Engagement competition?

[misscuppycake]

Obviously all you LIW''s out there are truly in love, want to get married, and aren''t just getting engaged to fit in but do any of you ever feel like there is at least a BIT of competition in the whole "who gets engaged first" business? Maybe you''re not 100% ready (financially, emotionally, or whatever) but it just makes you want to get married even more when you hear of peers and friends tying the knot? How much do you think this plays into your desire to finally have S/O pop the question?

 

[meresal]

No competition here... I'll be the maid of honour in 2 weddings next year. I'll be taking my sweet little time whenever I start planning.

 

[Deelight]

No comp here either I have been with BF for the longest out of all my friends and they have all gotten engaged or married before me more power to them .

If you start competing on things with your friends then it becomes a vicious cycle that doesn''t end.

 

[Bia]

Not competition (most of my friends are still loving being single!) but more so societal/familial pressures. When you''re in your mid to late twenties and you''ve been with your SO for awhile, the questions start rolling in. I am 26 but some of the older biddies in our families have been asking me since I was 24 when we are planning to get married! They don''t understand what we are waiting for!? Then again, these broads were married at like 15, so go figure.

And its fine. Its a different generation.

 

[Dreamgirl]

hmmmm no competition. But seems like so many girls in the LIW area on PS come and go so quickly that it makes me a little sad I guess because I know Im going to be here for a while yet. Its sort of sad to see them go and leave me behind here......lol

lol! (Obviously Im happy for each and every one of you! Sometimes I just want to come with to the BWW area!)

 

[Lauren8211]

I don''t think of it as competition. I would never hurry up something I''m not ready for just to "compete." However, I may feel a slight twinge of jealousy when other''s get engaged. Not that I''m not happy for them, but I can''t wait to marry my FF, and sometimes it stings when other''s get engaged.

I try not to focus on those negative feelings, because they will make their way into your relationship whether you mean for them to or not. If you feel like you''re "losing" at something, you''ll start to resent your SO.

Just be happy that you have a fabulous relationship, and take solace in the fact that it WILL happen for you. That''s how I deal.

 

[jcarlylew]

no, but then again i do feel the pressure from the married folks. although right now (since i really only have 1 girl best friend and 4 good friends who are not in the market to get married) i don''t feel the pressure at all. Boyf on the other hand... almost all of his good friends are married/engaged/family with kids/ect keep on asking him when he''s going to pop the question.

i love it!

 

[fieryred33143]

I spent an entire week feeling sorry for myself because my coworkers that once used to ask me when I was getting engaged moved on to someone else and started asking her. LOL Being a LIW is rough. Now I’m over the anxiety because we have the ring and we’re moving forward with talks of the actual wedding but I had my really bad days.

 

[mimzy]

i think that the competition/jealousy thing is a very very real emotion that a lot of people have, even if they don''t have a mean or competitive bone in their body. of course VERY few people would ever admit it, but i would be very surprised if not everyone had a little voice in their heads that they had to tell to shush at least once (and some obviously more than once). i think that most people, no matter how secure they are in themselves and in their relationship are susceptible to feeling irked by it - if not, then this board wouldn''t be full of posts saying "my best friend just got engaged! i''m so HAPPY but........". even if you don''t recognize it as competition or call it that, it''s there. if it wasn''t, then when others got engaged those who were waiting would feel NO different than they did any other day. and it''s not a malicious thing, centered on the other person: it''s not as if people actively think "I want to get engaged before THEM" (obviously that would be getting engaged for the wrong reasons).

very few people would ever openly admit that they felt competitive about getting engaged - and you''d be in for a world of ridicule if you did.


or maybe i''m totally off and competition and jealousy have nothing to do with one another. shrug.

 

[KCCutie]

I don''t think it is nor should it be a competition. It''s not a game it''s your life and you should move along at whatever pace is right for you. That''s how I see it.

That being said if it were a competition of any sort I''ve lost....and I don''t care! I love my SO and I don''t care how many times I get lapped b/c in the end it will be worth it (not to say I won''t have any more LIWitis but in the end I know this is true).

My SO on the other hand, had a totally backwards version of this perceived competition. He was competing to be single the longest. He won his game...maybe I should play by his rules I''d be winning too!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/22/2008 2:53:22 PM
Author: mimzy
i think that the competition/jealousy thing is a very very real emotion that a lot of people have, even if they don''t have a mean or competitive bone in their body. of course VERY few people would ever admit it, but i would be very surprised if not everyone had a little voice in their heads that they had to tell to shush at least once (and some obviously more than once). i think that most people, no matter how secure they are in themselves and in their relationship are susceptible to feeling irked by it - if not, then this board wouldn''t be full of posts saying ''my best friend just got engaged! i''m so HAPPY but........''. even if you don''t recognize it as competition or call it that, it''s there. if it wasn''t, then when others got engaged those who were waiting would feel NO different than they did any other day. and it''s not a malicious thing, centered on the other person: it''s not as if people actively think ''I want to get engaged before THEM'' (obviously that would be getting engaged for the wrong reasons).

very few people would ever openly admit that they felt competitive about getting engaged - and you''d be in for a world of ridicule if you did.


or maybe i''m totally off and competition and jealousy have nothing to do with one another. shrug.

Well Mimzy, you found someone who could surprise you.

For some women, marriage and family is not a priority. If that is really the case, then there would be no feeling of competition in this area.

I was the last of my friends to get married. I (and they) predicted that would be the case. Why? Because my priorities in my 20''s were building a kick-a** career path and having a blast traveling. When all my friends got engaged, I was truly happy for them...but also felt a bit sorry for them (go figure...projecting my priorities on their life) because they would have to settle down so early and be able to do so many of the things they said they wanted to do.

Now, I will fully admit that when one of my friends got a raise or promotion, I felt that competitive drive kick in!

 

[mimzy]

ah, tgal i even thought of you before i typed that (thinking "hmm probably for most women everywhere, except for people like tgal, etc")! silly generalizations and me not clarifying myself

i was speaking specifically of people on the LIW board, and consequently assigned it as a priority to everyone i was referring to. (priority in this case = is important and is actively looked forward to, even if not the MOST important thing, etc).

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I can see this from both sides.

TravleingGal, I too have seen girls around me getting married and thought "ugh, I'm so glad I didn't bit that bullet." The only time I get a bit competitive is when I hear of someone I know getting engaged and using a detail I told them about for the wedding. For example, telling someone what wedding colors you think would be really pretty, they get engaged first and pick those colors. Ugh. That's more of an annoyance than a competition thing.

People are competitve by nature. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling an occasional pang of jealousy, but I do think beating someone to the punch just for the sake of "winning" is rather ridiculous.

ETA: I have an older sister who will make a comment once in awhile such as "you better not get married before me." Sibling competition is a horse of a different color.

 

[absolut_blonde]

None of my close female friends are anywhere near marriage -- many of them are still single, even. So there''s no sense of competition there. And even if they were fellow LIW or already engaged/married, I think I''d be happy for them.

HOWEVER... I will admit to a bit of the green-eyed monster with regards to acquaintances. I don''t know if competition is even the right word for it, but I''m admittedly a teensy bit envious of some of SO''s friend''s fiancees/wives. But it''s more like a "why not me too?" feeling than a "darn her" thing.

 

[BriBee]

I would say that I felt the exact opposite of competitive. My best friend and I went through a lot of the LIW stuff, engagement talk at the same time. I really wanted her to get engaged first because they had been together longer and it just felt like that''s the way it *should* be. I know it never ends up the way we think and timetables are different for every couple, but that''s just what I was hoping for. I ended up engaged first and I thought: "I hope best friend gets engaged soon" because I really didn''t want to beat her to it. In either case, they got engaged just a few weeks after we did and I was soooo excited! Now her wedding will be a year before mine and I joke with her that I''ll be able to learn all the things NOT to do by seeing all of her drama. And she told me that she''s figuring out the best ways to plan showers, bachelorettes, etc... by watching all of the crap I''m dealing with

 

[trillionaire]

I am glad that I was never a girl who was dying to get married or engaged. I get to hear about engagements and be excited. I am still very fascinated with our societies marriage rituals, and I entertain the details much like hearing about a museum exhibit or some social experiment. It doesn't feel like real life to me, just some odd thing that happens that I don't really relate to. (I know, that sounds really weird)

I would like to get engaged someday, and then elope, but whenever I see weddings, it just reaffirms to me that I don't want one. And I kind of resent the expectations that are imposed on you, like brides are cookie cutters expected to all do the same things.

Honestly, the only change that I really want is a local, rather than LDR relationship. I do, however, dislike the looks or curiosity and/or pity that come when we say we have been dating for nearly 5 years... a lot of "poor girl" looks.

It is funny to hear people pressuring SO though, it's kind of like hearing everyone tell him "she's great and you are an idiot if you don't marry her..."

So no competition here... I didn't want to be married at 25, and yes, I would rather travel. And, if I don't have kids, then I will always be able to travel!

 

[ringless]

I will be honest and say that it does hurt and I do feel jealous when my friends get engaged or when I hear of someone getting engaged. Of course i'm happy, but I can't help but feel a little jealous and wish it was me...isn't that how we all feel? Isn't that why were on a LIW message board? I wouldn't say it is competition, in my case i'm just ready.

 

[lala2332]

I was never ever dying to get engaged. I''m in law school...I would not sign up for that torture, just to get married and have babies...haha.

BUT, now that I''m with BF and am truly ready to get married, when I see others get engaged, I just can''t wait for it to be me. I don''t think I''m jealous that they got enegaged or trying to compete, it just makes me say, "I want that too!"

I know people that are competative though...My bestfriend growing up was highly competative with me and I am so glad that she was the first, by a lot, to get enegaged and married, b/c I think she would have freaked if it had been reversed.

 

[sunnyd]

I don''t have anyone to compete WITH! All my friends are already married and having babies. They''re in their own competition I think...seriously they are! I better hurry if I wanna catch up...!!!

Engagment, marriage, house, boat, baby. Can it be done in a year? LOL. Oh and trips to Mexico mixed in there. Then we''ll be ranked.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/22/2008 4:36:15 PM
Author: sunnyd
I don''t have anyone to compete WITH! All my friends are already married and having babies. They''re in their own competition I think...seriously they are! I better hurry if I wanna catch up...!!!

Engagment, marriage, house, boat, baby. Can it be done in a year? LOL. Oh and trips to Mexico mixed in there. Then we''ll be ranked.

We have to get boats now too!?! I can get down with THAT competition, lol!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 7/22/2008 5:32:42 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 7/22/2008 4:36:15 PM
Author: sunnyd
I don''t have anyone to compete WITH! All my friends are already married and having babies. They''re in their own competition I think...seriously they are! I better hurry if I wanna catch up...!!!

Engagment, marriage, house, boat, baby. Can it be done in a year? LOL. Oh and trips to Mexico mixed in there. Then we''ll be ranked.

We have to get boats now too!?! I can get down with THAT competition, lol!

Yep. And/or jetskis. They used to all have ATVs too!!! Thankfully the kids starting popping up or that would have been another thing!!!

 

[ladypirate]

I''m excited to get married, but I don''t think it''s a competition. One of my best friends is marrying her boyfriend of 5 years next summer and I''m so happy for her! I would hate to begrudge her a wonderful marriage simply because I want it too.

 

[TheNextMrsB]

I was ready to marry my boyfriend after about six months of dating. (My parents AND my mother''s parents got engaged after about four months of dating-it''s just my genetics, I guess.) In the past year I had two coworkers recieve proposals from guys they had been dating for only a few months. I was pretty jealous. During rough shifts, myself and one of the coworkers would joke about how much we just wanted to get married so we could quit our job and have babies. I didn''t feel like I was competing with her (I thought we were joking.) until she told me she was engaged and added, "don''t worry-I''m sure it''ll happen for you, too."

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/22/2008 3:11:10 PM
Author: mimzy
ah, tgal i even thought of you before i typed that (thinking ''hmm probably for most women everywhere, except for people like tgal, etc'')! silly generalizations and me not clarifying myself

i was speaking specifically of people on the LIW board, and consequently assigned it as a priority to everyone i was referring to. (priority in this case = is important and is actively looked forward to, even if not the MOST important thing, etc).

Haha Mimzy. But I knew what ya meant. And for the most part I agree.

 

[taovandel]

there''s a tiny bit of rivalry on my part. I''ve been discussing my wedding details (not officially engaged yet...but we''ve started planning) at work and a coworkers daughter is possibly getting engaged at the end of next month, and the coworker told her daughter where I planned on getting married, and now the daughter is interested in the place also! I went home and told the bf, we had to hurry up before she stole my venue/ideas. The venue is a tiny bit unique as it is at an aquarium....so I''ll be a bit upset if she has the wedding there before me....

but other than this one situation...no rivalry.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/22/2008 3:35:55 PM
Author: trillionaire
I am glad that I was never a girl who was dying to get married or engaged. I get to hear about engagements and be excited. I am still very fascinated with our societies marriage rituals, and I entertain the details much like hearing about a museum exhibit or some social experiment. It doesn''t feel like real life to me, just some odd thing that happens that I don''t really relate to. (I know, that sounds really weird)


I would like to get engaged someday, and then elope, but whenever I see weddings, it just reaffirms to me that I don''t want one. And I kind of resent the expectations that are imposed on you, like brides are cookie cutters expected to all do the same things.

Honestly, the only change that I really want is a local, rather than LDR relationship. I do, however, dislike the looks or curiosity and/or pity that come when we say we have been dating for nearly 5 years... a lot of ''poor girl'' looks.

It is funny to hear people pressuring SO though, it''s kind of like hearing everyone tell him ''she''s great and you are an idiot if you don''t marry her...''

So no competition here... I didn''t want to be married at 25, and yes, I would rather travel. And, if I don''t have kids, then I will always be able to travel!

Trillionaire, are we twins?

I''m 22. I love my BF and do hope to marry him....someday. In many years. Right now I want to get work experience and go get my Masters. I want to learn a third language, and travel. I want to go places with my friends and have great times with everybody, BF, friends, family, etc. I don''t want to be tied down. Marriage at this point seems like a huge, smothering thing that people put themselves through (ok, that comes out sounding terrible. But believe me, when my friend got married a few weekends ago, I was dancing and celebrating, because it was exactly right for HER, no matter how I would feel in a similar situation). I look forward to it in several years, but right now it seems like some crazy thing.

So no, I don''t feel a bit of competition. When my friends get engaged, I''m thrilled for them, and will happily talk about their weddings and engagements and everything for hours. But for me? No thanks. Not yet.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/22/2008 10:10:59 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 7/22/2008 3:35:55 PM

Author: trillionaire

I am glad that I was never a girl who was dying to get married or engaged. I get to hear about engagements and be excited. I am still very fascinated with our societies marriage rituals, and I entertain the details much like hearing about a museum exhibit or some social experiment. It doesn''t feel like real life to me, just some odd thing that happens that I don''t really relate to. (I know, that sounds really weird)



I would like to get engaged someday, and then elope, but whenever I see weddings, it just reaffirms to me that I don''t want one. And I kind of resent the expectations that are imposed on you, like brides are cookie cutters expected to all do the same things.

Honestly, the only change that I really want is a local, rather than LDR relationship. I do, however, dislike the looks or curiosity and/or pity that come when we say we have been dating for nearly 5 years... a lot of ''poor girl'' looks.

It is funny to hear people pressuring SO though, it''s kind of like hearing everyone tell him ''she''s great and you are an idiot if you don''t marry her...''

So no competition here... I didn''t want to be married at 25, and yes, I would rather travel. And, if I don''t have kids, then I will always be able to travel!

Trillionaire, are we twins?


I''m 22. I love my BF and do hope to marry him....someday. In many years. Right now I want to get work experience and go get my Masters. I want to learn a third language, and travel. I want to go places with my friends and have great times with everybody, BF, friends, family, etc. I don''t want to be tied down. Marriage at this point seems like a huge, smothering thing that people put themselves through (ok, that comes out sounding terrible. But believe me, when my friend got married a few weekends ago, I was dancing and celebrating, because it was exactly right for HER, no matter how I would feel in a similar situation). I look forward to it in several years, but right now it seems like some crazy thing.


So no, I don''t feel a bit of competition. When my friends get engaged, I''m thrilled for them, and will happily talk about their weddings and engagements and everything for hours. But for me? No thanks. Not yet.

I always thought 27 was a good age to get married. I turn 26 next month, and my brother is 27! I am thinking about adjusting my definition of good age, lol! I still feel like a kid, and SO and I are happy and enjoying ourselves. I don''t see the rush to "the rest of our lives." If we get there together, fantastic! If not, he is making room for "the one", since he doesn''t feel that he is it. All good things! That being said, I suspect that he has already bought a ring... lol.

 

[honey22]

No competition either. I do feel a little wistful when I hear of someone getting engaged, but I know it will be our time soon, and all the more waiting will just make it better I guess.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Well, this is my first post in this area, but I had to reply to this one.

I am happy where me and my BF are and we are talking about a future. A bunch of my co-workers have gotten engaged, and a big group of us all are in long term relationships. Two weeks ago, another girl got engaged, and now there are only 2 of us left who are not engaged or married (2 years ago there were 5). Since than, people will not get off my back. I get asked about everyother day "so when is he going to propose?" Like I know??? And than one of the guys going around saying "and than there were two." When I finally asked them why everyone was putting the pressure on me the response was "well you two have been together the longest so you should be next." I am thinking, like my BF knows how long everyone at work has been in a relationship and thinks that is what sets his timeline?

So I don''t feel like I want to be in a competition, I want to work on our timeline and not everyone elses. I just have to find a tactful way to shut everyone up.

Sorry, had to vent.

 

[vita*dolce]

This may sound crazy, but until recently, when I would hear about people getting engaged, I would think to myself, "Better her than me."

I guess it just took the right man to make me think marriage might not be such a bad idea, after all.

However, when my bf and I started talking about engagement, my sister ran into an old friend of mine in a bar and told her that he and I were thinking about getting married and she actually said, "What?! I always thought I''d beat her down the aisle." My sister was like.. "uh, ok."

silly girl.