Feeling sick....

[JulieN]

Ex BF called last Thursday, wanted to talk. It''s been a week, and we haven''t talked yet. Whatever he has to say, if it ever happens, has been so heavy on my mind...my head hurts, my stomach hurts, and my heart races.

 

[BlueSki231]

eeeeek good luck.

What could he possibly have to say?

I mean, if it were really urgent wouldn''t he have not let a week go by with no word...?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

when did you break it off?

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

oohh thats nerve racking. Are you sure you want to hear him out? Is there anything good that can come of the situation?

 

[sammyj]

sounds like there''s some heavy history?? do you HAVE to talk to him? have you remained friends since the breakup?

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Can''t say that I know what your background situation is, but it''s normal to feel upset about it.

Just make sure you''re ready to talk too. Good luck!

 

[JulieN]

to answer everyone in one post while it''s still short:

I reaaaally hope he doesn''t tell me he knocked some girl up and she wants him to marry her, and wants advice from me. That would suck.

Mmm, I don''t know...he might want to get back together, but I''m not sure at this point. The speculation has been driving me mad!

We broke up 2.5 years ago. We''ll probably talk over Thanksgiving weekend...we usually see each other that day...I think we''ve seen each other every Friday after Thanksgiving weekend, but we missed it last year (ended up saving it for Christmas vacation.)

I''ve kind of decided that if he wants another go at it in some time in the future, I''m willing to commit to that future date. I''m ready to talk...I know what I want. He wanted to talk...now I''m a little scared that he''s backing off whatever he wanted to say, thinking that it''s better left unsaid, but it just might be as well he''s waiting for whenever he''s ready (he often takes awhile to get back to me.)

We''re sort of friends...our relationship is still too shaky and undetermined to be a friendship.

I did some exercise this afternoon and feel a bit better.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

JulieN, speaking from experience, I dont know if this relationship is in anyway beneficial to you. It sounds like you already wait around for him to make his next move and you''re not even dating anymore- forget about if you were to get back together! I''ve had my fair share of guys string me along, one imparticular seems like your ex where we only saw eachother when we were both home for holidays AND he called me for sympathy or attention when he''d ended it with someone he was recently dating or when he just felt low about himself.

If you were meant to be together he wouldnt be able to stay away from you and wouldnt be able to wait weeks to tell you he wanted to get back together.

 

[gwendolyn]

I am slightly confused. You are worried about what your ex has to say to you regarding a relationship, caring so much about whatever he might say that you are reacting physically, yet you're on the list, waiting for a proposal?

 

[sunnyd]

Wait, what? Are you not already in a relationship? Did I miss something? You''re still on the LIW list.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 1:30:04 PM
Author: sunnyd
Wait, what? Are you not already in a relationship? Did I miss something? You're still on the LIW list.

Don't worry, you're doing your job right. I have a great boyfriend; we live together and are pretty happy.

Sorry for the confusion!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 1:28:55 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I am slightly confused. You are worried about what your ex has to say to you regarding a relationship, caring so much about whatever he might say that you are reacting physically, yet you''re on the list, waiting for a proposal?

Hi, gwen!

I requested to be on the list during a very nice time period with my current boyfriend.

My ex is pretty much the only person I''ve been involved with romantically who can consistently evoke that type of physical reaction from me, the one where your brain goes into overdrive and starts pumping hormones. The next person who can do that to me, to a lesser degree, is my mom.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/6/2008 11:15:01 PM
Author: JulieN
I''ve kind of decided that if he wants another go at it in some time in the future, I''m willing to commit to that future date. I''m ready to talk...I know what I want.

You say you know what you want ... does your current, live-in boyfriend know that you actually want *someone else* ?

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 1:14:24 PM
Author: SailorsSweet<3
JulieN, speaking from experience, I dont know if this relationship is in anyway beneficial to you. It sounds like you already wait around for him to make his next move and you're not even dating anymore- forget about if you were to get back together! I've had my fair share of guys string me along, one imparticular seems like your ex where we only saw eachother when we were both home for holidays AND he called me for sympathy or attention when he'd ended it with someone he was recently dating or when he just felt low about himself.


If you were meant to be together he wouldnt be able to stay away from you and wouldnt be able to wait weeks to tell you he wanted to get back together.

Oh...yeah. I know. I guess everyone goes through this. It's something that shouldn't even be an issue...guy is acting out of line, you dump him and leave! But for whatever reason, I don't want to completely shake this guy.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:02:02 PM
Author: decodelighted
You say you know what you want ... does your current, live-in boyfriend know that you actually want *someone else* ?

Probably in not so few words! We both love each other, and I'm not letting a flaky ex ruin that for me.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m jumping on the confused as heck bandwagon.

Why are you involved with and living with a guy that you are "pretty happy" with while you obviously have strong, albeit unhealthy, feelings for another guy?

You''re planning to commit to your ex at a future date? Wouldn''t you theoretically be engaged at a future date if you''re an LIW?

I think you should set things straight with your current SO, since he''s obviously not the person you want to be with, and then worry about your ex.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:16:35 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I''m jumping on the confused as heck bandwagon.

Why are you involved with and living with a guy that you are ''pretty happy'' with while you obviously have strong, albeit unhealthy, feelings for another guy?

You''re planning to commit to your ex at a future date? Wouldn''t you theoretically be engaged at a future date if you''re an LIW?

I think you should set things straight with your current SO, since he''s obviously not the person you want to be with, and then worry about your ex.

I''m right there with you Elle

Julie this is what I''m getting so please correct me if I''m wrong...cause I''m at a loss...
1. Your in a pretty happy relationship with your SO
2. Your on a count down list of women waiting for engagment with the man of their dreams (presumably their current SO''s)
3. You frequestly see/talk to an ex that you obviously have feelings for.
4. You would commit to this ex at a future date?!? (Not sure what future date means either)

I''m super confused why your with your current SO if you feel that in the future you would want to be with someone else? I think I''m missing something...am I??

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Julie,

In reading through some of your old posts, it sounds like you are not exactly happy with your current boyfriend and have been having thoughts about your ex for a long time. You might be hanging onto your current relationship because you''d like for it to work, but it''s not fulfilling. I think that trying to juggle your feelings for your current boyfriend and the residual feelings you have for your ex is too much. If I were you, I''d probably break up with current boyfriend and not reach out to the ex until you''ve had some time on your own to really reflect on what you want. You know that your current relationship isn''t making you 100% happy and you broke up with your ex for a reason, so it''s highly possible that neither of these options are the right option for you...right now you are only 22 and your perspective changes SOO much over time, even when you are a very mature 22-year-old.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:16:35 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I''m jumping on the confused as heck bandwagon.

Why are you involved with and living with a guy that you are ''pretty happy'' with while you obviously have strong, albeit unhealthy, feelings for another guy?


You''re planning to commit to your ex at a future date? Wouldn''t you theoretically be engaged at a future date if you''re an LIW?


I think you should set things straight with your current SO, since he''s obviously not the person you want to be with, and then worry about your ex.

Of course, I would only committing to some future date of "being back together" with my ex if I am not engaged. Earlier, I had been thinking a timeline of one year. Now it looks like 3 years (if ever.)

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:30:02 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Hey, Julie,


In reading through some of your old posts, it sounds like you are not exactly happy with your current boyfriend and have been having thoughts about your ex for a long time. You might be hanging onto your current relationship because you''d like for it to work, but it''s not fulfilling. I think that trying to juggle your feelings for your current boyfriend and the residual feelings you have for your ex is too much. If I were you, I''d probably break up with current boyfriend and not reach out to the ex until you''ve had some time on your own to really reflect on what you want. You know that your current relationship isn''t making you 100% happy and you broke up with your ex for a reason, so it''s highly possible that neither of these options are the right option for you...right now you are only 22 and your perspective changes SOO much over time, even when you are a very mature 22-year-old.

Yes, it probably is the case that neither are right for me. I am rather keen be absolutely certain that my ex isn''t right for me, since we are both young, and it''s been five years since we first met...I''m kind of hoping we both changed in such a way that those things that caused us to break up the first time will be less of an issue.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:30:02 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Hey, Julie,

In reading through some of your old posts, it sounds like you are not exactly happy with your current boyfriend and have been having thoughts about your ex for a long time. You might be hanging onto your current relationship because you'd like for it to work, but it's not fulfilling. I think that trying to juggle your feelings for your current boyfriend and the residual feelings you have for your ex is too much. If I were you, I'd probably break up with current boyfriend and not reach out to the ex until you've had some time on your own to really reflect on what you want. You know that your current relationship isn't making you 100% happy and you broke up with your ex for a reason, so it's highly possible that neither of these options are the right option for you...right now you are only 22 and your perspective changes SOO much over time, even when you are a very mature 22-year-old.

Ditto every word. Julie, as NEL said, it IS highly possible that neither chap is actually the best option for you, but IMO if you were truly committed to the guy you are with now - and forgive me if I am wrong - your ex wouldn't be on your mind in the way he seems to be....Here is the thing in my opinion for what it is worth. When you are with the right person, pretty much if you don't know right away, within a reasonable space of time you do know that this person is the one for you. If you are still having thoughts of another, then you need to look closely at the relationship you are in to examine your reasons for continuing with it.

ETA - just saw you posted at the same time...

" Yes, it probably is the case that neither are right for me. I am rather keen be absolutely certain that my ex isn't right for me, since we are both young, and it's been five years since we first met...I'm kind of hoping we both changed in such a way that those things that caused us to break up the first time will be less of an issue. "

And this might be a possibility too.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/7/2008 1:55:18 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 11/7/2008 1:28:55 PM

Author: gwendolyn

I am slightly confused. You are worried about what your ex has to say to you regarding a relationship, caring so much about whatever he might say that you are reacting physically, yet you''re on the list, waiting for a proposal?

Hi, gwen!


I requested to be on the list during a very nice time period with my current boyfriend.


My ex is pretty much the only person I''ve been involved with romantically who can consistently evoke that type of physical reaction from me, the one where your brain goes into overdrive and starts pumping hormones. The next person who can do that to me, to a lesser degree, is my mom.

Hi, Julie!

I have an ex that, for years, evoked that gut reaction in me too. At the time, I confused it for the chemistry of ''meant to be'' love (not saying you are doing the same, just sharing where I''m coming from). We were together for 5 years when we were young, and then he flitted to and fro from my life until I did what was probably the hardest thing I''ve ever done--cut him out completely, for years. That''s what it took to put my brain and my heart back in charge, instead of those stomach pitches and quickened heartbeats.

I''m not sure what sort of advice you''re looking for, or if you''re looking for any at all, really. But I think that if you''re in love with your current boyfriend, you shouldn''t hear what your ex has to say. You should choose one, and if you love and reside with your current boyfriend and want to give your relationship the chance for a future the way you did when you asked to be put onto the list, then you can''t invite confusion and possible temptation into the mix because of some old chemistry. I am obviously biased (hence my sharing of my story above

), but I would cut all ties to the ex. If you break up with your current boyfriend later on, I have no doubt you will be able to find him. Whatever you decide to do, my dear, I hope you end up happy with your choice.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:43:40 PM
Author: Lorelei

ETA - just saw you posted at the same time...

'' Yes, it probably is the case that neither are right for me. I am rather keen be absolutely certain that my ex isn''t right for me, since we are both young, and it''s been five years since we first met...I''m kind of hoping we both changed in such a way that those things that caused us to break up the first time will be less of an issue. ''

And this might be a possibility too.

Yes, it''s a possibility, but I re-read it, and it sounds so naive and hopeful!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:49:28 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 11/7/2008 2:43:40 PM
Author: Lorelei

ETA - just saw you posted at the same time...

' Yes, it probably is the case that neither are right for me. I am rather keen be absolutely certain that my ex isn't right for me, since we are both young, and it's been five years since we first met...I'm kind of hoping we both changed in such a way that those things that caused us to break up the first time will be less of an issue. '

And this might be a possibility too.

Yes, it's a possibility, but I re-read it, and it sounds so naive and hopeful!

LOL! This must be so hard....But I believe life is too short to spend in a relationship you are unsure of, especially if thoughts of a past love keep intruding. I am not suggesting you do anything rash, but I ask you this - how would you feel if you didn't explore the possibility that your ex could be right for you? Would you forever regret it? I ask this because you posted about this a while back and if it is still weighing on your mind, then maybe it is time to really give it some serious thought about what might be best for you.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:46:53 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Hi, Julie!

I have an ex that, for years, evoked that gut reaction in me too. At the time, I confused it for the chemistry of 'meant to be' love (not saying you are doing the same, just sharing where I'm coming from). We were together for 5 years when we were young, and then he flitted to and fro from my life until I did what was probably the hardest thing I've ever done--cut him out completely, for years. That's what it took to put my brain and my heart back in charge, instead of those stomach pitches and quickened heartbeats.

I'm not exactly looking for advice...I understand my position is probably well-understood, but not usual for the LIW board. And advice... well...people do what they want to do, not what they are advised to do.

I'm feeling loads better today...I'm attributing my really bad feelings to having exams this week and PMS.

And, does your boyfriend give you stomach pitches and quickened heartbeats?

I guess I am really disappointed because I wanted to get back with my ex, but it didn't seem like he wanted that. Which is ok, I understand. So I tried to move on, you know, took me a long time... which I guess is working out ok,but not great. And then he calls me, which gives me all this hope... and I'm scared he's going to chicken out.

I know, I know, he sounds like really bad news!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:55:19 PM
Author: Lorelei
LOL! This must be so hard....But I believe life is too short to spend in a relationship you are unsure of, especially if thoughts of a past love keep intruding. I am not suggesting you do anything rash, but I ask you this - how would you feel if you didn't explore the possibility that your ex could be right for you? Would you forever regret it? I ask this because you posted about this a while back and if it is still weighing on your mind, then maybe it is time to really give it some serious thought about what might be best for you.

Yes...I think I would regret it. I don't see myself being able to really move on unless we explored a second chance (or he gets married to someone else, which I don't see this happening for a while...)

It would be great if some knight in shining armor comes in and completely sweeps me off my feet and *rescues* me from my dilemma. It seems like some ladies have experienced this.

But I also realize that as long as I'm not really accepting of anyone else because I think about my ex, the chances of this are remote.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/7/2008 3:01:18 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 11/7/2008 2:46:53 PM

Author: gwendolyn


Hi, Julie!

I have an ex that, for years, evoked that gut reaction in me too. At the time, I confused it for the chemistry of ''meant to be'' love (not saying you are doing the same, just sharing where I''m coming from). We were together for 5 years when we were young, and then he flitted to and fro from my life until I did what was probably the hardest thing I''ve ever done--cut him out completely, for years. That''s what it took to put my brain and my heart back in charge, instead of those stomach pitches and quickened heartbeats.

I''m not exactly looking for advice...I understand my position is probably well-understood, but not usual for the LIW board. And advice... well...people do what they want to do, not what they are advised to do.

This is true. I generally think advice is more useful because of the reaction it inspires in the person to whom it''s directed (I can recall getting some advice that was not helpful as advice but helped clarify my confusion by me vehemently reacting with a "What?! I''d NEVER do THAT!"). So, yeah, ignore the advice bit of my last post.

I''m feeling loads better today...I''m attributing my really bad feelings to having exams this week and PMS.

Oh, that is just plain lousy! I hope the exams are over and any cramps/headaches/bloating are easing.

And, does your boyfriend give you stomach pitches and quickened heartbeats?

Well, to be fair, he hasn''t in a little while, but since we were international long-distance for 2.5ish years and then regular long-distance for one year, it was a bit easier to have those butterflies when we saw each other. But, since we moved in together in August, those butterflies have mostly flown off.

I guess I am really disappointed because I wanted to get back with my ex, but it didn''t seem like he wanted that. Which is ok, I understand. So I tried to move on, you know... which I guess is working out ok,but not great. And then he calls me, which gives me all this hope... and I''m scared he''s going to chicken out.

I know, I know, he sounds like really bad news!

Well, it doesn''t mean that ''he'' is a bad guy--he could be confused like you. Or he could be messing you around. You''re the one who knows him, how your relationship used to be, and how it might be different if you tried again.

If this is too personal a question, please just ignore it, but when you initially broke up with your ex 2.5 years ago, how much time did you spend alone to get over him? Do you feel you ever did fully move on? Your last comments sound like you never fully did. Do you think you could still be in love with him, as well as being in love with your current boyfriend?

Again, please don''t respond if the questions are too personal. They are just me thinking out loud, trying to understand how you might be feeling. I hope I don''t offend you in any way with them.

 

[FrekeChild]

((((((HUGS))))))

It sounds like you're really tormented by these demons. For a long time I held out hope for an ex of mine to come back (literally, we broke up because he moved to California, and a LDR at 16 is nearly impossible), and at a certain point it became moot. That point was when I met FF, and fell head over heels for him. My ex and I remain on friendly terms, and it'd be nice to see him again, but he's not meant for me the way FF is.

What's awful is that I cheated on my longest term ex with him--just a night of reliving being 16 and making out for hours, but still, not one of my proudest moments. I don't regret it, but I regret not breaking up with the second ex faster.

I'm not trying to give you any advice. I'm just trying to let you know that you're not an awful person for wanting two different things, and that someone relates to your story. I've been there.

ETA: I was 16 when we started dating (although I'd known him since 6th grade) and FF and I met 2.5 years ago (OMG I just realized that we totally missed our 1/2 year anniversary! Oh well.) Over seven and a half years is a long time to pine for someone.

It's kind of like one of those things where you compare every boyfriend you have to the one you had, and unless they match up or eclipse him, you continue to have thoughts of him until you find someone that does...

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Wow, JulieN, you seem to have your hands (and heart!) full.

I think everyone has been there at some point or another. I had a GREAT boyfriend when I was in my very early twenties and he was everything a young girl dreams of (an officer in the Air Force, college educated, gorgeous, etc.). And when we broke up, I was wrecked. Not for a few weeks or even some months, but for almost a year! Lost a ton of weight, etc... and then I met someone new and he swept me off my feet in a whirlwind romance, proposed within 4 months, etc...everything was fine except I kept comparing him to Mr. Wonderful and he never measured up. When Mr. Wonderful called to have drinks and I thought nothing of not telling my fiance where I was going or with whom, I had to step back and realize there was a HUGE problem.

I called off my ridiculous wedding and cut the ex completely out of my life. I dated several people over the next four years, but no one serious until my current SO. There is no question that my BF makes me warm just by smiling at me, and when the big part of his hand is on the small part of my back, he sends goosebumps all the way down to my toes. There is no comparing him to any of my ex''s because there is no competition. Hands down, I am in love with the kindest, smartest, most generous and certainly best looking man on the planet. AND HE''S IN LOVE WITH ME!! THAT IS WHY I AM ON THE LIW LIST.

So, back to you, could it be that you are fantasizing your relationship with your ex? Sometimes when we break up, we forget the bad things (that he yelled at you when watching football, or forgot to pick up his dirty socks, or that his mother interfered in everything, etc.) and make the good stuff so much better in our minds. Just my two cents, but I would seriously reconsider your current relationship if you have such strong emotions for your former one.

 

[JulieN]

Gwen,

I''m not sure what you mean by how much time I spent alone to get over him. Last year, we had 8 months of no communication. This year, I guess 10 months. How long after we broke up and I dated again, I guess 1 year. I sort of dated a couple of guys (jerks, both of them, string-me-along types) for the spring and summer of last year, until I met my bf at the end of the summer.
I''m most likely still in love with my ex. But, I think it''s very different than what it was before. Before it was love with hopes and dreams. Now...of course, it is very different.