Feeling Guilty...

[aljdewey]

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On 2/5/2004 11:59:55 AM LawGem wrote:







My $0.02? I think that in all this endless upgrade talk, we have totally lost sight of the fact that an engagement ring is a gift. A gift! It's not an entitlement, however much it may be a tradition. And every etiquette manual out there will tell you that it is insufferably rude to return a gift to the giver with a request that s/he get something bigger/nicer/more expensive.




I'm sorry, but I don't subscribe to the school of thought that all women are entitled to precisely the engagement ring they want, whether it's at the engagement or 15 years later, especially since, in most cases, the guy is paying for the entire thing.




Is there nothing to be said for graciously accepting a gift for what it is? Valuing the thought and effort over the carat size?




I guess I'm luckier than I realized to have a wife who has told me again and again that her ring is perfect because it's something I picked out and designed. Maybe we're just weird?




And yes, the breast analogy is perfect. There will always be someone more/better endowed than you are; constantly comparing yourself to what others have is a sure-fire road to unhappiness.

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It is completely uncanny to me how much we think alike, LG. I said just the same thing in another thread. It is a GIFT, and one that is given with a great deal of sentimentality. A woman can own ANY other pieces of jewelry she wants to in life, but there is just no way to compare any other object (jewelry or otherwise) to the e-ring/w-ring. It is given from someone else, and should be accepted as given.

I was fortunate in that my FI knew I was very into jewelry and asked me to pick it out. But what if he hadn't? What if he had picked out an emerald cut ring (which I would not have cared for?). That's right.....I'd have worn it, and worn it with pride.

Even though I picked this stone and setting......I STILL see it as his gift to me. I picked my tiffany 6-prong setting as a temporary setting, but he really likes it, so I'm thinking of sticking with it for a while.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 2/5/2004 11:59:55 AM LawGem wrote:


My $0.02? I think that in all this endless upgrade talk, we have totally lost sight of the fact that an engagement ring is a gift. A gift! It's not an entitlement, however much it may be a tradition. /angryfire.gif'>
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Yes, it's a gift. A very special one that receiver has to wear every day for a very very long time (hopefully).

That said, I think it is an *obligation* - yes, an obligation (and not a burden) to find something that the recipient will like & enjoy. Whenever I buy a gift - foremost on my mind is "what will that person want/like"? I don't buy black turtlenecks for my best friend. She likes bright colors - I think she looks like a neon sign sometimes. But, it's not *about me*. I hate Celtic music; yet, I buy hubby CD's for gifts. And these are dopey things that are disposable.

A gift is something that the other person will find pleasure in having/owning/using/wearing - not what the giver would like for someone wear, etc. Sorry, that's way too controlling for me.

Or, a better one - What do you want? a concrete answer given. "Oh, you don't really need that - or you don't really want that." That's a marriage that failed. True story.

I truly believe that it's the thought that counts w/ a gift. Sometimes it may not be exactly perfect. But, if someone is truly listening to you, it's usually pretty close enough.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 2/5/2004 11:59:55 AM LawGem wrote:


And yes, the breast analogy is perfect. There will always be someone more/better endowed than you are; constantly comparing yourself to what others have is a sure-fire road to unhappiness.

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I can assure you in that catagory - size isn't everything.

Besides, while you can argue the point, you don't shop for breasts. They are God given.

 

[mike04456]

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On 2/5/2004 3:31:59 PM fire&ice wrote:





Besides, while you can argue the point, you don't shop for breasts. They are God given.
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Not in Southern California.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 2/5/2004 3:52:19 PM LawGem wrote:

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On 2/5/2004 3:31:59 PM fire&ice wrote:



Besides, while you can argue the point, you don't shop for breasts. They are God given.
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Not in Southern California.

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touche.

 

[Jaded Gem]

Hey Fire & Ice, I read your sentence "Besides, while you can argue the point, you don't shop for breasts. They are God given." And I thought how true that in this world, we as humans (shaped by others) do actually have come down to shopping for things like breasts and doing nose jobs. What I mean is that people nowadays aren't even happy with their looks or what they have. I have heard that through friends of friends and seen on television that there are some ladies (who say that they would feel and look more attractive to their significant others or under their significant other's suggestions) have opted for a much larger endowment. I thought about that statement and the one where people compare their engagement rock size to that of others. Do certain sizes appeal to us or do we want to appeal to the masses? It's a tough call. From one point or another, I'm sure all of us have wanted some type of approval from family or peers about something. I guess it depends on what that is that we feel insecure about. It's crazy. I have to admit that I do care what others think like what my parents'and husband's opinion(s) are, but I also care about me having my own opinions as well. During my middle school and high school days, I did a fashion show in front of the mirror of what I would wear the next day to school. I also did the mile high hair which I utterly regret everytime I look at an old pic of myself. I wish I had trusted the opinions of my parents and put the hairspray down for a minute. God knows how I depleted the ozone back then. When I got to college and after college, I kind of formed more of my own opinions of where I fit into society. I don't do those fashion shows for myself anymore nor do I deplete the ozone with an overexcessive use of hairspray. I actually think I've tamed down quite a bit and matured in the process. I guess I have to ask where do we draw our fascination with things and where do we place ourselves within that mayhem? Sorry to have hijacked this thread and gone into another tangent here.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

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On 2/5/2004 10:47:33 AM salamander wrote:

Thank you everyone for your honest and candid answers!

It really helped to hear what I was thinking all along, but just needed to accept. I never really emphasized the importance of size to him, so he was only following his own best judgment. As pauls girl said, my fiancé wanted to make sure he got the exact ring I wanted, and tried to make it even better by upgrading the color & the cut, even if it meant sacrificing size. He would be very hurt and disappointed if I told him the stone he picked wasn't good enough.

I think I was just suffering from diamond-envy, as another girl in my department got engaged on the same day and has a big honker of a rock! When a co-worker told me that, he followed it up by saying hers was beautiful (emphasis on the beautiful).

I guess diamonds are like breasts - sitting out there for the world to judge. It's hard for others to understand that my stone is of much better quality, sparkles like crazy and probably cost twice as much -- even though hers is bigger.

So I've just decided that if I really want a big rock, maybe I should just buy it myself and have a gorgeous right hand ring.

Thanks again everyone!

P.S. I definitely won't be doing the 'on-the-sly thing' - that was more tongue-in-cheek than anything.----------------

Salamander,

I'm so glad you decided to keep the ring your fiance gave you. Reading on too many diamond boards can mess with your mind (lol), but truely the ring is by far the LEAST important part of a relationship. It may have deeply hurt your fiance by telling him you need more diamond to be happy. . .when really ALL you need to be happy is your guy!

Michelle

 

[Bagpuss]

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Michelle wrote

I'm so glad you decided to keep the ring your fiance gave you. Reading on too many diamond boards can mess with your mind (lol), but truely the ring is by far the LEAST important part of a relationship. It may have deeply hurt your fiance by telling him you need more diamond to be happy. . .when really ALL you need to be happy is your guy!

Michelle----------------

Diamond boards can really mess with your mind - I'd second that

ALL you need to be happy is your guy! - How true (romantic sigh)

Salamander wrote:
So I've just decided that if I really want a big rock, maybe I should just buy it myself and have a gorgeous right hand ring. - That's the way to do it girl!

 

[Nicrez]

Bagpuss and Michelle are SO right, these boards can mess with your mind!

When I started my search I was looking at 1.0 1.5ct stones, and denoucing anything with a 2 ct stone as just plain "Unnecessary". I searched and started seeing these lovely 2.5ct to 4 ct rings all over. Around the Diamond District here, the stones in the window are ON AVERAGE sometimes 3 cts...

Finally with exacting standards we both agreed to (me eventually), I gave up my 2 ct stone I was pining for (though it wasn't as pretty), and finally fell in love with a 1.73. Sure that's still big, but the average around here is ALOT more...But I LOVE the perfection of my stone!!!! And the fact that my BF and I can now go house hunting, since we saved some $ on the ring, we can put down a downpayment sooner!!! A home and a diamond of my very own!!!

in your case, you keep your man happy and it's smaller, but it's PERFECT because it was his gift to you! Diamonds come and go, but your hubby...he stays!

YAY for right hand rings!!!