Financially dependent on SO before engagement?

[icekid]

I agree that this depends on the relationship. Personally, my husband did support me before we were engaged or married. He moved with me when I started med school ($$$$) and it didn''t make sense for me to take out MORE loans so that I could pay half of our bills. However, he certainly was not paying my $40,000+ tuition bill. He will be paid back over and over though, since I''ll likely end up making more money

I do think it''s important to have clear intentions about the future before entering this type of arrangement though. For me, my then boyfriend left his friends and family and moved to be with me here in Philadelphia. It was clear to both of us at that time that we would get married eventually and it had been discussed. We got engaged about a year after he moved, married a year and a half after that. Hasn''t caused any issues for us, but my hub is pretty laid back in all respects, money included.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 5/3/2008 2:01:38 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 5/2/2008 5:38:01 PM

Author: baby monster



It''s great that he is willing to support you no strings attached. The only downside is that since he will support you through school, he will have a legal claim to your future earnings. If you split up, he can ask for a cut of your future salary. How likely is he to do that? Only time can tell.

I''m not sure that''s still true if he pays for your schooling before you''re married. That might be considered a gift.

It completely depends on jurisdiction -- states are all over the board on these issues. If you decide to do this, I''d seriously recommend consulting a lawyer in your area and setting up some sort of contract to protect each of you in the event of some unfortunate event.

My FI pays for a lot, but he doesn''t actually support me. If it weren''t for him, I''d go out to eat less and have fewer nice things, but even though I''m living on student loans I''m still able to pay my fair share. This year, I maintained my own residence, but even though I''m moving in with him in a couple months I''m still taking out loans so that I''m able to pay my half. I don''t like coming into the marriage with lots of debt, but me and my schooling aren''t technically his problem until we''re married, so I need the peace of mind of having my own source of funds (even though I have to pay it back eventually). After we get married, I''ll probably take half the amount of loans because I won''t mind him paying for all the living expenses so much, but I don''t want to have to ask him for an allowance. And after I graduate and get a job, we plan on either living on my salary and using his for savings/fun stuff, or mostly doing that but letting me keep some of "my money" but him chipping in far less than he does now (still need to work out details).

I don''t know if it''s because I''m independent-minded and feminist, but the thought of being dependent on FI really bothers me. I need to know that I can make it on my own, even if I don''t have to. Some of my friends have no problem whatsoever with it, and that works for their situations. It''s a hard decision, and it will come out differently for each person, but I think it''s a really REALLY good idea to think it over completely, and to legally protect yourself regardless of what you decide.

 

[CalBearsFan]

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with depending on your SO.

My boyfriend and I started dating while we were in college. After graduation, we moved in together. He got a nice paying job and I started law school. He pays for pretty much everything but I do chip in. It was our joint decision to do it this way. If I wasn''t living with him, he''d be paying more for a place of his own and I would have to take out more student loans and I''d be coming in our marriage thousands of dollars in debt. I understand that legally the debt is solely mine even after we marry, but that debt will only hold us back later on and keep us from buying a house etc.

It''s worth it for us to have a little inequality right now so that we can both have a better future.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

I think to each their own, but when education comes into play: be forewarned:

My FMIL knew a doctor who met his wife while he was in medical school. She was a nurse and worked full time, extra hours etc to put him through medical school, and although she didn''t pay his tuition, she paid all of his living expenses during his stay in medical school. They did wind up married and many years later got divorced. In the divorce settlement it was somehow deemed that because she paid for his living expenses and worked hard to help him get his medical degree, it was technically half hers. So he was to pay her half of any income he made off of that degree. As a result, he quit practicing medicine to avoid paying her alimony. Obviously not a very civil divorce, but a fair warning to those of us attaining an educational degree.

Depend on your SO/fiancee/husband all you want, as you see fit in your own relationship. But personally, I''m not willing to until after I''ve finished with my education.

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO and I see this issue a bit differently. He is more ok with the idea of supporting each other financially before marriage, whereas I am less comfortable with it.

I should note that he actually supported his (evil, and I''m not saying that because I''m biased) ex while she was in school and they were living together... so it''s almost somewhat surprising to me that he''d be willing to do it again! She is just not a very nice person and it wasn''t the most amicable breakup. She left him right after she graduated. I would feel very used, in that position (again, there''s more to her being crappy than that). I think something like that would turn me off of the idea altogether.

I think part of it just has to do with how I was raised. My parents were very into the idea of making sure I went to university, obtained a well paying job, had a good career path planned out, knew I could do/be anything I wanted, etc. Helping me create a comfortable and independent life was a key priority for them. And so, the importance of supporting myself has been ingrained in me pretty deeply. To be honest, even SAH with kids later on may be a bit of a struggle for me in the beginning. Although it''s what I want due to some of my other, non-financial values, it''ll be weird for me to depend on him.

Now, I''m actually toying with the idea of going back to school at some point. It''s hard for me to really ''grasp'' that it IS ok to be supported by your SO, in some situations. It''s just never been something that I considered as an option. I honestly think I''d feel a bit guilty, even though he would obviously be agreeing to the situation if we did it. But maybe that''s something I could get past if we were more financially comfortable. It wouldn''t really be feasible right now as it is.