Ediquette question!

[diamondseeker2006]

I think it is a little rude not to invite the partner of an engaged or living-together couple. So I see nothing wrong with getting clarification. Maybe they didn''t know her full name.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Yikes- tough call.

I wouldn''t RSVP with an extra name and I wouldn''t call B&G directly. Is there someone in the wedding party that you can call (and request that they not say anything to the B&G about it)?

Would an email be too casual? At least it would give them some time to think about it. While they are adults, I would feel very put on the spot if someone called me directly and asked. I probably would say "yes, I''m so sorry I left them off" and just lie about it. I would hate to appear rude to them.

Ediquette is so icky sometimes! You never know who is very deliberate and who is absent-minded with their guest list. Sorry you''re having to worry about this!

I guess the *most* appropriate thing to do would be not to attend and not to ask, but I do understand your position. If you do feel that you should ask, just be very humble about it!

 

[annadragon]

Date: 6/22/2009 1:11:27 PM
Author: lala2332
well for the million+1...I'm sorry that I offended everyone. I don't like the idea of calling the bride and putting her on the spot, I think a lot of people would be caught of gaurd and that is not nice to do. million+2, I'm sorry but I was very offended by the idea that the bride/groom/wedding planner would be made to feel awkward at the wedding, I don't think there is any reason why that should happen....that was my point.

I'm with lala on this one. How many /rants are posted on these boards about people filling in extra guests or parents who insist on inviting extra people you've never met to your wedding? This couple has not met the OP, they are not obligated to invite her despite the flippant comments by family members she has met about this surely being an oversight on the B&G's part.

I do appreciate that the OP asked about any cultural differences that might change the situation. I, also, understand that while Nebe is trying not to breach etiquette protocols by asking in this forum that we shouldn't enable her to do so; it's not doing her any favors and makes the situation hypocritical. We can't assume, despite and in light of our experiences that everyone else planning a wedding is some rube that has no idea how to make a guest list or address invitations.

In fact, after the first response she graciously replied

That's what I had assumed- the family is huge and tho we're a couple, I've never met these particular cousins so I doubted I'd be invited anyway. Thanks for the help!

Just my 0.02

 

[lala2332]

thank you annadragon!

 

[luckystar112]

It wasn''t the content of the posts, annadragon, it was the tone toward one of the nicest posters on the board.

 

[loverocks]

Date: 6/23/2009 12:58:07 PM
Author: luckystar112
It wasn''t the content of the posts, annadragon, it was the tone toward one of the nicest posters on the board.

Ditto - it''s not what you say, it''s how you say it.

 

[tlh]

Honestly, as someone who INTENTIONALLY didn''t invite +1s with every guest - it was really awkward when I was put on the spot by the guest asking me if they could bring a date. Now granted, the guests didn''t have a live-in girlfriend. Were local, and knew a considerable portion of the guest list. It still sucked to say... no that wasn''t a misprint. There were no misprints. If the invite had just the name of one person... it was the person being invited solo. Also the guest list was something as a couple we worked hard on. Bride and Groom, Parents of the Bride, and Parents of the Groom. We were ALL involved in this process. Every guest was an intentional invite, and any solo invites was not an oversight.

Also, my brother REALLY wanted a small wedding. He knew of boyfriend/girlfriends, and didn''t invite them, because he wanted it to be as small as possible. Which was a moot point considering the size of the families. But with the budget and venue restrictions, he made cuts w/ to SOs of people he had never met. One in particular was his 1st cousin who lived 2,000 miles away. She wanted to invite her SO of 2 years. He said, no, I dont want my wedding to be around strangers that I''ll never see again. He also is very rude, and didn''t handle questions about the guest list with any sort of finesse. In those cases, the guests were better off talking to our parents to find out if it were an oversight. Because he frankly didn''t care about offending a distant cousin, oh and a side note she''s now marrying the uninvited +one.

I think if you want it clarified, I''d try the indirect approach. Have your FH or if one of his parents is close to either the parents of the bride/groom - and they talk to them w/ any sort of frequency, to have them bring it up in passing. Otherwise have your FH call and ask, "I''m filling out my response card, and I see the envelope was addressed to me only. Was I the only one invited? or was I allowed to bring my girlfriend as a guest." something like that... the last part would really be added only based upon the hmm and haw in the answer. Because by asking for clarification, you are definately putting your host on the spot.

I wish you the best. It could have been they left it blank just til they could find out your name, and it left the printers without the correction. I''ve seen that happen before.

 

[lala2332]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:24:02 PM
Author: loverocks

Date: 6/23/2009 12:58:07 PM
Author: luckystar112
It wasn''t the content of the posts, annadragon, it was the tone toward one of the nicest posters on the board.

Ditto - it''s not what you say, it''s how you say it.

there was no tone until nebe said the bride/groom/wedding planner would be made to feel awkward on their wedding day.

If this situation was reversed and nebe had come on here saying someone had done this to her, you all would be up in arms about such a rude, self-centered guest.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 6/23/2009 2:44:35 PM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/23/2009 1:24:02 PM
Author: loverocks

Date: 6/23/2009 12:58:07 PM
Author: luckystar112
It wasn''t the content of the posts, annadragon, it was the tone toward one of the nicest posters on the board.

Ditto - it''s not what you say, it''s how you say it.

there was no tone until nebe said the bride/groom/wedding planner would be made to feel awkward on their wedding day.

If this situation was reversed and nebe had come on here saying someone had done this to her, you all would be up in arms about such a rude, self-centered guest.

I can''t believe this is still going on.

Nebe NEVER said she would make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward on their wedding day. She was asking the question to avoid doing so. She doesn''t think she''s going to be the center of attention at their wedding. She is just sweet enough to not want them to experience any awkwardness on their wedding day. She never said it would be a big deal.

Yes, none of us know the couple and therefore have no idea about their knowledge of etiquette. The only people who DO know the bride and groom are Nebe''s FILs and they think she is invited! So lots of helpful PSers have given Nebe great advice and I''m sure she''ll handle the whole situation with lots of class!

She had a simple question and it seems to have been answered to her satisfaction so why don''t we just drop it.

 

[fieryred33143]

Obviously everyone is reading that statement differently as I didn't get a selfish tone in the bride/groom/wedding planner comment. However, Nebe has already explained that she wasn't trying to sound self-centered or selfish and she apologized for coming across that way or offending you. The appropriate and courteous thing to do would be to just drop it.

FYI ETA-I'm not trying to be a net-nanny but I just don't think its fair that Nebe has to continue reading that she was "rude" or "self-centered" when she was clearly not trying to be and has already expressed that multiple times.

 

[nebe]

Date: 6/23/2009 4:11:49 PM
Author: fiery

FYI ETA-I'm not trying to be a net-nanny but I just don't think its fair that Nebe has to continue reading that she was 'rude' or 'self-centered' when she was clearly not trying to be and has already expressed that multiple times.

I walked away from the post assuming that the issue had been long ago answered... boy was I wrong!

I'm not going to personally respond to any of the subsequent comments, but I would like to acknowledge and thank those of you who've made it a point to say such nice things.

I'm hurt by the accusation of my alleged troublesome behavior, but I'm also perplexed that it's caused such a stir here! Please understand that I did not nor never would, go out of my way to make the bride or groom feel any kind of obligation towards me. For fear of causing such a riot in my own future family, I've decided not to contact them about the wedding and will not be attending. Nor will I ever even think of causing the trouble of asking whether my noninvitation was purposeful.

Thank you all again for taking the time to help me navigate the highways and turnpikes of wedding etiquette!

Perhaps for my own wedding- we'll elope!

 

[sammyj]

<----------------- this has to be the best emotie I''ve ever seen!!!!

to you nebe!

 

[anchor31]

Technically, etiquette for a French Canadian wedding is not different than for other weddings (except perhaps for cash bars... I didn''t have one, but they are a common occurance; people are used to paying for their own alcohol at any major event). A lot of people are clueless about etiquette though (and that''s probably the case everywhere), so having you FH call someone close to the bride and/or groom to clarify is definitely the best way to proceed.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 6/25/2009 6:20:28 AM
Author: nebe

I walked away from the post assuming that the issue had been long ago answered... boy was I wrong!

I''m not going to personally respond to any of the subsequent comments, but I would like to acknowledge and thank those of you who''ve made it a point to say such nice things.

I''m hurt by the accusation of my alleged troublesome behavior, but I''m also perplexed that it''s caused such a stir here! Please understand that I did not nor never would, go out of my way to make the bride or groom feel any kind of obligation towards me. For fear of causing such a riot in my own future family, I''ve decided not to contact them about the wedding and will not be attending. Nor will I ever even think of causing the trouble of asking whether my noninvitation was purposeful.

Great decision, Nebe!

My personal belief is that in this kind of situation, if you decide not to go to the wedding and it turns out you were actually invited, that causes way way less havoc and confusion as opposed to you attending when you weren''t invited. Good for you for handling everything with such maturity and grace.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/22/2009 12:13:27 PM
Author: lala2332
i wasn''t being snarky.

I have a HUGE issue with anyone that thinks they have the right to 2nd guess a bride/groom''s guest list decision. These expectations that certain people that you have never met HAVE to be invited is ridiculous.

Freke, aren''t you the one dis-inviting half your guests, because they were ones you felt you HAD to include. And then you decided that isn''t what you wanted?

The word wedding just makes people go crazy. Why in this world should anyone have to invite people that they rarely if ever see, don''t truly care about, and don''t want to spend time with?

Therefore.....

I think it is rude to call a bride and ask why someone was/wasn''t invited, and/or if it was an oversight. I said before I don''t know her family, so maybe it is legitimate, but I would be really hard pressed to ask the bride. She has enough going on.

Nebe said she didn''t want it be awkward for the bride/groom/wedding planner at the wedding, that is great that she doesn''t want it to be that way, but how would it ever get to that point unless someone was rude?

These people have never met her, they are not going to say more than hello and welcome to the family before moving on to the people they know and want to spend time with. If you genuinly want to celebrate their marriage, then plan a trip to visit them after the wedding.

Insisting that your lack of invite is an oversite is selfish. WHy does nebe want to go the wedding? Do you truly want to celebrate the union of these two people you have never met, or do you think you should be invited and therefore have a right to call and ask why you weren''t. I personally think it sounds like the second. And maybe it s more your FMIL and FH that have the expectations, but either way I don''t think it is ok to call the bride. If you want to ask around to a muual family member that will know, maybe, but even that is pushing the limits to me.

Let me first say that Nebe, you have been extremely gracious, and I completely applaud you.

Whoa lala. I don''t believe this thread is about my particular situation, and I do not see this as a place for discussion of my ordeal, or how it is pertinent to Nebe''s situation.

For your information, the people who were uninvited were people I never wanted at my wedding to begin with, and I was talked into inviting by my father.

Which, again, has nothing to do with Nebe''s situation.

I was just sharing my personal experience that SOME people AREN''T on the up and up on etiquette, and I know for a fact that my cousin would wonder why my FI wasn''t at her daughter''s wedding, even though his name was not on the invite. That''s NOT oversight, it''s plain ol'' not knowing the rules of etiquette. Not everyone does you know...

Nebe, again, totally gracious, and I understand why you are doing what you''re doing, and commend you for it.

 

[VRBeauty]

The "rules" of etiquette aren't exactly carved on the sides of Mount Rushmore... or Whistler for that matter. Different people have different ideas of what "the rules" are. I once passed on a co-worker's wedding. MY BF was invited but I didn't think the invitation included me. The bride later mentioned that she was hurt I wasn't at her wedding -- she had assumed I'd go as my BF's date! As for the "awkward" comment, I assume that was just the OP filling up some blank space... maybe reaching a bit... but not necessarily a sign of systemic narcissism!