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mimzy, thanks for your response.

Even if I/she do[es] a reprint, I really dont want her name on the invitation. Is that something I could make clear?

Also, my mother has said that she would be furious if I allow this woman to bully me into a reprint. So, do you think my mother would actually be furious, or just annoyed this woman has so much clout?

Thanks!
 
I''m thinking your mom would be furious, given your and your mom''s feelings about her. She would be furious that she has that much clout, and that you''re letting her impose on you. This would highlight her existence to your mom. Personally, I wouldn''t do anything. It''s your wedding, and they''re your invites, do with them what YOU wish.
 
i agree with those who''ve said what''s done is done -- a reprint would be ridiculous and more embarassing for everyone involved, stepmom included. there has been some immaturity all around, but who is at fault isn''t really the issue at the end of the day.
maybe try to help dad put it into perspective for stepmom -- if the invites somehow went out with a typo of your own name, you wouldn''t re-send them, would you? i would suggest that if she feels strongly about it, she is welcome to write a personal note from her (and your dad if she wants) expressing to guests with whom she has a relationship that she personally would like them to be there. if she writes notes berating you to guests, that only makes her look bad. whether or not it was right to put your divorced mom and dad on the same line has nothing to do with whether or not you want her name on your invite, and i think letting her have her say but outside of the invitation itself might be a good way to agree to disagree.
 
Date: 3/12/2008 10:39:28 AM
Author: justwondering
mimzy, thanks for your response.

Even if I/she do[es] a reprint, I really dont want her name on the invitation. Is that something I could make clear?

Also, my mother has said that she would be furious if I allow this woman to bully me into a reprint. So, do you think my mother would actually be furious, or just annoyed this woman has so much clout?

Thanks!

i think that you should talk to your dad (not the stepmom) and let him know what wordings you WOULD be okay with - then the two of you can come up with an alternate wording that you agree with and he can present it to her and she can take it or leave it.

as for your mom, i would bet that it is more a combination of the two, that she would be furious that she has even a little bit of clout. if you have to tell her at all, i would let her know that YOU came to this decision and tell her WHY: salvaging relationship with your dad, acknowledging that you were rude the first time, heck, tell her it would be straight up immature and petty of you to not and let her know that you are not succumbing to her pressure, but that you are taking the high road. your mom is insanely sensitive to the idea of this woman having ANY influence over you, so just make it clear that it isn't because of HER that you're doing a reprint, if that's what you do in fact choose to do. this might sound sort of harsh, but your mom is probably accustomed to your unwavering loyalty in opposing this woman, and this might be the first time that she isn't getting what she wants in terms of that. sooner or later she is going to have to accept that it isn't always going to be black and white like that. i don't blame your mom for being highly sensitive about it, but just reassure her that you are an adult and will make your own decisions (not your stepmoms......or hers)
 
double post!
 
enbcfsobe--the personal note is a great idea. Does anyone else think that will alleviate the situation? I would feel so much more comfortable with that than with a new invite...
 
OK, first of all, can I say again how much I totally sympathize and empathize.

And second of all can I say that I really admire the way you are taking our comments in the spirit they''re meant AND you''re now looking for a concrete solution. That is great.

For the benefit of anyone lurking and dealing with the same, one way to deal with this kind of thing is to write
"Daughter of Sandra Jones and of John Jones" instead of "Of Sandra & John Jones" which makes them sound married.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand.

The question: "What should I do now?" depends very much on what you are trying to achieve. Do you want 1) to make the whole thing go away 2) to make your step-mom not feel hurt and angry 3) something else?

Once you articulate exactly what you want, then we can help you figure out what''s best to do. You do need to find a way to resolve this. Otherwise, the anger and resentment are going to ruin your wedding. But...

DO NOT REPRINT THE INVITATIONS. (silly! and would look ridiculous... like you''re all playing out your spat in front of everyone you know).
 
Step mom is furious and wants to reprint invites. Mom will be furious if she does.

There''s a lot of fury going on here. Are these adults or children? Sheesh.

I understand why you did what you did, but understand why everyone feels the way the feel about it. Personally, if I got the invite, I wouldn''t think anything about it. They''re your parents, they share the same last name still, and they''re marrying you off. But I''m horrible when it comes to paying attention to detail.
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I know this is important to you, and I''m assuming you are young and reluctant to be at odds with your dad, but . . . if I were you . . . well . . .

The stepmother would just have to go you-know-what herself. Period. And if Dad had a problem, it would be his problem, not mine. And if someone else had to walk me down the aisle, okay. He''d have to explain to his friends and family why his current wife had him by the short hairs, and why he was being a class A jackass.

But, see . . . I''m older and I just don''t put up with crap anymore. Life''s too short. Even when they are your parents.
 
Date: 3/12/2008 1:38:35 PM
Author: HollyS
I know this is important to you, and I''m assuming you are young and reluctant to be at odds with your dad, but . . . if I were you . . . well . . .

The stepmother would just have to go you-know-what herself. Period. And if Dad had a problem, it would be his problem, not mine. And if someone else had to walk me down the aisle, okay. He''d have to explain to his friends and family why his current wife had him by the short hairs, and why he was being a class A jackass.

But, see . . . I''m older and I just don''t put up with crap anymore. Life''s too short. Even when they are your parents.
Agree.

Basically I would ignore the whole thing.

I certainly wouldn''t apologise and if she wants to send out notes to everyone she''ll just look like a fool.

I am dreading what FFIL''s wife will pull off at ours - she managed to miss FBIL''s wedding so we have no precedent to go by. Families...
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Date: 3/12/2008 10:39:28 AM
Author: justwondering
mimzy, thanks for your response.

Even if I/she do[es] a reprint, I really dont want her name on the invitation. Is that something I could make clear?

Also, my mother has said that she would be furious if I allow this woman to bully me into a reprint. So, do you think my mother would actually be furious, or just annoyed this woman has so much clout?

Thanks!
I''d definitely make it clear IF you do a reprint (which I would not do) that you do not want your step mom''s name on the invitation. She is not your mother. This has nothing to do with her. TGal said it best -- your parents are marrying you off, not your dad and his new wife. I think your mom would be furious if there was a reprint.

I''m not sure I''d have your step mom do the personal note to guests. To me that''s still bringing attention to the fact that there''s an issue with the invitations. I''d just let that one go.
 
I am so so sorry you are dealing with a bunch of adult children. You and your FI seem like the only adults here. Good for you two!!

I would NOT *NOT* reprint or change a gosh darn thing and try and please ANYONE. Because if you back down with one thing you will open the flood gates to every single petty request from these children... You know how kids are, give them an inch and they take a mile.

Who cares if your dad is paying for anything? I surely would not let finances get in the middle of this or let that fact make you feel guilty or lose sleep. You are is daughter!

Is your step mom going to force your mom to change her last name? Well, I dont think so!! I think you should not worry your pretty little head over this. Hold your head up high and stick to your guns. You were so respectful and thoughtful in the beginning as to the wording. You should be proud of what you have done and leave it at that. You do not need to prove anything to anyone. This is YOUR day. Please don''t let the "kids" ruin it! You deserve the very best.

Cyn
 
I would ignore and do nothing and move on to the rest of your wedding plans. Say no more and move on.Let them do whatever they want with their friends. I am sure your step mom has talked with her friends about this and they will know whats up. Whatever they want to think about it they can think...

I have to say again....no ONE person can break up a marriage or partnership that cannot be broken up to begin with. resentments only make for lost time... Life is to short.........
 
Date: 3/12/2008 1:38:35 PM
Author: HollyS
I know this is important to you, and I''m assuming you are young and reluctant to be at odds with your dad, but . . . if I were you . . . well . . .


The stepmother would just have to go you-know-what herself. Period. And if Dad had a problem, it would be his problem, not mine. And if someone else had to walk me down the aisle, okay. He''d have to explain to his friends and family why his current wife had him by the short hairs, and why he was being a class A jackass.


But, see . . . I''m older and I just don''t put up with crap anymore. Life''s too short. Even when they are your parents.

I totally agree. I can''t tell you how many times I went through this situation in my life leading up to my wedding - even as far back as my Bat Mitzvah (and before) I remember being put in the middle of stuff like this. My wedding was the first time I started to really stand up for myself and boy am I glad I did. In fact, my only regret is that I didn''t do it sooner or more thoroughly. Really, you owe it to yourself and your future husband to stand up to your stepmother. I know your father is contributing financially,but he has no right to behave this way because of that. I would make it clear to him that you are prepared to do without his money if it comes at such a high cost (no pun intended). And be prepared to follow through - cut back on the wedding, tap into savings, take a loan, whatever, its just not worth. Trust me, I remember this situation and so many like it and I know.

Wishing you strength and peace in this difficult situation.
 
Look, they are divorced and I agree one person cannot singlehandedly destroy a good marriage. But that is not the point in terms of who your parents are. Step mom is NOT your mom, and I think your mom trumps your step mom.

I might have put them on two lines, but I do totally get your issue. I put my step dad on my invite as I said, and though we were not close I did it for my mother.

If you had done...your mom on one line, and even possibly dad and step mom on the next, as a courtesy to your dad, would your mom understand it if you explained it to her? Could you have smoothed the feathers and said Mom, it kind of stinks, but I am between a rock and a hard place and I just do not know what to do?

I would assume anyone close enough to be invited knows your mom and dad are divorced. It is not a news flash and it is immaterial to the day.
 
Thank you all so much for your help.

So, the latest:

I have told my father that I will not do a reprint. I suggested that he and my stepmother send notes to their friends as a couple, mentioning that they would love to see them at the wedding.

Obviously, I cannot stop them from doing what they want, and sending out new invitations if they choose to...however, they only have the addresses of their friends, so at least they cannot send anything to my guests.

My stepmother remains furious, but I''m trying to stand my ground.

In terms of family dynamics:

I would never want my mother to be upset or hurt by my stepmother on this occasion. My SM has nothing to do with my life, so I have no desire to pander to her...that being said, as IG asked, I just want this whole thing to go away...

And, I agree with everyone who said life''s too short for this c***--I''m hoping I can stand my ground here...I''ll let you all know how it goes...
 
justwondering - you poor thing having to deal with all that rubbish. You SM sounds like a bit of a troll, sorry to say.

I honestly think that reprinting and resending the invites will just draw attention to the point, not fix it at all. As a person that''s been lucky enough to receive several wedding invites (?!) , I am telling you, as much effort and love as is put into them, people open them, read them once or twice and bung them on the fridge. No one cares about your fathers new wife, or what happened in the past or how the thing is worded. It really only matters to you, so you need to be happy and comfortable.

It''s your wedding sweetie, your day, so make yourself and you fiance happy. You might need to sit down with said parents and remind them they are adults, and to stop any bickering or bringing up past issues, and to please respect you and your fiance and your wedding day.

If that fails, ELOPE
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I totally understand your situation. It''s somehow similar to ours...

My parents are paying for the most of the wedding, and they insist to be on the ivitation as "Mr and Mrs XY". But this way we also should write below my fianc�''s parents too.
Wich would look odd, since they separated for 10 years now, but haven''t divorced... My father-in-law has a new family, a new partner, and they have two small kids together (and most of all, I love this new mother-in-law better than my fianc�''s real mom).

The biggest problem is that they can''t even behave when they are in the same room. My darling''s mom is still furious with his father, and the last time they met (on my fianc�''s prom) they started to fight and it was a horrible scene.

So what I decided now: none of the parents are going to be written on the invitation. I know it''s rude with my parents, but hey, I''m an only child, so they will forgive me, not having another choice :)
And I have to put my fianc�''s father (and his new family) on the opposite end of the room. That''s also rude, because in Hungary they should directly sit on my side... Oh god.

But if someone is going to ruin my big day with quarreling and being hysterical, I''m going to pull out a gun from my blue stocking and shoot them down :D
 
Justwondering...You have done the right thing at this point. Now hopefully you can move on to the rest of your wedding planning and put this aside and out of your mind. Whats done is done and it is now in your dad and SM''s ballcourt to be big enough to let it go as well. I hope everyone comes to their adult senses for the benefit of everyone invovled.

Good Luck to you and best wishes...
 
Date: 3/13/2008 4:53:26 AM
Author: CordeliaGish
I totally understand your situation. It''s somehow similar to ours...

My parents are paying for the most of the wedding, and they insist to be on the ivitation as ''Mr and Mrs XY''. But this way we also should write below my fianc�''s parents too.
Wich would look odd, since they separated for 10 years now, but haven''t divorced... My father-in-law has a new family, a new partner, and they have two small kids together (and most of all, I love this new mother-in-law better than my fianc�''s real mom).

The biggest problem is that they can''t even behave when they are in the same room. My darling''s mom is still furious with his father, and the last time they met (on my fianc�''s prom) they started to fight and it was a horrible scene.

So what I decided now: none of the parents are going to be written on the invitation. I know it''s rude with my parents, but hey, I''m an only child, so they will forgive me, not having another choice :)
And I have to put my fianc�''s father (and his new family) on the opposite end of the room. That''s also rude, because in Hungary they should directly sit on my side... Oh god.

But if someone is going to ruin my big day with quarreling and being hysterical, I''m going to pull out a gun from my blue stocking and shoot them down :D
The traditional format is just having the bride''s parents on the Invitation. This is because the Bride''s surname isn''t mentioned whereas the Groom''s is.

The groom''s parents are only mentioned on the Engagement Announcement.
 
Hi all,

again, thanks everyone so much for your help. I knew I could count on PS!

Just wanted to give you an update:

My father''s partner called him today, saying "I think JWs invite is lovely--its so great you and Linda could put aside your differences for the sake of the wedding"

Thats shut him up for now...
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I think my stepmother and dad will send out separate notes to their guests, and that will be that. To everyone reading this post: make sure everyone involved is clear on etiquette before your invites are printed
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I just find it bizarre that it is more important to them to establish their marital status than to abide by something you want, and that he agreed to.

The thought of my step parent circumventing me to resend invites so she looked good would infuriate me. I understand you dislike her and I am sure you have great reasons, and maybe your wording opened a can of worms, but your dad should keep her in line and tell her that anyone who knows them knows their status and that it is about you, not her. How presumptuous that she would push him to that degree.
 
It''s a little bit different in Hungary.
It the first row is written the name of the parents who pay the bigger part of the wedding, in the second row the other parents, and then the bride and the groom.

I know, it''s silly. But even the guests are waiting for this kind of "show", to say: "aha, so the bridegroom''s family isn''t too rich, poor girl..." or the same backwards.

I had some phone calls from my mother''s relatives, that "how dare you not writing the names of your parents on the invitation, people will think that they are not paying for the party". It''s SOOOOOO annoying.... I hate these customs so much...
 
justwondering I''m glad your dad''s partner wrote that note to him! If they send something around, it''s just going to make them look like idiots. Better to leave well alone. But, as you say, it''s their choice if they want to look like idiots!

And I just want to tell you again how much I feel your situation. I''ve been going through all kinds of cr@p with my divorced parents too. I finally had to say to my dad "Look, I didn''t have anything to do with creating this situation. You and mom did. I''ve had to deal with it all my life, and I''m doing my best to deal with it now, but you really have to take a deep breath and give me a break a here."

It was really, really hard to say, but I felt much better afterward. Like I should be the one being made to feel bad? By both of them? I don''t think so.

So, like I say, I''ve been where you''re standing. And although I''d have done the invite differently, I really get it.

It will probably blow over. But if you''re feeling up to it, I do think it could be a great opportunity to build bridges to your step-mom by hashing it out. Hating someone only hurts you. And these situations are always more complicated than we think when we''re young.
 
Hello Justwondering,

I really feel for you in your situation. Although my parents are still together, I have often been bullied into doing things according to their wishes. Part of it is that they''re being Chinese and part of it is because they are stubborn too. =)

In this situation, I would suggest that depending on whether you would like to maintain some sort of relationship with your dad, regardless of how minimal that may feel sometimes,then you should let your stepmother reprint the invitations for her friends and family. Maybe you feel that he has abandonned you and you mom too much and that in some way, you think that by casually leaving his new wife out of the picture, you can reclaim your family that you feel that you have lost. I know its hard to see your dad with someone else but I truly feel that your mom deserves better. She deserves someone who is true and honest to her and I hope and pray that she will be able to get over the pain in her heart. Life is too short to be with people who aren''t sincere and who really care for you.

I know that standing your ground is a good thing but I also hope that you realize that it may come at the cost of little by little losing your father completely. I have heard many evil stepmother stories in which the fathers become too chicken to even contact their daugther for fear that the stepmother will leave them. Although I believe this is spineless behaviour, you may risk this happening to you. If you would like to have a relationship with your family, it may be a good idea to remain on polite terms. It will all depend on how much you like your dad or not like him.

In the end, the pricescopers here want to give their 2 cents to hopefully improve things for you, whether it is with you, you mom, dad and stepmom feel. All the best to you in this situation.

We''re sending our hugz from over here.
 
Hi Justwondering: I have never been in your shoes and I''d totally understand if you skip to the next post right now. But I can''t help but agree with IG and CB''s sage advice. One of my good friends essentially wrote off his father years ago (long before I met him), when his father left his mother for a younger woman. I know there were all sorts of family issues that played into that decision. Still, it seemed very sad to me when his father died a few years ago, and the only "feelings" my friend and his brothers could muster was concern over the splitting of the estate. I hope that will never happen to you and your father.
 
Sorry to hear about your situation. My parents are also divorced and so are my fiance''s parents. My fiance''s father is re-married and his step-mother helped to raise him for a good part of his life; however, it would have been way to complicated to figure out how to write all of that. So we did wrote something like "together with our familes....

I personally wouldn''t care what your step-mother has to say especially since she broke up your parents marriage and you don''t like her. Like you said people receiving the invitation know the situation and know that your father is remarried. Explain to your father this is really what you want and that his wife needs to understand that. She can''t let go of something so petty for one day just to make you happy on your day??? Ridiculous!

If there is no resolution and your father insists that the invitations are changed then ask him to do it at his expense.
 
Date: 3/12/2008 10:07:06 AM
Author: Loves Vintage
I''m speaking from little to no experience on this topic. I don''t particularly notice things like invitation wording and what not.

Your mother retained her married name, right? They are your parents. You included their names on your wedding invitation. Big deal. There are a whole host of people who do not notice things like this, your father included, apparently.

This is a matter of insignificant etiquette.

I agree with these points. I mean not counting the small percent of people in the world who are up on etiquette, no one will notice nor care. If everyone followed every single etiquette rule set forth, every wedding invitation would be identical with the exception of names, dates, and perhaps the shade of ecru it''s printed on. Etiquette is so cultural anyway; who''s to say what''s "right" and "wrong." That being said, probably about 90% of people won''t even notice.

Now because of my personal upbringing, I notice invitation stuff like whether it has been addressed in handwriting or type, the formality of the wording, who''s names are listed, and whatever. Sometimes people send out things that seem off to me, and I can''t help but notice because the "way" according to my family has been embossed in my brain; however, I give it little more than a moment''s thought because a)if the person has invited me to his/her wedding then it is someone who I probably adore and something trivial like invitation wording isn''t going to change my view of the person b) not everyone has access to the same ideas of what is "proper," so who am I to think my way is the only right way and c) if the bride is happy, then I am happy. If she''s not concerned over a card that everyone''s going to throw away, then who cares.

My personal opinions aside, Loves Vintage''s idea is right. Most people will probably look at it, make note of the date, and toss it. You father and step mother are making a big issue out of nothing and putting unnecessary stress on you and their relationship with you. I hope that your father takes the note his coworker wrote him to heart. If I received a card from a friend in your situation, I would have the same thoughts as he did: Oh, how nice that the mother and father are being mature about this whole wedding situation. (If I thought anything of it at all)
 
Date: 3/15/2008 12:28:15 PM
Author: Class n Sass

I personally wouldn't care what your step-mother has to say especially since she broke up your parents marriage and you don't like her. ... She can't let go of something so petty for one day just to make you happy on your day??? Ridiculous!

If there is no resolution and your father insists that the invitations are changed then ask him to do it at his expense.

Just a couple of small points. First (and I say this as someone with experience in OP's shoes...) it takes two to tango. OP's dad broke up the marriage too. Step-mom would not have been able to have the affair all by herself. It's easy to blame everything on her because OP doesn't love her. But it really does take two people being weak and badly behaved. And sometimes (not saying this is the case here) it takes three. It is possible that the affair could have been indicative of more fundamental problems in the marriage. The marriage, in other words, might have been broken, and the affair the means of crawling out of the shell. Even if this is the case, of course it is NOT AN EXCUSE on the part of her dad or his now-wife.

But my point is that grown up relationships are so very complicated. And when we're kids we have difficulty understanding that complexity. But when we grow into adults, it can help to recognize human frailty and to see that, in these situations it is never just some outside force coming in to spoil family perfection. At least one of the parents has to take responsibility too.

And I really can see that step-mom wouldn't consider this 'petty'. If I were her, I'd be extremely upset too. it is a VERY overt and very public 'F()CK YOU!' Remember, OP fessed up that she intended to cause offense.

I understand the urge all too well! But having the thought or the urge and acting on it are two different things.

That said, I still think it's ridiculous to re-send the invitations and would only draw attention to the situation. I wouldn't let him do it. Full stop.
 
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