Feeling sad.... may end up off the list.

[Paz]

I noticed the mention of "St. Auggie" and assume your in North Florida, as am I. You also mentioned a guideance counselor, so I am assuming that you are in college (please correct me if I''m wrong). Just an FYI as another North Floridian - I was able to get FREE counseling from UNF''s counseling center. Most state run colleges offer free counseling for individuals and families if you are taking 6 credits or more. I actually had to drop out and they still gave me free sessions.

I won''t attempt to give you advice about your relationship, but I do want to make you aware of free counseling if you want it. If you aren''t in school, check to see if you employer has an "employee assistance program"... they usually offer free confidential counselling by phone. There are resources out there if you truly want to speak with a professional, even if you don''t have cash or insurance. Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

Dragonfly, sorry to hear you''re going through a difficult time. I totally agree with Princesss--a relationship just shouldn''t take that much work.

 

[meresal]

I''m sorry you are going thru this.

From my experience, if someone is convinced that you are doing bad things when you aren''t, they are the ones that are hiding/projecting. I''m not saying he is cheating, but maybe he his having some of the same feelings you are, and is trying to drive you away.

The no intimacy thing is a big indicator for me. Guys Need AND Want that type of stuff. If he isn''t getting or asking for it from you... there''s a problem. Was your "bed" life active before?

 

[Steel]

The "problem" with an online forum like this is that in providing an outlet for concern and stress it invites the reader to proffer advice and opinions when perhaps all you need is a friendly ear.

I am sorry you are both upset at the moment and hope you feel happier together very soon.

Being un-PC, I agree with the other posters. I wonder if PP didn''t hit the nail on the head in mentioning co-dependency; with specific regard to your working out of mutual issues. IMHO relationships suck! They suck because they turn otherwise emotionally and mentally strong people into those who could not see the wood for the trees; until it is too late. Whatever the true issue and whatever the long term outcome; I hope you both see happiness soon.

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 10/22/2009 2:55:52 PM
Author: meresal
I''m sorry you are going thru this.


From my experience, if someone is convinced that you are doing bad things when you aren''t, they are the ones that are hiding/projecting. I''m not saying he is cheating, but maybe he his having some of the same feelings you are, and is trying to drive you away.


The no intimacy thing is a big indicator for me. Guys Need AND Want that type of stuff. If he isn''t getting or asking for it from you... there''s a problem. Was your ''bed'' life active before?

Meresal - yes. The thing about SO is when he''s mad, or off, or irritated, or distraught he sortof retracts, in all senses. He was more social and affectionate after talking and getting things off his chest, holding hands, hugging, etc. He is one of those ball it all up types. Trying to get that out of him, b/c in my experience, it is better to get things out in the open, than to sit and hold them in and let them fester only for it to be something that can be easily resolved.

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 10/22/2009 3:09:48 PM
Author: Steel
The ''problem'' with an online forum like this is that in providing an outlet for concern and stress it invites the reader to proffer advice and opinions when perhaps all you need is a friendly ear.


I am sorry you are both upset at the moment and hope you feel happier together very soon.


Being un-PC, I agree with the other posters. I wonder if PP didn''t hit the nail on the head in mentioning co-dependency; with specific regard to your working out of mutual issues. IMHO relationships suck! They suck because they turn otherwise emotionally and mentally strong people into those who could not see the wood for the trees; until it is too late. Whatever the true issue and whatever the long term outcome; I hope you both see happiness soon.

Thanks Steel for your well wishes and positive thoughts.

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/22/2009 1:51:39 PM
Author: Paz
I noticed the mention of ''St. Auggie'' and assume your in North Florida, as am I. You also mentioned a guideance counselor, so I am assuming that you are in college (please correct me if I''m wrong). Just an FYI as another North Floridian - I was able to get FREE counseling from UNF''s counseling center. Most state run colleges offer free counseling for individuals and families if you are taking 6 credits or more. I actually had to drop out and they still gave me free sessions.

I won''t attempt to give you advice about your relationship, but I do want to make you aware of free counseling if you want it. If you aren''t in school, check to see if you employer has an ''employee assistance program''... they usually offer free confidential counselling by phone. There are resources out there if you truly want to speak with a professional, even if you don''t have cash or insurance. Good luck!

The same was true several years back for Mizzou. I''m not sure the minimum credit requirement, but it was available... FOR FREE. And in one case in particular (I won''t go into details) after the student could no longer attend University, the counsellor continued the sessions w/o charge.

Good luck to you both.

 

[lilyfoot]

dragonfly, it''s obvious that you have accepted what your BF has said, and plan to stay in this relationship. Nothing anybody can say is going to change your mind!

I really do wish you the best. Counseling sounds like a great option for you.

I hope everything works itself out for you

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 10/22/2009 4:00:33 PM
Author: lilyfoot
dragonfly, it''s obvious that you have accepted what your BF has said, and plan to stay in this relationship. Nothing anybody can say is going to change your mind!


I really do wish you the best. Counseling sounds like a great option for you.


I hope everything works itself out for you

Lily - for the moment I plan to. Like I said, I know we are not 100% and we have several things to work on. I''m hoping that council will help, and also us actually communicating these issues and pointing them out will as well. Like I said, in the past we''ve not had extreme issues, and rarely have fights or anything of the sort, which makes me think that perhaps we can work on things. But again, time will also tell .... I''m just not willing to give up on him right now.

 

[meresal]

Date: 10/22/2009 3:17:55 PM
Author: dragonfly411

Date: 10/22/2009 2:55:52 PM
Author: meresal
I''m sorry you are going thru this.


From my experience, if someone is convinced that you are doing bad things when you aren''t, they are the ones that are hiding/projecting. I''m not saying he is cheating, but maybe he his having some of the same feelings you are, and is trying to drive you away.


The no intimacy thing is a big indicator for me. Guys Need AND Want that type of stuff. If he isn''t getting or asking for it from you... there''s a problem. Was your ''bed'' life active before?

Meresal - yes. The thing about SO is when he''s mad, or off, or irritated, or distraught he sortof retracts, in all senses. He was more social and affectionate after talking and getting things off his chest, holding hands, hugging, etc. He is one of those ball it all up types. Trying to get that out of him, b/c in my experience, it is better to get things out in the open, than to sit and hold them in and let them fester only for it to be something that can be easily resolved.

I''m not sure what to say other than I wish you the best in figuring out what is best for YOU. The thing is, people grow apart. I''m not saying this is the case for you, but I''m guessing you both have been together since Freshman year and you have both grown ALOT eventhough you may not realize it.

I know you may not be looking for advice, but I think at this point, I would take a step back and look at everything for exactly what it is. His friends. His demeanor. The way you and your SO relate to each other. The communication. Everything.
The thing is, that once you graduate there will be tough times, and you have to be able to communicate. I''m not sure about you, but since you wrote this thread, I''m guessing it hurts you that he pulls away and lets things boil up. That will only make things harder in life to come for himself and for you.

Just do what is best for you.

I agree about the school counselor. My college also had a legal advice and a lawyer you could use. It is all included in your fees.

Best of luck hon!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Something has been bothering me...

The comment about you "missing" things because you're reading instead of biking...and to be totally honest, that sounds so odd to me. It's wonderful he enjoys running and whatnot...but did you mention that he might be missing out on something by not reading? No! Why? Because those are his interests and they are valid...you cannot influence him, nor should he try to control you and your hobbies. It feels very controlling to me for some reason, like "as is" you're falling short of his expectations...

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/22/2009 10:04:31 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Something has been bothering me...

The comment about you 'missing' things because you're reading instead of biking...and to be totally honest, that sounds so odd to me. It's wonderful he enjoys running and whatnot...but did you mention that he might be missing out on something by not reading? No! Why? Because those are his interests and they are valid...you cannot influence him, nor should he try to control you and your hobbies. It feels very controlling to me for some reason, like 'as is' you're falling short of his expectations...

Yes, this whole issue of doing activities he approves of has bothered me, even when I read the first post. I think it's wonderful you talked to him about it Dragonfly, that's a good start. But I am not sure if he really got it, I have a feeling he thinks his explanation is enough and will still continue to think you should do things he likes. You're 23, you have your whole life to do outside things! So what if you spend some time just staying indoors and reading? And why should he be so worried about it? If you're "missing" something, then it's your problem, not his! I'm just thinking out loud and sharing some thoughts I had...sounds like you guys had a good talk and communicated with each other, I really hope he can put his words into action.

 

[NYCsparkle]

good luck working on things....from what you''ve written you will need it. you are only 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. you may think you are old or what not, but your early 20''s is a time to find out who you really are, what you really want out of life (the big picture). i think most of us are happy to have found a person to GROW with in life. it doesn''t sound like you have found that person yet, but maybe with work you can change him-----with that being said its not usually a likely case. jealousy is a deeper issue....i''ve been cheated on in the past and had very bad relationships, but once i met dh i knew he was trustworthy and my past stayed my past....i wish you all the best and i hope you find the strenth to do whats best.

how do the people who are close to you feel about your relationship?...the ones who know alll the details?

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 10/23/2009 10:36:19 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
good luck working on things....from what you''ve written you will need it. you are only 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. you may think you are old or what not, but your early 20''s is a time to find out who you really are, what you really want out of life (the big picture). i think most of us are happy to have found a person to GROW with in life. it doesn''t sound like you have found that person yet, but maybe with work you can change him-----with that being said its not usually a likely case. jealousy is a deeper issue....i''ve been cheated on in the past and had very bad relationships, but once i met dh i knew he was trustworthy and my past stayed my past....i wish you all the best and i hope you find the strenth to do whats best.


how do the people who are close to you feel about your relationship?...the ones who know alll the details?

My family loves him, his family loves me, all of our friends see us as "that" couple. Like I said, until now we haven''t had huge issues. I don''t take what he said as an "excuse" to let fly. I think he truly means it based on how he was raised and what his lifestyle is like, which is why I want to give him the chance to work on things.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/23/2009 11:05:01 AM
Author: dragonfly411

Date: 10/23/2009 10:36:19 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
good luck working on things....from what you've written you will need it. you are only 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. you may think you are old or what not, but your early 20's is a time to find out who you really are, what you really want out of life (the big picture). i think most of us are happy to have found a person to GROW with in life. it doesn't sound like you have found that person yet, but maybe with work you can change him-----with that being said its not usually a likely case. jealousy is a deeper issue....i've been cheated on in the past and had very bad relationships, but once i met dh i knew he was trustworthy and my past stayed my past....i wish you all the best and i hope you find the strenth to do whats best.


how do the people who are close to you feel about your relationship?...the ones who know alll the details?

My family loves him, his family loves me, all of our friends see us as 'that' couple. Like I said, until now we haven't had huge issues. I don't take what he said as an 'excuse' to let fly. I think he truly means it based on how he was raised and what his lifestyle is like, which is why I want to give him the chance to work on things.

Honey, you're giving him "a chance to work on things" that stem from how he was raised? Those things aren't going to change - they have been instilled in him from childhood, and they are now a part of who he is. It sounds like you're asking him to change *himself*, which is what he was basically trying to make you do. It made you unhappy and you felt controlled when he tried to make you do things his way, so how do you think he's going to feel about having to do things your way?

ETA: What is "that" couple? I don't understand what you mean by that.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Date: 10/23/2009 11:10:58 AM
Author: princesss

Honey, you''re giving him ''a chance to work on things'' that stem from how he was raised? Those things aren''t going to change - they have been instilled in him from childhood, and they are now a part of who he is. It sounds like you''re asking him to change *himself*, which is what he was basically trying to make you do. It made you unhappy and you felt controlled when he tried to make you do things his way, so how do you think he''s going to feel about having to do things your way?

ETA: What is ''that'' couple? I don''t understand what you mean by that.

+1

i don''t think you''ve had many issues because from what you''ve written you don''t really fight. do you not fight because you do what he wants? or when either of you are mad do you bottle it up?

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/23/2009 11:05:01 AM
Author: dragonfly411

Date: 10/23/2009 10:36:19 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
good luck working on things....from what you''ve written you will need it. you are only 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. you may think you are old or what not, but your early 20''s is a time to find out who you really are, what you really want out of life (the big picture). i think most of us are happy to have found a person to GROW with in life. it doesn''t sound like you have found that person yet, but maybe with work you can change him-----with that being said its not usually a likely case. jealousy is a deeper issue....i''ve been cheated on in the past and had very bad relationships, but once i met dh i knew he was trustworthy and my past stayed my past....i wish you all the best and i hope you find the strenth to do whats best.


how do the people who are close to you feel about your relationship?...the ones who know alll the details?

My family loves him, his family loves me, all of our friends see us as ''that'' couple. Like I said, until now we haven''t had huge issues. I don''t take what he said as an ''excuse'' to let fly. I think he truly means it based on how he was raised and what his lifestyle is like, which is why I want to give him the chance to work on things.

I used to be in ''that'' relationship. My friends were shocked when I left. Now they say I seem so happy. Well, duh, I am. Don''t be scared of what could be.

The things that need to change...I just don''t think they will. If he was raised in these ways, I think it''s going to take a lot more than working on it. You can''t change him, nor should you. Doesn''t mean he''s a bad guy, just that you may no longer be compatible.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/23/2009 11:10:58 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 10/23/2009 11:05:01 AM
Author: dragonfly411

Date: 10/23/2009 10:36:19 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
good luck working on things....from what you''ve written you will need it. you are only 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. you may think you are old or what not, but your early 20''s is a time to find out who you really are, what you really want out of life (the big picture). i think most of us are happy to have found a person to GROW with in life. it doesn''t sound like you have found that person yet, but maybe with work you can change him-----with that being said its not usually a likely case. jealousy is a deeper issue....i''ve been cheated on in the past and had very bad relationships, but once i met dh i knew he was trustworthy and my past stayed my past....i wish you all the best and i hope you find the strenth to do whats best.


how do the people who are close to you feel about your relationship?...the ones who know alll the details?

My family loves him, his family loves me, all of our friends see us as ''that'' couple. Like I said, until now we haven''t had huge issues. I don''t take what he said as an ''excuse'' to let fly. I think he truly means it based on how he was raised and what his lifestyle is like, which is why I want to give him the chance to work on things.

Honey, you''re giving him ''a chance to work on things'' that stem from how he was raised? Those things aren''t going to change - they have been instilled in him from childhood, and they are now a part of who he is. It sounds like you''re asking him to change *himself*, which is what he was basically trying to make you do. It made you unhappy and you felt controlled when he tried to make you do things his way, so how do you think he''s going to feel about having to do things your way?

ETA: What is ''that'' couple? I don''t understand what you mean by that.

I agree with you princess, I really don''t think people can "change" their basic personality traits, they are who they are. Your bf may make an effort Dragonfly, but I don''t think he can really change who he is. He has certain beliefs and attitudes, and they are a part of him. I''m not saying he''s a bad guy either, I just don''t think you guys are compatible.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 10/22/2009 10:04:31 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Something has been bothering me...

The comment about you ''missing'' things because you''re reading instead of biking...and to be totally honest, that sounds so odd to me. It''s wonderful he enjoys running and whatnot...but did you mention that he might be missing out on something by not reading? No! Why? Because those are his interests and they are valid...you cannot influence him, nor should he try to control you and your hobbies. It feels very controlling to me for some reason, like ''as is'' you''re falling short of his expectations...

Italia - i think you offer a lot of great advice, but in regards to your above comment, my mother used to say the same thing about all the car trips we took as a kid, when i wouldnt want to learn about history, see a museum, etc.

Sometimes, another persons activity is not their cup of tea (which we can all agree on), but, for some people, they are being genuine in their offer to share the experiences, and are truly concerned that the other person really will "miss out". It''s not always a control, or looking down upon issue.

Dragonfly - i really do hope you do seek out an counselor. i saw one for 4 weeks, and while not every problem may be fixed in my life, she really did give me the tools to help myself. and the same for your BF regarding intimacy. If he is having issues, especially when depressed/upset, it may be more than just the topic/issue at hand. He might actually have an inbalance in his life, to where he needs help too.

sorry for the lack of grammer/spelling/etc. a headach just kicked in. yuk!

 

[sparklyheart]

DF, you sound like a very smart girl but I have noticed a couple trends in your posts that I have to comment on. I''m sorry if this sounds rude but it is very confusing to me...

You say he has helped put you back together after your last break up, but from everything you have said about your feelings when he treats you the way he does, you don''t sound very "put together." It sounds more like he is bringing you back down.

Also I may be misinterpreting what you are saying, but you said he has been very tolerant of you.. Except after four years he still doesn''t get that you like to hang out inside with a good book instead of running around outside all of the time? He still doesn''t respect the fact that you like to do different things? What is he being tolerant of? The fact that you had a bad relationship and were trying to get over it? What about the rest of you..he doesn''t seem very tolerant of anything that is different than what he does/knows. I know you said he was there for you, and that''s great.. but he also knows your weaknesses and knows how to truly make you fall because he''s seen you there...Jealous people are often times very controlling with or without knowing it and if he knows what can make you fall, he may subconsciously use that information if something is wrong.

There is so much more to your story that none of us know about. I am glad you guys are able to talk about things but I hope he does more than just put a band-aid on things. I agree with the people who suggested counseling for yourself. He may even try it out since you said he has been cheated on in the past. Good luck with whatever you do.. Just don''t let the little things (he brought you roses, he opens doors, etc.) make you forget the big picture.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 10/23/2009 7:26:52 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Italia - i think you offer a lot of great advice, but in regards to your above comment, my mother used to say the same thing about all the car trips we took as a kid, when i wouldnt want to learn about history, see a museum, etc.

Sometimes, another persons activity is not their cup of tea (which we can all agree on), but, for some people, they are being genuine in their offer to share the experiences, and are truly concerned that the other person really will ''miss out''. It''s not always a control, or looking down upon issue.

Ditto. My mom does the same, as well as my hubby. I''m always reading and they''re always urging me to go out and have fun. Sometimes I listen to them and have a great time and sometimes I don''t and just stay home with my book. The thought that they''re doing this because they''re controlling never even crossed my mind.

dragonfly, you''re the only one who really knows what''s going on between you and him and I''m sure you''re neither stupid nor naive enough to willingly stay in a bad, unhealthy relationship. If you believe he is worth the effort, then he is worth it. Period. You already said you two are going to try to work things out and I deeply believe that from that point on all we, the ladies on PS ought to do is respect that and wish you good luck. Questioning your choice any further is useless and in bad taste.

All I want to do is offer you a hug and wish you good luck!

 

[Amzizzle]

Dragonfly,

You seem like a smart cookie,and I agree with a lot of other people here who have said counseling seems like the best option right now.If anything it is an unbiased way to figure out what YOU really want.