestly, they were more gentle than most would be, and let you know straight out that they think you two are perfect together. However, I have to agree with their obvious thinking that you should get the debt paid off before becoming their son''s financial partner. That debt can seriously handicap both of you.

I never intended to be a teacher. I went with my undergrad intending to be a lawyer and realized in my final year of undergrad that what I really wanted to be was a teacher. At that point, I decided to get a Masters. I may have to consider a career change at some point and am seriously contemplating that. Honestly, I can say I was a stupid 18 year old when I made the choice to go into debt without realizing what it would mean. However, at this point, there is nothing I can do about it besides pay it off. And this will not happen overnight. It will probably take 10-20 years. However, I don''t think I should have to wait 10-20 years to get married.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 1:59:10 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m sorry Treasure but it doesn''t really sound like you or your FI are ready to be married.

1. Responsible adults understand that they pay for their own weddings. They don''t hint, and they don''t take money from parents or parents in-law that don''t have much of their own.
(If parents want to contribute fine, but you plan on paying for your own wedding)

2. Responsible adults pay for their own education. They don''t take money from parents who have to ''try'' to help pay for it.

3. Responsible adults don''t take out $150,000 in loans to end up with a job paying $30,000 a year.

The fact that you went to talk to his parents about how you can ''plan'' a wedding when you are grossly overextended just doesn''t scream ready for adult responsibility. You don''t plan a wedding. You can''t afford a wedding. You ask if you can borrow their backyard, you pick up some flowers from the grocery store, and you get a justice of the peace to marry you. Then you spend the rest of your lives trying to pay down your debt on your own.

You make it clear that neither sets of parents are well off. They have their own lives to lead and responsibilities to pay for. You are adults. You need to act like adults, right?

1. Perhaps I didn''t explain myself clear enough. We had planned on paying for our wedding all along. My parents decided they wanted to set aside some money for it without my asking. When we explained to his parents that our wedding might just be small and be very few people and very simple, they weren''t happy with that and thus, I think that''s why they decided they wanted to help out a bit. I have NO PROBLEM with having an extremely inexxpensive wedding or with being engaged for a few years before getting married.

2. I am paying for my own education. My parents have not spent a cent on my education because they could not.

3. What''s done is done. I can''t go back and undo the past and I''m doing the best I can. I was 18 when I made that decision and it was a mistake and I have clearly learned from it and am TRYING very hard to figure out the best plan to fix my mistake.

We went to his parents to see if they had any tips for planning a VERY inexpensive wedding in two years or so. Not to spend gross amounts of money. That was my WHOLE point to his parents, having a simple wedding that costs very little. However, they weren''t happy with that and told him they would help out. My parents are not well off but his are. Not to say it is their responsibility AT ALL. But my parents and myself seem to be the only ones who are ok with a very simple wedding. Everyone else things I"ll regret it if I don''t do a bit more. However, I''d rather save the money and put it towards loans.

I have to say I was a bit offended by your post. I realize I have not provided as much background info but you''re making quite a bit of an assumption about me not being an adult. I''ve been acting like an adult since I was 13 and my father died and my mother had a stroke and I had to take care of her on my own. I am fully aware of my responsibilites and I''m not ASKING anyone for money. All I was looking for (since his dad is an accountant) is the best way to pay back loans (aka which loans to take care of first,etc.) and how to plan a very cheap wedding.