Don''t know what to do or how to feel

[vintagecushion]

I''m sorry about your situation, it sounds really tough. For what it''s worth I think your student loan situation is unfortunate but as you said you were really young. It''s such a huge financial commitment and I''m sure you would choose differently now.

What I''m confused about is why his parents think you should have a wedding because you would regret not having one? It sounds like they don''t want their son (or you) to give up getting married traditionally, but the reality is that both of you will have to make some serious financial sacrifices in the future so you might as well start now. Why not put the money toward a down payment if that''s what you want?

 

[lucyandroger]

Treasure,

I''m not going to comment on your student loans because what''s DONE is DONE. I don''t understand why people are chastising you for things that are in the past. Clearly, you cannot go back in time so IMO, a lot of those posts seem useless.

My SO and I are also trying to figure out how to manage our money and figure out our priorities. It seems failry obvious to me that waiting until the loans are paid off is not an option. I don''t know how old you are but waiting 10-20 years to get married doesn''t seem to make sense.

I think your idea of having a smaller, simpler wedding is a good one. When you marry someone, you take all of them - even if that means having to have a smaller wedding. If FF''s parents are opposed to that, well then they can pay for it themselves. They seem to think that you should have put your money in to a big wedding while you decided to put your money into your education. What gives them the right to judge? In their opinion, the education money was a waste. Well, maybe in your opinion spending lots of money on a wedding is a waste.

I know that starting off you want to have a good relationship with the in-laws but I wouldn''t let them put me in a worse off financial situation by spending more on a wedding than I could afford. I also wouldn''t let them talk down to me in the way that FFIL spoke to you. You are an adult and you made choices. You''re willing to live with them and so is your FF. That''s all that matters.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 4/27/2009 3:01:41 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 4/27/2009 1:34:55 PM

Author: Winks_Elf

Please forgive me if I offend the OP in any way whatsoever, as it is not my intention. I am just trying to understand something.


Why would you spend $150k for student loans in a field that is KNOWN to be one of the lowest paying professions? The debt between the two of you is what most people spend 30 years of their lives paying off for housing.


I can understand the way his parents talked to you. Honestly, they were more gentle than most would be, and let you know straight out that they think you two are perfect together. However, I have to agree with their obvious thinking that you should get the debt paid off before becoming their son''s financial partner. That debt can seriously handicap both of you.

I never intended to be a teacher. I went with my undergrad intending to be a lawyer and realized in my final year of undergrad that what I really wanted to be was a teacher. At that point, I decided to get a Masters. I may have to consider a career change at some point and am seriously contemplating that. Honestly, I can say I was a stupid 18 year old when I made the choice to go into debt without realizing what it would mean. However, at this point, there is nothing I can do about it besides pay it off. And this will not happen overnight. It will probably take 10-20 years. However, I don''t think I should have to wait 10-20 years to get married.

Or, you know, you could end up like my cousin -- he carried the same amount of student loan debt upon receipt of his Master''s, and he is in your same field. He started off on the same career path, as well: public school K-12 teacher, private school (the middle school grades). however, instead of switching fields/careers, he became a college instructor, used his substantial discounts to pay out-of-pocket for his PhD., became a professor, and now at the age of 43 he''s considered pretty young for where is in on the job ladder: he''s a tenured professor at a fairly prestigious private university. Once he became published and received tenure, he was able to pay off his student loans in 18 months (and this was when he was still in his mid--late 30''s). So, yeah, it took him about 8 or 9 years to pay off, and people wondered why he did that for a teaching degree, but I just thought I''d post about someone in the same field who was able to do it in a reasonable time frame, and who may not have earned the job he has now, had he gone the community college/state U/pay your way thru grad route. Maybe this is just me, but I don''t think a good education is a waste.

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s unfortunate that you are offended by my post but YOUR post implies that you aren''t dealing with reality.

You said: "When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house. "

I ask: all what money ? The money you claim would be yours because you would never ask for any money towards a wedding? How do you save any money for a wedding when you both have $200,000.00 in loans? Are you talking about money that you think parents should give you that you''d rather use for a house? Because that wouldn''t be your money, that would be their money.

You said: "My parents feel guilty about my debt because they wanted to put me through college and couldn''t afford it. They also want to help me pay it off and are trying to come up with ways to help. "

I ask: How does that jive with your latest claim that you are paying for your own education? Clearly you don''t have a problem accepting their help even though you say they can''t afford it.


What I get from your post is a girl that resents the fact that your parents are struggling to put money aside for your wedding, and his parents haven''t yet. You claim you went to get advice on your loans. You have a master''s and you really need someone else to tell you to pay extra on the highest interest loans first? What more is there to advise? Get a second job? Get a better paying job? Don''t spend a dime on a wedding you can''t afford? Stop pretending that your $150,000.00 in debt won''t saddle their son with debt that isn''t his?

I don''t think you wanted advice at all. I think you were hoping they''d step up to the plate and offer some financial help. The help you claim you''re not at all interested in. Of course I could be wrong, and maybe you''re just really bad at explaining yourself

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 4:52:34 PM
Author: purrfectpear
It's unfortunate that you are offended by my post but YOUR post implies that you aren't dealing with reality.

You said: 'When I mentioned not having a wedding both were quick to say that I might regret not having a wedding day. However, I feel like all that money could go towards a downpayment on a house. '

I ask: all what money ? The money you claim would be yours because you would never ask for any money towards a wedding? How do you save any money for a wedding when you both have $200,000.00 in loans? Are you talking about money that you think parents should give you that you'd rather use for a house? Because that wouldn't be your money, that would be their money.

You said: 'My parents feel guilty about my debt because they wanted to put me through college and couldn't afford it. They also want to help me pay it off and are trying to come up with ways to help. '

I ask: How does that jive with your latest claim that you are paying for your own education? Clearly you don't have a problem accepting their help even though you say they can't afford it.


What I get from your post is a girl that resents the fact that your parents are struggling to put money aside for your wedding, and his parents haven't yet. You claim you went to get advice on your loans. You have a master's and you really need someone else to tell you to pay extra on the highest interest loans first? What more is there to advise? Get a second job? Get a better paying job? Don't spend a dime on a wedding you can't afford? Stop pretending that your $150,000.00 in debt won't saddle their son with debt that isn't his?

I don't think you wanted advice at all. I think you were hoping they'd step up to the plate and offer some financial help. The help you claim you're not at all interested in. Of course I could be wrong, and maybe you're just really bad at explaining yourself

As for my parents wanting to come up with ways to help, of course they do. They're trying to offer me advice on how to deal with the problem and see what they can do. I said they WANT to help me pay it off. Wanting too and actually do so are completely different matters. And yes, if they happen to be able to help AT ALL, I would take that help. I've admitted that I need help. Lots of people's parents pay for their education and their weddings. Does that make them not adults or responsible? I don't think so. It just means they had different circumstances.

As for all the money, I'm thinking of even the money a simple wedding (that would be acceptable to his parents) would cost. As I've said, they don't seem content with just a very cheap wedding hence, their saying they will help a bit. However, it is OUR life and they may not be happy with the cheap wedding we choose but ultimatly we have to do what's best for us.

Of course I want advice on how to pay them off. His father is an accountant. It's more than just which ones have the highest interest rates. Is it better to make larger monthly payments or save up and pay a small loan? Some of my loans are in deferement, should I pay on those? Should I pay just interest first (which is actually an interesting option) Etc. It's not a simple matter. Getting a better paying job is what I'm TRYING to do, jobs aren't exactly plentiful right now. I know so many people who have been laid off or who have had pay decreases that I feel grateful to have a job at all right now.

As for my debt "saddling" him, ultimatly that's his choice to make. I've been upfront about my loans, have been trying to pay them off, and will continue to do so. It is my debt and there is nothing more I can do than attempt to pay them off as quickly as possible. I had no intention of asking his parents for money for a big wedding that I honestly don't want. The small wedding I want is easily saved up for and requires very little money.

It's not the points you come up with, but the way you phrase them which is offensive. Perhaps that's just your way. I'm honestly just here to vent and maybe get a little advice and support. Obviously this is a tough time. As for me not dealing with reality, I can say with complete confidence that I completely understand the reality, unpleasent as it is.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 3:38:40 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Treasure,

I''m not going to comment on your student loans because what''s DONE is DONE. I don''t understand why people are chastising you for things that are in the past. Clearly, you cannot go back in time so IMO, a lot of those posts seem useless.

My SO and I are also trying to figure out how to manage our money and figure out our priorities. It seems failry obvious to me that waiting until the loans are paid off is not an option. I don''t know how old you are but waiting 10-20 years to get married doesn''t seem to make sense.

I think your idea of having a smaller, simpler wedding is a good one. When you marry someone, you take all of them - even if that means having to have a smaller wedding. If FF''s parents are opposed to that, well then they can pay for it themselves. They seem to think that you should have put your money in to a big wedding while you decided to put your money into your education. What gives them the right to judge? In their opinion, the education money was a waste. Well, maybe in your opinion spending lots of money on a wedding is a waste.

I know that starting off you want to have a good relationship with the in-laws but I wouldn''t let them put me in a worse off financial situation by spending more on a wedding than I could afford. I also wouldn''t let them talk down to me in the way that FFIL spoke to you. You are an adult and you made choices. You''re willing to live with them and so is your FF. That''s all that matters.

That''s very good advice. I want to thank everyone who has posted on here for your opinoins and your support. Even if some of it is difficult to hear, it''s always good to hear all perspectives

 

[swingirl]

I have college-age kids and they better not even consider ending up with such massive student loans. It's such a burden when you are just starting off on your life.

I would discourage my kids from taking on someone else's loans as well. And when you get married that's exactly what you do. A few years of kicking butt, taking the best paying job available, working a weekend gig, and spending zero is what I would recommend until you have made a significant dent in your $150K.

I can't even imagine what it takes to pay off $150K on $30K a year. I am sure your SO's parents are just concerned as many relationships don't work out due to financial stresses.

 

[HollyS]

Just a few thoughts:

1) I don''t see the point in putting off a marriage if you''ve been living together for 10 months. However -- and this is a big however -- with this kind of debt, I wouldn''t even consider anything bigger than the smallest of small family weddings. They can be done for $1000. or less.

2) You don''t have money to set aside for a wedding. That money is already spent because of your debt.

3) You don''t have money to set aside for a house downpayment. Frankly, with your debt, quite a few lenders would nix a mortgage for you, especially in this economy, and with the salary you say you now earn. Until you pay down some of this debt, it really is a moot point.

4) Neither set of parents needs to provide for a wedding or a downpayment on a home. You shouldn''t have any expectation of that. No matter their own financial circumstances.

5) While I don''t see the harm in getting married, both of you must be aware of your financial situation and diligent in getting out of debt. You both must see the importance of this as your major goal for the next several years. That means: no toys, no bling, no big vacations, no major furniture buying, no expensive clothing, It means: eating in, shopping at discount stores, mending, repairing, and doing without. It means: no kids. Not yet. You can''t afford them.

I know I didn''t paint a rosy, romantic picture for you. But people used to live their lives ''without''. Without the extras. Without the icing on the cake. And they were perfectly happy. Trust me when I say being debt free will bring you a peace of mind that nothing can replace. Not even a dream wedding.

 

[bee*]

I think Holly made some great points. It must be awful to be saddled with such a huge amount of debt, so I think that while you should go ahead and get married, do it the cheapest way you can. Even though your future in-laws might want a bigger wedding, don''t go ahead with that for them. Put all you can into getting rid of the debt.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 6:47:57 PM
Author: HollyS
Just a few thoughts:

1) I don''t see the point in putting off a marriage if you''ve been living together for 10 months. However -- and this is a big however -- with this kind of debt, I wouldn''t even consider anything bigger than the smallest of small family weddings. They can be done for $1000. or less.

2) You don''t have money to set aside for a wedding. That money is already spent because of your debt.

3) You don''t have money to set aside for a house downpayment. Frankly, with your debt, quite a few lenders would nix a mortgage for you, especially in this economy, and with the salary you say you now earn. Until you pay down some of this debt, it really is a moot point.

4) Neither set of parents needs to provide for a wedding or a downpayment on a home. You shouldn''t have any expectation of that. No matter their own financial circumstances.

5) While I don''t see the harm in getting married, both of you must be aware of your financial situation and diligent in getting out of debt. You both must see the importance of this as your major goal for the next several years. That means: no toys, no bling, no big vacations, no major furniture buying, no expensive clothing, It means: eating in, shopping at discount stores, mending, repairing, and doing without. It means: no kids. Not yet. You can''t afford them.

I know I didn''t paint a rosy, romantic picture for you. But people used to live their lives ''without''. Without the extras. Without the icing on the cake. And they were perfectly happy. Trust me when I say being debt free will bring you a peace of mind that nothing can replace. Not even a dream wedding.

Excellent points Holly. I think the house is more of a concern for him and his parents. However, we''ve talked about it some more and he''s fine with waiting for awhile to get a house. As for kids, we''re not planning on those for quite awhile. We fully understand the next several years will be just about paying off our debt. We don''t need a lot and are not big spenders. What matters is we have each other.

 

[Haven]

What Holly said.

Now, as for the issue of questioning your decision to accumulate all of these loans--frankly, it really isn't anyone's business. You did not ask for opinions on whether you were right to accumulate these loans.

I'm a teacher, as well. I teach in a public high school, and this year our salary schedule pays kids with no experience and only a bachelor's degree 43K, no experience and a master's 53K, so hopefully you'll be able to find a higher paying job at some point because they do exist. It's not great money, but it's better than 30K.

Just to offer a different perspective on the debt issue: I paid for college on my own. I chose to go to my state's school because it has a great academic (and social

) reputation, and I didn't want to accrue massive debt. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I started college, but I *did* know that I had wanted to attend the University of Chicago for as long as I could remember. I'm a devoted follower of several of their lit professors' work, and I have been since high school. The problem was that they didn't offer me a scholarship, so I played it safe and went for the less expensive education. (Interesting--my mother also wanted to go to U of C, but she got a full ride to Northwestern and her parents didn't want her to live in Hyde Park, so similar story for her, too.)

Now, over a decade after I entered undergrad, I can say that I *really* regret not attending the U of C, high cost and all. I loved college, it's not like I hated my school, but I really truly wish I had gone to my *dream* school and studied with the scholars that I've followed for so long.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the value of education is a relative thing--for some of us, it's worth the serious debt. (And this is coming from someone who is terrified of debt, so that's just to show you how important that would have been to me.)

Had I attended U of C I would have worked even more jobs than I did in college, and I probably would still be eating beans and rice every night, so my lifestyle *is* different because I chose the cheaper school. But, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would have opted for a decade of beans and rice and lit lectures with Bill Brown at the U of C.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 7:15:22 PM
Author: Haven
What Holly said.

Now, as for the issue of questioning your decision to accumulate all of these loans--frankly, it really isn''t anyone''s business. You did not ask for opinions on whether you were right to accumulate these loans.

I''m a teacher, as well. I teach in a public high school, and this year our salary schedule pays kids with no experience and only a bachelor''s degree 43K, no experience and a master''s 53K, so hopefully you''ll be able to find a higher paying job at some point because they do exist. It''s not great money, but it''s better than 30K.

Just to offer a different perspective on the debt issue: I paid for college on my own. I chose to go to my state''s school because it has a great academic (and social

) reputation, and I didn''t want to accrue massive debt. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I started college, but I *did* know that I had wanted to attend the University of Chicago for as long as I could remember. I''m a devoted follower of several of their lit professors'' work, and I have been since high school. The problem was that they didn''t offer me a scholarship, so I played it safe and went for the less expensive education. (Interesting--my mother also wanted to go to U of C, but she got a full ride to Northwestern and her parents didn''t want her to live in Hyde Park, so similar story for her, too.)

Now, over a decade after I entered undergrad, I can say that I *really* regret not attending the U of C, high cost and all. I loved college, it''s not like I hated my school, but I really truly wish I had gone to my *dream* school and studied with the scholars that I''ve followed for so long.

I suppose what I''m trying to say is that the value of education is a relative thing--for some of us, it''s worth the serious debt. (And this is coming from someone who is terrified of debt, so that''s just to show you how important that would have been to me.)

Had I attended U of C I would have worked even more jobs than I did in college, and I probably would still be eating beans and rice every night, so my lifestyle *is* different because I chose the cheaper school. But, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would have opted for a decade of beans and rice and lit lectures with Bill Brown at the U of C.

I do have to agree that I didn''t ask for opinions on whether or not it was a smart choice. If I had it all to do over again, I''d do it differently. Unfortunatly I cannot undo it. All I can do is learn from my mistake and make the sacrifices that need to be made to deal with this.

The reason my income is so low is because I''m working at a private school. Last year, the places I looked said they''d love to hire me but they wanted someone with a year''s experience. Now that I have that, I''m hopeful about getting into a public school and getting paid more. However, there has been a budget crises in two of the three school districts around my area and they have cancelled their job fairs, hired no new people, increased class size, and let four of the teachers that were hired last year go. So unfortunatly, I may be looking at another year at this pay. However, having the summer to work will help and we plan on dedicating the next several years to aggressivly paying off our loans. Our wedding will probably be as cheap as it can be and I''m completly fine with it. His parents may not be, but it''s not their decision.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 4/27/2009 7:14:13 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 4/27/2009 6:47:57 PM
Author: HollyS
Just a few thoughts:

1) I don''t see the point in putting off a marriage if you''ve been living together for 10 months. However -- and this is a big however -- with this kind of debt, I wouldn''t even consider anything bigger than the smallest of small family weddings. They can be done for $1000. or less.

2) You don''t have money to set aside for a wedding. That money is already spent because of your debt.

3) You don''t have money to set aside for a house downpayment. Frankly, with your debt, quite a few lenders would nix a mortgage for you, especially in this economy, and with the salary you say you now earn. Until you pay down some of this debt, it really is a moot point.

4) Neither set of parents needs to provide for a wedding or a downpayment on a home. You shouldn''t have any expectation of that. No matter their own financial circumstances.

5) While I don''t see the harm in getting married, both of you must be aware of your financial situation and diligent in getting out of debt. You both must see the importance of this as your major goal for the next several years. That means: no toys, no bling, no big vacations, no major furniture buying, no expensive clothing, It means: eating in, shopping at discount stores, mending, repairing, and doing without. It means: no kids. Not yet. You can''t afford them.

I know I didn''t paint a rosy, romantic picture for you. But people used to live their lives ''without''. Without the extras. Without the icing on the cake. And they were perfectly happy. Trust me when I say being debt free will bring you a peace of mind that nothing can replace. Not even a dream wedding.

Excellent points Holly. I think the house is more of a concern for him and his parents. However, we''ve talked about it some more and he''s fine with waiting for awhile to get a house. As for kids, we''re not planning on those for quite awhile. We fully understand the next several years will be just about paying off our debt. We don''t need a lot and are not big spenders. What matters is we have each other.

Great; glad to hear it. Then you''ll be fine. And five to ten years from now, you''ll be much closer to solvency too!

 

[Haven]

Good luck on your job search, Treasure. I know it''s a bad time to be looking right now, my own school let 10% of our teaching staff go for next year, it was horrible. People do move around in the summer, so something may come up then. If anything, next year should be better!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/27/2009 3:01:41 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 4/27/2009 1:34:55 PM

Author: Winks_Elf

Please forgive me if I offend the OP in any way whatsoever, as it is not my intention. I am just trying to understand something.


Why would you spend $150k for student loans in a field that is KNOWN to be one of the lowest paying professions? The debt between the two of you is what most people spend 30 years of their lives paying off for housing.


I can understand the way his parents talked to you. Honestly, they were more gentle than most would be, and let you know straight out that they think you two are perfect together. However, I have to agree with their obvious thinking that you should get the debt paid off before becoming their son''s financial partner. That debt can seriously handicap both of you.

I never intended to be a teacher. I went with my undergrad intending to be a lawyer and realized in my final year of undergrad that what I really wanted to be was a teacher. At that point, I decided to get a Masters. I may have to consider a career change at some point and am seriously contemplating that. Honestly, I can say I was a stupid 18 year old when I made the choice to go into debt without realizing what it would mean. However, at this point, there is nothing I can do about it besides pay it off. And this will not happen overnight. It will probably take 10-20 years. However, I don''t think I should have to wait 10-20 years to get married.

I don''t think you should have to wait that long either.

The best thing I can suggest is that if the state you will marry in says that husband and wife inherit each other''s debt, you should have a pre-nup drawn up stating that his debt is his debt, and yours is yours. This way, if things go south, you and he don''t have to pay through the nose for each other''s debts, AND it would satisfy the parents.

 

[jjdav]

Treasure,

I have a cousin who is also in the educational field, when she was at university, she worked as a music tutor in order to earn extra cash to supplement her living expenses. Is that something you could do? I think given everything that''s been discussed here, ideas for practical second jobs might help.

Maybe even restructure the loans if possible to take advantage of lower interest rates right now? I''m not from the US so not familiar with the student loan processes, but surely there are options to consolidate and work out a better deal on the repayments?

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 7:52:28 PM
Author: jjdav
Treasure,

I have a cousin who is also in the educational field, when she was at university, she worked as a music tutor in order to earn extra cash to supplement her living expenses. Is that something you could do? I think given everything that''s been discussed here, ideas for practical second jobs might help.

Maybe even restructure the loans if possible to take advantage of lower interest rates right now? I''m not from the US so not familiar with the student loan processes, but surely there are options to consolidate and work out a better deal on the repayments?

I''m looking into reconsolidating. Not sure if I qualify but I am checking into it.

A second job would be great! This year I couldn''t do it because my school is a bit different and I''m often required to work some nights and weekends. But next year it''s a definiate possibility with some good planning. The tutoring is a great idea Possibly even waitressing if I can get into a place where there''s good tipping.

 

[breezy]

I agree with Melissa. I was just about to suggest a pre-nup. It might go a long way toward making his parents comfortable with your marriage plans. I''m SURE that they are terrified that something will cause a break-up and their son will be stuck with a huge debt that isn''t rightfully his......and I''ll bet that they would say any number of things to postpone the wedding rather than telling you the real reason. If this is really on their mind, and you offer to sign an agreement about your debts, they will probably be quite relieved and happy if you get married sooner rather than later. They are parents and just are protective of their son....and rightfully so.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/27/2009 9:06:17 PM
Author: breezy
I agree with Melissa. I was just about to suggest a pre-nup. It might go a long way toward making his parents comfortable with your marriage plans. I''m SURE that they are terrified that something will cause a break-up and their son will be stuck with a huge debt that isn''t rightfully his......and I''ll bet that they would say any number of things to postpone the wedding rather than telling you the real reason. If this is really on their mind, and you offer to sign an agreement about your debts, they will probably be quite relieved and happy if you get married sooner rather than later. They are parents and just are protective of their son....and rightfully so.

I thought that a great idea as well. However, I mentioned it to FF and his exact words were "What even made you think of that?". I told him I thought it might be a good idea to make sure he''s protected. The last thing I want to do is burden him with my debt if something were to happen. However, he refused it so I''m not going to bring it up again for awhile.

 

[breezy]

Treasure, no need to push him, but it would also be a good way to protect him if something were to happen to you. No one likes to think about these things, but accidents, etc. can happen. Divorce is not the only way for him to end up repaying your debt ( or you his ). You would have to check the legalities where you live......but I think if you have such a pre-nup neither of you would have to cover the other''s debt if something unfortunate were to happen. Something to consider....

 

[Bia]

Treasure, have you considered applying for a Loan Forgiveness program? There are programs out there specifically for people who have accrued large amounts of school debt, but are in relatively low-paying professions. There is criteria you have to meet, but it may be worth a shot since you''re in education, which is considered public service.

Here''s a link:

Public_Service_Loan_Forgiveness

Good luck with everything

 

[fieryred33143]

Treasure-I still think that if you and your FF are comfortable where you are, then the opinions of others are just that...opinions.

As for the small wedding, you could even do it for less than $1,000 if that is something that you really want. And I agree with what was said (don''t remember by who) that if your FF''s family wants a bigger wedding then they can pay for it themselves.

 

[tlh]

Unless people are willing to cough up a check, it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS on how much things (cost, how much debt you have, etc.)

I just don''t talk money w/ people. Even family. It is none of their business how much you owe, or how much you make... only those contributing to the kiddie need to know that.

Sorry, their response was less than enthusiastic. I think Laura hit the nail on the head. FMIL doesn''t want her son to be saddled w/ your debt. It doesn''t matter who accrues it before the nuptuals... it is the COUPLE''S bills once married. But you have the right outlook. What is done is done, lets move forward. I wish you the best, and am sorry that your road to self discovery was such a pricey one!

HUGS!

 

[elrohwen]

I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this because I didn't read through all of the posts, but often student loans are at a very low interest rate. In that case, you're actually better off making the payment every month, but putting any extra money into a savings account. If the savings account interest is higher than the student loan interest, there's no point in rushing to pay off the student loans. Just something to look into before you spend all of your spare money aggressively paying off the loans when you could be saving it.

Many people pay off student loans for 10 or 20 years after gradution, so I think waiting until those are gone is a bit ridiculous (especially with how much the two of you have). My FI has $30k in student loans, but there's absolutely nothing about that to stop us from getting married this year. I think high interest debt like credit cards is a very different animal from something like a student loan. Education is important! Maybe you could have done it cheaper, but don't regret the education you have and don't look at it as a mistake.

Parents will always have opinions, but that doesn't mean you have to agree. I think as long as you're not going into more debt for your wedding (which it doesn't sound like you're considering anyway) you should go for it! Those student loans will be around for years to come, but so many others are in the same situation and haven't let it slow down their progression to marriage.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/27/2009 10:16:00 PM
Author: breezy
Treasure, no need to push him, but it would also be a good way to protect him if something were to happen to you. No one likes to think about these things, but accidents, etc. can happen. Divorce is not the only way for him to end up repaying your debt ( or you his ). You would have to check the legalities where you live......but I think if you have such a pre-nup neither of you would have to cover the other's debt if something unfortunate were to happen. Something to consider....

When someone dies, their federal student loans are forgiven. He would only be responsible for the private loans (i.e., Sally Mae-type loans).

FWIW, I totally see where you're coming from Treasure. I too paid for my education (including a Masters) and I carry a good deal of student loan debt. I want to COMMEND you on the fact that you have NO credit card debit! That's a fantastic thing and one that not many recent grads can claim. There's no shame in getting a quality education and paying for it on your own. I know how hard it is to pay for school. I worked full time while an undergrad AND in grad school and I still owe a crapload in student loans. Working really only paid my living expenses. And very few industries offer good salaries at entry-level. Even architects, doctors and lawyers aren't guaranteed $70k/year early in their careers. We all (most of us anyway) have to pay our dues before making a comfortable salary.

And the BFs debit isn't minor either $50k is still a HUGE amount to graduate with, so people shouldn't be feeling terrible for him like he's debt free and will be saddled with this huge burden. This is an issue they need to approach together, but separately. I'm marrying FI who has paid off all of his debt. Do I expect him to pay for mine? Definitely not. In fact I've already budgeted it into my bills separate from my contribution to the household. Those payments will come out of my personal monthly savings and "fun money" pool.

I agree that Treasure and her BF really need to speak to someone who can advise them on how best to pay off their debt. Don't ignore your loans to pay off BFs just because he has less. You both need to pay them off equally. Your student loan company can work with you to develop a plan that ensures that you can make monthly payments. Really they just want to know you're going to keep paying them and not default.

Also, while debt is debt, there are differences when shopping for a mortgage. lenders are going to view student loan debt very differently than CC debt and not having any CC debt is going to go a LONG way towards securing financing for a house. Student loan debt is long term at a (relatively) low interest rate and factors into the debt to income ratio differently.

Good luck! I think you should move ahead with your plan to get engaged with a ring that suits your stage in life right now (you can always upgrade later), and if a small wedding is what you want then go for it!