Driving myself crazy *DISCLAIMER* Long

[purelily]

Hi everyone,

I''ve been lurking and periodically making posts. Sorry, I should be a lot more active in this forum since I read it so much, but I''ve been a little scared and I haven''t had much to report. I had made a couple posts before while I was studying for my bar, but I figured I should re-introduce myself as the first introduction may have gotten buried and I post so infrequently.

My SO and I have been together for ten months. We met on eharmony. He was the first person I met and I knew immediately the only person I wanted to meet. So, I told him so. D was a little taken aback by my forwardness ( I think a little freaked) but he laughed it off and our date went great. I thought he wasn''t going to call me back, but he called me the next day and asked if i wanted to hang out again. since I was with my parents, D had to meet my parents for that second date.

Wow, that was 10 months ago. Anyway, fast-forward to now. All his friends and my friends are getting engaged. I know its only been ten months, but, really, we''ve already agreed we are each others "one" so I think we might as well get engaged too. I brought this up. (again, the bluntness). He has now told me that he understands his responsibility as a man to propose and not take his time about it, but i have to allow him to be a man and make his own decision.

I agree with him 100%, but it''s very hard. Especially when a couple months ago he stated that he wonders what we are waiting for ? (as in why are we waiting to get engaged). and some other things which he denies saying now. He''s also singing a whole different tune that I''m pushing him and that I should wait for him to decide these things.

I''m trying hard not to push him now, and not bring up the issue, but its very difficult when my friends parents keep asking us "so when are you getting married?" or when other people bring up the fact we live together so he has no reason to marry me.

So, today, i stopped bringing it up and thats when he showed me his friends'' engagement video and pictures. Then read me their relationship bios. (they all got engaged in less than a year). and I wanted to say HEY! This isn''t helping my psychosis! But, of course, i didn''t. I just watched them and brought up the fact that.. oh look they got engaged before a year was up. Hmmm. and, then, i promptly went back to searching for jobs and talking with my friends online so that I wouldn''t bother him again about getting engaged.

My mom told me this weekend not to worry. She thinks he has everything all figured out-- he told her he''s been asking his coworkers about work/life balance when you''re married with kids and he agreed to let me and my mom look at rings together.

He also told me that he is asking his friend about where to buy the diamond soon. He even paid attention to me showing up pricescope and giving him an education on rings and how he should get his diamond here. Hehehe.

I know he will do it eventually and I have to stop being pushy, but he keeps sending mixed signals and its driving me nuts.

*sigh* sorry everyone, just needed to get that off my chest. I feel much better now!

 

[AdiS]

Hey, purelily! I feel like I may be repeating myself a bit, since this is the advice I give to all the LIW in your situation. Anyway, here it is: don''t push him! Terse and clear. He said it himself-you have to allow him to be a man and make his own decision. And I don''t mean that you just have to reconcile, agree with everything he says or just be prepared to wait endlessly. No, of course not. But you know what you want, you let him know and he got the idea. Reading your post, I dare say he got the idea well enough and he''s probably organizing things already, preparing to surprise you (soon, hopefully). Now you have to stop bugging him. It seems you realised that and you''re making an effort so I congratulate you. That''s the way. His behaviour hints that he''s more into it than you may think-showing you engagement videos and pictures, asking coworkers about married life, paying attention to education on rings, etc. All good signs. Now all you have to do is be patient. And try not to be too obsessed with the whole engagement idea - just enjoy your relationship the way it is now. Good luck!

 

[purelily]

Hi Adis,

Thanks for the advice. I really am trying because, I agree with you. Plus, I dont want to get engaged and think, is he doing this because i'm pushing?

I am okay with waiting and i'm really trying not to push! But we promised to communicate everything on how we are feeling and I don't hold anything back from him. I tell him everything -- he's my best friend. If I don't tell him what I'm thinking, he guesses it anyway. my So is very intuitive and he notices when I'm upset or thinking about something. I'm not really upset about not being engaged ( I know he wants to wait for the right time) -- I'm upset when he says (on his own) it will happen at x time and then retracts the statement. He knows this and hasn't been saying it.

That said, my friend is also "waiting" for a proposal. So, she and I talk about it because she is also feeling that she is getting older. So, my SO hears the conversation (because i'm pretty loud) and he feels its another way of me "communicating" my desire to get engaged. Its really not. its just that, unfortunately, my best friend lives in hawaii and I usually dont talk to her until its later in the day (when she's off work) and he's home.

Because he is involved in every aspect of my life, we talk about everything that i talk about with my friends and how we are both feeling. I'm not trying to be pushy, but all my friends are in hawaii and my mother is in OR. I moved here to be with him. (Which I'm super happy about!) but, now, i am unable to have "girl" conversations b/c I can't do the girl's day out my friends and I used to have. So, my SO has to endure all the "girl" conversations which involve him. Poor guy.

 

[AdiS]

Well, what can you do - if you can live with his dirty socks on the floor/leaving his clothes everywhere/watching TV while you''re talking to him (whichever works for you guys

), then he can certainly live with the girl conversations, even if he''s the main subject. lol
Seriously though, it''s a good thing that you tell each other everything. Just leave it at that, do not repeat it over and over again. And you can certainly tell him what upsets you if he asks but don''t sulk just so he can ask you and you can dwell on the topic again. (I''m sure you wouldn''t do that, it''s just that I have a friend who is a master of this strategy and it does her no good so far. So I feel obliged to mention it.)
You seem like a solid, mature couple though - sharing everything, respecting each other''s feelings, so on. And that''s what matters most in the end, isn''t it?

 

[absolut_blonde]

I used to get annoyed with SO because I also felt like I was receiving some 'mixed signals'. However, I think part of it is due to the fact that THEY know they will be proposing relatively soon. It's a lot easier to tell someone else to relax/don't worry when you know how everything will turn out. That makes it much- MUCH- harder for them to understand "our rush" as females. Much of my distress stemmed from all of the uncertainty regarding an engagement timeline, personally. We have somewhat resolved that by discussing a marriage timeline and other future plans so I felt more secure about knowing where the future was headed.

As for other people - every relationship runs on its own timeline. Comparing yourself to his friends who got engaged in under a year simply isn't productive. Every relationship is unique and there is so much (both good and bad) that you will never be able to see as an outsider. What matters is that your own relationship is happy, healthy, etc.

Finally... I would just avoid the subject for now. A lot of guys are really hung up on the proposal being a surprise (my SO included) so if he thinks it's at the front of your mind 24/7 and that you're constantly expecting it... it may take him longer to work out a way to finally pop the question.

And unfortunately, getting too worked up about the subject can really take some of the fun out of the whole process for the both of you. I say that because I know I've done it, as well as other LIW. Objectively speaking, under a year is not a long time to date without being engaged. That's still in the honeymoon phase so try to relax and enjoy it!

 

[Clairitek]

I''ll echo the advice of those who have already responded with "don''t push him" because I found that made my time as LIW much easier. I also found that by leaving my FI alone when it came to engagement/wedding related stuff I was really letting it be his decision when he proposed. When he asked me to marry him I didn''t feel like I had pushed him to do it earlier than he wanted to.

Whenever I found myself getting stressed out about the whole thing I repeated to myself "He wants to marry me, he''s already said that out loud to me. We live together in our lovely home and I know that no matter how long it takes him to ask, he will ask eventually. He loves me."

Date: 12/9/2008 3:53:00 AM
Author:purelily
I''m trying hard not to push him now, and not bring up the issue, but its very difficult when my friends parents keep asking us ''so when are you getting married?'' or when other people bring up the fact we live together so he has no reason to marry me.

People said this same thing about FI and I to my MOTHER after we bought our house together (unengaged). Don''t let comments like that one or "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" bother you.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I dated someone I met on Match.com for a year and nine months. This really has nothing to do with your situation, so please don''t think I''m suggesting you break up! I only mention it because I saw how many years some of the ladies have been waiting for a proposal.

I broke up with him last May. While we were dating (never lived together), he was very very generous to my children and myself when it came to basic needs help (groceries, making sure there was enough oil in the tank, etc.), but there was never anything that really stood out to me as something to make ME feel special. I''m sure you ladies know what I mean. Anyway, after we were dating for a year and half, I was starting to question his sincerity (basically the "why buy the cow" thing), and I broke up with him. We got back together after a week apart, and honestly I was very surprised to see him cry when I broke up with him. He never saw it coming, despite me thinking I had clearly communicated to him my various thoughts and feelings about the relationship and how stagnant I feared it was. So, there were issues with his teenage daughter (basically I was more of a mother to her than either of own parents) and him not backing me up, and I just really did not see him making any plans to move the relationship forward. We had the ultimatum talk, and he told me straight out that he couldn''t make the commitment at that time because he didn''t know where his business was headed, and I''m sorry but when you truly love someone, you would want them by your side if you knew you may be about to go through a rough transition.

I thought about the ultimatum conversation, did some soul searching, and told him flat out that there was no way I was going to stay in a relationship with someone for two years without a possible future. Believe me, it was not easy to say goodbye to him, but I had a weekend husband, and the weekend boyfriend thing was getting old quick...especially with six kids between my crew and his. I reminded him that back when we started dating I told him that I was not interested in a sugar daddy or dating for half a decade with no future in sight. He couldn''t imagine that I would rather be on my own than be a kept woman who really didn''t have to worry too much about financial issues because he had money and could help me out, but that''s not what I am looking for. I want a real partnership, and I''m not willing to compromise on what I want for me and my children.

I always thought that it is the younger guys who have a hard time moving forward and asking that four-word question, but the man I dated (who had his own house, his own money, his own investments, etc.) was 46 years old, and well-established.

 

[ladypirate]

Hi purelily,

I know it can be tough when all of your friends are getting engaged and you feel like the odd one out. On the other hand, he knows that you are interested in getting engaged and now he has to decide when he''s ready to make that step. You can be ready until the cows come home, but if he isn''t, it isn''t fair to him to push him.

In the meantime, stick around here.

We''re a nice bunch and it''s a good place to vent. If you leave a post in the LIW List sticky thread at the top of the LIW forum, Freke will add you to the list so you can track your progress.

 

[trillionaire]

Stop comparing yourself to others. Sit back and enjoy the show. Patience is a virtue, after all.

 

[decodelighted]

What you''re calling "mixed signals" IMHO is normal ambivalence about a HUGE step/change/decision. Maybe some people rush head first, no 2nd thoughts, full throttle into marriage but NOT doing that doesn''t necessarily imply that he''s leading you on or not as "into you" as those other engaged dudes out there are into their ladies. Its a *personal* process and if you love him try to be patient with it and don''t let YOUR own desires or expectations turn you into an emotional bully.

It''s been *ten months*. I know sooooooo many people who have the "full four seasons" rule. What''s the rush?

Agree: enjoy the ride. You only have this period ONE TIME (if you''re lucky). Do NOT ruin it for yourself or him with unreasonable expectations.

 

[purelily]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice (i.e., don't push). I also saw an emphasis on 10 months isn't that long from one of the posts. Let me just address that.. . I agree with you, but how long is enough? 2, 3, 6 years?

To be honest, I was in the 2 - almost 4 year relationships - waiting around for someone. In fact, i've been in about 3 of them? the last one, we were together for two years then engaged for one and a half-- he never planned on marrying me just wanted a ring on my finger to keep other guys away. At that point, I was patient and willing to wait, but I've realized that sometimes a ring or even a long relationship does not mean that it'll workout.

I trust my SO and I know everything will fall into place, but sometimes my insecurities of the past creep up and bite me in the butt. So, please excuse my whining at 10 months, but I'm trying the "whine in the forum" rather than "whine to him" approach now as a way of taking everyone's advice to not push

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 12/9/2008 1:59:38 PM
Author: purelily
Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice (i.e., don''t push). I also saw an emphasis on 10 months isn''t that long from one of the posts. Let me just address that.. . I agree with you, but how long is enough? 2, 3, 6 years?

To be honest, I was in the 2 - almost 4 year relationships - waiting around for someone. In fact, i''ve been in about 3 of them? the last one, we were together for two years then engaged for one and a half-- he never planned on marrying me just wanted a ring on my finger to keep other guys away. At that point, I was patient and willing to wait, but I''ve realized that sometimes a ring or even a long relationship does not mean that it''ll workout.

I trust my SO and I know everything will fall into place, but sometimes my insecurities of the past creep up and bite me in the butt. So, please excuse my whining at 10 months, but I''m trying the ''whine in the forum'' rather than ''whine to him'' approach now as a way of taking everyone''s advice to not push

Here is the (frustrating) thing:

I don''t think there is any hard and fast rule as to what is long enough.

But IMHO, I think it''s safe to say that 10 months isn''t too long. It is long enough to know if someone is ''the one''. But given that you haven''t even had a year''s worth of seasons/holidays together yet - certainly not time to go into panic mode just yet

The details are really couple-specific. And there are ALL kinds of anecdotes. You often hear stories about people getting engaged very quickly and staying together-- yet, people are less quick to mention how they got engaged after 3 months when that didn''t work out. Know what I mean? Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for you as a couple because the experiences (and outcomes) of others will be all over the map.

That said, I understand your misgivings due to your previous experiences. Just remember that your SO is his own person and not those other guys.

 

[cbs102]

Someone once gave this amazing advice and i wish that i could quote it verbatim... but it was something like.. when we are happy we want to rush everything..rush to get engaged...rush to have the wedding...rush to have a baby... and before you know it all those exciting firsts are in the past. i know that this is so hard to do..believe me, i have been in your shoes.. try to focus on the fact that you ARE going to get engaged. enjoy this time with your FUTURE FIANCE. be in love, be happy... the engagement will come in due time.

 

[purelily]

Thanks again
I''m trying to calm down and just enjoy this time together. Reading posts here is definitely helping