Fake wedding?

[Lucky Kid]

I guess my FI''s parents want to have a wedding and we just so happen to be the ones getting married. I figure it won''t be fair for my FI not to have her wedding, so we brought up the idea of having the wedding we want a week or so before the supposed wedding. Has anyone done this?

Thanks,
Roy

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m a bit confused, does your FI want a wedding or is it your FI parents who want it? If you''re not comfortable with having a large audience at your ceremony why not compromise and get married privately and have a large celebration/reception the following weekend?

 

[Lucky Kid]

Her parents said they want us to have our wedding the way we want so we started planning, we are about a week in and the first 3 decisions were sort of vetoed by them not because of cost by any means, just because its not exactly what they want. We just figured to avoid all the tension we will just plan the wedding the way they want it then have the one we want under wraps the week before. We just threw out the idea so I wanted to know if anyone has any input from doing this or knowing someone who did...

Thanks,
Roy

 

[KimberlyH]

Now I understand. As adults who are getting married I think it''s time you establish your independence (especially if they aren''t paying for the wedding). You and your FI need to figure out exactly what it is you want then sit down with them in a neutral setting and share your "vision" (I hate that word used in this context) of your wedding. Let them know that you appreciate that they want to be involved in the planning, and they can, but that you are comfortable with the decisions you''ve made regarding what the general feel of the day will be like and aren''t willing to budge, said very nicely of course. This whole two weddings thing to please them sounds very complicated and sneaky and not a great way to start your life together as a couple.

 

[Pandora II]

Time to start setting boundaries. This is a wedding for goodness sake not some kids tea party or a theatrical production. If you are adult enough to be getting married, you are adult enough to sit down and have it out with the in-laws.

 

[sumbride]

You definitely won''t be "avoiding tension" by letting the parents run things... it sounds like you and your FI already resent their decisions! How''s that for tension?

To really make this work for all parties involved (remembering that you can''t please everyone!) you and your FI need to figure out what you really want. I know you said that you don''t really care much, so maybe let her figure out what SHE really wants. Then figure out which areas aren''t that important for you to have your way, and let those be the areas that your parents are allowed to have input on.

My FI and I are having a wedding that absolutely thrills my parents because it''s their "social event" but M and I are very specific about the things we wanted... the music, the location, the officiant, the ceremony itself, the food, the drinks, etc... my mom merely got to pick the guests, the chairs, etc... Other decisions we''ve made with my parents... like which wines to serve (that was FUN!) and flowers, cake, time of day, etc... My FI''s mom has not been very involved because she didn''t like much of what we were doing so we''ve just done it without her. She''ll have a good time, but it''s definitely not an event "for her".

Do what YOU want. You two only get one wedding... your parents already had theirs!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, we are having a two-part wedding, but neither part will be ''fake''. I have divorced parents who live on different continents, we live in a 3rd country and FI''s parents live in a 4th country. We don''t want anyone to HAVE to travel too far. PLUS, I want a religious ceremony and FI''s family are a different religion. PLUS in the country where my mom lives and in FI''s, you must get married in a civil ceremony for your marriage to be legal, and then can have a religious ceremony. Sooo....

1) We''re having a civil ceremony at the city hall where mom lives, and the she''s hosting a party for my friends who live around there and FI''s friends and family since that''s geogrpahically closer to them. Because the civil ceremony is part of their culture, this won''t feel like a ''fake wedding'' to them. It''s NORMAL for them to have both.

2) We''re then going to Dad''s country (where I grew up) and having a religious wedding there. That''s closer for our friends in the country where we live, and for much of my family and my closest friends.

This way, mom has more influence over one party, dad over the other. No one has to travel too far if they don''t want to. FI and his family get a ceremony that''s culturally familiar to them and I get one that''s culturally familiar to me. And neither wedding is "fake" because both would have had to happen anyway in FI''s or mom''s country.

But it does sound like, in your situation, it''s time to sit down with the in-laws and set the ground rules. My advice is:

1) You and your FI should list the 5 things that are most important to you about the day.
2) Sit down with FI''s parents and explain that these are non-negotiables for you guys.
3) Accept that, if they are paying, you may have to compromise a little more than you wanted to.
4) But DON''T compromise on those 5 things.

If they aren''t paying, go off and plan your wedding yourselves. Say "See ya! your invitation will be in the mail." Maybe give FMIL a couple of fun tasks you don''t care about. That''s that.

 

[surfgirl]

Are her parents paying for your wedding? Because if not, they need to back off (tactfully, of course!). If they are paying for it, you either have to sit them down and tell them how it''s gonna be (tactfully, of course!), and perhaps request that they give you the money and you will contract/pay everyone, or pay for it yourselves. If you guys can afford a "fake wedding", why not just pay for your own wedding and stop asking her parents for their opinions. Just make your plans and forge ahead. But I agree strongly with those that have said, better to assert your independence - as a couple - right now, rather than later. You dont want to deal with this nonsense if/when you have kids, do you? Nope! Better train the in laws now.

Option two, of which I am a huge fan, involves eloping to some fabulously romantic destination and reveling in the two of you minus all the hoopla. Just another suggestion!

 

[diamondfan]

I am unsure as to how going through two weddings really accomplishes much, and it seems a silly way to start off, in my opinion. I would just sit down with them and have you and your fiance maturely and respectfully outline what is going on. You can always be firm but nice, and say, this is your day and that if need be the two of you can elope so you can avoid this stress. I would not say it in a threatening manner, but would just put it out there that you do have that option and are willing to use it to prevent this from devolving into a spectacle that does not represent the two of you. Having their input and or money is fine, but you cannot sell yourself down the river.

 

[Sha]

I assume that you and your FI will be paying for the ''real wedding''... So you''re going to shell out money that you don''t HAVE TO just to avoid tension with your FI''s parents?

I agree with everyone else that that seems like a pretty immature way to start your lives together.. not to mention an unnecessary duplication of time, money and resources... photographers, ministers etc.! I''m sure if the parents knew that y''all were married a week before they might be upset and offended that they spent all of that money for what they thought was ''THE'' wedding. Better to just bite the bullet and have a firm but respectful talk with the parents.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I really think it would be more respectful to brave the potential conflict of working out the differing ''visions'' for the wedding than to sneak around and have what you really want without inviting the parents. That just seems immature and deceitful, and the truth will eventually out and feelings will be far more hurt (possibly irreparably) than if you just suck it up and hash out a compromise. The only exception I can think of would be if the family is seriously disfunctional and you are concerned that your FILs might actually become violent towards you if you suggest that the wedding requires negotiation. Just my take. Good luck.