Engagement competition?

[PrincessDijon]

Honestly, I must admit that I am not as fixated on it as I was the first time around....I was married once already. However, I am anxious at the fact knowing that I have found the perfect person this time but that the engagement is so far off because I am starting over. Now, because I am the "divorced/newly dating" one and all of my other acquaintances are finally settling down for the first time, I get the haunting of the green monster deep down because I want my happily ever after to start already! (again)....Silly me...lol.

I am just glad that PS is here and it makes me feel like I am not invalidated for feeling the way I feel sometimes!

 

[supergirl10]

I will have to say yes, just a little. I almost agree with everything you said absolute blonde.

But none of my 3 best friends are anywhere near marriage whatsoever so that is not a concern at all to me. Maybe with acquaintances because i keep thinking it won''t be long now and wish it was my turn etc.

Have to admit i was upset when lil sis (19) got engaged to her bf of 5 mths. Just because we were just about to get engaged and i have been waiting for a while. Its really really silly but i am the oldest and i just expected that i would be first (please don''t say anything mean) im sure someone can relate. But mostly i am concerned for her because i think she is too young, they haven''t dated for long enough and they are both engaged for the wrong reasons but i really hope it works out in the end.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I can honestly say that I never felt an ounce of competition or jealousy when my close friends were getting married a few years ago. I did sometimes feel self conscious that other people might think I was jealous though, and that botehred me. For example, one friend''s mother would keep asking me, "when are you getting married?!" because she is just so set on everyone being in love, not because she was trying to be mean. My friend would chime in, "She''s dating too many guys to pick just one to marry, mom" or something like that to show that I was living it up as a single girl, not sitting at home wishing for my prince. I love my friends. Another time, we were at a shower, and all trying on bridesmaids'' gowns for the two different weddings that were being planned - just to take a fun picture since the dresses were in and all the normal guests had left. One of the mothers looked at me, beaming with the lovey dovey googly eyes and said, "oh, just think - it''s your turn next!" Again, these women love me and didn''t mean to make me uncomfortable, so I just took it as them caring about me, but I didn''t like feeling like other people might think I wasn''t happy. oh well!


That being said, I may not have felt jealousy at wedding time, but I did get hit with the green-eyed bug a few years later once everyone had a new house and all the other wonderful things that a two income household afford. I wasn''t jealous of the marriage because I knew my time was going to be right for me, but I was jealous of everyone moving on to the next stage of life without me. I may not be ready to marry, but I''m ready to decorate a new house!

hehe, that was a very short lived feeling though, and I even laughed at the time knowing it was silly.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

I don't feel competitive about it- but I do have to admit that I covet the engagement as well! I know it will happen for me one day, its just that LIW-itis kicking in! I'm super happy for my friends that have found the right guy. However, I do know some people that are getting married for the wrong reasons (want the ring, wedding, and not really the marriage) and that drives me nuts. I know that when FF and I finally get engaged and married the wait will be well worth it and we will be together forever. I do get that inside voice saying "when is it going to be us?!" when some of my friends get engaged- but that doesn't take away from my happiness for them at all. I've been a bridesmaid too many times to count and I have loved it every single time- I just can't wait to be the bride myself one day *soon*!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

I felt this way one time. It was about two years ago and this couple that Mr. Man and I knew got engaged. They weren’t a very good match constantly fighting, having screaming matches, extremely jealous, and there had been some infidelity… all in just a year that they had been together.

They got engaged and for a split second I thought to myself. That isn’t fair. My relationship is wonderful and I’m nowhere close to getting married yet! And THEY are getting married?!?!

About a split second after I thought it… I realized what a silly thing that is to think. There are no “qualifications” to get married. There is nobody to say “well your relationship is great… so welcome to the married club!” I was embarrassed to even know that I compared myself and my relationship to someone else… and I never did it again…..yet. haha!

What it comes down to is other people’s life decisions are their own and you can’t possibly compare yourself and your life to someone else’s. If you do… well I think it can be a slippery slope, constantly wanting something that isn’t in front of you.

I think it is natural to a certain extent… but I just prefer to focus on the positives.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Date: 7/23/2008 10:35:25 AM
Author: Kayakqueen83
I felt this way one time. It was about two years ago and this couple that Mr. Man and I knew got engaged. They weren’t a very good match constantly fighting, having screaming matches, extremely jealous, and there had been some infidelity… all in just a year that they had been together.


They got engaged and for a split second I thought to myself. That isn’t fair. My relationship is wonderful and I’m nowhere close to getting married yet! And THEY are getting married?!?!


About a split second after I thought it… I realized what a silly thing that is to think. There are no “qualifications” to get married. There is nobody to say “well your relationship is great… so welcome to the married club!” I was embarrassed to even know that I compared myself and my relationship to someone else… and I never did it again…..yet. haha!


What it comes down to is other people’s life decisions are their own and you can’t possibly compare yourself and your life to someone else’s. If you do… well I think it can be a slippery slope, constantly wanting something that isn’t in front of you.


I think it is natural to a certain extent… but I just prefer to focus on the positives.

Good perspective Kayak, thanks!

 

[Amzizzle]

I don''t feel a competition at all,especially in the situation I''m in right now. Two other couples were good friends with have both gotten engaged in the past two months and are relationships all started within 6 months of eachother. So I''m surrounded by wedding details,and the new shiny rings and whatnot,and honestly it''s actually fun to be in the midst of all of it and helping out and everything. Do I wish it was me? OF COURSE! but I''ll have my time to and when it comes they''ll listen and just as excited for me.

 

[loveydovey]

Yes! In real life.....I feel as if one of my good friends is on this mission to ''beat'' me (for lack of better word) and get engaged first

. It''s late, so I''ll come back and post more about it tomorrow

 

[havernell]

Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/22/2008 2:53:22 PM

Well Mimzy, you found someone who could surprise you.

I was the last of my friends to get married. I (and they) predicted that would be the case. Why? Because my priorities in my 20's were building a kick-a** career path and having a blast traveling. When all my friends got engaged, I was truly happy for them...but also felt a bit sorry for them (go figure...projecting my priorities on their life) because they would have to settle down so early and be able to do so many of the things they said they wanted to do.

Amen to that, Tgal! I will be six months shy of 30 when we get married next year and a part of me still feels like I am "too young" to get married. For me, my 20s were about just being "me" (and everything that entailed from career/grad school, to traveling independently, to learning who I *truly* was- and believe me, I'm still learning!). I really didn't want to be among the first few of my friends to be married. I had in my head that getting married young signaled to others and myself that I wasn't a dedicated scholar or someone who took myself seriously as a modern woman. Now, I will FULLY admit that that sentiment is *just as crazy* as wanting to get engaged so badly that it becomes and obsession/competition, but that's how I felt. I too use to look at family friends getting married right out of college and think to myself that they were wasting an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn to be an individual first before becoming part of a pair. However, you said it well when you said that kind of thinking is just projecting your priorities onto others lives, and I've recently come to realize that I need to stop doing that because my values/goals aren't shared by everyone (as much as I may think they should be!)

Anyway, I'm just babbling now, but just wanted to say that I'm right there with you. My now-fiance was the one who kept brining up engagement after four years of dating and I was the one saying "eh, why don't we wait a little longer". I do feel better now that more and more of my friends are getting married and engaged (what can I say we're a career oriented-late marriage bunch). But yes, there are a few of us out there who were "competing" (usually with ourselves) to be the last ones to get married!!

 

[havernell]

Ugh, I totally messed up the quoting in the post above and now it''s too late to edit. Anyway, that was me who wrote the paragraphs under the first box, not Tgal, even though the larger outer box makes it look like she wrote it. Sorry!!

 

[lala2332]

I''m not in a competition, but I def. start to get that "when will it be MY TURN!" issues. In my head I picture sounding like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory..."I want to be engaged NOW!"

One of BF''s good friends got engaged this weekend. So happy for him, his ex was awful and this new girl seems great...i haven''t met her yet. I''m so happy for them, but part of me wants to stamp my foot and tell BF to get on the ball!!!! hehe.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m with T''Gal on this one. This never crossed my mind, nor my friends'' minds so far as I know. In fact, I think it''s extremely childish, which is probably why Mimzy says it''s a thought she and others try to ''push down''. It''s also likely to cloud your judgment on what is the most important decision of your life in terms of your future happiness. As my grandmother says, there is nothing worse than marrying the wrong man, and nothing better than marrying the right one!

When it comes to competitiveness, nobody really cares about you except you. So it''s not like you''re "showing them who''s got it", or whatever. They''ll give you 2 minutes thought and move on. So if you want to take even a tiny risk of ruining your life to make your friends jealous for 2 minutes, then hey.