Family Drama - need help desperately

[galvana]

Hi All
So my youngest sister, 22, told me last week that she did not want to be in my JULY wedding because she "hates" weddings.
She is very negative, hates the world, etc
I am honestly 100% fine with her NOT being a bridesmaid because she has been nothing but negative during this entire process, so im kind of relieved that I dont have to worry about her saying " i hate weddings " the morning of while we are getting hair/makeup done. I think i may have killed her, literally.

So, now my bachelorette was this past weekend. she was out of control. We went to a nice fancy sushi place for dinner and then we going to go back to a friends for drinks, low key bachelorette as i am in my mid 30''s and so aren''t a lot of my friends so this is what i wanted.
Well little sister was LOUD< obnoxiurs, rawnchy and compeltely discusting at the restauarant, we were all drinking scorpian bowls and getting a buzz on but she was burping these big huge LOUD burps, yelling obsenities, like get me my cock and ball straw, and other horrific things, so bad that we had to leave the restaurant early cuz she was getting out of control. Just very imature.
We go back to friends house where she continues to belch out loud, swear and tell loud inappropriate jokes. finally another my MOH asked her to please stop burping and being so gross and after a bit of back and forth, little sister says "well this is how i am, you can''t accept me for me, you dont accept me for the person i am, then i will leave"
another bridesmaid says " no, we all love you here, we are just asking you to please stop burping and being so vulger as its making us sick", then i come over and say, honey just please agree to stop it and we can move on, this is silly =- we all love you. She gets upset and says again "this is how i am, you wont accept me as i am"
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - clearly she doesn''t get it. SO she storms out and leaves.
I tried to talk to her the following day and she doesn''t get it. She is upset with me that I dont accept her. I keep trying to explain you just dont act that way infront of people, its rude and she just yells that she isn''t good enough and im trying to change her, and blah blah blah.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo angry at this point.
and i am HONESTLy thinking that i do NOT want her to come to the wedding at all. I am terrified she is going to act out like this at the wedding and then she will be asked to leave and it will be a scene. I dont want her upsetting my family, my grandmother, or embarassing me infront of FI''s family.

What do i do? If you are going to ask me, will I be sad if she is not there? the answer is honestly no. But i will be stressed if she does come= as i''ll be afraid of what she may do.

i can''t believe this is happening to me so CLOSE to the wedding.

 

[cocolaw]

i don''t know what to tell you! my feeling is that since she is 22, she was trying to impress you and your friends. she probably thought she was being funny and cool and was very embarrassed when she was told that she was not! if she does stay in the bridal party, then my feeling is that she is going to be on her best behavior on the day of the wedding. i don''t know her though!

 

[galvana]

a few things though, she told me she does NOT want to be in the bridal party, so she isn''t. she is just coming as a guest.
and everytime when we were out, everytime she burped loud like that i went over to her and said honey, please dont do that. please dont.
but she just kept on, you are right though, she thought she was being funny and cool. the first few times she did it - the ladies did laugh, i think they were all in shock and didn''t know what else to do, but it got OLD and gross real quick.

When my MOH pulled her aside to ask her to stop - it could have been settled in like one minute but she just got upset.
I came over to tell her we loved her, other bridesmaid did the same. she wasn''t hearing it.

Im so upset and so angry.

I seriously want to run away. i do not want her there and it makes me sad that i truly feel this way

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Sweetie, this is the LAST thing you should have to worry about so close to your wedding. I''m in a tough love kind of mood today so I''m going to say let her do her own thing. It''s better to be hands off and let her come/not come than it is to try and force her to do the right thing. She is clearly having some self esteem problems and they''re probably exacerbated by you getting married. I''m assuming she''s not in a relationship right now?

You can''t change people and while her behavior is disgusting at best, some people don''t know better. From the sound of it she DOES know better and just doesn''t care. If she doesn''t care enough about you to behave appropriately at your wedding then she shouldn''t be there. Let her make the decision. This is going to sound juvenile, but would you consider having your mother/grandmother/aunt (older female person) pull her aside for a talk before the wedding to have this discussion with her? It sounds like if you bring this up she''ll feel more rejected and will act out more.

 

[cocolaw]

good idea about having a grandma talk to her!!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

that is a toughy!! is there anyone else in your family that can have ''a word'' with her before the wedding?

It sounds to me like she is still pretty immature for a 22 year old so maybe she will respond to being set straight by someone in the family.. ''this is iloveprincesscuts day, don''t even think about doing anything that may cause xyz''

I can understand why you wouldn''t be bothered if she wasn''t at the wedding now, but, how do you think you will feel in 5 - 10 years time about it? regrets?

 

[mayachel]

Is this usual behavior for her? Without knowing, it does sound like she is "acting-out" all of a sudden. We can only speculate as to why, fear of loosing you? Worried she won''t look good in her BM dress? Wishing she was getting so much attention? Fear that she''ll never get married herself? Even if she can figure it out for herself (which may not happen soon enough), perhaps gently giving her a, here''s what I need from you...talk. What is appropriate in certain situations etc...as opposed to in the moment like the B-party. Than if she once again says she hates weddings, let her know that you really want her to be part of your day, but understand if she doesn''t. Then let her decide if she plans to mature in time.

Good luck!

 

[galvana]

Thanks all for the comments so far:
Hudson_Hawk -cocolaw
sadly there is really no one to talk to her, my grandmother egnore her poor behavior as she doesn''t like to "upset" anyone. Last year when we went to try on dresses for the first time, we all went to lunch afterwards, gram - all bridesmaids, etc, Sister god mad at something someone said and sat there and pouted and wouln''dt speak to ANYONE at the table all of a sudden, she just sat there silent and pouting, i finally said Sister are you ok? what is wrong and grandmother tapped my under that table and said "dont say anythign, just leave her alone". So unfortunately, gram doesn''t like to "talk about not nice things" ughhhhhhh -
my FI is the only one that I think could talk to her, they get along and she seems to like him. I dont know though.

hawaiianorangetree
she has been negative in general for several years, i keep trying and trying and trying with her, she needs therapy, counseling, something, and she wont go.
honestly i feel like im am just DONE. im on E, i have run out of fuel on her. I do not think i will be sad in years to come if she isn''t there.

mayachel
she has always been negative but yes this is a bit of acting out and even worse then her normal negative self. She always says she is never good enough and i dont except her. I have done everything i can possibly think of to show her i love her and that her feelings are wrong, but she doens''t notice and is not thankful for anything i do.
1) i got her a job at my company, put my name on the line to get her "in" - i would not do this for anyone but i did it for her because 1) i wanted her to feel like i was proud of her and 2) i wanted her to be "set, it is so so hard to get a job where i work but once you are "in", you are in and can move around to different departments.
What did she do? one month into the job, she got upset w/her boss and told him to F**k you in the middle of her shift and she walked out, i found out two weeks later.
2) i always plan a huge suprise birthday party for her each year pulling out all the stops to make her feel special and that her day and she are important to me.
she never appreciates it
3) im always calling her to ask about her work, always trying to give her a pep talk, tell her how proud i am of her, etc.
None of it matters, and im just giving up.

im so upset

 

[zipzapgirl]

It doesn''t sound like the problem is that she doesn''t know what''s inappropriate. Clearly she knows what is inappropriate and is acting out by doing those things which will push your buttons.

One thing it''s always good to remember is that you are not responsible for other people''s actions. The choices they make and the ways they choose to react to life''s events are their responsiblity.

Weddings can be really tough for people who are single or unhappy in their own relationships. I know I often felt that my friends getting married were really wrapped up in their wedding stuff and insensitive to my feelings. Looking back, they probably had no idea I was so unhappy or jealous, but it did produce a certain bitterness in me. Maybe you should focus less on letting this become an existential crisis for your sister and more on helping her see this as a day that is special for you and that you enjoy having her share with you, or even just a good party?

From your post, it sounds like you are bending over backwards for her and trying to help her achieve the same things you want. Since this seems to produce more resentment, maybe just back off for a while and let her express herself on her own terms. I have a close family member who does everything the exact opposite of me and resented me for a long time. I''ve tried to accept his non-traditional life as he envisions it and just opened up to listening to him--no more suggestions or help on my part--and let him accept the wedding and my evolving life as he could share it.

I hope you find a way to reach a peaceful equilibrium with your sister. IMO you should definitely invite her. Despite some misgivings on our part, everyone really came through for our wedding and was at their best and I hope this would be the case for your sister as well.

 

[galvana]

Thank you zipzapgirl - i am definitly backing off, wayyyyyyyyy off.
if she calls me, im here, i love her, etc. but im done trying, i feel like even my trying and being nice to her just annoys her.
This entire time, i keep telling her how important she is to me and how happy i am to have her part of my day, and she is just meaner and meaner. lol
i dont get it.

im definitly backing off, im just consumed w/ worry now of what she will do at the wedding, and then with alcohol involved im REALLY worried.
which is my dilemma - which is why im honestly considering telling her she is not welcome.
Im so afraid that 1)im going to be worried about her all day and 2) what if she does act out and is asked to leave? it will break my gram''s heart and i can''t have that.
im so afraid.

i dont know what to do.
thank you all for talking this through w/ me, its consuming me right now.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 6/15/2009 10:21:24 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Thanks all for the comments so far:
Hudson_Hawk -cocolaw
sadly there is really no one to talk to her, my grandmother egnore her poor behavior as she doesn''t like to ''upset'' anyone. Last year when we went to try on dresses for the first time, we all went to lunch afterwards, gram - all bridesmaids, etc, Sister god mad at something someone said and sat there and pouted and wouln''dt speak to ANYONE at the table all of a sudden, she just sat there silent and pouting, i finally said Sister are you ok? what is wrong and grandmother tapped my under that table and said ''dont say anythign, just leave her alone''. So unfortunately, gram doesn''t like to ''talk about not nice things'' ughhhhhhh -
my FI is the only one that I think could talk to her, they get along and she seems to like him. I dont know though.

hawaiianorangetree
she has been negative in general for several years, i keep trying and trying and trying with her, she needs therapy, counseling, something, and she wont go.
honestly i feel like im am just DONE. im on E, i have run out of fuel on her. I do not think i will be sad in years to come if she isn''t there.

mayachel
she has always been negative but yes this is a bit of acting out and even worse then her normal negative self. She always says she is never good enough and i dont except her. I have done everything i can possibly think of to show her i love her and that her feelings are wrong, but she doens''t notice and is not thankful for anything i do.
1) i got her a job at my company, put my name on the line to get her ''in'' - i would not do this for anyone but i did it for her because 1) i wanted her to feel like i was proud of her and 2) i wanted her to be ''set, it is so so hard to get a job where i work but once you are ''in'', you are in and can move around to different departments.
What did she do? one month into the job, she got upset w/her boss and told him to F**k you in the middle of her shift and she walked out, i found out two weeks later.
2) i always plan a huge suprise birthday party for her each year pulling out all the stops to make her feel special and that her day and she are important to me.
she never appreciates it
3) im always calling her to ask about her work, always trying to give her a pep talk, tell her how proud i am of her, etc.
None of it matters, and im just giving up.

im so upset

I''m so so sorry you''re going through this. I have a brother (he''s 23 now) who has disruptive behavior CONSTANTLY. He''s an adult with ADHD...and ADHD takes on many forms (some even without the H part...but it''s still all considered ADHD, I''ve come to find out). Anyway, he''s had problems with authority and things constantly, too. I''ve done much like you where I''ve put myself on the line, bent over BACKWARDS to help him, and he''s shown no gratitude and has messed up every chance he''s ever gotten. He moved to where I live and was here for a year and a half or 2 years...and in that time he went through 4 different jobs....he got fired from each and every one of them except for the last one. It''s because he snaps at everyone, if he''s corrected by a manager, he just gets angry and defensive and argues with the person, and more. It''s not just a matter of immaturity (though there IS that), it''s also a problem he has chemically. He needs medication desperately, but he''s old enough where he can''t be forced to do so. Unfortunately, I also got him into a place that would allow for him to have FREE counseling and FREE medication, but little by little he stopped going and didn''t care...so, there you have it. Finally, he decided to move back home (i live about 400 miles from where the rest of my family lives), and I was SO relieved. However, he''s now living with our dad who is a diabetic that lost BOTH legs, gets sick frequently, etc., and treats him like DIRT. He doesn''t pay rent, hasn''t gotten a job since moving back home a year ago Easter, and in general, is spiraling out of control.

I''m telling you all of this not to make this about me, but to let you know 1) I know EXACTLY how you''re feeling and 2) unfortunately, everything in the world you could do for this person won''t change a thing until THEY are ready to change...which may NEVER happen. So, that being said, I know it may feel like you will ruin your relationship with your sister if you ask her not to attend the wedding, but at the same time, I can 100% understand why you''d feel much less stressed without her there. The only thing I can think to do right now is ask your FI to speak with her. Hopefully he''ll make her understand that for one day in her life, she needs to not act out...and, if she gets upset/offended by this, maybe it would be for the best if he asks her not to come. It will appear MUCH better if it comes from HIM, rather than you. However, if he IS able to get through to her, hopefully this little talk with straighten her out at least for the few hours you''re asking her to behave. I know, for me, my brother KNOWS better, but has a hard time controlling his impulsiveness. BUT, if he really, really tries, he can behave. However, if, like at your b-party, it''s in the moment, he''ll get angry and defensive and nothing you say will calm him down until later. THEN later he''ll apologize. Sounds like your sis isn''t this way, but, maybe it''s all the years of counseling my bro DID get as a child that''s enabled him to do this. Who knows???

Anyway, I''m sorry if my post didn''t make sense...I''m trying to be cohesive, but I just have so many thoughts and feelings going on because I''ve been in the same boat as you am trying to think of what has worked with my bro in the past and what hasn''t. I can ONLY imagine how difficult this is for you. I hope it all gets resolved. Try having a talk with your FI and see what his input might be?? *BIG HUGS to you*

 

[Italiahaircolor]

People aren't always cut from the same cloth. Even though her behavior is fairly vulgar...I think its a reflect of her, not you and not something you should let stress you out this close to the wedding.

In a perfect world she'd slap her forehead and wonder where all that un-ladylike behavior came from, but it's like she said "this is who I am"--burps, explicit talk and all. I think it may have been intensified due to the alcohol and social grouping where she probably felt uncomfortable considering these are all of your people and she's just the little sister. But, she's being very honest in saying she has no interest in changing her ways. You can't change people who don't want to change.

I think that you need to remain positive, the wedding is rapidly approaching and there are bigger things to involve yourself in outside of changing someones ways. In the end, she's still yourself...you don't want to make her feel like she isn't good enough to be around you....

 

[Erin]

I wouldn''t tell her anything along the lines that she is not welcomed or uninvited. This will only re-emphasize that she is not good enough, or you are unwilling to accept her.

 

[galvana]

Date: 6/15/2009 10:59:05 AM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Date: 6/15/2009 10:21:24 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Thanks all for the comments so far:
Hudson_Hawk -cocolaw
sadly there is really no one to talk to her, my grandmother egnore her poor behavior as she doesn''t like to ''upset'' anyone. Last year when we went to try on dresses for the first time, we all went to lunch afterwards, gram - all bridesmaids, etc, Sister god mad at something someone said and sat there and pouted and wouln''dt speak to ANYONE at the table all of a sudden, she just sat there silent and pouting, i finally said Sister are you ok? what is wrong and grandmother tapped my under that table and said ''dont say anythign, just leave her alone''. So unfortunately, gram doesn''t like to ''talk about not nice things'' ughhhhhhh -
my FI is the only one that I think could talk to her, they get along and she seems to like him. I dont know though.

hawaiianorangetree
she has been negative in general for several years, i keep trying and trying and trying with her, she needs therapy, counseling, something, and she wont go.
honestly i feel like im am just DONE. im on E, i have run out of fuel on her. I do not think i will be sad in years to come if she isn''t there.

mayachel
she has always been negative but yes this is a bit of acting out and even worse then her normal negative self. She always says she is never good enough and i dont except her. I have done everything i can possibly think of to show her i love her and that her feelings are wrong, but she doens''t notice and is not thankful for anything i do.
1) i got her a job at my company, put my name on the line to get her ''in'' - i would not do this for anyone but i did it for her because 1) i wanted her to feel like i was proud of her and 2) i wanted her to be ''set, it is so so hard to get a job where i work but once you are ''in'', you are in and can move around to different departments.
What did she do? one month into the job, she got upset w/her boss and told him to F**k you in the middle of her shift and she walked out, i found out two weeks later.
2) i always plan a huge suprise birthday party for her each year pulling out all the stops to make her feel special and that her day and she are important to me.
she never appreciates it
3) im always calling her to ask about her work, always trying to give her a pep talk, tell her how proud i am of her, etc.
None of it matters, and im just giving up.

im so upset

I''m so so sorry you''re going through this. I have a brother (he''s 23 now) who has disruptive behavior CONSTANTLY. He''s an adult with ADHD...and ADHD takes on many forms (some even without the H part...but it''s still all considered ADHD, I''ve come to find out). Anyway, he''s had problems with authority and things constantly, too. I''ve done much like you where I''ve put myself on the line, bent over BACKWARDS to help him, and he''s shown no gratitude and has messed up every chance he''s ever gotten. He moved to where I live and was here for a year and a half or 2 years...and in that time he went through 4 different jobs....he got fired from each and every one of them except for the last one. It''s because he snaps at everyone, if he''s corrected by a manager, he just gets angry and defensive and argues with the person, and more. It''s not just a matter of immaturity (though there IS that), it''s also a problem he has chemically. He needs medication desperately, but he''s old enough where he can''t be forced to do so. Unfortunately, I also got him into a place that would allow for him to have FREE counseling and FREE medication, but little by little he stopped going and didn''t care...so, there you have it. Finally, he decided to move back home (i live about 400 miles from where the rest of my family lives), and I was SO relieved. However, he''s now living with our dad who is a diabetic that lost BOTH legs, gets sick frequently, etc., and treats him like DIRT. He doesn''t pay rent, hasn''t gotten a job since moving back home a year ago Easter, and in general, is spiraling out of control.

I''m telling you all of this not to make this about me, but to let you know 1) I know EXACTLY how you''re feeling and 2) unfortunately, everything in the world you could do for this person won''t change a thing until THEY are ready to change...which may NEVER happen. So, that being said, I know it may feel like you will ruin your relationship with your sister if you ask her not to attend the wedding, but at the same time, I can 100% understand why you''d feel much less stressed without her there. The only thing I can think to do right now is ask your FI to speak with her. Hopefully he''ll make her understand that for one day in her life, she needs to not act out...and, if she gets upset/offended by this, maybe it would be for the best if he asks her not to come. It will appear MUCH better if it comes from HIM, rather than you. However, if he IS able to get through to her, hopefully this little talk with straighten her out at least for the few hours you''re asking her to behave. I know, for me, my brother KNOWS better, but has a hard time controlling his impulsiveness. BUT, if he really, really tries, he can behave. However, if, like at your b-party, it''s in the moment, he''ll get angry and defensive and nothing you say will calm him down until later. THEN later he''ll apologize. Sounds like your sis isn''t this way, but, maybe it''s all the years of counseling my bro DID get as a child that''s enabled him to do this. Who knows???

Anyway, I''m sorry if my post didn''t make sense...I''m trying to be cohesive, but I just have so many thoughts and feelings going on because I''ve been in the same boat as you am trying to think of what has worked with my bro in the past and what hasn''t. I can ONLY imagine how difficult this is for you. I hope it all gets resolved. Try having a talk with your FI and see what his input might be?? *BIG HUGS to you*

Thank you for taking the time to respond and share. Its nice to know im not alone. its so sad, i wish she would get help. she is just so angry and does not see how she acts to people. I know my bridesmaids are relieved she is no longer "in" the wedding as now there will be no more awkward moments with her.
ughhh -
she is just out of control

I only WISH she would see later on that she is wrong, but she never does. I spoke to her briefly the day after the b-party and she was angry at me! she said to me, sister do you know what you said to me last night? you said you dont except me for who i am", i responded, no sister, i just dont like the behavior of being so vulgar and inappropriate in public. Its just nice apprpropriate to act that way unless you are alone in the privacy of your own home.
she didn''t get it and wouldn''t hear it. all she kept saying was, well this is how i am. you need to except me for me.
ughhhhhhhhhhhh

 

[NakedFinger]

Date: 6/15/2009 9:26:49 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
a few things though, she told me she does NOT want to be in the bridal party, so she isn''t. she is just coming as a guest.
and everytime when we were out, everytime she burped loud like that i went over to her and said honey, please dont do that. please dont.
but she just kept on, you are right though, she thought she was being funny and cool. the first few times she did it - the ladies did laugh, i think they were all in shock and didn''t know what else to do, but it got OLD and gross real quick.

When my MOH pulled her aside to ask her to stop - it could have been settled in like one minute but she just got upset.
I came over to tell her we loved her, other bridesmaid did the same. she wasn''t hearing it.

Im so upset and so angry.

I seriously want to run away. i do not want her there and it makes me sad that i truly feel this way

She seems crazy immature for a 22 year old. But this is coming from someone who had a serious relationship, career and a house before their 21st b-day, so maybe I am a little "off" on what a 22 year is supposed to act like! LOL

However, I highlight your comment because due to lack of maturity, it is hard for some people to handle lack of attention, focus on someone else, etc. Just an example, I as at my grandma''s b-day party (whom my sister, who is 22 as well, doesnt even like). After the party, we hung out with my parents as she goes "everyone is always talking about how beautiful NakedFinger is. They are always saying she is so striking, and she is this and this and that" and basically quoted a bunch of comments people had made that I honestly didnt even hear, and am 1) suprised she picked up on and 2) surprised she cared. It was very "Marcia Marcia Marcia". But I can understand it bothering her. So take that and mutliply it by 1,000 when it comes to someones wedding. All the focus is on the bride, its all about her, etc. So her lack of maturity and grace, and understanding is causing her to "act out" to gain attention.

Is it annoying? Yes. Would I not invite her to the wedding because of it?? NOOOO. You''ll regret not having her there later, and your relationship will be harmed because of it.

 

[galvana]

thank you NF, i value every opinion here. i honestly dont know what to do so keep them coming.

 

[rhbgirl24]

No offense to your sister, but my MOH is 20! She''s my little sister and is 8 years younger than me. NO WAY would see act like this, knowing full well it would embarrass me.

To tell you the truth, it seems like she may not like the attention on you and this may be a way for her to focus on herself.

I would invite her to the wedding, because you may regret not doing so later. But can maybe someone other than you talk to her? Maybe your mother? someone? so it isn''t always just coming from you?

 

[galvana]

The only person I can think of to talk to her is my FI.
My moh already tried at the bparty and you can see it didn''t go well.
Sadly our mom past when sister was 6 yrs old. I was 17 so have been the older adult figure in her life. There is gram too but she is 85 at this point and like i said earlier "doesn''t like to stir the pot" so to speak.

I have two options

1) call her now and tell her i dont want her there, this will take a huge weight off my shoulders and i will have NO WORRIES about her ruining my day
- but im not 100% this is the right thing to do

2) i wait a bit, maybe til the week of the wedding - and then have FI call her and tell her we want her there but if she comes, she must behave.

ughhhhhhhh - what do i do?

1) and be harsh now
or
2) and take the risk of her messing up the day

 

[risingsun]

I'm going to put on my counselor's hat and present this with a different perspective. You do not, and rightly so, have to accept Sister's inappropriate behavior. That doesn't mean that you don't love her, but her actions are out of line. When you and others have tried to speak with her, she becomes passive-aggressive. Your wedding is not about accomodating your sister's emotional problems. You cannot control either her problems or her actions. You need to do whatever you feel is necessary to ensure that you have the wonderful wedding day that you deserve. If that means not inviting her, so be it. It would be entirely the results of her own actions. You could speak with her and let her know that her dislike of weddings--yours specifically--is extremely clear. If she cannot behave like an adult, it would be best for both of you if she does not attend. It's time to set limits and boundaries and not have to worry on your wedding day. I hope all goes well for you. I'm speaking to you as if you were one of my own clients, except we would have had many more sessions to work up to this type of a decision.

 

[galvana]

Thanks RS
So you think i should call her and say something like

"sister, i wanted to talk to you about the wedding, you have made is extremely clear to everyone over the past several months that you hate weddings and mine is no exception, - i have been thinking about what happened this weekend and if you can not act like an adult, i think it will be best for both of us if you do not come to the wedding at all"
and then stop talking, just wait for her to respond?

I know her, i know she''ll respond with.

"you can''t except me as i am, im not good enough to come and you dont want me there cuz im not good enough"

then what do i say?

im so upset. i could cry and that makes me angry -

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think you fail to see that she''s manipulating you. This is not your fault. This is HER issue and HER problem. She''s projecting these feelings onto you so you''ll feel sorry for her and cave to her every whim.

"you can''t except me as i am, im not good enough to come and you dont want me there cuz im not good enough"

"You know what? You''re right. You''re acting like a child and you should be ashamed of yourself. I don''t accept you like this and I won''t accept you until you start to behave like the 22 year old GROWN woman I know you are. This is an adults-only event and if you refuse to act like an adult then you do not have to come."

 

[zipzapgirl]

So she hates weddings and doesn''t show any pleasure thus far in wedding events...

AND

You are fed up with her behavior and don''t know if you even want her there anymore...

Can''t we turn this around a bit more positively? What about you have a talk with her (along with FI, who seems to connect with her) and tell her that you want to make clear that you would like to have her at the wedding, but you understand that maybe it''s not her thing and that it will be her choice whether she comes, no guilt trips or bad feelings if she decides not to. But, that if she comes, you want her only to come out of happiness for the two of you and not out of obligation or hurt feelings. This makes it HER CHOICE and also her responsibility to be the bigger person.

Win-Win?

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/15/2009 2:38:27 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I think you fail to see that she''s manipulating you. This is not your fault. This is HER issue and HER problem. She''s projecting these feelings onto you so you''ll feel sorry for her and cave to her every whim.


''you can''t except me as i am, im not good enough to come and you dont want me there cuz im not good enough''


''You know what? You''re right. You''re acting like a child and you should be ashamed of yourself. I don''t accept you like this and I won''t accept you until you start to behave like the 22 year old GROWN woman I know you are. This is an adults-only event and if you refuse to act like an adult then you do not have to come.''

Couldn''t agree more. A 22-year-old is a grown adult - and I wouldn''t accept that behaviour from a 7-year-old child. You and your friends are being far too nice with the "no, we all love you"s. Sit her down with back-up (fiance, mother, MOH), TELL her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is absolutely not acceptable, and that if she cannot do her best to behave like an adult at your wedding, she will be missed. Stand firm and don''t let yourself be manipulated.

And frankly, your family/grandmother can''t have it both ways - to tiptoe around her now for fear of upsetting her, and then get upset when she ruins your wedding. Nip it in the bud right now.

(It does sound like she has self-esteem and mood issues and by all means help her out with those - AFTER the wedding. You''re not going to fix it before then.)

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/15/2009 2:09:09 PM
Author: risingsun
I''m going to put on my counselor''s hat and present this with a different perspective. You do not, and rightly so, have to accept Sister''s inappropriate behavior. That doesn''t mean that you don''t love her, but her actions are out of line. When you and others have tried to speak with her, she becomes passive-aggressive. Your wedding is not about accomodating your sister''s emotional problems. You cannot control either her problems or her actions. You need to do whatever you feel is necessary to ensure that you have the wonderful wedding day that you deserve. If that means not inviting her, so be it. It would be entirely the results of her own actions. You could speak with her and let her know that her dislike of weddings--yours specifically--is extremely clear. If she cannot behave like an adult, it would be best for both of you if she does not attend. It''s time to set limits and boundaries and not have to worry on your wedding day. I hope all goes well for you. I''m speaking to you as if you were one of my own clients, except we would have had many more sessions to work up to this type of a decision.

This sounds like excellent advice.

I''m sorry your sister is behaving this way, I can imagine that it''s very difficult to deal with this so close to your wedding. I hope you can find some resolution and put this behind you!

 

[galvana]

I think the best thing for me to do is call her, we live in different towns and its rather tough to get together with her.
she may not even agree to it with all that is going on.

I think i just need to call her and figure out a plan of what is best to say..........is this good?

"sister, i wanted to talk to you about the wedding, you have made is extremely clear to everyone over the past several months that you hate weddings and mine is no exception, - i have been thinking about what happened this weekend and your behavior is absolutley not acceptable, if you can not act like an adult, i think it will be best for both of us if you do not come to the wedding at all, you will be missed but it will be best"

then i wait for her to respond?

what if she says, i''ll behave? then what? im afraid that she''ll get a few drinks in her and all that will go out the window?
do i just leave it up to her and if she has to be removed, somehow just "deal" lol
ya right.

AND - what if she says "FINE, then i wont come"? then what do i say, im sorry but its your decision.

Im thinking im going to skip the stupid wedding.

LOL im so upset!

.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/15/2009 3:32:14 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts


''sister, i wanted to talk to you about the wedding, you have made is extremely clear to everyone over the past several months that you hate weddings and mine is no exception, - i have been thinking about what happened this weekend and your behavior is absolutley not acceptable, if you can not act like an adult, i think it will be best for both of us if you do not come to the wedding at all, you will be missed but it will be best''


then i wait for her to respond?

Yes! Absolutely perfect. Those EXACT words.

If she says she''ll behave, and sounds like she means it, I would probably take her at her word. Thank her and tell her how much it means to you. I say this because it sounds like, so far, she has been flat-out refusing to admit to any wrongdoing - so saying she''ll behave would be a huge step in the right direction.

If she says she won''t come, I know it will hurt, but just calmly say again that she will be missed and you still love her. Then put the phone down and don''t be sucked into any more drama. Remember that she might well then cool down and agree to behave. Or if she doesn''t, just as well you find out now and not at the wedding.

I''m so sorry this is causing so much upset for you. Please try not to let it get you down, and focus on all the good things about getting married - ie your fiance

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don''t think the line about her hating weddings is necessary. She''s using that as a crutch for her argument and a distraction from the real problem at hand. It has no bearing on this situation at all. No one REALLY hates weddings, they hate how weddings make them feel (like failures usually).

 

[Circe]

Hm. Do you think there might be anything else behind her intense desire to be accepted for being as "unfeminine" as possible at an event that typically celebrates very traditional gender roles? This could just be my natural tendency to make a narrative out of unrelated events, but the fear of rejection that I''m hearing here has to come from something more than blue humor and intestinal issues ....

Whatever''s causing it, she''s definitely behaving inappropriately, but at the end of the day ... she''s still your sister. I don''t think you can banish her from the wedding without repercussions. My suggestion would be to say something like, "Sis, I value you for you, but you are more than the sum of your bodily functions, just like I''m more than my big white dress. Weddings are inherently performative - so could you please be a part of this and be on your best behavior for the day, even if it''s not ''authentic?''" And if she starts repeating the bit about you not accepting her for who she is, TELL her that she''s repeating herself, you''re repeating yourself, and now it''s time to move on out of that groove - see if you can get to the root of this by breaking the cycle.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/15/2009 3:54:11 PM
Author: Circe
Hm. Do you think there might be anything else behind her intense desire to be accepted for being as ''unfeminine'' as possible at an event that typically celebrates very traditional gender roles? This could just be my natural tendency to make a narrative out of unrelated events, but the fear of rejection that I''m hearing here has to come from something more than blue humor and intestinal issues ....


Whatever''s causing it, she''s definitely behaving inappropriately, but at the end of the day ... she''s still your sister. I don''t think you can banish her from the wedding without repercussions. My suggestion would be to say something like, ''Sis, I value you for you, but you are more than the sum of your bodily functions, just like I''m more than my big white dress. Weddings are inherently performative - so could you please be a part of this and be on your best behavior for the day, even if it''s not ''authentic?'''' And if she starts repeating the bit about you not accepting her for who she is, TELL her that she''s repeating herself, you''re repeating yourself, and now it''s time to move on out of that groove - see if you can get to the root of this by breaking the cycle.

This same thought crossed my mind but I didn''t want to make any assumptions...

 

[risingsun]

Date: 6/15/2009 2:24:04 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Thanks RS
So you think i should call her and say something like

'sister, i wanted to talk to you about the wedding, you have made is extremely clear to everyone over the past several months that you hate weddings and mine is no exception, - i have been thinking about what happened this weekend and if you can not act like an adult, i think it will be best for both of us if you do not come to the wedding at all'
and then stop talking, just wait for her to respond?

I know her, i know she'll respond with.

'you can't except me as i am, im not good enough to come and you dont want me there cuz im not good enough'

then what do i say?

im so upset. i could cry and that makes me angry -

You say to her that you love her very much, buy you cannot accept aspects of her behavior. That you are concerned that she is acting destructively and you will not allow it to spill over onto your wedding. If she would like your help, you will always be there for her, but she needs to take responsilbity for her own actions. Then you stop feeling guilty about it. She is manipulating you and the entire family--it must stop somewhere.

Should she promise to behave and come to the wedding...someone, perhaps a friend of your FI, is given the task of keeping an eye on her. If she starts to behave inappropriately, she is escorted out. The "someone" should be a calm, reassuring person, who is good at soothing a self-pitying, vulgar drunk. Such people exist and can usually get the job done and can put her in a taxi and send her home. No guilt permitted. She is dealing with the consequences of her actions.

'I cannot accept your behavior, as it is, and that is why you cannot come to my wedding. You have the capacity to be a good person, but your actions towards me and others does not show the good person that I know you to be inside. I accept that person fully, but I can't risk being hurt by your continual painful behavior.'