Fine Line Between Flirting and Being Friendly

[AmeliaG]

My line not to be crossed: yoga with an opposite sex partner. I've heard that men and women can do intensely physical yoga routines together and not feel a physical attraction but after knowing of three couples that broke up because one of them decided they liked their yoga partner more, that's on my unacceptable list.

For sure. Also, look how many actors "fall in love" with each other during the making of a film. They are close to each other for long periods of time and well, it's just tempting fate. Actors can be less stable in their personal relationships than "ordinary" folk but the conditions they work under for long periods of time in close proximity well I can see how it might happen. Physical attraction can be a strong draw. Add to that the emotional undercurrents of the role and the working conditions and perhaps not seeing each others SO for long periods of time and recipe for disaster. Not saying it happens most of the time but I can see how it can happen some of the time.

Exactly! That's what an old acting teacher said.

You can blame that on method acting. The actors are trained to use their physical sensations to remind them of real life experiences. It makes their acting more believable because in the moment they believe it.

So if you're kissing your hot co-star and you've been trained to associate that to a real kiss with your spouse or SO, then the risk is your movie kiss becomes as real to you as kissing your own spouse. A slippery slope indeed!

 

[AmeliaG]

LOL, no, he's not but he is a very positive person who sees the best in everyone. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and thinks most people have the best intentions. He is very generous and warm. And while that is a good trait it can also be a bad one. .

You know, missy, I refuse to feel sorry for you.You got a great guy! There are worse things than a husband who sees the best in people. Now, as long as he doesn't send his bank account info to scam emails from Nigeria or let an inappropriate correspondence put his job or both of your reputations on the line, I think you two will do just fine!

 

[princesss]

I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge flirt, and so is SO. It's just how we interact with the world most of the time. He and his friends will go chat up a group of girls at the bar, and he's flirty, but he always ends up bringing me up, and I'll go out and flirt with people, but I'll also make sure to mention my boyfriend pretty early on. If they want to stay and chat/flirt, great! More fun for me! But if they're looking to get laid, it gives them a way to exit the conversation and look for somebody they can take home.

As far as where the line is, for me it's as simple as whether or not the situation would make C feel uncomfortable. So anything I would worry about telling him or him seeing (not that he's here, but you know what I mean), I don't do. (Though he actually just about never gets jealous, and will - and has! - laughed when I tell him stories of guys persistently trying to get in my pants, and encouraged me to move in with a guy I used to have a huge crush on.) And I would ask him (not that it's come to this, there's nobody I'm worried about) to think about whether he or the girl he's flirting with would be comfortable interacting exactly the same way when I'm around as they do when I'm not. Take his housemate, N, for example. They're really close and very affectionate. He thinks of her as his little sister. But their friendship also involves things like her coming home after being away for a week, running and jumping on him while he gives her butt a squeeze (which he actually rather hilariously asked permission to do while we were video chatting and she was hugging him with her legs wrapped around his waist - she had jumped on him and he turned to the camera and said, "Baby, may I squeeze her ass?" and I told him to go ahead and laughed while she squealed). But I don't ever want to give him a moment of doubt about how seriously I take our relationship, and he knows that while I can get a little jealous sometimes, I trust him to put us first. If either of us started to doubt that, we'd have to have a talk and figure out where to move the line so we were comfortable again.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge flirt, and so is SO. It's just how we interact with the world most of the time. He and his friends will go chat up a group of girls at the bar, and he's flirty, but he always ends up bringing me up, and I'll go out and flirt with people, but I'll also make sure to mention my boyfriend pretty early on. If they want to stay and chat/flirt, great! More fun for me! But if they're looking to get laid, it gives them a way to exit the conversation and look for somebody they can take home.

As far as where the line is, for me it's as simple as whether or not the situation would make C feel uncomfortable. So anything I would worry about telling him or him seeing (not that he's here, but you know what I mean), I don't do. (Though he actually just about never gets jealous, and will - and has! - laughed when I tell him stories of guys persistently trying to get in my pants, and encouraged me to move in with a guy I used to have a huge crush on.) And I would ask him (not that it's come to this, there's nobody I'm worried about) to think about whether he or the girl he's flirting with would be comfortable interacting exactly the same way when I'm around as they do when I'm not. Take his housemate, N, for example. They're really close and very affectionate. He thinks of her as his little sister. But their friendship also involves things like her coming home after being away for a week, running and jumping on him while he gives her butt a squeeze (which he actually rather hilariously asked permission to do while we were video chatting and she was hugging him with her legs wrapped around his waist - she had jumped on him and he turned to the camera and said, "Baby, may I squeeze her a$$?" and I told him to go ahead and laughed while she squealed). But I don't ever want to give him a moment of doubt about how seriously I take our relationship, and he knows that while I can get a little jealous sometimes, I trust him to put us first. If either of us started to doubt that, we'd have to have a talk and figure out where to move the line so we were comfortable again.

To each his/her own, but that would never fly with me.

 

[princesss]

I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge flirt, and so is SO. It's just how we interact with the world most of the time. He and his friends will go chat up a group of girls at the bar, and he's flirty, but he always ends up bringing me up, and I'll go out and flirt with people, but I'll also make sure to mention my boyfriend pretty early on. If they want to stay and chat/flirt, great! More fun for me! But if they're looking to get laid, it gives them a way to exit the conversation and look for somebody they can take home.

As far as where the line is, for me it's as simple as whether or not the situation would make C feel uncomfortable. So anything I would worry about telling him or him seeing (not that he's here, but you know what I mean), I don't do. (Though he actually just about never gets jealous, and will - and has! - laughed when I tell him stories of guys persistently trying to get in my pants, and encouraged me to move in with a guy I used to have a huge crush on.) And I would ask him (not that it's come to this, there's nobody I'm worried about) to think about whether he or the girl he's flirting with would be comfortable interacting exactly the same way when I'm around as they do when I'm not. Take his housemate, N, for example. They're really close and very affectionate. He thinks of her as his little sister. But their friendship also involves things like her coming home after being away for a week, running and jumping on him while he gives her butt a squeeze (which he actually rather hilariously asked permission to do while we were video chatting and she was hugging him with her legs wrapped around his waist - she had jumped on him and he turned to the camera and said, "Baby, may I squeeze her a$$?" and I told him to go ahead and laughed while she squealed). But I don't ever want to give him a moment of doubt about how seriously I take our relationship, and he knows that while I can get a little jealous sometimes, I trust him to put us first. If either of us started to doubt that, we'd have to have a talk and figure out where to move the line so we were comfortable again.

To each his/her own, but that would never fly with me.

Yeah, I know a lot of people that feel that way, but I've met her and I know how excited she was when we got together as well as how dedicated she is to her boyfriend. Maybe if I didn't have all of that as background it might have raised an eyebrow, but even then...they lived together for a year or two before we met. If they wanted to be together, they'd have gotten together. And there may be a time when that doesn't fly, or somebody else that gives me the heebie jeebies where I wouldn't be okay with it, but with N? Couldn't care less.

 

[AmeliaG]

LOL, no, he's not but he is a very positive person who sees the best in everyone. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and thinks most people have the best intentions. He is very generous and warm. And while that is a good trait it can also be a bad one. .

You know, missy, I refuse to feel sorry for you.You got a great guy! There are worse things than a husband who sees the best in people. Now, as long as he doesn't send his bank account info to scam emails from Nigeria or let an inappropriate correspondence put his job or both of your reputations on the line, I think you two will do just fine!

Sorry missy, I just re read my reply and it sounded presumptions. It wasn't meant that way.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge flirt, and so is SO. It's just how we interact with the world most of the time. He and his friends will go chat up a group of girls at the bar, and he's flirty, but he always ends up bringing me up, and I'll go out and flirt with people, but I'll also make sure to mention my boyfriend pretty early on. If they want to stay and chat/flirt, great! More fun for me! But if they're looking to get laid, it gives them a way to exit the conversation and look for somebody they can take home.

As far as where the line is, for me it's as simple as whether or not the situation would make C feel uncomfortable. So anything I would worry about telling him or him seeing (not that he's here, but you know what I mean), I don't do. (Though he actually just about never gets jealous, and will - and has! - laughed when I tell him stories of guys persistently trying to get in my pants, and encouraged me to move in with a guy I used to have a huge crush on.) And I would ask him (not that it's come to this, there's nobody I'm worried about) to think about whether he or the girl he's flirting with would be comfortable interacting exactly the same way when I'm around as they do when I'm not. Take his housemate, N, for example. They're really close and very affectionate. He thinks of her as his little sister. But their friendship also involves things like her coming home after being away for a week, running and jumping on him while he gives her butt a squeeze (which he actually rather hilariously asked permission to do while we were video chatting and she was hugging him with her legs wrapped around his waist - she had jumped on him and he turned to the camera and said, "Baby, may I squeeze her a$$?" and I told him to go ahead and laughed while she squealed). But I don't ever want to give him a moment of doubt about how seriously I take our relationship, and he knows that while I can get a little jealous sometimes, I trust him to put us first. If either of us started to doubt that, we'd have to have a talk and figure out where to move the line so we were comfortable again.

To each his/her own, but that would never fly with me.

Yeah, I know a lot of people that feel that way, but I've met her and I know how excited she was when we got together as well as how dedicated she is to her boyfriend. Maybe if I didn't have all of that as background it might have raised an eyebrow, but even then...they lived together for a year or two before we met. If they wanted to be together, they'd have gotten together. And there may be a time when that doesn't fly, or somebody else that gives me the heebie jeebies where I wouldn't be okay with it, but with N? Couldn't care less.

I think it's the "Baby, may I squeeze her ass?" while you watch part that gives me the "heebie jeebies" to use your term. It's like a bad porno.

ETA: Some people are totally okay with stuff like that, for example, swingers. But for me, in a one-on-one monogamous relationship I don't see why he would feel the need to grab another girl's butt right in front of you. Would my husband be okay with it if I said "Oh, this is my friend Steve, mind if I grab his crotch?" I'd guess no.

 

[AmeliaG]

I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge flirt, and so is SO. It's just how we interact with the world most of the time. He and his friends will go chat up a group of girls at the bar, and he's flirty, but he always ends up bringing me up, and I'll go out and flirt with people, but I'll also make sure to mention my boyfriend pretty early on. If they want to stay and chat/flirt, great! More fun for me! But if they're looking to get laid, it gives them a way to exit the conversation and look for somebody they can take home.

As far as where the line is, for me it's as simple as whether or not the situation would make C feel uncomfortable. So anything I would worry about telling him or him seeing (not that he's here, but you know what I mean), I don't do. (Though he actually just about never gets jealous, and will - and has! - laughed when I tell him stories of guys persistently trying to get in my pants, and encouraged me to move in with a guy I used to have a huge crush on.) And I would ask him (not that it's come to this, there's nobody I'm worried about) to think about whether he or the girl he's flirting with would be comfortable interacting exactly the same way when I'm around as they do when I'm not. Take his housemate, N, for example. They're really close and very affectionate. He thinks of her as his little sister. But their friendship also involves things like her coming home after being away for a week, running and jumping on him while he gives her butt a squeeze (which he actually rather hilariously asked permission to do while we were video chatting and she was hugging him with her legs wrapped around his waist - she had jumped on him and he turned to the camera and said, "Baby, may I squeeze her a$$?" and I told him to go ahead and laughed while she squealed). But I don't ever want to give him a moment of doubt about how seriously I take our relationship, and he knows that while I can get a little jealous sometimes, I trust him to put us first. If either of us started to doubt that, we'd have to have a talk and figure out where to move the line so we were comfortable again.

To each his/her own, but that would never fly with me.

Yeah, I know a lot of people that feel that way, but I've met her and I know how excited she was when we got together as well as how dedicated she is to her boyfriend. Maybe if I didn't have all of that as background it might have raised an eyebrow, but even then...they lived together for a year or two before we met. If they wanted to be together, they'd have gotten together. And there may be a time when that doesn't fly, or somebody else that gives me the heebie jeebies where I wouldn't be okay with it, but with N? Couldn't care less.

You're not concerned with LDRs being more inheritently risky to begin with? I'm a flirt too and seeing my SO every day gives me more security. I wouldn't be as secure in an LDR.

 

[princesss]

I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge flirt, and so is SO. It's just how we interact with the world most of the time. He and his friends will go chat up a group of girls at the bar, and he's flirty, but he always ends up bringing me up, and I'll go out and flirt with people, but I'll also make sure to mention my boyfriend pretty early on. If they want to stay and chat/flirt, great! More fun for me! But if they're looking to get laid, it gives them a way to exit the conversation and look for somebody they can take home.

As far as where the line is, for me it's as simple as whether or not the situation would make C feel uncomfortable. So anything I would worry about telling him or him seeing (not that he's here, but you know what I mean), I don't do. (Though he actually just about never gets jealous, and will - and has! - laughed when I tell him stories of guys persistently trying to get in my pants, and encouraged me to move in with a guy I used to have a huge crush on.) And I would ask him (not that it's come to this, there's nobody I'm worried about) to think about whether he or the girl he's flirting with would be comfortable interacting exactly the same way when I'm around as they do when I'm not. Take his housemate, N, for example. They're really close and very affectionate. He thinks of her as his little sister. But their friendship also involves things like her coming home after being away for a week, running and jumping on him while he gives her butt a squeeze (which he actually rather hilariously asked permission to do while we were video chatting and she was hugging him with her legs wrapped around his waist - she had jumped on him and he turned to the camera and said, "Baby, may I squeeze her a$$?" and I told him to go ahead and laughed while she squealed). But I don't ever want to give him a moment of doubt about how seriously I take our relationship, and he knows that while I can get a little jealous sometimes, I trust him to put us first. If either of us started to doubt that, we'd have to have a talk and figure out where to move the line so we were comfortable again.

To each his/her own, but that would never fly with me.

Yeah, I know a lot of people that feel that way, but I've met her and I know how excited she was when we got together as well as how dedicated she is to her boyfriend. Maybe if I didn't have all of that as background it might have raised an eyebrow, but even then...they lived together for a year or two before we met. If they wanted to be together, they'd have gotten together. And there may be a time when that doesn't fly, or somebody else that gives me the heebie jeebies where I wouldn't be okay with it, but with N? Couldn't care less.

You're not concerned with LDRs being more inheritently risky to begin with? I'm a flirt too and seeing my SO every day gives me more security. I wouldn't be as secure in an LDR.

I'm actually more secure, which is weird. I *have* to trust him so much that if I spent all of my energy worrying about what could happen I would just ruin what little time we get to have together. I know how dedicated he is to me, so it's just not something I spend time thinking about. I also know the kinds of people he surrounds himself with, and I know that they aren't the type to encourage cheating or cheat themselves.

And sonnyjane - the thing that cracked me up was it was a legitimate question. If I'd said no, he wouldn't have done it, but I could tell he wanted to goose her. I slap my guy friend's butts without a second thought, a quick goose doesn't bug me.

 

[sonnyjane]

And sonnyjane - the thing that cracked me up was it was a legitimate question. If I'd said no, he wouldn't have done it, but I could tell he wanted to goose her. I slap my guy friend's butts without a second thought, a quick goose doesn't bug me.

Sorry I'm not super familiar with your story.... I'm an "old married lady" so I'm not on LIW all that much lol. Do you mind me asking how old you and your SO are for a frame of reference? How often do you see each other? My husband and I were dating long distance for a year before we moved in together/got married, and he is in the military so we are "long distance" at least half of the year. I can understand what you're saying about having to really trust someone in an LDR because it would be all-consuming if you didn't, but... this is just one where I know I wouldn't ever be okay with that situation myself.

 

[princesss]

And sonnyjane - the thing that cracked me up was it was a legitimate question. If I'd said no, he wouldn't have done it, but I could tell he wanted to goose her. I slap my guy friend's butts without a second thought, a quick goose doesn't bug me.

Sorry I'm not super familiar with your story.... I'm an "old married lady" so I'm not on LIW all that much lol. Do you mind me asking how old you and your SO are for a frame of reference? How often do you see each other? My husband and I were dating long distance for a year before we moved in together/got married, and he is in the military so we are "long distance" at least half of the year. I can understand what you're saying about having to really trust someone in an LDR because it would be all-consuming if you didn't, but... this is just one where I know I wouldn't ever be okay with that situation myself.[/quote]

And I think that's totally fair! I think every couple needs to know what works for them and how they operate. I've always been very casual about this stuff, but if I ever have little niggling voice in the back of my mind, I bring them it right away and we talk it through.

And as far as our backstory - we're 26, have been together for a year. We met on vacation in NZ, he lives in the UK, I live in the US (but spent the summer in Denmark, so our distance was a little shorter and a whole lot easier to manage when we were mostly on the same time zone). We've seen each other in person for just 20 days, and we're just about to book his two week trip out here (as in we're booking it today). So he'll be here in Feb. I'm trying to figure out work and school options to get myself either over to his city or somewhere nearby. I haven't been happy living in the States, and I'm burnt out after 8 years, so moving abroad is something I was already working on, this just changed the focus from Cape Town to Europe! Both of us have had long term, live-in relationships before, so we've got a really good sense of what works for us and what doesn't, and how to recognize danger zones and how to keep a relationship going.

 

[sonnyjane]

And as far as our backstory - we're 26, have been together for a year. We met on vacation in NZ, he lives in the UK, I live in the US (but spent the summer in Denmark, so our distance was a little shorter and a whole lot easier to manage when we were mostly on the same time zone). We've seen each other in person for just 20 days, and we're just about to book his two week trip out here (as in we're booking it today). So he'll be here in Feb. I'm trying to figure out work and school options to get myself either over to his city or somewhere nearby. I haven't been happy living in the States, and I'm burnt out after 8 years, so moving abroad is something I was already working on, this just changed the focus from Cape Town to Europe! Both of us have had long term, live-in relationships before, so we've got a really good sense of what works for us and what doesn't, and how to recognize danger zones and how to keep a relationship going.

I had a feeling he wasn't from the States when you said he had a "housemate".

 

[princesss]

And as far as our backstory - we're 26, have been together for a year. We met on vacation in NZ, he lives in the UK, I live in the US (but spent the summer in Denmark, so our distance was a little shorter and a whole lot easier to manage when we were mostly on the same time zone). We've seen each other in person for just 20 days, and we're just about to book his two week trip out here (as in we're booking it today). So he'll be here in Feb. I'm trying to figure out work and school options to get myself either over to his city or somewhere nearby. I haven't been happy living in the States, and I'm burnt out after 8 years, so moving abroad is something I was already working on, this just changed the focus from Cape Town to Europe! Both of us have had long term, live-in relationships before, so we've got a really good sense of what works for us and what doesn't, and how to recognize danger zones and how to keep a relationship going.

I had a feeling he wasn't from the States when you said he had a "housemate".

Yeah, she's one of his 7 housemates. It's funny, a few rooms are kind of revolving doors, with people moving in and out all the time. But there are a few rooms that have had the same people in them for a few years. C will basically live there until we move in together. He's already going on walks trying to figure out where we could live. He's got the neighbourhood picked out, so he just kind of scans to see which flats have to let signs every now and then. (He said he had been daydreaming and looking at places to buy a week or two ago, and I freaked out and said, "Buy? What do you mean, 'buy?' Why would we buy? That's responsibility, and we just agreed to run far, far away from that!" Yes, I'm a weirdo.)

 

[sonnyjane]

Yeah, she's one of his 7 housemates. It's funny, a few rooms are kind of revolving doors, with people moving in and out all the time. But there are a few rooms that have had the same people in them for a few years. C will basically live there until we move in together. He's already going on walks trying to figure out where we could live. He's got the neighbourhood picked out, so he just kind of scans to see which flats have to let signs every now and then. (He said he had been daydreaming and looking at places to buy a week or two ago, and I freaked out and said, "Buy? What do you mean, 'buy?' Why would we buy? That's responsibility, and we just agreed to run far, far away from that!" Yes, I'm a weirdo.)

Ehh, knowing that is the first step lol. DH and I are "weirdos" too by traditional standards. I just posted in the other thread that we probably won't ever have kids because are too selfish. We won't buy a house until we are ready to retire and live in the same place for the rest of our lives. We don't have close relationships with our families. We are planning to order a pizza on Thanksgiving. We don't have a lot of hobbies in common other than eating, watching TV, and gambling in Vegas lol. He does a lot of stuff at home alone (work on his car, plays video games, takes online classes) and I am really social - always out with friends for Happy Hour, shopping, going to movies. I also do a lot of vacations with my girlfriends (i.e. he's not invited haha). I would say outsiders might think we have a "weird" or bad relationship, but I know that we actually have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I personally know. I can understand how things written on an online forum could be interpreted incorrectly. It sounds like you have a good grasp on the situation.

 

[princesss]

Yeah, she's one of his 7 housemates. It's funny, a few rooms are kind of revolving doors, with people moving in and out all the time. But there are a few rooms that have had the same people in them for a few years. C will basically live there until we move in together. He's already going on walks trying to figure out where we could live. He's got the neighbourhood picked out, so he just kind of scans to see which flats have to let signs every now and then. (He said he had been daydreaming and looking at places to buy a week or two ago, and I freaked out and said, "Buy? What do you mean, 'buy?' Why would we buy? That's responsibility, and we just agreed to run far, far away from that!" Yes, I'm a weirdo.)

Ehh, knowing that is the first step lol. DH and I are "weirdos" too by traditional standards. I just posted in the other thread that we probably won't ever have kids because are too selfish. We won't buy a house until we are ready to retire and live in the same place for the rest of our lives. We don't have close relationships with our families. We are planning to order a pizza on Thanksgiving. We don't have a lot of hobbies in common other than eating, watching TV, and gambling in Vegas lol. He does a lot of stuff at home alone (work on his car, plays video games, takes online classes) and I am really social - always out with friends for Happy Hour, shopping, going to movies. I also do a lot of vacations with my girlfriends (i.e. he's not invited haha). I would say outsiders might think we have a "weird" or bad relationship, but I know that we actually have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I personally know. I can understand how things written on an online forum could be interpreted incorrectly. It sounds like you have a good grasp on the situation.

Bahahahaha, indeed! I'm with you on not wanting to buy until we know where we'll want to retire. I just need to explore a few more countries in order to figure out where that is! We'll have to stay in the UK for a little while, but once we get everything sorted there, he's told me we can move wherever I want. I sent him a list one city long, haha.

Btw, thank you for asking genuine questions - I know the way I view things isn't typical, which is why I wanted to give madelise another perspective. But it does sometimes become a way for people to validate their choices by telling me we're doomed to fail because we don't follow their rules. I am happy to explain how we operate and why, and what goes into it, but I really, really appreciate the way you asked.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

I think it works really well if both people in the relationship see flirting the same way. Princess, it's great that both you and your SO acknowledge that you are both big flirts - I think this clears up a lot of opportunity for miscommunication. I think it gets dicey when one person in the relationship is more flirtatious than the other. I really like how some of you pointed out that "feeling" of being too flirtatious or getting that sense from the other person. When this happens to me, I usually somehow try to bring up my boyfriend to clear the air and get back to a platonic baseline.

In terms of where to draw the line, I would be very suspicious if SO started doing something for another woman that he would never do for me. Cuddling is also off limits for me because I think physical proximity has a lot to do with lust and development of sexual thoughts and feelings.

I'm also so shocked at reading some of your stories!! It sounds like woman are equal instigators of infidelity as men are! For me it's scarier with women because they are SO much sneakier about it and seem to take it slower, whereas guys tend to just go in for the kill. I would go if my SO was receiving flirtatious emails. ESPECIALLY if it was from a coworker - talk about unprofessional!

 

[missy]

LOL, no, he's not but he is a very positive person who sees the best in everyone. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and thinks most people have the best intentions. He is very generous and warm. And while that is a good trait it can also be a bad one. .

You know, missy, I refuse to feel sorry for you.You got a great guy! There are worse things than a husband who sees the best in people. Now, as long as he doesn't send his bank account info to scam emails from Nigeria or let an inappropriate correspondence put his job or both of your reputations on the line, I think you two will do just fine!

Sorry missy, I just re read my reply and it sounded presumptions. It wasn't meant that way.

Oh Amelia, no worries- I smiled when I read your post! Yes, I am fortunate and my dh is a great guy. I definitely don't want anyone feeling sorry for me lol. But I was pretty angry with him for quite a while during that whole email fiasco.


ETA: I agree with the fact that if you're both on the same page then who's to judge? It's b/w each couple to decide what works for them! It's no one else's business.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'm also so shocked at reading some of your stories!! It sounds like woman are equal instigators of infidelity as men are! For me it's scarier with women because they are SO much sneakier about it and seem to take it slower, whereas guys tend to just go in for the kill. I would go if my SO was receiving flirtatious emails. ESPECIALLY if it was from a coworker - talk about unprofessional!

there are more women cheated on their man than men cheated on their woman,but most women keep it secret while men loves to brag about it...

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Well, I'm not a very jealous person and neither is SO. One of my best friends is a guy and I actually have MORE guy friends than girl friends. I can't stand catty drama with girls! I talk to a few of my ex's, 2 of them maybe a few times a month and one of them daily. My bf talks to one of his exs and he has a lot of girl and guy friends. He knows he can look at my phone anytime and I can look at his, but it never would come to that bc we both trust each other. In fact, I used to routinely go out for drinks with one of my good guy friends a few times of week after work (I work till 11:30pm and so does he) and my bf could care less. I feel like being jealous takes too much energy. It's not in my personality, but I suppose we might be MORE laid back than the general public! The exs I talk to we're 6 mo or less relationships, that were better off friends so I'm not even sure it that "qualifies" as exs. Is nice to keep in touch with people you didn't work out with but still are friendly with. I feel like if someone's going to cheat on you, it doesn't matter how tight you put the leash on and what you "forbid" each other from doing. They will do it anyways if they ant to do it. Relationships are built on mutual trust in my opinion and since I trust my bf - he can do whatever he feels is "appropriate". We live together, we tell each other everything, and the people we talk to and hang out with obviously know everything about us haha.

To each his own though. As Kenny would say, people vary and I know that my stance is not in the majority haha.

 

[mandasand]

I'm also so shocked at reading some of your stories!! It sounds like woman are equal instigators of infidelity as men are! For me it's scarier with women because they are SO much sneakier about it and seem to take it slower, whereas guys tend to just go in for the kill. I would go if my SO was receiving flirtatious emails. ESPECIALLY if it was from a coworker - talk about unprofessional!

there are more women cheated on their man than men cheated on their woman,but most women keep it secret while men loves to brag about it...

I tend to agree with this. I also think it has to do with values and if the relationship has a good trust foundation. My ex husband cheated on me and he was a real jerk. So,when I started dating my BF, I wanted to make sure he had the same value system as me...that usually prevents people from being unfaithful if it's just something they wouldn't fathom doing!

In terms of flirting....the meat guy at the grocery store was flirting with me over the weekend...I texted my BF and told him, check me out, I'm a hottie! He then teased me about it all weekend. I think it's natural to be flirtatious with people. It's OK as long as it remains platonic.

I will admit, since my BF is in a position of authority at his work, he tends to get a lot of female attention from his subordinates. He has a very strict code he lives by and I trust him, which I never thought I would trust anyone after what happened in my past. So, I don't worry about it too much.

 

[petit_bijou]

I think the line is ultimately less about where each person sees it, but what as a couple you feel is appropriate and acceptable behaviour on your SO's part. My SO and I are currently doing pseudo-long distance, where we only see each other on weekends, and are both very friendly people whose friendliness has been misconstrued as flirting by others in the past. What works for us is an open line of communication, and asking first if there's anything that has the potential to get each others' backs up.

For example, we have a few mutual guy friends that neither of us have a problem with if I go out for dinner or drinks with alone - because we know for sure that nothing would ever happen (and in fact, it's usually an opportunity for said guy friend to vent about their girl problems and get some girl advice). Similarly, he has some long term girl-friends that we often spend time with as a couple, but he'll sometimes go for coffee/drinks/a meal one-on-one, and I have no "heebee jeebees" about it whatsoever. We tend not to go out with co-workers or new friends of the opposite sex alone until they have at least met the other, and I don't have any guy friends that don't know SO and don't hang out with both of us in addition to hanging out alone. I think the comments that have been made about trusting your intuition are true, in the sense where you have to speak up if something makes you feel uncomfortable.

Even if guys are sometimes too naive to see what may be hidden motivations on another woman's part, I think we can still teach them by telling them how we feel about it- and ultimately, if SO were ever to continue a flirty relationship with someone that I felt uncomfortable about because he thinks it's harmless, or "don't worry- she is married too" or anything like that, it would be a HUGE issue for me! Me not being happy about something (and having a legit concern, not just being whiny) should be enough for him to take corrective measures, and vice versa. I wouldn't ever want to suppress jealousy, or have SO suppress his because we think it's childish or an over-reaction. Those kinds of feelings are usually grounded in SOME form of truth or substance, and luckily me and SO are on the same page about that. That said, we also LOVE people watching and talking about strangers/new friends that we both find attractive, and sometimes engage in flirty banter when each other is around- but I guess that's the thing, it's always a very "open door policy" about knowing what each other is feeling and thinking about each other, and the friends around us.

 

[mandasand]

I think the line is ultimately less about where each person sees it, but what as a couple you feel is appropriate and acceptable behaviour on your SO's part. My SO and I are currently doing pseudo-long distance, where we only see each other on weekends, and are both very friendly people whose friendliness has been misconstrued as flirting by others in the past. What works for us is an open line of communication, and asking first if there's anything that has the potential to get each others' backs up.

For example, we have a few mutual guy friends that neither of us have a problem with if I go out for dinner or drinks with alone - because we know for sure that nothing would ever happen (and in fact, it's usually an opportunity for said guy friend to vent about their girl problems and get some girl advice). Similarly, he has some long term girl-friends that we often spend time with as a couple, but he'll sometimes go for coffee/drinks/a meal one-on-one, and I have no "heebee jeebees" about it whatsoever. We tend not to go out with co-workers or new friends of the opposite sex alone until they have at least met the other, and I don't have any guy friends that don't know SO and don't hang out with both of us in addition to hanging out alone. I think the comments that have been made about trusting your intuition are true, in the sense where you have to speak up if something makes you feel uncomfortable.

Even if guys are sometimes too naive to see what may be hidden motivations on another woman's part, I think we can still teach them by telling them how we feel about it- and ultimately, if SO were ever to continue a flirty relationship with someone that I felt uncomfortable about because he thinks it's harmless, or "don't worry- she is married too" or anything like that, it would be a HUGE issue for me! Me not being happy about something (and having a legit concern, not just being whiny) should be enough for him to take corrective measures, and vice versa. I wouldn't ever want to suppress jealousy, or have SO suppress his because we think it's childish or an over-reaction. Those kinds of feelings are usually grounded in SOME form of truth or substance, and luckily me and SO are on the same page about that. That said, we also LOVE people watching and talking about strangers/new friends that we both find attractive, and sometimes engage in flirty banter when each other is around- but I guess that's the thing, it's always a very "open door policy" about knowing what each other is feeling and thinking about each other, and the friends around us.

I actually think I would QUESTION my partner if he did not want or "allow" me to go out to dinner and/or drinks with a male friend or co-worker. That is just too possessive. Like you, I also have male frineds, I just let my BF know I have "happy hour" with the "guys" on whatever day. We usually check in with each other during the time I'm with my friends. Again, it's the trust thing.

My ex husband NEVER wanted or allowed me to go out with male friends alone. And, he was the cheating a-hole. So, if my BF had a super jealous reaction to my male friends, it was raise a red flag for me.