FMIL already driving my crazy!

[bubbly1126]

Ugh. I am already so frustrated and I only just started planning!

I was talking today with my FMIL about who is going to be at the ceremony. The way I took our conversation was that she expects all of FI family to be able to see us get married. Um. I''m sorry, no. Those he is close with, absolutely. But ALL OF THEM? Absolutely not! He and I both agreed we were having a SMALL ceremony and then a bigger reception where those that couldn''t be at the ceremony could celebrate with us. But no, this doesn''t seem good enough for her.

She even said "Well, you know. In an actual traditional church wedding, people get invitations to the Reception NOT the Ceremony. Whoever wants to go to the church to see you get married, can." Okay, well, if that is in fact true then that''s fine and dandy. HOWEVER, I am not having a church wedding for one, and for two, even if I were, that would not fly with me. I want who I want to view us getting married and that''s that.

I just feel like she''s gonna fight me on who gets to actually get to come to the Ceremony. Her and I get along amazingly so I don''t want to have to argue with her on this. Ugh. It''s our wedding, not hers so I hope she learns to just step back and let us do it the way we want.

GRRRRRRR!! I just needed to vent!

btw, does anyone know if that is in fact true?!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Welcome to wedding planning, LOL

. Try to set the BOUNDARIES as soon as possible. Sit down with your parents and FI''s parents, and have a talk about how you would like wedding planning to go, so that everyone knows from the beginning. The sooner they know you don''t want their input, the better.

I''m definitely not the authority on this, but I think a church is a public place, and anyone can come in and see the ceremony. If you have at a private location, then only the people invited can come in.

 

[swingirl]

I want who I want to view us getting married and that's that.

You are only half of the couple getting married-- how does your FI feel? Does he want his family to be there? It's surprising to hear of anyone who doesn't want their family to share in the joy of witnessing a wedding. The wedding ceremony is the real event. The party is extra. But of course you and you FI can do it anyway you want but how will you word your wedding invitations to express that your guest is NOT invited to the wedding.

 

[brooklyngirl]

IHA, I found that a bit strange that you wanted to invite more people to the reception than the wedding. Unless you''re saying that you just want to have a small wedding (reception and all) period. Obviously you and FI have to agree on the type of wedding you want, so you can deal with parents together.

A friend of mine had a small wedding, where she didn''t invite some of the guests to the ceremony. Those guests were offended, and left the wedding with a bad taste in their mouths, so to speak. Do think about what exactly it is that you want.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 6/14/2009 3:52:07 PM
Author: swingirl
I want who I want to view us getting married and that's that.


You are only half of the couple getting married-- how does your FI feel? Does he want his family to be there? It's surprising to hear of anyone who doesn't want their family to share in the joy of witnessing a wedding. The wedding ceremony is the real event. The party is extra. But of course you and you FI can do it anyway you want but how will you word your wedding invitations to express that your guest is NOT invited to the wedding.

My FI agrees with me. What I mean by not inviting family is those aunts/uncles, cousins that we never see. She expects us to invite ALL our family. We both want only the ones who we are close to and have had in our lives on a constant basis.

When we send out our invites we are sending them out for the reception only. We haven't figured out if we're doing a "word of mouth" thing for the ceremony or sending out separate invites.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:00:53 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
IHA, I found that a bit strange that you wanted to invite more people to the reception than the wedding. Unless you''re saying that you just want to have a small wedding (reception and all) period. Obviously you and FI have to agree on the type of wedding you want, so you can deal with parents together.


A friend of mine had a small wedding, where she didn''t invite some of the guests to the ceremony. Those guests were offended, and left the wedding with a bad taste in their mouths, so to speak. Do think about what exactly it is that you want.

Really? This is strange? Where I am from, this is done a lot. And actually, my sister did it the same way I am planning to do it. Most of the people that we are inviting already know that I am having a small ceremony so they may not be able to come and all are fine with it. FI and I are on the same page with what we want.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:00:53 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

A friend of mine had a small wedding, where she didn''t invite some of the guests to the ceremony. Those guests were offended, and left the wedding with a bad taste in their mouths, so to speak. Do think about what exactly it is that you want.

Yeah, I''ve always thought that it''s rude to invite certain guests to the reception but not the ceremony. I can see if you''re going to be having a destination wedding or something and then a big party/reception when you get home, but to only invite certain people to the ceremony and then others to just the reception seems a little rude... Actually it seems a lot rude.

I''m not sure I would even attend a wedding if I were only invited to the reception... What''s the point?

Is your FMIL helping with the wedding financially? If not, then I say do whatever you and your FI want, but if she is helping, then you need to take her thoughts into consideration.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:12:14 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 6/14/2009 4:00:53 PM

Author: brooklyngirl


A friend of mine had a small wedding, where she didn''t invite some of the guests to the ceremony. Those guests were offended, and left the wedding with a bad taste in their mouths, so to speak. Do think about what exactly it is that you want.

Yeah, I''ve always thought that it''s rude to invite certain guests to the reception but not the ceremony. I can see if you''re going to be having a destination wedding or something and then a big party/reception when you get home, but to only invite certain people to the ceremony and then others to just the reception seems a little rude... Actually it seems a lot rude.


I''m not sure I would even attend a wedding if I were only invited to the reception... What''s the point?


Is your FMIL helping with the wedding financially? If not, then I say do whatever you and your FI want, but if she is helping, then you need to take her thoughts into consideration.

I am a little caught off guard with being told it''s rude. I know of a lot of people who have done the same thing. Maybe it''s a location type thing? I live in NY and this is a common thing in my area.

Hmm. But perhaps FI and I will talk and we can see if we can deal with having everyone at the ceremony. (The only reason we wanted a small one is b/c we both don''t like to be the center of attention.)

But to answer your question: No, she is not helping with the wedding financially and neither are my parents.

Thanks! I''ll definitely think it over.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Perhaps it's a regional thing, and I suppose if your guests are expecting things to be done this way, then there is no problem.

Disregard my question if it's inappropriate, but just out of curiosity, what is the reason for not inviting all the reception guests to the ceremony?

ETA Just saw your response to Pearl. Hmm, if it's being the center of attention that is the issue, I don't see how inviting everyone to the reception is going to help with that. You are definitely going to be center of attention at the reception, with the first dance, and all the other events that take place at the reception.

 

[idreamofcushions]

inhisarms, how many are you planning to invite to the ceremony and how many to the reception? If you really want a private ceremony where there are like 10 people and then want a big reception after, I don''t see a problem. It''s sort of like those couples who get married in court and have a huge party afterward. However, if you plan to have 100 guests at the ceremony and 150 at the reception, I''d definitely reconsider. Those guests would probably feel extremely slighted.

Any reason not to invite certain family members to the ceremony? Just curious.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:17:35 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Perhaps it''s a regional thing, and I suppose if your guests are expecting things to be done this way, then there is no problem.


Disregard my question if it''s inappropriate, but just out of curiosity, what is the reason for not inviting all the reception guests to the ceremony?

Not inappropriate at all. We both are not the type to be the center of attention. We''ve always agreed that we only wanted certain people to actually SEE us get married. A bigger reception doesn''t bother me. Yes, it''s honoring us and we''ll still kind of be the center of attention but we intend to make it more about just being thankful for having families and friends. If that makes any sense. It won''t really be all eyes on us at the reception... where as at the ceremony it''s nothing but. You know?

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:16:10 PM
Author: inhisarms17

Date: 6/14/2009 4:12:14 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 6/14/2009 4:00:53 PM


Author: brooklyngirl



A friend of mine had a small wedding, where she didn''t invite some of the guests to the ceremony. Those guests were offended, and left the wedding with a bad taste in their mouths, so to speak. Do think about what exactly it is that you want.

Yeah, I''ve always thought that it''s rude to invite certain guests to the reception but not the ceremony. I can see if you''re going to be having a destination wedding or something and then a big party/reception when you get home, but to only invite certain people to the ceremony and then others to just the reception seems a little rude... Actually it seems a lot rude.



I''m not sure I would even attend a wedding if I were only invited to the reception... What''s the point?



Is your FMIL helping with the wedding financially? If not, then I say do whatever you and your FI want, but if she is helping, then you need to take her thoughts into consideration.

I am a little caught off guard with being told it''s rude. I know of a lot of people who have done the same thing. Maybe it''s a location type thing? I live in NY and this is a common thing in my area.


Hmm. But perhaps FI and I will talk and we can see if we can deal with having everyone at the ceremony. (The only reason we wanted a small one is b/c we both don''t like to be the center of attention.)


But to answer your question: No, she is not helping with the wedding financially and neither are my parents.


Thanks! I''ll definitely think it over.

It must be a regional thing. I live in California and have only heard of this done once. I was one of the lucky ones who got invited to both the ceremony and reception for this wedding, but there were many people who only got invited to the reception and I thought it was rude. I guess from my perspective, the actual wedding ceremony is the part that''s important for people to witness and the party/reception is just for fun afterward to celebrate. But if your guests are familiar with this being done then of course there''s no problem with it! Just wanted to make sure there wouldn''t be upset guests.

And if FMIL isn''t helping financially... Then she really can''t expect you and your FI to do whatever she likes when it comes to the wedding. I mean obviously being the mother of the groom she should have a little bit of input, but it''s your wedding so do what you like!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:20:22 PM
Author: idreamofcushions
inhisarms, how many are you planning to invite to the ceremony and how many to the reception? If you really want a private ceremony where there are like 10 people and then want a big reception after, I don't see a problem. It's sort of like those couples who get married in court and have a huge party afterward. However, if you plan to have 100 guests at the ceremony and 150 at the reception, I'd definitely reconsider. Those guests would probably feel extremely slighted.


Any reason not to invite certain family members to the ceremony? Just curious.

Absolute tops for the ceremony would be 20. And that's at the very high end. At the reception, like 75 to 100.

The reason for not inviting certain family members is b/c we're not close at all with a lot of them. Most we only see maybe once a year or even once every couple years. Now, I see no point in inviting those people. If they are grandparents then yes. But aunts, uncles and cousins that we rarely ever see? I'd rather not.

 

[idreamofcushions]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:27:04 PM
Author: inhisarms17

Date: 6/14/2009 4:20:22 PM

Author: idreamofcushions

inhisarms, how many are you planning to invite to the ceremony and how many to the reception? If you really want a private ceremony where there are like 10 people and then want a big reception after, I don''t see a problem. It''s sort of like those couples who get married in court and have a huge party afterward. However, if you plan to have 100 guests at the ceremony and 150 at the reception, I''d definitely reconsider. Those guests would probably feel extremely slighted.



Any reason not to invite certain family members to the ceremony? Just curious.

Absolute tops for the ceremony would be 20. And that''s at the very high end. At the reception, like 75 to 100.


The reason for not inviting certain family members is b/c we''re not close at all with a lot of them. Most we only see maybe once a year or even once every couple years. Now, I see no point in inviting those people. If they are grandparents then yes. But aunts, uncles and cousins that we rarely ever see? I''d rather not.

Oh yeah, since that''s the case I don''t see how it would be a problem. I would maybe set the ceremony and reception far apart, either on different days or with a few hrs in between on the same day. That would really make it seem like they are separate events, and give less cause for people to take offense if the distinction is clear.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I think a lot of the older generations aren't quite as on board with the "all about the couple" kind of wedding planning, I feel like for a lot of our parents and our grandparent's generation, the wedding is still also very much about the family, and not just the 2 people getting married. It's not just the coming of two individuals, but the merging of two families. And to be fair, I feel like it's only recently that young people have been more empowered to personalize weddings to their preferences.

So it may just be that your FMIL has a different concept of what a wedding is, and what it means. For her, it might be that a wedding is about the family, and so it might just seem strange (and perhaps a little offensive) to her that you wouldn't invite the people that will soon be calling you one of their own.

 

[Clairitek]

I gotta be honest that if I were you or your FI''s aunt or uncle and I was only invited to the reception I would be a little offended, especially if I had to travel to get to the wedding. I know you think "This is my day, I should do whatever I darn well please" but I personally don''t view a wedding as something that is only planned with the couple in mind. While you and your FI may not feel very close to these relatives its possible that they care and think about you more than you realize. My FI has 14 aunts and uncles related by blood, some of which he doesn''t even know their last name (his aunts who changed their name when married). When we finally made the decision to have a small wedding a few of them that he sees only once a year or once every two years called up his parents to say "We''re happy for him but we are a little sad we won''t be able to see him get married." My point is, you just never know how much these relatives that have watched you or your FI grow up actually care to witness these major milestones in your life.

I have another suggestion for dealing with your FMIL. You are so early in the planning stages that you just never know how many times your plan will change in the coming months (trust me, we changed our plan about 4-5 times). When your FMIL calls you to talk wedding just say "OK, I''ll keep that in mind." One of the things I''ve had to remind myself of time and time again with my own wedding planning (and my friends) is that our parents came from a different generation where things were done differently.

ETA: I just saw that you and your FI feel awkward being the center of attention and that is one of the reasons you wanted to do a smaller ceremony. If this is the case then I can''t imagine how you would feel with 100 pairs of eyes on you watching your every move at a large reception. I had a hard time dealing with that too, hence another reason for the down-sizing. Now I know if I do something silly I will only have 32 pairs of eyes on me.

 

[LilyKat]

Inhisarms, just to say that I think what you're doing is perfectly normal, and is very common here in the UK. In fact, it's what I'd want to have (immediate family only at the ceremony, like 10 people, then a reception/party following for 100-150 or so).

For me, it's more that I don't want 150 people staring at me while I make very personal vows. As a fairly private person, it would make me feel really uncomfortable to talk about love and cherishing etc in front of random great-uncle twice removed. So I totally get where you're coming from, but maybe your MIL hasn't seen it this way and doesn't understand why it's a big deal. Maybe try explaining it to her like this? (Or better yet, have your fiance explain it to her?)

ETA: Yes, it's true that any member of a church congregation/member of the parish can attend a wedding at that church. But, um, you're not having a church wedding, so I'm not sure why she'd even bring that up...

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m sorry but I can understand your FMIL''s frustration. If I were a guest and received an invitation to just the reception, I would think that it was just so the couple could receive a gift. The only way I would understand getting an invitation like this is if the ceremony happened weeks ago on a beach somewhere. But if the ceremony and reception were on the same day, as a guest not invited to the ceremony I would find it very strange especially since typically it doesn''t cost extra to invite people to the ceremony. Now obviously you aren''t doing this to grab a gift but that''s the impression I get, KWIM? If they aren''t special or important enough to be witnesses to the vows, then what makes them special enough to celebrate after?

Why don''t you instead have your ceremony with the 20 people and then take those 20 people to a nice dinner? That way you save the money of inviting the extra 60 people or so, you save the money of having a traditional reception, and no one is offended. It seems to me like these 20 people are really the people you care for so why not just treat them to a lovely evening and forget everyone else?

If you do decide to go forward with the original format then I think you need to be sympathetic to your FMIL''s concerns and frustrations and gather your words wisely and calmly so that you can help her understand where you are coming from.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/14/2009 5:46:58 PM
Author: LilyKat
ETA: Yes, it''s true that any member of a church congregation/member of the parish can attend a wedding at that church. But, um, you''re not having a church wedding, so I''m not sure why she''d even bring that up...

It might just be a reflection of her feeling that a wedding is about family and community, not just about the couple?

I''m having a smallish wedding (80-100 people), also because I don''t like to be the center of attention. I''m having a catholic ceremony though, so it''s pretty impersonal (in terms of the ceremony mass, it''s the same as basically every other catholic marriage mass, I won''t be saying anything personally sentimental, just "I do")

 

[FrekeChild]

Yeah. I wouldn't go if I were invited to one and not the other. My parents were invited to a wedding a couple of years ago, and were technically only invited to the reception and not the wedding. Both of my parents were extremely offended, being older and from the South and the Midwest. I'm from the Southwest and I've never heard of this being done before. ETA: They didn't go to the reception either.

So you can count me as being firmly in the camp of people who are invited to the ceremony are invited to the reception--except in the case of destination weddings/elopements where a big party is held afterward. This is one of the reasons why our wedding has changed so much, and why people were completely uninvited.

Be prepared for some people to be offended.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 6/14/2009 5:28:05 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I think a lot of the older generations aren't quite as on board with the 'all about the couple' kind of wedding planning, I feel like for a lot of our parents and our grandparent's generation, the wedding is still also very much about the family, and not just the 2 people getting married. It's not just the coming of two individuals, but the merging of two families. And to be fair, I feel like it's only recently that young people have been more empowered to personalize weddings to their preferences.


So it may just be that your FMIL has a different concept of what a wedding is, and what it means. For her, it might be that a wedding is about the family, and so it might just seem strange (and perhaps a little offensive) to her that you wouldn't invite the people that will soon be calling you one of their own.

Date: 6/14/2009 5:40:50 PM
Author: Clairitek
I gotta be honest that if I were you or your FI's aunt or uncle and I was only invited to the reception I would be a little offended, especially if I had to travel to get to the wedding. I know you think 'This is my day, I should do whatever I darn well please' but I personally don't view a wedding as something that is only planned with the couple in mind. While you and your FI may not feel very close to these relatives its possible that they care and think about you more than you realize. My FI has 14 aunts and uncles related by blood, some of which he doesn't even know their last name (his aunts who changed their name when married). When we finally made the decision to have a small wedding a few of them that he sees only once a year or once every two years called up his parents to say 'We're happy for him but we are a little sad we won't be able to see him get married.' My point is, you just never know how much these relatives that have watched you or your FI grow up actually care to witness these major milestones in your life.


I have another suggestion for dealing with your FMIL. You are so early in the planning stages that you just never know how many times your plan will change in the coming months (trust me, we changed our plan about 4-5 times). When your FMIL calls you to talk wedding just say 'OK, I'll keep that in mind.' One of the things I've had to remind myself of time and time again with my own wedding planning (and my friends) is that our parents came from a different generation where things were done differently.


ETA: I just saw that you and your FI feel awkward being the center of attention and that is one of the reasons you wanted to do a smaller ceremony. If this is the case then I can't imagine how you would feel with 100 pairs of eyes on you watching your every move at a large reception. I had a hard time dealing with that too, hence another reason for the down-sizing. Now I know if I do something silly I will only have 32 pairs of eyes on me.

You both make very valid points and I am going to talk to FI and bring these things up with him and see how he feels. I think, like me, he may not be thinking about how this might make others feel. So I am going to talk to him about it all.

And I do realize our plans might change many times in the next couple months... I mean geez, we've already changed our date 3 times! haha...

Date: 6/14/2009 5:46:58 PM
Author: LilyKat
Inhisarms, just to say that I think what you're doing is perfectly normal, and is very common here in the UK. In fact, it's what I'd want to have (immediate family only at the ceremony, like 10 people, then a reception/party following for 100-150 or so).


For me, it's more that I don't want 150 people staring at me while I make very personal vows. As a fairly private person, it would make me feel really uncomfortable to talk about love and cherishing etc in front of random great-uncle twice removed. So I totally get where you're coming from, but maybe your MIL hasn't seen it this way and doesn't understand why it's a big deal. Maybe try explaining it to her like this? (Or better yet, have your fiance explain it to her?)


ETA: Yes, it's true that any member of a church congregation/member of the parish can attend a wedding at that church. But, um, you're not having a church wedding, so I'm not sure why she'd even bring that up...

You hit the nail right on the head. Vows are a very personal/private thing to us and that's why we don't want to have a lot of people, only those very close to us, witness it. As for having a larger reception, I don't think it's really going to bother us b/c I don't feel we'll really be the *center of attention*, at least not all eyes on us every single moment like with the vows.

ETA: And yeah, I don't know why she brought it up either. Except to just try to make her point that anyone can come to the ceremony.

 

[bubbly1126]

I appreciate everyone''s input so much and I want you all to know that I really am going to think long and hard about it all. I didn''t see things the way you all did and now that I do see what you are saying, I am going to talk to FI about it and see what he thinks.

Keep your input/opinions coming. I thank you all so much!

 

[Haven]

I''d also be a bit put off if I was only invited to a reception and not the wedding ceremony, unless the ceremony happened out of town or at a much earlier date. It sounds like this is a regional thing, as I''ve never heard of anyone doing this before. If your guests expect this, then it shouldn''t be a problem.

InHisArms, I had similar concerns about the whole privacy issue, too. It was very strange to me to think about saying vows in front of people I don''t know very well. When DH and I discussed this, we realized that we could easily get around this issue by only inviting people we really do care about to the wedding in the first place. I''m curious as to why you would want to invite people to your reception if you aren''t close enough to them to want them at the ceremony? Especially if you are the only ones paying for the wedding, I imagine it would be easy to invite only those people who are truly important to you.

As for us, my parents paid for our wedding so we did have some distant cousins from my father''s family who I really don''t know very well. In the end, I didn''t even think about their presence at our wedding ceremony for one moment. I was so in the moment during the entire thing, that all of those people sitting in the sanctuary just disappeared. I imagine you might feel the same thing.

 

[laughwithme]

Inhisarms, we are date twins!!!

I do agree, that while it is YOUR wedding and ultimately, you decide what happens and what does not happen, a 20-person ceremony is verrrrrry small...regardless of region/culture/tradition, I don''t care what anyone says, SOMEone will be ticked by such a small ceremony because, well, they''ll get left out!! I am not sure how large your family/group of friends is, but in my own case, I would be leaving out some very key people with only 20 people invited. I am almost wondering if you could sit down and maybe negotiate with FMIL - say, if she wants the entire guest list and you only want 20, maybe meet in the middle at 50? I am not totally opposed to only inviting some guests to the reception...I have even seen invites for that which say something along the lines of "due to our desire to have a small intimate wedding ceremony, we would love to have you at our celebratory reception" - ok obviously not that exact wording, but that''s the jist of it. Anyway my point is, 20 people is SUPER small and I can see what that number is freaking your FMIL out - if you could maybe sit down with them and express your intentions, hopefully you could find a number you''re both happy with.

 

[brooklyngirl]

It's great that you're giving this more thought!

While this sort of thing may be common among the weddings you've been to, it may not be common in FI's family, and his extended family may very well be offended that they weren't deemed worthy to attend the ceremony.

The vows are a very personal thing, but all these people I presume, would attend your wedding out of love and support

If you do decide that you want a small ceremony, making it a separate event on a different day (as was suggested) is a great idea.

ETA I am also from NY, and I haven't seen this sort of arrangement for a wedding (except for that one time I mentioned earlier). At the same time if this is what your guests are expecting, then I don't see it as an issue. However, given your FMIL's reaction, I'm thinking that is not the case

 

[packrat]

In our area people invite whomever, and then put something in the paper "Open Wedding Reception Dance for So and So at This Date and Time at This Place"-something along the lines of that. We did invite all of JD''s relatives..even tho he hadn''t spoken w/some of them in YEARS. The only ones who didn''t come live in Alaska. Most of them still send Christmas cards/letters every year..even tho I put it off every year, they still try to maintain contact, which I think is nice. You never know, it might be a good way to reconnect with extended family by inviting everyone!

 

[bubbly1126]

Haven, to be honest, I am uncomfortable to have ANYONE watch us say our vows. If I had it my way, we''d elope. But, FI at least wants his parents, brother and grandparents to see us get married. So that is why I compromised with him and we decided to have a small ceremony. I can deal with having my parents and siblings watch me get married b/c well, they''ve known me my entire life. They''ve shared pretty much everything with me, where as others, who will be invited to the reception, have not seen me through all those same things. Just because I don''t want them to see us say our vows doesn''t mean they are any less important to us. But again, I do see how some people may feel as though they aren''t important if they are invited to one but not the other. I do get it.

laughwithme, yay for being date twins!! Awesome! I have a feeling either we''re going to get married on a whole other day and have the reception completely separate or we''re going to have everyone come to both. It''s going to most likely be one of those. And the only reason I think the whole thing is freaking her out is because she wants a bigger wedding in general. Her niece and nephew have been the only ones on his side of the family to get married in the last couple years and both of them went to the courthouse and got married. No real ceremony and no reception. So I think that side of the family really wants a traditional wedding. I can understand it. But I don''t want her thinking that she can have what she wants just b/c she''s the mother of the groom. Yes, it''s about family too but it''s OUR wedding day. She can absolutely have some say but I don''t want to spend my wedding day being uncomfortable in front of people I didn''t even want there to begin with.

brooklyngirl, I agree that they would all attend out of love and support. I guess the issue is just that I don''t like having everyone''s eyes on me in regards to such a private thing. Ahh, I am really considering bringing up the eloping topic again. This is all so overwhelming. As I said before, most people who are being invited know how we''re planning to do it and no one seems to have any problems with it.... but now I just feel bad for even thinking of doing it that way.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I totally understand how it would be uncomfortable -- all those people looking at you when you''re very emotional, it''s quite daunting.

I really like the elopement with parents/g-parents/siblings idea, and having the party on a different day. You''ll have 2 days to look forward to, and you get to wear your dress twice

 

[FrekeChild]

We''re basically eloping with those very close to us. That would get my vote. Then have a big reception afterward.

 

[tyty333]

I think you should just get married on a different day (with your small party) and then have a celebration party a few days later.
Its probably not going to make the FMIL happy though

.

I know exactly what you are talking about not liking to be the center of attention...we eloped and didnt even do the party afterwards.
Just spent all the money on a fun honeymoon. It was perfect for us

but I know the Mom''s wanted to be there

and I felt
a little bit bad about that but it would have changed the whole aspect of our wedding day.