Financially dependent on SO before engagement?

[Lauren8211]

Hey Ladies --

Just wondering if any other people here have depended on their SO financially before engagement/marriage? I''m quitting my job in the fall to go back to school full time (I''ll be done by the winter), and he''ll be supporting me and paying all of my bills while I''m doing that. We planned on this so once I''m done with school we can travel a bit before we settle down. We''ve been living together for a year and a half now -- dating for 2 1/2.

Curious if anyone else has done that -- if so, any advice or warnings??

Thanks!

 

[Bia]

Hi Lauren.

I thought this was an interesting post as I, too, am somewhat dependent on my BF. When we were first dating I was a nanny living with the family I worked for. It was a situation that worked well for me, as I would have had a very difficult time being a full-time student and working a regular part-time (forget a 9-5!). Around the time I graduated, I got my own place, but, b/c I wasn't yet making real money, my parents essentially payed for most of it--I wouldn't have been able to do it any other way as NY rents are astronomical! After about 1 year, BF was getting ready to purchase a co-op and when he did, I started spending a lot of time with him. After 6 months or so, BF said he wanted me to move in--back then I still believed in the "no moving in before marriage"--but after a little convincing on his part and consideration on mine, I figured it made sense to stop paying $1300/mo for a one bedroom that I never even slept in--especially one I didn't own! So I did.

Now, fast forward a year and a half, BF is still paying the majority of the bills. I work a regular 9-5 at my university and the pay is fair but the reason it works really great is because they pay for school 100%. However, tuition remission doesn't pay my bills! So because my salary is much less than his, he pays the mortgage, maintenance, utilities and his bills. I pay my car, insurance and phone. Its all I can afford and he doesn't mind because he wants me to save whatever I can. The idea is to purchase an investment property in the next few years for income before we buy the house we want to start a family in.

Sometimes I feel very dependant, and I don't like it. For instance, when we fight--this is why I was so adamant that moving in is SO MUCH DIFFERENT than weekly sleepovers--it is difficult b/c I am very hardheaded and proud and not having my own place to go to drives me crazy! He is wonderful about never making me feel like its his place but the truth of the matter is, it is his place.

I guess that is my own insecurity. He makes me feel good about it by saying that he is investing in my future...which I guess makes sense...two big paychecks are better than one. However, I think, in a way, my BF is more traditional and he doesn't mind being the main breadwinner. And for now, that is okay because I know when I finish grad school, I will get a fantastic job and be able to contribute the way he has for so long.

 

[HollyS]

No. No. No. No.

Let me reiterate. Do NOT be financially dependent on a boyfriend. Even if you have an insignificant part-time job while in school, even if it doesn''t provide much money, stay employed. Have options -- don''t assume you won''t need them. Especially, especially, if you are not engaged.

 

[musey]

FI and I pooled joint money before our engagement. We lived together for about 9 months before getting engaged, and during that time we were finishing up our undergrad and entering the 'real world'.

My chosen career is very unstable, and as I was transitioning into it (and a for awhile earlier this year) I was leaning on FI. I wasn't 'dependent' on him, necessarily, but he was taking care of utility bills and insurance while we split rent and all other expenses (food, entertainment, our dog's expenses).

Earlier this year there was a strike, with NO work to be found, and rather than picking up a side job (not that that isn't the best thing to do, but it would have prevented me from spending time with FI while he was off work AND from being available if work WERE to pop up) I just took a break. I went into full wedding-planning mode and got a lot done on that front. During this time, FI was paying all of my expenses EXCEPT for my half of rent and my personal shopping money.

I have never been 100% dependent on him, he's just picked up the 'tab' on some of my expenses. If I had a normal career, he wouldn't have had any cause to do so, but as he is very supportive of what I am trying to do, he's been happy to help where he can.


Anyway, after all that, I think that it's really important for both of you to be on the same page as far as who is paying for what, and set clear boundaries. I don't think it's fair to assign a blanket "NO" just because you two are not engaged yet, as every relationship is different. In some (probably most) cases, it can be a VERY, VERY BAD idea to do this at all, but only you will know if that's the case for you.

 

[Lauren8211]

I am hoping that my current full time job will allow me to go part time in order to be able to have my own spending money and such. I guess I should clarify that I''d probably be working 20 or so hours per week -- with him picking up the tab on rent and utilities. I will have at least some sort of income.

It''s not a possible break up that I''m worried about -- it''s more just what types of problems could arise from the situation, tensions, arguments, etc. I don''t know if I''d be able to let him pay for EVERYTHING. I''d just feel bad about myself!

Thanks for your input ladies.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

No. Never.

I have always been financially independent and I would never feel comfortable having things any other way. Even when I was going to school full time, I was working on the side and took out student loans structured to give me enough to supplement my living expenses. It took me a little longer to finish my schooling but maintaining my independence was completely worth it.

Even once I am married I will never completely surrender my financial independence. I like having a savings account that I always keep enough in just to make sure I could get my own apartment if I needed to. A lot of people think having a “just in case” nest egg is indicative of a flaw in my relationship with my SO. I beg to differ. I think it’s called being smart. I would never feel okay being dependent on another person for anything I could provide for myself.

We split every living expense 50/50. As long as he pays his share of the mortgage and utilities, I could care less what he does with his money and he feels the same about my money. I enjoy this arrangement because I don’t feel I have to explain any luxury purchases like a $150 pair of running shoes or the Wii Fit I just pre-ordered.

Now, I am not saying the following scenario would ever happen, as I know my SO is aware of what a driven/independent spirit I have BUT I’d never want him to resent me because he is the one working all the time. I guess for me personally, I don’t want to feel like I “owe” anyone anything.

 

[rockzilla]

You''ve asked the question, and, I would say, emphatically, NO.

Being financially dependant on someone you do not have a lifelong committment to is a recipie for disaster. You are a full time student, that''s fine, but why not stay financially independant until you are married, or at least engaged? If it is only six months or a year, why not take out low-interest student loans to support yourself for this time? Then, if you get married, you can pay the loans back together (and you can always pay them back early!) He can put the money he would have used to "support you" to beef up his savings, which could be used to pay down the loans after marriage if desired.

There is really something to be said for, "I''m paying my way for this." For feeling you are your own person and can make the choices you''ve made based on yourself, not on someone else paying your way.

Ever watch Judge Judy? Couples move in, one pays for the other, they break up - "oh this was a gift" "no, it was a loan" blah blah bicker bicker. Once someone is supporting you financially, there is a power dynamic shift there. It''s like when the parents are paying for the wedding vs. the couple - there will always be a sense of the veto power by the person paying the bills (whether it is exercised or not). Will the person not working be expecting to pick up more of the household chore slack? Will your monthly $10 pedicure (or whatever - everyone has some frivolous indulgance, even if its just a $1 chocolate bar) come under scrutiny because "someone else" is paying for it?

Once you are married, you are truly "in it together" legally (and spiritually, if those are your beliefs) and you can make decisions based on what is best for your "family unit" - but before then, you really have to think about what is best for yourself, particularly if the relationship ends, or one person is not willing to make the committment.

There was a recent poster on here who was blindsided when her live-in BF, who she was expecting a proposal from in the near future, blindsided her with "I actually don''t love you anymore" (NOT saying this would happen to you...but it is an example). She had to move out, restart her life, and luckily she had her parents there to support her financially. But other people may not be so lucky...how would you feel to HAVE to live with someone you didn''t want to, just because you were financially dependant on them? How would it feel to be "indebted" to someone for paying your way, and thus feel like you couldn''t necessarily make the choices that were best for you?

Sorry, long rant. I got through college on a combination of awesome grants, reasonable student loans, and a parental contribution of ~$500 a month to my tuition. It was what they could pay, but I always knew that, if I had to, I could take care of myself. That is what counts!

 

[Rhea]

You know your relationship better than any of us. Go with what you really think.

 

[CNOS128]

Not that I''ve got firsthand experience with this - but I think it really depends on your significant other & how both of you see the future, and where you are in your relationship.
I''m moving in w/ BF in a couple weeks - I''m a student and he''s not, so he''ll basically be paying most of the rent (although I have a full scholarship so my student loans cover my part of the rent, essentially). But when I asked him how he wanted to split up the bills, he told me he hadn''t really thought about it because as far as he was concerned it''s all the same money from now on.
Actually, until I read your post and went to respond, I didn''t think about it as being financially dependent on him (even though I couldn''t afford my own place, even with loans), because of how sure he is that we''re going to marry. For most of our relationship, he''s paid for my stuff when I don''t have my wallet, and he''s never asked to be paid back, for the same reason as above.


Of course, if we were to break up, I''d have to rely on my parents or brother to help me live (which they''re able to do, and probably willing). Maybe it''s a good idea to at least have a backup plan? Good luck!

 

[anchor31]

I haven''t done it (we didn''t move in together before we were engaged and even then, I always paid my half of the bills), and I wouldn''t do it either. I wasn''t comfortable with moving in with an SO before at least engagement, so I guess it''s not too surprising.

You can go to full-time school and pay your own bills. I''ve been doing it for 3½ years. It''s hard, but you can do it.

 

[vslover]

By agreement, DH has been the sole breadwinner since we got engaged (I didn''t work before that either...but he wasn''t supporting me)and we haven''t had any money issues. I would NOT have allowed myself to be supported by him prior to that. We had a short engagement (6 months) so we knew marriage was imminent.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/2/2008 1:28:07 PM
Author: TheBigT
Not that I''ve got firsthand experience with this - but I think it really depends on your significant other & how both of you see the future, and where you are in your relationship.
I''m moving in w/ BF in a couple weeks - I''m a student and he''s not, so he''ll basically be paying most of the rent (although I have a full scholarship so my student loans cover my part of the rent, essentially). But when I asked him how he wanted to split up the bills, he told me he hadn''t really thought about it because as far as he was concerned it''s all the same money from now on.
Actually, until I read your post and went to respond, I didn''t think about it as being financially dependent on him (even though I couldn''t afford my own place, even with loans), because of how sure he is that we''re going to marry. For most of our relationship, he''s paid for my stuff when I don''t have my wallet, and he''s never asked to be paid back, for the same reason as above.


Of course, if we were to break up, I''d have to rely on my parents or brother to help me live (which they''re able to do, and probably willing). Maybe it''s a good idea to at least have a backup plan? Good luck!

It sounds like you and I are in the same boat!

The only time its a problem is when we fight and I want to leave I am so ticked off! But I also see it as, in a sense, his money is my money and visa versa...even though I don''t have much right now--I always contribute however I can. But, if you''re a realist, practical about everything, which I am, it could be dangerous not to have enough money to do what you need to do in a crisis. Luckilly, I do have my own accounts and savings (thank God) and I have my parents and my brother, who at the drop of a hat, would help me however they needed to. So...I don''t know. It''s hard to say. I guess according to most of you ladies, I am dependent?

Yuck, I don''t like that!

 

[Lauren8211]

Wow -- a lot of you feel very strongly about this!

I guess a big reason why I was doing it is because I know we''re in it for the long haul, it''s just that if I continue to work full time and go to school (which is what I have been doing), it''s going to take 2-3x as long to finish my degree. If he helps me out (i''ll still work part time!), then I''m done in a year, and we can move on with our lives.

We''ve talked about it, and he pretty much feels that it''s an investment in OUR future -- not just mine. We''re comfortable with it because we know we''ll be together. An engagement really isn''t any more permanent than a marraige, and his word means more to me than a ring, so to me the fact that he has given me his word is enough. (Writing certainly helps me get my thoughts straight!)

I definitely have my parents to help me out if i wanted to-- they even already offered to pay my rent, so hopefully I can get by on as little money from the BF as possible. I guess I should milk my parents before I start depending on the boyfriend, and keep at least a part time job.

Thanks for some perspective -- while I think maybe I''ll still depend on him a little -- I''ll try and keep some independence, too.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/2/2008 11:42:29 AM
Author: HollyS
No. No. No. No.


Let me reiterate. Do NOT be financially dependent on a boyfriend. Even if you have an insignificant part-time job while in school, even if it doesn't provide much money, stay employed. Have options -- don't assume you won't need them. Especially, especially, if you are not engaged.

See, this is how I feel myself, but because of my situation, if I'm not dependent on J while I get my full-time work visa to teach here in England, I'll have to go back to the US without him and work there because I'm not ready to get married (the only way he could come to the US with me). It makes me sick to my stomach to think of not being financially independent (for the first time since I started college, since I put myself through)--literally, it has made me sick. I went to the doctor today and she thinks my nausea and stomach problems are from stress. But it's either be temporarily dependent upon him, or go back to living 3000+ miles apart. If he was already financially secure and settled and with a decent job, I wouldn't be half as worried, but he isn't. We're both making these huge life changes at the same time, and it really, really sucks.

Sorry, I realize this probably isn't really what the OP had in mind.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/2/2008 12:46:41 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21


No. Never.

I have always been financially independent and I would never feel comfortable having things any other way. Even when I was going to school full time, I was working on the side and took out student loans structured to give me enough to supplement my living expenses. It took me a little longer to finish my schooling but maintaining my independence was completely worth it.

Even once I am married I will never completely surrender my financial independence. I like having a savings account that I always keep enough in just to make sure I could get my own apartment if I needed to. A lot of people think having a “just in case” nest egg is indicative of a flaw in my relationship with my SO. I beg to differ. I think it’s called being smart. I would never feel okay being dependent on another person for anything I could provide for myself.

We split every living expense 50/50. As long as he pays his share of the mortgage and utilities, I could care less what he does with his money and he feels the same about my money. I enjoy this arrangement because I don’t feel I have to explain any luxury purchases like a $150 pair of running shoes or the Wii Fit I just pre-ordered.

Now, I am not saying the following scenario would ever happen, as I know my SO is aware of what a driven/independent spirit I have BUT I’d never want him to resent me because he is the one working all the time. I guess for me personally, I don’t want to feel like I “owe” anyone anything.

I'm the same way and to be completley and utterly honest, I don't think I've made the transition between "living together" and "being married" when it comes to financial matters because I still hold onto paying 50% for everything no matter what--even though rationally all the money we save is "ours" so who pays the bills doesn't even matter. Mentally, I can't let go. I don't know if I ever will.

I think that for those people who moved in together and created a financial relationship that was akin to being married, the transition is easier. So while I would never suggest any adult being financially dependent on another, I DO think it's a good idea to discuss how what the financial relationship will be like after marriage (if you are living together)--that way you can start to think about finances as a couple IN ADDITION TO individual finances. I know in my case, my big, fat ego about always paying half is driving my husband nuts--apparently I get my self-worth from my ability to contribute.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/2/2008 2:14:00 PM
Author: Lauren8211
Wow -- a lot of you feel very strongly about this!

I guess a big reason why I was doing it is because I know we''re in it for the long haul, it''s just that if I continue to work full time and go to school (which is what I have been doing), it''s going to take 2-3x as long to finish my degree. If he helps me out (i''ll still work part time!), then I''m done in a year, and we can move on with our lives.

We''ve talked about it, and he pretty much feels that it''s an investment in OUR future -- not just mine. We''re comfortable with it because we know we''ll be together. An engagement really isn''t any more permanent than a marraige, and his word means more to me than a ring, so to me the fact that he has given me his word is enough. (Writing certainly helps me get my thoughts straight!)

I definitely have my parents to help me out if i wanted to-- they even already offered to pay my rent, so hopefully I can get by on as little money from the BF as possible. I guess I should milk my parents before I start depending on the boyfriend, and keep at least a part time job.

Thanks for some perspective -- while I think maybe I''ll still depend on him a little -- I''ll try and keep some independence, too.

I meant an engagement isnt any more permanent than just dating! Not than marriage! lol

 

[CrookedRock]

I have lived with my bf for almost 2 years now and before that we lived together for another 8 month stint. He pays all the bills regarding the houses, the boat, and any traveling we do. I pay my own bills as far as my car, insurance, health insurance, etc... I don''t see this as financially dependent upon him bc I have a savings and can go when I please, I just don''t want to. But the truth is that he has always been the breadwinner (by far and away) and he always will be.
I recently took a few months off from working bc I needed a break and he gave me money in order to pay my bills and whatnot so that I didn''t have to take from savings.
I think it is another one of those questions that has to be dealt with case by case. For us we know we were in it for the long haul and I didn''t have a problem moving in or letting him take care of the expenses. I feel that so long as you have the ability to pull from savings or a part time silly job then you should have nothing to worry about. Follow your heart, we all have to live and learn... I know I did the first time around!!

 

[cutiegirl84]

Date: 5/2/2008 12:46:41 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

No. Never.

I have always been financially independent and I would never feel comfortable having things any other way. Even when I was going to school full time, I was working on the side and took out student loans structured to give me enough to supplement my living expenses. It took me a little longer to finish my schooling but maintaining my independence was completely worth it.

Even once I am married I will never completely surrender my financial independence. I like having a savings account that I always keep enough in just to make sure I could get my own apartment if I needed to. A lot of people think having a “just in case” nest egg is indicative of a flaw in my relationship with my SO. I beg to differ. I think it’s called being smart. I would never feel okay being dependent on another person for anything I could provide for myself.

We split every living expense 50/50. As long as he pays his share of the mortgage and utilities, I could care less what he does with his money and he feels the same about my money. I enjoy this arrangement because I don’t feel I have to explain any luxury purchases like a $150 pair of running shoes or the Wii Fit I just pre-ordered.

Now, I am not saying the following scenario would ever happen, as I know my SO is aware of what a driven/independent spirit I have BUT I’d never want him to resent me because he is the one working all the time. I guess for me personally, I don’t want to feel like I “owe” anyone anything.

I agree 100%. The reality is as much as anyone is certain that you will end up married eventually, you are not married now. and being married gives you rights that you don''t have if you are just living together, even though you "feel" married already. I know me and my BF will get married in a few years but I still keep my $ separated and we split everything 50/50. Just because you never know what is going to happen, and you don''t want to be stuck having to stay there.

But if you must be financially dependent, at least keep things titled jointly so if push came to shove you had some proof that not everything is his alone just because he paid for it. Like the lease/home, etc. I don''t personally feel comfortable being financially dependent on my BF because I''m a control freak, but in the end you have to do what you feel comfortable with, just know the possible consequences of your decisions.


im pretty sure lawschool has made me supercynical about life so I''ll add that in there as a disclaimer to my craziness.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/2/2008 2:46:48 PM
Author: Lauren8211

Date: 5/2/2008 2:14:00 PM
Author: Lauren8211
An engagement really isn't any more permanent than a marraige

I meant an engagement isnt any more permanent than just dating! Not than marriage! lol

Well, I happen to strongly disagree. It's probably a matter of personal opinion and how you approach dating/engagement/marriage, as well as an issue of the specific case--maybe your engagement won't be any more "permanent"--I assume you mean any more of a commitment? as opposed to an issue of permanency?--than your dating period.

It's sort of a sliding scale, though. I was more committed to our relationship after dating 3 years than after 1, and certainly more post-proposal than pre-.


I think that the important distinction everyone is trying to make is that you are guaranteed certain legal rights once you enter into a marriage that will protect your situation, and you don't have that system on your side before that point. Beyond that, the distinction between an engagement vs. dating or vs. marriage is just a personal outlook, I think...

 

[Rhea]

Date: 5/2/2008 2:14:00 PM
Author: Lauren8211

I guess a big reason why I was doing it is because I know we''re in it for the long haul


We''ve talked about it, and he pretty much feels that it''s an investment in OUR future -- not just mine.

I think this is what matters.

Marriage is not a guarantee either. Someone could always walk after marriage. All through out our dating and marriage one of us has had to depend on the other. I moved to England on a visa to be with my now DH. That takes trust (and dependence financially). Had he pulled out of the deal I''d be without a job, home, or much of anything actually. Even though we''re married, if he left now I''d be asked to leave the place I''ve made home for the last couple of years because of my visa type.

I have some pretty big problems with money and dependence that I think have hurt our relationship. I don''t want to have to rely on anyone for anything. While this can be good in some ways and in certain places in any relationship it gets to a point where, IMO, you have to act as a team and stop playing the game tit for tat. For us, that wasn''t marriage and couldn''t be with our relationship still intact.

If your relationship works to the point where it''s best for you to finish school quicker for you own good and your relationship good, why not? If you break up it sounds as though you still have a plan, parents who would help you out, finish school more slowly, and work more hours.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/2/2008 3:40:49 PM
Author: cutiegirl84
<

I agree 100%. The reality is as much as anyone is certain that you will end up married eventually, you are not married now. and being married gives you rights that you don''t have if you are just living together, even though you ''feel'' married already. I know me and my BF will get married in a few years but I still keep my $ separated and we split everything 50/50. Just because you never know what is going to happen, and you don''t want to be stuck having to stay there.


But if you must be financially dependent, at least keep things titled jointly so if push came to shove you had some proof that not everything is his alone just because he paid for it. Like the lease/home, etc. I don''t personally feel comfortable being financially dependent on my BF because I''m a control freak, but in the end you have to do what you feel comfortable with, just know the possible consequences of your decisions.



im pretty sure lawschool has made me supercynical about life so I''ll add that in there as a disclaimer to my craziness.

Am I just being naive? I feel like someone can be basically financially dependent on another person without giving up financial independence completely. What I mean is, when BF and I live together, we''re going to keep our accounts separate. My finances won''t be intertwined with his at all other than our lease. It''s just that he''ll be footing more of the bills.
And leases in NY are really easy to break; both of us have done so without penalty, and with the return of our security deposits.

I feel like he''s almost at more of a financial risk this way.

Am I wrong? What am I missing?

 

[Rhea]

Date: 5/2/2008 5:14:24 PM
Author: TheBigT

I feel like he''s almost at more of a financial risk this way.


Am I wrong? What am I missing?

I have to agree in several ways. He would be supporting her to get a higher degree. If they stay together, both benefit. If not, he''s put a ton of money, time, energy, and effort and getting no benefit of a higher income from the degree (or whatever the purpose of the degree is). Splitting hurts both parties and he has just as much to lose as her and possibly more if I''m understanding the set-up correctly.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 5/2/2008 9:50:42 AM
Author:Lauren8211
Hey Ladies --

Just wondering if any other people here have depended on their SO financially before engagement/marriage? I''m quitting my job in the fall to go back to school full time (I''ll be done by the winter), and he''ll be supporting me and paying all of my bills while I''m doing that. We planned on this so once I''m done with school we can travel a bit before we settle down. We''ve been living together for a year and a half now -- dating for 2 1/2.

Curious if anyone else has done that -- if so, any advice or warnings??

Thanks!

It''s great that he is willing to support you no strings attached. The only downside is that since he will support you through school, he will have a legal claim to your future earnings. If you split up, he can ask for a cut of your future salary. How likely is he to do that? Only time can tell.

 

[Rhea]

Really? So I was the bread winner while DH finished his computer science degree but I put myself through my degree. If we split up I''m entitled to my earnings, and potentially a percentage of his? Too bad we''re planning to even it out again when I go back for a master''s in a couple of years

Does this depend on state laws as well?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hm, I''ll give you my answer. Here''s my situation: I am a full-time student and don''t have a job during the school year, but I am supported by a combo of loans, parents, and lastly FI. We take turns buying groceries and I pay half the bills and he pays half the bills. We both pay our own rent however. We are getting married about a month after I graduate. I will then be completely dependent on him if I am going to law school.

So, would I be completely dependent on him before engagement? No. It does depend on how you personally see engagement. To me it was another step in commitment. And even during engagement I am not completely dependent on him. Honestly, I don''t really want to ever be completely dependent on anyone once I graduate from college, but I am going to make an exception for law school. I''d like to be a stay-at-home-Mom someday, but I plan to work or do something part-time. But that''s just how I see things, you may feel differently. You have been together for a while, so you''re probably both really serious about the relationship. Just make sure you have a back-up plan.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 5/2/2008 5:46:02 PM
Author: Addy
Really? So I was the bread winner while DH finished his computer science degree but I put myself through my degree. If we split up I''m entitled to my earnings, and potentially a percentage of his? Too bad we''re planning to even it out again when I go back for a master''s in a couple of years

Does this depend on state laws as well?

Don''t know if it depends on state law or not. It was put in place because a lot of times the person who supported their spouse/SO thru law/med school was left with nothing while the newly minted degree-holder moved on to a high salary job and a new relationship. So I would think it''s standard across the country.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/2/2008 5:38:01 PM
Author: baby monster


It''s great that he is willing to support you no strings attached. The only downside is that since he will support you through school, he will have a legal claim to your future earnings. If you split up, he can ask for a cut of your future salary. How likely is he to do that? Only time can tell.

I''m not sure that''s still true if he pays for your schooling before you''re married. That might be considered a gift.

 

[MoonWater]

I think in the end only you really know your relationship. With us, it was me that was the "breadwinner" because FI had a crappy job he hated and it was driving him absolutely insane. On top of that he is in grad school and if he had continued working it would take him 2 or more years to finish a degree that only took a little over a year to complete going full-time. So I pretty much demanded that he quit and take up a flexible part time job. Additionally, there was a great opportunity available to him in the form of a paid internship that he would not have been able to do had he kept that job (he applied a little while ago and just received word that he got it!!) After months of me saying, QUIT QUIT QUIT. He finally felt secure enough to do it. We knew we were getting married and I was looking into the future when making the decision. The sooner he finishes school, the sooner he has the job he wants and enjoys, the happier he will be, thus the happier I will be. I don't think you should stretch school out forever if you don't have to, esp if not having that degree is preventing you from getting a possible dream job.

Incidentally, at FI's part time job, he makes more money per hour than I DO!! LOL. I joked that I would quit and do his job. The great thing is the flexibility, he basically gets to make his own schedule and focus on earning straight As! Now, we've been together for 5 years, so maybe part of that is a factor. He has been the beneficiary on all of my insurance/401k stuff for the last 3 years and I am on his. Plus, early on in our relationship I wasn't doing well financially and he did a great job taking care of me. I trust him, he trusts me. Even if we had broken up, neither of us are the type to screw the other person so everything is fine.

ETA: The fact that you will be done in one semester (did I read that correctly? Start in Fall, done by Winter), makes it seem worth it in my eyes. But again, only you know your guy and your relationship. If I were in your shoes, with my guy, I wouldn't hesitate to do it.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 5/3/2008 2:01:38 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 5/2/2008 5:38:01 PM
Author: baby monster


It''s great that he is willing to support you no strings attached. The only downside is that since he will support you through school, he will have a legal claim to your future earnings. If you split up, he can ask for a cut of your future salary. How likely is he to do that? Only time can tell.

I''m not sure that''s still true if he pays for your schooling before you''re married. That might be considered a gift.

Anything is possible with a good lawyer. These types of claims have been made when gay relationships fell apart, so it may not depend on whether the couple is married.

 

[vslover]

Date: 5/2/2008 5:46:02 PM
Author: Addy
Really? So I was the bread winner while DH finished his computer science degree but I put myself through my degree. If we split up I''m entitled to my earnings, and potentially a percentage of his? Too bad we''re planning to even it out again when I go back for a master''s in a couple of years

Does this depend on state laws as well?

This situation is more or less what alimony was/is intended for, but alimony is NOT granted very often. And you''d have to, generally, be married a long time for it to even count.