FI''s daughter is pregnant...

[marchswallowbird]

...and the baby will be 6 weeks old when FI and I get married. So FI's daughter is saying she may not make it to the wedding cuz 6 weeks is very, very young for a baby to travel from AZ to CA and be subjected to crowds.

I should say here that FI's daughter is in her late 20s, married, and already has a 5-year-old. So this will be her second child.

Of course, FI's ex-wife is this girl's mother and they are fairly close. Also, while FI's daughter and I definitely get along, I privately consider her to be whiney and needy. Just one example: she burst into tears when FI told her (without me there) that he was getting remarried, because she thought her dad wouldn't "be there" for her anymore (this from a grown woman who lives in another state, is married, has a child, and is a veterinarian).

So, she is currently 6 weeks pregnant. FI and I announced our engagement last May.

Here's my question (and I should say that I'm not upset or bothered about any of this, just curious what you think).

Do you think she got pregnant when she did so she would have an excuse to skip our wedding?

 

[iheartscience]

Oooooh boy! Something tells me you''re opening up a can of worms with this one! Hahaha!

Hmm...I think she does sound pretty whiny and needy. You''ve always seemed pretty level-headed in your posts so I believe you on that! Buuuut it is a little narcissistic? self-centered? to assume she got preggo on purpose so she wouldn''t have to come to your wedding. Not to mention that''s a big commitment to take on just to get out of going to your wedding!

I guess my conclusion is that while it''s possible she did at least THINK about that when she decided to get preggo, I doubt she did it to get out of your wedding.

So...what do you think? Did she do it to get out of the wedding?

 

[gwendolyn]

I think it''s probably more likely it just happened that way. She might have rejoiced silently to herself if you think she''s that against her father remarrying you, but I''d be surprised if it extended beyond that.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/9/2008 1:54:18 AM
Author: gwendolyn
I think it''s probably more likely it just happened that way. She might have rejoiced silently to herself if you think she''s that against her father remarrying you, but I''d be surprised if it extended beyond that.

Agreed...having a child is going a bit far for a conspiracy theory...

 

[Bia]

Yea, I have to agree that she probably didn''t plan her pregnancy in that way. Also, although she may very well be needy and whiny, your FI is her father...girls can be that way with their dads, even as adults. Cut her some slack and continue being someone she can repsect and even like. Who knows, maybe you''ll both go on to have a fantastic relationship?

But definitely don''t fault her for getting pregnant.

 

[Pandora II]

I doubt it - stop by the TTC thread and you will see just how hard it is to get pg on demand.

DH and I started TTC straight after our wedding, we were lucky and I got pg within 6 weeks. Only then did I find out the due date and it''s 3 days before my brother''s wedding.

As his wedding is 7 hours from London there is no way I could risk going if the baby isn''t yet born and no way I would travel that far with a tiny newborn.

I would think that it is a convenient excuse for her rather than a deliberate plan.

On her being whiney and needy, I must admit that I would take my father remarrying very hard if that were ever to happen and would never attend the wedding (and I''m 36).

People can be affected very differently by life events - divorce can have a huge effect on children. I have seen that with my own husband whose parents had a messy divorce when he was 15. Both his parents have remarried and to this day he loathes his father''s new wife as do his 3 brothers.

Maybe it''s better for everyone if she''s not there - and has a ''valid reason'' not to be if that makes sense?

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/9/2008 1:54:18 AM
Author: gwendolyn
I think it''s probably more likely it just happened that way. She might have rejoiced silently to herself if you think she''s that against her father remarrying you, but I''d be surprised if it extended beyond that.

ditto. I doubt that she planned to have a baby just to get out of the wedding.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I am positive that she didn''t have a child just to get out of the wedding, and I would bet that the timing isn''t on purpose, but I also bet that she would attend the wedding if it were a wedding she was happy about... just my two cents.


I''ve seen 6 week old newborns at weddings before, and I know it is possible to leave a six week old with a trusted friend or relative, especially when it''s a second child and the parents aren''t scared by every littlt sneeze.

She probably found out the date of delivery and did a little happy dance inside because now she has a good excuse. If she wanted to come, she would find a way, even if it meant leaving hubby with baby at home.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 12/9/2008 9:56:57 AM
Author: Pandora II
I doubt it - stop by the TTC thread and you will see just how hard it is to get pg on demand.

DH and I started TTC straight after our wedding, we were lucky and I got pg within 6 weeks. Only then did I find out the due date and it''s 3 days before my brother''s wedding.

As his wedding is 7 hours from London there is no way I could risk going if the baby isn''t yet born and no way I would travel that far with a tiny newborn.

I would think that it is a convenient excuse for her rather than a deliberate plan.

On her being whiney and needy, I must admit that I would take my father remarrying very hard if that were ever to happen and would never attend the wedding (and I''m 36).

People can be affected very differently by life events - divorce can have a huge effect on children. I have seen that with my own husband whose parents had a messy divorce when he was 15. Both his parents have remarried and to this day he loathes his father''s new wife as do his 3 brothers.

Maybe it''s better for everyone if she''s not there - and has a ''valid reason'' not to be if that makes sense?

i am a child of divorce but i feel like people really need to give the "new wife" a break... it makes it seem like their marriage is not valid.. i do not understand why children cannot be happy for their parents... would they rather have them be in miserable marriage?

although i don''t think that she got preggo intentionally she is probably thrilled to pieces because she is a brat and obviously cannot deal with her father being happy. she needs to get over it. i hope you have a wonderful wedding-with...or without her there.

 

[*Danielle*]

I agree that she probably did not plan the timing, but is probably happy about it.

Personally, I would not act like that if either one of my parents remarried. My mother did last year and I actually wasn''t able to go, which was a disappointment. I don''t like her husband but whatever makes them happy.

Look on the bright side, at least you won''t have her there to whine on your special day

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I hope she didn''t get pregnant to avoid your wedding...thats a sad way to bring a child into this world....and, the absolute worst reason to, as well.

I''m inclined to believe it just so happened to work out like it did.

 

[tessari]

If I were you I would act like my stepmom does and stay out of it and keep your private opinions private. If my dad's wife started complaining about me to my dad he would be so angry at her...don't even go there. Just because she started crying at the thought of her dad remarrying (I cried when my dad told me he got married) doesn't mean she's not happy for him. Aren't you happy for her and for your FI?

 

[galvana]

well this is a tough one, infant CAN travel at as young at 2 weeks -

she may not have gotten pregnant on purpose BUT she is definitly using it as an excuse NOT to attend which i think is kind of crappy -

 

[Bliss]

Congrats, Marchswallowbird on getting married! I hope the tension doesn''t affect your happy day. Maybe it''s for the best that she doesn''t come. I know your FI will be sad but maybe in the long run, there will be less drama because of it. Can you imagine all the attention and special needs an itsy bitsy bambino will need and especially during the ceremony... you''d be more stressed.

Maybe she burst into tears also because of her hormones? I''ve never been pregnant but I suspect I will be weepy over every little thing. And thank goodness she isn''t crying because she doesn''t like you, but that she feels like she''s losing her dad. I know she''s in her late 20s but some people still feel as vulnerable as children. Be happy that you are strong and maybe feel badly for her that at her age, she still feels like a vulnerable and abandoned little girl. I understand why you feel bothered by this. It''s natural. But remember, FI loves you and is vowing that no one will come between your sacred union. So rest assured in his love.

 

[MustangGal]

What part of CA will the wedding be in? I''m prego now, and plan to take my 6-7 week old from AZ to Palm Springs for DH''s cousin''s wedding (a cousin I barely know and DH was never close with). I think she''s just using it as an excuse. We plan to take the baby to the first part of the reception so that DH''s family can see him, we figured a wedding is a great excuse to show him off!

 

[meresal]

It doesn''t sound like she got pregnant when she did in order to miss the wedding. Sometimes these things just happen, and to be honest she did wait 5 years to have another child, maybe the timing was right for them. IMO, that excuse would be more believable if she were on the verge of having the baby (ie, getting preggo at the right time, so that she would be in her last few weeks); given issues with traveling and needing to be close to doctors.

As far as missing the wedding, I''m not sure how far of a drive you would be talking about (part of AZ to part of CA??), but here''s my personal experience:
One of my sisters had her baby on April 2, 1998 and the other sister got married on April 27, 1998. Not only was she at the wedding, with the baby, my sister was in the wedding as her MOH. Sister and husband, with baby, drove from far east Texas to DFW, which at a regular speed is about 3.5 hours.

I find it odd that she is already ruling out the idea of even trying to make it...

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 12/9/2008 1:26:12 PM
Author: meresal
It doesn't sound like she got pregnant when she did in order to miss the wedding. Sometimes these things just happen, and to be honest she did wait 5 years to have another child, maybe the timing was right for them. IMO, that excuse would be more believable if she were on the verge of having the baby (ie, getting preggo at the right time, so that she would be in her last few weeks); given issues with traveling and needing to be close to doctors.

As far as missing the wedding, I'm not sure how far of a drive you would be talking about (part of AZ to part of CA??), but here's my personal experience:
One of my sisters had her baby on April 2, 1998 and the other sister got married on April 27, 1998. Not only was she at the wedding, with the baby, my sister was in the wedding as her MOH. Sister and husband, with baby, drove from far east Texas to DFW, which at a regular speed is about 3.5 hours.

I find it odd that she is already ruling out the idea of even trying to make it...

exactly... if it was important to her to attend, she would have said, "it's a possibility that we won't make it, but we'll try our best!" Think about how much her dad would love to have his newest grandbaby at his wedding. She is clearly using it as an excuse not to come, and she might get used to the idea of her dad remarrying and decide to come afterall.

Honestly, this probably has nothing to do with you. This is about her relationship with her father. Whether she is upset at him for remarrying or holding on to problems from when her parents were together or getting divorced, we do not know. I am not saying that your FI has ever done anything wrong, so I speak in general when I say this: If my dad cheated on my mom or put her through a nasty divorce or mistreated me in the process of separation from my mom, I would not attend his wedding later in life, regardless of how well I get along with the new wife. He would be lucky to be in my children's lives.

PS - please don't take this as me sticking up for the girl because I believe she jsut as easily could be behaving like a spoiled brat as I could believe that your FI wronged her or her mother in some way.

 

[Elmorton]

Did she get pregnant just because you''re getting married to her dad? No.

Is she using the baby to conveniently get out of going to your wedding? Sounds like it.

 

[D2B]

Babies cannot be conceived on demand or shedule (99% of the time), so that she would conceive on purpose to avoid your wedding, is not logical, and more a reflection of your issues with her (in thinking this iykwim - sorry, but that is how it comes accross).

If you dont get along, she is probably happy to use this as an excuse not to come, but to conceive on demand, that is a big ask, a life time responsiibility just to get out of a wedding????!!

As someone who also has a stepmum, my advice is to say nothing, be sweet and kind,that way everyones life will be easier. She is an adult, and yes, may have a weird, needy relationship with her father, but to be honest,it is strange how many grown adults revert to type around their parents or family, just think of extended family gatherings and all that happens.

enjoy your day, I am sure it will be beautiful.

\\d2b

 

[marchswallowbird]

Tessari, do not worry, I am definitely keeping these opinions to myself! Well, I''ve voiced some of them before to FI, in a much more restrained way, and FI knows I think his daughter needs to grow up a bit, so right now I am keeping my mouth shut and not saying anything more. That''s why I have you guys!!! I appreciate all your honest opinions.

If she comes to the wedding with a screaming infant (arghhhh) well, it is FI''s grandchild and he will be overjoyed to have both his daughter and newest grandchild there, so I will be beautiful and radiant and grit my teeth and not say anything and not let it spoil anything, even if the whole side of FI''s family spends half the wedding cooing over the new baby. Really, it won''t matter in the larger scheme of my life with FI.

If FI''s daughter is not there, it will make things a LOT easier for me, although I will just hate it that FI will be extremely disappointed.
After reading all your posts and talking to FI a bit about this (in a very non-judgmental way that positioned it as me being concerned for him if she didn''t come to the wedding), I agree that she didn''t time it this way on purpose (I never thought she got pregnant to avoid the wedding, I was just suspicious of the timing). FI says they''ve been trying to get pregnant for a few months, so it sounds like she was hoping to conceive earlier and that the baby would be a bit older by the time of our wedding. Right now she isn''t saying she definitely won''t make it, she''s saying it will be up to her pediatrician. So we will see what happens.

Either way, I will deal with it, she is his daughter and a very, very important part of his life, and the wedding is only one day. I don''t buy into the whole "perfect day as a princess" wedding fantasy anyway. I am going to do everything in my power to get along with her (now and in the long run) so that FI isn''t burdened by the two most important women in his life having conflicts and issues.

Guilty Pleasure, I know you weren''t making this assumption about my FI, but I have to make a point of clarification: FI and his ex-wife got divorced because she was cheating on him, not the other way around.

Thanks again for all your input!!

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/9/2008 8:57:38 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 12/9/2008 1:54:18 AM

Author: gwendolyn

I think it''s probably more likely it just happened that way. She might have rejoiced silently to herself if you think she''s that against her father remarrying you, but I''d be surprised if it extended beyond that.

Agreed...having a child is going a bit far for a conspiracy theory...

Agree. And adding, if she''s in her late 20s, married, and has a 5 year old it could be that they simply wanted their children spaced like that or that she''s actually been trying for some time to get pregnant and finally suceeded.

 

[trillionaire]

I doubt she did it on purpose. I doubt she cares that much. But, on the other hand, she might not be upset that it worked out this way, but those are two different things.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

How many people will be at your wedding? I have never been to a wedding where I was able to spend more than a few minutes with the bride and groom... and I'm talking about weddings of family members or close friends when I was a bridesmaid. The rest of the time, I was talking to other people about their new jobs, their babies, their summer vacation to Italy, the latest song on the radio, etc.
The reason I ask is because I can't see how it would matter if his family spends the entire wedding cooing over the new baby. As long as they say congratulations in the two minutes they have with you and DH, pay you a compliment on your dress, and watch you cut the cake, I don't think it would have any effect on you whatsoever. Now if there are only twenty people at your wedding, that may change things in terms of attention!

ETA - I also think that saying it's up to the pediatrician is way different than saying she won't be able to come. I've already had three people tell me they will try to make it but are not sure due to pregnancy.

 

[marchswallowbird]

There will be somewhere between 30 and 35 people at the wedding.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/9/2008 1:26:13 AM
Author:marchswallowbird
Do you think she got pregnant when she did so she would have an excuse to skip our wedding?

WOW. I cannot imagine what kind of history you must have with his daughter to reach a conclusion like that!

I'd be incredibly surprised to hear about anyone who would decide to do this, much less succeed in conceiving with such impeccable timing considering how difficult and unpredictable TTC is/can be. Without knowing her no one can say, but I sincerely doubt that her conception had even the tiniest bit to do with your impending wedding. Convenient for her as an excuse now that it's happened, but not deliberate.

Another thing to consider here is that this is likely a very happy time for your FI--he's about to have another grandchild. It's not the greatest timing as it means his daughter will miss his wedding, but I'm sure he's absolutely thrilled (as all grandparents are). I wouldn't rain on that parade by suggesting anything about what you're thinking to him.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/9/2008 2:37:17 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
If she comes to the wedding with a screaming infant (arghhhh) well, it is FI''s grandchild and he will be overjoyed to have both his daughter and newest grandchild there, so I will be beautiful and radiant and grit my teeth and not say anything and not let it spoil anything, even if the whole side of FI''s family spends half the wedding cooing over the new baby. Really, it won''t matter in the larger scheme of my life with FI.

Wouldn''t it just add to the joy of the event? Everyone''s different on that front... my husband and I weren''t bothered in the least by any thunder-stealing at our wedding. We had a new baby, a new engagement and a "surprise! I flew 10,000 miles to see all my friends at your wedding!" so people were certainly not all-eyes-on-us. Didn''t bother me at all. I think brides tend to overestimate how important the "our marriage is the only special/important thing that day" element is.

Also, if she''s like the vast majority of other parents, she''ll get out of earshot the minute that baby starts making any noise.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 12/9/2008 2:37:17 PM
Author: marchswallowbird

If she comes to the wedding with a screaming infant (arghhhh) well, it is FI''s grandchild and he will be overjoyed to have both his daughter and newest grandchild there, so I will be beautiful and radiant and grit my teeth and not say anything and not let it spoil anything, even if the whole side of FI''s family spends half the wedding cooing over the new baby. Really, it won''t matter in the larger scheme of my life with FI.

Either way, I will deal with it, she is his daughter and a very, very important part of his life, and the wedding is only one day. I don''t buy into the whole ''perfect day as a princess'' wedding fantasy anyway. I am going to do everything in my power to get along with her (now and in the long run) so that FI isn''t burdened by the two most important women in his life having conflicts and issues.

Marchswallowbird: You haven''t mentioned whether you are a mother or grandmother yourself (and if you did, please accept my apologies for missing it!) But... now that the concerns about the daughter''s intent have been laid to rest, would it be possible for you get enthusiastic about the daughter''s pregnancy? I suspect that your FI would really appreciate that...

 

[musey]

Date: 12/9/2008 9:56:17 PM
Author: VRBeauty
would it be possible for you get enthusiastic about the daughter''s pregnancy? I suspect that your FI would really appreciate that...

Thank you, VR. I had written about that in my first post, but was afraid people would get annoyed at my rainbows-and-puppy-dogs outlook on the situation

so I edited it out. Since you did mention it, I just wanted to back you up.

March, please know I mean no offense, but the importance of a pregnancy far outweighs the importance of a wedding (not necessarily a marriage, but the wedding part specifically). It is her prerogative not to travel with her baby if she feels she won''t be ready to. Whether or not it''s just an excuse is a moot point--it''s still her own decision to make.

What''s important is that your family-to-be has two big things to celebrate, your marriage and a new baby on the way. This is all good news! Be happy for yourself and for her--there''s plenty of love and happiness to go around

 

[elle_chris]

1. You''re not upset if she doesn''t come to your wedding but think she may have got pregnant on purpose to avoid it.
2.You think she''s needy and whiny.
3. If she doesn''t come to the wedding it will makes things "a LOT" easier for you.
4. If she does come with the ''screaming" infant you will be beautiful and radiant and grit your teeth even if the whole side of your fiances family spends half the time cooing over the new baby.

all of the above contradicts the other things you have said such as "you don''t buy into the perfect day as a princess", and " you get along with her".

I honestly don''t want to mean about this, I just think you need to re-read everything you wrote and see how it sounds.

But the most important point I''d like to make is she''s his daughter, and will always be his daughter. Be careful of what you say to him as it might hurt you in the end.

Good Luck

 

[marchswallowbird]

No, I won't be upset if she doesn't come to the wedding EXCEPT insomuch that FI will be very disappointed and I would feel terrible for him.

Yes, it will be a lot easier for me if she doesn't come.

There are some serious family tensions between FI's daughter and her brother and sister-in-law and it would be easier not to have that at a wedding where only 30-35 people will be present.

If she comes, she wants to stay at FI's house near Yosemite to defray some expenses, whereas I do not want houseguests (of any sort) right before my wedding or during my honeymoon, which we are spending at FI's house.

If she comes with the baby, she will probably need access to FI's and my room at the reception venue, because our actual reception is outdoors. We are the only ones staying at the venue, everyone else is at a different hotel. I was planning to run to our room to use the bathroom, since the only other facility at our reception is a small public restroom everyone in the public areas of the hotel must use (not just our reception but the entire hotel, including hikers and such who have stopped by to see the hotel, which is a National Historic Monument). I was planning to take off my dress which is easier than trying to haul it out of the way to pee. We don't have a suite, mind you, just a regular hotel room. She isn't the first person I would choose to see me undressed.

So yes, it would be a lot easier for me if she didn't come.

I didn't "think" she may have gotten pregnant on purpose to avoid the wedding. I was wondered if she had purposely TIMED it this way to give her an excuse not to go.

In my last post, I said that what I now believe after talking to FI is that she has been trying to conceive for a few months and that she had hoped to conceive right away so that her baby would be older so that she would be able to travel to the wedding.

If she comes and the infant is constantly screaming, yes, I will grit my teeth. I think most people would.

I don't buy into the perfect day as a princess wedding, but on the other hand I DO have strong feelings about this particular person taking the focus off me at my own wedding. It's not even all day. My reception is 3 hours long.

And Musey, I never said I disagreed with her prerogative not to travel with her baby if she feels she won't be ready to. In fact, I agree with her on this. if it were me, I wouldn't to it. Too risky for the baby in my opinion.

FI's daughter and her husband have been having marital trouble for some time. This is why they haven't had a second child yet. FI thought for awhile that they may even separate. They have also been having financial woes, with a few more potentially looming. FI takes this pregnancy as a sign that they have worked out their marital troubles and have re-committed to making their marriage work, for better or worse. If this is true, and I pray it is, hallelujah. But perhaps it is the cynical side of me, I am having trouble getting too enthusiastic about her pregnancy yet.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I think you guys do have some valid points about me needing to work harder to let go of some of my judgments against this woman, and work harder to foster a more positive relationship with her. So I am going to work on this.

And yes, I am keeping this to myself!! Of course I do not want to hurt FI with my negative feelings about his daughter.