Flaky RSVPers with dates! Am I too mean?

[selflove]

So I''ve got a couple single friends who are bringing "dates"--but not really dates, just friends of the opposite sex.

One of the "dates" asked if she could give a last minute answer to my friend (last minute being the day before or the day of the May 6th wedding). So he asked me if that was okay. I said "No, I have to have an answer by Friday April 28 because the restaurant needs an exact head count and I will be charged for no-shows. And I''d rather not be charged for this girl being a no-show."

I hope that wasn''t too mean, but come on!

I''ve got a girlfriend who is having a similar situation with her guy-friend-from-work who won''t know until the day of basically, b/c he has season-tickets for the Clippers and if they go to "Game 7" then he can''t make it. I said to her "Look, I don''t care who you bring, whether it''s this guy friend or a girl friend or whomever but let me know one way or another by Friday." Again, I don''t really want to pay for a no-show date!

 

[Mara]

no you aren''t being mean, that''s actually really rude of them to ask you to wait and maybe have to pay for a no-show at your WEDDING.

HELLO....come on this isn''t a wine and cheese thing for friends at your house or something where it doesn''t matter when they RSVP or not or just show up...it''s a wedding and you could be paying $90 a head for someone''s random no-show date and they think it''s okay to ask you if that is alright? HELL NO.

sometimes people are just soooo out there!!

 

[teebee]

Date: 4/25/2006 4:39:24 PM
Author: Mara
no you aren''t being mean, that''s actually really rude of them to ask you to wait and maybe have to pay for a no-show at your WEDDING.

HELLO....come on this isn''t a wine and cheese thing for friends at your house or something where it doesn''t matter when they RSVP or not or just show up...it''s a wedding and you could be paying $90 a head for someone''s random no-show date and they think it''s okay to ask you if that is alright? HELL NO.

sometimes people are just soooo out there!!

Ditto. And someday when these flakes get married they will understand what a pain they are being by asking you this....

I think people that haven''t gone through planning and paying for a wedding are just clueless about these things... Even then, it seems like a lot of my friends who HAVE been through all the wedding crap have simply forgotten - many of my married friends are the ones who haven''t yet RSVP''d.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 4/25/2006 4:39:24 PM
Author: Mara
no you aren''t being mean, that''s actually really rude of them to ask you to wait and maybe have to pay for a no-show at your WEDDING.

HELLO....come on this isn''t a wine and cheese thing for friends at your house or something where it doesn''t matter when they RSVP or not or just show up...it''s a wedding and you could be paying $90 a head for someone''s random no-show date and they think it''s okay to ask you if that is alright? HELL NO.

sometimes people are just soooo out there!!

EXACTLY!!!

If they think you''re being mean they just need to take a moment and realize what they''re actually doing to you. It would be one thing if it was their husband who might have to have surgery that day or something, but if it isn''t even a significant other, AND they don''t have an important reason, then they really don''t have any REAL reason to be bringing them to your wedding anyway in my opinion, so you''re already doing them a huge favor by letting them bring a random guest of their choice, so they need to appreciate that and forfeit that favor if they can''t give you a definite answer before the RSVP date!!

[That is a loooong runon sentence but I''m too lazy to fix it.

]

 

[nytemist]

It has been said here many times, in one way or another, about how weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people. For such a life-changing event, why do some people pick this time to throw their manners out the window?

It wasn''t rude of you at all. Why don''t people realize that a wedding (or any other formal event) is not like a barbecue that you can say ''maybe someone''s coming with me...'' Definate numbers are needed. Hey, if he can''t make it, let her know she can pay both for both spots. I bet she''ll reconsider.

I''ve already had someone, who isn''t even invited to mine but thinks she is, say "I may want to bring the guy I''m seeing right now, if we become serious by then."

Wha......???!?!?!?!

 

[moon river]

People can be sooooo rude. No, your not being mean at all. I wish people knew what manners are. It seems these days they HAVE flown out the window.

 

[selflove]

Date: 4/25/2006 4:45:01 PM
Author: albicocca

but if it isn''t even a significant other, AND they don''t have an important reason, then they really don''t have any REAL reason to be bringing them to your wedding anyway in my opinion, so you''re already doing them a huge favor by letting them bring a random guest of their choice, so they need to appreciate that and forfeit that favor if they can''t give you a definite answer before the RSVP date!!

That''s exactly what I was thinking: "I am doing them a huge favor by letting them bring a random guest of their choice". Who, BTW, I don''t even know! You think I wanna go paying for their empty seat?

Nytemist--Good luck handling that situation when the time comes...won''t she be surprised when the invitation never arrives!

Thanks everyone for your comments!

 

[Mara]

oh and the day before the wedding they are trying to be all ''i''ll let you know''? SHEESH. okay MAYBE i could see someone saying ''hey i will know a few weeks before the wedding, is that okay?'' but a DAY or two???? seriously, the nerve.

for whatever reason, i am all worked up over this on your behalf!! haha.

 

[selflove]

Ha ha Mara! Thanks for the support! I really can''t believe people either, sometimes.

And then the bride gets labelled a "Bridezilla" b/c she keeps following up and needs to know!

(Not that my friends have given me any guff and if they did I''d REALLY turn into a bridezilla!)

 

[FireGoddess]

You were right to say what you did. I just don''t get people sometimes. It''s like the lightbulb is permanently shut out in their heads. I had some single people, who weren''t dating ANYONE, reply that they were bringing a guest. Uh, did you not see the invite was addressed to YOU? Not you and so-and-so, not you and-a-guest...people just think these things are a free for all. It''s ridiculous. But to bring a friend and want to tell you at the last minute? Don''t think so!

 

[Scooba]

Not too mean at all, these people are the ones being rude! Also, I know you might not know these "dates" or care if they come or whatever, but I still think it''s rude to say "I''ll come to the wedding only if I can''t go to the basketball game" I''m sure your feelings aren''t hurt I just think that''s tacky and inappropriate.

 

[Tybee]

Well,
People just don''t really understand sometimes, do they? In which case, I believe that they should
be informed. I don''t think you were rude a bit.

 

[diamondfan]

did not know RSVp meant rude self centered vain and petty! I mean, one would think people have enough class to know you do not invite your own date without being invited as a "plus one" or as an "and guest". and who does not think about the fact that if you say you are coming, a plate and seat are there for you, and the restaurant or hotel does not say, oh, David did not show, the dinner is on us! I think sometimes people are so lacking in common graces. I love when people call and ask what you are serving (and tell you they hate it..., okay so do not eat it!!) or ask who you are sitting them with or tell you who to put them with...like a bride or groom to be do not have enough on their plate? I think you learn so much about people when you are planning a wedding. And, yes, if you are serving a buffet at your home in an open house come whenever setting, one person here or there may not matter, but it boggles the mind how clueless people can be. It makes for such aggravation and I am sorry you have to deal with it!

 

[gingerBcookie]

yo are not being mean at all! that is RIDICULOUS!!!

I tried to avoid the whole univited guests thing by writing "We have reserved X number or seat in you honor" on the RSVP cards as suggested by someone.

we had someone cross out our number and add to it!!!!!

talk about unclassy. i was so annoyed (it was one of fi''s friends who i never particularly liked in the first place) that i made him call her up and tell her nuh-uh...homey don''t play that..

 

[Rebemdee]

We had one guest cancel this week, due to illness, which I totally understand. Tomorrow is the last day I can alter head count (wedding is Saturday), so it wasn''t a big deal. But we have one guest who never responded to our RSVP AND never responded to the phone call we left two weeks ago. I hope he isn''t coming, because we don''t have a lunch plate planned for him.

 

[sydneycasandra]

Some deep, cruel part of me wants to not call any of the people on my RSVP list to ask (RSVP date is May 1st; I''ve received 18 yes and 2 no out of the 80 people invited on my side:

) One girl (who lives in the UK and I knew couldn''t come but I wanted her to have an invitation anyhow) had the audacity to send me back an E-CARD that says "congratulations on your engagement"; she already knew I was engaged, I just invited her her to the wedding reception (wedding is DW).

But back to the deep cruel part; the other 60 people who have not bothered to call, write, or send a carrier pigeon; I know I can''t do this but I sometimes just want to not call any of them. I want to not have seating for them, and not have enough food. And if they show up to the wedding reception I''ll be as nice as I can in explaining that we only have food and drink and seating for 40 because they didn''t call so we figured they were not coming. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Like, the Etiquette Avenger!?

 

[Skylah]

Ditto all the above. People are freakin'' nuts.

 

[Mara]

well we didn''t get all our rsvp cards back and i didn''t call anyone who didn''t send them. i figured we were all adults and knew how to mail a card.

but then again we were getting married in hawaii so i had ample time to add another person to the list if some random person showed up. on the island wanting to attend..heheee. if it was local, maybe i would have called. but maybe not.

 

[BeaudryBabe]

People can be so inconsiderate. We had like 5 guests RSVP "yes" and then not show at all. I was ticked. At $175.00 a person thats alot of money. The worst was that 2 of them didn''t bother to call, mail a card, nothing, I guess something better came up that morning. Geez, beyond rude.

None of them had a good excuse, it was almost as if they just said "yes'' to keep their options open. We only had 90 total, so we only invited our closest friends and family. I would have expected this if we had invited hundreds of friends, family, collegues etc.

 

[Mara]

hehee you should send them a bill for $175.00 a head for not showing up.

 

[BeaudryBabe]

I thought of that, Mara, just couldn''t do it. But ya know what, it was a reality check. At big moments in your life, you really see people for who they are. We really don''t have contact with any of them any longer, they just fell away.

 

[klavigne]

I''d call these people and ask them if they are coming or not, if the first word out of their mouth isn''t yes, I''d be like "so I''m putting you down as a no, thanks"
People as so stupid about how this all works, you get an invite, you decide if you want to go or not, you send back RSVP. IT''S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE. You sent out invites giving people plenty of time to send back an RSVP and make plans for that weekend, whats wrong with wanting the same. It''s not like you mailed out the invites a week before your wedding.
I think we''re all going through our own similiar drama with the planning so at least we can all help support each other. I can''t wait for some of the people I''ve invited to get married so I can be the idiot ruining their planning.
Evil, maybe, but thats how I feel about all this, these people are making me be an a$$hole. My FI thinks it''s great because she''ll get me all fired up about something then put me on the phone with a vendor. We usually get extra''s or the price drops after my phone call. Come to think of it, I think she''s well aware of what she''s doing....... She doesn''t want to be the bad guy so she tricks me into doing it.....oh wait until she gets home.

 

[TravelingGal]

You should have told your CLUELESS friend that it''s totally fine...as long as he doesn''t mind sharing his chair, cutlery, and his meal with her.

My boss was joking that to cull the guest list, you should only invite people who would be willing to "sponsor" your wedding. I just had this ridiculous image of the DJ announcing, "And tonight''s salad is brought to you by Jane Green!"

 

[Caribou]

If anything I think your friends are rude...and I''m not even going to take the excuse that they''ve never planned a wedding so they don''t understand the costs involved.

This is my first wedding that I''ve planned and even before this one I was fully aware of the cost involved and if I RSVP''d to a wedding I was there unless I was horribly sick.

I have a feeling that my friend from work is going to RSVP to my wedding and then he will be a no-show.

I mean, no-shows are naturally going to happen but HOW RUDE!

Kick ''em where it hurts!!!!!

 

[selflove]

Yeah, this "date" of this friend of mine is actually coming back from her sister''s wedding in Mexico. So DUH! She KNOWS it''s not okay to make a decision the day-of, DUH! And I want to tell my friend that she''s obviously not interested in him if she can''t set plans with him. That''s my Friday phone call...hee hee...

Yeah, the no-shows...I hope we don''t have too many of those. That is gonna really annoy me too.

I once had to cancel on a friend''s wedding about 1 1/2 weeks before the date and I just felt awful and I called her as soon as I knew and apologized profusely. Luckily it didn''t screw up her costs but I felt bad b/c there''s always that "B" list of more people that the couple might want to add if there are cancellations. But at least I wasn''t a no-show!!!

 

[diamondfan]

It is so rude to say you are coming and not show, and then not even call or follow up. I would be worried about someone who did not show, and think it would be nice to hear from them...unless they had no reason and were embarassed to see you. Most people, at this point in life, understand that weddings cost money and if you say you are coming it costs to have you. Stuff comes up, but most times it is just sheer rudeness. it might be amazing (or not) to see how many people you do not still have in your life after your wedding...I look through my album, 15 years later, and think, don''t talk to them, don''t talk to her...kind of sad if you think about it!