Engagement without a wedding date...

[musey]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:51:11 PM
Author: iheartbora

Date: 5/12/2009 12:15:49 PM
Author: musey
Okay, here''s my take. I personally don''t like the idea of first deciding when you want to be married, then ''working backward'' as you say. Maybe because I''ve personally had bad experiences with it... ie. known couples who rushed into engagement/marriage because their nebulous idea of an ''ideal wedding date'' was fast approaching. To me, getting engaged is about feeling ready, not meeting a deadline.

If you were to ask me what I think is completely ''normal,'' I would say that getting engaged when you are ready to be married is ''normal.'' To me, getting engaged means ''I am ready to marry you, and would tomorrow if plans allowed.'' So the wedding would basically occur at the soonest convenient opportunity.

HOWEVER, everyone is obviously different. To some people, getting engaged means ''I want to marry you at some point in the future.''


That may be slightly different than what you''re asking, I''m not sure. To answer your question, we did not know our wedding date (or vague idea of wedding date) until ~4 weeks post-proposal. The engagement came when we were ready, and we figured out a good wedding date once we were engaged. That date also changed once we went to book our venue (almost 17 months ahead of time) and the date we wanted was already taken.

The number one question post-proposal may be ''when''s the big day'' (although for us it was ''how did he propose?''), but the number one answer to that question is ''we don''t know yet, maybe sometime next fall.''

This is inline with what I have in mind as well... get engaged when I am ready to be married. But the ''ready'' that I''m referring to is more towards emotionally ready. Just like some of the LIW, there are a lot of outside factors (be it money, schedules, etc) that play a role in deciding the wedding date... so until we know when we are ''physically ready'', I find it hard to decide on the big day.

And yes, the #1 question should be the ring and proposal, especially on PS

I think this falls into the "at the soonest convenient opportunity" category that I referenced.

Of course if we''re getting down to the nitty gritty, the vast majority of couples could get married tomorrow if they really wanted to, regardless of finances/schedules/etc. So when I say that engagement means "I would marry you tomorrow if plans allowed," that''s what I''m talking about. That logistics are the only thing standing in the couples'' way.

I know lots of couples who just feel ready for that "next step," so they get engaged - but even if logistics allowed they would absolutely not walk down that aisle "tomorrow." They''re getting engaged because while they''re not ready now, they feel that they will be in ___ years. That works for a lot of couples, but it really wouldn''t work for me. I''d want to get engaged knowing that if I asked my fiance to elope the week after the proposal, he''d be ready to go (barring emotional attachment to the idea of a full-on wedding, of course).

I''ve also known a few couples who had an idea of when they''d be getting married (one that had picked a specific date years before meeting her now-husband), and that idea put pressure on whatever relationship they were in when approaching said time frame. I would hate to feel that my SO wanted to marry me just because my relationship with them happened to occur when they were approaching their ideal wedding date. Yuck.

 

[poshpepper]

When I became engaged I did not have a wedding date in mind. We did not decide on a wedding date until about 9 months later.

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it, whatever suits you as a couple the best.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 5/12/2009 3:03:53 PM
Author: havernell

Date: 5/12/2009 1:06:55 PM

Author: iheartbora


I''m a bit worried because when I told some of my friends we are in the process of ring shopping, the usual reaction after all the ring details was ''the date'' (not really the exact date, but more like a general idea of summer 20xx)... and when I got rolling eyes with ''huh, you don''t even know what year?'', I felt almost obligated to have to explain why we can''t set a date range yet... and it sort of adds a ''negative tone'' to the whole (suppositively very exciting) conversation

I personally think it''s strange that your friends were asking about a wedding date before you were even engaged. Good lord! Maybe you should respond by asking ''What date do you intent to get a life?''

I think peole ask ''what''s the date'' after you get engaed not because they care, but because they don''t know what else to say and it''s seems like something they can say to just fill the void. Therefore, I wouldn''t let yourself get upset over what is essentially other people''s attempt at small talk.


And if they roll their eyes, that''s just plain rude, so I wouldn''t even egage it. What do you have to prove to these people? You can make the conversation not turn to negative by just saying in an upbeat tone ''We''ll start wedding planning once we are actually engaged as there are a lot of factors to consider.'' There''s no shame in that since it''s TRUE.


Often people who haven''t planned a wedding themselves don''t understand that it''s a lot harder than it seems to get all the variables (venues, vendors, costs, family needs, personal schedules, etc...) aligned to pick a wedding date. So, bottom line, don''t feel shamed by people who have no idea what they are even talking about.

One big DITTO!

I had no clue about a wedding date before we got engaged, and frankly think that is a bit strange to choose a date and then get engaged. As for why get engaged if you aren''t quite ready to get married, because its the next step. H and I wanted to get married as well, but HE rushed the engagement and buying a ring because he didn''t want to be just my boyfriend anymore. He wanted something more permanent and that said he was committed to me for life. After we got engaged, then we started thinking about dates and finally chose two. Think we have it down, just waiting for the rabbi''s approval. As for other people, I just say "probably summer 2010". If they aren''t happy with the answer, too darned bad!