E-Ring budget vs. whole wedding budget

[Black Jade]

The thing was, different people paid for different things when we got married. It was a long time ago, 28 years and we were (and are) very traditional.
Fiancee then (hubby now) paid for -ering and honeymoon. I am pretty sure he spent more on the honeymoon, though I don'tknow the total cost of that (i do of the e-ring).
Dad spent on the wedding, and I have no idea what it cost. It was a very nice catered affair. We had a certain amount of guests alloted for each family and every guest my in-laws wanted over that, they paid for. They must have paid a substantial amount for the wedding though as they had 4-5x more people than my family had there.
Grandma bought my exquisite (and very expensive for the time) wedding dress. It cost more than my e-ring.
Hubby had also saved for long enough before proposing that we bought our first home three months after wedding. he hadn't wanted to get married until he had enough for downpayment. I guess that was one of the things he and my father stayed in the study discussing for a long time alone while I waited outside--you know the whole "Can you support my daughter in the style to which she is accustomed.' Sounds way old-fashioned now, doesn't it?
I didn't spent anything on anything for the wedding and all I really brought to the marriage was my college loan debt, which hubby paid off about five years after we married. I remember how happy we were when he brought down the envelope with the last payment and we knew that was done. He had no college loans of his own (scholarship student).
I was 26 years old and didn't have a dime. After I bought my bridesmaids presents for participating (tokens of jewelry) my bank account was completely, and I mean completely, cleaned up. But my husband knew I didn't have a dime and he didn't care.
Interesting, my mother came to me secretly after we returned from the honeymoon and offered me a large sum of cash (not just large for that time, but large for today too), on the condition that I stash it in a private bank account and not tell my husband I had it. She told me very seriously that every woman needed to have access to some money that hubby didn't know about, because you just can't trust men! I have no idea where she got this philosophy from (her mother had left her father penniless with kids though in a foreign country, so maybe that was what was behind that). anyway, I refused the money, not wanting to start out a marriage with hiding things/tellling lies to hubby and I have never been sorry that I refused that money. (she basically gave it to me later anyway in the form of a bond in my eldest son's name when he was born--but of c ourse hubby knew about THAT).
Here I am OT again. I think I'm hopeless.

 

[suchende]

Black Jade, it makes a lot of sense to me for a young woman in a new marriage to have some money set aside "just in case." I would want my daughter to have the financial means to get away from her husband if he had a major personality change after the wedding and ended up needing to get away from him in a hurry.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I doubt the OP will select a certain "ratio" based on what PSers have done. It's simply interesting to read about different peoples' plans and priorities.

Our wedding was 3x my e-ring, maybe a bit less. Though I loved my ceremony and reception and had a fun, memorable evening I can't help but think ...All that $ could be on my finger!

But then I remember why we spent more on the "party" part of the wedding: It was something everyone could enjoy... Guests, my husband, me, etc. Family and friends wouldn't necessarily share in my happiness if I was sporting a larger, better-cut, higher clarity rock.

 

[yssie]

Black Jade, it makes a lot of sense to me for a young woman in a new marriage to have some money set aside "just in case." I would want my daughter to have the financial means to get away from her husband if he had a major personality change after the wedding and ended up needing to get away from him in a hurry.

Black Jade, that's interesting. My parents also gave me a just-in-case sum, not huge but enough to get out and find my own place and furnish it in a hurry if necessary and if I didn't have anything else. I had made it very clear that DH and I were not going to combine finances though, at least not until we have children, so the money is in my name only, and DH is fine with that.

I can understand not wanting to keep a secret like that from your husband to be - I don't understand why it had to be a secret, but that's not really my business

 

[charbie]

E-ring was free...DH received it from his grandma. Wedding band was <$300.
DHs wedding band was a closeout titanium...$30

Cost of wedding was much more (below average, but a good sized affair), but it was no correlation, just a matter of circumstance.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Interesting, my mother came to me secretly after we returned from the honeymoon and offered me a large sum of cash (not just large for that time, but large for today too), on the condition that I stash it in a private bank account and not tell my husband I had it. She told me very seriously that every woman needed to have access to some money that hubby didn't know about, because you just can't trust men! I have no idea where she got this philosophy from (her mother had left her father penniless with kids though in a foreign country, so maybe that was what was behind that). anyway, I refused the money, not wanting to start out a marriage with hiding things/tellling lies to hubby and I have never been sorry that I refused that money. (she basically gave it to me later anyway in the form of a bond in my eldest son's name when he was born--but of c ourse hubby knew about THAT).
Here I am OT again. I think I'm hopeless.

does this philosophy also holds true for the guy?..

 

[suchende]

Black Jade, it makes a lot of sense to me for a young woman in a new marriage to have some money set aside "just in case." I would want my daughter to have the financial means to get away from her husband if he had a major personality change after the wedding and ended up needing to get away from him in a hurry.

Black Jade, that's interesting. My parents also gave me a just-in-case sum, not huge but enough to get out and find my own place and furnish it in a hurry if necessary and if I didn't have anything else. I had made it very clear that DH and I were not going to combine finances though, at least not until we have children, so the money is in my name only, and DH is fine with that.

I can understand not wanting to keep a secret like that from your husband to be - I don't understand why it had to be a secret, but that's not really my business

Well that's sort of the point, is it not? That, if it turned out your new husband wasn't the person deserving of perfect trust that you assumed, you'd have an exit option. I get that, ideally, you wouldn't have secrets form your spouse, but it's one of those things you would just have to compartmentalize away.

 

[Sam121]

this was back in 1986...her Ering cost $7300 and the wedding cost about $4500. i don't believe in big expensive weddings... $30-$35k for 8 hours of fun? ... i'll take a $35K diamond any day of the week over a $35k wedding. a beautiful diamond sparkles forever.. a beautiful wedding sparkles for 8 hours...

ditto. We are in the midst of planning so am not sure what will be the exact amount, but my guess is the wedding is going to cost less than the ring, as we are doing a destination wedding with close friends and family only.

Whenever I watch Say Yes to the Dress on TLC and the amount those dresses cost for just a few hours of wear it really makes me feel painful...those could be a pair of nice stud earrings which will last forever!

My favorite Say Yes to the Dress moment was when the family and sales people were trying to push the bride to go $1500 over her dress budget. She said "but that's a new sofa!" and they all stopped bothering her.

Its all a matter of priorities. If somebody has always dreamed of the perfect ring, or dress, or venue, then that's where they'll spend more money.

agreed. A lot of women I know have the 'perfect wedding' ideal so that's where most of the money is spent, whereas SO and I would really rather prefer just going to City Hall and signing the papers (no gown etc) and having drinks with friends and family at a lounge downtown as a form of celebration. I am the only female in my social circle who feels that way...wonder how many women or men feel this way?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My wedding was roughly 5x's as much as my e-ring.

 

[vsc]

It's been really interesting reading everyone's replies! As I might have said, everything is already done/paid for - so I'm mostly asking out of curiosity. And also, of course everyone's priorities vary and I won't judge anyone for it . Although I love jewelry, it was so hard for me to see DH spend this much on one little object... And then when the wedding planning started, there were many "must haves" that popped up that I had not anticipated (maybe I would have had less scruples with the ring choice, had I known)... In the end, it was about having a memorable party for all of our friends and family, and somehow it was easier to spend lots on that than on something for me only. It might have only lasted one day, but we keep hearing how much fun everyone had, and there are so many pictures and memories that we'll have forever.

Also, rings can get upgraded (although I don't think I'll ever get the chance to do that) but you only get one shot at having a big wedding celebration.

 

[Amys Bling]

Ha, never thought of it like that. If you're budgeting for the e-ring and wedding together, I'd choose to spend as much as possible on the e-ring since it lasts forever!

I agree with this! My Ering costs about 1/3 of what the wedding is.... no correlations, it's just that my FI picked out a stunning ring for me all on his own with what he could afford and wanted to spend on me, and as for the wedding, we received about 60 percent of the money for it from parents and are footing the rest. We tend to be more practical when it comes to the wedding, not going overboard, but still having everyone we want invited and the food and quality we want..

we didn't correlate the two to each other though..

If I only had $X, I would spend a good amount on the Ering though, as that it the one thing that lasts forever- along with pictures and video.

 

[sba771]

My wedding was about double my e-ring and my e-ring costs a good 10k more than my car. It is about priorities and who is paying. We contributed to our wedding but my mom picked up the tab with some help from my in-laws. She wanted it a certain way and that is what we had (but it was amazing and I am still replaying it over and over). If it had been on our heads to pay we would have eloped.

 

[suchende]

It seems like there's a disparity point where you would start to draw criticism (e.g. 3 carat diamond with a potluck church basement reception).

There's this really strange phenomenon where people feel entitled to have lots of opinions about what's right and wrong about wedding planning: I can't think of any other event with so many etiquette rules and mini-Miss Manners at the ready, to tell you what tradition you're tackily violating (like several of my friends who firmly believe that if you aren't hosting an open bar, you have no business hosting a wedding at all, issues about who can host a shower, people who think it's rude to not register for gifts, those who think it's rude to announce registration this way or that, etc).

So with that in mind, if your rock is lavish and your reception is shabby, I can imagine people getting themselves worked up about it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Also, rings can get upgraded (although I don't think I'll ever get the chance to do that) but you only get one shot at having a big wedding celebration.

not true,cuz most people will get a second chance since almost 50% of the marriage will end up in a divorce. my niece's marriage only lasted 10 months.. $30k went down the drain just like that..

 

[Black Jade]

Didn't know I'd strike such a nerve with my mom's offer of cash right after wedding.
I'm sure she meant it out of love, but I personally didn't think it was a good idea to beginning a marriage with a big secret like that kept from husband, and also to begin a marriage with an exit valve already planned out (that kept me closer to my parents than to my spouse, also).
I'm still glad that I did not accept. I don't know, but fear my marriage might have turned out very differently if I had. As it is, my husband has become over time the closest person in the world to me with complete trust between us and we keep our finances together and agree on them and this works for us.
I am by no means giving blanket advice here for everyone, but that is my opinion.
I knew hubby very well when we married, we had been dating for seven years and had started out as friends and I wouldn't have married him unless I had been sure that he was someone I could trust with everything, which, as it has turned out, he is.
Sadly, my parent's marriage broke apart about fifteen years after I married (40 years after they married, when they should have been going into their golden years today). One enormous reason why was that, in spite of everything he did to show her that he loved her and she could trust him, my mother brought issues from her parents' experience into their relationship and made a big deal about not just earning money separately from my father, but keeping it separate (it eventually actually became a deal where he paid all the household expenses with what he earned, which was theirs, and she did what she wanted with what she earned, which was 'hers'); reminding him that she was financially independent and thus 'didn't really need him'; and undermining him so far as disciplining the children (my young adult brothers) by letting them know that if their father was 'mean' to them by not giving them everything they wanted in the ways of fancy clothes, fancy cars, etc. there was another source(her) who would always make sure they got what they 'deserved' even if they hadn't earned it.
It took my brothers years to recover from this and my mother NOW constantly says how much she wishes she had listened to my father in regards to money and discipline.
This is all really off topic and my apologies again. And I repeat, I am not sayng I have the answer to everyone's life situation, only what I saw in my own experience.

 

[Dancing Fire]

My wedding was about double my e-ring and my e-ring costs a good 10k more than my car. It is about priorities and who is paying. We contributed to our wedding but my mom picked up the tab with some help from my in-laws. She wanted it a certain way and that is what we had (but it was amazing and I am still replaying it over and over). If it had been on our heads to pay we would have eloped.

nice to have rich parents...

 

[suchende]

Also, rings can get upgraded (although I don't think I'll ever get the chance to do that) but you only get one shot at having a big wedding celebration.

not true,cuz most people will get a second chance since almost 50% of the marriage will end up in a divorce. my niece's marriage only lasted 10 months.. $30k went down the drain just like that..

blahhh that's just not true. I don't have time to show you why, but a bit of googling will explain it

 

[Autumnovember]

Also, rings can get upgraded (although I don't think I'll ever get the chance to do that) but you only get one shot at having a big wedding celebration.

not true,cuz most people will get a second chance since almost 50% of the marriage will end up in a divorce. my niece's marriage only lasted 10 months.. $30k went down the drain just like that..

blahhh that's just not true. I don't have time to show you why, but a bit of googling will explain it

Agreed...so many factors are involved in that stupid statistic anyway.

 

[rosetta]

I know this is PS and I like I should advocate spending more $$ on the e-ring, but I don't really think I can walk around with a six figure sum on my finger. So the wedding was always going to cost a lot more than the e-ring. It's not just for me but for our whole family and all our friends so I think its worth it. Im not saying everyone should do the same, the math just made more sense in this way for me. Plus it's considered the duty of parents to pay for their childrens' weddings in my culture, so refusing our parents this honour would not even be thinkable. I'll be saving up to do the same for my kids.

 

[rosetta]

DF, no one gets married thinking "gee, I've got a 50% chance of getting divorced, I'll not bother spending much on the wedding then!"

Am I allowed to spend $$$ if I tell you, statistacally, I'm very unlikely to get divorced and that no one in my family has ever gotten divorced etc etc?

Nah.

Coz that'd just be silly and prove nothing.

 

[sctsbride09]

Dh spent more on my ering than we did on our wedding. We did elope however, and spent a good deal on our honeymoon. But that is just the way our priorities were/are. We had to pay for 100% our wedding, and it was easy to make the decision between choice A-have huge wedding that everyone gets to come to, and have no money left in savings or for a honeymoon ( we live in So Cal, wedding arent cheap here) or choice B-elope, have an amazing honeymoon and a hefty savings account...That one was a no brainer.

 

[violet3]

My ring was more than half of the wedding budget, but in my defense, we had the wedding where DH works (he's the general manager of a restaurant) and we used the space for free and ordered all the food and alcohol at cost. Not really a "normal" situation by any means.

 

[HollyS]

Um, my ring cost more than the wedding. Not including my dress/shoes/etc. It is still possible to have a wedding, a nice one, that does not break the bank. But you do have to leave out a few unnecessary details.

 

[MustangGal]

We got engaged young (19 and 20), and my e-ring and wedding band were $700. 2.5 years later when we got married we pitched in, my mom did, his parents, and my dad, and the wedding for 150 guests at a nice country club was just under 7K, so 1:10 would be my ratio. For our 5th anniversary we upgraded my rings, but still only have about $1,700 into them (they look much more due to crazy ebay deals). I feel rediculous spending a ton on one piece of jewelry, I can have lots of sparkly things instead!

It all depends on where the couple is in life, who's paying, and what their priorities are. We were the first to get married for both families, so had to do the big wedding. Now, 10 years later, I might have done something smaller instead.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Didn't know I'd strike such a nerve with my mom's offer of cash right after wedding.
I'm sure she meant it out of love, but I personally didn't think it was a good idea to beginning a marriage with a big secret like that kept from husband, and also to begin a marriage with an exit valve already planned out (that kept me closer to my parents than to my spouse, also).
I'm still glad that I did not accept. I don't know, but fear my marriage might have turned out very differently if I had. As it is, my husband has become over time the closest person in the world to me with complete trust between us and we keep our finances together and agree on them and this works for us..

Black Jade - I'm one who believes that an exit plan is important. That aside, I agree that the money shouldn't be hidden from your DH. I do have a seperate account in my name and my husband does know about it. It's not a large chunk of money, though, and I don't work (so technically it's my dh's and my money) but it does provide a seperate sense of security if I need it.

 

[sba771]

Didn't know I'd strike such a nerve with my mom's offer of cash right after wedding.
I'm sure she meant it out of love, but I personally didn't think it was a good idea to beginning a marriage with a big secret like that kept from husband, and also to begin a marriage with an exit valve already planned out (that kept me closer to my parents than to my spouse, also).
I'm still glad that I did not accept. I don't know, but fear my marriage might have turned out very differently if I had. As it is, my husband has become over time the closest person in the world to me with complete trust between us and we keep our finances together and agree on them and this works for us..

Black Jade - I'm one who believes that an exit plan is important. That aside, I agree that the money shouldn't be hidden from your DH. I do have a seperate account in my name and my husband does know about it. It's not a large chunk of money, though, and I don't work (so technically it's my dh's and my money) but it does provide a seperate sense of security if I need it.

I have something just as MC does. I refer to it as my super secret savings account that everyone knows about. It is just nice to have a secondary emergency fund- who knows what the emergency could be one day?

 

[zhuzhu]

My engagement is worth more than 30 times that of our wedding cost.

But I think that is because we got married in the city hall, for $200 total.

 

[kittybean]

My wedding budget was just under twice what the e-ring cost. If I were doing things over, I don't think I'd allocate the money any differently.

 

[Clairitek]

My wedding was about 2x the cost of my engagement ring. We only paid for about 3/7 of the cost of the wedding, which was less than the cost of my engagement ring (we had a small dinner reception in Rhode Island for 35 people). Our portion of the wedding cost was our photographer and my dress. I wouldn't change the way money was allocated as I still look at my wedding pictures daily (no joke, they're taped up all around computer monitor) and I adored my gown. Neither of these items were as expensive as they could have been, so I think we spent well.

 

[happybear]

I'll be getting married next month and looking at all the expenses that we had / will incur, the wedding will cost about the same or slightly less than my ering. That's because we are doing away with alot of the traditional Chinese customs and opted to just register our marriage and have a nice luncheon with close family members followed by a casual dinner party with close friends.

Our honeymoon will cost about 1.5 times my ering, though