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Engaged young?

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meepcat

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I''ve been engaged before -- when I was 24. I thought I was at the right aged to be engaged and ready for marriage. Of course, that didn''t work out, for a variety of reasons.

I believe I was too young in my world experience, to be engaged. After I broke up with him, I lived in France and Germany for a couple of years, and experienced some of the darkest moments in my life. It prepared me well for the future obstacles my SO and I would encounter with external factors we''d have no control over.

This is JUST my humble opinion, but the mindset between the ages of 18-24 seem much different from 25-29. I''m 29, so I can comment on how this range affected my life. I had a tumultuous upbringing, and that predisposed me to want a permanent commitment early (I''m not a serial dater). But having since experienced many events between 25 and 29, what a difference 4 years makes. Not to mention, my personality is much better suited with my boyfriend than any other friend or boyfriend that I have had.

What do others think? Did you think you were too young (in the mind) to be engaged and marriage-bound? Or did you think intensity of experiences outweighs age and living in the world? Or did you feel swayed by the media''s publication of wedding periodicals, celebrity marriages, and all your friends'' tying the knot?
 
I don''t believe that age has everything to do with whether or not a person is ready for marriage. I believe that your life experiences, how you have grown up, maturity levels and general ability to work with others and be independent are most important. My sister was married at 23 and still is 10 years later because she as prepared for married life. One of my friends was married at 28 and was very immature, never left her town or had the crazy years of fun and was divorced within a couple of years.

I am 23.5 and expecting a proposal very soon and have been on my own since 15. I went to boarding school and have not lived with my parents since that age. I work 2-3 jobs go to graduate school and have lived with my bf for 1.5 years. My personality will change @ 24-29 but I believe that I am not too young to get engaged or be married.

Anyways, I just think it depends on each person. When I was in Bangledesh for a couple of months I saw 13 year old married girls who took care of the household and were more mature than 25 year olds in the us (I am not saying marriage at 13 is right or good, it is just an observation).

I am well traveled and have been to 7 countries, 4 of them being third world, and it has changed my views on marriage completely.

I also grew up in the flatness of the midwest and not everyone gets married young, but in my circle of friends 20-23 is probably average with a divorce rate that is very very low.
 
I''m 25 now, so I can''t really comment on what a 25-29 mindset is, but I can say that I think grouping 18-24 into one set is pretty unfair. An 18 year old has only high school experiences to draw from, while a 20 year old may have been on their own for two years. A 22 year old has mastered the college thing, and a 24 year old has experienced leaving school and spent time out in the real world. (Of course, all of those descriptions are HUGE generalizatons). In my experience, every year of my life has been very different from the last, and each difference comes with a boost in maturity. Where in that slow growth of maturity someone will be ready for marriage (if ever) will vary from person to person according to their personality and what was packed into each of those years.
 
I dont think that age has much to do with it. i was also engaged previously (at age 17) hadnt even graduated high school. i was the 1st of my friends to get engaged and it was a total surprised. Obviously that dint work out or i wouldnt be here as a LIW. Anyways, my friend also got engaged 3 weeks after me, got married before finishing high school and 6 years late they are still married and with 2 kids. Point being is that i guess it doesnt matter the age what matters the most is that you are really ready to make such a huge commitment with each other. wether you are 18 or 24 it just have to trully be in your heart.
 
If I knew then what I know now........
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yeah, but we always know more later than we did before. that''s part of what''s scary about marriage--you can''t KNOW beforehand its going to work, you just have to commit yourself to trying as hard as you possibly can to make it work.
 
I''ll be a few months shy of 24 when we get engaged and I do sometimes have spastic issues about whether I''m too young. It''s funny, I was watching TV with a married friend of mine (same age as me) and they mentioned some girl was 23 and had just got married. My friend kind of looked surprised and said "thats so young to be married!" and I had to remind her she was only 22
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Peoples lives, where they are in their life and what the want from their life, vary so much that its impossible to put a number on what''s "too young". Some people just want to get married and have a family. Some need time to date around and play, go clubbing or whatever young people do (never been to a club in my life).

Who knows, in 10 years I could be light years from where I am. I just decided that I''m not going to let go of a relationship that is amazing because of what "might be".
 
After reading your replies, it brought me to the question of:

When do you know when you''re ready?

At 17, how did you know you were ready? How about at 23?

I believe when there are hardly secrets between the two, and there is considerable honesty and personal responsibility exchanged in a relationship, THEN you are ready, because there is emotional, physical, and intrinsic infrastructure in place for future obstacles.

I also believe when there is an unspoken, but visceral bond between you and your SO (he IS your best friend, and vice versa), then you''re ready.

In addition to that -- I feel having a best friend whose judgements and opinions are required to make decisions in your relationship with your SO indicates an inability to fully commit to the relationship. By commitment, I mean trust in, be completely honest with, and learn fearlessness with your SO.

Just my opinion.
 
I think that it depends on when YOU stop growing...or at least changing at such rates that you don't recognize yourself from year to year. That's what happened to me, every year in college I came out of my shell by leaps and bounds, learned to let go of my introverted self more and more, and rely on people. Then I started out my Air Force career. Once again shy and unsure. Over the first year I found my legs, and then during the second summer exploded as far as confidence and being sure of myself. I've been almost the same person for the last two years, and dating my bf for a year and a half of that. The little bit of growing to be a better person was inspired by my bf in part, which is what only cements in my mind that he's the one, and I'm ready. Plus, my parents LOVE him, they haven't liked ANY of my previous bfs, but him, the adore. His parents adore me, I adore his parents. He's a lot like my dad, but improved where improvements were needed, I'm a lot like his dad, but a little more flexible when it comes to trying new things, lol.

Also, in my case, one of the most important reasonings is that he was in Iraq for eight months of our relationship, and during the whole time I never lost "that loving feeling". All through college I had bfs I only saw on the weekend except for one year, and often, after the first three months of the relationship I'd start to feel distanced in between seeing him. This time, not at all, even though we were limited to email, phone calls, and pictures. No other option at all. The way we handled that trial and separation is just one more reason why I know he's the one. And then everything that's happened since he got back is just the icing on the cake...
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(I forgot to mention, I'm turning 25 in August, and he's turning 26 in September, we've been dating for almost one and a half years.)
 
I also believe when there is an unspoken, but visceral bond between you and your SO (he IS your best friend, and vice versa), then you''re ready.

I have this and a spoken bond. I was ready to move in with my bf when I felt ready, just a gut feeling. It was when we talked about it and there was no questions no "I am not ready" it was...yea that seems like a logical next step.

After living together for awhile and seeing the best and worst of each other, through family deaths, housecleaning, hardwork, stress, new moments in life we just grew together.

I also think I was ready when WE were able to have separate lives without feeling "guilty" for not being with each other. We spent time with ourselves and our own friends, we spent time with mutural friends and then we spent time together.

It isn''t only how you act alone together, it is how you can be a couple socialize, with family etc.

My family told us that we were ready long after we had decided we were ready.

So I guess I just know because of my ability to communicate freely and openly with my bf as well as live my own separate life without him. When we are together we laugh, cry argue all the things that make a relationship work day to day. I love him while he snores, chews with his mouth open and when he tickles me at night.

Of course, no one can predict the future but I know that I would work my toochie off to make this last forever, it is totally worth it.
 
I''ve been observing that there''s differences in how one embraces responsibility and adulthood. midgirl, like you, I supported myself beyond the conventional age (I graduated from HS at 16, started college at 14, moved out of the house at 18 to honour my parents'' request). I have been working in software engineering ever since I was 17, while being exposed to a lot of older people with married lives and children. I also endured being a workaholic, but had my share of partying. When I was 24 (while engaged in the last, last relationship), I started dancing ballet, and over the past 6 years, increased my dancing (to almost 5 days a week), which decreased my interest in drinking. I always strived to do what grown-ups should do, but eventually, I found myself getting wrapped up in a world that required more work to fit into, rather than gradually growing into it (that was my perspective at 25, when I decided to forego marriage). Marriage would have been a badge of honour for me to wear around snobbish and rich social circles that my ex-fiance (a very successful engineer with the sprawling house, who gave me a $50k Tiffany Lucida diamond ring).

4 years later, my desire to be personally responsible has increased tenfold. This was marked by my last relationship with an incredibly fsck''ed up and misogynistic German man, who was really a boy with none of the personal discipline or confidence that a man my type should have. That forced me to grow up fast, after living in another country for a year, with full immersion, learning the language, and trying to make a relationship work with large language barrier.

I''m not saying that I''m a full-fledged adult who can''t learn anything now. But I am more responsible about where I put my time, energy, and patience than where I was when I was 25. After living abroad and uprooting my life for love (albeit foolishly), I''ve learned that fearlessness in relationships brings you closer to true love.

But yes, like all replies to this thread, opinions are different, as are circumstances and personalities. But I do believe that, while you can have many intense experiences in a short time, you''re really, truly ready to get married, when you can be in love, and love the man with all your heart, and trust in his commitment to you, after confronting any fears you have about the past, present, and future.
 
i''m almost 24; fiance is almost 23.

am i young? yes, i definitely am. my mom was married at 20 and when i was 20 i remember thinking, "god, there''s no WAY i''m ready for marriage." I was very commitment phobic ("oh, you love me? that''s great. um, i dont'' think this relationship is working" -- that''s the kind of conversation i''d have with guys i was dating), and then at some point things just CHANGED. finished school, my dad died, my priorities went a complete 180.

we have been engaged for 7.5 months now, and have another 4.5 to go before the wedding. we were only together for TWO MONTHS before we got engaged.

we own a house, a dog, and a life i never pictured for myself at this age.

i wouldn''t trade it for the world. :)
 
I think age does have a little to with it, just maturity wise. Some people aren''t mature enough for a commitment of that magnitude until they''re thirty, others are ready at 18. It depends on the people involved. I think a lot of also has to do with how much you''ve been through in your life. Some people grow up faster than others because of things theybeen through and they mature faster. A lot of people do change and grow as they get older and there may be a big difference mentally between 21 and 25, but I think half the fun of marriage is learning and growing together.
 
I just turned 25 yesterday, so I guess that qualifies me as wordly
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haha, just kidding! I think it''s a really indivual thing.

I was in a serious relationship when I was younger. My ex followed me 800 miles to the city where I went to college and we moved in together. And- we shortly after that realized that we loved each other, but there were some differences that just made us not right for each other. I think that had a bit to do with age, but definitely not everything. Having learned from that relationship, I knew a lot more about what I want in a forever mate. But it''s certainly possible to find that when you''re younger too. Though I am 25 now of course, I have been dating my fiance since I was barely 22 and I knew then!
 
Happy belated icekid!!! I met my boyfriend when I was 18, he was 20, now we are 23 and 24, I think the fact that we have grown from kids to (semi) adults together are are still growing together has really solidified the relationship at a young age, we have both changed alot and adapted. Getting through the heavy partying college years and coming out together in one piece says something, I feel like we have become whole people together.
 
wow i am a cheeseball
 
I think it''s tough to generalize for everyone, but personally that 18-24 range would have been too young for me to get engaged/married. I was still very financially dependent on my parents, not really sure where I was going with career/location/grad school, and all my previous relationships had been in the context of high school and college, when I was still doing a LOT of growing emotionally! Fortunately I was 23 and just finishing grad school when I met my boyfriend, and we were both at similar points in our lives, so we knew from the beginning this was going to be long-term and headed towards marriage. Now we''ll be 26 and 28 when we get engaged, which is perfect for us. Only in the last year or so have I felt truly ready to add "wife" to my personal descriptors!
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But in our social circle, this is pretty standard... most of our friends are very career/grad-school oriented, so there hasn''t been much of a rush to squeeze in engagements and weddings until those issues have been settled. However it has NOT been fun explaining to my parents (who had 2 kids by the time they were my age) why we''re not already married and reproducing. While my friends say "what''s the rush?"... my parents have spent the last 2 years asking "what''s the hold-up??"
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yeah...trying to hold the grad school/med school/job stuff together and plan a wedding is not going to be so easy. I feel much better after I realized I have four or five role model couples for me in academia. I have several mentors who have children and spouses, where the spouse is also in academia and works in a different city and commutes on a Tues-Thurs away, Fri-Monday home schedule. Most often this is Princeton to Penn, Penn to Columbia, New Haven to Penn, one couple did Harvard to Penn but that was especially tough for them.

Even the president of our college did this. It is very comforting to me to know that just because I will have tough "18-24" type decisions coming up there are people who have made the whole kit and kaboodle work even when things didn''t turn out picture perfect.
 
Not to hijack, but RainbowTrout are you Penn Med? I''m at Penn for psychology right now. If my boyfriend decides on law school, we might be factoring in one of those commutes too... glad to hear other people have survived it...
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Boy do i have to respond to this one!

I am 21 and am engaged. Everyone who really knows me, knows that i am definitely ready. If it just let it at "I''m engaged and 21," you might jump to conclusions too, as do others who don''t know me. but, here''s my background.

I grew up a Navy kid. I moved a lot and had to adapt to change as a child. I started taking college classes at 14 while in high school. When i went to college at 17, i completely supported myself using the scholarship money i won from cello competitions and from work. I worked fulltime for my whole undergrad career and still graduated double major in under three years. I''ve traveled, alone, to different countries and picked up 3 languages. I''ve had the party days, the lonely days, the happy days. The a**hole bf, the nice but psycho bf, the summer fling. the "i hate myself and want to die times," the "everything is great times" and everything in between.
my fiance has been my best friend since high school (we''ve been together for 3 years now).

both of my parents had cancer during my undergrad and after 40 hours at work and 20 hours at school a week, i would drive 45 miles to sit next to them while they went through chemo.

i''ve had 2 aunts, 2 uncles and a close friend die during college.

I''m done with school, still work too damn much but am happy with my line of work (oncology research and testing), and am saving up for a house. I have my 6 months proverbial "back up" money in the bank and i''m applying to grad school.

So when is ready? Financial stability, check. Emotional stability, check. Strong bond and knowing my fiance is my best friend, check. being able to help out my family and get through crises and not have it ruin my relationship, check.

When is ready? When you know is ready. Not everyone else. While i''m sure my 25-29 years will be as different as any other years, will i be more ready? What is it thats going to make me more ready? Nothing. I''m as ready as i''ll ever be.

It just bothers me when people look at age alone. How does anyone know that hasn''t gotten there if their 30-34 years are going to "better prepare" them. my mom got married at 19. some of my friends don''t even have boyfriends. and all are happy. what works for some does not work for all.

my .02

hope i didn''t offend.
 
This topic has been widely discussed on this forum.. and the bottom line is that there is no right answer. People grow and continue to change all their lives. The amount of growth which occurs is dependent on the circumstances surrounding that individual. Some change a great deal in their early twenties, some in their late twenties, some in their thirties, forties, fifties... In my opinion, the question of being prepared for marriage is not one of age, it is of when you find that someone with whom you can grow together.
 
I definitely wasn''t ready at 20-25. At 26-29, I thought I could be ready. When I hit my 30''s, I became less and less ready, probably because I became more set in my ways.

"Whaddaya mean, you NEED more closet space????"

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I remember, at 24, I had everything going for me. Financial stability, a loving fiance, a successful career, a fun hobby (ballet), lots of friends, a big 'ol rock, and living in a 5-story house, and managed to finish grieving over the loss of two friends, one being an recent ex-boyfriend to type 1 diabetes. I felt spiritually cared for, and contented. That's the simple run-down of it.

On the inside, I felt restless and needing some kind of excitement that comes with being in love, and being adored. It was strange, but I wasn't in love with my ex-fiance at all; he was incredibly brilliant and successful, but I felt my mind was still branching forth towards needing adventure. I also felt we lacked feelings of equality (there was a 16 year age difference, after all). This led me to infidelity and deception.

I know for myself, I wasn't ready to marry at 24, and not up until I turned 28, actually. I believe the reason for that was a natural inclination to declare a permanence with my BF, instead of self-imposing the guidelines for what is socially-conditioned personal, relationship, and social success.

Today, I don't own a house, and my car is a piece of crap. I have a good paying job, that gets me what I want, and affords vacations. But I have no bragging rights to anything -- no milestones that I could say which mark my success for my age. I also feel little inclination to impress anyone, and I believe that comes with age, experience, and who your circle of friends and familial influences are.

I am happy and appreciative of what I have, who I know, and how fortunate I am to take the opportunities I've been afforded. There are so many people I know who are mired in their fears enough to forego the realization that they can be happier. And I know that through all my experiences, where I have run the gamut of being a complete 4$$hole to a happy girlfriend, I won't have regrets from sowing my oats for as long, and as intensively as I have.

See, to me, the oat-sowing is the most important part of learning before getting married. I'm not saying you can't sow oats with your husband, but there are individual freedoms that one must seek, ride, and control for an unspecified time before they make a commitment that bears a lifetime of selfless responsibility, patience, and understanding.
 
Date: 4/19/2006 6:40:55 PM
Author: meepcat
See, to me, the oat-sowing is the most important part of learning before getting married. I''m not saying you can''t sow oats with your husband, but there are individual freedoms that one must seek, ride, and control for an unspecified time before they make a commitment that bears a lifetime of selfless responsibility, patience, and understanding.
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My boyfriend and I got together our senior year of high school. Our freshman year of college we moved in together and there was no time for "oat-sowing" between class and work and paying the bills. After that year we broke up because we felt like we weren''t *supposed* to be living the way we were. We were *supposed* to be out dating other people, drinking and partying like the other college kids around us did. So, we broke up, moved in with friends and tried to live that quintessential college life. We partied, and dated and traveled with friends.

We both hated it. We don''t seem to have an oat-sowing bone between us. But it did give us a greater appreciation for what we had together, so for that I guess it was a good thing.
 
as kalispera said, this has been widle debated. I"m just glad for you that you know that you are personally ready this time. :-) I just wanted to note to you that i wasn''t really replying to you directly, but to the greater public who might think that age matters with engagement. :-) Just wanted to clarify so you didn''t think i was jumping at you directly.

~cellososweet
 
Date: 4/19/2006 8:28:02 PM
Author: Rhapsody
Date: 4/19/2006 6:40:55 PM

Author: meepcat

See, to me, the oat-sowing is the most important part of learning before getting married. I''m not saying you can''t sow oats with your husband, but there are individual freedoms that one must seek, ride, and control for an unspecified time before they make a commitment that bears a lifetime of selfless responsibility, patience, and understanding.
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My boyfriend and I got together our senior year of high school. Our freshman year of college we moved in together and there was no time for ''oat-sowing'' between class and work and paying the bills. After that year we broke up because we felt like we weren''t *supposed* to be living the way we were. We were *supposed* to be out dating other people, drinking and partying like the other college kids around us did. So, we broke up, moved in with friends and tried to live that quintessential college life. We partied, and dated and traveled with friends.


We both hated it. We don''t seem to have an oat-sowing bone between us. But it did give us a greater appreciation for what we had together, so for that I guess it was a good thing.
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Funny, my parents always said that about having children, not marriage...supposed to able to let your spouse go and have adventures if they want to. That''s one of the favorite things about my relationship. Sure, I miss him when I do my random jaunts, but he would never tell me not to go. He has been such an angel about Morocco next yr. When you have children, though, I do think its a whole different can of worms. No dangerous ''adventures'' that mean you might no longer be around.

RE: college and oat-sowing. Yep, same thing happened to me. Hated it! That''s not oat-sowing, it''s using booze to avoid facing the fact that your life is either too stressful or too boring. I don''t know why its ok for college kids to be basically alcoholics and even looked at as "normal."
 
Very individual thing. We were engaged at 22 and 23 and married at 23 and 24....worked out so well for us, I guess it depends whether you want engagement and marriage at the same stage in your relationship or not. Funnily enough we didn''t consider ourselves that young at the time, but we were looking back! We had to decide quite quickly due to my Husband''s job if we wanted to get married or go our separate ways and we decided our futures were together. I don''t believe I would change a thing looking back, it took a leap of faith really but we both knew we wanted to be together come what may. I wouldn''t change my kind, handsome, crazy, hilarious Husband for the world! He might not say the same though about his very eccentric wife.....I am British though which means I can get away with it
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I agree with pretty much alot of what you said meepcat. I was engaged at 26, I can not even begin to imagine what my life would be like now. Not good. At the time I thought ''I''m 26, I''ve already had 2 friends get married, my turn'' however, I was in a horrible relationship and I was not mentally or emotionally ready to make such a commitment. I think back and think how young it was...for me.

Although I would have liked to already have been married before now, 34, that would have meant that I wouldn''t be with my FI and that''s just not acceptable. My life has gone the way it was meant too and if I hadn''t experienced the a**holes that I did, I wouldn''t have grown into the person I am today to be able to be with my FI and although my experienced really s*cked I wouldn''t change them.

Do I think 18-24 is too young to get engaged? A year ago I would have said ''HELL YES!'' thinking why would someone that young with so much life in front of them want to tie themselves down. But since meeting my FI, who is 8 years younger than me, I have learned that it has to do with the obvioius (maturity, and everything that goes along with that) which can come at any age. My FI is a country boy, I am a city girl. He has told me that if he had stayed in his hometown he would have already been married, his older probably married at 25 and most of his friends that stayed are married and starting to have kids.

Now my opinon has changed, I think as long as you are mature, you are financially secure or at least financially responsible, and are ready to stick through a marriage ''for better or for worse'' than you are ready. It could happen at 18 or it might not happen until 34.
 
Date: 4/17/2006 6:15:05 PM
Author: Diamonds are Hot!
Happy belated icekid!!! I met my boyfriend when I was 18, he was 20, now we are 23 and 24, I think the fact that we have grown from kids to (semi) adults together are are still growing together has really solidified the relationship at a young age, we have both changed alot and adapted. Getting through the heavy partying college years and coming out together in one piece says something, I feel like we have become whole people together.
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I feel the exact same way! When I met him we were both 19 and now we are 24. The other day I was thinking about how we used to be and how we are now and we have changed but grown together. Knowing him has made me want to be a better person and he believes in me. It is lovely to have someone like that. We also had the distance thing goin on after college and up till now, and it has been really hard but really great for us. We are great people apart and together and we don't "need" each other we choose to be together. I really don't think age has anything to do with it, it depends on the people.
 
Date: 4/20/2006 2:01:37 PM
Author: TxBlonde

We are great people apart and together and we don''t ''need'' each other we choose to be together.
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I really love how you phrased this... I''ve thought a lot about that, after years of growing and learning more about myself through various relationships, and have come to the conclusion that the relationship I am part of now is so strong because we are both so "whole" as people. I really agree that is what makes a relationship last over many years and through many changes... if you define yourself by the person you are with, every time that person changes, you are forced to re-define yourself. Instead, I think of my relationship now as enhancing and enriching and balancing the person that I already am... I don''t lose any of myself to be with him, just gain countless new ways of seeing and experiencing and enjoying my own life!

Just a little random philosophizing for a Thursday afternoon... bear with me...
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