Ex-friend reached out to me, don''t know if I should respond

[Rhea]

I''d be tempted to respond too. But your partner is right, you''re almost home free. It must be hard to lose a parent. It must also be hard to attend a rehearsal dinner and wedding after being yelled at and called names in front of a large percentage of the attendees. And told in email exactly how she feels about you right before Christmas.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:51:44 PM
Author: geckodani

Date: 1/16/2009 1:38:00 PM
Author: musey
I had a similar situation with a toxic friend... she has been persistently trying to revive our friendship for almost a year now. I know it''s really hard to not respond, especially right after getting the email.

What I did was write out a reply, click save draft, and force myself to wait to send it for at least 2 days. I went back after two days, re-read her email and my reply, and had ZERO DESIRE to send it. Nada. So I didn''t. And after that, I was completely over it.

She kept contacting me right up to the wedding, and I haven''t heard must of anything from her since. I think she was trying to score an invitation

People never cease to amaze me.

I honestly can''t imagine why it would be worth the effort

... it''s just a wedding.

Unless she figured that if I were going to make peace with her ever, it would be while I''m trying to make decisions about who to share a big life event with?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/16/2009 2:45:38 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/16/2009 11:40:26 AM
Author:fieryred33143
I am not doing well with the idea that my dad will be dead before the year is done and most likely before my next birthday

This says it all ... ''before my birthday''. Still all about HER. Always will be. It may sound wholly heartless but my advice is: Do. Not. Respond. Sorry you''re going through this. It may be a while before you can shake her completely, but I assure you you''ll be happy you did.

Deco, you are so right. She''s even more worried about her father missing her next birthday as opposed to his own. Please Fiery, realize you are doing the best thing for you by not responding. Sometimes it''s ok to be selfish.

 

[cammy85]

fiery - i just wanted to tell you too that i think I know how you''re feeling. My ex-friend just got in touch with me recently again by email and I was in the same boat (granted she didn''t do nearly the hideous things this girl did to you) When I''m not faced with dealing with her, I can easily forget and move on mostly now. When she tries to contact me with the ''woe is me stuff'', I feel bad again, but then I think it''s because I got a break from it finally and I''m not on edge like I used to be. I will NOT however, let myself get suckered into that situation anymore, since I''ve been in these cycles with her forever.

It went something like this:

1. Things are ok, but alway pretty much about her
2. She whines, complains, woe-is-mes until I can''t take it anymore, I stop taking her calls as much, she gets the hint and doesn''t call
3. We don''t talk for a while
4. She contacts me about something going on in her life (things falling apart) and she''s sorry the way we''ve grown apart and that she''s tried so hard but things just aren''t the same
5. I feel bad/sorry for her so I respond saying I''m sorry things are rough right now and don''t hesitate to call if she needs anything
6. Things are ok, but alway pretty much about her
and repeat... again... and again... and again.

I think you feel bad because you are a good person, and that''s ok. What is not ok is to let yourself get caught up in all this drama again.

I say give it a few days - maybe hide the message in an archive or something so you don''t see it all the time, and see if you feel like responding when you don''t have the glaring "feel sorry for me" reminder in your inbox.

Hugs to you.

 

[EricaR]

Fiery - congrats to you for staying strong so far. You can keep it up!

 

[blondebunny]

I agree dont respond..

Honestly this may sound horrible but it seems like she needs your BANK ACCOUNT not you as a friend...

I really think you shouldnt respond to her she doesnt deserve it, im sorry her dad is sick and all, but after she treated you, she doesnt deserve to have you back in her life, and plus stress and pregnancy is not good... so keep her far far away

 

[bee*]

Please don''t respond Fiery. As others have said, it''s all about her as per usual. Ignore her.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:57:36 PM
Author: fieryred33143

On the money issue, despite how she's been I'd be surprised if she asked me for money. She's never asked me for money, not even $5.

Firey, isn't this the girl who made you rent a car and pay the gas to drive her down to her reception venue, and IIRC had you pay the hotel bill as well, and never offered to reimburse you a single dime of it? And who made you pay for your own bridesmaid dress while footing the bill for the rest of the wedding party? And several other instances of sponging you've mentioned here and there? If I'm not mistaken about that, I'd say that while she may not be asking you for money, you've sure subsidized her a lot anyway. So, while she may not be able to afford the plane ticket, she could probably afford to have you rent a car and drive her, or "accompany" her on the flight if you buy both your tickets together on your credit card, (for convenience, of course)...

I do feel bad for her because her father is so ill, don't get me wrong. But like everyone else, I think it would be a huge mistake to get sucked back into this.

 

[Bia]

Axe her mama. Seriously.

She needs to GET OVER YOU NOW. "Friends" like her don''t deserve friends like you.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Oh dear! First of all, I read your original thread and I want to tell you how sorry I am that she did that to you! You handled it better than I think I would have!

Second of all...I can understand how it would be hard to just ignore an email like that, but what she did to you was wrong and very unfair. She treated you like crap and made a scene to boot! There is no way that I would allow her to victimize you anymore. I laughed at what your FI said, but I agree with him 1000%...you are almost rid of her! You just don''t need toxic people in your life.

 

[FrekeChild]

Don''t email her. Or, if you''d like, we could probably put together an email to her.

Seriously. This chick has got to go. She has treated you more like a slave/servant than a friend.

And I will so write that email...Just give me the word. (Whats sad is that I''m actually empathetic to her because of her father''s situation, but her continual abuse of you has GOT TO STOP. I cannot imagine humiliating someone in front of a group of people and having her come back and NOT EVEN APOLOGIZE for her previous behavior and be asking for your friendship back while still making it all about her.)

 

[oobiecoo]

I wouldn''t just ignore the email... that may give her impression that possibly you didn''t see it or it went to your spam folder or something. I would reply, express sympathy for her father, but be very short and obvious you aren''t opening the friendship door.

 

[cbs102]

Fiery,
I just remember how terribly upset you were and how embarassed. If you feel the need to respond, than keep it really short, acknowledge her father and thats it...PERIOD. she needs to own up to her behavior and thus far she has done none of that.

good luck

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

I agree with many of the others on here - reply but keep it very brief, express your feeling regarding her father, but make it clear that you are done with the friendship. I''m sorry you have to keep going through this with your toxic ex-friend - *hugs*.

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 1/16/2009 3:37:01 PM
Author: Octavia

Date: 1/16/2009 1:57:36 PM

Author: fieryred33143


On the money issue, despite how she''s been I''d be surprised if she asked me for money. She''s never asked me for money, not even $5.

Firey, isn''t this the girl who made you rent a car and pay the gas to drive her down to her reception venue, and IIRC had you pay the hotel bill as well, and never offered to reimburse you a single dime of it? And who made you pay for your own bridesmaid dress while footing the bill for the rest of the wedding party? And several other instances of sponging you''ve mentioned here and there? If I''m not mistaken about that, I''d say that while she may not be asking you for money, you''ve sure subsidized her a lot anyway. So, while she may not be able to afford the plane ticket, she could probably afford to have you rent a car and drive her, or ''accompany'' her on the flight if you buy both your tickets together on your credit card, (for convenience, of course)...


I do feel bad for her because her father is so ill, don''t get me wrong. But like everyone else, I think it would be a huge mistake to get sucked back into this.

I can''t ditto this more. The first thing I read in the e-mail was that she wanted financial support, and I remembered how much she sucker-punched you for her wedding. I would so, so, so want to write even a former friend back to express sympathy, but if you do, it''s just inviting her in. And no matter how much pain she''s in, this girl has already closed the door on your friendship when she treated you like she did at her wedding. For your sanity and well-being, it really needs to stay that way.

Remember those other bridesmaids that she didn''t treat like a doormat? They can be there for her through this time - she''ll find folks to support her. But you don''t need to.

 

[lyra]

Honestly, I would mark that email address (hers) as spam, and then delete the email as if it never even reached you. She doesn''t want your friendship on equal terms or anything, she just wants control, and as others have said, possibly money. Don''t feel guilty *at all*. She''s not thinking about your welfare by any means.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/16/2009 3:22:23 PM
Author: blondebunny
Honestly this may sound horrible but it seems like she needs your BANK ACCOUNT not you as a friend...

Sadly, the first thought that crossed my mind was that she was gonna hit fiery up for the plane ticket home

 

[tlh]

I have had a friend for a long time. I just now realized that she is not my friend. She was only my friend when it was CONVENIENT FOR HER, or when she WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME. I was her rock that held her up. I was her punching bag when she was frustrated. That was my role. I have accepted that. I dont mind it really. I know what it is, and I just manage to fit this friendship into my life whenever it manages to do so. I am not angry or hostile... it just is what it is. Now, we''ve grown apart, but this friend is not NASTY. She is just inconsiderate... which I think we all are to some degree.

This girl sounds just NASTY.

I also sounds like she is using your sweetness, and the fact that you care, to again benefit her. I think weddings all make people a little crazy, sure... but she sounded AWFUL. I dont think I would let that go off silently in the night to die like an old cowboy. Those are some serious issues that I feel are still left unaddressed... seeing as she was even NASTIER when she responded. I would just say.. "I am sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds awful. I hope that things work out." and Peace out.

Seriously - she needs to do some grovelling before you even consider being her support system. People like that are toxic. They drain you. They steal your youth and beauty. Soon you''ll need botox to deal with HER problems. So... I know I went on and on... but I think you need to look into you... what do you want? Dont worry if you seem like the meanie pants... it really doesnt matter at the end of the day. Do things for YOU. You sound like a real giver, otherwise you wouldnt have put up with so much $hit for so long.

I honestly wish you the best in this difficult situation. It is hard to know what the right thing is... but trust your gut... (unless it is steering you to some ice cream... then just say NO!) Your belly instincts are usually what is the honest answer... it is just your head that thinks you in the wrong direction. I wish you the best with this decision... but it might be best to simmer awhile, and think before you shoot off a response.

HUGS!

 

[mia1181]

Ditto to everything everyone else said.... She sounds like she wants your

more than anything. With no apology you just cannot move forward. These type of "friends" will keep coming back so you''ll have to stay strong and not let yourself get sucked back in. But I think you are doing a great job at that!

 

[Porridge]

Date: 1/16/2009 3:37:01 PM
Author: Octavia

Date: 1/16/2009 1:57:36 PM

Author: fieryred33143


On the money issue, despite how she''s been I''d be surprised if she asked me for money. She''s never asked me for money, not even $5.

Firey, isn''t this the girl who made you rent a car and pay the gas to drive her down to her reception venue, and IIRC had you pay the hotel bill as well, and never offered to reimburse you a single dime of it? And who made you pay for your own bridesmaid dress while footing the bill for the rest of the wedding party? And several other instances of sponging you''ve mentioned here and there? If I''m not mistaken about that, I''d say that while she may not be asking you for money, you''ve sure subsidized her a lot anyway. So, while she may not be able to afford the plane ticket, she could probably afford to have you rent a car and drive her, or ''accompany'' her on the flight if you buy both your tickets together on your credit card, (for convenience, of course)...


I do feel bad for her because her father is so ill, don''t get me wrong. But like everyone else, I think it would be a huge mistake to get sucked back into this.

AND use YOUR air miles to pay for her sister''s plane ticket?!? Don''t write back! Keep that door firmly closed! Not just for your own sanity, but for your FI''s too

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:50:10 AM
Author: neatfreak
Agreed. This email is very self-centered and still all about her. Not one word about how you are, apologizing for her behavior, or asking you how your pregnancy is going. She hasn''t changed and obviously hasn''t learned anything here. She''s even expressing her sadness at her father''s death in an extremely self-centered way by saying he''ll be gone before her next birthday! What is that about?

I agree. Even her e-mail about how sad she feels about her father is written in a VERY self-centered manner that just goes to show that there is no emotional room for anyone in her life than herself. Let it go. Write back a short, polite note, or don''t write back at all, but don''t get involved again. It sounds like you have several real friends that care about you and make you happy.

 

[kittybean]

Please don''t respond! You don''t need her draining, exhausting, emotional roller coaster of a friendship. Your sweet FI is right: you are almost free of her!

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 1/16/2009 8:56:30 PM
Author: kittybean
Please don''t respond! You don''t need her draining, exhausting, emotional roller coaster of a friendship. Your sweet FI is right: you are almost free of her!

Ditto that. She was a flat out BEEP and called you out in front of everyone...and now after not speaking for months (AND NO APOLOGY? WTF IS UP WITH THAT! THAT SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST BEEN IN THE EMAIL! ESP AFTER ALL SHE DID!).

Nope...if you MUST respond...say something like "I''m sorry that you are going though a rough time right now. Unfortuanlly afte the way things have panned out over the course of this rlationship, I think it''s best we part ways. I wish you good luck in life and a wonderful marriage, but I think it''s best we cut our ties. It''s going to be best for us both in the long run."

Or something like that. Just a ? here...is this the same one you didn''t want to tell you that your preggers (I maybe getting threads mixed up, if so, sorry!) because she can''t have kids? Etc?

She dones''t care about you. She cares about HER and ONLY HER! Your to good of a friend to be treated like dirt and taken advantage of.

Besides, you have us now

You don''t need a mean unsupportive friend when you have US

 

[Kelli]

It sounds like she "needs" your money. It is too bad about her father and there''d be no harm in sending your condolences, but that''s as far as I''d take it until you have a genuine apology and some concern for your life. A friend shouldn''t be someone you NEED in your life, but someone you want around even if you don''t NEED them. Doesn''t sound worthy of friendship to me.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

I had a "friend" like that once. We had been roommates and I was her maid-of-honor, but by the time I had to start planning my own wedding, she had become such a pain in the a$$, that I decided not to ask her to be in my bridal party. I did invite her to the wedding, and she came, but the relationship fizzled out shortly after that. Your ex-friend doesn''t need a friend, she needs therapy. Please don''t respond to her. Just forgive her and move on.

 

[VRBeauty]

Fiery: If you know her father and want to let him know that you are sorry to hear about his illness, then write him a note.

I understand that you are also concerned about his daughter and what she is going through. But I agree with your BF and pretty much everyone here -- this woman is a user who has proven that she will use and abuse you if open the door to her in any way. I actually think it might be a good idea for you to write a note explaining why the friendship is over. Don't actually send her the note, just write it as a way give yourself some finality to the end of the friendship and to have that "goodbye" conversation that you could never have with her in real life. Hang on to the note and refer back to it if you need to... add to it if you need to... burn it if you need to. But write it as a way of closing that door.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Oh Firey, this sucks. Your ex-friend is just AWFUL, though, and even though you handled it with grace and class she didn''t show the same respect to you.... ever. Your FI is totally right that you will be better off without her, and I know deep down you know that too. Try not to let this most recent contact get to you. Of course you feel sad about her dad and her reaction to the hardships she is facing, but remember that she will suck your pity dry and make any re-incarnation of your friendship all about her... again. Good luck deciding how to respond; I think you got a lot of great advice already. *hugs* to you!

 

[:)]

You need a friend too - too bad it isn''t her!!! She sounds like she wants your $$$ (she may not directly ask, but she is appears to be putting out hints IMO), and then she wants to continue to suck you emotionally dry.
She isn''t a friend to you, friends don''t act like she has. You are better off without her. She has her husband to lean on.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/16/2009 6:30:43 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/16/2009 3:22:23 PM

Author: blondebunny

Honestly this may sound horrible but it seems like she needs your BANK ACCOUNT not you as a friend...

Sadly, the first thought that crossed my mind was that she was gonna hit fiery up for the plane ticket home

That was my first impression of her email too.

 

[icekid]

Date: 1/17/2009 2:20:56 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 1/16/2009 6:30:43 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/16/2009 3:22:23 PM

Author: blondebunny

Honestly this may sound horrible but it seems like she needs your BANK ACCOUNT not you as a friend...

Sadly, the first thought that crossed my mind was that she was gonna hit fiery up for the plane ticket home

That was my first impression of her email too.

mine too! If you feel you MUST respond, I would say "I''m sorry to hear about your father. Take care." the end. No rehashing the past, no opportunity for her to continue. She is something else, Fiery, and you have already been far too sweet to her