Feeling sad...

[gwendolyn]

Just wanted to get some of this off my chest by sharing it with you ladies. Hope you don''t mind.

J and I have been together over 3 years now, and most of that (about 2.5 years) has been international long-distance: he lives in northern England, and I have been living in the US. We saw each other for a week or two every 5 or 6 months, which SUCKED. Things improved in September, when I started grad school here in England. Now I''m only 200 miles away from him, instead of 3000+. We usually get to see each other every other week, which is an obvious improvement over once every half a YEAR.

Here''s where my feelings now come in--I''ve been spending the past 3 weeks or so with J because I''m currently on my winter break, and it''s been great. Not perfect, but pretty close. Every time we spend long periods of time together, we fall into this routine like we''re already living together, and it just feels so good, so natural, so right. But then it all comes to an end, and it almost breaks my heart.

Next week, we are going back down to my school, and then on the 11th we are leaving from London to go to Rome for a few days. It will be a great trip, I know, and a wonderful way to end our time together, but I still felt really sad when I asked him when he''d be returning home, because it reminded me how soon our time like this will be at an end.

I''m not sure if there''s anything any of you can say that will make me feel better--school is really incredibly stressful and I wish J and I were living together to make it easier. I know he will come and visit, but that''s not the same as constantly living together, and it''s very difficult to have to give it up, especially after we made it work for so long with us hardly seeing each other at all. My degree will end in the middle of July, so the end is sort of in sight, but the first term (just eight weeks, Oct & Nov) felt like it almost killed me due to the stress, and I''ve got a ton of work left to do still including my research and master''s thesis, so July doesn''t feel like it''s around the corner or anything. I will have some time off in March and April, but that isn''t vacation time--it''s time for me to conduct my research.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent my sadness a bit. In the scheme of life, I know this isn''t long to wait, but I just wish there was a way for J and I to be together like we are now while I''m at school. It makes me feel so sad to have to deal with the stress of school in addition to the loss of having him around on a daily basis.

 

[Po10472]

You sound extremely down and extremely stressed out. I can understand your frustration but you have gone thro so much already to be with J, another 7 months is all you need. If the months fly by as fast as 2007 did you''ll be there before you know it and with a masters nonethless. Its the last hurdle which is always the hardest. What are the logistics of moving into together in a town where you can both commute? Would this be a possibility to make life easier?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/5/2008 8:32:08 AM
Author: Po10472
You sound extremely down and extremely stressed out. I can understand your frustration but you have gone thro so much already to be with J, another 7 months is all you need. If the months fly by as fast as 2007 did you''ll be there before you know it and with a masters nonethless. Its the last hurdle which is always the hardest. What are the logistics of moving into together in a town where you can both commute? Would this be a possibility to make life easier?

No, we can''t live together while I''m at school--I''m going to Cambridge, which has a billion rules for everything, and one of them is that as an international student, I have to live on-campus and so I can''t live with J. Cambridge is also an extremely expensive place to live (more expensive than London, I was horrified to discover), so it would be incredibly difficult and not financially responsible for J to move down to live and work near me, especially for such a relatively short period of time.

Looking ahead to July is also about as stressful as it is exciting because we have to decide in which country we''ll be living. I''m an adventurous sort, but I''m not sure I want to live an ocean away from all my friends and family, and I know he''d prefer to stay in the UK. We''re both willing to live elsewhere for the other, but it is a very big decision and is full of hoops to jump through for us to get permission from the government to work in addition to finding jobs and living in a new country. Don''t get me wrong, I''m DEFINITELY looking forward to finally being able to live with J. This is just the end of a lovely, stress-free time together, and the start of probably the most stressful stage we will have to go through together. Considering how much school took out of me last term, I''m feeling rather apprehensive about what''s to come. It''s a lot to deal with.

 

[Po10472]

Tell me about it. I work full-time and doing my masters an afternoon/evening a week. I am just going into the second semester of my 2nd year but will be finished this time next year and the semester after the summer is a doddle in comparison with the ones this year. Juggling work, family life and uni is a nightmare but I know that it will be worth it and the end is in sight for me. I''m looking forward to having a guilt-free life where I don''t have it in the back of my mind that I should be studying all the time when I''m enjoying myself.

What an exciting time you have deciding what to do after you finish. I wish you luck.

 

[MissErin]

Oh Gwen.

You are one of my favorite LIWs so it is hard to see you so sad but I don''t blame you at all. That would be REALLY hard and heartbreaking. I also realize there is nothing I can really do or say to help you.

Just know that you can vent ANYTIME to me. Enjoy this time together, even though I KNOW you will. And yes it is short in the long run but that does not make it easier at all. Since you have had total quality time with him, letting him go for the short visits will be tough. Luckily you are a strong lady - something I really admire you for. You will get through it. You have every right to be sad and cry when needed. And no matter what, you always have us.

 

[MissErin]

Gwen - we love you!!

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 1/5/2008 8:10:03 AM
Author:gwendolyn
Just wanted to get some of this off my chest by sharing it with you ladies. Hope you don''t mind.


J and I have been together over 3 years now, and most of that (about 2.5 years) has been international long-distance: he lives in northern England, and I have been living in the US. We saw each other for a week or two every 5 or 6 months, which SUCKED. Things improved in September, when I started grad school here in England. Now I''m only 200 miles away from him, instead of 3000+. We usually get to see each other every other week, which is an obvious improvement over once every half a YEAR.


Here''s where my feelings now come in--I''ve been spending the past 3 weeks or so with J because I''m currently on my winter break, and it''s been great. Not perfect, but pretty close. Every time we spend long periods of time together, we fall into this routine like we''re already living together, and it just feels so good, so natural, so right. But then it all comes to an end, and it almost breaks my heart.


Next week, we are going back down to my school, and then on the 11th we are leaving from London to go to Rome for a few days. It will be a great trip, I know, and a wonderful way to end our time together, but I still felt really sad when I asked him when he''d be returning home, because it reminded me how soon our time like this will be at an end.


I''m not sure if there''s anything any of you can say that will make me feel better--school is really incredibly stressful and I wish J and I were living together to make it easier. I know he will come and visit, but that''s not the same as constantly living together, and it''s very difficult to have to give it up, especially after we made it work for so long with us hardly seeing each other at all. My degree will end in the middle of July, so the end is sort of in sight, but the first term (just eight weeks, Oct & Nov) felt like it almost killed me due to the stress, and I''ve got a ton of work left to do still including my research and master''s thesis, so July doesn''t feel like it''s around the corner or anything. I will have some time off in March and April, but that isn''t vacation time--it''s time for me to conduct my research.


Anyway, thank you for letting me vent my sadness a bit. In the scheme of life, I know this isn''t long to wait, but I just wish there was a way for J and I to be together like we are now while I''m at school. It makes me feel so sad to have to deal with the stress of school in addition to the loss of having him around on a daily basis.

I''ve had a similar sort of relationship with SO, without the living oceans away for a while (You guys are so strong for getting through that, btw). N goes to school about 150 miles away from me, so we see each other too about twice a month. He moved in with me over the summer, got an internship here and it was a delightful time. I felt so sad and depressed when he left that I honestly didn''t know if I was going to be okay. I love getting long breaks from school, but at the same time, I just know I will get used to having him around again and I will be sad when he leaves. The only thing that keeps me sane through all of it is just to remember how great it is that you two love to be around each other! There are so many couples that aren''t even sure if they could stand to live together, but it''s nice to know without a doubt that you can. I know that there is a lot going on between now and July... including the worst - stress from school, but just take it one day at a time.

N and I are in a similar situation - he graduates in May and I still have a year of school to go. I''m stressed about school, where he''s going to get a job, what that means for our relationship, when I am going to see him, etc and it gets totally depressing and overwhelming if you don''t take it a day at a time. You have someone who loves you! And you seem like a very smart girl. Just try to focus on small tasks, what''s due next and when you will see SO next, instead of letting it all get to you.

I hope you start feeling better!

 

[designchica]

Hi Gwendolyn,

I''m sorry you are going through this. LDR''s can be really tough. What''s great is that you are moving in the right direction and have moved CLOSER to him. It may not be the end result you are after, but it certainly a huge move in the right direction.

I was in a LDR at one point for a few years and I can relate to your feelings of heartache when your visits come to an end. Some thinigs that helped me get through the heartache was already having our next visit planned. It may not have been booked as in plane tickets, etc. but we''d at least have a date set and talk about what we''d do and who would do the traveling, etc. It helped to have that date set so that I knew it wouldn''t be the last time we''d see each other and I knew that I only had three more months (or whatever the time frame was).

hang in there and hold onto the faith that you two WILL be together in the end.

 

[bee*]

Hugs Gwendolyn! I''m sorry to hear you''re so down. It must be absolutely rubbish not to be nearer to J during the college year, especially after you''ve moved countries to be nearer to him. I know what you mean about last semester as my one was also absolutely horrible and I''m dreading going back on the 21st of Jan, but I think I look forward to this semester more as it''s getting warmer, we have a break for easter in between and at least we have months off after it. It must be stressful not knowing what the future holds also and not knowing where you''re going to pick to live. I have no real advice as I haven''t been in the same situation but I wish you the best and hope that this semester won''t be as bad. Or the two of you can move to Dublin so you''re a bit closer to home and he''s away from his a bit

 

[Haven]

Oh Gwennie, I''m so sorry to hear that you''re having such a rough time right now. I''m sure it''s terribly difficult to be so far away from J, AND to be going through a master''s program at such an incredible university.

I''ve never been in a long-term long distance relationship, but my little sister has been in one for seven years, five of which they''ve been in different cities. They started writing little notes and sending them to each other, and now they have a wonderful little collection of love notes. I know this doesn''t make it all better, but it''s a nice thing to do.

I hope the next seven months fly by and you can finally enjoy being in the same place as your man!

 

[surfgirl]

Gwen, all you can really do right now is ENJOY the time you spend together and think of how much fun you''ll have the next time you see your bf. Dont lose a wonderful moment getting caught up in what might be. Live for today hon! Life flies by before you know it.

BTW, you know that old avatar you used to have? I really loved it. Was it a photo of you or an old photo? I never could tell and I keep meaning to ask you about it...!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 1/5/2008 8:57:03 PM
Author: surfgirl
Gwen, all you can really do right now is ENJOY the time you spend together and think of how much fun you''ll have the next time you see your bf. Dont lose a wonderful moment getting caught up in what might be. Live for today hon! Life flies by before you know it.

BTW, you know that old avatar you used to have? I really loved it. Was it a photo of you or an old photo? I never could tell and I keep meaning to ask you about it...!

Word!

I dated my DH long-distance for 4 months before he whisked me away to Mexico, and then we moved intogether...even though we moved into a 2br, 2bath apt. Istill found myself itching to get away from him at times and still do now that we are Husband and wife in a house we bought together!

 

[gwendolyn]

Thanks for letting me get my blueness out on here so I could focus on having a great time with J yesterday, ladies! Most of the time I AM very appreciative of the time we spend together and don''t take a second of it for granted, as I''m sure those of you who have done long-distance relationships over considerable distances will understand. It feels like an indulgence to get to sit on the sofa and watch TV together! So yeah, please don''t feel that because I was venting a bit that I was mopey and depressed with J, because I wasn''t. I came here to get rid of those feelings so I wouldn''t have to dampen our time together with them. I can''t just get rid of them without expelling them somehow--much as I''d like to be, I''m not perfect.

Anyway, it is going to be an exciting time for us, and it will definitely help to have a set date of when we''ll see each other next when we do part ways this time. That''s what got me through going 6 months between seeing him (well, that and our virtual dates

), so no doubt it will work it''s magic again. Thanks for the reminder, aliciagirl and designchica!

Po10472, oh I know how hard it is to juggle all that stuff--best of luck to you with it!

MissErin, thank you so much, sweetheart! Your kind words of encouragement are ALWAYS welcome! Thanks so much for taking the time to help me feel better!

aliciagirl, it sounds like you know exactly how I''ve been feeling! You''re right, the way to deal with it is to take just one day at a time and be grateful for the good times and focus on the next time we''ll see them again. Before we know it, we''ll be settled down and married and all this will just be memories and stories to tell our kids, if we have any.

designchica, you are completely right about having the next visit planned in some way. I remember the first time I left J after visiting him in England for a week and I cried for days because I felt like I''d never see him again because our next visit was "sometime in the future." That felt AWFUL. Once we talked about a time of year, things got better--better still when the next plane ticket was bought. So yes, you are dead on about having plans set up--I will make sure we have something tentative when we part ways later this month.

bee*, yeah, things are stressful, but I think J and I are finally headed into the home-stretch, where once my schooling is done and we pick a place to live, we can finally move on and get started with being together! Which is a very exciting thing, regardless of where we''ll end up. And you know, I kinda like your idea of living in Ireland! How fun would it be for us to be neighbours?

Plus I''ve got a friend who moved to Ireland about 4 years ago--used to live in Galway, now lives in Limerick...hmmm, could be an idea....

Haven, thanks so much for that sweet idea! I do have a tendency to send J things in the mail when we''re apart because it helps me feel closer to him--usually I send presents instead of love notes, but that gets pricey so I''ve stopped. But the idea of the love notes is really sweet, and would be wonderful to have if I ever made a scrapbook or something of us (not that that''s very likely since I''ve only ever made one scrapbook in my life and that was almost 8 years ago, but still, stranger things have happened!).

surfgirl, thanks for your post! I do think I''ve mostly been enjoying time with J, and have used and abused this board and these lovely LIWs in order to keep my focus on him instead of feeling sad about our brief stay into a daily domestic life together ending. As for my old avatar, it was a photo of my favourite singer, Tori Amos, when she was dressed as a bride for one of her videos--I put that up considering this is a very bridey place, until I realized that if people have avatars of things that weren''t diamonds or pets, they were usually of the people themselves! So I took it down and put up a photo of me instead, since I didn''t want anyone to think that Tori was me (although I''d be quite happy to look like her

). I''ll see if I can find a full-size version of the photo of her--the song it''s from is really very good too, if you''re into piano chick music.

monarch64, heheh, oh I know I will be needing my own space from J sometimes--please don''t think that I am freaking out just because I an co-dependent and need to be suction-cupped to him at all times, because that is DEFINITELY not the case! I just feel like we''ve got a lot of catching up to do, with being ultra-long-distance for a very long time, so it''s hard to give up the time we''ve got together to go back to chatting online and talking on the phone. And the snuggles! How I will miss the snuggles!!! Ah well, it won''t be long before I see him again, and will get extra snuggles to make up for the time in-between.

 

[gwendolyn]

surfgirl, here''s the full picture from where my avatar came from, in case you''re curious.

 

[Lorelei]

Gwen, Hubby and I had to be apart for over a year a few years ago, due to his work. Once we reached the new year and he was due back that summer, trust me, the time dragged so badly! We managed all of the previous year without too much difficulty, then once the end was in sight, it took forever! This seems to be normal, but I can sympathise. Hang in there!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Gwendolyn,

I remember when I was finishing my master''s degree, the last 6 months of research seemed to extend itself to 2 years. It felt very, very long. For me anyways, it was the whole deal of going straight from a bachelor''s degree to a master''s without a break in between. The very last day after the revisions and defense were done, I practically threw the final copy at them and swore I would never step foot in the lab again.

My only advice is to take it one day at the time. Kind of like, buckle down, close your eyes and plow through it. I know it''s an ugly picture but that''s how I got through it. Three years later I have to admit that I''m very vague on the memories of that period. I think it was so awful that I blocked it out. You''ll get through it! And be even stronger because you were able to do it without your guy by your side. Take care!

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/6/2008 9:44:37 AM
Author: gwendolyn

bee*, yeah, things are stressful, but I think J and I are finally headed into the home-stretch, where once my schooling is done and we pick a place to live, we can finally move on and get started with being together! Which is a very exciting thing, regardless of where we''ll end up. And you know, I kinda like your idea of living in Ireland! How fun would it be for us to be neighbours?

Plus I''ve got a friend who moved to Ireland about 4 years ago--used to live in Galway, now lives in Limerick...hmmm, could be an idea....

It could definitely be an idea....but you''d have to move to Dublin! (hehe sorry Delster

). Roll on July so you can be finished!

 

[EricaR]

Oh Gwen, I can''t imagine how you are feeling!

I do know exactly what you mean when you say that when the two of you are together it just feels right and perfect. Ken and I have been living together for two years now, but within a month it already felt like we were a family and it breaks my heart just thinking about not being able to see him every day and sleep next to him every night. I will admit that I do have moments of wanting to be alone, but every time he comes home from somewhere I greet him at the door with a hug and a kiss.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I''m sure the first few days will be the hardest but you seem like such a strong woman I''m sure you will get through it much easier than you give yourself credit for.

 

[Sassee]

Oh Gwen, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. I know that you are always there to offer your kind support and words of wisdom to other LIWs, so I am glad to see you taking time out to unload about your own situation for once.

Can I just say - go girl!! To be studying at Cambridge is an amazing thing and obviously a testament to your intelligence and dedication to your study.

Soon enough, you will graduate and you and J have the rest of your lives together!

You are so close, so don''t lose sight of the finish line just yet - it will be upon you before you know it.

And you don''t want to look back in 10 years and think "gee, the world was my oyster at Cambridge and I really didn''t enjoy it as much as I should have". I''m sure a smart cookie like you has already got it sorted, but my advice is to focus on the positives (easier said than done, I know) and embrace your time as an independent woman pursuing excellence in your chosen field. You should be really proud of yourself!

I really hope these months don''t drag, but by the sounds of it, you''ll be so busy with school, that the days will fly by!

And then, the beginning of a whole new chapter awaits!

 

[ladypirate]

Gwen, I''m so sorry you''re feeling down! I know that nothing will make it any easier, but just remember that there is an end in sight and then you and J will be together full time for the rest of your lives. 6 more months of all this and then it''s over and it will all be a distant memory.

Good luck with dealing with the stress of the next two terms and know that all the ladies in waiting are cheering you on!

 

[gwendolyn]

Thank you again for the well-wishes and encouragement, ladies! I am feeling much better about everything--I know it will still be hard, but considering what J and I have been through already, I know we can do it.

Lorelei (lovely name, by the way), thank you for your story--it reminds me of my old housemate, whose husband is in the army and has been sent to Iraq for over a year at a time twice now! I hope that wasn''t your hubby''s work that kept you two apart--I know how hard it is to be away from each other, but I would drive myself insane if I thought he could be injured at any time. A little extreme, I guess, but it does put things in perspective!

allycat0303, hahah, yeah, I can see myself finishing my degree by essentially throwing it in my professors'' faces! I only had a short paper due at the end of term in November, and I basically did that then, so I KNOW I''ll be that way after the 20,000 word thesis on my research project! Thanks for the empathy; it helps to know you were there and got through it.

bee*, you are too funny! Since J is very proudly English, it''s entirely possible I''ll get a blank stare if I say, "So....what would you think about living in Ireland?" but I''m always open to new ideas and making him give me that "...WHAT?!" face, so we shall see.

EricaR, thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement. You hit my feelings right on the head with saying how it feels to go to sleep next to him every night and wake up every morning with him beside me. The world just doesn''t feel right when I don''t start and end my days with him. Thanks for knowing exactly what I mean when I say that.

Sassee, thank you for being excited for me about being at Cambridge! I honestly didn''t think I''d get in, and the back-up plan for J and I was going to be that I''d go to the Uni of Manchester and he and I would get an apartment and live together starting back in September. I kept telling him, "IF I get into Cambridge, I will have to go there--I wouldn''t be able to live with myself if I turned them down, but it''s a big ''IF''!" When it actually happened, though, I know he was very proud of me, but was also sad that we wouldn''t be living together for another year. But I wouldn''t have things any other way, because I''m very proud that I''ve gotten here myself!

ladypirate, thanks for reminding me of all your support and that it really is a short period of time in the scheme of things until we can be together, finally!

 

[Lorelei]

Gwen thanks! Yes, it was my Hubby''s work that kept us apart, he is military. It was and is hard, we still have to be separated at times due to his commitments, but you sort of get used to it.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/7/2008 7:21:55 AM
Author: Lorelei
Gwen thanks! Yes, it was my Hubby''s work that kept us apart, he is military. It was and is hard, we still have to be separated at times due to his commitments, but you sort of get used to it.

Lorelei, I really admire you for being able to cope. When my housemate''s husband was at war while I was living with her, I felt sick to my stomach with worry almost all the time and that was just empathizing--I have no idea how she didn''t drive herself mad with worry! I hope your husband isn''t gone as often anymore, and that you get to spend most of your time together now.

PS: I absolutely love your puffball avatar.

 

[star sparkle]

Hi Gwen-

I just thought I''d post to let you know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4.5 years, and 3.5 of those years were spent with him living in England and me living in CA (we were over 5500 miles apart!). He finally moved out here just over a year ago and it has been so wonderful being able to see him pretty much whenever I want and not having to worry about the 8-hour time difference !

What kept me going through those 3.5 years of being so far apart was knowing that it wasn''t going to stay that way forever, and the wait would be worth it. I always thought to myself that if we REALLY wanted it to work out and we REALLY wanted to be together, it would all work out. Sure, we both had times where we were just feeling extremely sad and it was always hard to say goodbye after visits, but we knew we loved each other and that it was only temporary.

Best of luck to you, and stay strong. Just remember that this is "temporary" and you''ll hopefully be back together soon.