Engaged young?

[Rhapsody]

Date: 4/20/2006 7:13:46 AM
Author: rainbowtrout

Funny, my parents always said that about having children, not marriage...supposed to able to let your spouse go and have adventures if they want to. That''s one of the favorite things about my relationship. Sure, I miss him when I do my random jaunts, but he would never tell me not to go. He has been such an angel about Morocco next yr. When you have children, though, I do think its a whole different can of worms. No dangerous ''adventures'' that mean you might no longer be around.


RE: college and oat-sowing. Yep, same thing happened to me. Hated it! That''s not oat-sowing, it''s using booze to avoid facing the fact that your life is either too stressful or too boring. I don''t know why its ok for college kids to be basically alcoholics and even looked at as ''normal.''

I dont know how to say this without it coming out kinda bad sounding, but most people aren''t like you

To them oat-sowing isn''t traveling to study and further their knowledge of other cultures. You''ve had some amazing opportunities and I don''t think I would have passed them up either.

There will be those amazing once in a life time opportunities that come up that sometimes that you have to take even if it means being away from the person you love. But no matter what path you choose you will always be missing out on something. For every experience you choose theres another one you have to give up. Every choice comes with an opportunity cost.

I don''t believe in "the one" for anything. Careers, schools, future mates. There are many MANY career paths and jobs I could persue that would make me happy. So I choose the one that would fit best with our relationship. It reminds me of the thread about whether someone who didn''t want to get married when you did could be "the one". I guess for me any job that requires me to be away from my boyfriend can''t be "the one" for me

We do what works best for both of us.

 

[meepcat]

Where did we get this idea of "the one?"

Who put it in our minds that we could expect "the one" to happen?

I honestly feel that it''s a fallacy which has been willfully (almost unbeknownst) ascribed to through social conditioning, American culture (the "American Dream"), and the "Feel Good Fantasy" of happiness in snapshots that suit our comfort levels.

It puts so much pressure and obligation in the relationship for each individual to fulfill an image they have of themselves, and of each other. It''s not honest, and its exhausting means obfuscate the possibility of realizing the actual person you''re with, and who you actually are.

I''d like to think of finding a man to marry for whatever reason, to finding a diamond to keep. I can keep looking for more diamonds, after I''ve found "the one," but what really makes it worthwhile to me, is that it meets the majority of my criteria (4 C''s, aesthetics, personality and character, et. al), just like I''d hope a man would, when we get to know each other. I didn''t expect this diamond to have what I wanted, but I appreciate that it does, and therefore I choose it. Likewise with my man -- I didn''t expect we''d fall in love, but here we are, and I appreciate him, so I love him, naturally.

Yes, there are better diamonds out there, and I''ve considered that -- but I consider that would be giving into greed and become a much more costly experience, with a higher theft potential, or my tastes might change to wish for something less flamboyant. All this would likely lead me back to where I am, which is contentment for this particular diamond that I''m waiting for. My man could be richer, or more muscular, or more agreeable with me on subjects I don''t want to argue -- but that would be too easy. The challenges he presents me highlight the personality and character that I crave. I wouldn''t exchange much of who he is now, for anything he already isn''t.

I might add, for the better part of the past 2 years of our relationship, he was the pauper, and I was paying the bills and affording our vacations. If you asked me a year ago, if I would want something better: probably not, but I''d certainly be on my man (just like I was, actually) about getting a better-paying job to set a better precedent for our future together.

I never really think of finding "the one man for me," I feel that it''s obvious by being together that we''re a comfortable match. But we still get closer to each other, with the hope that we''ll have a better long-term understanding together.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 4/17/2006 7:55:01 PM
Author: ephemery1
Not to hijack, but RainbowTrout are you Penn Med? I''m at Penn for psychology right now. If my boyfriend decides on law school, we might be factoring in one of those commutes too... glad to hear other people have survived it...

No, I''m an undergrad graduating in may. I''m on facebook if you want

I sure wish FI would get into Penn Med when he applies through!

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 4/20/2006 4:44:46 PM
Author: meepcat
Where did we get this idea of ''the one?''


Who put it in our minds that we could expect ''the one'' to happen?


I honestly feel that it''s a fallacy which has been willfully (almost unbeknownst) ascribed to through social conditioning, American culture (the ''American Dream''), and the ''Feel Good Fantasy'' of happiness in snapshots that suit our comfort levels.


It puts so much pressure and obligation in the relationship for each individual to fulfill an image they have of themselves, and of each other. It''s not honest, and its exhausting means obfuscate the possibility of realizing the actual person you''re with, and who you actually are.


I''d like to think of finding a man to marry for whatever reason, to finding a diamond to keep. I can keep looking for more diamonds, after I''ve found ''the one,'' but what really makes it worthwhile to me, is that it meets the majority of my criteria (4 C''s, aesthetics, personality and character, et. al), just like I''d hope a man would, when we get to know each other. I didn''t expect this diamond to have what I wanted, but I appreciate that it does, and therefore I choose it. Likewise with my man -- I didn''t expect we''d fall in love, but here we are, and I appreciate him, so I love him, naturally.


Yes, there are better diamonds out there, and I''ve considered that -- but I consider that would be giving into greed and become a much more costly experience, with a higher theft potential, or my tastes might change to wish for something less flamboyant. All this would likely lead me back to where I am, which is contentment for this particular diamond that I''m waiting for. My man could be richer, or more muscular, or more agreeable with me on subjects I don''t want to argue -- but that would be too easy. The challenges he presents me highlight the personality and character that I crave. I wouldn''t exchange much of who he is now, for anything he already isn''t.


I might add, for the better part of the past 2 years of our relationship, he was the pauper, and I was paying the bills and affording our vacations. If you asked me a year ago, if I would want something better: probably not, but I''d certainly be on my man (just like I was, actually) about getting a better-paying job to set a better precedent for our future together.


I never really think of finding ''the one man for me,'' I feel that it''s obvious by being together that we''re a comfortable match. But we still get closer to each other, with the hope that we''ll have a better long-term understanding together.

I really agree with this. IMO, part of marriage is realizing that no matter if "the One" comes along, this is the person whose back you''ve got, this is the person who you will come home to every night and be there when the need you. There is no instant match for that--it is something you create every day. So "the one" is really a product of years of acceptances and disappointments and loyalty and love, etc. I do think people ignore the fact that some amount of disappointment in a relationship is just part of life...

 

[Dandi]

My fiance and I were engaged last year, when I was 22 and he 29 at the time (we are now 24 and 30 respectively). I suppose in our case it was a matter of timing, obviously amongst other things... I have never been a fan of the whole dating scene, I don''t drink and get very tired very easily of nightclubs. So I was always happier to be ''with'' someone, monogamously. FH, on the other hand, had ''been there and done that''... he was 24 when I met him (I was 17) and had really had a gutful of the whole dating scene himself, having been through several long-term relationships that hadn''t worked out.

As it turns out, he contemplated marriage with his ex-girlfriend with whom he broke up just prior to meeting me. He was at the stage where he was ready and happy to commit... just not to marry quite yet. He wanted a permanent, long-term relationship that still allowed him to follow his career-related goals, and other dreams (he wanted to buy a house, but on his own) with the ultimate view of getting married once he had fulfilled his dreams. Which is fine... but his girlfriend at the time didn''t want a bar of that. She wanted to buy a house with him, get married straight away, have children, the whole works, and really put herself in front of his aspirations he had set and so badly wanted. He knew what they were doing was wrong... he didn''t want to get in her way of finding happiness and marriage, he didn''t want her to stop him from achieving his life goals. So it ended.

She has since discovered the raging party scene and has dated several guys (FH was her first boyfriend) and feels she has discovered what she was always ''missing out on'', and now wonders if she would have regretted rushing into married life. FH and I met not long after, and as I was only 17, I still had an entire university course to complete, a career to pursue, and I also wanted to purchase my first property alone and unaided, as he wanted to. Once we really got to know each other (we hit it off from the word go) we discovered that we really understood what each other wanted... permanent commitment with the benefit of achieveing our goals solo, while growing with and learning from each other along the way. We''re best friends to boot, and have an awesome time together, whether it be at a party with friends, or a quiet night on the couch with pizza and a DVD.

Woooooooow... long ramble, OK I''ll wrap it up... sorry

Loooong story short, fast forward 6.5 years... FH has had his own house for 5 years, I have had my own for 2 years, we are building our dream home together, we both have the wonderful careers we always aspired to have and will be married next year. I think through all my mindless prattling I''ve tried to make the point that timing has alot to do with it, ie. being with the right person at the right stage in your life, who you share a fulfilling relationship with, whilst letting you be yourself and possess a life of your own.

TxBlonde''s comment on not needing each other, but choosing to be together, really rings true. Well put!