Feeling Guilty...

[salamander]

My boyfriend recently proposed and presented me with a gorgeous diamond solitaire in a Tiffany 6-prong setting with white gold. We had seen the ring at a local store and I told him that was the ring I wanted.

However, the ring on display was a 1 carat diamond with an good-excellent cut (I think?). I''m not sure of the colour. When he bought the ring, he actually upgraded the stone to an F colour, ideal cut diamond that was .82 carats. Now, although he actually paid more for a better stone and cut, I feel it is noticibly smaller than the 1 carat I wanted.

Am I crazy to be disappointed? Should I be happy with the .82 carat stone? Would it be bad to try to upgrade on the sly (although he would notice in a second). I know he went through a lot of research and expense to buy my current ring. I''m feeling guilty and wondering what the consensus is.

Thank you

 

[Hest88]

This reminds me of an ongoing debate we have where lots of men seem to think they can sacrifice quite a bit of size if the quality is better.

In your case, hmmm, I'd actually say you should try to live with it. If he's worked this hard to find you a great ring, it's really going to hurt to hear you want a bigger one. Also, there are many issues women can broach, but if you bring up wanting a larger size you might come across sounding mercenary.

 

[Mara]

Tough call. Definitely not the 'on the sly' thing...that is no way to start a life together! Anyway, you in a tough position. He may not have known you really wanted the size...but possibly too late now. Do you think he will be receptive to the idea of taking it back and getting more like the one you wanted? Or ? .82c IS much smaller visually than a well-cut 1c stone...




We have seen alot of women on here who want a good combo of size and cut...guys tend to sometimes get really particular and go overboard on cut or specs like color, clarity and sometimes forget about the carat weight. In the end, you know your fiance the best...will he be receptive to switching it out, or will he think that you are selfish and/or be upset? It's a really tough position.

 

[pauls girl]

I would definitely not try to exchange it on the sly. That just opens up a whole can of worms.

It sounds to me like your sweet fiancee wanted to make sure he got you exactly the ring you wanted, and tried to make it even better by upgrading the color & the cut, even if it meant sacrificing size. Because of this, he may be open to the idea of a carat upgrade - to make you happy.

Personally, I would not try to return the diamond that he purchased (if it were me). I just couldn't stand thinking that my fiancee thought what he got me wasn't good enough. But, a lot of women would rather have the diamond that they want (bigger size, different shape, etc), since it is going to be on their finger forever, and I can understand that side too.

Do you think your fiancee would be hurt if you implied that it wasn't exactly what you wanted? I think a lot of guys would.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sorry but I think that it's silly to make an issue out of 20 points. Sounds like your fiance got you a spectacular diamond ring and a .82 is a pretty nice size, IMO, so unless it's horribly cut or something is dreadfully wrong with the stone, I can't imagine how you can gracefully handle this situation without hurting his feelings.

Enjoy your ring and ENJOY your LIFE with your future husband!

Michelle

 

[weemodin]

What an awkward situation.

I can understand why you'd be irritated about the 20 pts. It's visually a pretty big difference, IMHO, and for some of us, Size Matters.

I'd bring it up to him. If you can't mention to him that you'd have rather had the other ring, you've got serious communication issues, right? Sure, he may get his feelings hurt, but if you're truly dissatisfied, it may be worth it. And hurt feelings heal, whereas you'll be wearing this ring forever...

Or you could suggest a size upgrade for, say, a wedding gift or for your one year anniversiary. Just a thought! Good luck!

In any case, .82 is nothing to be ashamed of, but I always applaud a girl who'll go for what she really wants, so argue your case well!

 

[Jennifer5973]

Oh boy. This reminds me of the recent thread on the family diamond/upgrading/"hubby upset" scenario .

I can understand your feelings--i have never been 100% thrilled with my orginal diamond but when we were finally in a position to afford an upgrade, when i rbought it up, it really hurt my husband's feelings. I could see he was genuinely hurt and couldn't believe I would want to give up the diamond he had worked so hard to buy me years ago when we literally had nothing.

So, i decided to keep it and I learned a hard lesson about the true "value" of things...and as a compromise, at my 10-yr anniversary, i will get a completely different three stone ring.

Only YOU know your situation; perhaps, your fiance wouldn't mind...only YOU kow him that well to determine how he'd feel about an upgrade. There are very valid arguments around the significant purchase this is (so you should love it for all that money) and that you should be happy with it because you'll wear it for many, many years to come... but the more years I live, the more I see that hurting people's feelinsg just isn't worth it--tread carefully.

Best of luck.

 

[Jennifer5973]

PS Exchanging "on the sly" is a BAD BAD BAD idea for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is getting caught later on, and no way to start a marriage.

 

[chris-uk04]

You are right to feel guilty. Don't upgrade and stop whining about it. From a guy's prospective:

Since your boyfriend did a lot of research, trust him that he picked the better stone. You said the 1 carat was a “good-excellent” cut. Perhaps he learned more about the stone, its dimensions and felt that the .82 carat sparkled more. Since he did a lot of work, he will be EXTREMELY disappointed if he finds out you don’t like it.

INSTEAD, perhaps YOU learn all about diamonds and the 4 C’s (especially cut!). Look at the tutorial on this website. Then go back to the store on your own and take another look at that 1 carat stone. Then perhaps figure out why he preferred the 0.82 carat better. Chances are it perhaps looks slightly yellow, it has visible inclusions, or it doesn’t sparkle as much (due to a poorer cut).

Since he spent more, he certainly wasn’t being cheap. He spent a lot of money on a sparkly rock for you. Also, appreciate the time and effort he spent on you in trying to get what he thought was the perfect stone for you. Then think about all the things he could have bought for himself with the money he spent on you.

 

[valeria101]

Forget disappointment! Guilt is never good company...

It may be a good point that if you knew all the info he went through to choose the stone, you might have revised your initial choice and felt more reluctant to trade cut quality for one more millimeter of diameter. Actually, more research into diamonds could also point the right way for other diamonds or some future upgrade. To be honest, it must be easier to live with a great looking stone than a not so great one in need of excuses. This is unlikely to be the LAST diamond in your life... and usually enthusiasm for the first tends to bring in more

, I'd say! Welcome to Pricescope!

 

[aljdewey]

My opinion? The average size engagement ring in this country is 3/4 ct ....and the average budget is $3k.


It sounds like your ring is better than the average.




I'd be happy that I got a ring at all.......and enjoy the ring for the time being. The subject of an upgrade can always be raised down the line.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 5:30:56 AM chris-uk04 wrote:


Since he spent more, he certainly wasn’t being cheap. He spent a lot of money on a sparkly rock for you. Also, appreciate the time and effort he spent on you in trying to get what he thought was the perfect stone for you. Then think about all the things he could have bought for himself with the money he spent on you.
----------------

Not to pick on you - well maybe just a little

The operative phrase above is "what he *thought*" This is a clear cut example why I preach my mantra about size. Women want it. PERIOD. That is not to say women want a big crappy honker - just a nice blend to get a pretty *yet* sizable stone. One will pay a premium for a colorless (f) stone. When in fact, the most visual difference between a g/h 1c stone and an F .83 stone is going to be the size.

Let this thread be a testimonial to my mantra. Not all women feel this way - but a good majority. Know your women and don't buy just what *you* want.

That said, a .83 stone is nothing to sneeze at. You will appreciate the quality of the stone later in life and upgrade to a big honker then. See, you have something to look forward to.

 

[strmrdr]

I always seem to get in hot water over this subject but here goes.

Upgrade on the sly? Thats just plain sick.

Bug him about an upgrade, complain about the diamond? while I cant say what he would do I know what I would do.
Take the ring off for a second I want to check something please.
Thanks
Im off to go find someone that will be thrilled because I asked her to marry me not hung up on a diamond.
cya have a nice life.

 

[Nicrez]

Totally understand. It's a bragging right and the chance to have something large and sparkly on your finger. I say that you never want to hide anything from him. It may hurt now, but imagine how much it would hurt if he overheard you say something to your friends about "size" and he being in the same sentance.

My honest (unsolicited and perhaps not so appropo) opinion, men sometimes buy diamonds, like extensions of their...well... Some want BIG, to show their friends that they gave her a BIG stone. Some want perfection to prove quality and superiority. Whatever the case, ladies like a good quality, but some like size too...

Know your lady.

First don't talk to him. study. Put yourself in his shoes and learn about the stones, and how the others are better/less than the stone he chose. The way to get him to respect your decision for a larger stone (when you two mutually agree you can afford it), is to come at him with facts. If the facts are on his side and he chose a perfect stone, you may want to consider a heftier wedding band? Eternity? Pave? If not, then there could be a lovely pendant in your future...

My mother got jewelry for each child she had, always a thought...

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 9:11:57 AM strmrdr wrote:


Bug him about an upgrade, complain about the diamond? while I cant say what he would do I know what I would do.
Take the ring off for a second I want to check something please.
Thanks
Im off to go find someone that will be thrilled because I asked her to marry me not hung up on a diamond.
cya have a nice life.
----------------

Succinct and to the point. Heck has frozen over as I agree with you.

And, I meant the upgrade (which we can disagree about) much later in life.

That said, it's a done deal. But, guys please listen, I'm not blowing smoke out my...

 

[pqcollectibles]

Interesting post, because I know a couple that went thru the same thing.

First, don't do the exchange on the sly. Not a good footing to begin a life long relationship on.

Anyway, back to this couple. We are friends with the guy and know the gal thru him. He proposed with a half carat ring that was her stone shape preference. He even went to her long time family jeweler to make the purchase so her family would be happy. She wasn't satisfied with the ring and wound up exchanging it for a bigger diamond. And again. And again. Until she was satisfied with the 1 carat she finally decided to keep. I knew he was not happy with all the exchanging on the ring, but he never said a word to her about it. He wanted her to be happy.

We can't really tell you what to do. You know him and we don't. We can make suggestions.

You might chat with him about it. People usually love to talk about themselves and their adventures. Get him to tell you his story of ring shopping. Maybe you can feel him out about his decision to exchange the stone. Once you know his thought process in buying the ring, you may know how to proceed from there.

 

[chris-uk04]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 9:02:49 AM fire&ice wrote:

----------------

Not to pick on you - well maybe just a little

The operative phrase above is 'what he *thought*' This is a clear cut example why I preach my mantra about size. Women want it. PERIOD. That is not to say women want a big crappy honker - just a nice blend to get a pretty *yet* sizable stone. One will pay a premium for a colorless (f) stone. When in fact, the most visual difference between a g/h 1c stone and an F .83 stone is going to be the size.

Let this thread be a testimonial to my mantra. Not all women feel this way - but a good majority. Know your women and don't buy just what *you* want.

That said, a .83 stone is nothing to sneeze at. You will appreciate the quality of the stone later in life and upgrade to a big honker then. See, you have something to look forward to.
----------------

It's a balance that he had to decide on. Perhaps there wasn't many stones to choose from. It's not like online with huge inventories. What was the color grade of the 1 carat? K perhaps? When looking myself, I had to decide between a 1.15 G and 1.35 I (both SI1). After some thinking, I ended up picking the smaller G. (we'll have to see if I picked correctly)

First, learn what you can. Next perhaps in some years time, you can put the 0.82 in a pendant and upgrade your ering. I think as long as you do something nice with the stone, he might be okay with it. Before you complain to him, you need to learn all you can about diamonds yourself so you understand. After I get engaged, I'm going to make my gf learn herself, because right now, she has the typical misconceptions about diamonds and quality/size/cost.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 10:03:38 AM chris-uk04 wrote:

<When looking myself, I had to decide between a 1.15 G and 1.35 I (both SI1). After some thinking, I ended up picking the smaller G. (we'll have to see if I picked correctly)

----------------

Yeah, but this is more of a choice. You are over one carat & already took advantage of the *near* colorless price break. It's an educated guess. I'm a size girl & may have choosen your choice.

What I see many times are choices that quality *above* all - the rest be damned. When in fact, you can have your cake & eat it too w/ a better balance. If both gal & guy are on the same page then great. But, usually the women will choose the G/H larger stone over the E smaller stone when confronted with both in front of her.

 

[salamander]

Thank you everyone for your honest and candid answers!

It really helped to hear what I was thinking all along, but just needed to accept. I never really emphasized the importance of size to him, so he was only following his own best judgment. As pauls girl said, my fiancé wanted to make sure he got the exact ring I wanted, and tried to make it even better by upgrading the color & the cut, even if it meant sacrificing size. He would be very hurt and disappointed if I told him the stone he picked wasn't good enough.

I think I was just suffering from diamond-envy, as another girl in my department got engaged on the same day and has a big honker of a rock! When a co-worker told me that, he followed it up by saying hers was beautiful (emphasis on the beautiful).

I guess diamonds are like breasts - sitting out there for the world to judge. It's hard for others to understand that my stone is of much better quality, sparkles like crazy and probably cost twice as much -- even though hers is bigger.

So I've just decided that if I really want a big rock, maybe I should just buy it myself and have a gorgeous right hand ring.

Thanks again everyone!

P.S. I definitely won't be doing the 'on-the-sly thing' - that was more tongue-in-cheek than anything.

 

[Heyjud]

Advice from someone married for many many many many years!!!!!

Don't do anything "on the sly"
Not good for a marriage to sneak or lie.

He picked out the stone with love and with care
A gift from his heart he wanted to share.

Wear it with pride....bigger diamonds may come your way in the future, but you'll LOVE this one the most!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I just wanted to reply quickly and say that I know what you mean about diamond envy. It's hard sometimes, especially on Pricescope, to not compare what you have to others. My engagement ring is not particularly small, but it's not large either at .78ct, although it seems REALLY small compared to the big stones many of the Pricescopers sport!

When I feel myself getting envious, I have to remind myself that everyone here has different circumstances. Some of the people here didn't get a ring at all when they got engaged, others got smaller ones, etc., and now later in life they're enjoying their substantial baubles. Other people have diamonds as their passion, and that's what they choose to spend their money on. Each to their own, and keep the diamonds coming, I say!

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 10:47:33 AM salamander wrote:


I guess diamonds are like breasts - sitting out there for the world to judge. It's hard for others to understand that my stone is of much better quality, sparkles like crazy and probably cost twice as much -- even though hers is bigger.
.----------------

It's *very* maddening. I really know what you feel. Been there; done that. One, you have to know that he wanted you to have the best. Two, you will have subtle external validations. They will come fewer than someone w/ a bigger flashier rock; but, it will mean something to you.

And, as Strmdr eludes, think of your finger w/o that ring.

 

[chris-uk04]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 10:47:33 AM salamander wrote:

Thank you everyone for your honest and candid answers!

I guess diamonds are like breasts - sitting out there for the world to judge. It's hard for others to understand that my stone is of much better quality, sparkles like crazy and probably cost twice as much -- even though hers is bigger.


P.S. I definitely won't be doing the 'on-the-sly thing' - that was more tongue-in-cheek than anything.----------------

A classmate of my gf got engaged with a huge, but probably crappy stone, which cause my gf to comment (and the gf doesnt know much about diamonds): It's big but it doesn't sparkle much.

So your coworkers might the same thing about the other coworkers diamond.

Oh and I love the breast analogy!

 

[mike04456]

My $0.02? I think that in all this endless upgrade talk, we have totally lost sight of the fact that an engagement ring is a gift. A gift! It's not an entitlement, however much it may be a tradition. And every etiquette manual out there will tell you that it is insufferably rude to return a gift to the giver with a request that s/he get something bigger/nicer/more expensive.




I'm sorry, but I don't subscribe to the school of thought that all women are entitled to precisely the engagement ring they want, whether it's at the engagement or 15 years later, especially since, in most cases, the guy is paying for the entire thing.




Is there nothing to be said for graciously accepting a gift for what it is? Valuing the thought and effort over the carat size?




I guess I'm luckier than I realized to have a wife who has told me again and again that her ring is perfect because it's something I picked out and designed. Maybe we're just weird?




And yes, the breast analogy is perfect. There will always be someone more/better endowed than you are; constantly comparing yourself to what others have is a sure-fire road to unhappiness.

 

[hoorray]

----------------
On 2/5/2004 11:59:55 AM LawGem wrote:


My $0.02? I think that in all this endless upgrade talk, we have totally lost sight of the fact that an engagement ring is a gift. A gift! It's not an entitlement, however much it may be a tradition. And every etiquette manual out there will tell you that it is insufferably rude to return a gift to the giver with a request that s/he get something bigger/nicer/more expensive.


I'm sorry, but I don't subscribe to the school of thought that all women are entitled to precisely the engagement ring they want, whether it's at the engagement or 15 years later, especially since, in most cases, the guy is paying for the entire thing.


Is there nothing to be said for graciously accepting a gift for what it is? Valuing the thought and effort over the carat size?

----------------

I agree with Lawgem. It is one of the most special gifts of my life. I'm glad that DH let me be involved in picking it out, so I love what I'm wearing, but his input counted also. (Otherwise, I'd probably have an EC). This ring is important to him, and that's important to me. Way more important than how big or what quality it is. I consider this ring "ours" because of it's symbolism.

 

[Jaded Gem]

Hey Salamander, it looks like you came to a well balanced conclusion on your own after many people gave you different ideas on what they thought.

I read your story, and I felt that I could not really give you any input since it's one of those things that I feel like everybody has their own opinions on. And on that note, everybody's tastes vary and so all their opinions sounded great to me based on their preferences. I wouldn't know if my opinion would have played an influential role in your decision or really apply to your case.

Nonetheless, I will try to give a stab at it.
I think men sometimes don't have it easy in the ring department because there are so many choices and prices. All these variables can become very confusing. For example, I, myself, am confused when looking at all these different kinds of cuts and prices for round solitaires. It looks like your fiance picked quality over how big a cut he could get since he selected a little higher on the quality and/or colour. However, I have to agree that size does matter to some. Most of my girlfriends sport over a carat on their engagement ring. I'm sure that my husband thinks "Wow, all of Jaded Gem's girlfriends are getting at least a carat. I guess I'll have to get her over or around that size for her." Based on peer pressure from influential friends, I think my husband always thought that size was the big thing also. But no matter how big or what my husband thinks all women love, and despite my love of looking at fine jewelry, I love to travel and explore the world with my husband even more.
After dating for awhile and knowing each other for a long time, friends used to ask if my significant other ever got me any jewelry. Many times, I would say no, but that I didn't love jewelry as much as I loved travelling. Anyway my girlfriends would still tease my significant other about getting me jewelry. I guess he took it to heart one day because one Christmas or Valentine's Day he got me these beautiful diamond solitaire stud earrings. At that time, I had always worn a gift from my parents which were these small 24K gold hoop earrings that they got for me in Hong Kong. I thought if I took those off and if I wore the stud earrings all the time then my parents might feel insulted that I no longer wanted to wear the earrings that they gave me. So I explained my story to my boyfriend, now husband, and he (being so laid back) said that he would return the earrings the next day. Needless to say before he returned the earrings, I stared at them all night without any sleep because they sparkled and were truly beautiful. I think he got them for me so that all my girlfriends wouldn't tease him anymore for him not getting me any "bling bling."
Anyway, we took that money from the diamond stud earrings and we spent it on a 7 or 8 day vacation in Hawaii. We both got to enjoy that trip tremendously. Obviously my girlfriends said that I was "stupid," and that I should have kept the diamond stud earrings and still have gone on our little trip. I didn't think so. I got to spend some good quality time with my boyfriend, now husband, and I look back and think that was a wonderful experience for both of us.

So yeah, it is easy to miscommunicate what one wants and if what you want will actually hurt the person who gave you that gift. I think your fiance did what he thought was best for you. In my personal opinion, I think anywhere from the 3/4 carats or bigger looks great. My cousin, who has small size two fingers, sports a 1/2 carat diamond and I think it looks wonderful on her. On the other hand, I've also seen some one carat diamonds that were big but didn't sparkle. From what you have said, at least yours sparkle and what I think is most important is that your fiance loves you or else he wouldn't have proposed to you. That love is the most important thing in my opinion. Whether you can be honest with him about what you think about the ring while talking to him tactfully without hurting his feelings is another story. Everybody is different. My husband said that he felt embarrassed when he returned the earrings back to the store, but then I was surprised that he was not embarrassed with some of his antics that he did during our trip to Hawaii. (We went to a luau, he entered a dance contest, and he came out sporting a coconut bra with a grass skirt shaking his booty like Lil' Kim. I don't even want to get started with that story.) So anyway, I wish you both happiness and bliss in your upcoming nuptials. May your love on that day reign supreme over everything even the size of your diamond. Congrats!

 

[Mara]

It's actually quite funny because everyone will judge you based upon what their beliefs are. But in the end, whatever makes you and your honey happy is what is really important.




Every male is different. PQ's example of the guy who upgraded his wife until she was happy was one point of view, some guys just want their gal to be happy whatever it takes. Obviously this gal stopped at the 1c mark which is what she really wanted all along!




My guy...whenever I mention that my diamond doesn't really have as much FIRE as I'd like sometimes...he get somewhat offended and in his mind he hears 'not good enough'. So I learned to keep those thoughts to myself (or share them with you all), and all he needs to know is that I really love my ring and stone--which I do. His thought process is that he buys for others what HE wants, he is the gift-giver. That is a definitely different train of thought from the PQ example.




But I do applaud the man who takes the time to find out what his girl REALLY wants...not just looking vaguely at what she is pointing at in the store and then going off and making the version of what he likes best. This definitely goes to all the guys we get in here asking...should I go more for size or the top super duper louper ideal thats 3/4 of the size. At times it can be all about compromise and that is great training for the married life in my opinion. Sometimes you get what you want, other times you get what he wants. Hee Hee.




In my opinion, and I'm sure strm is going to blow a gasket when he sees this one...but this is not the last stone you will have--there is always opportunity for improvement! There is nothing wrong with loving diamonds or wanting more, don't let anyone tell you different.

As long as you don't spend the kids' college fund on a new bauble and can save up for things you want...enjoy yourself later! Get an upgrade on the engagement ring at year 5 or year 10. Get a bigger, heftier wedding band with pave all the way around, or do what is really popular now and get TWO bands, one for each side (thin). There are other ways to beef up that ring either short-term or long-term....but if you are unsure as to how your honey would take you mentioning that you wanted a slightly bigger stone, maybe best to say nothing.




Then again this is all coming from a gal who doesn't really believe that the engagement ring represents anything but an old tradition and a beautiful piece of jewelry. I don't believe the ring on my finger speaks of his love for me...big or small, or how great our relationship is going to be..or anything other than what it appears to be.

So maybe you don't want to listen to me. Hee Hee.

 

[sumi]

I second what LawGem said.


My e-ring represents something really special to me. My husband spent a big chunk of change on my ring, and he paid for it in cash. He saved his money for a year to be able to buy my ring, I'm sure he denied himself a few treats in order to save that money. That means so much to me. I won't ever be able to let go of this ring, I won't ever upgrade.


If the size of your e-ring bothers you, why don't you get an eternity band for your wedding ring? Then you get more diamonds! Also, get a fabulous ring for your right hand, or earrings, etc, etc.

 

[Nicrez]

It's just a piece of stone and not a symbol. If it was a symbol and it was lost or stolen, would your love be less strong? No? Then why would it be if it was eventually traded up or changed?

I am not advocating throwing it in his face, tactlessly and declaring, "I want a bigger stone!" But should they both MUTUALLY decide to upgrade at some point, their love is not tied to that stone! Just like a house. If you had a nice house, but it got too small for your tastes, and you could afford a better house, would you then think that your childhood is then gone when it's sold?! NO!

It's the thought, the effort and the sacrifice of the guy. Ideally he knows your tastes perfectly or allows you to pick out some details (if you are picky, like me), but if not, he should know that his effort will at some point be overruled by circumstances. If it's money, let it go! Save your money, love the ring, and upgrade when it's possible, but when it comes to someone's tasts you can always change it. Ideally we shoudl love whatever gift we are given. We don't always.

To this day, in my closet is a very awful velvet and lace shirt my grandmother gave me because she thought of me and bought it. I have never touched the thing, and didn't want to be mean, so I keep it to this day. But you can't really appreciate something in the back of a jewelry box, so at some point, you either learn to like it, or find what you do like. Life is too short to dictate other's tastes and hope they like the same thing...

I would never get my BF a Movado, as he HATES them. And He would never get me a Tag Heuer as I hate those...Just because I spend a lot of money on it with love doesn't mean he'll suddenly love it. I would rather he have something HE REALLY love, and not have to change him! It's just a ring, not an incarnation of his love!!!

 

[sumi]

oops, accidentally posted twice and I've now deleted it....