Family Relationships: MIL, DIL, FIL, etc.

[iLander]

I have no contact with any of my family. I reunited with my father only a year or two before he died. Last year sometime I had arranged to see my Dad and my mother happened to be with him when I went to collect him, he said to her oh *my name* is here and she looked at me and said I don't want to see her. That was the first time she had seen me since I left home as a teenager. So clearly there is no love lost there. Regrettably my out laws hate me too but DH tells me they always favoured his brothers over him so he says their behaviour is nothing new. That said, I feel like the common denominator.

Isn't it true that you seek out what you know. I understand that perhaps am comfortable in a broken family dynamic. Perhaps that is one of the factors that helped me to choose my DH; knowing that his family was nuts too. Make of that what you will in researching family dynamics. But whatever it means - it is lonely.

Edit for spelling.

Wow. . . soumds like a bunch of a$$es. . . If they don't want to see you, it's their loss.

 

[iLander]

In my family everyone gets along with one exception, DH's family. As I stated before my MIL hates me because I am not the right nationality. Stupid yes! But that is her and his side of the family. Funny, but he does not miss his family and I think that is because my parents treated him more like a son that his own parents.

Now my sister's MIL is an absolute angel. When my nephews were born she would go over to my sister's and clean and do the shopping for her. If my sister needed a break my mom or her MIL would help out and never asked for anything in return. They never meddled or said you should do it this way or that way. They always said that the kids' mom and dad knew best. I knew there were many times when my mom wanted to say things to me, but she bit her lip. She said I had to figure things out on my own.

Holidays were hard because you wanted to spend them with everyone, but as our family grew we knew that wasn't feasible so we began trading holidays. With my nephew getting married it became even more difficult, but we forge on and know that new traditions need to be formed. Even if we can't spend the hoildays all together we do manage a phone call at the very least.

As to my parents, I absolutely adore them (my mom died several years ago) even though I know I drove them crazy. Yes, I got punished, but my parents always explained why they were punishing me. However, my punishments were never taking something away from me or grounding me. I had to serve the community in some way, whether it was raking my elderly neighbors leaves or cleaning cages at the local SPCA.

Now I tell DD much of what parents told me, primarily that I had to figure out my own future. If something doesn't work out, try something else, but never give up. I am blessed to have a fantastic husband who will always stand by me and grateful to still have my dad.

Sounds like, overall, you've been very lucky. Not the right nationality? What is this the 1800's?

 

[iLander]

As for me personally...I am lucky. I have a MIL who truly just loves to love. My FIL is hard to get to know at first but very loyal. My FIL is the father I never had (I loved mine in the end, but he was abusive). My MIL and I go out of our way to put the comfort of each other first, and that snowballs where I think we both now feel pretty darn loved and it comes even more naturally.

You're VERY lucky!

 

[iLander]

I treated my FIL with respect, love and kindness, beyond more than his biological daughters..

I think a little respect is all anybody really wants, isn't it? The sisters are just head cases!

 

[soocool]

In my family everyone gets along with one exception, DH's family. As I stated before my MIL hates me because I am not the right nationality. Stupid yes! But that is her and his side of the family. Funny, but he does not miss his family and I think that is because my parents treated him more like a son that his own parents.

Now my sister's MIL is an absolute angel. When my nephews were born she would go over to my sister's and clean and do the shopping for her. If my sister needed a break my mom or her MIL would help out and never asked for anything in return. They never meddled or said you should do it this way or that way. They always said that the kids' mom and dad knew best. I knew there were many times when my mom wanted to say things to me, but she bit her lip. She said I had to figure things out on my own.

Holidays were hard because you wanted to spend them with everyone, but as our family grew we knew that wasn't feasible so we began trading holidays. With my nephew getting married it became even more difficult, but we forge on and know that new traditions need to be formed. Even if we can't spend the hoildays all together we do manage a phone call at the very least.

As to my parents, I absolutely adore them (my mom died several years ago) even though I know I drove them crazy. Yes, I got punished, but my parents always explained why they were punishing me. However, my punishments were never taking something away from me or grounding me. I had to serve the community in some way, whether it was raking my elderly neighbors leaves or cleaning cages at the local SPCA.

Now I tell DD much of what parents told me, primarily that I had to figure out my own future. If something doesn't work out, try something else, but never give up. I am blessed to have a fantastic husband who will always stand by me and grateful to still have my dad.

Sounds like, overall, you've been very lucky. Not the right nationality? What is this the 1800's?

iLander, they would all speak Polish in front of me and ignore me. But smart me learned some Polish and I understood what they were saying and it was all bad things about me and my family. Whenever I spoke to them in English they pretended (except for the mom she barely speakes English and has lived here over 50 years) not to understand or ignore me as usual. DH would translate at first for them, then he got tired of their nasty responses.

 

[iLander]

Tgal is wise

I'm not going to get into the whole drama of when it all turned around. But basically at the end of my pregnancy, she overstepped a huge line and treated me like crap over it. From there I have been told that I was a terrible mother for breastfeeding when it was clear my daughter needed more. Told I was horrible for switching to formula when bfing was better. I've been accused (indirectly) of abuse, neglect, (directly) putting my work before my daughter, and just an all around terrible mother. She reminds me any chance she gets that my daughter will always prefer her over me and that my daughter doesn't love my family. She makes my mom feel terrible when she visits for being an "absentee" grandmother. She puts on a HUGE show whenever I do something she doesn't agree with with full on crying, calling my family, and even calling DD's pediatrician. The latest is that she thinks I am letting DD watch scary movies or am yelling at her because DD is going through a shy/scared phase right now.

In short-she sucks. I don't know where my sweet, always want to be around her MIL went but this new person is causing me a lot of stress. I know that a big part of it is that I have to a) learn to let go of the past and b) find a way to let her comments slide off of me. But some of the things she says, whether directly or indirectly, are really hurtful

Wow! That's really weird. Has she changed her attitude toward other people? If so, I would have her given thorough check up. If it's just you that she's mean to, then she is obviously two-faced. Sorry you are having to put up with this!

 

[iLander]

I almost made a big boob though. She was considering become a buddhist. I was appalled because I am a christian and brought my son up in my faith. I gave my opinion which wasn't invited and I really hurt her feelings. I have learned from that and won't interfere again.

I think MIL are held to some kind of unreal standard. Why can't you express your opinion, if you are gentle and loving? Why is it such a "walking on eggshells" thing? But if she is a sweetie, then count your blessings.

 

[iLander]

She has called me a whore multiple times, she has told me my parents have no morals for allowing me to live with Fiance before marriage, she has told us we can never have children due to the fact that I'm half Jewish, and she refuses to accept that we have a big age difference. His dad on the other hand, has no backbone at all and previously told one of his brothers a few years ago that he would have divorced her long ago had it not been for the kids. We all (SO and his siblings) speculate that his crazy health problems that he has had the last 5 years are related in someway to all the stress she causes him. She is ALWAYS on nonspeaking terms with at least ONE of his siblings. His sister, who was adopted, is his mothers puppet. She is the one who is damaged most because she is the one that truly does not have a mind of her own. She stays home, does not work, does not have a license, does not have friends, and watched MTV all day long. When the mom and dad go on vacations she is the one who has to stay home to watch the dogs. She really does not know any better. None of us know what is going to happen when the parents pass because she truly cannot function in normal society. Sadly, because of his mothers psychotic behavior Fiance and her have not been speaking at all since August. She was not invited to our engagement party, and she also has no idea that her oldest son is expecting a child with his wife (who she also hates) because they also do not talk.

Very sad.

She Called you a WHORE? She is a b@#tch on wheels! How can you have 7 kids and still be such a b@#tch? OMG!

 

[iLander]

I am shocked at some of the things you all have had your MILs or FMILs say to you. I am truly sorry you are in such an awful situation and I hope your DHs and FIs stick up for you. Not that I can imagine her ever doing it because it would be so far out of character, but if my MIL acted the way yours are acting I can guarantee we'd have no contact with her for the simple fact that I would never allow DD to witness such behavior. I hope you don't have children or if you do that they never have to see their mother's treated with so little respect.

It is amazing isn't it? I have my own MIL issues, but she's passed, so I won't go into it.

Suffice is to say, give your MIL a hug for being so nice.

 

[iLander]

NB-Two days later she informed me that she held a conference ( ) with her friends and they all decided that I must be allowing her to watch scary movies, there must be an evil spirit in her room

What? Evil spirit? What is she, in a coven?

 

[iLander]

iLander, they would all speak Polish in front of me and ignore me. But smart me learned some Polish and I understood what they were saying and it was all bad things about me and my family. Whenever I spoke to them in English they pretended (except for the mom she barely speakes English and has lived here over 50 years) not to understand or ignore me as usual. DH would translate at first for them, then he got tired of their nasty responses.

Sorry, they're just jerks. Why are people so jerky? Sorry you have to put up with that.

 

[iLander]

All these posts have made me plain mad!

What is wrong with people? Why would anyone DELIBERATELY hurt someone else? Are they so self-centered they have no empathy? I think that is the problem; spoiled, self-centered brats grow up to be obnoxious, rude, broken, adults. I've got to get off this thread,my blood pressure is going up . . .

Well, sorry to everyone for their troubles, I hope it made you feel a little better to vent.

 

[chemgirl]

Wow, these posts make me so thankfull for my inlaws.

I've had a few issues with my step MIL, but nothing that bad. She likes wine, and when she's had wine she loses her filter a bit. She has called me a cat person in a tone where I know she's trying to insult me (but meh? I like cats) and commented on my computer use. Her and her family watch loads of tv. I would estimate about 8 hours a day. It starts to drive me crazy so I used to sit with them, but pull out my laptop and respond to a few emails while they were watching. This really really didn't go over well. It was heading for a pretty big argument, but I decided to let it go and just leave the computer at home when I visit for the weekend. She's getting an ipad for Christmas so we'll see if she's using it during "family" time on boxing day.

bio MIL lives in a different country so I don't see a lot of her. To be honnest, I don't think I like her, but she has been very nice to me so the jury is still out on that one. The issues are more about how she talks about her ex husband (the father of her kids) in front of FI. Its really bad and it seems like she tried really hard to alienate him from his father when he was younger. FI didn't have much of a relationship with his dad or step family until a few years ago and it was totally due to his mom. He finally gave them a chance and they are great. We spend a lot of time with them and they really go out of their way to make sure we feel included.

I love SIL, she is awesome. She has the exact same personality as my sister. Its so weird. They are extremely similar, but chose very different paths in life. They both excel at what they do and are extremely fast to respond to anything. One is a sales manager and the other a lawyer. Very different careers, but they require similar skill sets.

 

[dragonfly411]

Wow. Where do I begin?

Everything with my own family seems to be fine. Yes, we have our quarrels and problems every now and then but we get past it and move on

The problem lies with Fiances family. He grew up with an overly controlling mom that needed to have control over every SINGLE aspect in Fiances life. It has damaged him in more ways than I think he is willing to admit. Not only that, but I can see the damage of her behavior has had a huge impact on every person in his family including all 7 of his siblings. Now that they are all adults, she is trying to hold on even tighter. She does not think any female is good enough for any of her sons (including me) and she is NOT afraid to voice that. She has called me a whore multiple times, she has told me my parents have no morals for allowing me to live with Fiance before marriage, she has told us we can never have children due to the fact that I'm half Jewish, and she refuses to accept that we have a big age difference. His dad on the other hand, has no backbone at all and previously told one of his brothers a few years ago that he would have divorced her long ago had it not been for the kids. We all (SO and his siblings) speculate that his crazy health problems that he has had the last 5 years are related in someway to all the stress she causes him. She is ALWAYS on nonspeaking terms with at least ONE of his siblings. His sister, who was adopted, is his mothers puppet. She is the one who is damaged most because she is the one that truly does not have a mind of her own. She stays home, does not work, does not have a license, does not have friends, and watched MTV all day long. When the mom and dad go on vacations she is the one who has to stay home to watch the dogs. She really does not know any better. None of us know what is going to happen when the parents pass because she truly cannot function in normal society. Sadly, because of his mothers psychotic behavior Fiance and her have not been speaking at all since August. She was not invited to our engagement party, and she also has no idea that her oldest son is expecting a child with his wife (who she also hates) because they also do not talk.


I'm sorry.

Very sad.

 

[JSM]

It is always interesting to read about other people's experiences with their in laws. It helps to give me perspective on my own situations.


DH and I realize that we both have have good relationships with our in-laws, but we also acknowledge that the fact that we live near neither set probably makes that much easier!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It's no secret that I'm not lovey dovey with my IL's...take your pick: MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL....we just do not mesh, some worse than others. Over the years there has been a lot of heartbreak and mud-slinging and nastiness served up and dished out. To say it's taken a major toll would be like the understatement of the year. It all finally came to a head this summer with one of the most heated phone conversations I've EVER been a part of...and for once I didn't temper my responses or hold back...I let it all fly.

But, here is what I have learned, and hopefully someone in a similar situation can look at it and gain some understanding...

Everyone has expectations. Even when you say you don't, you do. Some are reasonable, like being treated kindly, while others are harder to fulfill, like having a healthy, balanced, loving relationship. It's practically impossible to step back from wanting the reasonable expectations met, and it's hard to stomach when they aren't. But the only person you can control is yourself. Deciding how important that relationship is to you will be your guide.

For me, my relationship with my IL's is very important. No matter how hard it's been in the past, I cannot seem to stop wanting a reasonable relationship with them. Even when I say I'm done, I know I'm not, because being done would have ramifications that would potentially hurt my husband--which isn't something I am willing to do.

So, this summer, after we had it out on the phone, I reached out to them again and started a very open and honest conversation with no holds barred.

I explained, in words, where my hurt comes from and why I feel the way I do around them. I then opened the door for them to lay their issues with me as well, and they did. That was incredibly hard because I'm very sensitive and I was never raised to talk back to an adult...but I know that the only way to solve a problem is to confront it without the frills and flowers and sugar coating.

Since then, we're had a few months of peace. I've had nice conversations with them and I've been able to let go of a lot of my resentments because I understand them better now. Of course I don't expect that we'll never have problems again, I'm sure life will dictate that for us. But it's better now that I stopped pretending like I wasn't angry and hurt, and they stopped with the backhanded comments. They know now that they can come to me and I will go to them...we can finally have an open relationship where there is a dialog when there are problems.

My belief is this...when you're an adult, act like it. If the relationship isn't good, it can't get much worse by being honest but at least you'll know that you've done all you can. Some people can't thinking outside of themselves, so you have to do it for them. Be a voice, be heard, and then stick to your guns--set boundaries based on what you will and will not tolerate, be firm in them and let them know be known..."hey, please don't speak to me like that" or "No, I'm sorry but that's not okay with me" same as you would any other relationship in your life.

 

[vintagelover229]

Italia!

Your back!

 

[sctsbride09]

Oh man, hugs to everyone having in law problems, not easy to deal with. My own in-law situation is currently at a very low simmer,as opposed to full on boil as it has been, but this has not come easy. Where to begin? I guess with Mil. When DH and I were first in the process of getting engaged (he let me in on the ring process) we decided to show his mom the setting because we were excited, and asked her to please keep it to herself. Well, within 1 hour, we had his sister, his grandparents and uncle all calling us to demand to know why we had not called to inform them of our engagement. We were NOT engaged at the time, but picking the ring. Im still very angry that she ruined it. WE should have made the announcement. After that, all hell broke loose. First, since DH and I were paying for the wedding, we wanted to do a destination wedding. We also told them that we would be having VERY small guest list think 10 people), and that we would cover the cost of plane tickets, sounds good right?? WRONG. She got on the phone as quick as she could with the other members of her family that would be invited, and made sure that she squashed that dream. She made a huge show about not having the money to pay for a hotel room for 3 nights, and then within a matter of 2 months, proceeded to blow about 7 grand on misc. crap. Now, I know that I shouldnt have expected anyone to take a vacation at their own expense for us, but jesus this was her sons wedding!! And we were going to buy the plane tickets to boot.

So, she ruined that plan, so we decided to have the wedding local. 2 days after telling her that, she dropped off her guest list for her side, with over 80 people on it. Not only were we still planning on having a small wedding (less than 20 people at that point) but we still had my moms list, my DHs fathers list (he and MIL are divorced) and our list too. Long story short, she ended up throwing so many tantrums over so many different things, I was getting beyond stressed and it was damaging my relationship with DH. So he and I had a long discussion about us, our desires for our own family just he and I, and setting bounderies. We ending up quietly eloping alone, with only the officiant, and 2 people for photos. It was the best thing we could have done for ourselves. We established ouselves as a united front, and showed that we could not be bullied by anyone, even parents.

Dont get me wrong, I still have issues with MIL sometimes, like when she talks about sex around me eww, or she gets into my reproductive business, for lack of a better term. Or when she drinks too mch...I could go on and on. I think at this point, its too late for her and I to have a "good" relationship, and I also find her extremely immature anyway, so I just treat her nicely, like any acquantence (SP?) But I watch what I say around her, and what she know about our lives. Mostly, I do it for DH. I love that man more than myself, and if playing nice with his mom makes him happy, I will gladly do it. Its not worth my marriage to say the things I wish I could say to her sometimes, and I dont talk bad about her to my DH either, thats would friends are for. I saw in our engagement how much the conflict between his mom and future wife was hurting him, and I knew that I could not do that to him. I love him, and he deserves better than that, I cant control MILs actions, but I CAN control mine.

 

[trillionaire]

I love my in-laws, they are fantastic! I spent last Sunday with them when I was in-town on work travel, and MIL is sending us a shipment of wine for Thanksgiving. Both of our families will spend New Year's together in Vegas. Our parents get on 4 way conference calls with one another. I feel very blessed and fortunate.

On the converse, my IL's do not have a great relationship with my SIL. (their youngest son's wife). She and BIL are separated, after about 1.5 years of marriage. They have a 1.5 yr old together, and SIL has a 7 or 8 yr old son (bad auntie!, can't remember! ).

Everyone is very frustrated with the situation. BIL wants to reconcile, SIL is not sure. My IL's were not excited about the union to begin with, and to be honest, I don't think it ever started on the right foot. It makes me sad that she really feels like the family never welcomed her or gave her a chance in the first place, and some things were said recently that really did a lot of damage. I know that my IL's are acting out of love and concern for their son, but she's been too hurt/guarded to be able to receive any of it in that way. It was things that FIL said, and he was really, REALLY out of line and disresepctful. It really has been eye-openning, because she is not perfect, but I can really see the role that families can play in the dissolution of a marriage. I really hope things improve. I want my niece and nephew to grow up with two parents in a happy household. Family relationships are so tricky. My inclination is to want to help them improve their relationship with her. I think it's hard to imagine fighting for a marriage when you feel like you have to fight the entire family! I know I would feel totally disinclined. I also don't think it's my place to get involved. It's difficult. I know her mom doesn't care for BIL either, so there are issue on both sides. My IL's really dislike her mom as well. Ugh.

Then there are the kids. The baby is great. Sweet, great kid. The 7 yr old allegedly has ADHD. I don't know much about ADHD, all I know is that he seems like a normal kid to me. Whenever we are together, he seems perfectly able to focus on tasks, sit still, etc. He's actually a pretty good kid, and I feel awful because his mom is impatient with him and yells at him all the time. I find myself always wanting to take him out, solo, so that he can have positive attention and time. He's usually around adults, which I imagine is pretty boring for a kid. He always talks to me, and shows me his games. I write him letters. I really want his parents to send him to stay with us for part of the summer, so that he can experience something different. I don't think that the parenting interactions that he gets are the best, but I'm obviously not there all of the time. It is consistent though... usually threats of physical violence, and yelling, everytime. It's disturbing. I'm scared for the little girl when she grows up, because I think it's hard to have such a verbally abusive/hostile parent. I'm sure it is emasculating for the son, to be yelled at in this manner in front of other people. I can't imagine. My mom was a teacher, my dad a pediatrician. I had a very loving household. They already go to counseling, with the 7 yo. I don't think it has really improved her interactions with him at all. I'm really at a loss on this one.