Falling in love with someone else's spouse

[zoebartlett]

I know this happens...I don't agree with it BUT you don't publicize it in the NYT. They also had the nerve to say that they would have never
shared their story if they knew that it would stir things up. COME ON they can't be that dense to not know this wouldn't sit well with readers OR maybe they are that dense

Yeah, I don't buy it either. What do they THINK would happen? I'm surprised this was even a story to begin with. Couples break up all the time. Why did this need to be in the NY Times?

 

[y2kitty]

I just think its funny that he's a soon to be CEO - why publish this when starting a new high profile job?

 

[HollyS]

(Using the 'editorial you' in my post; so no one need get defensive. Please.)


If you find your soulmate in someone else's backyard . . . you were looking around already. You were NOT suddenly hit between the eyes with passion, love, and a soul connection. Soap opera characters might experience this nonsense, but you won't. It doesn't just happen; YOU control your emotions and your actions. And the outcome.

So, the obvious question is - - why did you marry the spouse you have? And there is no good reason to marry unless you truly want to be 'one' with your spouse FOR AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE. It isn't okay to take your vows unless you want the lifetime commitment.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, fix it or leave it. Period. Only when you have extricated yourself from your commitment, are you free to 'look around'. And even then, keep your hands off someone else's spouse.




That is what I think of this story, and my feelings in general about this subject.

 

[that_someone_special]

I am confused by a lot of the responses in this thread. I come from a family where my parents only married each other, and are still married. Same with my grandparents and most on my side of the family.

But don't half of the couples divorce? I can't imagine that it's NEVER because of another person and the whole "til death" thing doesn't seem to be a big deal to 50% of the country... I don't know. I am just really surprised!

I honestly thought more people would post with, "A heart wants, what a heart wants."

 

[Imdanny]

A heart wants what it wants, it find it, and it makes a commitment.

Marriage without a commitment (or a good faith effort at commitment) is a mockery of marriage.

 

[Dreamer_D]

But don't half of the couples divorce? I can't imagine that it's NEVER because of another person and the whole "til death" thing doesn't seem to be a big deal to 50% of the country... I don't know. I am just really surprised!

And of the ones who do not divorce, a good chunk have experience infidelity I am willing to bet

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think if my husband came to me distraught and said "I'm in love with someone else, but I still want to make our marriage work because I owe it to you" I'd probably just tell him to go chase that other person. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I wasn't number one in his heart. Right now there isn't a cell in my brain that isn't absolutely 100% certain that my hubby loves me more than anyone else in the world. Were that to change..well...I don't know if I would want to stay married to him.

Really? I would thank my husband for bringing this up instead of letting it fester so that we could work on it together. Clearly if he is able to feel those emotions for someone else then there is a problem in our relationship and the love and attention I am giving to him. That is how I would respond if it was my spouse.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think the story is kid of gross and personally would not go there. I think it is cowardly to only have the guts to leave a poor marriage when you have someone else lined up. Understandable -- heck, who wants to go it alone? -- but cowardly.

I actually think humans are not innately monogamous. For us to achieve that goal takes a lot of work. Work to avoid putting yourself in situations where you will lose connection with your spouse. Work to maintain a spark and attraction and bond with your spouse. Work to understand that connection ebbs and flows over time. Work to overlook flaws and bad behaviour, yes, perhaps even infidelity. I think if you interview anyone who has been married for 30+ years, they will tell you they came close to divorce at one point, OR that they were very unhappy at one point. And they worked through it. We are flawed creatures we humans, and if we want to mate for life, we have to accept those flaws and work past them.

I also think most people have totally ridiculous notions of love and marriage and what it means to have a bond for a long period of time. "He doesn't make me feel special" is just the social fantasy speaking in my opinion. What people really mean when they say that is that they don't feel loved and valued by their partner. The reasons for that could be anything, from a poor marital friendship to low self-esteem. But people don't know that. So they get all bogged down in "feeling special" as the reason for the poor feelings in the relationship. And how can you fix it if you don't know what the problem really is?

And I think people mistake passion for love a lot of the time. And they mistake the anxiety that accompanies relational insecurity for love. And then when the former fades or the latter is not present -- things that ironically need to happen in a well functioning long term relationship -- they are off chasing something new, because they are missing the "spark" in their current relationship

 

[Imdanny]

I am confused by a lot of the responses in this thread. I come from a family where my parents only married each other, and are still married. Same with my grandparents and most on my side of the family.

But don't half of the couples divorce? I can't imagine that it's NEVER because of another person and the whole "til death" thing doesn't seem to be a big deal to 50% of the country... I don't know. I am just really surprised!

I honestly thought more people would post with, "A heart wants, what a heart wants."

I'm not surprised by this attitude, actually. I mean basically this is a forum devoted to engagement rings, the symbol of a commitment to marriage. This forum is all about marriage.

As to the drama in the article, personally, wow, maybe life isn't always easy to put together and figure out, but at least to me, there comes a point where- how do people have the energy for love triangles and intrigues and on and on. I'm 42 and I'm too exhausted. I would never have the energy or the inclination for those kinds of soap operas in my life again.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I think if my husband came to me distraught and said "I'm in love with someone else, but I still want to make our marriage work because I owe it to you" I'd probably just tell him to go chase that other person. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I wasn't number one in his heart. Right now there isn't a cell in my brain that isn't absolutely 100% certain that my hubby loves me more than anyone else in the world. Were that to change..well...I don't know if I would want to stay married to him.

Really? I would thank my husband for bringing this up instead of letting it fester so that we could work on it together. Clearly if he is able to feel those emotions for someone else then there is a problem in our relationship and the love and attention I am giving to him. That is how I would respond if it was my spouse.

Heh, yeah, I'm odd in my way. I could work through infidelity and various crushes, but if he was actually in love with someone else...like somebody else said, you have to "let" yourself fall in love to a certain degree. It's my personal quirk that I'd more easily work through a one-night-stand that happened in the heat of the moment, than make peace with the fact that my husband now loves someone else more than me. I remember in previous threads a lot of women would not forgive a cheating spouse, I would think a spouse that fell in love with another woman would be worse? (And I don't just mean has a crush on another woman, I mean "If it weren't for my vows, I'd leave you for her".)

 

[diva rose]

As someone from a family where my parents divorced and remarried - I'm glad they divorced.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to both parents and for us. People often stay together for the children's sake - what most people don't realise is - as children we can feel the lack of attachment/love between parents. We may not understand it but we surely do feel it. It's better to be divorced than be in an unhappy marriage. Obviously - you want to be respectful and separate without the cheating etc.

I really do feel if your partner or you have feelings for someone else more than just a mere attraction, there is something missing from your relationship or there is a personal issue within the person looking. Often people, especially men, will pod along and get comfortable. Once they get comfortable, they forget to appreciate one another or keep the 'passion' alive.

There is a huge difference between butterflies feeling to feeling not appreciated. I don't think there is anything wrong with a wife/husband who wants affection and appreciation from their partners. In a good marriage or any relationship, this is needed. For each person to show appreciation and affection. How else do you feel loved? Because a man married you and you're still married?
I don't think so. Many married couples aren't in love with their partners - they just get comfortable and stay there.

The issue is people show expressions of love in different ways. Often women want one thing and men do another thing. Vice versa.
So advice to all the people out there - communicate to your parner what makes you feel loved etc. It will do wonders.
Relationships are a working progress.

As for the marriage - till death do us part - people do change as we age. Some of us will be lucky to marry the one and only, and be able to grow with their partners happily. However some of us won't be as lucky. I don't feel it means they are failures, it is just unfortunate.

And no you are NOT being selfish by loving another person. Nor are you being cruel to your children. I think people owe it to themselves to be happy. They also owe it to their children to be honest. Seriously, who wants to be spending 10 years in a loveless marriage?

Cheating is a selfish act though. If people feel their marriage is over after trying hard to mend it, they need to separate in a respectful manner and not cheat.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Stories like this one in the NY Times remind me of the speech that Bill Pullman's character from Sleepless in Seattle gives when he gets dumped on Valentine's Day. "I don't want to be someone that you or anybody else settles for. Marriage is hard enough without such low expectations."

If my spouse honestly believed he loved someone else, I would not want to stay with him. I would want the opportunity to find someone who would be a true partner in life with me.

That's not to say that I don't have some sympathy for people who find themselves in this situation. It must be horrible to realize or to think that you've married the wrong person. This particular couple though seems emotionally tone deaf. The article seems like a slap in the face to their former spouses.

 

[yssie]

Heh, yeah, I'm odd in my way. I could work through infidelity and various crushes, but if he was actually in love with someone else...like somebody else said, you have to "let" yourself fall in love to a certain degree. It's my personal quirk that I'd more easily work through a one-night-stand that happened in the heat of the moment, than make peace with the fact that my husband now loves someone else more than me. I remember in previous threads a lot of women would not forgive a cheating spouse, I would think a spouse that fell in love with another woman would be worse? (And I don't just mean has a crush on another woman, I mean "If it weren't for my vows, I'd leave you for her".)

I think I'm with you on this MTG. If DH had a one night stand, well, I'd probably chase him around with my new cast iron ladle, we'd most probably break up, but I wouldn't feel - like the least desirable creature on the planet. I'd be hurt, and furious, and I hope I would put the blame solely on his shoulders where it belongs. If DH fell in love with a man - well, again, not much to blame myself for on that one. But if DH told me he was in love with another woman, in the way that you describe... heartbroken, shattered, un-lovable, even guilty wouldn't begin to describe it - that, of all possible scenarios, would be the most painful by far.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Heh, yeah, I'm odd in my way. I could work through infidelity and various crushes, but if he was actually in love with someone else...like somebody else said, you have to "let" yourself fall in love to a certain degree. It's my personal quirk that I'd more easily work through a one-night-stand that happened in the heat of the moment, than make peace with the fact that my husband now loves someone else more than me. I remember in previous threads a lot of women would not forgive a cheating spouse, I would think a spouse that fell in love with another woman would be worse? (And I don't just mean has a crush on another woman, I mean "If it weren't for my vows, I'd leave you for her".)

I think I'm with you on this MTG. If DH had a one night stand, well, I'd probably chase him around with my new cast iron ladle, we'd most probably break up, but I wouldn't feel - like the least desirable creature on the planet. I'd be hurt, and furious, and I hope I would put the blame solely on his shoulders where it belongs. If DH fell in love with a man - well, again, not much to blame myself for on that one. But if DH told me he was in love with another woman, in the way that you describe... heartbroken, shattered, un-lovable, even guilty wouldn't begin to describe it - that, of all possible scenarios, would be the most painful by far.

Most people say they would be more devastated my their partner falling in love with someone else than they would be if he/she had a one night stand.

Research suggests the reason for this is that being in love *implies* sex (even if none actually took place, the implicit assumption is there), whereas a one-night stand does not imply love. So the former is a double whammy of betrayal (love and sex) whereas the latter is only a single whammy.

For people who think sex implies love they are just as devastated by the notion of their partner having sex with another person!

Fun fact of the night.

 

[HollyS]

"Marriage without a commitment (or a good faith effort at commitment) is a mockery of marriage."

Exactly this.


This couple has experienced a lot of flack for their write-up in the NYT. They should have kept their dirty laundry to themselves. Gee, now they are actually having to deal with some fallout from their actions.

Isn't it a pity.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I don't believe in a single soul mate. I think that connections for whatever reason can be incredibly strong and chemistry can create a draw difficult to resist.

But when these intensities run their course you are ultimately left with a real relationship that needs real effort. They payoff being a shared lifetime. I dunno, I have been in different phases in myself and in my marriage but at the end of the day I don't know that it really matters WHO you're with but that you are both working toward each other's and your own happiness. Your goals don't even have to be the same as long as you are willing to accept the differences and not sabotage one another.

 

[Indylady]

Ugh, seriously?

Ha-ha..and they're celebrating by getting married and exchanging vows! How ironic.

 

[Indylady]

As someone from a family where my parents divorced and remarried - I'm glad they divorced.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to both parents and for us. People often stay together for the children's sake - what most people don't realise is - as children we can feel the lack of attachment/love between parents. We may not understand it but we surely do feel it. It's better to be divorced than be in an unhappy marriage. Obviously - you want to be respectful and separate without the cheating etc.

I really do feel if your partner or you have feelings for someone else more than just a mere attraction, there is something missing from your relationship or there is a personal issue within the person looking. Often people, especially men, will pod along and get comfortable. Once they get comfortable, they forget to appreciate one another or keep the 'passion' alive.

There is a huge difference between butterflies feeling to feeling not appreciated. I don't think there is anything wrong with a wife/husband who wants affection and appreciation from their partners. In a good marriage or any relationship, this is needed. For each person to show appreciation and affection. How else do you feel loved? Because a man married you and you're still married?
I don't think so. Many married couples aren't in love with their partners - they just get comfortable and stay there.

The issue is people show expressions of love in different ways. Often women want one thing and men do another thing. Vice versa.
So advice to all the people out there - communicate to your parner what makes you feel loved etc. It will do wonders.
Relationships are a working progress.

As for the marriage - till death do us part - people do change as we age. Some of us will be lucky to marry the one and only, and be able to grow with their partners happily. However some of us won't be as lucky. I don't feel it means they are failures, it is just unfortunate.

And no you are NOT being selfish by loving another person. Nor are you being cruel to your children. I think people owe it to themselves to be happy. They also owe it to their children to be honest. Seriously, who wants to be spending 10 years in a loveless marriage?

Cheating is a selfish act though. If people feel their marriage is over after trying hard to mend it, they need to separate in a respectful manner and not cheat.

I can understand your sentiments Diva, I really can. I don't think that the fact that these two people divorced their spouses that is really rubbing people in this thread the wrong way, but they divorced for each other and then put the story of their new love in the NYT. It just seems like a double dose of pain for everyone involved (except the new couple).

 

[Cehrabehra]

I just think its funny that he's a soon to be CEO - why publish this when starting a new high profile job?

I'm sure they thought their love is SO special that it justified everything and was this magic pass, this secret inside information, this more special than anything ever existed love that just HAD to be shared. En masse.

 

[diva rose]

I can understand your sentiments Diva, I really can. I don't think that the fact that these two people divorced their spouses that is really rubbing people in this thread the wrong way, but they divorced for each other and then put the story of their new love in the NYT. It just seems like a double dose of pain for everyone involved (except the new couple).

Yes I do agree. Putting their story for the world to see is very tacky and cruel.

 

[Haven]

I just think its funny that he's a soon to be CEO - why publish this when starting a new high profile job?

I'm sure they thought their love is SO special that it justified everything and was this magic pass, this secret inside information, this more special than anything ever existed love that just HAD to be shared. En masse.

Cehra! This made me laugh out loud, which is something I rarely do.
Sad thing is, I bet you are absolutely right.
GAG.

 

[Ara Ann]

Well...I can sum it up this way. They truly deserve each other and are certainly soul mates in narcissism if not true love!

 

[April20]

I believe that marriage is a very serious lifetime vow that you enter into. You don't just leave the marriage because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. I question how invested someone is in a marriage if they're in a mindframe where they're still "looking"; open to finding someone else. There was a previous thread about being friends with someone of the opposite sex after you're married. This is exactly why I think a man and a woman should not form a close personal friendship after they're married. Why open the door to this? When you're in this situation, how long is it before you're confiding in that person rather than your spouse and feelings start to develop? If you're fully invested in making your marriage a lifetime commitment, it seems to me that you wouldn't even consider anyone else as a viable option.

 

[HollyS]

I just think its funny that he's a soon to be CEO - why publish this when starting a new high profile job?

I'm sure they thought their love is SO special that it justified everything and was this magic pass, this secret inside information, this more special than anything ever existed love that just HAD to be shared. En masse.

Cehra! This made me laugh out loud, which is something I rarely do.
Sad thing is, I bet you are absolutely right.
GAG.

She had me laughing, too! That was the perfect comment about this ridiculous pair of nobodies. Legends in their own minds.

 

[mary poppins]

Here's a follow up article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thecu.../groom-regrets-scandalous-nyt-wedding-feature

 

[decodelighted]

I just think its funny that he's a soon to be CEO - why publish this when starting a new high profile job?

I'm sure they thought their love is SO special that it justified everything and was this magic pass, this secret inside information, this more special than anything ever existed love that just HAD to be shared. En masse.

Cehra! This made me laugh out loud, which is something I rarely do.
Sad thing is, I bet you are absolutely right.
GAG.

She had me laughing, too! That was the perfect comment about this ridiculous pair of nobodies. Legends in their own minds.

This. Special special snowflakes. All of them. As if EVERYONE who ever married their illicit lover DOESN"T ALSO think that their love is so so so SPESH. Destined. Worth all the heartache & misery. (When, of course, the odds are 75% of them will divorce). Another for good measure.

 

[LGK]

What do I think? I think it's a horrible idea. Marry and if you possibly can, stay married. It's "until death do us part, for richer or poorer" etc. It's marriage. It's not "I like your boyfriend and I'm going to slip him a note in class and try to steal him away from you." WTF.

You wouldn't think a gay person would have a "traditional" view of marriage maybe, but there it is. It's not that I don't believe in divorce under certain circumstances, but "falling in love with someone else's spouse" just makes me want to scream, "Get control of yourself and grow up."

For real. It is fascinating how many people seem to act like stuff just *happens* to them, and they don't make choices in life. Yeah. I totally agree that if you are falling in love with someone else when you're married, you made a choice to do that. Plus quite possibly they have been ready to leave the existing relationship and looking for a nice easy excuse. I've definitely seen plenty of people I know pull that one.

And yeah, if you're attracted to someone else even if you're happily married? You better have a pre-thought-out strategy for when that occurs. because it will! And vacationing with said person? Isn't a good strategy! You just don't do that without asking for trouble. Just limit contact and move the heck on with your life. No biggie, if you're happily married and a secure person in your own life to begin with.

 

[Imdanny]

This couple will probably get divorced soon enough. What goes around comes around.

 

[tenorgirl33]

Here's another couple follow up articles:

Ex-Husband Tells His Side

Jilted Ex Blasts NY Times

 

[DiaDiva]

The irony is he is somebody who's supposed to be a branding expert. That's hardly the best way to brand himself.

It's such a small world, I actually used to work in the same company as him - Young & Rubicam which owned Brand Buzz where he used to work.