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FI is upset...

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sumbride

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
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His close friend just told him he doesn''t think they can afford to come to our wedding. They have a lot going on this year... just had a baby, the wife decided to be a SAHM, and the cat came home last night with a broken leg... on top of a mortgage and two cars. I totally understand why they can''t swing airfare, rental car and hotel for our wedding, even if they did have more than a year''s notice. Our wedding isn''t in their top priorities and I respect that... it''s our wedding, not theirs. FI gets this, but he''s devastated. He asked the guy to be an usher rather than a groomsman because of the cost, and the guy was totally thrilled with that, but now that he may not be able to make it at all...

What can I do to help console him on this subject? I don''t want to come off as patronizing by saying "we can''t run their lives." He''s just angry and upset about it right now. When my bridesmaid had $ problems, I gave her a ticket, but FI doesn''t want to do this since they are a couple and very close to our other friends... he thinks it would be awkward. Plus I think he''s just angry that they aren''t making it a priority. The guy is attending M''s bachelor week in Vegas, but he already bought that ticket and hotel room... M would rather have him at the wedding than the B-week but it''s too late to undo that.

This is just another aspect of wedding planning... despite all your best efforts, not everyone can come, and not everyone can afford it... even if you think they should be able to. How have you handled stuff like this?
 
Awww . . . bummer !!!
As much as this stings him, I think there is only one thing to do and that is to accept it and try to move on. It sounds like the friend has good reason to make this decision to not attend and it is likely very hard for him/them to have made this decision. Your FI can only respect their decision and come to terms with it. Sometimes even with the best of intentions, one cannot make a vacation with airfare and hotels and rentals work. Maybe he can focus on making the most out of the time he will have with his friend in Vegas. Good Luck and tell him "chin up" (when he is ready to hear that).
 
Date: 5/8/2007 2:48:23 PM
Author:sumbride
Plus I think he''s just angry that they aren''t making it a priority. The guy is attending M''s bachelor week in Vegas, but he already bought that ticket and hotel room... M would rather have him at the wedding than the B-week but it''s too late to undo that.


This is just another aspect of wedding planning... despite all your best efforts, not everyone can come, and not everyone can afford it... even if you think they should be able to. How have you handled stuff like this?
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I agree w/ your FI here- it''s kinda BS that the guy can make it for a WEEK in Vegas, but can''t make it to the wedding.
There is no real way to console him- you quickly learn that some people don''t make you the priority that you make them.
I was really shocked when my friend bought $500 Jimmy Choo wedding shoes but said that her FI couldn''t afford to come to our wedding (they stayed w/ her parents so no hotel, just flight and w/ plenty of notice would have been affordable flight.) I flew to Vegas for her B-rette- drove 4 hours each way for her shower, and we were both BM for one another- she did not come to my shower, b-rette, etc.
Her wedding was on a Sunday night, w/ a Friday daytime rehearsal so I took off a full day of work, etc. But in the end she and her FI did not make the same sacrifice we made for their wedding- oh and we gave them a GENEROUS check in a nice card @ their wedding and got nothing from them at ours.

I spent 1k on her b-rette weekend- could I have used some of that money on my own wedding stuff- sure, but I didn''t.

Some ppl are selfish- you have to either accept them that way or move on.
 
Oh, I agree too dtnyc! I''m annoyed that they didn''t work it into the budget after telling me they were so excited to be going! He sat next to me at dinner on Saturday and was literally singing with excitement about the trip. And now, Tuesday, he can''t make it. Times are tough, true, but when are times NOT tough? I''m hoping they come to their senses and realize that they have 5 months to come up with the cash and just show up, but still... I''m not holding my breath.
 
It''s funny how people CAN "afford" what they WANT to do ... but all of a sudden CAN''T "afford" less fun things.

I''m not saying your wedding isn''t gonna be fun ... but it''s more formal & obligatory than a hijinks filled week in Vegas, c''mon!

Ya really learn a lot about everyone around you during wedding planning. FI''s & DH''s aren''t exempt. Not much you can do but sympathize ...
 
Yeah, I''d probably rather spend a week in Vegas than go to someone else''s wedding too.... But yeah, it sucks.
 
Date: 5/8/2007 3:58:10 PM
Author: sumbride
Yeah, I''d probably rather spend a week in Vegas than go to someone else''s wedding too....
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You know ... I just realized the week in Vegas is w/o his wife & new baby too ... whereas the wedding would be all full up of them. Further food for thought!
 
I was just going to say what deco said. She always beats me to it! Maybe the wife doesn''t want to come to the wedding? I''m not trying to be mean, just that if the guy can do a week in Vegas, why cant he do the wedding weekend instead? I smell a stubborn wife. In any case, better he spends quality time with your FI than perhaps at the wedding with a sullen wife? You cant do anything about it. Let it go
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Date: 5/8/2007 4:08:30 PM
Author: surfgirl
I was just going to say what deco said. She always beats me to it! Maybe the wife doesn''t want to come to the wedding? I''m not trying to be mean, just that if the guy can do a week in Vegas, why cant he do the wedding weekend instead? I smell a stubborn wife. In any case, better he spends quality time with your FI than perhaps at the wedding with a sullen wife? You cant do anything about it. Let it go
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yeah- but it''s kinda rude of the wife. Did you go to their wedding? send them a gift when the baby was born?

The wife is an idiot if she is OK w/ her husband going to Vegas for a week- gee he won''t spend any money there- vs. weekend for a wedding that she''s invited to???


Some people are just rude and selfish...
 
Babies realign priorities. And some parents (and babies) just aren''t suited to packing up and traveling on planes, staying in hotels. It might be that, in addition to the expense, the wife isn''t that comfortable traveling with the little one and would rather let her husband go stag to a bachelor party than a wedding.

I would try to console your FI that it is a change of life''s priorities kind of thing - suddenly this baby has to be most important, even if FI is important to his friend, but budgetwise and lifestylewise he is adjusting to being a new father.
 
Good points all around!

I suspected a stubborn wife too. She''s been very controlling in the past. Mutual friend says she "desperately wants to go" but her husband is "deeply concerned about debt". I suspect there''s a concern about childcare as well because they were planning on leaving baby with her mother, who has proved to be incapable of handling a grandson since she only raised girls herself. It''s a tough bag. The Vegas trip was all set up well before baby was born and I don''t think it had occurred to him at that point that he needed to tighten up the strings... he''s already bought the airfare and hotel... but he''ll spend a lot more there than he would at the wedding.

FI is still reeling from anger... just sent him a note about what I wanted to do for my birthday next month and he told me "not to bother inviting them because they won''t come". I hope he''s at least simmering quietly to himself.
 
Date: 5/8/2007 4:19:54 PM
Author: dtnyc

yeah- but it''s kinda rude of the wife. Did you go to their wedding? send them a gift when the baby was born?

The wife is an idiot if she is OK w/ her husband going to Vegas for a week- gee he won''t spend any money there- vs. weekend for a wedding that she''s invited to???

Some people are just rude and selfish...
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FI went to their wedding and got them a nice gift. I wasn''t in the picture yet. We did send them two gifts, one for the baby shower, and one when the baby was born. They mentioned how generous we were. We didn''t think anything of it. Now, of course, I do.
 
Date: 5/8/2007 4:26:53 PM
Author: cara
Babies realign priorities. And some parents (and babies) just aren't suited to packing up and traveling on planes, staying in hotels. It might be that, in addition to the expense, the wife isn't that comfortable traveling with the little one and would rather let her husband go stag to a bachelor party than a wedding.

I would try to console your FI that it is a change of life's priorities kind of thing - suddenly this baby has to be most important, even if FI is important to his friend, but budgetwise and lifestylewise he is adjusting to being a new father.
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Absolutely. I don't see anyone being rude and selfish. And the plane ticket for the Vegas trip has been bought (is it a weeklong trip or weekend?) Either way, it's expensive to change a plane ticket, even if he did want to exchange it for the wedding. At least $100 fee to change it and then he would have to pay any fare increase for the new ticket.

People, frankly, can spend their money on what they want. If this was a case where they only had to drive a couple of hours or something like that, I could see getting upset. But plane tickets, hotel and rental car costs are nothing to sneeze at. DH and I are going to my brother's wedding at the beginning of June for two nights and the mininmal cost is close to $700 for just those three things. And believe me, that's not money that we just have lying around right now. Plus, we're getting them a gift, DH has to rent a tux (he's a gm) and we'll have some meals to cover.

Are you having a destination wedding? I take it you live in the same town if you're considering inviting them to your birthday party.
 
Date: 5/8/2007 4:41:20 PM
Author: tanyak

Date: 5/8/2007 4:26:53 PM
Author: cara
Babies realign priorities. And some parents (and babies) just aren''t suited to packing up and traveling on planes, staying in hotels. It might be that, in addition to the expense, the wife isn''t that comfortable traveling with the little one and would rather let her husband go stag to a bachelor party than a wedding.

I would try to console your FI that it is a change of life''s priorities kind of thing - suddenly this baby has to be most important, even if FI is important to his friend, but budgetwise and lifestylewise he is adjusting to being a new father.
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Absolutely. I don''t see anyone being rude and selfish. And the plane ticket for the Vegas trip has been bought (is it a weeklong trip or weekend?) Either way, it''s expensive to change a plane ticket, even if he did want to exchange it for the wedding. At least $100 fee to change it and then he would have to pay any fare increase for the new ticket.

People, frankly, can spend their money on what they want. If this was a case where they only had to drive a couple of hours or something like that, I could see getting upset. But plane tickets, hotel and rental car costs are nothing to sneeze at. DH and I are going to my brother''s wedding at the beginning of June for two nights and the mininmal cost is close to $700 for just those three things. And believe me, that''s not money that we just have lying around right now. Plus, we''re getting them a gift, DH has to rent a tux (he''s a gm) and we''ll have some meals to cover.
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True. It''s Tuesday-Saturday in Vegas, so essentially a week.

I added up what it would cost and it would be about $800 for 2 tickets, car rental and hotel. We told him just to wear a suit that he has to be an usher and I don''t think there would be any extra meals to cover... we''ve got a weekend planned for the out-of-towners... but still... it''s a lot. very true.
 
Date: 5/8/2007 4:26:53 PM
Author: cara
Babies realign priorities. And some parents (and babies) just aren''t suited to packing up and traveling on planes, staying in hotels. It might be that, in addition to the expense, the wife isn''t that comfortable traveling with the little one and would rather let her husband go stag to a bachelor party than a wedding.

I would try to console your FI that it is a change of life''s priorities kind of thing - suddenly this baby has to be most important, even if FI is important to his friend, but budgetwise and lifestylewise he is adjusting to being a new father.
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I agree. Sum, I''m sorry that your FI is upset. I do think that it''s probably just hard to figure out all of the logistics (time away from the baby or bringing the baby, flight, hotel, etc -- everything''s that been mentioned).

I can see where you and your FI are coming from, but it''s so hard to know exactly what your friends are thinking. I''m sure they really want to go but can''t figure out a way to make it work. I think that needs to just be respected (I''m not saying you''re not) and hopefully M. can move on from feeling so upset.

My sister and I have three cousins who we were closer to when we were younger. They didn''t live near us but we saw them whenever our families got together. All three cousins (and their significant others) were invited to my sister''s wedding last August, but the oldest one couldn''t make it. He lives halfway across the country and he has a wife and two little kids. He tried really hard to try to make it work but then my mom told him that it would be really hard to travel so far away with the kids and she (and my sister) totally understood their situation. It would be rather pricey for them and my sister and mom didn''t feel they needed to spend the money in that way. Our cousin felt really bad that he couldn''t attend but my sister knew that his thoughts were with them on their wedding day.
 
Seriously, I don't see how they are being rude or selfish? Maybe I am dense here but 2 or 3 airplane tickets, a room rental for 2 nights, car rental for 2 days are the minimum costs, plus a gift and also packing up and transporting a child is a hassle. Not to mention, if their child care plans have fallen through, who knows what other issues have caused them to change their minds. I would say it awfully judgemntal and premature to blindly accuse them of being selfish and rude. Wedding invitations are exactly that, invitations not requirements. I can fully sympathize that your FI and maybe even you are upset that they cannot attend, but to make a judgement call on their character based on their inability due to budget constraints to attend IMHO is a little harsh.

Is this a destination wedding, because you mentioned inviting them to your birthday party but costs of attending the wedding will be $800 . . . I don't get it?
A year is a good amount of time to save but it is also a good amount of time for other more pressing budget issues to rear its ugly head. I would be cautious about being too overly harsh on their decision but that is just me.

I say focus your FI's energies towards the great bachelor party in Vegas and how his friend will be there to support him. His can't be too controlling . . . she's letting him go to Vegas for a bachelor party?
 
Date: 5/8/2007 5:47:30 PM
Author: hikerchick
Seriously, I don''t see how they are being rude or selfish? Maybe I am dense here but 2 or 3 airplane tickets, a room rental for 2 nights, car rental for 2 days are the minimum costs, plus a gift and also packing up and transporting a child is a hassle. Not to mention, if their child care plans have fallen through, who knows what other issues have caused them to change their minds. I would say it awfully judgemntal and premature to blindly accuse them of being selfish and rude. Wedding invitations are exactly that, invitations not requirements. I can fully sympathize that your FI and maybe even you are upset that they cannot attend, but to make a judgement call on their character based on their inability due to budget constraints to attend IMHO is a little harsh.

Is this a destination wedding, because you mentioned inviting them to your birthday party but costs of attending the wedding will be $800 . . . I don''t get it?
A year is a good amount of time to save but it is also a good amount of time for other more pressing budget issues to rear its ugly head. I would be cautious about being too overly harsh on their decision but that is just me.

I say focus your FI''s energies towards the great bachelor party in Vegas and how his friend will be there to support him. His can''t be too controlling . . . she''s letting him go to Vegas for a bachelor party?
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I''m with Hikerchick on this one. It makes the most sense. I know your fiance is still hurt but when he''s more receptive, I would definitely mention some of these things to him so he can begin to feel better.
 
I don''t think there is much you can do directly a part from listen to his anger etc. Things like this happen, and if they''ve been good friends for a long time then they will work it out between themselves. Just be as supporting as possible. I also think it''s safer not to take any sides, in case they do work it out. I think it''s best to be supportive and neutral (even if you feel that the friend isn''t doing his best, etc., because if he does end up coming then it could get sticky. I don''t think they are being rude or selfish either. There''s two people in that marriage, and they have to do what is best financially for both of them.

Good luck!
 
I''m sorry about the letdown. It''s always sad when a dear friend kind of hits you with the "I can''t afford to make it" thing.

One of my bridesmaids did that, the SUNDAY before our wedding! Made me so grrry!! Luckily, it all worked out well and the woman who sang my song to my husband, who''s also a dear, dear friend, was able to be a bridesmaid, and I really had preferred her, anyway. It was one of those "she''s been my best friend since 5th grade" situations that led me to asking the flakey friend anyway.

The good news is that in the moment of celebrating a union, you get lost in one another, and not so much in recalling everyone who failed to make it to your big day. Looking back, I doubt your hubby will have much sadness regarding the big day!!
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I can just about guarentee it!!!
 
That is really too bad. Your poor FI has every reason to be upset. First, I would give him some time and space to process the information and come to terms with it at his own pace. This may take a few days or even weeks. Just be as nurturing and sensitive as possible. Second, I would definitely keep all your own thoughts as to the "whys" of this situation to yourself. I know we all have a tendency to be protective and loyal, but in this case I think any speculation as to the spouse''s ill will or whatever other factors will only make your FI more upset. Third, when this has blown over a bit maybe think of a few creative ways to invovle this friend of his in your big day. Maybe he can record a video that you can play for your FI on a laptop on your wedding day? Maybe encourage your friend to write a note or card to your FI? That sort of thing.
 
Thanks so much everyone. These are all really good points! I''m home now and he''s still fuming but I''m trying to just be supportive and listen.

The wedding isn''t "destination" in that it''s on a tropical isle, but it is in Texas and we (and our friends) live in Maryland, so it''s a bit of a trek. They were very excited about going to Texas when we planned it to be there, but circumstances have changed.

I will say that I''m worried that FI will be depressed about having it in Texas now... even though he wanted to... because it will be mostly people my parents know and my friends... his family is a lot smaller and now his guest list is shrinking... he''s sensitive about it. It doesn''t mean anything really... it''s all just geographical, but still, it has come up a few times lately and I feel like this is another reason for him to be upset.
 
Date: 5/8/2007 8:53:54 PM
Author: sumbride
Thanks so much everyone. These are all really good points! I''m home now and he''s still fuming but I''m trying to just be supportive and listen.

The wedding isn''t ''destination'' in that it''s on a tropical isle, but it is in Texas and we (and our friends) live in Maryland, so it''s a bit of a trek. They were very excited about going to Texas when we planned it to be there, but circumstances have changed.

I will say that I''m worried that FI will be depressed about having it in Texas now... even though he wanted to... because it will be mostly people my parents know and my friends... his family is a lot smaller and now his guest list is shrinking... he''s sensitive about it. It doesn''t mean anything really... it''s all just geographical, but still, it has come up a few times lately and I feel like this is another reason for him to be upset.
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He is lucky to have a loving and supportive future wife. Kit is right, give him time to calm down, it is still a recent thing and it makes sense that he is hurting still. Also, here is a suggestion. Maybe a post wedding party of sorts with those to your local area who cannot attend might prolong the fun and allow friends to celebrate with you both. Make it a potluck or something casual. It will be fun to celebrate informally afterwards too. This way FI would have something to look forward to in case his side isn''t as well represented in Texas ??? Just a thought.
 
Situations change...and while they might have been able to make it before, perhaps they''re having some financial issues that they dont want to make public so they''re not telling you. I know if we had planned to travel to a wedding right now, we''d be cancelling because of some unexpected job situations that just sprang up so it also might be a very personal financial situation and they may be embarassed to tell you about it. Though it doesn''t excuse the week in Vegas...???
 
Sumbride,

I''m sure your fi is very disappointed. Do you think he will cool off after a day or two? Sometimes disappointment comes through as anger.

Babies do really change things. I can tell you that I would not have wanted to fly from Baltimore to Texas with a young baby when I had my first child. I think that men don''t always think of all of the logistics of something like this. I know that my husband still doesn''t understand how much I do when we travel with our three kids, so I can see where your fi wouldn''t be thinking that way.

Also, a lot has happened in the year that they have known about your wedding. Even if they had saved money to attend, they are now in a different financial situation.

It sounds like you understand all of this. Hopefully he just needs to get over his disappointment and then he will be able to see it more rationally.
 
Just wanted to post the update...

FI has been scouring travel sites looking for airfare deals for all our family and wedding party... he was able to find a flight to a nearby city for just $172/person so this couple BOOKED IT!!!! They are coming!!! He is SO excited! And I imagine he will stop moping now!
 
That''s great news Sumbride!
 
That is great to hear. I''m glad it worked out for your FI!
 
yay! That''s fantastic news!
 
Thanks! It's been exhausting serving as a travel agent, but with these friends, we were so glad we were able to find them a flight they could afford and I'm so glad they've found a way to come!


I'll be referring to this situation later to prove to FI that things CAN work out and he shouldn't rush to judgement!
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That is great news! Glad it worked out!
 
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