Family woes...I''m so upset...

[justwondering]

Sorry for the long post...just need some advice on how to proceed. My wedding is in June, so I''m well into planning, but my broken childhood home is rearing its ugly head...

So, months ago, my father, mother and I approved the wording of the parent line of the invitation. There are somewhat bitterly divorced, but it was important to me and my fiancee that we list them as "Linda and James [Last Name]" because, while they were divorced when I was in high school, we wanted to present my family on the invitation, rather than highlight a divorce. Everyone who is receiving the invitation knows their situation, so the line is sort of just to appease me.

Anyway, so months later, I send the invitations out, and my father calls me, telling me I need to reprint and resend the invitation. Turns out, my stepmother (who I truly dislike--she broke up my parent''s marriage) is livid about the wording. She is demanding that I reprint the invitation with my parents names on separate lines. To make things worse, my father is now telling me that he must have misread the original wording, because he would have never approved it as-is.

So, I''m in a pickle. I don''t want to change the wording--it represents my parents, and my family. I don''t want to emphasize their divorce just so my stepmother will feel less awkward. I also am furious that my father would claim to have been "mistaken" by our original plan--I even sent him a proof of the final invitiation, which he signed off on.

So, what would you all do? I need any and all advice...I''m really upset.

Thanks so much in advance for all your help.

 

[Mandarine]

so sorry....I hear your pain because my parents are also divorced. For my invitation we decided to leave our parents'' names out. My parents are divorced and his dad passed the way when he was young...so it was just two painful situations that I didn''t want highlighted in the invitation.

His mom didn''t really like the fact we weren''t going to have the names, but it was OUR wedding so we did it out way. What we decided to do was to have their names in the ceremony program and have a special note to our parents thanking them for their support, etc. It seemed to work and everyone was ok with that.

The fact is he approved the proof though...so you can either confront him about it and tell him they have to live with it and he should make it clear to his wife that he approved it. Or, he can pay for the reprints and maybe don''t list any names?....We said " Together with our parents...Mandarine and Mr Mandarine....etc etc". Just a thought...but it is your wedding and people need to understand that. If they are upset...then well, that is their problem, you did the right thing by approaching everyone at the beginning.

M~

 

[justwondering]

Mandarine,

Thank you so much for your reply!

I wish I had the ability to stand up to my father...the problem I have is that he is helping to pay for the wedding, so I don''t know what I should do...

I just really don''t want to reprint the invitations, you know? I don''t see why my stepmother should have any say in my wedding...I would feel more comfortable if she weren''t even there...

 

[sleeping beauty]

i agree with mandarine. You did the right thing and ask for approval beforehand, which you received. Now just beacause your step mom is not happy about it, doesnt mean that you have to change it, tpo please her. Besides you dont like her , so in my opinion, who cares what she thinks. You got the approval before hand, she needs to suck it up and deal with it, after all it is your family name.

 

[justwondering]

Thanks for the pep talk SB! I think you guys are right...just wish I had more guts...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hmm who cares what she thinks! Okay, your Dad does so I guess it does kind of matter.

Anyway, stand up for yourself! She is acting really immature. This is his DAUGHTER getting married, she should care enough about that to be civil. To be frank, it''s none of her business what you put on the invitations. It''s his business, your mother''s business, your business, your FI''s business, etc. So I would recommend kindly telling your father that you are sorry there was any confusion and/or any issues, but you are NOT reprinting invitations that you believe he signed off on. If you don''t want to resend them, then don''t! If anything I think it would look worse now than it would have originally to highlight the divorce. I know if I received a second invitation I would be like whaaat? Your step-mother needs to respect you and your parents. Just my .02.

 

[decodelighted]

If the invitations have already been mailed out -- it''s CRAZY to reprint & resend NOW!! It will just make your stepmother looks like an insane controlling shrew (perhaps someone should tell her that??) Or they''ll think its a total mistake and wonder what''s going on over there?

Offer, instead, to make the clarification clear in the PROGRAMS so that - day of - no one will confuse the issue & believe your parents are still married. People get the programs the minute the arrive .... hopefully that will be enough "clarity". OOOF!

What would your Dad think if he got a 2nd invitation to something in the mail -- with so small a change that you wouldn''t even know there''d been one? Realistically?

Hopefully the goal is: clarity & that can be accomplished with the program. If the goal of your stepmother is instead to punish & humiliate you ... ack!

 

[diamondfan]

I am just guessing that your step mom put pressure upon him and he is being cowardly.

This is not about her or her tantrums.

He needs to own up to the fact that he signed off on it. I might gently remind him of this. You can tell him while you understand she is upset and perhaps it is being expressed to him, she does not have the clout here. The fact that she broke up their marriage is tough, and makes things tough. \

My invite had name issues too. My father was deceased. I had to put my step dad on there somehow while not ignoring my dad. My mother in law, who normally as one not paying would not even be on a traditional invite, got pissy. So I agreed to put his parents on at the bottom. Then she decided she did not want to be listed as Mr. and Mrs. Blank, but wanted, on an engraved formal invite, Susan and Fred Blank. NO. So I had to word it as follows, so no one got upset.

Mr and Mrs Thomas Smith request the pleasure of your company

at the marriage of her daughter,

Caroline Edwards

to

Mr. Adam Johnson

son of

Mrs. and Mrs. Frederick Johnson


It was complicated to placate all involved, suffice it to say my mother in law went nutty that HER name was not on there. I pointed out, neither is MY MOTHER''S, and she is the mother of the bride and hostess of the event. Yeesh.

I would NOT reprint them. He approved it and is not being fair. I would hope he can get enough of a backbone to set her straight.

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 3/11/2008 11:35:25 PM
Author:justwondering
Sorry for the long post...just need some advice on how to proceed. My wedding is in June, so I''m well into planning, but my broken childhood home is rearing its ugly head...


So, months ago, my father, mother and I approved the wording of the parent line of the invitation. There are somewhat bitterly divorced, but it was important to me and my fiancee that we list them as ''Linda and James [Last Name]'' because, while they were divorced when I was in high school, we wanted to present my family on the invitation, rather than highlight a divorce. Everyone who is receiving the invitation knows their situation, so the line is sort of just to appease me.


Anyway, so months later, I send the invitations out, and my father calls me, telling me I need to reprint and resend the invitation. Turns out, my stepmother (who I truly dislike--she broke up my parent''s marriage) is livid about the wording. She is demanding that I reprint the invitation with my parents names on separate lines. To make things worse, my father is now telling me that he must have misread the original wording, because he would have never approved it as-is.


So, I''m in a pickle. I don''t want to change the wording--it represents my parents, and my family. I don''t want to emphasize their divorce just so my stepmother will feel less awkward. I also am furious that my father would claim to have been ''mistaken'' by our original plan--I even sent him a proof of the final invitiation, which he signed off on.


So, what would you all do? I need any and all advice...I''m really upset.


Thanks so much in advance for all your help.[/QUOTE

Sorry to hear this. Explain to your father you don''t have any funds to reprint invitations and resend them out. Also sending out two invitations will confuse your guests. If you father will pay for the reprint and wants to send the invitations out.. then I guess let him. I would point out that he approved the invitations... He should have read it real well. I agree your stop mom should not have a say!

 

[justwondering]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I love PS for this very reason

Now, I have another lovely note to throw into the mix:

My father has said that, if I don''t want to reprint the invitation, my stepmother will "kindly" (his words!!!!) help organize the reprint for me. They only care that the new invitation go to my father''s parents and his coworkers...And my father says that is perfectly appropriate, and believes that is the correct solution. He now seems to think the original wording is embarassing.

Before, I was just sad...now, I''m SEETHING.

There''s no way I can prevent them from doing this. And, if they want to be that pathetic, I shouldn''t care. But, I do...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 3/12/2008 1:01:38 AM
Author: justwondering
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I love PS for this very reason

Now, I have another lovely note to throw into the mix:


My father has said that, if I don''t want to reprint the invitation, my stepmother will ''kindly'' (his words!!!!) help organize the reprint for me. They only care that the new invitation go to my father''s parents and his coworkers...And my father says that is perfectly appropriate, and believes that is the correct solution. He now seems to think the original wording is embarassing.


Before, I was just sad...now, I''m SEETHING.


There''s no way I can prevent them from doing this. And, if they want to be that pathetic, I shouldn''t care. But, I do...

I think the new wording is downright embarrassing. What gives her the right to send invitations out to YOUR guests? That''s insane!! I had to suggest a feud, but threaten to not invite her to the wedding? I mean something? Come on this is ridiculous, it''s YOUR wedding! You need to put a stop to this now, this woman is out of control.

 

[cara]

I would not reprint and resend but...

I don't feel you made the right call initially, assuming you sent out a standard formal invitation.

You seem aware of the meaning of putting both parents on the same line but DID IT ANYWAY because you wanted the emphasis on a "united" family. However, as much as your parents might love you and want to be united in celebrating your marriage, they themselves are no longer united. And surprisingly, your step-mother minds that you imply that 1) she doesn't exist and 2) her husband is married to someone else.

It seems almost classically therapy-worthy: child of divorce wants to erase it and pretend her parents are happily married for her wedding invitation.

Unconsciously or not, you are putting your father in a difficult position and forcing him to choose between you and his wife. And I say this assuming he approved the initial wording. But maybe you don't mind this. Maybe you are still angry at him, at his wife, for ruining your parent's marriage, and are choosing this matter to express yourself.

If not, I would apologize for the mistake, INSIST that at this point it is best to treat the mistake as a minor typo and not make a big deal out of it by reissuing anything, remind him that he also proofed it, and promise to be more clear and correct in the program.

I should confess that I also have an irrational irritate-father urge related to the fallout from my parent's divorce, but there is no evil-stepmother to blame, and no thoughts of putting them on the same line or in the same room.

 

[justwondering]

cara--

You hit the nail on the head! I do have an extreme dislike of this woman...because of her, I have almost no relationship with my father (she doesn''t like to have me around).

Though, my invitation is not a formal one...it is very low key, and while i don''t really care about the proper etiquette of having my parents listed on separate lines, I had no idea that this was so entirely awful or wrong...I mean, the invite is bright orange and has slang in it!

Honestly, I think I subconsciously wanted to make her squirm. However, why wouldn''t my father have asked me to change this before, during the proof, if it were so wrong??

I guess from now on, Emily Post and my Stepmother have to be involved in everything...sigh...

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with most of what Cara said. But IF they have NOT been sent to the general population, I would re-issue the invites. I would just have them revised to say "together with their parents" and leave it at that-- making dad pay for them as they did have his original approval. However, IF they have already been completely sent out... it would just make YOU and everyone else look sillly to have two sets go out, and I'd follow Cara's advice.

ETA: Just re-read. Well okay so they've been generally sent out and recieved. I wouldn't re-issue.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 3/11/2008 11:35:25 PM
Author:justwondering
Sorry for the long post...just need some advice on how to proceed. My wedding is in June, so I''m well into planning, but my broken childhood home is rearing its ugly head...

So, months ago, my father, mother and I approved the wording of the parent line of the invitation. There are somewhat bitterly divorced, but it was important to me and my fiancee that we list them as ''Linda and James [Last Name]'' because, while they were divorced when I was in high school, we wanted to present my family on the invitation, rather than highlight a divorce. Everyone who is receiving the invitation knows their situation, so the line is sort of just to appease me.

Anyway, so months later, I send the invitations out, and my father calls me, telling me I need to reprint and resend the invitation. Turns out, my stepmother (who I truly dislike--she broke up my parent''s marriage) is livid about the wording. She is demanding that I reprint the invitation with my parents names on separate lines. To make things worse, my father is now telling me that he must have misread the original wording, because he would have never approved it as-is.

So, I''m in a pickle. I don''t want to change the wording--it represents my parents, and my family. I don''t want to emphasize their divorce just so my stepmother will feel less awkward. I also am furious that my father would claim to have been ''mistaken'' by our original plan--I even sent him a proof of the final invitiation, which he signed off on.

So, what would you all do? I need any and all advice...I''m really upset.

Thanks so much in advance for all your help.

First of all, I''m sorry you have to deal with this stress while planning a wedding. While I understand why your stepmother is upset, I really don''t think she has any grounds to impose her wishes on you. They are your wedding invitations and the fact that you took the time out to specifically bring all of the interested parties (which would not include your stepmother IMO) shows that you were fully aware of the sensitivity of the topic and acted accordingly with class. I think your father is trying to stay in his current wife''s good graces but did actually know what he was doing when he approved the line. If possible, I would suggest a compromise in the wording of the programs that would keep your mother and father''s names separate (but hopefully somehow not in too conspicious of a way), but that you would not be changing the invitations because they were sent out already. If need be, I would just say that I don''t have the time or money to resend invitations, whether it is the case or not. This should satisfy your stepmother''s desire for everyone to know of her existence but at the same time (maybe) be less burdensome for you. I hope she calms down and remembers that it is YOUR day and not hers.

 

[justwondering]

Sadly, all have been sent out...I figured that since all was approved back in Nov, I didn''t have to resend samples...

Agh. And, bc we''re having a pretty informal wedding, we''re not planning to have programs.

Anyway, everyone attending knows the entire family situation, so hopefully that will help.

 

[Anna0499]

Hmm...sounds like a sticky situation for sure. I was convinced the program idea might be a good compromise.

I think everyone is 100% in agreement with you that your stepmother/father are being unreasonable and making unfair demands on your wedding. Also, if everyone who is receiving an invitation knows your parents are divorced, I think it is silly to make such a big deal out of it. I know if I received that invitation I would just figure that the two parents are collaborating to put on the wedding, not that your father is suddenly single or remarried to your mother. Maybe you should just print out this thread and hand it to them!

 

[cara]

That''s awesome. You did call it right and make her squirm! I''m sure your father was just being a guy and didn''t really realize what he was "approving," but it now has been explained to him in gory detail.

At this point, your best defense is ignorance. And the casual orange/slang invitation, which one might reasonably infer was written without deference to the formal rules. I do think a convincing apology and plea for calm is warranted just to keep this woman out of Kinko''s, mailing out reprints. My. What a thought. Second invites to correct the implied marital status of the hosts.

 

[justwondering]

Ah, Kinkos...I''m already thinking about the stepmother-revised wording:

Linda [Last name], who is distinctly not married to James [last name], would like to celebrate the marriage of their daughter, a result of their long-forgotten union...

hmmm...maybe its time for me to get some sleep...

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/12/2008 1:54:58 AM
Author: justwondering
Ah, Kinkos...I''m already thinking about the stepmother-revised wording:

Linda [Last name], who is distinctly not married to James [last name], would like to celebrate the marriage of their daughter, a result of their long-forgotten union...

hmmm...maybe its time for me to get some sleep...

Hahahahahaha!!!!!This had me cracking up!!BF was looking at me like I was nuts. I am of the opinion of everyone else-they are totally over reacting and she''s acting like a spoiled brat around the age of 3. He signed off, and now he''s got to pay, unfortunately for him. Do you happen to have that original signature of his that you can send to her?

Apologize and tell her to get over it. Or, I''ll do it if you''d like.

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry you''re going through this Justwondering. I definitely wouldn''t reprint the invitations and I''d stand REALLY FIRM on this. I know the wording as is may look like you''re parents are hosting as a united, married front, but as you''ve said, everyone invited knows the situation.

As far I''d be concerned (if I was in your shoes), your step-mother has made a mockery of what marriage is about anyway (when she had a hand in breaking up your parents'' marriage). I wouldn''t care what her opinion is AT ALL. This is not about her, it''s about YOUR wedding.

 

[bee*]

I totally agree with what cara wrote. But at this stage, what''s done is done, and there''s no way that I would send out new invites. Your dad signed off on the original ones, so he can''t really give out about them now.

 

[lauralu]

well this is a stressful situation to say the least. I do agree that your dad was being a GUY and really did not see it until pointed out in detail to him by his wife. Which is NOT unlike alot of men in alot of situations. "what would this world be like without us ladies" I don''t want to get into this to deep because the invitation situation is most important here. Although I have to say no 1 person can break up a marriage if it isn''t having issues to begin with.

That being said, everyone obviously knows that they are divorced.Their friends included. Your parents being on the same line in an invitation does not mean they are together in any form. Although I do not agree with your reasons for doing this in the first place and that your dad gave it no thought as to any meaning it might have until after the fact and was wanting to make his daughter happy. It really should be just left as is in my opinion.

In the end married or not. They are your biological parents and putting them on one line is just stating that fact in my eyes. They are your parents and you are getting married.

good luck and take care ...........maybe in the end your wedding will give new light for all to show just how happy everyone is for you as one...

 

[Independent Gal]

OK, I preface this by saying that I absolutely know how you feel with respect to the divorced parents and the step-mother.

That said, I''m going to be a bit harsh here. First of all, it was not appropriate or mature for you to play out your dislike of your step-mom on your wedding invitation. Everyone who reads it WILL know the family situation, and therefore they will think "Wow. She''s pretending her parents are still married. Weird." If I got that invitation, I would think you were trying to play out a fantasy of ''happy families'' to add to your wedding fantasy.

You very, very publicly insulted and demeaned your step-mom. Now, I can totally understand the urge to do that. But like most urges that are hurtful to others, you should have suppressed it. She''s a person too, and what happened between your parents is not really your business, in a sense. You don''t have to like her or spend time with her. But insulting her publicly isn''t cool either.

Now that it''s done, sending out a second invite is ridiculous, and this really isn''t the biggest deal in the whole world. But you should recognize that this is YOUR BAD, that you treated your step-mom extremely rudely, and that you owe her an apology. If I were you, I probably wouldn''t apologize for anything in the world. But I would recognize to myself at least that I owed her the apology and that I had misbehaved.

It sounds like you are still really having issues with the fact that they divorced, to the point where you want to pretend the family is still a unity. I hope you''re able to accept it in time, though.

 

[Independent Gal]

I should add that I didn''t say any of that with the aim of upsetting you, and I do totally and I mean TOTALLY get where you''re coming from. Been there. Trust me.

Just that you yourself might feel better if you understand that your step-mom and your dad have a right to be upset. They aren''t just coming after you for the sake of coming after you. Your step-mom will probably be your step-mom for many, many decades to come, and understanding her as a person and trying to see things from her point of view will make it much easier in the long run. Sooner or later, rekindling a relationship with your dad might be something you want, after all.

Again, I''m speaking from experience.

 

[sklingem]

Not that I would advocate reprinting the invitations, but I probably would have printed my mothers maiden name and my fathers name on the same line (i.e. "Linda Brown and Charles Schwab"). Fact is that they are your parents so they should appear together in my opinion. Fact is also that your parents are NOT married anymore and your mom is her OWN person, including here original family name. The important part here is that your are their daughter and not about their marital status. My 2 cents ...

 

[Loves Vintage]

I''m speaking from little to no experience on this topic. I don''t particularly notice things like invitation wording and what not. I am lucky to find the invitation at or around the date of the event so I can figure out how to get where I''m supposed to be at the appropriate time. I also am not in the same family situation as you, so never had to deal with divorced parents and parent-marriage-breaking-up-women. Not that I have a perfect family situation as my father died when I was very young, but I digress.

Stepmom is out of line here. Do not appease her on this in any way. Your mother retained her married name, right? They are your parents. You included their names on your wedding invitation. Big deal. There are a whole host of people who do not notice things like this, your father included, apparently. The only person who this does matter to is the stepmother, and if anyone owes anyone an apology, it is that woman to you and your mother. She is a b*tch. You know how I know -- because she is acting like one right now.

This is a matter of insignificant etiquette. If she did not want to deal with the potential for such "traumatically inappropriate" invitation wording one day, then she should have limited herself to dating SINGLE men and not gone after a married man. If anyone committed a social disgrace here, it is her, not you.

 

[justwondering]

thank you all so much for weighing in here. I have gotten myself in a very tough situation...

I think the most complicated part of this whole process is my mother. There is no way I could put her maiden name on the invite, since she hasn''t gone by that name in over 35 years! Also, she wouldn''t be able to stand any hint that my stepmother exists, since my father''s infidelities are still pretty raw for her.

So, sounds like the consensus is (for better or worse) what''s done is done. Now damage control...any suggestions on how to handle this, assuming that

1. we will have no programs at the ceremony
2. I just can''t bring myself to pander to my stepmother...even though it may be the right thing to do (i know, childish, but I still feel defensive of my mother)


Thanks all

 

[mimzy]

i have to agree with IG. you probably knew that slighting your stepmom like that would have some sort of backlash, even though it was signed off on by your dad. I know that you don''t care about this woman in the slightest, but what you did was still rude and hurtful, and i really can''t blame her for wanting a reprint to send her and your fathers friends. she is probably feeling pretty humiliated.


truthfully,denying her the right to reprint them has the potential to cause MAJOR tension and/or drama, and you know that. sure, you could be stubborn and stand your ground, OR you could acknowledge that you''ve been rude and hurt her (intentionally) and give her some reprieve and let her send out new ones. as long as they aren''t going out to YOUR friends or family, what difference does it make to you? of course you have the right to be hard-headed about it as it is YOUR wedding, but by standing firm on this you are jeapordizing not only your relationship with her, but also with your father. if that is worth it to you, then by all means stand your ground. but it seems sort of petty and immature.

i too know from experience how much dislike you can have for the person that split up your parents marriage - but that''s not really an excuse. she''s already gotten the message, it''s time to lay off.

 

[justwondering]

PS. Independent--You''re probably spot on. I''m still at the stage (geez...14 years later) where I think that, because she destroyed my mother, why should I care about her?

perhaps I should register for therapy sessions, rather than tableware...