etiquette question

[suzi]

Haven...good thing for mothers, eh? LOL! If someone were to guess the size of my ring and get it wrong, I''d probably just say nothing. I might THINK plenty, though! I suppose if they were way off, I might just politely correct them. Depends on how far off they are, and which direction, KWIM? I actually think I''d probably be more inclined to correct them if they guessed it was bigger than it actually was, because I''m one of those brutally honest types.

I sometimes feel sinful, because I love the way my diamond looks in church. There really is something about the lighting. Maybe it''s because it''s a little diffused? I don''t know...but the lighting in my church is absolutely HEAVEN for bringing out the fire in my diamond!

I''ve been thinking about this subject off and on all day (guess I had nothing better going on in my head...lol). I think maybe some of us are a bit sensitive about our rings because they are something very personal to us. I mean, look at where we are discussing this, after all! I think those of us who bother to read and post here are a little more interested (and educated) about diamonds than the average person, and many of us put a lot of time into researching both the stones and the settings for our rings. It probably doesn''t take much for us to get a little defensive. Sometimes I forget that not all people are as diamond obsessed as I am.

Believe it or not, I''ve actually known women who didn''t know ANYTHING about their jewelry. I KNOW...seems unreal, doesn''t it? LOL! I kind of think that many of those people who make these comments and ask us sensitive questions about size and cost of our rings honestly don''t even realize they are treading on sacred ground.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 9/13/2007 12:12:12 AM
Author: Haven
Okay, so it''s a Jewish holiday and I just got home from synagogue. Well, girls, I was thinking of you because here''s what happened:

A woman I do not know came up to me because she heard I was engaged (news and identities apparently travel fast.) She said congratulations and then grabbed my hand and ooohed and aaaahed, and then asked ''Wow, how big is that--a carat and a half? It looks huge.'' Well, no, I thought, it''s 2 carats! But I didn''t say anything.

Now, what do I say to that? Do I defend my little guy and tell her the real weight? Do I smile and say something demure and evasive? Lucky for me, my mother swooped in, winked, and said ''Darling, you underestimate the weight of this beauty.'' And then she pulled me away.

So here''s a subquestion--what do you do when people guess and they''re off? I know I shouldn''t care, but to be honest, it really annoyed me.

Other than this run-in, everyone else showered loads of compliments on my little guy, and they were just so happy and supportive. And those sanctuary lights--I swear they''re better than Tiffany''s!

ETA: Munchkin--Your coworker sounds unbearable--I''m so sorry you have to work with this person.

Good for your mother, class all the way!

I thought of another response if someone asks how much it cost. How about, "It''s priceless to me."

I am seriously amazed at how nosey people can be about anything monitary. Unfortunately, someone''s bridal jewelry isn''t off limits for those types of people.

Chief Niel, I loved your response! How perfect. Most people have absolutely no idea about that, and it would separate those who honestly are admiring from those who want to be a busy body.

FG, I have asked before, too, but only someone I know very well, on the QT and I tried to be VERY tactful about it. It was definitely in the quest for knowledge, not noseyness. Sometimes people do ask, not to be rude, but because they genuinely want to know.

 

[AGBF]

Someone alluded to Miss Manners earlier in this thread, but I am not familiar with her advice to people who are questioned about the size of their engagement rings. I do know that her general rule of thumb is that if someone else has been rude, that one is not bound to be polite in return. I adore her, but I dislike any responses that are aimed at making the questioner feel small.

I mean that I dislike any responses to someone who asks about the size of one''s engagement ring that are aimed at making that person feel humiliated.

First, one cannot always know that the person asking is asking out of some kind of malice. Second, it just does not feel right to me to make someone feel bad for asking a simple, factual question about a ring.

Politeness is about making others feel comfortable. If someone has asked a question that has made you feel uncomfortable, he has been (deliberately or not) impolite. The "classy" resonse, in my opinion, is to use good manners in return and not say anything that will make the questioner aware that he has erred. I would simply answer the question. One can always say, "It is a little over a carat" or "It is about a carat". There is no need for you to go into extreme detail. However, I think it is impolite and not at all classy to make snide comments back to someone who asks a question that is impertinent.


Deborah

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 9/12/2007 7:57:57 PM
Author: waterlilly

Date: 9/12/2007 6:59:15 PM

Author: Pandora II
So far the only person who has discussed cost with me is my brother and it was a bit of a painful conversation.


He saw my e-ring on a visit and rang me later to ask some questions as he is wanting me to help him with an e-ring for his gf (who sadly used to work on the e-ring section at Tiff''s in London).


He said he thought my ring was lovely but the centre stone was not that big. It''s a 1.42ct tsavorite (8.25 x 5.75).


His budget is just under $6k max, and he wants a 3 stone ring with a big rb centre. When I told him what a diamond centre stone the size of mine would cost he nearly had a heart-attack! She also wants a platinum setting...

yikes, that was a bit of a wake up call conversation, eh? i would imagine his gf at the time was also well aware of prices...hopefully she wasn''t demanding a particular size with that budget...hope it all worked out!

Sadly this conversation was about 4 weeks ago. She wants a big, sparkly diamond (and she knows what a Tiff diamond looks like compared with a general B&M store, although knows nothing about cut etc), wants my brother to choose everything on his own and surprise her on the day - and she has very definite likes and dislikes.

My brother is IMHO in no position to be getting married - he''s looking for a new job, has £0 in the bank, lives in her father''s house, endlessly borrows large sums from my parents and has big debts from college. He and I earn exactly the same and I can''t see how he can be in the position he is.

He wants to propose at Christmas, and I have been telling him since June that he needs to get a move on with at least knowing what sort of thing he wants as I''d like at least 3 months to be sure of getting it all made and over to the UK. He still hasn''t done a thing and I''m now away till mid-October.

I also told him that he had to save up the money as I won''t help him out if he does it on credit. Now he tells me he''s taking out another loan to pay for it.

I''m really angry and frankly want nothing to do with it all - but he''s worried what all their friends and her family will say if he doesn''t buy her something that looks amazing, and I don''t want to be responsible for him being unhappy this way.

To top everything off, I, my FI and both my sisters all individually dislike this girl intensely - I only found out about what my sisters thought 2-3 months ago, as I really didn''t want to seem like a complete cow.

Grrr - the situation is a nightmare.

What would you guys do???

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/13/2007 12:55:14 PM
Author: AGBF



Someone alluded to Miss Manners earlier in this thread, but I am not familiar with her advice to people who are questioned about the size of their engagement rings. I do know that her general rule of thumb is that if someone else has been rude, that one is not bound to be polite in return. I adore her, but I dislike any responses that are aimed at making the questioner feel small.


I mean that I dislike any responses to someone who asks about the size of one's engagement ring that are aimed at making that person feel humiliated.


First, one cannot always know that the person asking is asking out of some kind of malice. Second, it just does not feel right to me to make someone feel bad for asking a simple, factual question about a ring.


Politeness is about making others feel comfortable. If someone has asked a question that has made you feel uncomfortable, he has been (deliberately or not) impolite. The 'classy' resonse, in my opinion, is to use good manners in return and not say anything that will make the questioner aware that he has erred. I would simply answer the question. One can always say, 'It is a little over a carat' or 'It is about a carat'. There is no need for you to go into extreme detail. However, I think it is impolite and not at all classy to make snide comments back to someone who asks a question that is impertinent.



Deborah

Deborah--Wherever did you hear that Miss Manners advises that one has permission to be impolite in response to a rude question? I've never read anything by Miss Manners that said anything of the sort, in fact the opposite is true. Most of her writing focuses on exactly how one can respond to rude questions with grace.

And I posted the earlier comment about Miss Manners, her advice regarding how to respond to questions about ring size ("it's not nearly as big as his heart") comes from her book Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.)

I agree with everything else you wrote in your post, and yes, it is absolutely the height of rudeness to intentionally belittle someone with your words.

Sipper--The lighting in my synagogue is the best! I know exactly what you mean.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/12/2007 10:40:16 AM
Author: Haven
The second shocker:
One of my peers in graduate school ran up to me last night to see the ring, and once she saw it she exclaimed ''Wow, that must have set him back a nice chunk of change. You''ll probably be seeing that ring on credit card statement a few years into the marriage!'' I said ''Well, we never buy anything on credit'' and walked to my seat. She followed me! She sat down next to me and pursued the no-buying-on-credit issue, as if she didn''t believe me. In retrospect I know that was the wrong response, but it''s all I could think of in the moment.

Why? Why do they think it''s okay to ask these questions?

Haven your second one didn''t shock me. I know this isn''t ring related, but we remodeled our kitchen and our neighbors are very friendly so one of them wanted to see the kitchen. My hubby is super sweet so he invited her to have a look around (he actually did the remodel); we bought the granite, cabinets and appliances. Well she turns to us and says she doesn''t like to be house poor and that may suit some people. I was in shock when she said it. Then I felt sorry for her and said nothing because in my mind I thought let her make herself happy w/her weird thoughts. Oh well, people are strange

 

[AGBF]

Date: 9/13/2007 10:57:36 PM
Author: Haven
Deborah--Wherever did you hear that Miss Manners advises that one has permission to be impolite in response to a rude question? I''ve never read anything by Miss Manners that said anything of the sort, in fact the opposite is true. Most of her writing focuses on exactly how one can respond to rude questions with grace.

Haven, Believe me, I have seen it (the advice by Miss Manners that one can be impolite in response to rudeness). I am sure it came with qualifiers, but I have seen it. Perhaps I will try to find some examples from her book, but I cannot promise to do so today!

I agree that most of her writing focuses on how to respond to rude questions (and unusual situations) with grace! She does draw a line in the sand, however.

Deborah

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/14/2007 7:54:33 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 9/13/2007 10:57:36 PM
Author: Haven
Deborah--Wherever did you hear that Miss Manners advises that one has permission to be impolite in response to a rude question? I''ve never read anything by Miss Manners that said anything of the sort, in fact the opposite is true. Most of her writing focuses on exactly how one can respond to rude questions with grace.

Haven, Believe me, I have seen it (the advice by Miss Manners that one can be impolite in response to rudeness). I am sure it came with qualifiers, but I have seen it. Perhaps I will try to find some examples from her book, but I cannot promise to do so today!

I agree that most of her writing focuses on how to respond to rude questions (and unusual situations) with grace! She does draw a line in the sand, however.

Deborah

Deborah--Very interesting, I never picked up on any of that from her books. I''ll look through some this weekend, too. Thanks!

 

[suzi]

I''ve never got the sense from her writings that Miss Manners condones rudeness in kind, either Haven. I do, however, feel that she condones standing up for one''s self in the face of other people''s rudeness.

I suppose it''s up to each one of us as individuals to determine where our "line in the sand" lies when it comes to how much personal information we feel comfortable sharing with others, and hopefully we can all find a gracious way to deal with those uncomfortable situations without offending anyone.

 

[somethingshiny]

This is really weird to me.

I don''t know anyone who''s ever been asked how big it is? I don''t know if it''s the area I live in or what. I thought maybe people ask more when it''s a large stone. TO me, a large stone would be 1.5ct or better. And, i this area, those are few and far between.

The only time we discuss rings is with our closest friends. I''ve never asked or been asked how much a ring is either.

I think it would shock me completely! It would be like walking up to my husband and asking how big HIS is...

 

[Lynn B]

Whenever someone I know was asked, "How big is it?" -- she would get all wide-eyed, act completely clueless, and say in a shocked voice, "How big is WHAT??????!!!"

 

[Harleigh]

LOL...from family, to friends, to coworkers and even the checkers at numerous stores over the past two months, I have been asked time after time "How big IS that thing?" and then, of course, "How much did THAT THING cost???" to which my responses often are..."Big enough" and "We got a great deal, thanks for asking!"

I am infatuated by other people''s jewelry at ALL times, but I have only asked very, very familiar family, friends or acquaintances after much gushing and the explanation that we would be looking for diamonds soon and I was trying to get an idea of what exactly I wanted before dragging my poor FI all over hell''s half acre while I tried to make up my mind! Heck, I was even embarassed to ask my mom the specs on her 4 giant diamonds...she of course didn''t mind, but I still felt awkward, but she would never dignify any of the above posted questions with a reply... She would probably play dumb or say, "Why do you ask?"

Even though it does seem awkward, I think that if you are honest about your desires and NOT about keeping up with the Jones''s, and if your true appreciation shows, it''s not going to be much of a problem. Many people with nice jewelry feel a comraderie with others who have a passion for fine things, I''ve found. Unfortunately, it''s the rude people who have absolutely no class that ruin it for those who really DO want to learn more about diamonds and jewelry.

My favorite one over the past two months is still "What''s that? About a carat or something???" My reply..."Yeah, something like that!"

How dare they insult my 2.11 carat honker in that way, I ask you??? Arghhh!

Great responses, everyone...I personally am going to use DKS''s #1 reply..."I''m a size 2 and a 32DD, what are you?"

Ahhhhahhhhahhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!

 

[strmrdr]

from the another side of the question what do you answer when someone who knows you are into diamonds but you dont know that well asks you how big you think their diamond is?
This happened to me the other day.
It looked around 6mm or so... so-so cut.. so I said 1ct so if it was under she would feel good...
Her snotty nose up in the air reply.. its ONE POINT ZERO 6 CT NOT 1CT.
I said: oh kewl
LOL

 

[door knob solitaire]

Opps...that was a major.06 insult. You should be ashamed. How could you have missed that storm?

DKS

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 9/16/2007 2:46:15 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Opps...that was a major.06 insult. You should be ashamed. How could you have missed that storm?

DKS

yea I think next time im going to say 5ct... I almost said 3/4ct woops.
Im pretty good at guessing how they will look in the IS but getting the weight right mounted im not as good at.